Episode 21: Scams, slams, and damns!

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My name is u/PlatonofGlaucon4 and I am proud to present to you the latest episode of the Civilization Battle Royale X 4!

I've been following the CBR since the very early days. I was a big Buccs backer back in the day. After a few seasons lurking I've come out all guns blazing for Bat'ko Makhno, father to anarchy.

As a real life anarchist and historian I've loved watching the Makhnovoist story play out, paralleling our timeline in lots of fun ways. I've been so inspired that I've been providing my own head canon explanations of Nestor’s actions in my Revolution on the Cylinder series. The support I've received from the community spurred me on to try out for narration, and here we are. So if you've ever thought about making some OC, go for it! If not you, then who?So boys, gals, and non-binary pals “Let's get ready to rumble!”

2: The state of the Cylinder

Here in all its usual glory we are treated to u/Sonicfan0511's Tile Accurate Map of the cylinder. I say glory, this map obviously shows Latvia's egregious land grab off Makhnovia. Whilst this is not the creator's fault it has slightly lessened my enjoyment of this offering.

3: Pacific Pals 20

Next we have the latest installment of South American lore brought to us by the wonderful u/Orangechrisy

This week we get a breakdown of the Ecuador Mexico peace deal. I really enjoy this civball comics. Up the OC creators!

4: Please make all donations payable to

Thanks as always to the generous Ko-Fi donors who keep the turns turning.

5: Power rankings are a hierarchical bourgeois conspiracy.

In what is clearly a joint effort by Soviet and White propagandists the power rankers have issued a damning condemnation of the great Nestor Makno.

Whilst I don't disagree that Bak’to Makhno is facing heavy odds that are getting worse, I simply will not accept that Latvia has a chance of eliminating us. We've beat them before and we'll do it again. Makhnovian troops are among the most battle hardened on the cylinder, and fight with the burning passion of true anarchy. Even if some of them are a little confused in their praxis.

That said, things look bad for Nestor, it will take a series of excellent decisions to claw his way free from the jaws of defeat.

6: A nation of grifters

Gregor McGregor rubs his hands in glee. His plan has come together perfectly. His former city of St Augustine has been formally transferred to control of the Osage government, for a tidy sum of course, and the beachfront timeshares, that he retains a stake in, have been sold to Osage investors. He files the documents neatly in a drawer, on top of virtually identical contracts previously signed by his own citizens.

At his desk he begins to write up new contracts, in English and the Seneca language, chuckling to himself.

On the ground his salesmen pour into Seneca lands, telling tales of affordable properties going for a steal. One stops to make inquiries of a Seneca citizen about potential asset stripping in nearby Nundawo.

“You betcha big man,” the Floridian drawls, “once you win your city back, we’ll send in the team and they’ll remove all the Osage paraphernalia, so it looks just like it did before.”

7: Nations of Islam

Off the coast of Mogadishu we continue this season’s subplot of somewhat appropriate great people; as Elijah Muhammad addresses a pan African congregation, exalting the virtues of Islam.

In our timeline Elijah Muhammad was a leader of the Nation of Islam, a group which combined elements of black nationalism, and new religious movements. Its notable followers included Muhammad Ali and Malcolm X.

Elijah tells the assembled stories of a grim, apocalyptic future. He urges the African civilizations to unite under the banner of the Nations of Islam. He implores them to put aside continental war, and focus on building what he calls “The Mothership”, a technological curiosity he claims will carry the righteous away from the destruction to come.

The crowd seem a little underwhelmed by the prospect, claiming science will not save this universe. He switches tact, to lobby for the removal of the imperialist Romans from native African land, to mixed responses.

08: Renaissance and Enlightenment

In the formerly war torn Bay of Bengal, and to the north in the Koshut himalayas, a zeitgeist of rebuilding and rebirth has taken hold.

The Koshuts have enhanced their religion of Bön. So far their observance has focused on the veneration of valuable metals, and growing their borders to acquire such. Unfortunately they lack many of the resources they prize, have struggled to make their conversions stick, even within their own borders, and are beset by pressure from the far more popular Mahayana, founded by Dai Vet. Possibly the only lasting legacy in the region, for the latter.

Siam’s completion of the Enlightenment era wonder the Wat Phra Kaew offers more substantive benefits. It provides +20% beakers in the city that constructs it, and +1 doves to religious buildings, further imperiling the Koshut faith. Hopefully this tech boost will allow Siam to make the most of their smaller post-war population, and be able to replenish and upgrade their navy before Singapore comes calling again.

09: “…it is easier for a camel to pass through a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” Matthew 19:24

Realising the folly of the love of gold the pious of the Koshut nation add mandates to their belief that will provide them some modest infrastructure boosts, to complement their modest infrastructure.

This may however be a case of too little, too late, and a lot of wasted production to get there. According to the latest stats Bön only holds sway in 3 cities, and over less than 40 total followers. In the previous slide only the capital-come-holy city of Dam keeps the faith.

10: An allegedly great rivalry between two contemporaries

This slide focuses on Palwa’s great musician Antonio Salieri. In our universe Salieri is best remembered for a probably spurious rivalry with fellow composer and one time student Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The Noongar are no doubt trying desperately to recruit Mozart as a means to eclipse the fame of their own slightly spurious rival.Much like the imagined feud between the two composers, the Noongar vs Palwa wars haven’t come to much so far with neither side able to make significant territorial gains in previous engagements.

11: Huge sale on Eastern Osage real estate now on! EVERYTHING MUST GO!

Gregor McGregor of Florida looks on, elated, as the Seneca retake their formerly gifted city of Nundawo. Per contract his boys are already on the ground, looting any items of value they find, and burning ownership records of residences to be acquired for the Floridian Property Project.Across the mountains to the south-east Osage rule in St. Augustine is on the verge of collapse. Always a man to hedge his bets, McGregor has mobilised a settler in case the city is burned. The waterfront properties are the pride of his portfolio, and he will maintain the sales rights at all costs.

12: Báhk-Easy-Easy-Easy!

Joe Medicine Crow emerges from the gates of the capital, adorning a top hat, and wrestling singlet. “What are your orders, wise and glorious leader?” Asks the slightly perturbed general commanding his catapult corps.“We’re gonna thump ‘em.” The cosplay Big Daddy grunts. The general’s confusion deepens.“I’m sorry, could you clarify that a little for me?” “Aye, we’re gonna run into ‘em full whack.” Big Daddy Joe tells him.“But they’re much sturdier than we are, are you sure that’s wise?”

“You ‘eard me.” Crow troops begin to fling themselves at the fortified city of Báhkisee. The crashes as they bounce off, causing minimal damage, can be heard for miles around. As can Joe Medicine Crow’s rallying cry of “Easy! Easy! Easy!”

With the Crow fielding a classical era army against a strength 38 city with sparse defenders and no means of resupply this one is truly going to be a slow paced battle of raw power versus endurance.

13: From the Bering Strait, with love

Agent Ishtar rubs their hands together vigorously, then pounds them together to dislodge some of the snow caked onto their seal skin mittens. They glance around to see if there is anyone watching. The white snow makes for hard hiding and Ishtar is quickly satisfied no one is eavesdropping. They reach carefully into the pocket of an enormous fur coat and retrieve a piece of hide, marked and sealed.

“Get this intelligence to the submarine, as quickly as possible. I cannot stand another day in this frozen wasteland.” As they speak great clouds of white mist issue forth with their words, and the cold stings their throat. The accomplice nods, and conceals the letter in their own furs.

Ishtar knows that this is low quality information, a Thule war with Dai Viet is unlikely to lead to any great upheaval, but it is the best they have. In this cold place people’s lips remain sealed, their voices frozen in their throats by the cold.

There is little to report from Thule’s engagement with Nivkh, the naval battle lines remain fairly static.

14: Ships in the night

Ishat slinks aboard the galleon in the dead of night. Ice floes heave and crack around its hull. The icebreakers will be out the next morning to free the ship from the dock. All Ishtar knows is that the boat is heading south. They have made arrangements to rendezvous with a trader further down the coast. Amongst its other cargo, essential to the Thule war effort, this vessel will be carrying a contact who will deliver long overdue relocation orders to their frostbitten hands. In the meantime Ishtar will try to gather intelligence on who this raiding party is targeting. They may well be taking the scenic route to Dai Viet. But, just perhaps, their ambitions lie closer to home.

15: For Thor’s Sake!

“Agent Ishtar?” A soft voice whispers into the blackness of the cargo hold. A few seconds later the speaker feels a point at their back“Who is asking?” Ishtar whispers back.

“It’s me, Kyaw.” Hisses the Singapoeran trader-come-spy. Ishtar removes the knife from the boy’s back and spins him by his shoulders so they are facing in the gloom of the cargo hold.“I hope you are not as famous as your name implies, fame is a poor quality for a spy.” Ishtar teases the boy. Is there the faintest hint of blush on his face? It’s hard to tell with no light.“I have your orders, a-and your almonds.” He squeaks.“Thank you.” Ishtar drops a small bag of coins in the boy's hand and dismisses him.Later, upon reading the relocation is to the Ume-Sámi city of Ávriesjávrrie they reflect sorrowfully on a missed opportunity to throw the messenger overboard.

16: Three Musketeers and one Dum[b]as[s]

I’m going to say it; the Faroe Islands are overrated. Sure if they’re happy they have great stats, but when were they last happy for an extended period? The more rebels they spawn, the less workable tiles they have. They also have a tendency to waste production on wonders which won’t help in the long run.

They have a top notch navy, but aside from a blitz of Ume-Sámi, which petered out too quickly for my liking, they’ve not shown they can utilise it effectively. Plus the S.E.A and Oceanian nations are pulling ahead in naval tech.

They have weaker neighbours, but they have shown little propensity to attack them. Whatsmore, a lot of those neighbours have terrain which nullifies their navy for now. When they've tried war away from the coast they've not been very successful, probably due to massive combat penalties from unhappiness.

All of this is illustrated in microcosm in Greenland where their land units are slowly being chewed up by insurgents who are utilising the hilly coast to shelter them from Faroese gunboats.

I’m not saying they aren’t a top contender, but catching a gang beating from barbs isn’t a great look for our number one.

17: Of Saints and scammers

St. Augustine falls into Seneca hands, just as McGregor had hoped. He loves it when a scam comes together. His token defenders send reports of a small Osage detachment heading towards the embattled city. McGregor begins drawing up new deeds to the beachfront condos in English and the Osage language, just in case.

18: Getting colder…

The Patagonian war between the southern Tiwanaku colony of Pampa Koani and María of the Tehuelche is either a stalemate, or swings slightly in the favour of the colonists, who have been bolstered by a modest fleet.At this point this one could go either way. Theoretically there is enough power here to take a city or two from María, but this relies on coordinated attacks, strategic healing, and effective use of boats to protect embarked units, none of which the AI is famed for. I don’t think this front will be heating up any time soon.

19: Seriously, what are the odds?

One of our Chinese Civs has recruited a famous Chinese general. One who fought from the south to take the north, no less!

In our time line Zhu De was born in the Sichuan province of pre-revolution China. He first became a powerful local warlord before converting to Communism and leading Mao Zedong’s Fourth Red Army. He became a close ally to the soon to be leader and went on to play a key role in the Long March retreat. Zhu would later be elevated to leader of the PLA, and would serve the Communist Party as a bureaucrat until his death in 1976.

Having been a victim of encirclement campaigns himself he hopes to bring refinement to the technique as practiced by Zheng. Their previous attempt at this strategy nearly netted them a valuable capital, in Thang Long. Zhu De hopes to perfect the maneuver as he strikes out toward Siamese territory. Unfortunately the land army accompanying him is almost non-existent, he'll be lucky to score a semi-circlement.

20: Archers of infamy

Here we have a shot of Vijayanagaram Sri Lanka. The Southern island colony has been transformed into an archery camp. As in our timeline where Vijayangram leader Deva Raya II hired Muslim cavalry to teach his troops the art of archery, on the cylinder this has led to a great advance too: the advent of Vijayanagra’s Unique Unit, the Kaijeeta. This crossbow replacement comes with a defense penalty but is stronger on attack, especially when firing on cavalry.

Will these bowmen be enough to hold back powerful northern invaders forever, or will Vijayanagara stay true to historical form and eventually collapse under the mounting pressure of external forces?Speaking of collapsing to mounting external pressure; Royal Hungary is able to end some of their ongoing conflicts. Bad luck for them that none of these are relevant wars.

21: South American ground beef

Here we see another war going nowhere fast. Tiwanaku vs New Holland has turned into a real meat grinder. Which is probably appropriate as it is taking place in the world’s number one hamburger patty production hotspot, the deforested remains of the Amazon!Whilst New Holland maintain the numerical advantage in this fight the terrain and high city defences involved on both sides of the battle lines means that we are more likely to see these units end up as mystery meat than heroic conquerors.

22: Scout-con Iberia 1735

I was about to write something disparaging about the Visigoths’ attempts to retake Asturica, then I realised they are no longer at war with Burgundy. Such little progress was being made before it was hard to tell from just this slide.Instead I will highlight the convergence of scouts in Visigoth territory. I may be wrong but I think I see Mogadishu, Koshuts, Tehuelche, Afsharids, and Saba all in Iberia, with either a Broa-Broan or Ndongo scout heading across the pyrenees to join them. Can’t say I blame them, I hear the weather is lovely in that part of the world, although in our reality tourism is a bit of a touchy subject right now.

23: Pax Romana

Far from a widespread cessation of fighting this Roman peace only sees a close of hostilities between Trajan and Luwig of Bavaria. This means Trajan can concentrate his efforts against Burgundy, as he tries to establish a beachhead in Nancy.No cities appear to have changed hands as the price of peace, so this is probably a better deal for Ludwig. He, in turn, can now focus on ongoing wars against England, the Ume-Sámi, Latvia, his old enemy Royal Hungary, and for some reason Ikko-Ikki.

24: A grave Ero’Ara

When we last saw this front the Waghi had recaptured and surrounded the city of Baiyer, and were defending Ero’Ara. We see here that they have been able to hold the cities in the intermediary.

Zheng are coalescing a small flotilla in the area, but still have no melee vessels within striking range. Unless the privateer off the west coast of Ubon Ratchathani pulls itself together the best they can hope for is a trade blockade, and another bombardment of the severely depleted civilian population.

25: Big Daddy vs Javra Haystacks 2

“EASY! EASY! EASY! EASY!” The relentless taunting of Joe Medicine Crow seems to be working as the city of Báhkisee is now down to yellow health. Its only defender is a single chariot archer who is half deaf from the ceaseless warcry of Big Daddy Joe, and completely disoriented from the constant stream of Crow forces belly bouncing off the walls below.

26: Thule me once, shame on you…

“GET ME SOMEONE WHO WRITES INUIT IN HERE NOW!” Bellows Gregor McGregor. His troops stationed within Seneca territory have sent word that the Osage detachment had been a fake out, and the real danger to his investments comes from advanced Thule ships now assaulting the poorly reinforced city of St. Augustine.“No one out grifts a grifter.” McGregor mutters under his breath as he frantically gets to work writing the English parts of new condo contracts.In other Seneca news Pueblo and Yellowknives agree to cease hostilities with Corn Planter, as they still have the more pressing issue of war between themselves to worry about.Mexico also nopes out on grounds of wanting to take a siesta.

27: Wahgimania

Wahgi are currently in the enlightenment era, and to celebrate they have produced a skirmisher unit near Mount Hagen. This Enlightenment Era Mod addition bridges the gap between crossbows and gatling guns. It has a one tile ranged attack which will make it somewhat useful for defending Wahgi’s many small islands.

The tech advantage over the Noongar, who are still in the renaissance, is shown on the frontlines more by Wahgi’s superior city strength than their unit composition. Their Australian land army now consists of a solitary cannon. It does seem to be enough for now though as Minj remains undamaged, and the besieging forces we saw here last episode are all but spent.In a similar success Wahgi are now fairly firmly in control of Kombulno, and look to stay that way as they push towards Mulka.

28: A Pittifuk attack

Trøndur í Gøtu continues to prove me right, by being unable to project power on the peripheries of his territories. The Faroes make peace with the Crow. This is good news for Big Daddy Joe, who appears to be temporarily winded, as Báhkisee has recovered some health. This has not deterred Big Daddy from dispatching a few units, with a naval escort, to try the same thing against Pittufik in the west.

29: Go-Go Goguryeo War Dec!

Gwanggaeyo and Maximilian I declare a joint war against Po’Pay. This will be a test for Mexico, who actually share a significant, if mountainous, land border with Pueblo. Unlike their coalition partners Goguryeo, who will have to send ships if they want to shift the balance.

Pueblo are, however, still at war with their powerful northern neighbour, the Yellowknives. This has given Maximilian the perfect opportunity to strike as only one lonely crossbowman protects the southern half of Po’Pay’s empire. If he wants to Max-imise his gains Mexico’s jefe is going to have to act quickly before reinforcements arrive at strategic choke points, and close the gates to North American conquest.

30: It paints a confusing picture

Seemingly not too arsed about his ongoing border with Hyustus, Johan Maurits looks on with pride at his newly completed museum the Uffizi. An unnamed artist has already arrived at the city of Saint Louis, hoping to win renown by displaying his first masterpiece therein. He has narrowly beaten out his rival who’s boat is currently clearing customs in the local harbor.

Across a river from the city a brigade of Tiwanaku musketeers are pillaging Neo-Dutch cocoa plantations.

31: Nothing rhymes with orange, but history chimes with the house of Orange.

Great artist Cecil B. DeMille, known to us as a founding father of American cinema, shows his work to Johan Maurits, who seems exceptionally impressed.

“You see, our scientists were able to come up with a prototype that captures images not with a brush but by taking an impression of light to create a true image.” DeMille explains. “I have documented, as well as I can, the progression of the battle in this sequence of images.” He hands another plate to his potential patron and points to a detail contained within.

“I was fascinated by the cavalry charges on the plains. I hope one day to be able to capture the battles in motion as they happen.”Maurits is taken with the pictures, but understands little of the jargon.“Ja, heel goed.” He replies. “We will make an exhibition of your work, and agree to fund your further research.”In another remarkable coincidence the real Cecil B. DeMille was a Freemason and was a member of Prince of Orange lodge in New York, presumably named for either Johan’s Grand Uncle William the Silent or another of his clan.

32: ¡Buena lucha!

Po'Pay, acknowledging the magnitude of the threat to the south, makes an uneasy peace with Akaitcho of the Yellowknives. Pueblo mounted units form a vanguard to confront the Mexican menace.

33: The Winter Crusade

In northern Europe we see a grand coalition of the great, and not so great, regional powers. In bad news for viewers this is not a well timed attempt to pick the bones of a wounded neighbour, but is in fact a totally irrelevant series of declarations against Nivkh.

I'm not up on the Religious Wars Mod but all these players seem to share the Ume-Sámi faith, Noaidevuohta, so ipso facto? Religion is all about belief so I'll back myself and call this war the Winter Crusade. Mainly because it will melt.

We also get to check in on my absolute boy Makhno. Like all proper boys Makhno is fighting a valiant fight but ultimately spending a lot of time looking at the lights. The military dictatorship hasn't really gotten over with the fans, maybe a change of gimmick is what Makhnovia needs to break the glass ceiling, grab the brass ring, and go on championship gold.

34: …Thule me twice, shame on me.

The ink was barely dry as Gregor McGregor handed the new contacts for the St Augustine condos to a messenger, but he’d made it in time goddammit.

Thule capture St Augustine, McGregor's profits grow, the scant survivors watch on in abject terror.

35: Underdog from the underground

Vijayanagara, at this point, must be considered one of this season’s underdog success stories. Starting in an isolated and underproductive part of the world Krishnadeveraya went on to fail to settle Sri Lanka. This relegated the south Indian Civ in many minds to fodder for Harappa, or whichever seafaring neighbour could first assemble a half-decent armada.

Vijay has managed to avoid this ignominious fate, seizing the island of Sri Lanka by force, repelling successive Harappan invasions, capturing land from the latter, and going on to terrorise the Afsharid’s coastal cities. In this shot we can see that both armies have been whittled down, and in bad news for our plucky underdogs the Vijay navy looks to be nearly gone too. Now might be a wise time to take a peace on favourable terms and rebuild for the next round.

36: The Iron Warlord

Further north the Afsharid core is replete of reinforcements, and trouble is brewing. Ishtar informs us that Rijkuo-maja of the Ume-Sámi is plotting against Nader Shah. While Afsharid land is much closer than Nivkh it still appears this would be a difficult war to make relevant.

Meanwhile in Mashhad Nader dictates a message to his scribe:

“F’ the Vijayanagara. F’ the Krishnadevaraya I break his back, and make him humble”

37: Callooh callay oh frabjous day!

Agent Ishtar receives new orders. Thankfully, and finally, they are heading somewhere warmer, the Taíno city of Boriken. Ishtar tries to imagine the warmth of the sandy beaches to keep from shivering.

38: The big un in Xiaotun

Speaking of the Taíno they make peace with Bavaria, which must come as a great relief to both leaders.Chances of relief for Xiaotun, the former Sheng city, now under shaky Mongolian control, appear slim. A sizable and advanced Goguryeo army is assaulting its gates, and it seems like this city will soon change hands again. Achieving this would be a strategic boon for Gwanggaeto, as it would leave Yuanjunmiao an exclave, and easy pickings for the rest of the Goguryeo forces.

39: Damn Thule!

The ice armada is melting! Thule have managed to put a small amount of damage on the Nivkh city of Visk’Vo but it has cost them many ships to do so. There are still a lot of Thule galleons in this shot, but they have made no effort to plug the spaces left by their sunken compatriots. It looks like the Nivkh might yet weather the ice storm pleting their Bering shores.

40: What's Mayotte is your

Eswatini makes peace with Saba. True to form for the south African civ they give away a city in the peace deal. This time it is Hluti on the island of Mayotte. This is a big get for Saba, as it directly connects to another harbour city in their empire, increasing their chances of being able to break out of the Red Sea, and go on to make conquests on another continent.Maqdishawi sweating intensifies.

41: A foothold in the Atlas (If you get this pun I owe you a coke)

Also thinking geo-politically Leovigild has continued his citadelling of the remains of the Alaouite possessions. Not only has he nearly cut all inter-city trade by closing most of the paths round the Atlas mountains he is only one two citadels, and one tile, away from connecting his own territory by sea. Thereby gaining control of the gates to the Mediterranean, and an important strategic advantage.

42: It’s great to be here in Anyang!Bang bang!

In the north west of this slide we can see that Gwanggaeto has split his armies, and tried to capture both Mongolian cities simultaneously, rather than focusing on one to isolate the other. As a result the danger level has receded some.

The big news here however is that Ikko-Ikki forces have finally arrived en masse in Anyang, which despite the thousand or so years it has taken the army to get here, is still in resistance. Its defenders are few, and at a technological disadvantage. Surely this has to be the moment for Ikko-Ikki? If they can finally rid themselves of the albatross that has been the assault of this city they may have even greater rewards to reap. The Shang capital lies a short distance north, and once the rag-tag band defending Anyang is dealt with there will be no one left to block the road to Zhaoge.

43: EAST

Next we see an uncharacteristically calm shot of South-East Asia. This has a real calm before the storm vibe to it, lots of big players replenishing their troops before the next almighty clash. Also Dai Viet is still here, the estranged cities of Bac Giang and Thang Long trying to look casual and avoid notice, lest one of the regional bullies stick their heads down a toilet for a laugh.

44: A new intercontinental champion?

Gwanggaeto, having secured open borders with Kennyo of the Ikko-Ikki, is making a play for Pueblo Hawaii. Kennyo is in no position to refuse a request from their powerful friend but this is not advantageous for him. If Goguryeo are able to capture Tamaya, and they look capable of it, this would give Gwanggaeto harbours on both sides of Japan from which to stage a future assault should relations sour with his current ally.

A Goguryeo capture of Kha’Po Owingeh especially would be an ill omen for Kennyo.

45: Hotshotting the city

Gregor McGregor, on the verge of repetitive strain injury, is once again drawing up contracts for the beach front condos in Saint Augustine. “Tell Cornplanter and his dignitaries the Thule coinmasters captured the traders carrying their deposits before they reached us. We’ll need fresh assurances. They should be able to claim their initial stakes back from their insurers.” He instructs a wobbly legged, panting, messenger as he hands over the completed documents. As the messenger breathlessly excuses himself MacGregor opens a drawer in his desk, and extracts a file labeled “Insurance Documents”. He picks up a vial of corrective fluid and sets about altering the fine print.

The Seneca are once again in control of St Augustine, and its beautiful beach front condos, available now through the Floridian Property Project. The pair of damaged privateers not far from the city could always change that though.

46: Queen live at Wollongong stadium

Inspired by all the mountains in Palwa territory the musical act Queen has turned up to seek patronage. They hope their sing along anthem “We Will Rock You” strikes a chord with the mountain peoples who live in New Zealand and Eastern Australia.

I won’t bog you down with a massive history of our version of Queen. Most of you are going to know them anyway, and if you don’t treat yourself to half an hour listening to some of their greatest hits, you’ll enjoy it.

47: Hamburger hills

The Dzungars declare war on Harappa, supported by Eswaitini. Daldan Khan’s melee units don’t look like they are sturdy enough to stand up to much bombardement, but fortunately Went-Antu is still fielding composite bows and the odd trebuchet.

With only a small mountainous pass between the two territories this will be a difficult war for both, and potentially leave either an easy target for a well-timed secondary declaration. Neither of the competitors have shown much aptitude for fighting in this kind of terrain so I imagine we’ll get a slow moving meat grinder of a war.

Early prediction: no score draw, and Labotsibeni Mdluli gives away another hilarious city.

48: Stone Cold Sorghaghtani

Sorghaghtani of Mongolia has had an idea, and it’s a pretty good one. Having sured up the medium term survival of their southern cities they strike north. A short road from their capital, but miles for that of Goguryeo they attack the former Selkup city of Varsed. It has a low defence score so this small detachment is in with a chance of taking it, and holding it, if they keep their nerve and use their attacks well.

49: Un gran luchador

The Pueblo mounted division, pictured heading south when we last checked in seems to have been smashed, or scattered. Mexican troops have swarmed deep into Pueblo territory. The ranged units surrounding Walatowa look to be numerous and powerful enough to lay the city low, and Maxamilian has melee units in range, with reinforcements still streaming in from the Gulf of Mexico.Pueblo would struggle to recapture this city if it falls, due to hostile terrain in the north, and Mexican hegemony to the south. Further progress for Mexcio would be hard fought, but could come with big prizes as they would be on the doorstep of Po’Pay’s capital which tends to be a big motivator in peace treaties.

Maxamilian would be wise not to overcommit to Baja California where his troops would feel the brunt of the Pueblo navy.

50: Rest spot

Not a whole heap to report on in this slide. As previously mentioned Singapore is in a rebuilding phase. They may not have a great carpet right now, but neither do their near neighbours, so no immediate threats there.

Just above the mini map we can see the Wahgi have taken the Noongar city of Mulka to below half health.

51: Take it home

The last Thule defender is huffing and puffing, struggling to stay on his feet. The walls have been shaking for what feels like years, as endless streams of bare-chested Crow warriors hurtle into them below. Mortar and masonry crumble and fall to the ground. His legs feel like rubber and he is experiencing a nausea like no other he has ever felt. The sheer disorientation of the endless belly bouncing, and of course in the background a relentless Big Daddy Joe shouting “Easy! Easy!”Great artist Geroge Stubbs sets up an easel to paint the battle. He stylises it as a conflict between a great crow and a horse. He has always had an aptitude for painting animals.

52: If we capture it the kids can call it Ho-Ju

In more bad news for Javraganak the Thule navy is still feeling the early effects of global warming, as the cylinder edges towards its industrial revolution. The galleons we saw before have engaged in an attack on Honsho-Ji, abandoning the somewhat fruitful siege of Visk'Vo for what can best be described as ‘reasons’. Most of them are now at the bottom of Ikko-Ikki waters.

53: Korn, no Issues

In another frustrating attempt to fight wars good zheng have brought their privateers to the front to capture island cities from the Wahgi. Unfortunately they have neglected to use their frigates to exhaust these cities first. The two privateers currently engaging Ero’Ara are already damaged and may just take this city, but are unlikely to manage any more of note before meeting Davey Jones. There are more ships coming, but wouldn't you know it, they're all frigates.

54: Go-go Goguryeo Galleons!

Ikko-Ikki triremes watch on in awe and horror as the mighty Goguryeo navy conducts raids against the cities of Pueblo Hawaii. Tamya has either flipped twice, or starved since we last saw it. Its future looks uncertain as a half destroyed Goguryeo galleon starts down the last defending Pueblo carrack, which is in equally dire straits.

South-West of Shoman-Ji Zia is at half health, and three galleons are being ground down by a less advanced but larger defending force.

The majority of the Goguryeo galleon gang is surrounding the southern city of Cochiti on the big island. Capture of this important, but distant, target looks fairly certain. It must be said it would have been wiser to take these islands in sequence to avoid splitting the large naval force and losing important flanking bonuses for skirmishing. Perhaps Ikko-Ikki aren't in as much trouble as I thought. A cheeky DoW against Pueblo might even net them a city or two.

55: Flip!

Well Mongolia did it. Albeit temporarily. They have seized the snowy Selkup-come-Goguryeo city. It will definitely fall back into the hands of one of the three longswords outside its walls next turn, but for now it belongs to Sorghaghtani.

Mongolia could sustain this flip fest if they are smart, but they aren't. Just prove me wrong Mongolia.

56: Belly flop flip!

An exhausted Joe Medicine Crow stumbles backwards into the wall of catapult cables he has assembled like ring ropes. The sweat is dripping off him, his top hat long gone. He leans back, biting against the metallic taste in his mouth. He strains against the burning in his muscles to force himself as far back as possible. Then he releases. He is propelled forwards with such velocity that as he collides with the walls of Báhkisee they rumble, then give, and collapse inwards as he is repelled in the opposite direction. He pulls himself up to his elbows spitting out clouds of stone and dust wheezes “Easy! Easy! Easy” Then collapses. A bell rings from the Crow ranks and a herald declares:

“Your winner, and your NEW rightful liege: Jooooooooe Med-ic-ine Croooooow!”

Báhkisee belongs to Big Daddy.

57: Augustine 3:16 says I just flipped your ass!

Gregor McGregor is talking to a secretary and rubbing at his sore hands. His messenger stumbles through the door, without knocking, though the sound of him slumping into the frame on his way through announced his arrival well enough. He falls to the floor gasping and wordlessly skims a large bag of money across the floor in McGregor's direction. McGregor picks up the money, then the man. He places the one in his pocket and the other in a chair.

“So, are the new Inuit contracts ready?” He asks his secretary, whilst dusting off the messenger.

“Yes sir!” She tells him and hands a thick stack of papers.

“Please. No” Gasps the messenger boy.

“It's okay Brad.”McGregor reassures him. “We've bought you a wagon for you to do your deliveries on with some of the profit.” Brad sighs wearily and takes the papers from McGregor.

“And don't forget to tell them that the Seneca seized the deposits, and that their insurance should cover it.” Shouts McGregor as Brad leaves. He then begins pointing out clauses to remove from the Thule’s insurance documents to his secretary.

St Augustine belongs to Thule again. Unfortunately for Brad there are still some Seneca units about and Thule have no means of defending.

58: Strip for parts?

The Wahgi navy wrests control of Mulka from the Noongar. As this city borders Minj it would make an excellent beachhead for an invasion of Australia proper, and a good buffer to Kobulno. So naturally Bol'im orders it be burned. As strong as Wahgi are, their main weakness is a lack of productive land, being amongst the worst for effective production per city. They could be making a mistake here.

With that said, Wahgi have simultaneously dispatched a large force with a naval escort to attack Boyagin, a city with far more production potential. This could be overconfidence, but I don’t think so, they look like they’ve got the strength to pull this one off.

59: Fairly quiet on the Western European Front

All of Burgundy’s core cities are slightly damaged, but this is due to a passive ability rather than any actual effort on the part of England. Nonetheless the Visigoth troops gaze nostalgically at Asturica, remembering times when they themselves had inflicted equivalent amounts of damage to it.

60: Go-go Goguryeo Galleon

Much to Kennyo’s relief Gwanggaeto has only sent one galleon to assault the Pueblo city on Honshu. It also appears from the minimap that all the isles of Hawai’i still belong to Po’Pay as well. I wonder if all of those boats sank, or if some have made it to the West Coast of America to support Mexico?

Either way the real winner here is Ikko-Ikki, or it would be if they declare on the Pueblo and pick up the mainland city in Japan, which at this point is a total freebie. Also all of Hawai’i, wouldn’t that be nice?

61: Thanks for the town

To answer my own question from the previous slide: No, none of the Goguryeo ships seem to have made it this far. F for the Goguryeo navy I guess…

In other announcements: F for Po’Pay’s control of Walatowa.

As predicted Maxamilian’s forces easily overcame this city and it looks like it will remain in his grip for the foreseeable future. Having not yet read the How To Fight Wars Good chapter entitled: “A brigade on land is worth two in the ocean.” Mexican troops begin to assault Sant Fé by sea.

62: Will the triangle be unbroken?

The second successful city capture of turn 263 comes for Palwa, in the form of Pachacámac, which they have taken from a careless Tiwanaku. The Tiwanaku swordsman and chariot archer in the top right of this shot couldn’t save this city even if they were adjacent, and had the next move. So for now it becomes the top right corner of the great triangle that is Tarenorerer’s empire.

63: Two and seven eights.

Ikko-Ikki have managed to bring Anyang down to red. Short of a terribly timed peace they look sure to seal the deal. I suggested earlier if they do accomplish this they could go on to threaten Zhaoge, but now I hope they don’t. Better to peace out, after Anyang, hopefully securing another city in negotiations. Then declare war on Pueblo!

Please Kennyo. I want good things for you.

64: Thule Metal Jacket

The Thule navy have almost completely scuttled their Nivkh counterparts. It is a Pyrrhic victory however, as they no longer have the strength to take either Visk’vo or Honsho-Ji, even if they picked a target and stuck to it.

65: Missed the boats

Ishatr is not having a good time of it. Upon arriving in Taíno territory they can see a procession of warships leaving, it is clear that they mean to undertake some kind of campaign but no one left behind at the docks seems to have any idea where they are heading.

66: Qarma Chameleon

Ishatr’s supervisor, unhappy with the vagueness of recent reports, decides to immediately reassign the agent to the Qarmatian city of Al-Ahsa. This is no skin off Ishatr’s nose as it’s nice and warm there too, plus it’s an almond growing hotspot.

67: No pasarán

The Koshuts declare war on a weakened Shang. This is the perfect time for a DoW against Daji, half the empire is in rebellion against the military dictatorship that has seized control of national production, forcing the citizens to produce luxury resources for export at the expense of any domestic product. Unfortunately Güshi Khan is not the perfect leader, only having a one-tile mountain approach to Shang territory. Khan may have open borders with the Dzungars, but that’s not much help either as it requires diverting troops through another mountain pass, plus over rivers, to arrive on a different flank of the city, at the appropriate time, and in a sensible attack formation.

Speaking of not much help Güshi’s chosen wingman for this caper is Urdnot of the Qarmatians, who doesn’t have any possible angle of attack.

Angang stubbornly holds on.

68: European uppercrust

Our Jack Ma is the 50th richest man in the world, a Chinese tech billionaire who owns AliBaba and AliExpress, as well as several other interests. Here he is seen joining the Latvian raid on the Bavarian city of Nuremberg. I assume the Latvians intend to offer a hefty reconstruction package, post-war, in order to keep what’s left of their neighbour in line.

Whilst Latvian troops are deep into Ludwig’s territory knights and catapults may not be enough to get the job done against city defences in the thirties. Time will tell.

69: Nice

It appears Kennyo has missed his opportunity. A fresh Goguryeo fleet is headed to Hawai’i. Cochiti has flipped a few times since we were last here and Goguryeo are at a point where they may be able to hold it soon.Tamya is also in serious danger next turn with about 5 new galleons in striking range. I wouldn’t like to try and predict the fate of the three central islands, as given previous form it’s anyone’s game at this point. Apart from Ikko-Ikki’s, dammit!

70: Noongar world order 4 lyf

Well, shows what I know. Noongar are back in charge of Mulka and Boyagin has yet to take any damage, unlike Wahgi’s naval escort and a lot of their army which seems to have died horribly in the intermediary.

Also what’s that interesting looking icon in the south of the map?

71: Palwa joins the bullet club

Palwa have gained access to their UU, the Leryna. This musket replacement may be just what they need to turn the tide against Noongar in a land war. This unit gets a bonus against other gunpowder units (+10%) and grants an adjacency of +25% against the same for any friendly melee unit stationed adjacent to them. Palwa melee units which defeat a gunpowder unit gain a free upgrade to this unit type too.

We saw a squad of three in the last slide, and three more in this one. If these squads get any bigger they may represent a real threat to Nooongar going forward.

72: Thrice in a lifetime?!

McGregor waited until the Seneca flag was flying over St Augustine, and not another second.“NOW!” He bellowed to his loyal soldiers. Floridian troops streamed into the city, and formed human shields around any assets of the Floridian Property Project. A breathless Brad arrived at the city gates, contracts in hand, ready for another exchange.St Augustine is back in Cornplanter’s hands, and this time McGregor intends for it to stay that way for now.

73: Go-go Goguryeo galleons, again

The two endangered Hawai’ian cities fall to Goguryeo. Neither seems likely to be liberated. It remains anyone's guess how this one will progress.

74: Bugger Red

In Mount Hagen Wahgi complete the Red Fort. This wonder offers decent defensive buffs to its home city and all defensive buildings, as well as a scientist point, which are always nice. This wonder is rated a solid 9/10 by the showrunners, and should help Wahgi with the defence of the small islands which comprise the bulk of its empire.

75: Go-go Goguryeo ground forces!

A mixed bag for Mongolia here. Goguryeo troops are still inside their borders in numbers, and are damaging Xiaotun, but they seem like they are simultaneously headed for New Sari, so there is every chance of this incursion coming to nothing. Yuanjunmiao is still at full health, and the minimap seems to indicate that they are still in control of Varsed. This has been an heroic effort so far on the part of Sorghaghtani.

76: The old Taíno one-two

“I’d had enough of dealing with the Thule,” Gregor McGrecgor explains to his secretary. “They all had cold fish handshakes, and I just don’t trust a man like that.” McGregor titters a little at the irony of this joke.“Anyhow I felt the Taíno would make for a much more agreeable partner in the Floridian Property Project, so I sent some advanced contracts down to Agüeybaná II and he just about bit my hand off. I’m pretty sure Cornplanter was wise to the insurance scam. He was damn tricky to extract the final deposits from.”

Taíno joins the bidding war for the St Augustine beachfront condos, and McGregor has given them the keys to the gated community so they can waltz right in.

In irrelevant news: first Latvia, then Ume-Sámi, decide they have taught the heathen Nivkh enough of a lesson for now, and make peace. Like their declarations of war, their peace papers never actually reach the hands of any Nivkh diplomats.

77: Rumble, bad man, rumble.

Having taken care of all the nearby colonies, Zheng and Palwa agree to peace with Tiwanaku.

At home Huyustus remains at war with Johan Maurits. Tiwanaku troops and their New Holland counterparts skirmish between the respective cities of Wankane and Fort Schoonenborch. Tiwanaku has the tech, but New Holland has the numbers, meaning this one could go on for a while.

78: Frig it, and frig it again.

Not much change, and no clear advantage on the Zheng Wahgi front either. Zheng has the better naval units, but once again have fave failed to attack in a formation that makes use of this edge. Ero’Ara continues to regain health. Kuno has dropped three population, but this seems more likely the result of starvation through blockade than a pair of flips.

79: Hoss!

Anyang has still not fallen. C’mon Ikko-Ikki there is no reason you can’t do this!Great Artist Xu Beihong sits across the border from Siam, making ink drawings of their knights,or more specifically their horses, as is his wont.

80: You better say your prayers and eat you vitamins

Here we are treated to a shot far behind Tiwankau lines where a new structure has been completed. This is a Chatallta, it is a UI which provides +1 beaker and +2 doves when built adjacent to a city, on flatground without grass. It gains an additional +1 to its yields if it also borders a mountain.

81: Latvia do what Ninten-don’t

The Latvian advance on Bavaria is making slow progress. Battlelines are drawn all the way from the Baltic Sea to the north of the Royal Hungarian empire. This tactic of striking two cities simultaneously has not paid off for other leaders so far this episode. Can Karlis Ulmanis and his bloodthirsty sidekick Bathory get the job done? Join us in our next focus on the wars of Europe to find out.

Eiji Anomua has been recruited to the court of Royal Hungary. Being in this anachronistic setting, surrounded by dungeons gives him an idea. A great game which would serve as a Link to the Past, full of swordsmen, archers, and bloodthirsty tyrants. He is currently having the Hungarian army illustrate their weapons, which is somewhat distracting them from the war effort.

82: Oh, and that’s a bad miss.

Bol’im decides now is the opportune moment to sue for peace with the Noongar and happily accepts no additional territory on continental Australia, and a whole heap of dead land troops as a fair price. It’s not. Doesn’t matter though, as Wahgi have bigger fish to fry. They want a piece of McGrergor’s beachfront property, and have declared war on the Seneca.

83: The ultimate worrier

The King of the Qarmatians is plotting against Nursultan Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan. Fortunately for our rump in residence they are half a continent, and a small sea away with no direct path to get to Kostany. Also the Qarmatians have a terrible reputation for naval warfare.

This isn’t good news as it may signal a coalition about to start, but it's probably not a death knell on its own.

84: Bound away for Australia

The Palwan city of Muatawaynaji is Ishtar’s next destination. The agency is really racking up the frequent sailor miles this episode. Still another holiday in the sun isn’t a bad thing.

85: Ecuador declare war

Gabrile Moreno declares war on Ana Nzinga. The people of Ecuador aren’t exactly sure what a Rozvi is, but they like to feel that they are benevolent and as such have been participating in large scale “Justice for Rozvi” protests. Moreno, worried they will notice his inaction of domestic affairs caves to well meaning public pressure and declares war on Ndongo.

86: Go-go Goguryeo land grab!

Xiaotun is once again imperiled as the Goguryeo troops have come back, and in greater numbers. This time it would take divine intervention to save it.

87: More like Eswa-tiny

The justice for Rozvi coalition grows, with the Nivkh, Mamluks, and Eswatini getting in on the action. The remaining Rozvi units watch on in the vain hope someone may liberate one of their former cities.

Eswatini has clearly drawn the short straw here, being the only state to share a border with Ndongo. Will they be able to hold out until their allies arrive? Do their allies even plan on sending any meaningful support? Keep watching this space to find out.

88: This one’s gonna be a pier six brawl

Mithridates looks out across the black sea at Southern Ukraine.

“This should be mine.” He muses. With that an armada is launched towards Makhnovia.

The Pontic fleet in this shot outnumbers the Makhnovite defenders two-to-one, and has a tech advantage. It's going to have to be one hell of a fight if Makhno hopes to defend his shore.

The struggle is intensified as two of Nestor’s cities, including a key dockyard, are currently in resistance. This must be due to the Pontic UA: defeating units puts enemy cities into resistance. The real shocker here is that it's even more powerful than we thought. Supposed only to affect cities owned, but not founded, by the enemy, such as Kassa, somehow it has managed to put Makhno’s capital, Hulaipiole, into resistance as well. This makes it far more powerful than Makhno’s own ability which, from my experience, switches on and off at the beginning and end of your turn. This means that when the Makhnovoists attack a city they will still be subject to bombardment, and the owner can buy troops on their own turn, even if they cannot finish producing by conventional means.

My my Makhno, how the turn tables.

89: Die Viet

Thomas Peters of Sierra Leone has had it. If one more missionary turns up at his door asking if he’s heard about the teachings of the Buddah…He sends a message to Koxinga and they agree to take definitive action. It’s war with Dai Viet, and only reincarnation can save the struggling south-east Asian civ now.

90: The ninth wonder of the world, China

Zheng troops begin to mobilise in the Gulf of Tonkin. They may not be at the gates of the Dai Viet capital yet, but its fortifications are yet to be rebuilt following the previous sackings and as such it looks unlikely to stand Thang Long.

91: Bash at the beach

The Taíno navy has surrounded the city of St Augustine. The Floridian forces have evacuated to allow them to take up prime positions along the beach.

In Fernandina Gregor McGregor places a wax disc on a turntable.“Hola, ¿cómo está Usted?” Inquires the recording via a large horn attached to the box the disc is rotating on. McGregor skips the needle ahead a little.“¿Quién es el dueño del edificio?” The recording asks.“That’s more like it.” McGregor mumbles“Estoy el dueño del edificio.” The tape suggests.“Estoy el dueño del edificio.” McGregor repeats.

In search of a consolation prize, and one not primarily owned by Gregor McGregor Holdings Ltd., The Seneca are investing heavily in the Thule lands of Kinngait. They are yet to bring any melee units within capture range however, let’s hope they don’t fall victim to sunk cost fallacy.In the top right of this slide we see that Big Daddy Joe hasn’t been able to recapture the magic against Pituffik, which remains at almost full health.

92: Go-go Goguryeo groundhog day

Tamaya is now firmly in the grasp of Gwanggaeto. The Goguryeo navy has now surrounded Zia and looks to fall soon. Big Island has been retaken by the Pueblo navy, who still have reinforcements en route. Gwanggateo can still come out of this the undisputed ruler of Hawai’i, but it would be much simpler if he applied some method to his madness.

93: A rum deal

A new turn, and a new target for Gwanggateo. Having subdued Xiaotun, the Goguryeo army is now focusing on New Sarai. Using their conquest as a base they are attempting a flanking attack to take out the remaining Mongolian knights. It looks like it has a good chance of success, and if it goes according to plan New Sari should fall soon afterwards. Versed seems to now be back in the fold for the long run as well.Mongolia have recruited the great merchant Rumaliza, known to us a slave-trader. Sorghaghtani better make sure this isn’t a clever bluff by the oligarch to sell his current patrons to Gwanggaeto once the war is over.

94: Hypothetically speaking, of course

Concerned that he may soon have a new neighbour in Thomas Peters, Rama V of Siam declares war on Kanem-Bornu. Perhaps they mean to conquer part of Sierra Leone’s rival in case Thomas Peters picks up some of Dai Viet’s crumbling empire. This would mean a more equitable engagement should these proxy wars develop into something larger.

95: Indian ocean incident

Also featured in the last slide was a Singapore declaration against Vijayanagra. A while ago I suggested Krishnadevaraya may have been best served ending his current hostilities and rebuilding in case someone comes calling along his coasts. Well just such a moment has come, and whilst Lee Kuan Yew has used a strategic peace to rebuild his navy Krishnadevaraya is far from prepared.

96: The Revolution on the Cylinder: Part 8

Nestor Makhno and Viktor Bilash begin to stir almost simultaneously. Bells are ringing, and the smell of smoke is thick in the air. They exchange a brief and worried look. Marchenko can be heard retching in a corner, and Makhno’s mule miffy is trying to kick through the wall of the barn.

Igor Popkin runs into the barn, accompanied by the Ramonesanovs.

“It’s really heavy out there man!” Exclaims Igor. “You need to, like, get up, man!” He implores the rousing commander. Makhno can tell this is bad.

“What’s happening comrade Igor?” demands a woozy Nestor.

“The Pontic navy is here, man. And they’ve pulled some kind of scam, and gotten into our cites, we’re losing control, man! It’s total…”

“Don’t. Say. It” Interjects Makhno, in a quiet but dangerous voice. “Viktor, get up!” He yells at the big cossack. “If we are to die, we will die on our feet, with blades in our hands!”

Despite his past mishaps, and current shakes Nestor has never felt more self possessed. He knows what must be done. For once, he knows.

97: The name on the contact reads

“Aquí están sus documentos.” McGregor tells the Taíno envoy, handing him some papers. “Ustedes necesitan traerlos al edificio y hablarán con el gerente.” McGregor continues in his best Spanish.

St Augustine is poised to flip to the Taíno, and with it McGregors beachfront condos will be flipped again too.Up north Cornplanter has brought the isolated Thule city down to the red, but still doesn't have a melee unit within striking distance. The Seneca city of Chenussio has also started to take damage, but as we leave North America for another week it looks safe-ish for now.

98: British bulldogs

Europe ends this episode in much the same state as it began it. Wars are in progress, but going nowhere fast. There is a large English army shouting abuse at the Burgundian locals from the safeness of their resort hotels. The Visigoths still yearn hopelessly for the return of Asturica, and Latvia still can’t capture a defended city to save their life.

99: That’s-all-we-got-time-for-folks-thank-you-for-joining-us-and-goodnigh…

So far Eswatini are holding their nerve, and the line. We’ve seen protracted wars between the central and southern African powers before, but this time if Labotsibeni Mdluli can hold on long enough they may be rewarded with an allied army to help out.Tune in next week to find out if Eswatini will weather this existential threat? Can Gregor McGregor sell the same set of condos to every civ sequentially? Will the English hooligans ever make it from the pubs to the actual fight? And who will be the undisputed champion of Hawai’i? All this and more in your next installment of the Civilization Battle Royale X Mark 4.

I’ve been your host u/PlatonofGlaucon4, thank you for reading.

Episode 21: Scams, slams, and damns! – S4

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