Episode 24: Burning Snow

1: Deadline Racing

Ohayou to you all (it’s morning when I’m writing this so I can say that), it’s me again, Orange/Orangechrisy here with another episode so soon. You can’t keep me away too long >:3 I may even be back a third time depending on how things go…

Anyways, wow! Since last time I’ve finally graduated and have been lazy about things which means I’ve had a lot more time on my hands, which is how I’ve somehow completed two mods since then (Shasta and Northern Paiute), so much shorter than I’ve done before. And along with that a whole bunch of maps for people. But more than that, I just recently finally got around to redesigning and working on a mod that I’ve had in the works for nearly 5 years. And I would’ve started this narration yesterday when I got the slides but I was busy trying to focus on doing a map for them, and now I really only have a couple more bits left until that’s all done. So I’ve kind of set a goal for myself to finish that mod before this episode comes out, it’s currently Sunday morning so I have today, tomorrow, and half of Tuesday to do narration and finish that. So I guess you’ll find out afterwards if I succeeded or not…

With that all said, let’s get into the episode, it’s a real bloody one filled with wars and deceit and some very risque moments. Maybe. I dunno I haven’t read the episode yet. So I guess we’ll find out together, time to begin…

2: Map Men Map Men Map Map Map Men Men Men

Sike it’s OC time! Here we have Sonicfan’s map of the world! You can see cool things here like Khoshut’s new empire, or Sierra Leone’s border gore! Waow.

3: Wow What An Amazing OC!

Thanks me, yes of course we have the self promotion. You guys need to make more OC so I’m less able to do this! Go make some memes you fuckers! Anyways as I said it’s currently Sunday morning and I don’t do the comic until Monday evening or Tuesday morning so uh, no idea what this is on. Noongar attacking Singapore? Palawa trying yet again to attack Noongar? Ikko Ikki facing the consequences of their actions (not building boats)? Find out- well I guess you’ll already know won’t you. I’m the one left in the dark here. You tell me what my comic is about bitch!

4: Many Small Atlases Holding Up The Website Server

You should donate a little, help keep the website running and whatnot! Ignore that my name isn’t there yet…

5: They Got Grit, It’s Gotta Be Said

I want to show off the Noongar here, because they are at the center of a very big war, and somehow they’ve climbed four places because of it! They’re on the offensive against a Singapore who is struggling to return their fleet to defend, and on the defensive against a Palawa who is, uh, oh geez, twice their size militarily and 6 techs ahead… Hmm. Maybe we PRs were a bit too optimistic. BUT, it has to be noted that Noongar have been very good at clutching out wins against Palawa. Or maybe Palawa just sucks at war. Either way, I’m rooting for them, go Noongar! Burn ‘em all!

6: I’m Internally Laughing At NopeCopter and Algernon

Also externally, lmao. England calls it quits and makes peace with Bavaria, getting nothing in the deal despite how deep a red Beaune got. They managed to bring a musketman near the front, but there were still like two rows of longbowmen in the way. Bavaria supporters stay winning (that’s me :3).

7: The Ruins Of The Dying

Harappa makes peace with the Afsharids, but it's just a bit too late. The Khoshuts have taken the hollowed out remains of the Harappans and claimed it for themselves. The Harappan units are either all dead or scattered into the far off corners of the world. A tear shed for those lost.

Now I have it on good authority from the gamerunner herself that she restarted until she got a run where Harappa wins. So I’m sure they will get liberated and then pull off the most insane comeback ever sometime soon. Like, no doubt about it. But until then, Khoshuts got a new core.

08: People Ask Why Your Ass' Still A Hot Mess

Faroes prove that even the easiest of wars can be made excruciatingly difficult. One tile to attack the city, forests to block the cannons, and a giant -28% attack penalty from unhappiness because there hasn’t been a smile on a Faroese face since turn 230. But who knows, it’s hard to stop a horde no matter how weak it is.

09: Stone Cold Doesn't Have The Testicular Fortitude To Turn Up Here Tonight

Apparently that’s a real quote he said, or at least IMDb says he did. But anyways, Vince McMahon finds himself in the Indian Ocean setting up the most obscurely located wrestling event of the Cylinder.

10: It’s All Okayke

Huyustus begs Maria for peace so he can focus on the Dutch hordes, she graciously accepts, confusion in her eyes about why the clearly superior Tiwanaku leader is wanting peace so badly. Well, she can’t complain.

Anyways PLEASE BORA ATTACK TEHUELCHE!

11: Golden Wind

While engaged in war, Palawa decides to build the fairly useless wonder of Torre Del Oro, which provides +1 culture, +2 Great Merchant Points, +50% increased range of naval trade routes in the city, and +3 gold for both parties of said trade routes. Well I guess this will let them maybe reach into East Africa or India for trade routes? Idk, still useless.

12: I’m A Petty Fool

We get a nice overview shot of Ecuador after their extremely suspenseful war with Ndongo just ended, and Tom Petty is here to write a song about it.

IRL he was the leader and frontman of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers as well as Mudcrutch, and a part of the supergroup the Traveling Wilburys. This one goes out to the Brits who listen to rock from the 70s and 80s, the only people who would know this guy.

13: Ussee Ussee Uwassiye, Anata Ga Omou Yori Kenkou Desu

eSwatini makes peace with Harappa and Zheng, both important wars for sure. But we also see here the large number of citadels on the border with Ndongo. Their lands are being taken very brazenly. Ndongo has the tech advantage and eSwatini is running out of coast to defend themselves on.

Highlighted is the Mog UU the Uwassiye, which replaces the Caravel and has +5 strength (and people got on me for Malacca’s Jongs…), along with providing +2 gold for each active trade route to the city its stationed next to. In addition it +1 food per route if the city is Mogadishawi or +2 culture if not. These are now dotting the Mogadishawi coast and helping those cities grow nice and big.

14: Flip Flappers

For the eagle eyed viewers who were not me (I got like a bit over 4 hours of sleep I’m gonna miss some things…), Singapore took Tamontaka and Mulka and now the cities have flipped back to Noongar. Their fleet is looking a fair bit weaker compared to the last time we saw it, while Singapore is starting to get a few ships around. Wonder how long this can last. Singapore has a lot less production than Noongar, but Noongar of course has to divert attention to a two front war, and they don’t have all coastal cities to build frigates in like Singapore can. At least they don’t have to fight Siam I guess.

15: As The Crow Croaks

DON’T LOOK AT THE SIDEBAR IGNORE THAT FOCUS ON THE CURRENT SLIDE I’M SURE IT’LL BE SHOWN SOON.

The Crow are coming to their last legs, Chichuche falls to red and it seems Yellowknives are the most likely to take it, but Osage might be able to steal it. Baaxawuaashaliiko still stands undamaged, but that won’t be for long.

16: Ready For My Show!

There we go, the Selkups engage in their next invasion in their merciless pursuit west. Semey, Shymkent, and Taraz all stand as quick targets. But time will tell if the Selkups can push past the Urals and break into the Kazan core.

As it stands, Kazan somehow has 1 more production than the Selkups, but are outclassed in every other regard. Notably they have half the army and are 8 techs down. Though Kazan does have muskets just the same, we’ll see how much they last.

17: Rip The Dream Being Kept Alive

Taino makes peace with Seneca, getting nothing, and making their dreams of being a power one step further away. Maybe they can go after Florida again, or attack Mexico or New Holland when one is distracted. But the Seneca are where invasions go to die, and the Taino are no different.

18: Chopchopche

And Osage fails to steal it, Yellowknives are up three in this war and there’s only one city left. Can Osage finally get a win out of this? No, of course not. They only get cities from peace deals, and the Crow can’t give any more cities away now. Their only hope yet is to actually put their army to use and take Baaxawuaashaliiko themselves. I’m watching you Pawhuska, I’m watching you.

19: Animatronics Of The Olden World

A young man in southwest England has come up with a marvelous idea, a restaurant aimed at kids! There could be games to play and Roman “pizza”, and even, potentially, a mechanical mouse! Surely this won’t cause any problems.

I glanced over it when reading the google result but Nolan Bushnell was not just the creator of the Chuck E. Cheese restaurant chain but also the creator of the Atari??? Why did the guy who made the Atari decide to make a dumb animatronic based pizza arcade restaurant???

Also we ignore the top left, I was gonna follow up the previous shot of that battle with the next line of the lyric but it kinda requires them to make progress and they haven’t at all.

20: Trust Me Ships Can Totally Go On Land

Ishtar brings a report from the frozen north that the Faroes are plotting (or as Thy pointed out last time, just being deceptive) against Bavaria. Someone please tell them that uh, boats don’t go on land. Bavaria has no coastal cities so they’re safe for now. And in general, I believe in the fortress of Bavaria who are still defending well against Latvia and Royal Hungary and maybe hopefully can make a push on the RH capital soon?

21: The Tower Of Ceramic

But wait, there’s more! Ishtar has some better information than just deception: Trondur i Gotu is building the Porcelain Tower! As we all know, Porcelain Tower is one of the best science wonders, and will help propel the Faroes further, despite their science starting to take a hit from prolonged unhappiness.

22: Time To Quito

Ishtar’s next mission is in Quito, Ecuador. Maybe there for intelligence, maybe there just to listen to some Ecuadorian rock.

23: Gunpowder And Roses

The sounds of war change, the people don’t. First it was the advent of steel, the swords grew longer and heavier. Every clash reverberated back to the wielder. Now it’s the advent of guns. Handheld muskets making a sickening crack to drown out the sound of bodies slumping to the ground. Every shot a horrid glimpse at the wretched reality of man. Enkh knew no other. Drafted into the Mongolian army as soon as he was of age, he was forced to learn to shoot before he learned how to drink. An Arkhi with ice would’ve done him well. Instead here he sits, in a field of trampled flowers, bandaging an arm from a victory that didn’t feel like it. How could it when all around him were bodies and blood. One could almost say the red stained roses were beautiful if not for the stench of death that infected every petal. The only way Enkh could see this as a victory was if victory was death itself, and he had failed to reach it.

Enkh stood up, left arm like a dead weight, musket in his right, prickly rose in his pocket. The war continued, another crack in the distance.

24: Fleeting Resistance

A lone Ikko Ikki ship sneaks through the Zheng lines to recapture Yoshizaki Gobo for likely the last time. Kennyo still isn’t building units, and well, looking at their technologies it ain’t looking good. They’ve heavily focused the bottom of the tree so don’t have Navigation yet, the extremely critical tech that gives them the good boats. Frigates make quick work of their predecessors, wonder how long the Ikko front can hold on.

25: The Knights Of The Sea

Singapore is getting more ships out and also more knights, they seem to be playing a vital role in taking cities for both parties really. Mulka falls once more as Noongar gets more units set up on Java. If Singapore wastes all their units attacking Mulka which can be easily retaken with land units then it will give Noongar greater ability to harass Raffles Place and whatever city that is off to the left. But really, Noongar should probably be looking to make peace soon while they are still ahead. Maybe try to nab one more city but the defensive fleets are quickly growing. Come on Noongar I believe!

26: Slick Dealings

Gregor MacGregor has somehow garnered the wrath of the Afsharids and New Holland, luckily for him neither of those pose any threat. St. Augustine continues to grow and MacGregor has another two settlers out in case he can resettle anything nearby, but he kinda needs his neighbors to fight first. On that note, were those Mexican citadels there before? I’m not gonna go check. (I did go check, they were but it was in the corner and not commented on. Not sure if they were here before then too that sort of checking is far too much for me).

27: Trapped In Agony

SO, Nivkh has been burdened this whole war by the fact that they don’t have open borders with Gogurt, making them unable to effectively move their sizable fleet near their capital to the front. Thule though, does have open borders with Gogurt, and is using that to get right up to trapped ships and jeer at them from the decks. Honsho-ji looks like it’s pretty safely in Thule hands, and Visk’vo is starting to take damage. Really, Nivkh needs to start producing a bunch of units up in their arctic cities.

28: A Composition Of Dead Enemies

Luciano Berio has begun creating experimental “electronic” (no one can understand what that even means) music. Despite the confusion, people still enjoy his compositions, especially the ones about how the Singaporeans and Palawans suck and how Noongar is the best and will win. They are backed up by facts here, they have taken two Singaporean cities of course and Palawa continues to fail at taking Kriwa.

IRL, Luciano Berio was an Italian composer who made a lot of experimental and early electronic music.

29: Damnietta

Bukhara and eSwatini announce that they’ve had enough of the rabble rousing Mamluks, those no good Red Sea dwellers. Another leader asked “Well, what did they do?” Shaybani spat on the ground and Mdluli gave a death glare, “They know what they did.” No one, in fact, knew what they did. Still, the resentment was high, perhaps they could sway more to their cause, maybe even someone actually relevant.

30: The Fancies Of The Rich

At the grand opening of the Porcelain Tower, a masterpiece of Faroese architecture on a platform just off the coast of Torshavn, Great King Trondur i Gotu was trying very very hard to ensure people did not look slightly away from the main attraction to where hordes of protestors with guns were chanting slogans against the arrogance of the elites. A fancy tower dedicated to the sciences would not solve the depression gripping the nation. No, they needed actual help. For too long has the noble class been able to siphon the economic might of the country solely to the top, and to ensure that despite the amount of food produced the people only got barely enough to survive. A pitiful display of extravagance this tower was. And once the ceremony is over the gunfire will begin and all that will be left of the protestors is a pile of corpses and an ever persistent resentment.

On the other side of the world, Ishtar is glad she got out, what a terrible place.

31: Snow And Horses

Altan stood in a watchtower outside of Almarikh as he had for the past three years. It was an alright position, better than the east that’s for sure. No wars out here, just endless snow. So much snow. A white blanket covering the hills and forests. That reminded him, the only blanket Altan was provided was threadbare. He was told it was because the good blankets needed to go to the soldiers out east, but they had body heat at least. Out here, there was nothing. He shivered, the fingers on his hand had been turning blue for a while. How long had he been up here today? 10 hours? He was so tired… Maybe he just needed to sit down for a bit, wrap himself up in his shitty blanket and reheat. As he curled up against the wall he felt his eyes closing. It would be okay, nothing happens here.

Altan awoke to the rumbling of hooves, the cracking of the wooden supports, and gravity dragging him down with the rest of the watchtower. He went back to sleep a few seconds later. A trampled pile of beams was all he’d get for a grave.

32: The Former Giant Wakes

Okay I can’t do a narrative for every slide of this war, they take too long and I’m not good enough at writing. Anyways, Shang after taking so long to get out of anarchy, has built up an army and is intent on retaking the cities they lost to Mongolia in the previous war. This is looking quite bad for Mongolia, the only neighbor not attacking them right now is the Dzungars who famously don’t like attacking. While they were doing well against just Gogurt, Shang and Selkups are definitely going to make things worse.

33: A Little Give And Take

Noongar’s navy continues to deplete and Singapore’s continues to grow stronger, yet as it stands not much has changed. Singapore retakes Tamontaka but Noongar goes and snags Sentosa in the west, which should be harder for Singapore to recapture given the lack of any ships nearby. They’re putting everything through the north and east sides of Java. Noongar also retakes Mulka as expected.

34: Ural Dead To Me

Semey and Shymkent take damage from the massive Selkup army, with Semey dropping down to yellow. These cities are definitely dead in the water.

35: A Pun On The Name Baaxawuaashaliiko

That’s right you do the work this time, go on, figure out the pun yourself. Anyways, Crow’s last city is starting to take damage and would you look at that it’s only the Yellowknives doing anything, waow. Pawhuska blames the Pueblo crossbowmen floating in the lake, but like we all know he’s just trying to save face for his abysmal skills at actually taking cities.

Now in more important news: Would you look at that, the Seneca Thule war is really kicking off as uh, one Seneca crossbow gets damaged as it shoots a privateer while it's in range of the Thule city. Thrilling.

36: The Frozen Wastes

After seeing Vijayanagara settle so brazenly close to their capital, the Noongar decide to follow suit and snatch the slightly larger bit of Antarctic wasteland just to its west. And they sent out a second settler just in case, and got a third in the desert. Really Yagan I need you to send all your frigates north, please, beat back Singapore, take your rightful place on top.

37: Wreaths And Corpses

Another searing pain, he should’ve been used to it by now. One shot in his left arm, two in his side, and now one into his right shoulder. He should’ve been used to it, yet it still made him want to crumple to the ground and howl. Every movement hurt; he couldn’t stop, he needed to get to safety. The ground he stepped through was a mulch of petals and limbs.

When Enkh returned to the nearest medical bay there was an air of celebration, evidently not for the battle he was just in. No, people were celebrating the end of the war. It gave him a slight feeling of relief before the burning sensation in his shoulder shook him out of it. It was not the true end. He knew they’d just be redeployed to the south and soon become just like their fallen comrades, and so would he. Enkh hobbled into the nearest tent and painfully sat down to wait his turn for the surgeon. People from outside came in to commemorate the injured. What a bunch of misguided fools.

A wreath of flowers was draped around his neck. He couldn’t stand the smell of them.

38: But They Don't Figure That Improvement's A Process

See now I can use this lyric properly. That wasn’t so hard was it Faroes? And all it took was, uh, an entire navy and army to bring this cutoff colony down to red. I guess when I put it that way it’s less impressive. Maybe they should’ve done better if they wanted it to be impressive. But hey, improvement’s a process.

39: WHAT? FLEETS? DUNCAN!

The new Roman admiral Adam Duncan and his mighty navy begin to batter the Visigoth city of Narbo, damaging it slightly. Now if I recall correctly those ships are not ranged, so this is probably not going to work out against the one tile coast that Narbo has. But the Visigoths suck so I don’t doubt they’ll somehow figure out a way to pull a defeat out of their ass, maybe give a city to Rome or something.

Adam Duncan was a British admiral who is most notable for his victory at the Battle of Camperdown against the Batavian Republic, which wikipedia says was a super important battle.

40: Hello Everyone I’m In Civ VII

Ben Franklin has taken some time out of his busy work schedule preparing for the release of Civ VII where he is a leader for some reason (they’ll make anyone a leader before Fillmore 😔). Now he’s here, in the Gogurt tundra, looking at deer and thinking Shikanokonokonokokoshitantan, probably. Or maybe how to electrify them. Or when he can go back to his illustrious life in the Civ VII spotlight, the bastard.

41: You Lose Some, You Talk Less, You Work On Your Aim

The Faroes prove once again that they are not the worst civ in the game at war, just close to the bottom. Hispalis falls and with it the dreams of the Visigoth empire (jk the Visigoths are shit and had no chance of an empire since the start lmao losers). Now, what I really want right now is this same image but all of the Grindadraps removed. Is the force really that imposing if you remove all the workboats?

42: Forgotten Flings

I totally did not remember that the Selkups had a little colony on the other side of Taraz, and to be fair there’s not much to it. The city is largely protected by the overflowing of Kalmyk units, so doubt much will happen. The Selkups are busy setting up units around Shymkent, though maybe a bit too far away do they seriously only have one cannon why?

43: The Return Of The Friend

Shang units flood across the front lines, and the many citadels around Yuanjunmiao. If they can get units in the right positions they should probably be able to take the city, especially with their two citadels positioned well to prevent Mongolia from being able to reinforce. At least, if Shang doesn’t split their forces.

44: Windflowers In Heat

Kriwa continues to hold its position as possibly the best defended city so far. Like Noongar took it to start and then Palawa has tried to take it back so many times now and they just can’t. Maybe it’s the river and the lakes causing movement to be tricky and make it hard for siege units to get into position. Or maybe Palawa just sucks at war. Who’s to say?

45: Burning Snow

There’s not much in the north besides bodies hidden in snow and the burnt down houses of Arctic Mongolia. Men on horses harass the villagers and pillage what they can. The cities will fall, but the Selkups will make it painful for those living there. A mercy to those who died already.

46: And Spare The Others That'll Follow Any Meaning Of Shame

“Lmao bang” - Zoey Proasheck

47: Portrait Of The Great Cornplanter

Over in the west Baaxawuaashaliiko remains in high green, and the Yellowknives are trying to further block off Osage while letting them do the sieging with their trebuchet.

Meanwhile, in Seneca lands, Cornplanter is busy getting his portrait done by the new painter Valentin Serov. There are at least 43 ears of corn in the image.

IRL Valentin Serov was a Russian painter known for his portraits at the turn of the 20th century. Also looking at his Wikipedia page I noticed one portrait he did was of Ida Rubenstein and I was like “wait she sounds familiar” and that’s cause she’s bi and in the past I had been diving Wikipedia following this big relationship web of socialites women of the era, in this case Ida had a relationship with painter Romaine Brooks who had a three way relationship with the legendary Natalie Barney and Lily de Gramont, and a lot of her paintings for a time were of Barney’s other partners and flings. I love this part of history.

48: A Man Overlooking All

Chares of Lindos is approached by the Faroese government who “ask” him to build a giant statue of Trondur in the capital. Chares very much wants to build a giant statue, but like all people not in the upper echelons he didn’t exactly like Trondur, and certainly did not want to destroy his potential to be hired by others due to working for the king. He was instead sent to Greenland where he now sits miserably listening to a few very cold musicians.

Chares of Lindos was the builder of the Colossus of Rhodes, he’s a bit late for that here but maybe he can still work something out, if the cold doesn’t get to him first.

49: The More Plots I Hear About The Less I Believe Them

Ishtar reports that Ecuador is plotting (read deceiving) Tiwanaku! This would be a good war for them probably, if they had more units, and if the units they did have were on the right border. But like, points for effort I guess, maybe? It would also be really funny if they try to attack New Holland. Though either way I think they have too many knights for either attack to work well.

50: Nunu’e Business

She heads off west to the Pacific empire of Bora Bora (the best civ). Hopefully she finds them engaging in an invasion soon.

51: Rainbows After Storms

Changhua is firmly back in Zheng hands, no Ikko Ikki units are around at all. The only ones on this screen are an embarked cannon and a lancer in Shoman-ji in the north. Yeah I think Zheng is gonna be having a nice time.

52: The Search For Drake’s Passage

The Palawans have hired navigator Henry Hudson to see if they can find a passage under Tierra del Fuego to reach the Atlantic and attack their enemies in the Tehuelche (the western cities are apparently “not worth it” and “kinda mid tbh”). Hudson does find the passage, and also Tehuelche ships, with guns, pointed at him. Maybe he will fare better here than real life.

Speaking of, Henry Hudson is the explorer who “discovered” the Hudson Bay when searching for the northwest passage, along with the Hudson river through New York named after him. On his expedition that reached Hudson Bay his crew mutinied and sent him adrift, never to be seen again (by Europeans, there are Inuit accounts that suggest they met him). Still got a river, strait, and bay named after him though.

53: A Slow Green Blob

The Selkups are taking this war very slowly. Semey remains in the green, Shymkent only just now hit red, and Taraz hasn’t even been touched yet. But they have a lot of units around, and these cities don’t have very high strength. So at some point throwing units into it will work.

54: It’s So Not Bac Giang

Siam, having a moment of peace, decides it is finally time to put Dai Viet out of their misery. Bac Giang looks like it won’t be too difficult to take. Also I should point out, Siam has some nice citadels here, grabbing a lot of coast from Singapore.

55: Listening To The Stars

It’s almost over for the Crow, all they’ve got left is to pray to the stars that they can pull off a miracle here. The Yellowknives have accidentally given up their position and now Osage has two knights next to the city and one in the water below Necha Go Do. The Yellowknives have two knights nearby but both too far and blocked by other units to do much. Is this the fabled Osage does something moment? (Though if they do, would everyone then just declare on them? That would be nice cause Pueblo still hasn’t tried to attack them yet and just ahhhhhhhh c’mon Po’pay).

56: Squidward On A Chair

We’re halfway there folks! Slide 56/111!

Royal Hungary has pushed on Straubing a bit but nothing that will do any lasting harm. The most amusing thing here is the fact that there are Mamluk units blocking the path from Bavaria’s Italian city to Munich and Regensburg. Not like those units were doing much reinforcement anyways, but still, now they can’t at all.

57: They’re So Finnished

A couple sightseeing Finns find themselves in the middle of a naval battle between Zheng and Ikko Ikki as Ikko Ikki attempts to retake Yoshizaki Gobo and is definitely not going to succeed. Meanwhile the Zheng navy is looking real terrifying and has started scratching on the doors of Oyama Gobo.

58: Kurwa

Kriwa finally starts to take some damage as Palawa gets a few cannons set up. Their tech advantage is starting to show here as Noongar is still rocking trebuchets and Palawa is pushing out marines and line infantry I think that is. But will it be enough? I’m not sure. If Noongar can push into that clump of units from the north and clear out the south then they should hold fine. But that certainly is an if.

59: Now Here’s A Little Lesson In Trickery!

New Holland fooled us all by making us think they were doing an attack across their larger border with Tiwanaku but no, actually that was all a diversion for their backdoor squad of three frigates and a caravel to attack Pampa Koani. Genius. It won’t work out, but genius.

Also some useless war declarations happen, though three against Finns might suggest that there’s a chance Ume Sami or Latvia join in.

60: It’s So Crowver

Sound the trumpets of defeat as the final Crow city falls to Osage. Crow uh, didn’t really do all that much, like at all. I have no idea what they did before the most recent wars with Thule/Yellowknives/Osage and the previous war they gave away a city to Thule. Did they do anything outside of that? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe they should’ve wanted it more.

Osage taking this city puts them back on to having a spotty war record rather than a terrible one accented by good peace deals. But I do really hope this causes everyone to attack them, or specifically Pueblo. Please Pueblo I need you to do good. Stop disappointing me.

61: Yip Yip Screeeeech

Yuanjunmiao drops to yellow and yeah, that is definitely falling. Old Sarai also starts to be attacked by knights, but Dali will need to bring in some ranged units if she wants a chance to take it.

Was gonna do more narrative bits but I made Enkh a musketman and none of those have come down to help defend yet soooo. You are spared for now (but only for now).

62: The Fuck Did They Come From?

Literally what? Two turns ago (slide 51) there was not a Ikko ship in sight. And now, three ships appeared out of nowhere and took Changhua? Seriously, where did they come from? Were they off to the right just off screen? Hmm no slide 51 showed a lot more of that side. Okay I think slide 51 was during the middle of the turn (on Osage’s turn) and Ikko Ikki is after them, so they had three turns on movement here rather than just two (as it is currently Khoshuts moving, who are after Ikko). Though Thy has informed me that these are galleons which only have 4 movement. Though he has also informed me that the Exploration policy opener gives a movement, which would mean a max distance here of 15 which does mean they could’ve come out of nowhere. Wew, glad that mystery is solved. Anyways Changhua will be taken back soon enough.

63: Fortresses Of Ice

The first casualty of the Selkups-Kazan War is not one of the border cities like one might expect, but actually Kostanay, the Kazakh hold out. Selkup ships deftly avoided the three citadels on the Arctic coast; these massive behemoths of stone had been built with the intention of preventing any navy from moving into Kazan’s icy waters. But the freezing ice around the coast allowed the ships to skirt on past without the fortresses being able to stop them. At least that’s what the official report says. In actuality it seems Kazan did not properly man the fortresses, and the Selkups moved past without hearing nary a whisper.

64: Get Dunced On

Adam Duncan, despite damaging Narbo down to yellow, is forced to retreat as Rome makes peace with the Visigoths. He bemoans his superiors who made peace when he was on the verge of breakthrough, but really it was because his sailors began to mutiny after seeing so many before them being rammed into the city to little avail. It seems he would not be able to recreate his IRL successes here…

Also like a million people attack the Mamluks (four due to a religious war there). Yet none are their neighbors so the Mamluks remain safe.

65: Bullets And Swords

Bilgüün pleaded with the general, “We need guns, please! Their bullets punch right through our armor before we can even get close!”

The general rolled his eyes, “You can’t get a steady shot while on a horse, there’s no point in wasting precious guns on you.”

Bilgüün tried to argue further, “This is a suicide mission you’re sending us on, you can’t be serious about this!”

The general once again rolled his eyes, sighing, “If you defy orders again you will be hanged before the moon arrives.”

Bilgüün stormed out of the tent, cursing under his breath. This was the way the army worked. The upper layers of the army, the generals and toumans and orloks, give meaningless and deadly orders to the squadron leaders who are the ones who get the brunt of the hate when they get up and say “Today you are going to die.” What a marvelous system. Bilgüün hated it with every breath.

Today was a day like no other, he had to get up in front of his knightly regiment and tell them that they would ride along the Hsia river with the goal of overrunning the fortress at Shayglgynak, a fortress manned with guns. At best they’d be able to make the fortress unusable for a time, at worst they’d all die. It felt like blood on his hands and they hadn’t even left the preparation tent. In a few days Bilgüün would be plastered in crimson trying to save as many men as he could from the hellish gunfire.

66: The Industrial Revolution And Its Consequences Have Been A Disaster For The Human Race

Another civ attacks the Finns, getting closer now with the Faroes. But more importantly, almost grayed out, the Faroes have entered the Industrial Era. Are they the first to do so? I don’t know. Wahgi probably got there already but I didn’t see a notification and I don’t know exactly how EE changes the tech tree to see if I could see any specific Industrial Era units. So I’m declaring that the Faroes reached it first, good job guys, please get better at war.

67: Scorched Earth

The Faroes hated that city so much they burned it to the ground, and I don’t see the settler they used to have nearby that could resettle it. What a pointless war. But I understand, I too hate the Visigoths. Justified.

68: Green Gulf

Mexico attacks Seneca so we get a nice shot of Mexico and their gulf holdings. They have quite the nice empire, sadly spoiled by them owning the rightful Pueblo city of Walatowa (The Pueblo also claim La Puebla as their rightful lands due to the name but that one’s less reasonable). Mexico is looking real strong and should probably go fight Taino instead. Or Osage. One of their actual neighbors rather than Seneca.

Also more people attack the Finns, notably Kazan. The wars draw closer.

69: Rivers And Bolts

Enkh was glad that he was assigned to a position near the capital rather than the front lines. He was broken badly yet still forced to fight due to his status as a “veteran of the east”. Yet this safety only lessened the simmering hate he had grown, this government was stationing everyone around the capital and Turfan, rather than sending anything to defend the south. Sure, it would be sending more to their deaths but if the higher-ups had set up proper defensive positions than it would be the Shang would be running into death. If this whole system wasn’t an incompetent mess then they wouldn’t be sitting here watching their countrymen die.

Enkh reached into his pocket to thumb the crushed petals of the prickly rose he got that terrible day. Yet another reminder of the dead and dying. Someone outside called for a meeting, where a general would announce that Yuanjunmiao had fallen and that there was nothing that they could do. He crushed the petals a little bit more. The safety of the capital wasn’t enough to get rid of this awful stench.

70: Ghost Ships

Well Singapore has retaken Little India and Tamontaka sadly, though it seems both sides are kind of running out of steam. The navies are much smaller now than they were a few turns ago. It’s currently between Singapore and Noongar turns, Singapore has gone but Noongar is still up, so maybe they’ll retake one of the two cities then and clear out even more ships. Noongar could definitely use some melee ships though, perhaps some privateers to start stealing Singaporean ships?

71: The End Of A Dream

Selkups I put you fourth in the power rankings last episode, you’re making me sorely regret it. Can’t even tell if you kept that arctic city. This is an embarrassment. You’re even the ones who made peace here! Put some fire into your negotiation next time, geez.

72: A Better Plan

Hudson decides that actually screw trying to go below the cape, and screw whoever decided that Cona Niyue was “mid”, he was gonna come out of this war with some success at least. Or well, by decides I mean his crew threatened to mutiny and he got strange flashbacks of a previous life and the frozen waters of Canada. But hey, it does seem like they will take the city at least, another Pacific landing in South America (BORA PLEASE DO SOMETHING).

73: A Stalwart Siege

This is a very slow war it seems. They set up one trebuchet in range and like only one galleass can attack and are sending in knights. In the meantime the people living around Chiang Mai are forced to give up their homes to house the thousands of soldiers sitting around doing nothing.

74: Hello Melancholic

Sierra Leone finally, finally learns how to start sieging Marrakech. They are doing it super slowly and are interrupted by Kanem-Bornu units but still. This war may soon no longer be a melancholic desert romp.

75: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Ishtar reports that Bora Bora is plotting against (deceiving) Tehuelche. Will this lead to something? Uh, probably not. But a catgirl can dream…

76: Bigger India

She gets reassigned to Vijayanagara, perhaps there will be some intrigue laying around about plans against the Khoshuts or revenge against Singapore.

77: Map :]

We also get a lovely map view, here you can see that yes, the Selkups did indeed hold that arctic city, good job you losers. We also see Noongar having retaken Tamontaka. I’m also amused by how a few tiles are missing colors or have just white, such as next to the Osage capital or in eastern Australia.

78: Ao No Waltz

The Latvians get dragged into a war against Royal Hungary and the behest of Ndongo, despite the fact that RH is helping them fight Bavaria (who of course is doing very well at defending). The bordering with RH is kinda funky, forcing the Hungarians to push through a mountain gap into a citadel, but at the same time not like Latvia will be able to push the other way either. The most this war will do is distract units from both and away from Bavaria, so that’s nice.

79: On A Leash

The three northeast Asians team up in a religious war to fight the Visigoths on the other side of the world. Maybe this will be what allows Nivkh to gain open borders with Gogurt and finally be able to retake their city.

Also Rome makes peace with Royal Hungary, with no gifted cities.

80: Kurwa!

Okay I guess my previous prediction is proven imprecise. Palawa does manage to succeed in taking Kriwa, though they won’t hold it for long, and their reinforcements have decided to chill between Nipaluna and Pataway instead of moving forward. A small obstacle in the destined Noongar greatness.

81: Shirley You Can’t Be Serious

Charlotte Brontë’s newest tale depicts a squadron of forlorn Singaporeans, sent off on a suicide mission to go all the way around Australia in order to launch a sneak attack against the southern Noongar cities. It’s a tale of piracy and misdeeds and heroism in the face of the unsteady waters. Of course it's an instant hit among Wahgi readers.

Charlotte Brontë was an English writer most known for the novel Jane Eyre.

82: The Wanderings Of The Damned

The remnants of the Rozvi have made camp in southern Bavaria, sitting around with two settlers in the hope that England takes and razes one of the remaining Burgundian cities. Instead, England attacks the Visigoths (lmao). Maybe England will be able to push past the Pyrenees in the way that the Visigoths could not and make better use of Iberia.

83: A Miserable Bundle Of Sticks

Gogurt has become the first civ to adopt an ideology, which means they hit the Industrial Era some bit ago and specifically researched Industrialization, and then built three factories. Which does also mean their production is gonna be popping off. Anyways, they have decided what they need in this new era is a fascistic cult around the eternal leader Gwanggaeto, lots of rallies, fancy uniforms, military production, and of course racism. Long live the Gogurt state, long live the eternal father!

84: Kurwa!!

See I told you so, easily taken back and not in danger anymore, at least until the next major push.

Now, y’know what I find interesting? If you go back a few slides to the one with Latvia and Bavaria you’ll see that like, most tiles are completely empty. Now, improvements get their visuals reloaded if you zoom in, and apparently also if you pillage a tile I think. Now, down here all the farms are showing everywhere, nearly everything is improved. So did Lacs just zoom in here sometime recently? Or are the Europeans just awful at improving? Probably the first but wouldn’t it be funny if it was the second.

85: Crushed Under Snow

Finally Hovd and Almarikh fall to the Selkups, and they start damaging Ulaanbaatar too. These northern cities were almost impossible for Mongolia to hold, but they aren’t that great so in the long run it’s not the worst that could happen. Still sucks though, especially to the people living there who got trampled and shot and frozen. But it’s okay the government doesn’t really care about them so they don’t count.

86: Keep An Eye On You

After a years long investigation into the dealings of St. Augustine, Agüeybaná has found the culprit behind it all: Gregor MacGregor. Of course, it was obvious, but he needed hard proof of the scams going on. A paper trail led to the gates of Fernandina and from there to the office of MacGregor. A good a time as ever to start a war, the Taino are already at the walls of the city.

87: The British Bash

England starts off strong as Chevauchées break through the Basque region and their UA starts to damage cities, though that’s kinda just been a thing going this whole time the Visigoths will heal it up once their turn arrives. But it is nice for England to always be doing 10 damage to cities each turn, once they get to the siege part that 10 extra damage a turn can be quite helpful.

Also a Faroese fleet slowly, slowly starts heading towards Iberia.

88: Hate The Broken

A couple useless war declarations go out, but the Nivkh vs Mongolia one is the most interesting and gives us a shot of northern Gogurt. The lands of northeast Mongolia remain pillaged, the government only now getting to rebuilding efforts (to the cost of those who had to flee and have been trapped away from home for years now).

89: The Arctic’s Just On Fire I Think

Another northern war, this time Ume Sami vs Kazan, blocked by Latvia. Some of these will end up making a difference, I’m sure.

90: Deforestation Is Cool

In the remains of the Amazon Jungle we see the supposedly super strong New Holland still failing to do anything against Tiwanaku, Tiwanaku on the other hand is actually pushing on their former city of Pajchiri but I don’t think they have enough to take it right now. How is it that the only civ that can progress in South America is Bora, WHO STILL NEED TO GO ATTACK SOMEONE PLEASE.

91: Oyabe Gobo

The full brunt of the Zheng navy is slamming into Oyama Gobo and uh, yeah that shit is dead in the water, or the island I guess. Ikko Ikki still can’t make boats and honestly what are they even doing? Like, they need to use their production for good and defend themselves, or try and make peace before the losses are too much. But really at this point their chances are long gone. Ota is wide open, so is Nagashima. It’s a matter of time not a matter of if.

92: The Father Of Bora Nova

Out here in the peaceful Pacific you can chill out in the big Bora cities and listen to the newest hits in a style called Bora nova, a mix of Bora jazz and samba.

IRL Antonio Carlos Jobim was a Brazilian musician and the creator of Bossa nova. Pretty cool.

BORA FUCKING ATTACK ONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS PLEASE I’M DYING HERE

93: The Goriest Of Borders

We take a look over in east Africa as eSwatini, Mog, and the Mamluks all attack Mongolia because of some reason or another. Anyways this region is such a mess of borders, really hope someone starts to consolidate things (hopefully Mog cause I’m rooting for them but like at least someone try to put this region out of its misery).

94: Midwest Managing

Osage also hops on the “fuck Mongolia from too far away to do anything” train, so we get a nice shot of their empire as they consolidate their holdings. I like how the former Shawnee capital is the largest city by far here, and also how Pueblo has citadeled the Osage capital of Ni-o-sho-de very well. Now if only they would use that to press their advantage and attack. The civs I’m rooting for are being very lazy lately.

95: D-D-D-DOUBLE KILL

Siam is so Bac Giang as the final Dai Viet city falls, putting them in 54th, and giving me a nice double elimination episode (maybe more, maybe Saba attacks the Mamluks and wipes them in like a turn or two Idk I haven’t gotten there yet). Dai Viet started off strong, had nice settles, and nice culture, but ultimately failed to capitalize on their position and slowly wasted away. They had initial wins against Zheng but then let Zheng build up and settle and ultimately turn things around and take them out. At least they have left their final city to the culture powerhouse of Siam who will also stagnate more but has higher chances of doing things.

96: The Dark Kalmyk Rises

The Kalmyks make peace with the extremely threatening Finns and we see that they have decided to make their culture internationally known by hiring filmmaker Christopher Nolan to direct a movie about their past defenses and inspire the next generation.

Christopher Nolan is the director behind the Dark Knight trilogy, Interstellar, Dunkirk, and Oppenheimer. He’s one of the most highly regarded film directors of the last twenty years. I’ll trust wikipedia on this but I haven’t watched any of his stuff before so who knows.

97: shockedpikachu.png

Sierra Leone makes peace with the Visigoths with no cities changing hands and still are failing to take Marrakech. They don’t even have anything in the way this time. I think they’re just bad at war. Or maybe the Alaouites are just really good at defense. Or maybe the Alaouites just have cheats enabled, yeah, that sounds more likely.

98: Gate (The Anime)

Across the Banz River a new monument has been built, the Brandenburg Gate, truly a testament to the power and ego of the Wahgi and Great King Bol’im. His arrogance and desire for more and more wonders to fill up his empire at the toil and blood of the workers who build them.

99: An Ideology Fit For A Tyrant

The Wahgi are next to an ideology, Bol’im following in Gwanggaeto’s footsteps and declaring himself as the sovereign ruler of Polynesia, one that can only be run by a hierarchy based around himself. The Maguindanao populations quickly find their rights being stripped away as they get forced to work in constructing monuments built of ego.

100: The Ganges Campaign

Yes, good job seeing the sidebar earlier, proud of you. Vijay has attacked the Khoshuts, angry at having Mohenjo-daro stolen from under their fingers. Now they want it back, and maybe Lothal too. The Ganges is gonna run red.

The Vijay UU that’s in play here is a crossbow replacement weak on defense but strong on offense, and good against cavalry. They will probably make quick work of the Khoshut knights, and with their attack they may be able to quickly kill units in general, as long as they stay on the offense.

101: Kill The Corpses

Ishtar sends a report that somehow Vijay is plotting against (deceiving) the Rozvi, who are very much dead. Maybe if Rozvi somehow manages to get a city settled and get back into the game Vijay is just gonna attack immediately. For now though, it’s a fair bit useless.

102: To The Kings Of America

She gets reassigned to the Yellowknives, hoping to see what the newest top tier power is up to.

103: Sand And Suicide

Back on the march. Enkh’s regiment finally got the orders to move, far too late and with far too few people. They needed a wall and they were sent off to be a stepping stone. The latest battle, when a small group of cavalry had launched a surprise attack while they were camped out for the night on the road to Xiaotun, left Enkh with a limp and another hole in him. His arm was doing better, the stiffness and occasional spasms accounted for in how he wielded his gun. Yet still, every movement had a slight ache to it, a faint sting to every action. At least now he was old enough to drink away the pain at night. Alcohol to numb the physical pain, a traumatized mind to numb the mental. He was a shell of a man dressed up in the flowery visage of a veteran. Maybe the next attack would bring him mercy.

104: Twinstar Cyclone Runaway

Catching fish on the high seas the brave Faroese navy (consisting of 75% fishermen) makes its way to the Iberian coast, presumably to overfish the waters due to having already destroyed their native seas. Emerita better watch itself or it's going to be the next catch.

105: New Fortunes

After the fall of Dai Viet, the lord Nguyen Hue flet to the Khoshuts and offered his services as a general, where he was graciously accepted and sent to the front lines. Mohenjo-daro is citadeled in a way that will make it hard for the Khoshuts to defend it well, and Lothal is starting to get surrounded, but they have a lot of units around so it may end up alright.

Nguyen Hue was the second emperor of the Tay Son dynasty of Dai Viet, about 500 years after Tran Thanh Tong, the leader of Dai Viet in this royale.

106: ENHANCE

Well, this is useful since I missed it, but Khoshuts have started putting out their UU, the Yaso. The Yaso is a lancer replacement that makes adjacent mounted units have their city attack penalty reversed, and when capturing (or near to a capturing) a city it turns the city to the Khoshut religion. This won’t be the most useful here unless the Khoshuts push Vijay all the way back, which is unlikely.

107: A Joyful Life

The citizens of UlaanBaatar find themselves starving, surrounded, and left to die. Fun.

A bit south, the Selkups are making progress on Hsia, pushing at the city but not yet damaging it. Their force consists mostly of Skewbald Riders and Lancers, which isn’t the best for taking cities.

108: Hoping For Hawaii

So in case you missed it like I did, that Gobo city fell on slide 98 and got retaken three slides ago. I think a big thing is the Gogurt cities that are just, blocking the way for the northern Honshu galleasses to make their way south. I mean, also just Ikko Ikki not building better boats, but a little bit of the cut-off-ness too. Anyways Zheng decides instead of going around Tamaya they are gonna squeeze through the gap and then somehow cross the land in order to attack Shoman-ji. If they go around they’ll probably take it all things considered. Ikko just has no defenses around.

109: Paint The Town Blue

Sierra Leone is still struggling to paint Marrakech in their colors, and they thought maybe some music will help. So they brought in the Pixies to try and bump up the soldiers’ spirits and get the adrenaline pumping. I don’t think it’ll work.

The Pixies are an American alternative rock band who seemed to have some popular hits. Also as a callback to a previous great musician mentioned, their fourth album was called Bossanova, though it was not actually Bossa nova it was “alternative rock”, “space rock”, “surf rock”, and “grunge”.

Also that Gobo city fell to Zheng again. Also that Tehuelche city managed to avoid getting taken somehow.

110: Burning Snow Makes It Into Water And Then Into Steam, Steam From The Steamed Clams We’re Having. Mmm. Steamed Clams.

I hope you’re ready for mouthwatering Ulaanbaatar!

I thought we were having “steamed clams”.

Oh no, I said “steamed ulaans”! That's what I call Ulaanbaatar.

You call Ulaanbaatar “steamed ulaans”?

Yes! It's a regional dialect.

Uh-huh. Eh, what region?

Uh... upstate Selkups?

Really? Well, I'm from Kuchuk and I've never heard anyone use the phrase “steamed ulaans”.

Oh, not in Kuchuk, no. It's a Varz Kara expression.

I see.

111: Curtain Call

We end with a shot of Singapore, they’ve secured Little India but are still fighting over Tamontaka and have brought in an admiral to help out. Wikipedia says Keumalahayati was the first woman admiral in the modern world, an admiral for the Aceh Sultanate, so that’s pretty cool.

And with that, I hope you all enjoyed, and I’m especially hoping that the narratives of the Mongolian coalition went well, I fear they are of very varying quality. Anyways, as I said at the start of this part, I was trying to rush finishing my next mod, Frisia during the Frisian Freedom period, and well, it do be done. So you guys should check it out, and then vote for it in MkX4, that’d be really cool. :3 Have a good night all.

(Boraboraboraborabora!)

Episode 24: Burning Snow – S4

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