Civ Battle Royale October 08, 2024
Poblano
Another episode narrated by Poblano is unreadable, but the action is undeniable, and there are some fun surprises along the way.
My name is poblano, I’m writing the part
Thanks for joining us, but this is starting now
Come sit next to me, pour yourself some tea
Just like Coiot made when he couldn’t find sleep
Welcome to cbrx s4 episode 24. I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
[the narrator who called it a part has been sacked]
I want a girl who will make OC for no one else
When I’m writing the part, she puts pacific pals on the sub
When i’m writing the episode, she never leaves the house
I want a girl who will make OC for no one else
Thank you Orange for this hilarious pacific pals comic. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Probably skip this slide, idk.
[the narrator who replaced the narrator has been sacked]
The cylinder has turned and left me here
Just where I was before Bora-Bora appeared
And in Rio Grande’s place, an empty space
Has filled the void, behind Bento’s face
Thank you Sonicfan0511 for the map!!!!!! Your efforts are so appreciated. We love to see England’s slow takeover of the entire map.
What’s with these homies, donating their money?
Why do they gotta fund?
What did we ever do for these guys[and gals and non-binary pals]
That made them so generous?
Thank you supporters for your unbelievable aid in keeping this thing going! CBR will never die, thanks to you[note: your funding may not prevent the impending nuclear apocalypse, in which case CBR may die. Sorry about that, but you knew about that possibility when you decided to support CBR.]
Coiot: We welcome back Bartok to the screen as our latest donator, having supported continually throughout Season 2 and 3. ☺️
If you want to destroy Burgundy,
Hold this longbow as I draw the string(as I draw the string)
Watch them unravel, they’ll soon be ended
Dying in Dijon, dying in Dijon, they’ve come undone
The Hundred Years war is finally ending. It lasted what, 8 millenia longer than real life? Will this victory be enough to make England a contender, or is it too little, too late?
The sea is foaming like a bottle of beer,
The Bora-Bora wave is coming but Tiwanaku ain’t got no fear
And now the actual episode begins. Yeah those Tiwanaku antarctic cities may be fucked. There aren’t enough units here to take both, but with Bora-Bora in position Piquillacta should fall like Omo before it.
Dear daddy, I write you
In spite of years of silence
You’ve cleaned up, found Jesus
Things are good, or so I hearThis city, of Daji’’s
Awakens ancient feelings
Like episode 15, episode 27
The Shang are drowning in the flood
A Chinese Dynasty? Losing to Goguryeo? Are we sure this is the Shang and not the Sui? The Shang capital is in Goguryeo’s hands.
In Yelbuga, I feel safe
No one cares about Kazan
An irrelevant peace with Royal Hungary lets us see Kazan. Yikes.
Let’s go away for a while
You and I, to a Selkup grassland
Where they speak no word Oirat
But we conquer their land anyway
Yeah, the Selkups are boned. Dzungars have their unique lancers, which upgrade to cavalry and can push enemy units back. That makes it hard to maintain a defense, which in turn allows the Dzungars to set up this absurd number of cannons.
Nipaluna, we see what it meansSend out units, cuirassers
But when we peace, it’s all been erased
And so it seems, only in dreams
Noongar and Palawa peace out. Fuck.
I’m tired, so tired
I’m tired of autocrats (so tired)
Sami so thin
The Finns could win
A man can dream, right? The Finns have just been biding their time this whole game, and they’ll break out any second now. Any second now. Just like the Atlanta Braves offense.
I can’t believe
What Goguryeo’s done to Shang
What Daji did to her citizens
Goguryeo’s done to her
Zheng declares an irrelevant war on the Nivkh. Oh, and Daji recaptures her capital. I hear she’s going to celebrate by bathing in wine.
No there is no other wonder
No there is no other wonder
I can’t have any other wonder
Though I would, now I never could with order
Faroe continues its wondersluttiness by building the Kremlin. Boy this wonder sucks in vanilla civ 5. Prora and SoL are so much better.
Why bother? It’s gonna bore you
It’s gonna kill when you research it
This wonder I haven’t seen before
I won’t look it up anymore
I’m like, 90% sure this wonder probably just has some great work of art slots. Probably a great artist point too. Good job wahgi, i’m sure this was a great use of your capital’s very limited production.You know what, I checked anyway and I was basically right to not care. Free golden age and +50% GP generation in the city. That’s like. Mildly useful.
Why are you so far away from me?
I need help and you’re way across Csejte
I could never conquer you, I think it would be wrong
I’ve got your city, you’ve got my peace
Lmfao hungary what the fuck. Hungary peaces out with Bavaria and gives away a city not in any danger. I’m excited to see this when the borders update, fingers crossed its cut off from Bavaria entirely.
And I don’t wanna be a old woman anymore
It’s been a turn or two since I was out in the war
Taking booty, kidnapping kids in the night
It’s time I got back to the murdering life
Hey, but don’t worry Hungary fans. She has her UU. It’s not over.
I asked you to go a Greenland city
You said you’d never heard of Tyror (How cool is that?)
How cool is that? So I went to your land
And built a settler
Faroe is settling some of the last possible city spots on the cylinder. I’m sure this will help their happiness problems. If they didn’t have those issues, I’d say this kind of makes sense. Faroe’s UB, when built, gives cities two free sheep resources. That means there will be a tiny bit of food here, which is enough for a deity AI.
I’m dumb, Yuanjunmiao
I thought I had finally won
We were good, as peaced out in my mind
But peaced out in my mind’s no good
Oh, Yuanjunmiao in yellow
Let me know the truth, let me know the truth
Yeah, Daji takes back Zhaoje again. With Goguryeo cannons in range, it’s sure to fall again. But this flip fest is now threatening more than just Zhaoje. Yuanjunmiao is now deep in the yellow.
I’m shaking at your touch, your cannons are way too much
Dzungar, I think Astana’s falling to you
I’d do bout anything to keep Almaty alive
Or maybe I would rather settle peace with you
[Kickass guitar solo]
Astana falls to the Dzungar hordes, cutting off Almaty completely from reinforcement. Al’myak doesn’t look safe either. Cities starting with As or Al, beware the hordes. Cities starting with Ak, illusion of safety.
Yesterday I went outside
With my momma’s mason jar
Caught a big great war bomber
When I woke up today
Looked in on my narration
She had weezered all away
No more lyrics in your episode
I’m pretty sure this is the first plane seen in the episode. As you may have known, planes are like, really pretty good for war. Also, more relevant to the action at the moment, Bora Bora gives a suicidal try at taking the Palawa city of Wilcawain
Holy shit, Singapore is assaulting the Mexican city out of nowhere. Incredible scenes. There’s just one problem. Well, several, but the most important one is that Singapore’s melee naval units are few and far away. The other big problem is that even though this is very funny and embarrassing for Mexico, Mexico has plenty of units to retake the city. And, in a flip fest, Singapore will feel that lack of melee units even harder.
In a tragic shot of the Nikvh, we see the now settled post-war borders. It seems that heart and wanting it more were no match for Goguyeo’s cockblocking.
Agent Ishtar is moving to Mashbad. Boy, isn’t that exciting! *yawn* talk to me when there’s Ishtar rule 34. Otherwise I’m going to ignore the espionage!
Burgundy’s forces continue to dwindle, while the Visigoths fail to assault Asturica for the 596th time this season. What’s worth noting here is that England has skirmishers, the next level of ranged unit in the Enlightenment era mod. This has the potential to be a double-edged sword for Henry. If he upgrades his longbowmen, the skirmishers will have two range. This is a reduction from the longbowman’s increased range, meaning they will have to be in range of a city in order to deal damage. Still, they’re powerful enough to be more useful, and that extra range is still very powerful compared to other civs ranged units of this era.However, if he merely builds skirmishers, rather than upgrading them, they will have just 1 range. Even with the increased ranged strength, it is far more useful to have a longbowman with 3 range than a skirmisher with 1 range. I’d probably have delayed researching this tech if I was England, even if it will also upgrade their musketmen.
Bavaria supports green energy. Probably because they haven’t researched industrialization.
The Taino have an elective monarchy. I’m imagining this is a Malaysia-type situation, where the monarchy rotates between kings of various Caribbean islands. Hopefully Mexico doesn’t meddle in the elections.
If it isn’t clear, I don’t really know what to take away from government slides. Still, I’ll shout the Absolute Monarchy of Sierra Leone led by Progressives.
Florida’s real estate scheme of a civ is led by Oligarchs. Makes sense.
Zhaoge falls again, and Yuanjunmiao seems doomed as well; Goguryeo has an undamaged cannon set up on the hills outside the city, and a few melee units around. It’s hard to fight muskets with swords.
Here we see that Java has recovered fully in terms of city health from the Noongar assault. It’s a sad scene for Noongar fans; the civ seemed to be on the verge of a breakout comeback.
But it is still not good for Singapore, either, as these cities once had double their current population. Still, citizens on the island are comforted by the music of the Beach Boys.
In happier news for Singapore, Valladolid falls; this is very funny and embarrassing for Mexico, but Singapore has captured the city with their only naval melee unit in the area. With a Mexican musketman in range, the city will certainly flip back and cut the celebration short.
The isolated Thule city of Pituffik is repelling an Osage attack. It may seem like this city is an easy capture, but those two frigates in the great lakes are the most powerful ranged units in this screenshot. With 5 different ranged attacks defending the city and Osage units forced to embark to assault the city, this is a nearly impossible nut to crack. It can be done, if enough units are sacrificed to allow cannons to set up; will the AI be able to pull that off?
Vijay declares war on Singapore. Kalibangan is the most obvious target, but it’s also the city with the highest defense and the most defenders. That attack could easily fail. If Vijay instead focuses their efforts on Chantahaburi and Tanjong Pagar, they could secure a foothold against Singapore for future wars. There’s a path to success still for Vijay, even if it’s hard to see. They’re way behind in tech, but this is an era where if you have frigates and privateers, you’re going to have naval parity for a long time.
The Ndongo assault on eSwatini begins in earnest, with Big Bend taking damage and a cannon in range. It should be noted the difficulty which the terrain presents here for Ndongo; the discovery of Flintlock means all their main ranged units have just a single unit of range, forcing them to rely more heavily on siege units. The terrain here means that many tiles are unusable for siege units. Near Big Bend, the cannon in the south actually cannot damage the city due to the hill in front of it. With only lancers as melee units in position, it’s possible that the assault still fails, despite a huge tech advantage.
Ecuador continues its invasion of Tiwanaku, and boy does it look bad for Tiwanaku. With multiple cities in range of cannon fire and a plethora of melee units, it is likely only a matter of time before Pariti and Pucara fall. Unfortunately for Bora-Bora fans, it does not appear at the moment that there is a real chance of any Bora-Bora snipes. Still, they should be heartened by the clear tech advantage they have over every other civ in the screenshot, boasting cavalry, riflemen, and field guns.
Yuanjunmiao finally falls, and though it looks like it will flip back, it’s definitely going to finish in Goguryeo’s hands. It will be interesting to see if Goguryeo can push into Xiaotun and Anyang, but at this point they haven’t shown the initiative yet. They certainly have the tech and the units.
(Future Poblano note, the Mongols are at war with the Shang and threaten the northern cities!)
Valladolid goes back to Mexican control. There is no hope of Singapore recapture. Still, this demonstrates opportunity for Pueblo. Mexico’s Pacific navy is very weak. Neither civ has acquired frigates and privateers yet. If one civ acquires them first and declares war, the results could be disastrous for the other civ.
Speaking of maps that could be changed drastically if someone researched frigates: the Med. If Rome manages to get the tech, they could easily take every city on the sea and achieve Mare Nostrum. Their sheer dominance in terms of navy size is impressive. Certainly looking a bit thin on the land unit front, which may be a problem in the future.
A coalition forms against the Pueblo, with Gorguryeo and Ikko-Ikko joining forces against the civ. The Hawaiian cities have such low defense that you could easily see them both falling to either Ikko-Ikko or Goguryeo. With Pueblo still unable to cross the Ocean, it will be impossible for them to reinforce the cities.
A shot of Ikko-Ikko shows us they have a decent force to potentially contest control over Hawaii with.But this should not be heartening for Ikko-Ikko fans. This shot shows an *extremely* dire naval technology gap. Goguryeo has a carpet of naval units 2 eras ahead of Ikko-Ikko. Nagashima, Yamashima, and Ota could all fall easily in the case of a war, and Goguryeo could potentially go even further.
The cities of Emerita and Reccopolis take heavy damage from English and Faroese fleets. Though it is unlikely that either city permanently falls in this war, every loss is devastating for Visigoth production as the civ struggles to keep pace with its neighbors.
Even while the Pueblo face the total loss of their Hawaiian territories, they have their eyes on a far larger prize. They begin an attack on the Osage capital, and the terrain is extremely favorable for the attacker. Osage has very few units to contest with, so if Pueblo can get its cannons in range, the city will fall.
Also, shoutout to Mexico’s citadels in Kanawagas and Walatowa. They’ve made a pretty strong foothold into the Northern gulf coast.
Paul McCartney watches the war and shrugs his shoulders, saying “Live and Let Die.”
There’s the banger wonder. God I love Prora, its about 5000 times better than the Kremlin. The Wahgi started the episode with about 8 happiness, which would be perilously close to the negative if they started conquering. Prora, with its happiness per social policy, will have more than doubled their net happiness. Notre Dame who?
Worryingly for Ecuador fans, this front looks literally identical to the last time we saw it. Could they be choking?
This shot of Zheng and Siam shows both civs have laughably small inland militaries. No one is threatening them here, yet, but with Goguryeo only getting stronger, this could quickly become a problem.Siam doesn’t have to worry about Goguryeo, but the Khoshuts look very strong in the image, boasting a tech advantage over Siam and their UU.
The Khoshut UU, a lancer called the Yaso, has an extremely neat little bonus. Like all mounted units, it suffers a -33% city attack penalty. In CBR, with the very limited space to maneuver in most wars, this makes mounted units fairly weak. However, the Yaso inverts the city attack penalty of adjacent units at the start of its turn. That means that any knight or Yaso starting next to a Yaso actually has a +33% bonus to attacking cities.
The Dzungars have to deal with very tough terrain in order to take Al’myak, but they’re managing it. They have a cannon in range now and plenty of other units to distract the Selkups from attacking the cannon. That should allow them to succeed, but the AI will AI.
A coalition forms against the Kalmyks, but unfortunately none of the attackers can reach them and end their misery. Hilariously behind on tech, any of the Kalmyks neighbors could probably succeed in an attack. Yes, even the Mahknovists. Shoutout again to the Afsharid citadels. Banger.
A war between Taino and Sierra Leone ends, and apparently there was actually some fighting going on over it? Did anyone else know this war was happening? Cause I sure didn’t.
Amazingly, two of the four cities that the Khoshuts took off of Harappa have a larger population now than every other Khoshut city. I think this speaks to how amazing of a coup this was for the Khoshuts, who are suddenly, amazingly, somehow a relevant civ despite giving away Lhasa early on and losing Shigatse to Siam. Gotta love a Khomeback story.
I waited to mention that reformation belief because I had a tingly feeling that we might get a religion screen out of it. Bon is a decent religion, boosting some relevant stats(food, production, and science), but the Khoshuts are struggling to spread it at the moment. Their unique unit does cause cities to convert to their religion when captured, which may help turbocharge their religious spread if they can fight wars good.
Palawa, despite the fact that it has seemed like they would outscale Noongar for the past 27 episodes, has largely stagnated. Nevertheless, they declare that they are, in fact, the champions.
It seems that the Pueblo have finally figured out how to cross the ocean, which is great news for Pueblo fans hoping they hold onto the Hawaiian islands. However, given they only have two units in the screenshot capable of doing so, I would caution against celebrating.
“I’m not here, this isn’t happening” is what I would sing too if I had to perform a concert in Sørvágur.
Burgundy’s forces continue to dwindle in the face of the inevitable English victory. There are just 8 Burgundian military units in this image. For God, King, and Harry!
I love Henry V. I wrote an essay on Shakespeare’s play about him. https://pastebin.com/LrcrtPyY Yeah it’s nerdy as fuck to post that, but you’re watching civ AIs fight each other. Deal with it.
As I predicted, the terrain is really causing Ndongo to struggle here. Despite being badly out-teched, eSwatini has pretty solid city defense stats and those frigates are really wreaking havoc on any Ndongo unit that sets up on coast-adjacent tiles.
Wahgi is really starting to run away with tech. I was going to write something about questioning whether they could actualize that tech advantage into success given their lack of production as an island civ, but I abandoned that after actually checking the stats.Somehow, the Wahgi are managing to top the board in production and production per city. Everyone better wahgi watch out.
I didn’t recognize how determined and gritty the Mongols were. That’s my bad. I wasn’t familiar with their game.
Xiaotun falls to the Mongols, and Old Sarai, once a Mongol city, is likely to be recovered as well. Sorghaghtani should watch out, though. Xiaotun could easily flip back, and Goguryeo has more melee units nearby to snipe it.
It appears I underestimated Vijay’s powers in the south, as Kalibang-many numbers will likely fall, despite a newly apparent Singapore tech advantage. That tech advantage is going to make it nearly impossible to press the assault further east after the city’s fall, however.
Yeah, abandon all hope of a continued Pueblo presence in Hawaii. The best we can hope for is a funny Ikko-Ikko snipe.
Though the actual city damage continues to be limited at this moment, don’t be mistaken: this is a disastrous situation for the Selkups. Barring a sudden peace treaty, Almaty and Al’Myak will fall, and the Dzungars might not stop there with the Selkups looking preposterously thin. There are simply too many cannons and not enough units to destroy them.
Remember how Vijay made me eat my words previously? Well, they’re doing it again. Kalibang falls, and Chanthaburi *immediately* falls deep into the yellow within a single turn of attack. The city will fall if they can get a melee unit in. Surely they won’t be able to go farther than that, though…
Why does Sierra Leone have a big fleet in the South Atlantic? No clue. They could probably take out Tehuelche though. That’d be funny.
The Zheng carpet looks just as sad as when we last saw it, but at least they now have Ian Fleming, author of the James Bond novels. NGL, I’m only 40% certain I have that right, and I’m not going to look it up.
Now we’re finally starting to see some real progress for Ecuador. Puc-41-13-17 is deep in the red, and should fall. However, the offensive in the west appears to be faltering slightly. Perhaps once they take the city, they’ll refocus their efforts.
Dijon falls to the yellow. The Hundred Year’s War is nearly at its end, with Henry V as the rightful victor. Asturica takes some damage, but the Visigoths won’t capture the city with mounted units.
Pontus and Mahkno declare war on Rump-al Hungary, but neither can actually threaten Csejte. Unfortunately, Gaziura is actually connected to the rest of Bavaria.
There’s not much to remark on this image besides that Yellowknives went autocracy, the best ideology for war, so here is where I’ll say that the yellowknives are a pretty cool civ.The yellowknives are a pretty cool civ.
Hey, look kids, there’s Big Ben, and there’s Parliament
This wonder is pretty good in SP, and when combined with other abilities that reduce purchase cost it can allow for some pretty cheeky plays, like extremely cheap spaceship parts. Unfortunately, the AI will not take advantage of this wonder and so we can only say it looks pretty cool.
And now for our regularly scheduled look-in at the collapse of Pueblo Hawaii. Boy, that sucks. Ikko-Ikko has actually brought some naval melee units around, so maybe we will get that snipe.
New Holland declares war on… Osage? I’m gonna be real with you, this is going nowhere. And New Holland’s territory looks dangerously empty. On the bright side for New Holland, it looks like Ecuador is still failing to take cities off Tiwanaku.
Sierra Leone has adopted autocracy, the standard ideology of progressive absolute monarchies. Unfortunately, it will not help them take Meknes. And boy do they need help, given they’re currently trying to attack with mounted units.
Kanem-Bornu is trying to eliminate the Mamluks, but they will unfortunately fail. The terrain is too unfavorable and they do not have a significant enough tech advantage. Maybe if they slammed musketmen into it, but they don’t appear inclined to take that strategy at the moment.
Well, if Vijay is going to keep proving me wrong, at least the Dzungars are helping to boost my average. Almaty falls, and though it may flip, it’s certain to stay a part of the Dzungar khanate. Al’myak immediately drops to half health under the combined assault of two cannons. The Selkups are starting to reinforce the south, but it’s far, far too late.
Kalibangan is now safely in Vijayanagara (see, I can type it out) control, and Chantahaburi falls to the red with a new Vijayanagara privateer lurking to the west.
The Thule fleet is really quite impressive, and though they’re falling behind a bit, no one can really threaten them on land. Their navy provides them with a lot of opportunities for surprise expansion. A Mexican invasion, perhaps?
Luckily for Mongol fans, it appears that Sorghaghtani Beki has managed to hold onto Xiaotun in spite of the possibility of a Shang flip. Old Sarai still somehow evades her grasp, though, and Goguryeo has not managed to damage Anyang. As always, we must mention the hilly terrain.
Zia is at zero health, thanks to a Pueblo cannon on the island. Unfortunately, there are no melee units available to flip the city. C’est la vie ! The effort is doomed.Palawan observers, led by Henry Hudson, watch the war, hoping to glean some insights on modern naval strategy.
Chanthaburi officially falls, and while one can easily envision a Singapore invasion to retake the city, it has not yet materialized. The city is a nice prize for Vijayanagara, though not a particularly large or productive city. It at the very least blocks any potential Siamese naval expansion and could serve as a staging ground for future wars. Unfortunately, it’s probably too little, too late for their hopes.
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!” he said.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.On the doorstep of capturing Pucará, Ecuador abandons the assault for an ill-fated cavalry charge at Pariti. There will be no survivors. What the fuck is Moreno doing?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:LightBrigade-Tennyson.ogg
(1890 Wax cylinder recording)
The Faroe stronghold in North America remains surprisingly high in population and totally unthreatened by its neighbors. However, it’s not totally clear to me how they can turn this into a win. They have a great navy here, though out of date, but there are not really any major cities to capture with ships. The land carpet is scarce, and there is not a single Faroese siege unit to be seen. I can understand why they’ve been dropping in the rankings.
Dijon drops to zero health. It will be over next turn, but will we see it before the episode ends? One can only hope.
The Osage attack on Thule continues to fail. This is truly impossible terrain to attack in, and worse yet every loss on this front is a unit not defending against the Pueblo.
I’m gonna be honest, the odds are more likely at this point that Bora-Bora captures a Tiwanaku city than Ecuador. Sure, Pokotia and Alegrete are less damaged, but Bora-Bora actually has field guns and riflemen.
Well, I said it would be over, and yet another turn has come without Dijon falling. Whoops. Henry’s attack on Emerita has also faltered, and Asturica drops to yellow. Still, I refuse to believe the city is in any actual danger, even if the Visigoths have a cannon now.
All of Hawaii is now solidly in Goguryeo’s hands. Does this have any serious impact on the game? Maybe. Most plausibly, it could cause Ikko-Ikko to split up its navy in a future war, allowing the numerically and technologically superior Goguryeo navy to sweep them. The cities also could be useful for launching future invasions of North America, just as it could have been useful for invading Asia if Pueblo had held onto them. Alas!
Old Sarai is as good as New Sarai again, as Sorghaghtani has liberated the city from Daji’s tyrannical rule. As Goguryeo halfheartedly attacks the Shang capital(cuirassiers aren’t going to be able to take a city CC: Ecuador), most of Shang’s cities are, in classic fashion, undergoing resistance after Daji murdered another citizen. I’m sure the Mongols and Goguryeo greatly appreciate the free luxuries.
The Selkups have, 80 slides into the episode proper, finally committed to defending Almaty, Astana, and Al’myak. Unfortunately, they decided to do so after having already lost all three cities. After decades of failing to conquer anything, the Dzungar Khanate is finally ascendant. Fear the horde.
Palawa, adopting the historical bent of many countries who have not gotten what they wanted out of war, have embraced autocracy. To be honest, I’d probably have gone with order here; the production benefits would have really helped, as they’re lagging behind the top powers in that stat.
In our final slide, the Pueblo have made peace with Goguryeo. On the bright side, they didn’t give away any stupid cities in the peace deal. On the dark side, it seems their osage offensive(™) has completely stalemated.
That’s it for this episode. Thank you for suffering through my narration, I had moderate amounts of fun writing it. Please, tip your waiters, eat healthy, destroy Carthage, participate in the discord collective alt history, listen to Live Through This - Hole, do your homework, don’t join the French foreign legion, and take your estrogen/testosterone(as needed).