Episode 28: When I say war, you say more! More! War! More! War!

1: I’m back.

Hello folks. I am, once again, PlatonOfGlaucon4. I will be your guide through the occurrences on the cylinder this week. It seems like an especially bloody one, so make sure you’ve brought an umbrella, as the first 3 rows will get wet!

2: CBRX 4 Episode 27 Map u/Sonicfan0511

Our first OC is, as ever, our fantastic community map. I echo my sentiments from my last narration: that I’d like this map even more if it didn’t insist on depicting Makhnovia’s borders so realistically; but overall it is a laudable effort, and a great help to us all in understanding the geo-politics of the game.

3: Updated Leovigild civball u/Sonicfan0511

To make a change this week I’m highlighting the updated Leovigild civball. I’m assuming the fungus on his head is some kind of parasitic organism native to Asturica that is compelling him to send wave after wave of his own men to die whilst utterly failing to recapture the city and its mind control mushrooms.

4: Ko-Fi Kings town. (I promise there are no more wrestling jokes in this episode)

The Ko-Fi slide has recruited the great musician Bob Geldof, best known for being a Boomtown Rat, and a key part of the Band Aid concerts to bring you this message:“For God’s sake, just give us you f’ing money!”

5: Dang, Shang

In this slide we take a look at last episode's biggest losers, Shang. After waking up and looking like they might do something against Mongolia they immediately remortgaged all their cities and collapsed under a wave of Gogurt. You had me going for a second there Daji.

6: Pontus in the right direction.

We open on a bleak shot of the remaining Mamluk territory. Idris Alawma has ordered the Kanem-Bornu generals to construct fortifications outside the walls of the city to support the siege. This aggressive citadelling has forced most of the remaining defenders into the Red Sea where their bloody corpses threaten to stain the water the colour of it’s name.

To make matters worse Idris makes peace with Pontus, meaning a capture of Damietta would be much more likely to stick. Furthermore the Dzungars make peace with the Selkups in order to join a coalition against Shajar Al-Durr, along with the Visigoths, and Alouites. Pontus, at a loss for anything better to do, declares war on the Osage.

7: Central Asian Status Quo

The next logical stopping point on this world tour of war is central Asia to inspect the aftermath of the Selkups vs Dzungars.Al’Myak and Astan are returned to Vonya, along with the Dzungar city of Manas, but the former Khazakstani city of Almaty stays with Galdan Khan. This opens up a small corridor from which further attacks can be staged against Bukhara or, if Galdan feels brave, Kazan.

08: The Movement to end Mamluk

The big news here is that the “Movement to end Mamluk” grows, adding the armies of the Asfharids, Bukhara, Makhnovia, the Selkups, and most worryingly for Shajar Al-Durr, Pontus, to their number.Saba-D'mt also DoW the Kalmyks, but with no direct line of attack this is unlikely to come to much.The S.E.A. and Oceanic nations are also interested in the potential of Africa and send exploratory expeditions to test the waters. Noongar are best represented and have dealt damage to the Mogadishawi city of Aw Dhigle, but their ships are scattered far and wide in this slide, and seem to lack an overall command.Zhenh also make a half-hearted attempt to capture the city, mainly for laughs. Their sailors take pot shots at the settlement crying out “Aw!” for misses, and “Dhigle!” for hits.

Unfortunately, Koxinga doesn't seem to have moved past his strategy of only sending frigates to attack islands. The one melee vessel within striking range is currently surrounded by a hostile Palwa flotilla, and as such unless the Zheng troops to the north-west are able to skirt the Palwa ships and engage, it looks like the city will stay with Abu Bakar ibn Umar, for now.

09: Operation Osage

The war decelerations keep rolling, this time in North America, where a multilateral conflict has broken out. The aggressors, led by the Yellowknives, are the Ume-sámi, the Finns, Faroes, Whagi, and Latvia. This bloc begins a joint operation against the Osage, while the Yellowknives throw caution to the wind and declare a simultaneous war against a weakened Pueblo as they launch a serious bid for North American hegemony.

10: Bora-Bora War-a War-a

Unlike its Northern counterpart South America already has plenty of juicy wars in progress. Notably the continued Bora-Bora conquest of the continent, supported this time by Ecuador, both of whom are making progress against Tiwanaku. Bora-Bora have set up rough siege positions outside the cities of Algrete in the south-east, Atacama in the south-west, and Pokotia, betwixt the two. They have not dealt any significant damage yet but the defenders are few, so it may only be a matter of time.In the north Ecuador slams walls of outdated melee units into the walls of Pariti and Pucará. The approach is difficult, slowing reinforcements so it remains to be seen how effective this will be in the long run.Of small note: Vijayanagara join the “Movement to end Mamluk”.

11: How to fight Shang good.

A solitary Ikko Ikko cannoneer watches on, and sheds a single tear as the Goguryeo mounted divisions fall upon Anyang. He had watched thousands of his compatriots die in the outskirts of this city in previous campaigns, all for nought. Ikko Ikki blood, and burned bone fertilised the soil of this

Shang city for centuries, but now those bountiful fields look sure to be inherited by Gwanggateo not Kennyo.

12: Welcome to intermission

Welcome to your cartographical intermission. Don’t spend too long studying this map, as it will be ripped up and redrawn by the end of the episode.

13: In the name of God they left you to die

Our three strongest religions are currently Kachina in North America, Vajrayana in central, and south Asia, and Jodo Shinshu in north-east Asia. These were founded by Pueblo, Kalmyks, and Ikko Ikki respectively. I guess that just goes to show, no god can save you from the horror of eternal war.

14: Mustard City Rockers

The English strike the decisive blow in the ̶H̶u̶n̶d̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶Y̶e̶a̶r̶s̶ ̶W̶a̶r̶ mustard wars, capturing Dijon to prove that Coleman’s English mustard is, in fact, the preeminent condiment of Europe. Soldiers flood the streets of the former Burgundian capital, trashing pubs and bars, and chanting “‘Ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go!”A lancer unit, known as the First Barry’s regiment block the last remaining Burgundian troops from recapturing the city. As the opposing longswordsmen struggle to scramble up the hills to the south they can hear the Barry’s war song drifting through the valleys: “You only sing when you’re winnin’, you only sing when you’re wiiiiinn-in’!”Ludwig of Bavaria, noting the new neighbours next door joins the anti-Malmuk coalition in a bid to secure a holiday home, far from these foreign hooligans.

15: Can I get a sidebar, please.

An Islamic contingent, consisting of eSwatini, Saba-D'mt, the Mogadishu, and the Mamluks join “Operation Osage”.This prompts Ndongo to declare war on Mamluks, presumably as their coalition invite got lost in the post. Finishing off the sidebar round up, Mongolia makes peace with the Mamluks and Kalmyk makes peace with Sierra Leone.Unrelated to all of this is the main focus of this shot, the Vijayanagaram great musician Elis Regina. Born in our Brazil she blended various common styles of Brazilian music into a pop synthesis. She also spoke out against military rule in the country whilst touring in Europe. Perhaps on the cylinder she could tour neutral Singapore and vent her frustrations there.

16: Rock the ̶k̶a̶s̶b̶a̶h̶ kasbar.

After ending hostilities with the Kalmyks Thomas Peters of Sierra Leone begins to contemplate the futility of war in general. In his experience war is tough. costly, slow, and in some cases downright embarrassing. He decides to make peace with the Alaouites, leaving them in control of their capital Mekenes, and nothing else.Ismail ibn Sharif rubs his hands together, as he thinks about the Kasbars he will build in his remaining desert. The meta is about to change. s/In all seriousness this is a bad sign for Sierra Leone. They have been at war for many parts, and sent countless units to an early grave, for the most meager of rewards. This peace will save them an elimination penalty, and allow them time to rebuild an army before there are reprisals but make no mistake, the world has seen their weakness and has taken note.

17: The death of a salesman: post script

A burly man, and his young companion are ushered into the audience chamber of Huyustus.“What brings you humble strangers to this place of exquisite grandeur?” Demands the immortal.“Wul Big Yin, auv goh a banger of a deal fer ye sel’.” Begins the big man in a thick Scottish brogue. “Diya ken af a place called Poyais?”....Gregor MacGregor makes a peace deal with Tiwanaku from beyond the grave. He promises rich lands to Huyustus in return. Huyustus grants his fellow immortal safe passage south, as the quest for the submarine continues.Also, Kanem-Bornu rage quit the “Movement to end Mamluk.”They claim it has got too popular now, and sold out its original principles. Secretly Idris Alawma fears the reprisals of successfully taking the final city and decides to let one of his allies reap the “benefits” of the reasonably successful Kanem push.

18: “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”“...”“Fine, peace.”

His enemy now devoid of tactical mustard reserves Henry agrees makes peace with Charles. Leovigild also makes peaces out on his war with Burgundy as his forces finally have Austurica surrounded and down to the red, and re-capturing it will take his full concentration.

19: The attempted resurrection of a salesman.

Pawhuska of the Osage is still determined to get his hands on the formerly Floridian beachfront condos, at all costs. His overstretched army ignores the threats to the west and pushes into St Augustine, bringing the city to half health. As per his agreement with the departed scam artist he will liberate the city if successful, but crucially control of the property portfolio will pass to the Osage.To the north of St Augustine a musician called Jerry forms a band known as the Grateful Dead, it is rumored that the name is an allusion to the millions who have died fighting over the city, and the thousands more who will meet the same fate in conflicts to come.

20: I’m not Ohkay (I promise)

Pueblo decide that with Yellowknives already at the gates of Ohaky Owingeh taking uncoordinated pot shots at the under defended Osage capital has lost its luster, and make peace. This allows Pawshuka to snag St Austine, but contrary to his deal with the devil he hangs on to the city, and its beachfront properties. He figures that Gregor MacGregor can’t hurt him now, but a reckoning will await when he eventually arrives on the great sub in the south.

21: Is a cartoonist anything like a cartographer?

A great writer appears in Osage. He is Hugo Pratt, an Italian cartoonist whose interest in war stories has brought him to this city of great upheaval, he feels Gregor MacGregor, a charismatic but flawed man would make for the perfect protagonist for his latest series.In the north-west we can see Pituffik has healed up a little and replenished its navy, the Pawhuska are unlikely to add this one to their burgeoning portfolio.

22: Carpet, or bare tiles?

The Dzungars make peace with Nivkh, and we get a shot of their expanded core. The western half has a fairly healthy carpet, including some of Galdan Kahn’s UU the Ulan Zalata, a lancer replacement that gains extra movement from starting on hills. The newly conquered lands at the north of the Indian subcontinent less so, and these borders are beset with enemies that can easily rival Galdan’s power.

23: A steppe learning curve

We return to Selkup lands where their carpet is no denser than their Dzungar rival’s, however it is about half an era more advanced. This could be the clincher if round 2 comes soon. We seem to have seen fewer early carpets this season, however as Vonya is the latest leader to pick Autocracy as an ideology we may see this start to change as the cylinder advances into the industrial era and beyond.Thule declare war on Bukhara, but it’s largely symbolic.

24: Anyone else hungry? Cause that looks like a snack to me.

To completely contradict my previous entry we are treated to a shot of the finest carpet on the map, that of Royal Hungary. Somehow Bathory has managed to fill all but one tile of her empire with a defender. Granted that’s only 16 units, but at least she’s trying.

You know what to do Nestor.Bavaria recruits Hibari Misora, a pioneering Japanese jazz singer, and actress. F’n weebs.

25: A poke in the Ojjo

The ongoing conflict in Tiwanaku highlights two very distinct strategies for conquest. In the south Bora-Bora have deployed a mixed army of siege weapons, protected by infantry which has successfully brought Algrete to the black. In the north Ecuador simultaneously slams legions of poorly equipped horse and soldiers into the cities of Ojjo, Pariti, and Pucará to limited effect.

26: Surprise surprise, the Goths are depressed

In Iberia, and its surroundings things are not looking great for the Visigoths. Reccopolis is hovering around capture range, and there are smatterings of English of Faroese ships which could achieve this feat pretty easily.Granted the English flotilla seems more interested in Emerita, which, barring divine intervention, will probably fall next turn. Leovigild is still making motions towards Asturica but it seems that the distance his troops are from the city is inversely proportional to how damaged the city is.

27

Mongolia maintains a modest presence in Shang lands, but Goguryeo intends to go-go all the way south. They secure Anyang, much to the chagrin of the Ikko Ikki cannon, still providing a captive audience for how to conquer Anyang good. Yingxu also falls, ceding even more luxury resources to Gwangatteo which will allow him to continue his conquests without the fear of a domestic rebellion. In stark contrast half of the remaining Shang cities are in resistance, and functionally unable to slow the autocrat’s advance.

28: The Revolution on the Cylinder: Part 14

In the converted barn outside Huliapole that has served as the headquarters of the Makhnovist movement since the recorded history of the cylinder began Nestor Makhno is reading a stack of papers by candlelight:“ Ensor sums up and concentrates certain principles which are considered to be anarchistic. In short, Ensor is a dangerous person who has great changes. ... He is consequently marked for blows. It is at him that all the harquebuses are aimed. It is on his head that are dumped the most aromatic containers of the so-called serious critics. “He is reading a review by a critic called Octave Maus, and the words resonate.“Bring him in.” He calls over his shoulder to Alexi. The boy dutifully exits the barn and returns a few minutes later with the artist.“Greetings comrade Ensor. I have heard much of your prowess, I wish to offer you a commission.” Makhno gestures to the seat opposite him, at the candlelit table. James sits, and takes the offered drink, toasting Makhno.“This is a great honour Bat’ko Makhno. What do you require of me?” Inquires the artist.“Your first task will be to create a portrait of the nefarious and malodorous monk known as Grigory Rasputin. He has absconded with the bulk of my forces, leading them on some theocratic quest to what he calls Russia. I need a wanted poster that can be distributed far and wide using the advancements we have made in mobilised print.”

29: Seaside postcard from Leicester

Louis Daguerre, born in occupied France, brings his talents to the English. He has created a new form of camera capable of creating a quick exposure. This cutting edge technology is employed by English merchants to create funny scenes, to which inscriptions are added, to be sold in gift shops across the empire. The idea is that they will be used to convey messages between friends and family distributed by the newly formed English postal service.Best Selling ‘postcards’ include: a portrait of a Burgundian woman encaptioned “Wish you were her”; a picture of a family on a beach reading “Greetings from Autun”; and a Bristolian cityscape titled “At least it’s not Lincoln”On the continent several English generals approach the border of Burgundy and the Bavarian empire. They are looking to assess the enemy fortifications to the west and, if necessary, respond in kind.Thomas Peters makes peace with Abu Bakar ibn Umar. They don’t call him ‘The Diplomat’ for nothing.

30: War and Peace

It’s a bad turn to be Bukhara. The Finns, Ume-sámi, Faroes, Kazan, and Latvia all declare war against them. Granted, only Kazan can actually reach them, unless they allow their allies open borders, but Kazan are more than powerful enough to do significant damage to Bukhara without much back up. The Bukharan exclave, not pictured, shares a significant border, and lacks any means of resupply. This could be an easy win for Möxämmädämin.Palwa decide to get involved in the “Movement to end Mamluk” probably because there is no conceivable way that this war could backfire on them and that would make a nice change. Pontus declares war on the Ume-sámi, and upon seeing the great army mobilise once more the Makhnovist troops immediately take up arms and head to Ekaterinoslav. When they reach the outskirts of the city they are surprised that the Pontic army does not immediately open fire on them, instead one of the soldiers shouts across:“Have you come to help with the war effort against the Ume-sámi?” Embarrassed the Makhnovian troops shuffle their feet and mumble amongst themselves until one calls back:“Yeah, that’s right, war with the sámi”.Pontus and Makhno reunited, and it feels so good.Singapore makes peace with Mexico, to try to create a little balance.

31: The great plains

Despite also having the Osage to contend with, the Yellowknives continue to bring down the defenses of Ohkay Owingeh. To the South Po’pay has a slightly stronger force than the Yellowknives have committed to the embattled city, but they are scattered away from the main road connecting Pueblo territory and will take a couple more turns to arrive on the front line. In the west the situation is even worse for the defenders, as Yellowknives cavalry charge from their core into Tet Suge Owingeh, and towards the capital, Taos.

32: Uh-oh Ikko Ikki

Unsurprisingly Zheng picks Autocracy. They have shown a propensity towards conquest, and are doubtless under some degree of cultural influence from their early adopter neighbour Goguryeo. This is more bad news for Ikko Ikki, as one of the few Order adopters they now have a powerful opposing bloc that threatens to engulf their borders.

33: Planes rise higher than gods

In the Singapore city of Thai Nguyen a young girl has been elevated to the rank of general after reports that she has spoken to God, and seen a vision of a great military victory. Wahgi planes, stationed in Lamitan, fly over the city to observe the great celebratory parade. From their seats in the sky the pilots see no gods, and flying unopposed they laugh at the idea that this victory could come at their expense.

34: Bora-Bora is a death machine

We return to central South America to learn that Puni, of Bora-Bora, was indeed the more cunning tactician of the coalition partners. His troops have seized Algrete, and whilst it looks likely to flip at least once more there now seems a good chance that this city will end up part of the Bora-Boran empire. The mountainous city of Atacama is now also taking damage, as more reinforcements arrive from the Bora-Bora corea-corea. In the North Gabriel Moreno stands behind hordes of conscripts urging them forward as they give their lives for minimal damage to the city of Pucará.

35: Lads on tour, Iberia ‘24

In Iberia Emerita is now English. It looks likely we’ll see a few flips and it’s hard to call an eventual winner at this stage. Reccopolis is deep in the red, and there are still a few strong Faroese units capable of dealing a death blow in the area.Asturica continues to elude Leovigild.

36: I’m livid

Mexico joins the autocracy club, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that.The real news here is that St Augustine appears to be back in Taino hands. Flipped, with no fanfare.

37: They call him the diplomat, you know?

Modaishu makes peace with Singapore and Noongar, and not a moment too soon as there is evidence of recent naval skirmishes on this slide. The Noongar navy is more numerous, but Singapore’s sole representative is a truly terrifying cruiser. This Enlightenment Era bonus boat has 45 ranged combat, and bridges the gap between frigates and battleships.

This looks like a good result for Abu Bakar ibn Umar, he can’t afford to be throwing ships away in ocean battles when there are many powerful rivals on his own shores. Have I mentioned that they call him the diplomat?

38: Big Bend, big problem

The eSwatini city of Big Bend may be the next for Ndongo’s butcher's bill. The city is down to the yellow, but the ships harrying its shores are being contained by eSwatini privateers, and the besieging land army are fighting the terrain as much as the defenders. Make no mistake, this city could fall, but it will take a little more commitment from Ana Nzinga to tip the scales.

39: It’s like a turtle on a pole

The current state of the Shang empire is captured in microcosm by this shot of foxes frolicking on top of a mountain. They are elevated above their station, no one knows how they got there, they don’t have a clue what they are doing, and around them everything is on fire. Eagle eyed readers/ viewers may have noticed that the real scoop here can only be seen via the mini-map…

40: Prime the ‘f’ keys

Yup, Pontus is closing in on a kill. The final Mamluk city of Damietta has flipped, and now flipped back. Pontus has a huge navy, and a smattering of land units, in the Red Sea that mean short of an immediate peace treaty we are about to witness our next elimination.

41: West coast invasion

Back in North America the Yellowknives are forging a warpath deep into Pueblo territory. The core city of Tet Suge Owingeh has been surrounded, captured, and put to the torch.There are only a couple of mounted units between the aggressors and Po’pay’s capital, will they be able to hold back the advancing horde?The naval battle off Oregon state isn't going great for the brown town civ. The Yellowknives' more advanced ships are cutting through the Pueblo’s galleases and embarked units, despite being fewer in number.To the north-east Ohkay Owingeh looks like it may fall soon too. Pueblo has the better army here, for now, but damage has been done, and with so many mounted units in this shot a snipe looks more than likely.

42: I really enjoy Bora-Bora

Algrete has been reclaimed by a valiant Tiwanaku unit, who will most likely die for the honour next turn. Factoring in zones of control and the landscape retaking this city again would be a big ask for Huyustus, but not for Puni whose reinforcements are making quick progress across the open terrain south of no man’s land.Atacama has taken a token amount of damage, but a high defense score and rocky terrain may make this city a tougher nut to crack.In the north Ecuador continues to throw flesh into the grinder. Gabriel Moreno has at least succeeded in drawing the bulk of the defending forces north, allowing his ally to continue to make progress on their own front. I’m sure he’s chuffed with this result.

43: The Barbs are Back in Town

Ooo Faroes focus time. Last time I was here I pointed out that the Faroes looked a little precarious in the number one spot. The next Power Rankings dropped them down, and they have not yet made it back to the pinnacle since. Last episode they adopted Order, a wise move in that it temporarily sorted out their happiness issues. Unfortunately for Trøndur í Gøtu Iceland is once again full of barbarians. For any British readers an Iceland full of barbarians this close to Christmas can only mean one thing, the three bird roasts have finally hit the freezers. On the cylinder it would seem to be a sign that Trøndur has already pissed away all the good will this ideology brought to his citizens.Whilst the Faroes remain a superpower I wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of a coalition war declaration from the autocratic powers, especially if my troops weren’t fighting at full strength. To try and combat this wave of dissent Trøndur recruits Louis Lumière. This early cinematographer created what were probably the first moving films. His current assignment is to go to Greenland and make movies of the tranquil, and simple lives of the people there in order to quash the rumors of misrule circulating the empire.

44: Hello Dolly

As I already talked about the island infestation on the last slide I will examine instead the rare sighting of an aqua sheep. In the cylinder these are generated by the Faroes UB the Seyðamaður. This creates 2 sheep resources near to the city as well as adding yields to ‘edible’ resources. This city being an island, the game has placed the sheep in the sea.Fans of the worms franchise will know that aqua sheep are especially powerful during the late game, as unlike their flying counterparts, the super sheep, they are able to navigate through water allowing them to reach otherwise inaccessible parts of the map.

45: “C’mon then”

Putting their aqua sheep to good use, the Faroes are able to conquer the island city of Reccopolis. [Presumably] Due to unhappiness they burn it. This isn’t how you win the game Trøndur, you need to keep your conquests to use as forward bases and resupply points for further attacks.The Visigoths may be able to contend this city, and flip it back like they have with Emerita, but as with the mainland, so with the island, the melee units are few and far between. If the attackers keep the pressure up Leovigild’s fortress may be about to fall down around him.

46: You’re scared Karlis, and you have every right to be.

The Latvian land grabber in chief, Karlis Ulmanis, issues orders to his generals:“We must make a path through the anarchist lands that will give us access to the Mediterranean.”The generals erect fortifications that bring them to the border of the Pontic state. They call this valley the Black Corridor, it is intended to serve as a staging point for a breakout of Europe.Karlis smiles to himself when news of the project's completion reaches him. Good, he thinks. Now we don’t have to risk any more humiliating wars with that madman Makhno.

47: All that’s left of Egypt is archaeology

Pontus seizes control of Damietta for, what must be, the last time. The only remaining defender is a heavily outnumbered and outgunned composite bowman who couldn’t recapture the city for a turn if he wanted to. This is a mixed blessing for Pontus. It opens the door to meaningful wars with the underperforming Saba-D'mt, or the underdeveloped Kanem Bornu, and it gives new angles of attack against Rome and the Qarmatians. The other side of the coin is that they will have incurred a heavy warmongering penalty, twice, souring relations with any nation that was not part of the “Movement to End Mamluk.” Latvia opening the Black Corridor in the previous slide also gives them a powerful new neighbour to worry about. As Shajur Al-Durr makes her way to the great Sub in the South she reflects that she could have had a worse run of it. Sure she messed up royally by refusing to settle for far too long, then going on a spree that drew the ire of more powerful neighbours. Despite this her civilisation held on longer than some who were esteemed far above her, first through a stronger than expected defense in a coalition war, which eventually reduced her to a rump, and then in quiet irrelevance in a mountain stronghold until the day an enemy discovered weapons so powerful they could not be withstood. Still, she saw many great things in her time, and in the end her defeat was fairly swift and hardly cruel.

48: “If I don’t survive tell my wife, hello.” - His neutralness, Lee Kuan Yew (probably)

Now, to better illustrate my earlier point about the Faroes being on thin ice [ha-ha] we see the map of world ideologies. The Faroes' only ideological ally is the Ikko Ikki, and they are too far away, and far too weak to be a serious partner in any coalition.Singapore remains unmoved on matters of politics .

49: Epithet Records

Now we get to see the silly names our immortals have given themselves. My general disdain for authority and self-aggrandisement make these a particularly funny read for me. As far as I know they are here mainly for flavour and don’t offer any inherent effects, as such they are just window dressing in a world that has been consumed by authoritarianism. In the background Noongar and Zheng make peace with Nivkh.

50: I really hate this guy

Agüeybaná II can’t help but rub it in, declaring himself Demarch of Florida. A quick search tells me that this is a Greek title, historically meaning chief, and now roughly equivalent to mayor.

51: From first to last

King Muhammed of Bukhara announces that he is “first citizen” of his state. If Kazan has anything to say about he’ll be the last too.

52: Pony club

The fact that Johan Maurits sees his empire as a despotic horde may explain the outdated tactics employed in his most recent war. And also why he was so keen to recruit that artist who made horse movies in my last episode.

53: He can’t go 5 minutes without thinking about the Romans.

Studying history I’ve come across some pretty spurious claims to the inheritance of the Roman Empire, but I can safely say without opening a single book Praetor Umu, you’re having a laugh, mate.

54: Taking the low road

On the sub they practice a form of direct democracy, where all are allowed a say on what music is played, and where they order their takeaway from. There are no official factions, but since Gregor MacGregor showed up a lot of people have started to vote in blocs. This is solely to avoid having haggis for dinner, whilst listening to The Best of the Bagpipes vol. 17 on repeat.

55: No one can stop the Gogurt wave

Banpo falls to the vicious and viscous Gogurt wave. It looks like Machanga and Erlitou are next on the hit list, and why not? There’s gold in them hills, and marble, and perfume, and citrus…

Ecuador, frustrated at their lack of progress against Tiwankau, declare war with the Alouites, I’m sure this will restore their tarnished reputation.

56: It would really help a bit I’m going to do later if you all subconsciously note that Pavlodar sounds a bit like Pavlov.

Turns out Ecuador aren’t alone in their war against the Alouites, joined by Latvia this coalition is going nowhere fast.A more fruitful campaign is being waged by Kazan against the Bukharan exclave Pavlodar. The city is taking gradual damage, and without means of reinforcement the attacking army is powerful enough to get the job done.

Crossing through the mountain pass to the south of the city Kazan troops notice posters offering a large reward for the delivery of a smelly monk known as Grigory, and/or any missing Makhnovian troops back to Huliapole. They are stuck to the walls of dwellings, barns, mountains, and over road signs. The soldiers spit at them as they pass, awarding points when they hit the dark and commanding eyes of Rasputin.

57: Fight me, Karlis.

Latvia recruits the great engineer Raymond Loewy. This French born expert in the design of logos, packaging, and vehicle interiors has been drafted by Karlis Umanis to design a new logo for the Autocratic Empire of Latvia. He hopes a snazzy rebrand will draw attention away from the fact that he hasn’t done all that much in a while.

58: “Stupid Big Bend”. rubs knee

Big Bend is down to the black. A pair of privateers are being blocked by the eSwatini navy. The city is so heavily surrounded by ranged units that they are currently the only units capable of capturing it.

Ana Nzinga may be living out her own stick-in-the-spokes meme, but it can only last so long, and is not a viable defensive strategy for Labotsibeni Mdluli.

59: Gone and soon forgotten.

With Damietta firmly in Pontic hands the Selkup, Afsharids, Bukhara, Makhnovia, and Pontus himself all make peace with the former state of Egypt.

Saba-D'mt joins in on the love train and makes peace with Kalmyk.

60: That’s a little scary

At first glance this slide looks really bad for Bora-Bora, who have a very large naval presence at their borders, and not much back up in their core. Half of these ships, however, belong to Singapore, who aren’t at war with Bora-Bora. Palwa are, but their boats are a couple of generations behind most of the others in shot, and a full three behind the Wahgi destroyers that can be seen top left, also artillery.

Fear the Wahgi.

61: Ohkaaaaaaaay…

Speaking of game changing units; since we last saw this front the Yellowknives have conjured up no fewer than twelve planes. They have used said to bring P’ohwhoge Owingeh down the black and send in ships to secure its capture.

Pueblo have managed to hold Ohkay Owingeh, and there are fewer Yellowknives troops on this front, unfortunately the defenders are few, and weary. They cannot withstand the bombs and bullets that are now raining down death upon them.

62: Upcoming Bora-Bora project

Having seen the ongoing ineffectiveness of the tactic when employed by his ally Gabriel Moreno, Puni decides he is not bothered if Huyustus wishes to charge a few horses at Algrete. He has ordered his troops converge on the city of Pokotia along with Atacama, which is now down to deep yellow; once captured these cities will secure a clear-ish path to the self-titled Tiwanaku capital.

63: Don’t bring a hand gunner to an artillery fight

In the city of Nancy, capital by default of the rump state of Burgundy, a technological breakthrough has led to the development of unique arms. The hand gunner is stronger next to other units, especially cannons, and deals more damage to fortified defenders. Unfortunately for Burgundy they are more likely to be the defenders, rather than attackers, at this stage of the game, plus this unit is nowhere near as advanced as some of their neighbour’s elite squads.

64: Ikko Eek-y

Goguryeo’s navy may not be the most high-tech we’ve seen this episode, but it does form the largest complete carpet. It is not a good time to be Ikko Ikki.

Aboard the decks of warship, recently repurposed as a luxury cruise liner, Scott Joplin plays a piano in the ragtime style he has come to typify.

65: “One if by land, two if by sea”“And what do we do if they attack from the skies?”

Osage makes peace with The Finns, Latvia, Saba-D'mt, Kazan and eSwatini.

None of these wars were especially relevant but Pawhuska is happy to have fewer plates to juggle. The Thule navy, having sunk most of the Osage army whilst it was embarked, is now at the shores of Baaxawuaashaliko. The remaining Osage land forces are doing a valiant job of holding back the Yellowknives, but it cannot be stated often or loudly enough that Akaitcho has an air force now!

Kanem Bornu also gives up on taking Meknes. Without an angle of attack they declare peace with the Alouites.

66: Quel surprise

Another ideology, another autocrat. The Pontic core isn’t as full of units as it could be, and some of their formations are looking a little dated. Nothing like a total war economy to sort that little problem out, expect these guys to get a bit scarier soon.

In news that doesn’t matter, Mongolia makes peace with Mogadishu.

67: Except Asturica, obviously.

In Iberia, Leovigild is back in possession of all of his cities. Stubborn bugger, I’ll give him that, but I’m not sure it will save him in the long run.

68: Twice as nice when served with ice

That difficult to type city from three slides ago has fallen to the Thule. I’m guessing the Yellowknives 1st Airborne probably did most of the heavy lifting but for Javraganak a win is a win, and bulking out this exclave is definitely a win.

69: An empire out of time

Bavaria denounces Bukhara. Ink means little in this new world of oil and blood and neither side is in a position to be making threats right now.

Ludwig patronises the artist Jean-Baptiste-Camille Corot. His style, now considered dated by many, is perfect for capturing the true beauty of renaissance Bavaria, before it is transformed into an industrial powerhouse, or a pile of rubble.

70: Oh Morneo, you relentless fool.

The Bora-Bora war-a war-a effort is going well. Puni’s soldiers have secured Algrete, which is healing, and have captured Pokotia. Atacama is in the red, it may have flipped already, and if it hasn’t it will do soon.

The cities being attacked by Ecuador in the north are all almost fully healed despite waves of troops still pouring in. Bora-Bora has managed to maneuver two rifle brigades to the south of Pucará. I desperately want them to pull off another hilarious snipe.

71: Yes I know that’s longer than typing the actual name

Aforementioned city in North America is back in Osage hands, and even more amazingly they have dealt significant damage to Chichuche. The Yellowknives have withdrawn some of their aircraft from the city, in case of capture, they don’t want this hard won technology falling into the hands of a rival they had all but written off.

The Pueblo army has also advanced into Yellowknives-occupied former Crow territory, but are yet to do any damage. Both of the Pueblo cities in shot are in the black, but safe from capture. Akaitcho needs to be careful not to stack his forces too heavily with his new toys at the expense of ground units. The Immortals often make the mistake of focusing their bombing raids on cities and ignoring armies.This looks set to be the showdown that will decide who walks away with North American supremacy. Hold on to your hats, cause this has all the hallmarks of a bumpy ride ahead!

72: I’m quite proud of the name “the Black Corridor.”

Pontus makes peace with the Ume-Sami, presumably because no one could secure access to the newly constructed Black Corridor, which Latvia is guarding jealously.

Taino and Palwa also make peace. That’s nice.

73: Fun fact: cama is Spanish for bed, so everytime this city flips I imagine soldiers flipping a matress.

Back in South America Bora-Bora secure-a the city of Pokotia, and manage to flip Atacama too. The latter may return to Huyustus briefly before the war is over, but at this point it seems destined to end up with Puni. Bora-Bora has begun annexing it’s conquests in order to churn out more units. This may be the beginning of the end.

A bloc of European and steppes based civs decide Bukhara isn’t that bad after all, and make peace. Ludwig quickly drafts notes to the relevant embassies telling the ambassadors he was just joking when he called Muhammad Shaybani a dummkopf earlier this turn.

74: You were so close…

The most notable of these peace accords is with Möxämmädämin, and comes not a minute too soon. Kazani troops were on the verge of capturing the tempting exclave that lies between them and the Selkup lands. As the peace bells ring out enemy troops on either side of the border of Pavlodar sit and salivate at the thought of biting off that tasty snack.

75: The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I’m just going to leave this slide as a ‘spot the difference’ puzzle.

76: Go-go Goguryeo instant gratification.

At this point there is no stopping Gogurt wave, soon it will cover all the former Shang lands, and every ill-gotten luxury resource there-in. This will of course lead to mixed results, Gogurt covered citrus, probably okay; Gogurt covered jade however, may not make for the best jewelry.

77: This was a genuine surprise

Osage draws blood! They seize the aerodrome of Chichuche from the Yellowknives. The long term fate of this city is still up in the air however, as there are Yellowknives and Pueblo detachments in the area looking to add this important prize to their respective empires.

Akaitcho may have orchestrated this as a distraction however, as he seizes the canal city on the great lakes from Osage granting much better access to their core.

78: Shinpei Nakayma is for the children

Saba-D'mt makes peace with Nivkh. Phew, that was a close one!The Afsharids, having missed their opportunity to roll out both on their UUs simultaneously focus on the finer things, recruiting to court the musician Shinpei Nakayama. He composes songs that will become his civilisations proto-pop music. He is also commissioned, by a sentimental Nader Shah, to write music for children at court, that they might soothe him with their songs in times of trouble.

79: Yes, I did have to re-do some of my notes when I realised Mog and Nivkh aren’t the same symbol.

Wahgi also makes peace with Nivkh. This wasn’t a war that saw much action, but who wants even an outside chance of planes and destroyers turning up at their cities. Actual sigh of relief breathed by Umu.

To celebrate this historic occurrence we are treated to a shot of Mogadishu, who have a similar colour scheme and symbol to Nivkh. I assume this is to draw attention to the great pains narrators go through to make sure they haven’t messed up any of the war or peace notifications in the sidebar.

80: A tale of two fronts

The fighting along the Pueblo coast has progressed south into what we know as the state of California, and even reaches down to Baja California.

The Yellowknives are back in contested control of Chichuche, and the Pueblo are still unable to damage any of the former Crow cities. Both Haak’u and Ohkay Owingeh remain in the black. This is slowly becoming an uncomfortable watch.

81: The same title as the last slide

Bora-Boran forces continue to overwhelm their Tiwanaku counterparts. The latter have regained control of Atacama, but it’s dubious at best. At this point the only thing Tiwanaku has going for them is the mountains. Even Ecuador is doing slightly better than when we last saw them.

82: If this was Civ 6 these would all be free cities by now.

The Gogurt wave rolls over another Shang capital in exile, as the government flees further south, to a city that is already in open rebellion.

Machang will offer scant resistance despite having more willing defenders.

83: Yeah, it’s a very forced joke. This is my compromise for not talking about the actual lives of the musicians.

A great musician makes his way from the deltas of the American south, where he has honed his style and reputation, to the lands of Taino. He hopes that he will resonate with the island people in these troubled times, surrounded as they are by muddy waters.Rome makes peace with ̶N̶i̶v̶k̶h̶ Mogadishu.

84: I don’t know why this front makes me so angry.

Another shot of Iberia, another inconclusive conquest.

Leovigild recruits the Chinese general Ma Hushan. Hushan had some issues with the English on the Indian subcontinent, and as such has brought his grudge to bear on the battlefield for the Visigoths.

85: A new number one for next week’s power rankings.

Hungary completed their carpet! Well done Bathory, you are now the only state with a unit on every owned tile. Power rankers, take note! Cowed into submission, Ndongo makes peace with their terrifying foe.

Makhno please declare war, I want good things for you.

86: Pain lets me know I’m alive

Siam, hasn’t done anything for a while. I’d almost forgotten they existed. They’d almost forgotten they existed. Rama had meditated beyond physical form, and become detached from the world. He decided there was only one thing that could make him feel again. Pain.

He declares to the world that he adopts order. He taunts the autocratic forces to:“Come ‘n’ ‘ave a go, if you think you’re ‘ard enough!”

Will the fall of SouthEast Asia to the influence of order create a domino effect that will reach Europe? Highly doubtful.

87: So much wasted potential

Unintimidated by Rama’s posturing, Makeda chooses the path of autocracy. This is a good play for them. The bonus to internal trade routes from order is counterproductive to their UA, and their biggest weakness so far has been building units. Hopefully this will give them the impetus to do so. If it does, their next golden age may be the cylinder’s next dark age.

88: How to fight naval wars good

Having grown bored of their resource intensive, and centuries long attempts to take the mainland, and easily recaptured city of Emerita, the English navy descends on the one tile island of Reccopolis, and finds it is much easier to attack. The one unit capable of a recapture is currently blocked from approach, could we actually be seeing decisive progress on this front?

89: This is nothing but posturing

The Faroes bring some great war bombers of their own to North America, but like the Yellowknives they lack the melee units necessary to capitalise on this sizable advantage. Still, if I was Seneca, I’d be sweating.

90: The dying light shines through the gates

A lathered horse lurches forwards up the arid hill, strafing with supernatural accuracy to avoid the volleys being aimed at it. It’s rider is heavily wounded, shot in the leg, shoulder and back, he holds on though. He can see the gates of Big Bend, they are ruins ahead of him. There is smoke in his eyes. There is horse spit from when he collapsed on his mount's neck, but didn’t let go, and globs of saliva flew from the furious creature's mouth. There is blood, some is his own, some is not. In his left eye there is a persistent sting of shrapnel. He ignores all of this and concentrates on holding onto his horse. The beast knows better than he does now. The gates are getting closer. He pulls himself up, roars away the pain in his shoulder and hefts his gun. He aims briefly, and prays long. He hears the strangled scream of the last defender as the ball punctures his throat. The horse gallops on, and he is inside the city, he has conquered Big Bend.

91: Seriously, build an army!

The battle for North American hegemony rages on. The Yellowknives continue to lack melee units but are dug in fast. Their superior arms and armour will buy them time in their positions but they desperately need a fresh wave of ground troops, lest they fly too close to the sun and lose all.

92: That’s one way to get the city out of resistance

Shang manage to recapture their temporary capital of Erlitou, and may hold it in the short term as the Gogurt wave has largely passed by and, cumbersome thing that it is, it needs a large turning circle. Machang holds on for now, but its capture is a case of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

93: I knew there was a reason I liked Sierra Leone for a while.

Status quo successfully disrupted!. Thomas Peters declares an incredibly well timed war against Leovigild. He is immediately in contention for Victoriacum, and could walk away with a whole lot more if he plays his cards right.

The Visigoths are exhausted from fighting the English and the odd Faroe,a neighbouring civ with a decent navy joining this war was exactly what Leo didn’t want to happen. Pirates are so much fun.

94: Remember earlier when I said that thing about Pavlodar?

Speaking of cashing in on the hard work of others. The Selkup troops could stand the salivation no more, the bells of Pavlodar mocked them relentlessly, and they were ready to tear the inhabitants to pieces, like hungry dogs. Vonya, hearing the pleas of his people for war, is more than happy to oblige.The stakes for Bukahra are higher than in the Kazan war, and we may soon be seeing an ascendent Selkup army riding into the plains of central Asia. They have recruited a man who knows a thing or two about horse power to help them, Scottish engineer James Watt.

95: Icarus? Never heard of him

Progress for the Yellowknives is swift in the east, and the city of Oraibi is added to their empire. In the extreme north-east they have also reclaimed the city of Chichuche, and seem to have thinned out the Pueblo expeditionary force, however this front is far from stable, and there is everything to play for in the midwest.

96: This is my kind of war

It’s a battle of the underdogs! This is likely going to be a make or break affair for one, or both, sides as Vijayanagra declares war on the Qarmatians. They lack a land border so the initial skirmishes will be fought over the Arabian sea. Qarm has the numbers, but Vijay has the tech. Neither has the strength to go through the Afsharids, so this is an important last chance to break out of a weak starting location for both leaders. We’ve seen Vijanyangra over perform in these sorts of situations before, could this be an ill omen for the Qarmatian court?

97: I knew there was a reason I only liked Sierra Leone for a while.

Leovigild flipped Reccopolis off screen, we return to see it flip back, so really nothing has changed here, again! Even Sierra Leone hasn't done much to tip the scales. Cheers Thomas, and after all the nice things I said about you… To be fair to the English their units have started to clear the pyrenees.

98: I’d say this was a masterstroke from Singapore, but fear that may be a little too committal for their liking. I’ll settle for: “This was an alright turn for Singapore”

A Singapore surprise attack on Hawai’i scores big as they claim the island of Xia, with little resistance and Tamaya looks to meet the same fate. Like Goguryeo before them they have split their forces to attack multiple islands at once. Unlike Pueblo before the, Goguryeo lack the means to reinforce this area easily, as the islands of Japan separate the bulk of their navy from these remote holdings.I guess this is where those ships on the Bora-Bora border-border were going, all those turns ago.

The Faroes and Visigoths make peace, the minimap doesn’t seem to suggest any cities were exchanged.

99: The end is near

Every dog has his day, and Pavlodar has certainly had it’s. The only thing denying Selkup troops total access is a group of Kazan peacekeepers who are spitting at posters of Rasputin.

100: The end is nearer

Wahgi completes work on Cristo Rendentor, or as I like to call it, Biiiiiiig Jesus. There will be no redemption for the enemies of the Wahgi once these advanced gunnery units are unleashed on the battlefields.

101: The end is in sight

Bora-Bora retakes Atacama once more. It may still flip again but Bora-Boran supremacy in the region is looking more-a more-a likely by the turn.

Ecuador decides to slightly refine their tactics by charging all their units at one city, namely Pariti, instead of three or four. This has garnered better results, but still no capture.

102: In the end, it doesn’t even matter

In a stark illustration of the futility of war our intrepid Ndongo rider is now long dead. eSwatini are back in control of Big Bend, and once more a dearth of melee units may prove Ana Nzinga’s undoing. The eSwatini navy appears to have pushed the battle lines back to the occupied city of Nhlagano. So long as they can stop the privateers from breaking through they stand a chance of holding on to their scant territory. Mbabane remains undamaged, and the attacking army is slowly dissolving. Maybe if they can hold on long enough, and kill enough attackers they can sue for peace.

103: What an upset!

Osage is in ascendancy in North America! They have seized enough territory that their core cities are more or less out of great war bomber range, if they can peace out before any reprisals this would be a massive win for them, and give them a chance to re-carpet before the inevitable punishment war to come.Pueblo on the other hand are completely exhausted. Any Yellowknives losses to Osage, temporary or otherwise, are going to be massively mitigated by the fact the Pueblo core is now theirs for the taking.

104: You’re giving me emotional whiplash, Peters!

Sierra Leone remembers how to do what pirates do best and devastate the oceans around them. They seize both the Visigoth islands and promptly torch them. This is still not a great idea, as they will no doubt end up with new, and unwanted, neighbous in short order. It is, at least, more excusable than when the Faroes did it, and I kind of enjoy the fact that after all this back and forth no one gets to keep the cities.

105: Another massive upset!

As predicted a few slides back Singapore secures another island in the chain. The Goguryeo navy is definitely having to take the long way round, and by the time they get to Hawai’i some of the islands will have started to heal, along with the ships that seized them. If this counter fleet arrives in dribs and drabs the Sinagaporese flotilla can cut them down at leisure supported by city bombards. This will certainly be an interesting one to watch develop.

106: Last, but by no means least.

After an action packed sequence of slides we slow the tempo down for the finale. Here we see the Bora-Bora Palwa border. Without the help of the Singapore ships now quickly conquering Hawai’i the Palwa galeasses couldn’t withstand and Bora-Bora have pushed a little way into Palwa territory.

That’s not the real focus of this shot though. That’s in the top left, a bit of foreshadowing, a cliffhanger if you will. Waghi destroyers, cruisers, riflemen, and artillery all peak out of a dense purple mass in the corner. Who will the Wahgi come for? Your guess is as good as mine, but no matter the target they look unstoppable, so join us next time on the Civilization Battle Royale to find out if anyone can survive.Thank you, and goodbye.

Episode 28: When I say war, you say more! More! War! More! War! – S4

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