Episode 30: Don’t Rely On Other Civs

1: The Dawn Breaks

Good evening everyone, it is I, JDT1706, and its time to welcome you to the Civilization Battle Royale! Its time to move on through the turbulences and terrors of daily life, in this trying and testing time, and to turn around into the computer screen of the trials and turbulences of a bunch of funny little dots on screens. I’ll be your pilot today, so sit back, relax, and… oh crap I pressed the long lever we’re rapidly losing altitude everyone assume a brace position oh fuck we’re going to d…

2: Moops

The first OC of the day is the latest episode of the ongoing series of maps by Sonicfan0511. Shout out to him, the taker of the mantle once proudly worn by Vihreaa. Without his efforts, who knows how we’ll be mapping the cylinder!

3: Pacific Pals

Our second OC comes from our loveliest and cutest catgirl Orange’s own fingertips. A reminder of the absolute robbery Bora Bora got away with over the partition of Tiwanaku. What a wonderful thing to laugh about.

4: SPONSORED AD SEGMENT

And of course, where would we ever be without our ever faithful Ko-Fi sponsors! Thank you for helping run the CBR project!

5

Hot off the PR presses, we see our greatest riser in the PR ranks in the form of the Nivkh. An unexpected grower, their statlines have been consistently nothing short of impressive, catapulting them into contention with mid tier powers

6: A Stake Through The Heart

We begin the episode with a bang as Bavaria waltzes into Csjeste, armed with stakes and garlic amongst their guns. The last fortress of the vampire queen, Elizabeth Bathory. The legends say that she sucks blood from the very soul of her people, draining lives and bathing in the blood of virgins. The 15 man regiment of Abraham Van Helsing has been assigned to clean out the Manor of Celtje, the last holdout of the damned queen.

They approached through the night, battered and bruised past the gunpowder. Old equipment. The manor smiled at its shaded corners, cobwebs dancing and floorboards twirling. The grand chamber stood by them. Van Helsing gave the sign. The men watched, as she slowly rose, pale, bones poking through skin. She hadn’t fed in a long time. There was no better opportunity. The signal came. “Charge!”

The room was nothing but red. Twelve had given their lives to dispel the beast. Alone, Van Helsing stands, above the puddle of blood that was left behind by the monstrous woman. It seems now her reign has ended.

Royal Hungary initially got off to a fairly decent start. The underdogs opted not to go for a third settled city, instead ripping Ingolstadt from the hands of the Bavarians. That, unfortunately, was their peak. Shortly afterwards, they proceeded to spend multiple episodes doing nothing and instead exploiting their UA by forgetting to build food buildings, allowing the capital to grow while everyone else starves. Of course, starvation means less production, science, etc. And this was made even worse by their refusal to use the one thing defining them, their military, for actual conquest. While they would take a city from Pontus and put up decent fights, by the time the midgame rolled around, Bathory had too many warmonger penalties and too backwards of a military. It was then simply too much when the Romans and Bavarians came in. Fade em.

7: The Charge of the Caballeros

In the foothills of the Andes, Esteban Portes walks with his depleted troop of the 12th cuirassiers. Hardy, pained and tired, he takes a second to admire the hills near their objective of the city of Tiwanaku, the last bastion of their great foe. They are in the red, and all it should take is a concentrated assault to secure the city and breach the walls. Artillery and infantry support is scarce, but with any luck, they should be able to do so. He hears an awful roar. Its the sound of the new experimental landships of the Bora Bora. Motorized and converted from unused boats, it promises impenetrable armor and terrifying speed. Portes sighed. His trusty old horse will have to be good enough. Tomorrow, they strike.

08: The Fall Of The Fox Goddess

The plains of Tibet show a tale of pain and failure in great beatitudes. Goguryeo forces have conquered Xianxazhou, leaving the city of Dawenhuo as the last bastion of the Shang, And unfortunately for them, its not much of a bastion indeed. The awesome power of air bombardment has left the city in the black, and the residents in desolation as Goguryeo cavalrymen scamper across the plain in sight of the city. With no other recourse, the mad lady has ordered her final will and testament. An early funeral as you will. A hundred courtesans are to be locked in the court, to be subjected to debauchery untold. These poor people’s tales will, for the interest of time, not be relayed, in spite of strong evidence from Goguryeo historians.

09: The Not-So Indian Ocean

We move on to a shot of the Indian ocean, where funnily enough, not one of the civs in the region are Indian. Madagascar is dominated by a melting pot of Mogadishu, Vijayanagar and Eswatini cities and units, with a big Noongar contingent chilling in the middle. All these civs are very solidly mid tier, and all these men have little reason to loiter here. They distract themselves with petty arguments in floating markets, speaking localized Malagasy slang as a lingua franca, as sailors play craps on marooned ships.

10: Give Me A Drink, Barcino

We move over onto the Visigoth-Sierra Leone war, where the city of Barcino is burning. It doesn’t look likely that Visigothic troops will relieve the place, and I’m not sure Sierra Leone will be happy enough to wind up ending the razing. To the east, Palencia is also threatened by Sierra Leone units, though right now its all love taps. As Barcino burns, Thomas Peters sits back, drinking some fine Iberian whiskey. It has a smokey feel to it.

11: Two Charges, Two Tales

We move over to the Khoshut front, where two narratives are forming. On one hand, Khoshut soldiers successfully secure the city of Lhasa, given up to the Dzungars many moons ago, a weaker, more worrisome time. Its recovery has served as a symbol of confirmation - this is an entirely new leadership apparatus. No more throwing, choking and standing around like Tony Snell. Unfortunately, they seem to be doing just that in Mohenjo Daro. Afsharid troops have ran through the countryside uncontested, wielding haste and cannonry capable of sweeping the Indus valley without immediate reinforcement. While Gushi Khan realize whats happening down south fast enough to prevent conquest?

12: On Skates Like Elsa

We take a quick gander at the Faroes, the worlds first superpower, and possibly the worlds laziest. The people have been informed that a peacekeeping mission shall occur within Siam for the benefit of the oppressed Singaporean and Vietnamese minority, though everyone doubts anything shall be sent to truly assist Singapore or make gains. Everything about the Faroes says stacked. The science, the production, the military, the positioning. The issue is, to put it in sports/Poblometrics term, they don’t want it. They got no motor. All that power will become dead weight if not applied somewhere.

13: The Quick Brown Fox Could Not Escape The Ferocious Peacock

Dawenhuo falls, a dilapidated ruin of its former self. The bombs, guns and Daji’s debauchery had made good work of that. Goguryeo soldiers walked the impoverished and ancient streets, disgusted by the starvation and atrocities that occurred under Daji’s watch. It smelled of brimstone and incense in the last city of the fox. Generalissimo Manjo promises to the former Shang residents that he shall lead them to new prosperity, away from the wretched influence of that destructive woman.

Shang was not expected to do well at all. Daji’s self-destructive nature and the cramped start often meant that she was prone to killing herself very early, or getting steamrolled or outscaled by her neighbours. Incredibly, Daji seemingly defied all expectations in the beginning. She settled through boundless plains to give a strong empire, bulking her military and cities to become an early game juggernaut, surviving coalitions by Zheng, Goguryeo and the Ikko Ikki and even making strong gains against Mongolia. They seemed destined for greatness

Then Daji decided to start indiscriminately killing civilians

Shangs UA allows for the AI to sacrifice a population to gain a luxury in a city, each use of the UA placing said city under anarchy for an increasing amount of turns. In episode 17, Daji proceeded to spam the UA in all her major cities, condemning her civilization to 55 straight turns of doing nothing. I don’t think any civilization has shot themselves in the stomach this hard. She couldn’t build any buildings, build any units, research any techs due to lack of science output or do, well, anything. Of course, it didn’t take long for the vultures to come pecking. Zheng would seize major cities in the south. Mongolia then came in to swoop back their conquests and secure their borders. Miraculously, Daji managed to pull one last rabbit out of her hat, preventing Goguryeo and the Ikko Ikki from gaining much from their initial assaults and even mounting something of a second renaissance. Unfortunately, Goguryeo then decided that it was about time for them to die, and you simply cannot contest against a civilization 3 eras ahead of you with quintuple your stats. F.

14: Bathtub

We take a look at the Tarim basin, the heartland of the Dzungar empire. They are well stocked with their cannons, muskets and UU, but none of those are exactly the most advanced if you hope they may escape their bathtub. We also witness Remedios Varo, a notable surrealist painter, as he works his next tapestry. It may well be very influenced by military forces, lining light and moody strokes to canvas in the endless desert. But we shant know till he puts brush to canvas.

15: The Lion And The Gun

We move on over to Harappa, where we get a look at the Afsharids unique musketman, the Jazayerchica. The Jazayerchica costs more, but has extra combat strength and boosts itself and adjacent mounted units by giving them +1 movement and +10% combat strength when adjacent. Though a bit outdated, it is devastating when combined with the heavy cavalry focus of the Afsharid military, as they sweep throughout India.

16: Pearl Harbour

We move on over to Goguryeo’s Hawaiian holdings, still reeling from the destructive, but ultimately abortive, blitzkreig by Singapore last episode. Cochiti has developed a reputation as a good airfield, fielding several regiments of Great War Bombers, prepped by Manjo for future use. For now, they dance around in Pearl Harbour, prepping up for their next shift.

17: We’re so Barrack

Visigothic troops march onto Barcino, preventing its destruction by Sierra Leone! While Palencia is now facing more heat, the Visigoths look like they can stand about and contest for a bit longer, as the Sierra Leone navy takes a second to regroup.

18: The Independent Communes of Exclovia

We move on over to the wonderful anarchist communes of Exclovia, separated physically and united only by allegiance to one Nestor Makhno. Cleaved apart by the authoritarian scum of Pontus, Latvia and Kazan, the people live their daily lives without assistance from nearby communes, simply retaining a strong, self sufficient lifestyle in their isolated town. Nestor Makhno stands silently. This was, after all, how things were to be.

19: Ghost Land

The Specials sing about their haunting, listless situation in the middle of Mongolia. A small, prospectless land, surrounded by much better, more advanced peoples. A impotent locale, where jobs are few and the people were exploited by Goguryeo and Selkup profiteers. A dead mans chest, ran by a leader led of lies. Truly, this land, it really is a ghost land.

20: Baba Yetu

The Ndongo continue their slow and steady approach up Mbabane, marching skirmishers, cavalry, cannons and infantry up a increasingly depleted Eswatini military. But thats not whats really important here. Christopher Tin is here. Making his masterpiece interpretation of the Swahili prayer Baba Yetu. For Mogadishu, the civ that has dominated the Swahili coast. It is simply masterful.

21: Two With One Stone

Reeling from the reconquest of Barcino, Sierra Leone swoops in and takes both it and Palencia! Both cities are put to the torch, Sierra Leone’s low happiness preventing them from keeping the cities, and this time they look like they’ll stay ashes and dust.

22: Taking Your Cake And Eating It

Gucci Khan has done it again. He managed to get out of his two front war without losing a single city. The most egregious part is that Mohenjo Daro is in the yellow, and Gushi would’ve undoubtedly lost both Harappa and that to the Afsharids had the war continued. The Khoshuts are really determined this time around to beat the meme nation allegation. And really, it looks like its working.

23: Wololo

To celebrate his victory against the lion of Persia and the mountain of Dzungaria, Gushi Khan hosts a religious ceremony, thanking the spirits for alighting his victory and guiding his men out of the darkness. A military parade of his line infantry roams the streets, while their unique Nomiyin, a Great Prophet replacement that spawns in duplicate and can culture bomb on holy sites but has less spread charges, blesses them in the Grand Temple of Dam. In the meantime, songwriters are also commissioned to write grand and complex hymns reverberating the name of both Gushi and the Khoshut empire. Forever may they reign.

24: High Seas Skirmishes

A series of high intensity skirmishes batter the southern Indian Ocean. Noongar and the Visigoths fling their naval units in a pointless dispute over trade rights and naval dominance. Captain Adithan Abimalek sighed. He did not ask for the posting for this southwards assault. A cannonball hits the deck. “Sir, from the starboard.” His fine bottle of brandy sat still, undeterred by the chaos from the turbulent seas. A Noongar carrack, similar to his own, popped up by his own ship, its crew yelling and rowdy. He pulled out his pistol. “Prepare for boarding action.”

25: Ashes to Ashes

Aishiwi falls to the hands of Yellowknife troops, as the Pueblo look increasingly tuckered out. While the Pueblo can still retake the city with their rifles, their capacity is looking increasingly thin. The Yellowknife assault has gone far beyond their wildest dreams, capitulating the valuable lands of the Pueblo in record pace.

26: Elephant Assault

The Siamese inflict a bloody nose back at the Singaporeans as they retake Ratchaburi, putting them up back a city in their desperate bid for relevancy. Of course, the ball is still in Singapore’s court. While the two are roughly even in land military, and you can argue that Siam is actually ahead, Singapore is far beyond Siam in terms of naval technology and production base. If they bring their ships up, this war may not be lasting much longer.

27: Boundless Plains Aplenty

Welp, Sierra Leone has burnt down Barcino and Palencia. This has left some wide open lands for new settlements. Who’ll get it? The Visigoths? Sierra Leone? Or maybe even England? We shall see soon, as the Sierra Leonese seem content for now with coming in and gameruining the Visigoths.

28: SHUFFLE YOUR FEET!!!

What is Ecuador doing. Why aren’t they moving around Tiwanaku. The city is in red. They’re clearly vulnerable and it should be easy to simply move your HIGH MOVEMENT CAVALRY into the city. WHY ARE THEY STILL ALIVE? Gabriel Garcia Moreno is a FRAUD and the WORST LEADER I’ve ever seen in the CBR. Holy shit. Why can’t you do something this simple?

29: Swing and Jive

We take a look at the Selkup core, a pre-eminent global power’s powerbase. In the middle of their vast retrofitting of their army, and attempts to catch up to the rest of the worlds major powers, a new type of music sweeps the steppes. Combining traditional steppe instruments with high-tempo singing and much improvisation, Duke Ellington, irl jazz legend, starts taking the Selkups by song and storm. Soon, every man is listening to his carefully orchestrated pieces by the tips of their ears.

30: 5D chess

We get news that Puni is preparing to take out Moreno! This theoretical assault will be big for Bora Bora. While there are still a few better targets, and Moreno’s army is right by the border, a Bora Boran invasion of Ecuador can theoretically allow them to sweep the remaining gains from Tiwanaku, and perhaps even more. The Bora Borans have the tech advantage, production advantage, well, every advantage aside from terrain.

31: Nancy I…

The walls of Nancy fall to an English cavalryman, ending once in for all the reign of Charles I. A short elegy, as the Burgundian rose is snuffed out.

Charles and Burgundy were, once again, not expected to do well. Credit where credit is due, Charles played about as well as he could’ve given the circumstances. He settled up France in unique patterns that made the AI unable to launch concentrated assaults against his nations. He fought valiant defensive wars in the face of consistent three way assaults by England, the Visigoths and Bavaria. He worked his way up the tree as well as he could. Hell, he even scammed Asturias out of the Visigoths, relegating them to mediocrity. Unfortunately, when you spend your entire existence constantly getting assaulted by three (four if you count that one Faroese snipe attempt) powers with much better scaling bases than you, you don’t really have time to scale up yourself. This proved to be their downfall, as England proceeded to build their infamous Longbow swarm and pair them up with some decent melee units and their production-sapping Chevauchee. Combined with the English UA, it didn’t take long for England to obliterate the already weakened Burgundian army and sweep through their lands with ease. Fade em at 49th.

32: Citadel Cities

Looking back at former Burgundian lands, we see England and Bavaria trading citaslams for two core cities. England has dropped a Citadel right by Beaune, leaving an open path for English troops to waltz right in for an assault. In retaliation, the Bavarians hit a citadel right by Dijon, opening a pathway straight into the heart of the former Burgundian capital. English citizens are disappointed upon learning their annual mustard stipend will be rationed.

33: The 2 Seasons

“Hey Vail, why are we called the 4 seasons again? You know theres only two seasons down here.”

Frankie Vail’s eye twitched. Are they stupid? Joe Long sighed. Gerry, the absolute idiot.

Vail can’t afford to give much thought to such a daft statement though. They’ll be performing soon. Their most important show too. A effort for the troops in Mogadishu. They say Abu Bakr himself might show up. The hall was moody, lit only by candlelight. Vail had heard of neighbouring nations toying with something called “electricity,” that may soon power their interiors without the smell of smoke. And he knew that the Mogadishu are far, far away from any of their level technologically. An undisciplined musketman yells. The holdup has been too long. Theres no time to argue any more.

“Ladys and gentlemen, I present, Frankie Vail and the Four Seasons!”

34: Counterforce

A noble Pueblo rifleman unit retakes Ashiwi, slipping past depleted Yellowknife lines to recapture the city. There is a small chance they can hold it. The Osage are posing a good distraction eastwards, and the Yellowknives look spent following their impressive blitz down past the Rockies. But there are still Yellowknife melee units out there, ready for taking them out…

35: Needs more Pyramid

A look into the Yellowknife core tells us just how depleted it really is. Unusually for such a dominant power, you really don’t see much of a carpet around in the frigid north. Imohetep seems to notice the lack of improvements and military encampments. His solution to fixing the lack of improvements? “We must build more pyramids, monuments to our victory and dead! Glory be to Horus!”

36: Surrounded

The fields of Mbabane are painted in red. Both literally and figuratively. Ndongo troops march and feast down abandoned fields. Skirmishers, cannons, cuirassiers and their UU surround the walls of the damned city they’ve waited so long to take. No opposition from Eswatini remains. The die is cast. Mbabane will be Ndongo.

37: Singaporeans Don’t Cry

The Cure have just released their hit record “Singaporeans Don’t Cry” within the turbulent Zheng lands, calling for peace and critiquing the advent of war across the region. The Singaporeans can only cry crocodile tears at this development, as Ratchaburi and Chanthaburi gets reclaimed, plans for a new offensive assault northwards getting settled.

38: Spawncamping

The Visigothic settlers of New Barcino find themselves tied up in a concentration camp set up by Sierra Leonese troops. They had thought about going back to their homes, rebuilding from the ashes. Unfortunately Thomas Peters has other ideas. “Set it alight, again,” he ordered. A soldier winced. A child cried. And God sighed. They shall all be put to the flame, once again.

39: Shahanshah

A grand coronation takes place in the heart of Mashihad. A reminder of the glory and majesty of their eternal king of kings. Prayers are said to the highest of heavens. The most advanced units in the Afsharid army march in robotic procession, as hymns and paintings are written in his re-coronation. Nader Shah promises the dawn of a new age, a age of enlightened rule, where he shall lead the Afsharids to glory, and not to the chokes he’s lead them towards thus far.

The Afsharids have adopted autocracy

40: La Plata

We move on over to the powerbase of our fan favourite Bora Bora. The heart of central South America. La Plata. A wide eyed, open land. Devastated by war, but teeming with potential for growth. Should Bora Bora properly build these cities, this land will quickly fuel an unstoppable juggernaut, as it has to many one seeds. In the meantime, Bora Boran rifles roll about with their new, shiny landships, wheezing with joy across the rolling hills and dirty sands

41: Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?

Dean Martin sings his heart out with his hit single “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?” Well received by local critics for its strong lyricism and incredible beats, some critics pick up on it as a subtle critique at the Saba D’mt government, criticizing their lack of expansionism and the lethargy of the state. The Saba has stagnated greatly since their early game spike, in spite of still being pretty respectable across the board in stats. But I suppose, thats Amore.

42: The Seas Fly Yellow

The decks of Adithan Abimaleks carracks lay stained with blood and holes. The ship had taken some noticeable signs of damage. The rigging was lose, the sails were ripped, and 40 good men were dead. But it mattered not. What mattered was that he and his men have achieved victory against the Noongar menace. He smirked. The thrill of victory shivered over his pained back. Theres still many a ways to go before he and his mates make it to Australia.

43: The Big MT

Mount Hagen, the Apple of the World, the Jewel of Asia. The city of worlds envy has just produced another wonder to go alongside the myriad of achievements given by the Wahgi. The big stage, Broadway, the home of all musicals in the world. Truly, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

44: Father Stretch My Beliefs

We take a brief look at the religions all around the cylinder. Jodo Shinshu and Kachina, religions of the Ikko Ikki and Yellowknives, have prospered into dominant regional religions, while Bon and Anito, religions of the Khoshuts and Maguindanao, both require a small miracle if they wish to be relevant. Still, at least its not the highly persecuted and near extinct religion of Lutheranism. Poor Shawnee, not a soul to speak about for life nor death.

45: Part 2

Scrolling down the list, we get some other heavy hitters with Palawa’s Tjukurpa and the Ume Sami’s Nodidevincu (I can’t read this one I’m sorry) both being strong religions. Three giant religions by three irrelevant powers, however, are the Mahayana by the dead Dai Viet, the Sunni of the stagnant Mogadishu and most impressively, the largest religion in the world of Vajrayana by the otherwise irrelevant Kalmyks. See kids, being small doesn’t mean you have no impact!

46: Moving Mountains

Seeking to build off the momentum from the destruction of Royal Hungary, Ludwig has decided to go ahead and assault Makhnovia. Do not expect any actual progress however. The Carpathians are a harsh mistress, and theres no indication that Bavarian units can successfully scale this barrier.

47: Clocks Ticking…

Nzinga is taking her sweet time with securing Mbabane. The city is in red, no opposition remains, all her troops are healthy. Whats the holdup? Please don’t tell me she’s gonna fumble this as hard as Moreno. For pete's sake, theres note even mountainous terrain to complain about!

48: Corridor Crew

Oop, look at that. Nzinga took so long that the Queen of Sheba has realized she has a small border with Eswatini and that now is ripe to take advantage of said border. Saba navigators definitely are not happy sailing down towards Eswatini though. Thats a very small corridor, and a lot of space to accidentally hit into Mogadishu too. I’m also not sure if this corridor will be enough to impact the assault on Eswatini. Only time will tell I suppose

49: I Am Become Death

In the midst of all the hubbub and jazz in the cylinder, a terrifying thought arises. The Wahgi have reportedly figured out a way to split the atom, igniting mass chain reactions and explosive forces the world can only dream of. Of course, they haven’t actually done that. But most of the world thinks they have, as they have entered the Atomic Era.

50: Nice FP Mate

We get some nice tea from our greatest master of espionage Ishtar. This time, we’re hearing from the court of Koxinga of the Zheng, and the news we get is that… the Zheng are planning on attacking the Afsharids. Who they have no border with. Great FP Koxinga. Very nice indeed.

51: At The End Of The Earth

Ah, the Tehuelche. One of the least relevant civs on the whole cylinder, surpassed in uselessness only by the Finns. At this point, they might as well be uncontacted people. Fun fact - their UA depends on the circumnavigation of the globe. I’m not sure they ever circumnavigated the globe. Anyways, look at them and pity them. Compared to their Bora Boran neighbours, they still use arrows, primitive muskets and lances. A mere artifact of the past.

52: Bygones be Bygones

Singapore and Goguryeo make peace, Lee Kwan Yew deciding to not try his luck against a power thrice his power level after the abortive strike on Hawaii. The war can be described as nothing other than a wash. The Singaporeans briefly took Hawaii, got btfo’d, and nothing else happened. Brave effort, but for once, not quite the smashing success Lee Kwan Yew is used to. The local Hawaiians celebrate by hosting a big surf contest.

53: The Most Irrelevant Relevant War

Perturbed by England’s increasing aggression, Trajan of Rome declared a state of war against Henry, seeking to pre-empt English aggression towards the Roman peoples following their conquest of Nancy. Unfortunately for Trajan, they do not share a naval border, nor is Trajan prepared with any units to launch an invasion from Carthago. Thus, nothing should happen in this conflict.

54: People Really Hate Losers

It seems that in spite of being dogged on by Singapore, this world has no sympathy for the plight of Rama V. If anything, his letters begging for help has drawn the wrath of the world. A letter has been sent by Manjo of the Goguryeo - “Your groveling insults me. We are attacking you.” While the most relevant comment, other statements include a statement of Umu of the Nivkh (“You’re a creep. We shall not stand for this.”) Moxhammahadin of Kazan (“You lack of prospects have collectively made us deem you a threat to national security.”) and Idris Alauma of Kanem Bornu (“Not clutch? I’ll make you clutch pearls right now.). Rama must prepare for more insults to go his way though, because the front is still looking very much in Singapore’s favour.

55: Is This It?

I’ve wagered for many episodes that the Ikko Ikki are not as good as their stats belie. The primary reason is, in part, this occasion right now. They are surrounded by sharks. The Zheng are eons above them in terms of production and military capacity. Only time can tell if my hypothesis comes true. The Ikko Ikki appear to have some pretty decent defenses around their cities in the form of rifles, while the Zheng navy isn’t that much more advanced compared to the Ikko Ikki. The question now belies - is this it?

56: The Land Of Nothing Ever Happens

Ah, Seneca. The land of entropy. See all those cities? They don’t exist. The Seneca never existed. They’re just a black hole. The reason nothing ever happens is because nothing ever existed there. You can’t divide a nation by zero. Thats why no cities ever changed hands during wars with the Seneca. Its a gaslight. They don’t exist.

57: Indochina Calling

The Wahgi, at the beck and call of their stalwart Goguryeo allies, have decided to join in on the dogpile against Siam. Theres no real reason to do so, but its funny and Bolim wants to prove his power projection. Seeing the grand fleet of Wahgi, Zheng and Singapore, while Zheng clearly has advantage of concentration, the Wahgi are out here fielding things like carriers and infantry. A whole era ahead of everyone else, they are. And this disparity will only get worse if Singapore and Zheng don’t watch out.

58: Lost The Plot

“Sir, why are we here? Its cold and distant from our objectives!”

Mutiny was rumbling in the Vijayanagar fleet. For reasons unknown, the fleet was lost. Following the southern monsoon, they have failed to get anywhere near Australia and are simply floating about in the southern ocean. Adithan cannot answer. He’s simply following the rest of the fleet. The damned fools faffing about. If only he can follow a current home right now.

59: BORABORABORABORABORA

Puni has had enough of that primitive stain upon the south of Patagonia. Its time. The Tehuelche shall be no more. “BORA BORA! BORA BORA BORABORABORA! BORA!” And with that, the destroyers leave the dock, the landships rumble down the plains, the riflemen march in procession. Extermination is happening. Total annihilation is due.

60: Ragnarok

The day Henry V has feared for many years has finally come. The conquest of Nancy is one step too far for Trondur Y Gotu. In 1954, England and the Faroes, long stalwart allies, enter a state of war.

Henry has some confidence in his land forces. The Faroes and England aren’t that far apart in terms of land military. The issues are the navies and the Faroese air force. The Faroe navy is superior in every single way compared to England’s. Meanwhile, the air force is capable of shredding cities to black, especially since England is a ways off from anti air guns. Furthermore, the Faroes have an exponentially larger production base to recover losses from and build new troops. This will not be good for England. But all he can do is sally forth.

61: Elegy For A Civilization

As Ndongo surrounds Eswatini with an endless barrage of their troops, Alejandro Roces prints endlessly on the presses to get news out. In another life, he’s a Filipino writer and columnist, well renowned throughout the land. But now, he’s sitting still, with no hope for escape as the walls of Mbabane falter about him. A shell hits his home. The walls rock. He hasn’t much time. He writes one last piece - “Elegy for the Civilization.” A memorial for the land he knew so dear, and which soon will be no longer.

62: Nah for Narbo

Sierra Leone has decided to try rubbing the salt in the wound by besieging Narbo, despite their happiness not demonstrably increasing and the swathes of open land from their razed cities in the south. Thomas Peters is really on a mission to gameruin Leovigild, even if it gives him nothing in gain due to unhappiness. And he might just succeed.

63: Bro

Are you serious. Moreno my man. You had Tiwanaku by the ropes. They couldn’t in any way counter your forces. You just had to keep up the assault. Why did you peace out. How. How did you fumble the freest city possible. You are an imbecile. What a bellend.

Esteban Portes though similar. Years and years of fighting with no gain. Hundreds of dead friends, endless amounts of bullet wounds, unspeakable horrors. All for nothing. What a joke, he apprehensively smoked, under the blood orange sky that pulsed around the setting sun of the Andes.

64: Ride Of The Valkyries

As everybody’s favourite inventor Nikola Tesla scrambles around Coventry to test his experimental electrical devices, the terrifying power of the air can be seen in full force. One turn has passed and Coventry is already in the black without a single Faorese unit nearby. While the English navy and cavalry are putting up valiant fights in Scotland and the North Sea, this battle is increasingly looking lopsided. Bristol and Lincoln also look to be open for the taking, both cities being highly vulnerable from bombardment.

65: I Can’t Be Arsed Giving Lore

I’m sorry, but I can’t be arsed giving lore for a nation as irrelevant as Mogadishu. Somehow, they’ve survived long enough in the game to adopt Autocracy. They’re still using crossbows and cannons. Yeah. Very nice progression of time and technology.

66: Last Stop: Malkerns

Mbabane falls, Nzinga opting to keep Roces to allow him to write pro-Ndongo propaganda. The swarm next descends towards Malkerns, the last viable city for Ndongo to take. Nzinga held the city, many moons ago. And now she’s very much hoping she can retake it and dominate South Africa once more.

67: Back At It

Ratchaburi gets flipped again by Siamese forces, though this time it looks a bit like a mirage. Singapore is ready with a variety of melee units (wait is that a longswordsman) and naval units to swiftly retake the city. Nakhon Si Thammapat and Phra Nakhon both also look like they’re in a bit of a pickle, with Singaporean troops continuing their assault that way.

68: An Ignominious End

A Yellowknife Lancer corps sneaks through rough terrain and the few remaining Pueblo defenses to capture the city of Shiewhibak, the last holdout of the Pueblo. Exploiting an open gate through the Byzantine walls of the city, the lancer corps parade victory, while the distraught remains of the Pueblo military can only watch from the shore.

The Pueblo were a mixed bag coming into the royale. Some thought they’d get hemmed in by the Rockies and stagnate. Others thought they can become the pre-eminent power of North America with the ample space provided to them. At first, they seem to have set up the foundations for the former, building an expansive empire with incredible stats that are notably stronger than their neighbours. Then, it became obvious that they were frauds. Consecutive losses against the Yellowknives, Osage and Mexico hemmed them in. It didn’t take long for their good stats to stagnate too, allowing for the Yellowknives and Mexico to leapfrog them as America’s strongest civ. What truly brought the nail in the coffin is the embarrassment of the war against the Osage, which would leave them vulnerable to the awesome power of Yellowknife aerial brigades. A grand sweep, and a giant collapse. What a waste. Fade em.

69: A Slow Start

The Bora Boran domination of Tehuelche has not been as rapid as expected. We see very few Bora Boran units on the border in Maguincho, the river line proving a bit of a logistical hiccup, and Koalel Kayke has zero pressure on its end. On the bright side for all you Boraleivers, a contingent of destroyers seem ready to take Colon-Cura nearly unopposed.

70: As Above, So Below

Coventry falls to Faroe cavalry, the overwhelming firepower from the skies outweighing any evenness in the quality of ground troops. The English are trying a counter attack in Trongsivalgur, but I heavily doubt any attempt will succeed. Coventry is still low enough for an enterprising flip, but if this is how the war is going to go, things are not looking good for England.

71: ITS NOT PUEBLOVER TILL ITS OVER

A brave Pueblo rifleman sneaks into Shiewhibak, reclaiming the city as Pueblo once more! The support seems decent and the Yellowknives look gassed, though they still have quite a few rifles around. Was my eulogy for them a bit premature?

72: Like Ants

We return to Iberia, where Thomas Peters is continuing to torment the Visigoths in Narbo without any significant military movement. The Sierra Leone have taken so long to take Narbo that Barcino has been resettled again, this time over in the southeast instead of the southwest. We all know they’ll take it and burn it again, quashing the Visigoths like ants out a anthill.

73: Its Pueblover.

Shiewhibak gets recaptured by a Yellowknife Cavalry unit, putting an end to the Pueblo once and for all. Hey, at least they had a fun ending to their journey. Which is more than the other eliminations today can say. Now, one more time, fade em.

74: Arctic War 2: Electric Boogaloo

Seeking to take control of the valuable Bering Straits and concentrate control over the north, the Thule have opted to invade the Nivkh. The Thule in theory have the edge here with their greater production base, but techwise they’re pretty even and the arctic will make movement of troops quite tough. Plus, the Nivkh are no longer such slouches in terms of stats. Will this be a stalemate?

75: Giraffes and Gaffes

It seems like Mogadishu remembered something about Ming Dynasty relations between Africa and China. In order to give a peace offering to the Zheng and re-establish ties, Abu Bakr im Umar decides to give Zheng dignataries a humble gift of a giraffe in the city of Minara. Unfortunately, a mistranslation results in Mogadishu giving away Minara to the Zheng wholesale. It doesn’t take long for heads to roll in the diplomatic apparatus.

76: Naval Invasion?

Adithan Abimalek couldn’t believe his eyes. “Land Ho!”

The Vijayanagar fleet has, in great number, turned up by the Noongar lands, posing to make a threat to a fairly non-existent Noongar coastal defense.

77: The Next Episode?

As we take a look into the still-barren Yellowknife core, we get word that the Yellowknives may be plotting against Rio Grande. Could it be the next step in the Yellowknives plans to dominate North America? Removing the few separatists of such a tiny region to consolidate demographics?

78: The Rumbling

Hearing my criticisms from the previous slide, Bora Bora has begun to proceed with their wholehearted assault of Tehuelche. Colon Furel falls, the fleet beginning assaults on Comlel next. Maguinchao also falls into the yellow following a singular attack by a Bora Bora landship. Its not looking great here for the few Tehuelche fans.

79: CAAM ON INGERLAND

Henry. Is. Him. Not only did England flip back Coventry, they are mounting a proper assault against Trongsivalgur, though I personally doubt the effectiveness of surrounding the city with nothing but embarked cavalry. Nevertheless, despite the heavy disadvantage conferred by the lack of air superiority, England has made one thing clear - they are not going down without a fight.

80: Poor Things

We get another good look at Exclovia, the poor bastards. Separated and condemned to death, the enterprising Commune of Mariupol has decided to launch a declaration of war against the Nivkh, condemning their aggressive streak against various powers. Makhno can only sigh as this declaration tanks his non-existent reputation ever further down.

81: Malconcern

We shift on over to South Africa, where the city of Malkerns has dropped to red health following Ndongo assault. Saba troops continue to flood in, though for now only a singular lancer is in any position for a snipe. There is no hope left for Eswatini. Only destruction and pain.

82: Tarenorer March

In the foothills of Palawa, Johann Strauss I is commissioned by Tarenorer to make a march to glorify his army. A grand military, made of state of the art rifles, well armed artillery pieces and fearsome cavalry. The navy, in the meantime, has gone neglected, still fielding outdated galleons, but with the insurgent threat of Noongar who needs a navy? The Tarenorer March will, as time transpires, find life as a strong anthem of military might.

83: Red To Their Veins

The people have spoken in the Taino empire. The material conditions of their current systems cannot possibly satisfy the whims of the people. A change needs a brewing. Agueybana is forced out of the palace in the wee moments of the morning, only to be reinstated as a figurehead to make socialist policies more palatable. The vanguard has spoken. The people shall get their bread, and a new dawn will burn in the lands of the Taino.

The Taino adopt Order

84: What Use Is It?

Mere minutes before he was about to engage with Noongar forces for control over the strategic Australian coast, Adithan Abimalek got the order from high command. Cease operations. A waste of time, it truly all is. A idiotic, imprudent waste of time. So much suffering and bloodshed for nothing. Years on sea, with no leave and horrific rations. He can do nothing but laugh. He got what he wanted. It is, at the very least, time to go home.

85: Shikoku Holiday

Moving over to the Zheng-Ikko Ikki war, we can see the Zheng beginning to bunch up around the city of Oba for a big, complicated Shikoku holiday. The Ikko Ikki locals can only sit there and watch as their pristine seas are overrun by Zheng warships. However, Obas position means that the Zheng have to round Ishiyama Hongan-Ji in order to reach the only other open water tile to attack it. The city may thus relax a bit longer, as Zheng shows little evidence of mounting an attack on Ishiyama.

86: Not Tonight

Bavaria and Exclovia predictably make peace. There was no way Bavarian units were ever going to conceivably scale the Carpathians and succeed here. Makhno can breathe easy, knowing at least thats one less opponent to think about, while Ludwig can sulk in knowing he’s a fool.

87: I Apologize, I Wasn’t Familiar With Your Game

To: Puni

I apologize for saying your invasion is not fast enough. Because this is looking more my speed. Maguinchao and Collon Curo are firmly Bora Boran. The Tehuelche capital is in yellow. Troops are moving everywhere. You are, as they say, goated with the sauce. May not be pregnant but never fail to deliver.

88: Shots Fired

The seemingly stagnant front between the Nivkh and Thule is seemingly a hot front! The Thule have revealed their secret weapons - the skies, and have used their air force to assault Viskvo in spite of even troop technology and count. Of course, they still have to actually walk into the city, a task made harder by the rocky peninsular terrain and the abundance of Nivkh troops.

89: Parking the Bus

The English navy successfully repel an invasion of York, moving their troops strategically into the English canal to prevent Faroese entry. The northern front with Coventry is still looking bleak, but mercifully it seems that both sides are not the most committed to it. The assault on Trongisvagur also appears to be repelled.

90: Enough Change, Back To The Nothing

We take a look at the Khoshut empire. Despite Gushi Khan’s promises of change and aggression, the empire looks very similar to how it was at the start of the episode, sans the reclaimed city of Lhasa. If anything, he has demobilized some troops, even in the face of expanding world tensions. What a leader. Meanwhile, we get a snippet of the Siamese-Singaporean war, as Nakon Ratchasama, Siams biggest city, begins to take water from Singaporean assaults.

91: So Nice They Named It 8 Times

Singapore reclaims Ratchaburi for what may be the final time, as Phra Nakhon and Nakhon Si Thammarat both drop in the red with no relief coming. To celebrate the march of another glorious victory for the progress nation, before the Thai’s unique Royal Guards can step in to have much impact, they get the great great great great great great great great Singaporean musician musician musician musician musician musician musician musician Rodolphe Kreutzer, protege of Beethoven and renowned opera creator, to make a piece worthy of the glory of Lee Kwan Yew’s success.

92: So Nice They Named It 8 Times

Also, would you look at the northwards cities of Hai Phong and Shigatse? Both of those cities are dangerously in the black, even with zero pressure from anyone! I suppose thats the awesome power of the skies for you.

93: A Fruitless Guardianship

We get a closer look at the Siamese UA, the Royal Guard. It gains extra XP when trained in the capital, concurrent to a third of XP gain from non-capital cities (eg, if you have 4 cities and a barrack in every city they’d gain 15 xp). While it could be a powerful unit in some other hands, I’m not sure these guys were trained in the capital. And I doubt they’ll be enough to swing the tides back against Singaporean assault.

94: NOSCOPE

In a dramatic upset, Saba Dmt somehow goes ahead and steals Malkerns from right under the noses of the Ndongo! Ana Nzinga must be fuming right now with her disorganized units, as all the rest of the world laugh at this momentous occasion. Eswatini forces may soon flip the city with their remaining units however, giving another chance for Nzinga to go in.

95: Onwards and Upwards

Phra Nakhon falls into the hands of the Singaporeans, officiating the massive faltering of Siam. Nakhon Sih Thammarat is also in the black, with many Singaporean ships bundled up ready to waltz in and secure the city. Rama’s nightmare could not have come any more true. And he cannot wait to beg for mercy.

96: Dune

After many years of Pax Romana, Trajan has decided that now shall be the time for Rome to strike. His first target? Kanem-Bornu. The Roman force statistically outmatches the Kanemi force in every way possible. However, 1. It is less concentrated than Kanem Bornu’s troops and 2. Kanem Bornu’s UA makes trekking through their lands a tough endeavour given their demolition of unit HP. Expect this battle to be a slow back and forth, with little of note happening for epiosdes at a time.

97: You Dare Challenge Fate?

Coinciding with Trajan’s assault of Kanem-Bornu, Thomas Peters decides to try his hand once more in doing something he’s famously good at doing - killing the Alaouites. “You dare, challenge me?” Ismail Bin Sharif taunts. His swords and faith will triumph over anything advanced the Sierra Leonese bring. And theres good reason to believe that if precedent stands…

98: Actually We Like Being Racist

The red flags of the communist lay shriveled in dirt. The Taino Spirit Guard stand at the ready, at the call of their chief Agueybano. It was all a setup. He had puppeteered the Taino into disliking each other, discriminating against the Floridian minorities in the north and calling for integrationism. The declines in conditions right after the takeover were his doing, as his loyal guards looted every repository the communists held. He cackles. No need for facades now.

The Taino adopt Autocracy

99: Middle Aged Philarmonic

We get a look at the pitiful core of the Tiwanaku. Huystus can only reminisce of the glory days of the Tiwanaku empire, when they were a threat and actually relevant. Instead, he now sits blankly in his palace, idly watching time float by. Orlando de Lassus, a notable middle-aged composer, well favoured by the middle aged looking king, has been given the orders of entertainment. The lyres and organs were unfortunately not going to be enough to lift his dour mood. And so, the plan got into his head. One night, when Huystus was going back to bed, he saw an unexpected sight. His cherished muse, on the bed, before him. “I suppose, since we’re here, we can be together for a bit?”

The door closed shut. No one else was allowed to go in

100: A War We Didn’t Recall

Ehm… shifting away from… that, we bring forth to a war that has been criminally underrated these past few episodes - the Afsharid-Bukhara war. Herat is deep in the red, prime for a flip into Afsharid hands. While the rest of Bukharas lands will be far harder to pierce through, a long term war will not go well for Bukhara, even with Nader Shah being as lazy as he is. We also say hello to Bukharan great musician Van Morrison, a Northern Irish RNB starlet irl.

101: Ragequit

Welp, looks like losing Malkerns was enough to make Nzinga ragequit on the war with Eswatini. While still a smashing success, not securing Malkerns is definitely a sting to Ndongo’s reputation and strength. In the meantime, Eswatini forces celebrate their survival, retaking the city and holding a mainland presence for just a bit longer.

102: Unoptimized Production

We take a short gander over into one of the major cores of the Faroes monster of an empire - Newfoundland. A land of fish and ice. Theres still much more land and army to be optimized. The Faroes probably should move that fleet eastwards to support the offensive against England. In fact, do they really need that many ships in the first place? Wouldn’t a bit of a land force prove to be useful for taking and holding inland? I don’t mind though, since sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie.

103: Peacekeepers BTFO

Ecuador and Mexico are now at war! Unfortunately for Maximilian, and us bloodsucking spectators, nothing is due to happen. An attack through Panama is all but impossible, given the AI’s propensity to have horrific unit management and the incredibly small space provided to move units. And while normally Ibarra would be wide open for the taking, Johan Maurits, the fun ruiner that he is, has parked a significant peacekeeping force around Ecuador’s cities, preventing any meaningful progress from being made in the area. I swear man the Mauritshuis is a kilometer away from me I’m gonna make that man pay.

104: Surely Saba

Taking advantage of the power vacuum made by the ragequit, Saba troops march into Malkerns, securing the city for the Queen of Sheba once and for all. While a couple of Eswatini muskets remain within Mogadishu lands to potentially go for a snipe, long term, the supply lines are

105: Dark Times

“That smile is the face of the devil.”

That was all that Rama V could think of Lee Kwan Yew when the peace negotiations were done. He had preserved the nation, but at what cost. His offensive was an abject failure. The capital and a strategic coastal city were lost. His position is even more hemmed in. There are few silver linings aside from knowing that he has not lost the Burmese coast. And the wars not done yet. Reports are there are Goguryeo soldiers in the north, pouncing about ready to strike. The Plight of Rama V may not be over just yet.

106: Russo-Iranian Collusion

We take a small look at the inside of the Afsharid empire. Not much to notice here, though the abundance of rifles, cannons and cavalry have shown signs of a successful army reform programme and a great leapfrogging in tech. We also witness upon Soviet comedy singer Vladimir Vyotsotsky, chilling around here with his Persian buddies, giving jested critiques of Afsharid failures and incompetences.

107: Well That Was Disappointing

Koxinga, buddy, wow. I hyped you up and this is how you repay me. You peaced out with the Ikko Ikki despite there being no opposition. They must’ve used some fine psychological trickery, because long term you could’ve netted at least one city from them. What a waste of what I thought would be an exciting war.

108: Wahgi Interventionism

Bolim is a funny man. You see, the Wahgi are so ahead of everyone else on the stat sheet that they see the very concept of war and expansion as primitive and savage. Instead, he has decided to simply send in some planes overseas to heavily tip the scales in favour of one side. His next project? Nivkh. Those idiots had it too good for too long. It is time to show them the arsenal of autocracy.

109: Theories of Aerial Warfare

We end the episode with one last gander back at the Nivkh-Thule war. With our powers of omniscience, we can commandeer a Thule Interwar Bomber to get a birds eye view of just what is going on. On the ground, the Thule are fighting a losing battle, with few troops landing anywhere. And yet, Viskyo is in the black, ready for the taking at any moment. We’re going over to our chief analyst Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, revolutionary general and military legend, how do you feel about the Thule tactics

…

Oh right, he can’t talk to us, only to other people in the digital realm. But if he could talk, I bet he’d say something about technological superiority never surpassing moral and logistical superiority. The Nivkh, after all, have a mighty navy, just condensed in the ice, ready to pounce against the oh-so inferior Thule. I would give more riveting analysis but I see a really big mountain right ahead of me and time runs thin. Thank you all for reading the episode! Sorry the heavy delay amidst all the uncertainty and strangeness in the world. And just from me to you - You can make it. Even through all thats bad right now, you can overcome the pains and issues, and like the Nivkh, bounce back into stronger form. And thats truly all folks. This has been JDT1706, and in case I don’t see you again, good day, good evening, and good night.

Oh shit I forgot to record the beginning. Let me get at it. Gilbert, take the pilots seat for a second, ummm… *Clears throat.* Good Evening everyone, and welcome to the Civilization Battle Royale!

Episode 30: Don’t Rely On Other Civs – S4

Abstract