Episode 39: New World Nightmare

1: Intro

From the Everglades to Eastern Europe, the sky is clotted by the smoke of high-explosives, and those acrid clouds quiver against death’s haggard grin. Is this the future we made for ourselves…?

Thankfully not; it is episode 39 of the Civ Battle Royale X4! My name is GBlazeMan, and I’m taking a break from my role as the #1 Wahgi apologist, to instead bring to you an entirely unbiased and reasonable narration of this week’s episode. Thanks for being here, and thanks to the team for putting me on.

Without further ado, let’s get into an episode that promises a lot of digital violence, intelligent(?) plays, and hilarious moments that we will later struggle to recount to our loved ones, who will be charmed and bemused in equal measure.

2: Pacific Pals Episode 38

This week's installment of u/Orangechrisy’s excellent OC series highlights the importance of positive reinforcement when training the next generation in the art of war. As a Thule enjoyer, I relate to Idol Gwanggaeto’s look of genuine dread in the second panel; now that Kennyo’s murderous intent has awoken, who knows what he’ll do!

3: Sonicfan’s Episode 38 Map

It wouldn’t be CBRX without u/Sonicfan0511’s weekly map. This week’s cartographical offering reveals the extent of Ikko-Ikki’s gains in North America; I don’t think any of us ever expected their grey-brown hue to grace the shores of the new world. It just goes to show that in the CBR, anything is possible, as long as it involves a degree of artificial imperialism.

4: Manifesting Abundance

Let’s take this moment to appreciate all the wonderful people who donate towards the CBRX on Ko-fi. If you’re an avid reader and you haven’t already, consider donating; it helps us purchase more parts for the sub’s nuclear reactor, and keeps us from plummeting into the briny deep.

5: Saba D’mt

Our featured PR slide for the week is Saba, who tied with Thule as the biggest losers of episode 38. Still, I choose to highlight Makeida here, because Thule were always going to get cooked eventually, whereas Saba actually had great prospects going into the season, with their powerful Golden Age-boosting UA and a strong pattern of early settles.

But in the royale, you either use it, or lose it, and in Makeida’s case, her inability to score wins over her neighbours, who all ranked below her at one point or another, set the tone for a season of close calls and disappointing results. Kanem-Bornu, Mogadishu, and now, Sierra Leone, have taken turns dunking on the beleaguered civ, and it has seen them to the undesirable position of 26/31 as we head into this week’s episode.

6: They Know Me Where it Snows

We begin the episode with a haymaker of a DoW, as Vonya Warlord (The Selkups) shoots an arrow in the doorpost of Karlis Ulmanis (Latvia).

For the Selkups, this is a logical step, as it builds on their westward expansion that started with Kazakhstan, and continued through Kazan. While Latvia may be on par in terms of tech, the Selks boast a 2-to-1 advantage in production and manpower, which matters a lot in a war fought on flat, open ground.

For Latvia, this is a make-or-break moment; they have NEVER fought a civ of The Selkups’ class, and could lose everything if they can’t muster an adequate defence. Nevertheless, war brings opportunity, and Ulmanis is ever the shrewd leader; perhaps he can guide his countrymen unscathed through this tumult.

As the opening shots tear across the countryside, we see the Latvian cities of Oral, Ventspils and Valmiera, all bombed to ribbons by Vonya’s substantial air force; 114 planes strong on this slide alone. Whew, this is a wild start. As the great KSI once said: “I’m in the thick of it / everybody knows.”

7: The Cruelest Fates

We turn to Isla de los Estadós, and find the mighty emperor Puni making his last stand against New Holland’s navy. Cooped up in the port city of Collon-Cura, the emperor spends his days bemoaning the cold weather, and ruminating on the circumstances that led him to this point. After the slow misery of the Wahgi invasion, a quick death to Maurits’s hunters seems a mercy to him. It’s certainly preferable to being rumped, and having the good name of Bora spoken alongside the visigoths. Puni shivers. This cylinder is so very cold.

08: Dwindling

From the steady creep of frostbite to the blazing heat of battle, we see Sierra Leone’s armies moving into Saba D’mt’s core. Thomas Peters moves without mercy in his quest for african unification, and seems intent on crushing Makeida’s people against the shores of the red sea as he pushes inexorably towards his goal.

Peace may be the only option left to Makeida, should she wish to remain in the game, but slaking Peters’ thirst for blood may require a sacrifice that Saba’s ruler is unwilling to make. For now, she fights on, her entrenched units around Adulus and Ma’rib fighting furiously to keep their foe at bay. But there is hunger in the eyes of Peters’ troops; they see Thomas’ vision, and they won’t stop until we see it too.

09: In the Aeroplane over Kazan

A fresh round of DoW’s hits the screen, most of which are aimed squarely at Kazan. While the Faroes are a terrifying foe, the real threat is Latvia, who, despite their war with Selkups, still outrank Kazan in every metric.

But there’s a wrinkle: Latvia’s armies are out of position, engaged in defending their borders from Vonya’s horde. Conversely, Kazan’s entire military has Alexandrovsk surrounded, and the former Makhnovian exclave is in the red… Could this backfire on Ulmanis?

Up north, we see Latvian tanks trade shots with Selkup anti-air units as their war kicks into high-gear, while in the Kazan city of Bolgar, acclaimed folk artist Jeff Mangum (of Neutral Milk Hotel fame) proclaims Möxämmädämin the ‘King of Carrot Flowers.’ The people clap, and wonder why this American guy is wailing over a musical saw.

10: The Squeeze

In Scandinavia, the Ume-Sami grate their teeth. They’ve finally worked out how to click the declare war button, with their first target being Kazan; the only problem is, they don’t share a border with Kazan. Who would have thought?

Perhaps the Ume would be better served by declaring war on Latvia? After all, if the Selkups are able to conquer Ume’s southern neighbour, then that will leave the Sami trapped between the Faroes and the Selks. In other words, this Selkup / Latvia war is the Ume-Sami’s last chance at relevancy. Will they capitalise on it?

What do you think?

11: The Babylonians Weep

A single tear graces my ‘F’ key. It is with a heavy heart that I announce the death of Bora-Bora. Emperor Puni, his nose turned to the sky, is put to death by Johan Maurits, and Collon-Cura returns to the hands of a South American civ.

In CBR history, few civs have captured the hearts of fans like Bora-Bora. A pacific island civ with a charming design, and brought to life by u/Orangechrisy’s depiction of them as a mass of tiny island entities, Bora-Bora became an early favourite when they simultaneously forward-settled Rio Grande, Tehuelche and Tiwanaku in episode 3 by yeeting a city on South America. With that play, the concept of Boralief came into focus, with fans urging Emperor Puni to go all the way and become the dominant power on the continent.

However, if Bora-Bora was to live up to expectations, they would have to navigate a treacherous path. Premature wars against Rio Grande and Tehuelche endangered Bora’s colony, and while they were busy competing in the new world, their pacific homeland became a hyper-competitive theatre, with Maguindanao, Zheng, Noongar, Palawa and the much-maligned Wahgi all gunning for the status of Pacific Powerhouse. But Puni was undeterred; episode 9-12 saw the Emperor make gains in an early coalition against non-starter Rio Grande, consolidating their place in South America, while concurrently, they constructed one of the pacific’s most fearsome fleets.

Perhaps Bora-Bora’s most dynamic moment was their initial declaration of war against Tiwanaku, and the simultaneous war that was fought against the Wahgi in episode 17. At that time, both Tiwanaku and Wahgi were thought to be the stronger nations - regardless, Puni held his own on both fronts, masterfully splitting his Pacific navy and SA land units to ensure that he made no losses, and even gained the city of Cạcapava Do Sul from Tiwanaku. On the back of these wars, the number of Boralievers skyrocketed, with popularity polls placing them number one. Following these wars, Bora would enter an era of peace, consolidating their gains and filling in the home-islands.

And then, in episode 25, Puni showed his hand, joining a coalition with Ecuador and New Holland against Tiwanaku that would prove to be his shining moment. As the native South Americans struggled to push into Tiwanaku by land, Bora-Bora brought their naval and land units together in an offensive of epic proportions, one that wrenched Tiwanaku down from their high PR rank, whilst transforming Bora-Bora into the ascendant civ in South America. Any civ would have been proud of such a victory, but Puni was not yet done, and only an episode after the war with Tiwanaku had drawn to a close, Bora-Bora engaged the Tehuelche. By the end of the war, Tehuelche had vanished, and Bora-Bora received their highest PR rank yet: #6. Not bad, for a civ that was initially ranked #37th. That was episode 31.

Then, in episode 32, the worst possible thing came to pass. While Bora had been making their name in the South American campaigns, their neighbour and rival had been growing into something fierce, and terrible. The Wahgi had become a technological superpower through their wars against Maguindanao, Zheng and Siam, and were now the #1 civ, infamous for their utilization of peacekeeper tactics. Now, however, those units revealed their true colours, and they were not the hues of pacifism, but the blood red of violence. The Wahgi declared war on Bora-Bora, and a collective anguish overtook the community.

The war; well, I don’t think I’m the best person to analyse it, my biases lying where they do. At this point in the game, any civ to become the focus of Bo’lim’s wrath was surely doomed, and even the mighty Bora-Boran navy could only do so much against the clouds of helicopters, shoals of submarines and waves of destroyers that were pouring out of Wahgi. But I’ve got to give it to Puni, he fought a valiant defence, capitalizing on every flaw in his enemy’s strategy. Wahgi’s unit management was… painful, and wasteful, and Puni fought tooth-and-nail to hang on to every single city that the purple wave assaulted. Even Palawa tried to get in on the action, but while Puni was down, he was not out, and his defense of his antarctic colonies made a mockery of Palawa’s limp-wristed attack.

Nevertheless, no amount of Boralief could save our heroes from the Wahgi, dubbed a stage-hazard by many commentators, and by episode 35, Puni had been expelled from his home in the pacific islands and relegated to his new world second-core. Even now, the embers of hope burned, and some wondered if Bora might still be able to compete as a South American civ, once the war ended. Well, the war did end; by then, the Wahgi had pushed Bora back to just a handful of settlements on the east coast of South America. It is therethat Johan Maurits decided the Bora-Boran dream would come to an end. And it is there that Puni was eliminated, in 30th place (ain’t no way I’m putting them below Shang).

Bora-Bora were exciting. Their memes, hilarious. Their plays, possessing an almost mystical quality. When the Wahgi declared that fateful war, I celebrated, because I’m a Wahgi fan. But as I draw to this eulogy’s end, I feel deeply pained. Without their antics and coral stylings, the cylinder feels a colder place. A darker place. It is a place where our friend once fought valiantly. Now, we must let him rest. F’s for Bora-Bora, and godspeed, you beautiful civ.

12: A Red Letter Day (for the Visigoths)

The people of the Visigoths have taken to the streets, flying banners high and singing songs of revelry. Why, you ask? Because they have entered the Industrial age! Very exciting stuff, I’m sure this dramatic forward leap in technology portends great things for Leovigild and co.

However, if you plan on joining the celebration, please try to ignore the Faroese Giant Death Robots that linger in the distance.

13: Grains in an Hourglass

Up in North America, we see the Osage making a push for the Senecan city of Kaoto, which was nabbed from Yellowknives last episode. The Osage have the units they need to take the city, but the two-tile gap between the blue-ridge mountains and the Taino border will surely slow down their progres. Terrain is saving Seneca’s ass for now, and the Osage have no navy to circumvent it. For now, they push into the breach, knowing that every unit that makes it to Kaoto’s walls is time ticking down for the Senecan defence.

14: Two-pronged

Valmiera falls to the Selkups, and Vonya’s forces push forward towards Jelgrava, while further north, her grip closes around the city of Oral on Kolguyev island. It will fall to Latvia’s sizable white sea fleet to attempt a recapture, but they’ve got an uphill battle ahead of them, as Vonya is clearly committing to this campaign.

15: Immersive Sim

Over to Goguryeo now, where Gwanggaeto watches the launch of the Citadel Station, a powerful Future Era wonder that provides +2 science from science specialists, +2 production from engineer specialists, and +2 gold from both types of specialists. This is yet another powerful boon for the #1 ranked civ. This wonder is a reference to System Shock, which I haven’t played, but I’ve seen that scary computer lady; the idea of Goguryeo possessing such an entity is worrying indeed.

16: Faultline, Faultbearer

In Africa, Adulus falls to Sierra Leone’s armies, while Ma’rib’s health wallows in the black. It looks like Saba’s collapsing quickly now, and though the terrain is favourable for a defensive posture, that alone won’t keep thomas Peters at bay.

During a meeting with her military advisors in the capital of Azeba, Makeida Warlord is startled, as a clangorous eruption shakes the military HQ. Her aides rush to assist her, but Makeida pushes them away and sucks air through her teeth.

“Peters…” she hisses. “That arrogant swine is never satisfied.” The warlord knows she needs an exit strategy, as Sierra Leone’s troops have entered capital territory, but she has yet to formulate one that allows her to maintain her pride.

17: The Ecstacy of Gold

In a David and Goliath-type switch up, Kazan have successfully wrested Alexandrovsk from the hands of Karlis Ulmanis. This is not good for Latvia, their hands already overflowing with Selkup piss. While Latvia should be able to recapture Alexandrovsk, the Selkups have an open path to Jelgrava; all they have to do is start walking.

In Alexandrovsk, a lone rifleman hovers a hand over his hip holster, as the sounds of Great Musician Ennio Morricone echo from a nearby radio. Morricone is best known for his compositional work on the Dollars trilogy of westerns, and before his passing in 2020, he scored over four-hundred films! Undoubtedly one of the GOAT composers, R.I.P.

18: Flip-flop

Back to the SL/Saba war. Makeida has successfully retaken Adulus, but in the same breath, Sierra Leone’s forces make headway towards capital territory by capturing Ma’rib.

As ever, Thomas Peters is throwing everything at this war, and the fractures in Makeida’s defence are beginning to show, but one has to wonder if Peters wouldn’t be better served by spending this time consolidating his North African gains. After all, his core is looking mighty sparse; all it would take is a single DoW from Ndongo or the Faroes to put him on the back foot.

And what of Mogadishu and Pontus? Both civs could stand to make major gains by attacking Saba right now, but it seems that neither civ is eager to throw themselves into this bumrush.

19: The Enemy of my Enemy…

Vonya’s forces continue their push into Latvia as Jelgava falls. Karlis Ulmanis has ordered a significant naval contingent to recapture Ventspils, but a look south-west reveals a core that is barren of units and ripe for the taking.

Latvia’s saving grace is the Selkups’ lack of melee units. Vonya can throw all the planes and rocket artillery she wants at this war, but she needs tanks if she hopes to capture and secure the Latvian core. What’s more, every step her units take into Europe is a step away from her border with Goguryeo.

Meanwhile, Alexandrovsk has yet to be retaken by Latvia, as Kazani troops dig their heels in, refusing to be relegated to a rump state. This narrator loves an underdog story, and wishes nothing but success to Möxämmädämin’s troops.

20: …Is No Longer my Enemy

Recognizing how precarious his position has become, Karlis Ulmanis makes the smart decision of peacing-out with Kazan, ceding Alexandrovsk in the process. This has been an excellent play on the part of Möxämmädämin, who would have surely lost the city had he continued to oppose Latvia; instead, he has regained much of the territory that was lost to Latvia’s brutal citadel campaign.

However, this deal was necessary for Ulmanis, whose hands are full with trying to halt Vonya’s wave-based assaults. Up north, his forces have managed to retake Jelgava; now that he doesn’t have to worry about Kazan, perhaps he will be able to commit the resources necessary to deny Vonya any further gains.

21: Tόrshavn Skycicle

To the Faroe Islands now, where Tróndur’s engineers have completed the Tokyo Sky Tree wonder. It… sucks major ass, providing +4 Happiness, +2 Culture and +3 Gold, as well as +1 Happiness and +1 Culture per broadcast tower in the Faroese empire. Perhaps Tróndur is hoping to stock up on Happiness, as his empire has historically lagged behind the other global powers when it comes to quality-of-life stats.

22: No Kowtowing at Kaoto

Back to NA, where Pawuskha’s units continue to throw down their lives beneath the walls of Kaoto. The Osage recognise Seneca as their final chance at making easy gains against a weaker neighbour, and will do anything to wrench Kaoto from Cornplanter’s weathered hands. Capturing the city would also open up an opportunity for a pincer assault on the Senecan core, via Kaoto and Pituffik. For now though, all Pawuskha can do is send a few more infantry into the breach, and pray that this war doesn’t aggravate any of the great powers that surround him.

23: Koido to Port Loco across the Decks of Destroyers

We get a look at the sea border between Sierra Leone and Ndongo. Time may prove this a warzone, as Thomas Peters’ penchant for consecutive offensive campaigns suggests that Ndongo could be next to the chopping block after Saba. To alleviate this worry, Nzinga seeks a friendship with Akaitcho of the Yellowknives, earning her some much needed diplomatic capital. I doubt that this move would dissuade Peters, dogged as he is in his pursuit of African unity, but perhaps it will help the people of Ndongo sleep a little easier at night.

24: Indian Ocean Storage Solutions

Bo’lim. My guy! My DAWG! Fresh off his conquest of Bora-Boran south america, the emperor continues ignoring his debt collectors. Instead, he spends his days sending massive fleets to glare menacingly at Noongar. Some may call it a waste of resources, but I call it peak strategy. These particular units seem to have been displaced by an expired open-border agreement, but I hesitate to guess which one. Regardless, this flotilla is less a fighting force, more a burden on Wahgi’s ever-expanding deficit.

25: Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fire an assault rifle, and hoo boy we eatin’ now!

In Bavarian territory, we get a look at a new unit: Special Forces. It is alleged that this particular company of Faroese Special Forces is manned by former Grindadráp sailors, who have decided to utilise their naval prowess for warmongering.

Special Forces are skilled in embarked combat, and can paradrop, making them ideal for island-hopping and cross-continental campaigns. They could prove a major boon to the Faroes, who no doubt will be looking to make use of the Atlantic as a future avenue of attack.

26: Pure Grit and Bankruptcy

Never to be outdone, the Wahgi have unveiled their own shock troopers, the Wahgi Airborne Forces; ironically stationed within Faroese territory. Damn it Bo’lim, get your own lands! Nevertheless, while the Wahgi can celebrate this new addition to their military, they lack the crucial resource that would allow them to stock up on these units: money.

The unit icon looks cool, though, so W Bo’lim.

27: A Moment’s Relief

Having ended their war with Kazan, the southernmost contingents of the Latvian army now move to reinforce Jelgava. However, the Selkups are preparing to redouble their offensive, and have stationed a substantial number of units around Valmiera and Cheboksary as they prepare for the next assault. Around Ventspils, the Latvian White Sea fleet is trying everything in their power to snatch the city from the invaders, but thus far, the Selkups have frustrated their efforts. Latvia are severely handicapped by the separation between their various naval fleets, which are spread across the White, Black and Baltic seas.

However, the loss of Alexandrovsk has, in a way, helped the Latvian defence, as it has narrowed the corridor through which Vonya can advance her armies. Holding Jekabpils and Jelgava is crucial if Ulmanis wishes to exit this war with his empire still intact.

28: Let me Hit the Map Real Quick

It’s a map! These things are the opiates of the 4X community, and it never ceases to amuse me how the in-game maps fail to capture the detail that Sonicfan manages to capture each week, despite being a literal recreation of the data.

A brief scan of this one shows us the extent of New Holland and Sierra Leone’s gains over the last couple of episodes; they’re looking buff. Meanwhile, Wahgi’s South American holdings look like a rash on the continent’s rump, while Latvia are beginning to shrink as the Selkup invasion continues.

29: More! MORE!

Ooh, and now the sea border map. I particularly favour this map, as it makes Wahgi look a lot better… actually, it makes them look like an oil spill across the Pacific. Not a great look, Bo’lim.

This map also shows us that New Holland has roughly the same amount of land/sea territory as Yellowknives. The same goes for Mogadishu and Ndongo, while Saba has experienced significant shrinkage. Someone needs to teach Makeida which clothes can and can’t go in the machine.

30: A Creeping Collapse

Alarms sound across Saba D’mt as Adulus falls to the Sierra Leone army. This leaves Sana’a entirely cut off from the rest of Makeida’s territory, but its defensive position should keep the enemy at bay for now. Saba has assembled a solid defensive line between Azeba and Aden, which they can safely resupply from Hamar Weyne and Tamna. It’ll take a concerted push from Peters, should he wish to silence Makeida once and for all. If I was Abu Bakr ibn Umar of Mogadishu, I would be looking to declare war on Makeida ASAP; never before has their greatest foe looked so vulnerable.

31: Library of Blood

There’s a saying: if something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing twice… or something like that. For Tróndur, this is a misquote to live by, as he builds his second wonder of the episode, the Utsäde Gene Vault. Its boost; +2 science from Nature Preserves, +2 gold from geocentres, and +2 culture from eco-communes; is middling at best, but by building wonders, the Faroes deny these buffs from falling into the hands of Goguryeo or Wahgi, which could make a difference as we approach the endgame total-war. Legend has it that the gene vault contains some DNA thought lost to the cylinder, including that of the long departed Shawnee. Tróndur stares wistfully at the rows upon rows of refrigerated containers, and prays that his own people are never relegated to such an inane existence.

32: God in the Cartography

We turn now to the religion map, which offers us a unique diplomatic perspective on the cylinder. Notable religions include Ikko-Ikki’s Jodo Shinshu, which has been spread throughout Gogurt territory to become a foundational part of their alliance, and the former Alaouite religion of Fat Roog, which I suspect is contributing to the Visigoths’ continued survival; Thomas Peters is less likely to invade Toledo while its people worship a shared god.

The holy wars mod has impacted this game in innumerable ways, from coalition wars to unlikely alliances, and it will be interesting to see if the community decides to keep using it in future seasons.

33: Collapse

Back to Saba D’mt, where Trajan and Nzinga seek a piece of Makeida’s ever-dwindling pie. The effects of Ndongo’s DoW are felt immediately in Sana’a, which has been bombed to the red by Ndongo air brigades; Peters only needs to push forward a couple of tiles, and the city will be his.

A glance across the rest of Makeida’s territory reveals a similarly bleak situation. Her armies have thinned-out dramatically since the last slide, and the concentration of Leonean infantry around Ma’rib are a major cause for concern as Azeba languishes in the red. While Tamna looks to be fairly defensible, with Saba’s red sea fleet on high alert, the rest of Saban territory is on the verge of being overrun.

From the windows of her office, Makeida watches Peters’ SAM units assemble on the hills around the capital, and scrabbles for an answer to this existential threat. She is a proud leader, and is unwilling to let her people catch a glimpse of her growing dismay. But she can deny it no longer; the fracture has grown to unmanageable proportions, and unless she seeks peace, it could portend the collapse of her once-great empire.

34: The Aegis of National Pride

Ulmanis is not to be underestimated. His units have held-fast at Jelgava, and as the bodies of their countrymen have piled around them, their fury has transformed into a concerted counter-offensive on Valmiera. Ventspils remains in Selkup hands, but it is clear now that Vonya won’t have an easy time making further gains in Latvia. Perhaps the taiga-kissed warlord would have been better suited by an invasion of one of her weaker neighbours? Nevertheless, she fights on, gambler's-fallacy be damned.

35: The Greater Good

Well folks, there it is. As the noose threatens to constrict Saba D’mt, Makeida Warlord throws down her hubris and makes peace with Thomas Peters, ceding Sana’a, Aden and Hamar Weyne in the deal.

This war has been an absolutely crushing defeat for Saba, once ranked as the #1 civ on the cylinder (Episode 18 Power Rankings), now reduced to a mere two cities: the capital of Azeba, and the Arabian Peninsula city of Tamna. While for now, the east-african civ seems safe enough; due in no small part to the abundance of Wahgi peacekeepers stationed upon the Saba / Pontus border; it seems that their chance at victory has well and truly slipped from their grasp.

For Thomas Peters, this war further nails home his dominance on the continent, and opens a path into Mogadishu, should he wish to pursue a war with them. The ascendant Leoneans have been on a run as of late, but I think it wise that Thomas does not rush into the next conflict, and instead takes some time to reconsolidate his forces, catch up on some much needed techs, and concoct a plan to defend against the Faroes, should Tróndur decide that he has grown weary of the aspiring-African ruler.

36: A Nasty Case of the Pox

The Afshari DoW on Seneca gives us a chance to look at their core… Or it would, if dear Bol’im hadn’t designated ALL of their territory a troop parking lot. Bol’im, dude, this is precisely why no one likes you. I still love you though. Inundated as they are by Wahgi units, it’s hard to see where the Afsharids can go from here, which is unfortunate, considering the lengths they had to go to in attaining their current strength. Nevertheless, I commend Nader Shah on his air fleets; clearly, this is a leader who understands the debilitating power of an aerial assault.

37: You’ve Got Mail

As his war with the Osage drags on, Cornplanter is dismayed to find his inbox inundated with a number of spam emails. The erstwhile-leader of Seneca is no stranger to DoW’s, but a quick scan of this round reveals some disturbing news; Johan Maurits of New Holland has decided that he wants a slice of the Senecan pie. Uh oh.

While New Holland may not have a substantial force stationed in Nundawao, that single GDR threatens to cut a swathe through Seneca’s backline, cutting off reinforcements to Kaoto, while the 10 planes stationed in the NH city will likely shred the Senecan walls, making Osage’s work a whole lot easier. Still, Seneca has been known to surprise the audience when faced with overwhelming odds. Let’s hope, for Cornplanter’s sake, that this is one of those times.

38: Between the Bellies of Giants

To Zheng now, where the everlasting age of peace offers ample-opportunities for theological philosophising. Today, they have added a reformation belief, which we’ll take a look at in the next slide, but first, I’d like to draw your attention to the DOZENS of Great Generals at their disposal. Any other civ would have utilised these units to cut chunks from the territory of one of their neighbours, but Zheng’s neighbours happen to be two global Superpowers, and so the GG’s remain dormant, ever-waiting for their chance to strike.

It’s easy to count Zheng out at the point, and should the much-dreaded Gogurt or Wahgi DoW ever hit the screen, their breaths will surely be numbered. But I think an avenue of hope still exists for Zheng, and it is that of the patient science turtle. One day, the world will descended into total-war; if Zheng can finish the tech tree before then, and if Goguryeo find themselves engaged by their more powerful neighbours (YK, Selks, Wahgi), then Zheng may be offered an opportunity to sweep into the Gogurt core and make major gains. It’s that, or die slowly in the corner, and with a wallowing effective science of around 550, the Zheng better start getting comfortable.

39: Hopeful Romantic(ism)

Here’s the belief that Zheng picked up. Romanticism offers +2 culture and +1 science for great works, which is… fine? Perhaps they can sway Gwanggaeto into letting them win the game, through fine art and gifts of masonry.

40: They’re Coming for the Chenussy (I am so sorry)

DISASTER! The New Hollandese air units in Nundawao have decimated the Senecan military forces around Kaoto, creating an inroad for Osage’s forces to flip the city! Worse, Ganondagan has been bombed to zero, and may fall to those roving Osage troopers out of Pituffik. Seneca has always had a knack for rebounding from an L, but this situation is looking dicey, even for Cornplanter. He has few units in reserve around Chenussio and Ganondagan, and his enemies clearly taste blood in the water. For now, Seneca’s northern holdings look secure enough; provided Maurits doesn’t send his sizable navy to come and lock them down.

This situation illustrates the danger that great power exclaves pose to weaker civs. All it took was one NH city near their borders to make a mockery of the Senecan defence.

41: Kazmatic

“Ulmanis drops deep, all his cities are red,

I never sleep, cus citadels got rid of our beds,

Beyond the walls of Alexandrovsk, life is defined,

I think of yellow, when I’m in the Kazan state of mind.”

Kazan has generated Nas, one of the greatest rappers of the 90’s and, in this narrator’s opinion, ever. Perhaps it was his slick rhymes, vivid street imagery and era-defining flows that gave Kazan the strength to wrench Alexandrovsk from Latvian hands.

Up north, the Selkups are launching a huge attack on Jelgava, which Latvia looks ill-prepared to withstand.

42: Free Shang out the Pen

Daji can’t be caged. Like a rabid fox, the princess gnashes her teeth against the wall of gogurt that surrounds her, in a vain attempt to get at the throats of the Dzunghars and… the Kalmyks? Damn Daji, what did they do to you? A nearby Singaporean Machine-gunner points and laughs.

The funniest thing that could happen here is if the Dzungars bombed Xiaotun to the black and used a paratrooper to capture the city, but it probably won’t. Rage on, Daji.

43: New Gains, No Troops

Ah, Leonean North Africa. Isn’t it a sight to behold? Actually, where the heck are Peters’ reserves? Right now, it looks like a stiff Faroese breeze could blow SL right back to the walls of Fez, and while Rome might have been severely handicapped in their previous war, I have no doubt that an attack could play havoc with Sierra Leone’s plans for expansion.

44: Ganond’oh!

Senecans lament the loss of Ganondagan to the Osage, as Pawuskha makes peace with Cornplanter. Seneca is now relegated to 3 cities, which are, for now, secure.

I must give props to the Osage, who despite being citadel-ed to high-heaven by YK, have managed to continue making gains in North America. Meanwhile, on the walls of Chenussio, a young Senecan conscript spies something… odd, in the Gulf of Maine. More to follow…

45: Op.45

Vonya increases the pressure against Latvia’s eastern flank. Ulmanis’ navy has vanished from the white sea, leaving Jekabpils blockaded. The city looks set to fall in the coming turns, while Selkup forces descend on Jelgrava in a bid to recapture it; although, I still think Vonya could use a few more melee units in her army.

Amidst the chaos, Soviet-composer Dmitri Shostakovich composes a symphony that captures the fear and resilience of the Latvian people. He is a particularly thematic great person, as in real life, Shostakovich created his subversive musical works in Moscow, not a stone’s throw from where Jelgava is located in-game.

46: Opposite Ends of the Colour Wheel

Two turns later, and Latvian reinforcements rush to relieve the wallowing defence of Jelgava. Massive props to Ulmanis; from these slides, it's impossible to tell that he is fighting at a significant numerical disadvantage… ignoring, of course, Vonya’s planes. It is crucial for Latvia the Jekabpils doesn’t flip, as it’s one of their higher-pop cities. For now, it holds.

47: A Deeply Personal DoW

As Warlord Makeida lounges on the balcony of her Azeba residence, swilling her whiskey and ruminating on the mistakes that have led her to this point, an image leaps unbidden into her mind: Abu Bakr ibn Umar, his face plastered with a wry grin as he lauds over her loses SL. “That does it! It’s one thing for Peters to ransack my lands, but Mogadishu can get stuffed!” With that, she furiously begins typing a message to the Mogadishawe on her Faroe-import smartphone. It reads: ‘I’m coming for Hajar *angry emoji*’

And indeed, this fresh DoW against Mogadishu looks like it could have legs. Ibn Umar’s Arabian holdings aren’t particularly defensible, and with Hajar in the black and tanks rolling towards the city, it seems that the Warlord absolutely refuses to become a rump civ. I respect the gumption, but there’s a small catch: the SL border at Hamar Weyne leaves Saban naval units trapped in the red sea, unable to join the war effort. Still, I admire Makeida’s vigour.

48: Palawing Around

Well, this explains why Makeida feels so confident, as Palawa has also declared war on Mogadishu. However, Tarenorerer probably should have tabled this war, as the island city of Zahran is completely surrounded by Mog’s army, and though Palawa sports more advanced troops, it doesn’t mean much when there’s eight of them against the bulk of Mogadishu’s fleet.

Nevertheless, this war is an interesting development, and while Zahran will almost certainly fall, it’ll be worth watching this space to see if Palawa sends a more sizable naval contingent to harass Mogadishu’s borders. Also, is it just me, or are island battles like this just… so cool. Maybe this is a Wahgi-coded mindset.

49: Cacique and Destroy

It’s a Taino slide, everybody say hi! Things are quiet in the Caribbean, and Agüeybaná seems content, as always, to wile away his days doing chill, island boy things, like generating a unique Great General replacement in the form of Boheicho, a Taino general of history. The UU also begins an Areyto, generating +25% culture and +1 faith on farms until it ends.

Elsewhere in the slide, I spy a significant number of hi-tech New Holland ships making their way North through Faroese territory. I’m sure this isn’t a sign of something terrible…

50: Seamen enter the Waters of the Chenussy

Turns out, it was. An eerily powerful naval fleet has arrived to bring Seneca beneath New Holland’s heel, and I don’t really see how Cornplanter can dodge this warship-size L. As if that wasn’t enough, additional ground units are moving north-east out of Nundawao to ensure that Chenussio is secured as quickly, and efficiently, as possible, and Maurits’s open border agreement with Tróndur means that even Kayahsuto’ke isn’t safe. Seneca is on the verge of leaving the game here; somehow, it saddens me.

51: What!? Reading!? Give me back my Digitized Violence!

It’s the government slides. I know nothing about this mod, or about real life political structures, but I see that Taino has been deemed a popular monarchy. Agüeybaná is no mere island boy; he is an island King, and is well-loved for it.

(I am aware that a popular monarchy is a form of government.)

52: Another One, A-La DJ Khaled

The Kalmyks being a monarchy-in-exile is just so perfect. Based on the number of Kalmyk units we’ve seen around the mediterranean, it seems that Tróndur has offered shelter to Ayukha Khan and his displaced peoples. That’s sweet.

53: For the Horde!

The Despotic Nomadic Horde of New Holland. Hmm, has Cornplanter been writing these slides in secret. Perhaps that’s what he was doing, when he should have been playing the game. Still, I suppose if you can’t beat them, then dissing your enemies is a suitable alternative.

54: Lightly Kneading the Truth

I think Yellowknives being labeled the ‘Earth Liberation Rally’ is a little disingenuous, as Akaitcho is less concerned with environmentalism, and more focused on liberating the souls of North American leaders from their bodies. The YK PR team is doing a lot of work. We see the tanks, Akaitcho.

55: Double-oh Seven (slides)

This is the first of seven slides showing us the spy capacity of each of our beloved civs. In a domination only game, spies aren’t the most useful, but they can steal techs and give sight on enemy cities, which is of middling usefulness.First up, we see that the Faroes have a bunch of agents, all led by Special Agent Naddodd. Saying that word in Welsh is quite humorous; I suggest you load up google translate and hear how it’s pronounced.

56: Gogurtfinger

Goguryeo boasts their own Special Agent, Mr. Han. Every spy we’ve seen so far is based in one of their home country’s cities. In other words, they are achieving diddly-squat.

57: Offensive Spying

Oh, I see that Goguryeo has in fact placed Recruit Kim in Tórshavn, where the Faroes have their own counterspy, Recruit Sigmunder. Expect futuristic shoot-outs, high-speed fishing boat chases, and a bunch of PG-13 rated sex scenes.

58: Leonean Logistics

Ever the aggressor, Thomas Peters is using his spies to good effect, placing Recruit Perkins in the Singaporean city of Kalibangan, and Agent Washington in the Palawan city of Mutawaynatj…? The name cuts off. Still, shout out to Peters for actually using his resources effectively. That’s the ‘HIM’ difference, and Thomas continues to be ‘HIM.’

59: Gungnae for Hire

Here we see that the Afsharids have a spy in Goguryean Gungnae, one Agent Ardashir. This is actually a pretty high-risk high-reward play, as it could nab Nader Shah a bunch of undiscovered techs, but could also serve to piss Gwanggaeto right off. I don’t know about you, but when I play Civ V and find a spy in my city, the civ that sent them goes right on the shit list. Goguryeo do have a spy in the city, but they’re only of recruit rank, so this Afsharid play could have some legs.

60: Wishlist

Here’s the Wahgi spies, and… hey, why am I not on the list? Did Bo’lim not see the Wahgi Propaganda Edit? That was a grade-A international psyop! Pfft, after all the work I put in… anyway, Wahgi has a spy in the YK city of Oraibi, but I'm too mad to name them.

61: Susie and the Wahgis

Meanwhile, the Yellowknnives have a spy in the Wahgi city of Ambang, Agent Joseph “Susie” Drygeese. That’s an interesting handle; perhaps this particular spy is moonlighting as a debonair woman of the night? Either way, Wahgi does have a spy in Ambang, but I doubt Recruit Luluai has the chops to see through Susie’s disguise. Devious play from Akaitcho.

62: Never Sabandon Hope

While we were all distracted reading those slides, Makeida made some impressive gains against Mogadishu, capturing not only Hamar, but also using her airforce and a single stray destroyer to take the island city of Safwan. I have to tip my hat to Makeida here, she’s doing everything in her power to avoid being rumped. However, Mogadishu forces are en route, and there’s almost no chance that Saba can keep these cities. Still, the population loss will hurt Mogadishu’s science a bit, and that’s the sort of spiteful play that we love to see.

63: Qarmed and Dangerous

Unsurprisingly, Mogadishu retakes Hajar and… liberates Safwan!? Well I’ll be damned, welcome back, Quarmatians. This is a particularly silly liberation, as the Qarm border will stop Mog from reinforcing their holdings on the Arabian Peninsula, leaving them wide open to Makeida’s attacks. If any play could be described as wacky, zany, and goofy ah, then this is it.

On Safwan, Abu Tahir al-Jannabi dusts himself off and looks across the sea to his lost Arabian holdings, now occupied by the very dogs that tore him to shreds. He is angered, but also grateful to breathe the sea air once again. As his advisors swarm him, amazed by his resurrection, a single phrase is uttered by the disgraced King: “Qarmback 2.0 begins now…”

64: Chenussy Or Bust… Nah I take it back, this is just sad :(

Senecan refugees pile into ferries across the St. Lawrence River, with most carrying only the clothes on their backs. These are the evacuees of Chenussio and Kinngait, forced from their homes in the early hours of the morning as Maurits’s gunships fired salvo after salvo of heavy artillery into the urban zones. Both cities are now under New Holland’s control, and there isn’t a hope in hell for Cornplanter to retake them; the Senecan leader can be found boarding one of the boats to Kayahsuto’ke, wearing the same haggard expression as his people.

In Kayahsuto’ke, an ageing Senecan woman grabs the collar of one of the lingering Wahgi Peacekeepers. “Why won’t you help us!?”, she wails, enraged by the soldier’s lackadaisical expression. However, the soldier does not speak Seneca; indeed, he doesn’t even speak Danish, despite having spent the last three years in Faroese territory. He merely shrugs, and indicates the refugee shelter, in which the woman will spend the next few weeks, silently praying for salvation from Maurits’s iron wrath.

65: Safwan Ain’t Safe

Abu Tahir Al’Jannabi doesn’t even get a moment to enjoy his miraculous rebirth, as he receives twin war declarations from Singapore and… Rozvi? Maybe Changamire Dombo thinks he can take the as-yet undefended city, but he’ll have to beat Singapore to the punch. Lee Kuan Yew’s path to capturing Safwan is much clearer, provided the Wahgi artillery flotilla moves out of the way.

Meanwhile, the frontline between Saba and Mogadishu has remained stationary, but I wouldn’t count Makeida out just yet; if I can say one thing for the Warlord, it is that she really, really hates Mogadishu.

66: Horsing around with Nuclear Weapons

We get a shot of the Dzungar core, as Galdan Khan is next to complete the Manhattan project. That’s all well and good, but I’d fancy this civ’s chances a whole lot more if their carpet didn’t look like a screenshot from Barbie’s Horse Adventure. Nevertheless, the presence of the atomic bomb within Dzungar borders should dissuade their neighbours from declaring war… for now.

67: Fightless Kiwi

In a blink, the Mogadishawe navy wrenches Zahran from Palawa’s hands. This will make up for some of the population lost in Arabia, and only time will tell if a larger Palawan fleet is coming to exact revenge on Ibn Umar’s people. In the Zahran zoo, a pair of Mogadishu sailors come across a strange being - a flightless bird with a thick plumage and a long, slender beak. “What is it?” asks the first sailor. “I don’t know,” his friend replies, “But I think we should call it an Eswatini.”

68: Qarma

The Qarmatians are immediately shoved back into the grave they just crawled out of, as Singapore takes Safwan, bringing an end to our collective dreams of a true Qarmback. Still, Ibn Umar can sleep soundly tonight, knowing that he gave his friend a brief second chance at life. F Qarms. (More like L Qarms, amirite?)

Meanwhile, Hajar has flipped to Saba, and it looks like Makeida has a good shot at securing it, along with Qatif, as the Singaporean border is blocking Mogadishu from reinforcing the peninsula. This has all worked out quite nicely for Makeida, if you ignore the whole ‘losing eighty percent of her empire’ thing.

69: Senecan’t Survive

As Maurits’s troops move in on Kayahsuto’ke, we see that he has generated a great musician. Alla Rakha was most notable for playing Tabla alongside Ravi Shankar, and is credited with introducing the instrument to western audiences. The Senecan refugees cower in fear as they hear the sound of rhythmically complex hand percussion emerging from the St. Lawrence’s southern bank, while the Wahgi peacekeepers do a little dance. Anything to break the monotony of sitting in this frozen hell.

70: Third Time’s the Qarm

Wow, this is just plain disrespectful. Learning from his mistakes, Ibn Umar employs his necromantic arts again as he resurrects the Qarmatians for a second time; now, he has summoned Abu Tahir al-Jannabi in Hajar, right in the path of the oncoming Sabean army. It seems that, for now, Qatif will remain out of Makeida’s clutches, and Saba D’mt will be denied any gains in this last-ditch war against Mogadishu.

None of al-Jannabi’s advisors were awaiting him, upon his resurrection in Hajar. They had all been put to the sword by Lee Kwan Yew’s death squads in Safwan. Never to be deterred, the ghostly leader took to the city’s walls, and proclaimed, with all his vigour: “QARMBACK MK. 3!!!”

71: A Single, Contested Step

Back in Europe, the Selkups have pushed through Latvia’s defenses and taken Jekabpils, assembling a solid line of rocket Artillery to dissuade any pushback. While I don’t think the door has shut for Ulmanis just yet, things ain’t looking hot for the Latvian leader. When last we checked in on the White Sea frontline, Jekabpils seemed secure, but in such a grindfest war, the civ with the greater production is always going to come out on top.

But are the Selkups really gaining that much? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Mk.2 Yakutia fan, and want nothing more than to see Vonya conquer Eurasia with fire and glory, but Oral, Ventspils and Valmiera all seem to be stuck at one pop, and a one pop city isn’t much use to anybody. Perhaps it’s because the lands surrounding these cities have been heavily ransacked during the efforts to capture them, or perhaps, it is because they are tundra cities in revolt; either way, it’ll be a long time before Vonya can start reaping the rewards of this conquest.

72: It ain’t about a War’s size, It’s About Who’s Fighting It

Gone are the days when the Taino were content with one slide per episode; they’ve stepped up and declared war on the Osage, immediately sending troops to capture Kaoto. While I admire the balls that this must have taken on the part of Agüeybaná, the Osage are famous for their poblometrics, and will bring that grit, heart, clutch etc. to bear against their Caribbean foe. Pawuskha’s forces look well positioned to make the most out of this war.

A quick glance to the top of the screen reveals that Seneca still remains in the game. I suspect Cornplanter is scrambling for assets to leverage in a peace deal with New Holland, but at this point, what does he have to give? Only tears.

73: Ballin’ Out in the Baltic

Latvia has managed to retake Jekabpils, but that’s all the good news I have to offer Karlis Ulmanis as the Selkup lines move to secure Jelgava. A brief glance of the slide tells a sad tale; there are a lot more green units on-screen than pastel-red units. The Latvian White Sea fleet has been ground down to a sorry assortment of damaged vessels, and it won’t be long before Vonya begins to encroach on the former territory of the Finns.

The one saving grace for Latvia, is that the Selkups seem to be working from the carrier-spam playbook’ I count no less than 41 of them on this slide, with only about half of them bearing any actual planes. I also don;t see too many Selkup reinforcements in the eastern portion of the screenshot, so perhaps there is hope for Ulmanis, if he can weather this most vicious assault.

74: Big Star, Big War

The Taino should have thought twice about their DoW on the Osage, as Pawuskha’s forces are now swarming Kaoto. This is a great example of the importance closed-borders can have in a war; when the Osage were trying to take Kaoto from Seneca, the Taino border massively reduced the number of troops they could bring to bear. Now, Taino’s Kaoto is set to fall, and Agüeybaná will have to construct a solid defense around Fernandina, if he wishes to keep his mainland dreams alive. To boost morale, Memphis-based Power Pop band Big Star has arrived in the bahamas; they are best known as the progenitors of Alternative Rock, which is no small claim to fame.

I also want to note the strong Wahgi presence in the former-Mexican city of Monterrey. Even this tiny fragment of Bo’lims forces could challenge New Holland’s reign over South America. And really, they need to do so, as the Wahgi risk throwing away their substantial milscore lead with each turn they remain inactive.

75: Fear the One-Tile Gap

Is it just me who didn’t realise that Bukhara and Kazan were still at war? Nevertheless, we see an exceedingly common Bukhara W, as they make peace with Kazan, gaining Bolgar in the negotiations. This is an excellent gain for King Shaybani, as Bolgar could act as a staging ground for a more concerted incursion into Kazan in the future. Bukhara once again proves that a civ’s popularity isn’t based on how big they are, but on how willing they are to actually play the game.

76: Building Stuff Because He Can

Back to Tόrshavn, where the Faroes have built yet another wonder, the Kalt Geymsla Data Haven. It provides +2 Great Scientist points, and increases the yields of tundra and snow tiles worked in the city by +2 Culture and +2 Science, as well as offering +2 Gold for each server hub in the empire. This is a very fitting wonder for the Faroes to build, but maybe Trόndur should have constructed it somewhere other than a three-tile island. A mid-wonder, utilised in a middling fashion.

77: Time’s Up

And now, I must announce the death of Seneca, as Johan Maurits finally makes his way into Kayahsuto’ke, putting every Senecan national to the sword as he goes, and finishing with the murder of dear Cornplanter. This is the second civ that New Holland has taken out of the game this episode, and the fifth overall; Maurits has no mercy for his enemies, and is the #1 civ killer in the game.

Seneca were… Well, I’ll just quote Leman from the episode 5 power rankings: “Seneca is washed.” You know the story. Ranked #2 in the pt.0 power rankings, Seneca were expected to be the premiere North American power, an autocratic behemoth that dominated test-games. But when it came time for Cornplanter to step up in CBRX 4, the Senecan leader just kinda… sat there. He sat there, while the Osage menaced the lowlands and great lakes region. He settled Kanawagas on the south coast, only to have it wrenched from his hands by the Osage. Seneca were passive, showing none of the vigour that the community had expected them to display.

But you know what? They also had their moments. In episode 13, they yoinked the city of Sandur from the Faroes; at that time, the #1 civ. And when the Faroes came knocking, they fought a surprisingly savvy defence, though, the Faroes certainly could have tried a bit harder to take Kayahsuto’ke. At one point, they were the victim of a coalition against the Crow, Yellowknives, Mexico, Osage, Pueblo, and the Thule, and while they did not emerge unscathed, they also didn’t die. They held out. And in their many wars against the Osage, they always managed to hold their own; despite Osage’s clear advantages.

But, at the end of the day, standing so inhumanly still that people mistake you for a forest is not a winning strategy, and it ill-prepared Seneca for the day a true threat rolled in. We all thought it would be the Faroes, who would show Cornplanter to his grave; after all, they had a grudge to bear against North America’s most relaxed rump. Alas, it was not to be, and New Holland, a civ that lies on the opposite end to Seneca on the crashout spectrum, decided that today was the day that Cornplanter would meet his end. To close, I will reiterate my words from the part 35 Power Rankings: Seneca never stood a chance, but they danced. F Seneca.

78: Harder, Better, Faster, Pawuskha

Osage forces continue to push towards former-floridian territory, and while Kaoto is yet to fall, Taino’s presence in North America is beginning to thin. Their navy is en-route to try and hold back Pawuskha’s horde; with a tactical application of their air force, they may keep their enemy at bay for a while longer.

However, the Osage have the power of French House music on their side, and the pumping bass of Daft Punk’s All Around the World drives each step of their war. All around the world is a lofty goal for Pawuskha, one that I suspect will never be fulfilled.

79: Visigonners

Sensing Leovigild’s weakness (and really, who doesn’t?), Bukhara and Bavaria DoW the Visigoths. This gives us an opportunity to take a look at Iberia, and golly, there’s a lot of different unit colours. For one, check out the Wahgi units stationed in Faroese territory. We know Bo’lim has no qualms in killing off weaklings; perhaps Leovigild is next to the block? Kalmyks, Ndongo, New Holland, Mexico, Pontus; even the Rhozvi comp-bow has come to point and laugh at Leovigild, undoubtedly one of the most ineffective leaders we’ve seen in this game.

80: Ding-Dong, Ding-Dong, Ding

The Osage have finally managed to break through and capture Kaoto, and are now preparing to surround and capture the former Floridian city of Fernandina. I don’t have high hopes for Taino’s chances of holding onto their Floridian gains now, as the number of Osage warriors has ballooned since last slide.

In the ruins of Kaoto, Ukrainian composer Mykola Leontovich leads a choir in honor of the Osage soldiers who died capturing the city. Leontovich is best known for composing the ‘Carol of the Bells’. For the Taino, those are alarm bells.

81: A Rare Instance of Wahgi Units Occupying their own Territory

*Ahem* If you’ll excuse me for just one moment… WAHGIIIII! THE GOATS! Anyway-

A look at Wahgi South America shows us that Bo’lim, ever the warmonger, has built up a huge air and ground force in the area, no doubt a major cause for concern for Johan Maurits.

For Wahgi fans (oh, just me? huh), this is an exhilarating opportunity for Bo’lim to take out the #5 civ. And he needs to declare war on, if not NH, then someone else, because Wahgi have recently dropped to #3 in the PR’s; if they don’t do something soon, then New Holland could have a real chance of surpassing them, which would be an utter embarrassment for Bo’lim, and for u/GBlazeMan. Please Bo’lim, don’t let Bora’s death be in vain.

82: Two-State South America

It’s much the same further north, but I’ll note that while New Holland’s core is sparse, their units are hi-tech, and they’ve thus far proven far more deadly than their nonexistent carpet would suggest. Meanwhile, the Wahgi carpet consists mostly of paratroopers and rocket launchers, and they’ll be taking a huge debuff to their strength due to the empire’s bankruptcy.

Also, I can’t help but feel bad for those Zheng units trapped in Tiwanaku waters. Bo’lim, let those people go, you madman!

83: The Fall of the Roman Empire

Don’t be fooled by the numerous DoW’s: not one of them is relevant. Instead, check out the much diminished holdings of Rome. There’s been talk amongst the community of Pontus potentially making a play for Trajan’s lands, but looking at this slide, I think that Pontus would have to sacrifice a significant portion of their military might if they wanted to make gains in the mediterranean. But hey, that’s better than doing nothing, and after their recent victory over the Qarmatians, it would make sense for Mithridates to continue pressing his advantage in the region; especially now that big players like Sierra Leone and the Selkups are closing in around them.

Trajan himself is not out of options yet, as Bavaria ever remains an enticing target, but for some reason, the Roman leader just doesn’t want the smoke. Perhaps a trip to a Cairo shisha bar would change his mind.

84: Will They, Won’t They? They Won’t.

A prudent play by Agüeybaná, as he makes peace with the Osage, somehow managing to keep hold of both Fernandina, and Kaoto. For Osage fans, this is a disappointing turn of events, as it was really beginning to look like this war would be different from prior clashes between the two civilizations. But hey, there’s always tomorrow.

While the Taino may have survived this bout, it pretty much marks the end of their chances in the battle royale. The Osage were the last good target remaining to them, and now that Pawuskha has proven himself to be the more dominant leader, there are zero expansion opportunities left to the blue-green island-boys, barring a shock coalition. Maybe it’ll happen?

85: Bodies Piled High

The Selkups have retaken Jekabpils, and additional units are moving to retake Jelgava, but if I was Vonya, I’d be looking to sue for peace soon. This war has been a slug fest for both belligerents, but the Selks are beginning to look pretty thin on the ground, and the Latvian counter-offensive may soon kick into action thanks to the timely addition of Modern Armour units to their arsenal.

As Vonya continues to pump resources into this war, she leaves the rest of her empire vulnerable to an attack from Goguryeo; if that were to happen, she’d need all hands on deck to stand any chance of surviving with her prospects intact. On the other hand, Latvia’s white sea fleet has been broken, and the chance for more gains may be too enticing for the Selkup leader to let slip through her grasp.

86: The Qarm after the Storm

It seems that, for now, the Qarms get to hold onto their third chance at life, as Hajar continues to block Saba and Mog from getting at each other. Five powers border the Qarmatians’ third iteration; the question is, who will be doing the smothering this time. My bet? Mithridates.

Meanwhile, Bavaria denounces Wahgi. SHUT UP LUDWIG YOU MID ASS POWER… oh sorry, lost myself there. This could be a bad move for Bavaria, as the Faroes and Wahgi seem to be allies (evidenced by the Wahgi units in Faroese territory). Still, I admire Ludwig’s gumption.

87: Pray for Haiti

A shiver runs down Agüeybaná’s back, as four declarations of war hit the screen. It seems that the Osage’s former peace deal was just a facade, a chance to buy time while they assembled their goon squad. The Thule DoW is irrelevant, and I don’t know if the Yellowknives will be able to reach the Caribbean. But none of that will save the Taino, as Johan Maurits, his hands still wet with the blood of Puni and Cornplanter, has also jumped on the bandwagon… this isn’t going to be pretty.

88: Kill Toledo

More civs jump on the Visigoth hate train, none of whom can actually reach the much-maligned rump-state. Man, someone just end these guys already! Wahgi! Faroes! Thomas! GET EM’ THOMAS! GET EM’!

89: Carribean Crush

One turn into the coalition against Taino, and they’ve already lost Ayiti and Curuquiera to New Holland, while Xaymaca has fallen into the red. Taino are sending out naval units to counterattack at Chihuahua and Oaxaca, but they don’t look to be having much success, and remember, this is their strongest front; god knows what’s going on in North America.

90: Make Yourself At Home

Up in the frigid wastes of North America, Shang and Yellowknife units block Thule from tearing a Visigoth Gatling Gun to shreds.

Further west, Ikko Ikki have filled up their new territory with a respectable carpet. Who knew that such a sandwiched power would still make admirable plays at this late stage of the game? They use their newfound lands as an opportunity to spread their religion to northern canada, teaching Jodo Shinshu proverbs to a passing Yellowknife tank unit.

91: Always Look on the Bright Side

From the arctic wastes to sunny Madagascar now, where we see that Palwa and Mogadishu have made peace, meaning that Abu Bakr ibn Umar gained Zahran for free. Smooth moves from the Mogadishawe leader, and that’s not the only cause for celebration, as the naval power is also next to complete the manhattan project.

In terms of aesthetic and vibes, Mogadishu is one of my favourite civs, but one has to wonder what’s next for the civ. They’ve effectively been locked out of African expansion by Ndongo and Sierra Leone, and they’d surely come up short if they attempted a war with Singapore. That leaves Noongar as their best avenue for potential gains; now that’s a war I’d love to see. Afroaustralia would be a sight for sore eyes. In the meantime, I hear Shangani is particularly pleasant this time of year.

92: TaiOHNO

A look at Taino’s NA holdings now… or, holding, as Kaoto has fallen to New Holland and Fernandina has been captured by the Osage. Worse still is the fact that every other Taino city on this slide is in the red, and it won;t take much for Maurits’s navy to start making them flip. It’s worth noting that Yellowknives have been denied any gains in this war, a boon to both the Osage, and New Holland, who should be looking for any way to inconvenience Akaitcho’s North American powerhouse.

Also, let’s take a second to reflect: the Osage spent most of this episode trying to take Kaoto, first from Seneca, then from Taino, and when they finally did manage to flip it, they immediately gave it back. Now, New Holland has it, and I wouldn’t recommend Pawuskha try and take it from Maurits, lest he ends up as another body on the New Holland leader’s ever growing pile.

93: Yakutia Smiles Down From Above

The wise Vonya chooses to ignore my advice, and pushes into Jelgava using some of her own Modern Armour. As hard as Karlis Ulmanis has tried to keep the Selkup horde at-bay, events have steadily spiralled out of his control, and we now must face the fact that this war has been an unmitigated disaster for a civ who, just an episode ago, looked to be in a strong position with a decent number of expansion opportunities. There is hope for Latvia, as the Selkups will struggle to push any further than the shores of the White Sea; past that, they won’t be able to draw on the strength of their sizable navy. But that’s the only good news I’ve got for Ulmanis.

Looking North, an assault on Latvia is probably the last good chance for expansion that the Ume Sami will get, before they are well and truly blocked in by the Faroes and Selkups. Will they capitalize? It’s not looking promising.

94: Fish Out of Water

Against all the odds, the Taino have managed to recapture Ayiti! However, that’s the only bit of good news I’ve got for the beleaguered civ, as New Holland pushes them off the continent by capturing Fort San Carlos, as well as Xaymaca.

The Taino have historically been fishermen, but now the net is shrinking fast around them; they are down to five cities, all in the red, and with fleets of New Holland ships bearing down on them. Only a last minute peace deal can save the now.

95: North/South Divide

It seems that there’s a lot of hate for Thule going around, as Ndongo DoW them, following the Selkups declaration on the slide prior to this one.

The Ndongo/Sierra Leone land border looks to be surprisingly stacked in Nzinga’s favour; a DoW in this direction would surely throw a wrench in Thomas’ plans for African dominance. But that’s only considering land units; SL has major advantages in the sky, and on the sea, and so, a war would almost certainly end in disaster for Ndongo. For now, Africa is faced with its first era of peace in a good while.

96: Saltwater

Uh oh. Prime those F keys folks; Taino have lost Yuma to the Osage, while New Holland have retaken Ayiti and flipped Cubao and Siguanea, leaving Taino with a single city, Boriken. Agüeybaná’s fleet has been eviscerated by New Holland’s far superior units; said units are now bearing down on the Taino’s final city, as Maurits guns for a third kill this episode; it would be a CBRX 4 record, and possibly a CBR record, though I’ll leave it to the sub’s scholars to let me know if that’s the case.

97: Rhapsody in Thule

I had completely forgotten about the Thule arctic city of Torngat. But nobody will forget the films that were produced there, as the legendary Japanese director Akira Kurasawa arrives to create his magnum-opus, Ran. It is the story of three Asian powers, locked in a struggle to control the country they call home. Although, I don’t remember the original film containing so much lactic acid.

It’s fitting really, that Thule have generated Kurasawa, because they Ran from Ikko-Ikki, had their will To Live stolen by Goguryeo, and now, their victory may only exist in Dreams. Oh, and Osage DoW’d them.

98: TaiNo More

And with that, we say a despondent ‘F’ for Taino, as Maurits beheads his third leader of the episode. With this play, it’s possible that New Holland will surpass the Yellowknives in the power rankings, cementing them as a true contender to the current hegemony of Wahgi, Goguryeo and the Faroe Isles.

A lot of hopes rested on Taino's shoulders, going into CBRX 4. They were the latest Caribbean civ to tread the footsteps of the Mk.2 Buccaneers, who’s legendary performance stands in the pantheon of CBR legend. Did they achieve that lofty goal? They did not.

But unlike the Seneca, the Taino do have a clear moment of dominance to their name; their wars against Florida, the first of which saw them nabbing Fort San Carlos, while the second saw them taking Gregor MacGregor out of the game with the capture of St. Augustine. That was some great work, but it was also the only meaningful war the Taino ever fought; barring, of course, that fateful one we just witnessed against New Holland.

Taino did have chances. When Mexico was being torn limb-from-limb by New Holland and the Yellowknives, the Taino could have jumped into the fray. They historically had a far stronger military than Seneca; it should have been Taino getting that kill, not Maurits. But alas, Taino never grasped their chance to be Buccs 2.0. No - Agüeybaná was content to stretch his legs in the Caribbean, enjoying a cocktail on the beach, far removed from the struggle and strife that befell most of the cylinder’s denizens. I hope that the Taino can find that halcyon land again; until then, I’ll say this. F, Taino.

Meanwhile, the eagle-eyed among you will have noticed the Faroese DoW on Thule. Sorry Akira; seven samurai won’t be enough to stop the fisherman fleet from breaking down the walls of Torngat.

99: Kennyo Dig It?

The Faroes weren’t the only civ to DoW the Thule. Not content with reducing them to a couple of shitty arctic enclaves, Ikko Ikki declares war on Thule, with big bro Goguryeo in tow. The question has now become: can Thule hang on for six more slides, or will they be the fourth elimination this episode?

Well, looking at the minimap, we see that Torngat remains standing, and on this slide, I think Thule have enough units defending Kangiqliniq to keep it safe for a moment. Therefore, I’d bet on Thule making it to episode 40; but, I’ve been wrong before.

(Fun fact: while writing this part, I became convinced that Ume-Sami Nuclear Submarines off the East Coast of NA were actually Babylonian subs, and that some sort of crazy glitch was occurring. I had it in my write-up for two days.)

100: No Filmmaking in the Arctic Circle!

Ah, we have our explanation for why the Faroes have thus-far struggled to make in-roads against Torngat. Why, you ask? It’s because of Wahgi. It’s always because of Wahgi. If it was any other civ doing the killing, I’d feel a little irked that the Wahgi are getting in the way of the action. But it’s the Faroes killing Thule, and therefore, this is another reason to squeeze my Bo’lim body pillow all the tighter. Nevertheless, it’s only a matter of time before Faroese Special Forces show up to crash Javraganak’s party.

101: My Bomb… Didn’t Kill People?

Bavaria has completed the Manhattan project, making them like the 20th civ to do so. Is it just me, or do the leaders on the cylinder seem unwilling to actually use any nukes this season? Perhaps Ludwig will be the first; god knows, it’s one of two cool things he could do, the other being an invasion of Latvia. Komáron looks extremely vulnerable right now, and Ulmanis’ destroyer fleet wouldn’t be able to flip it back, so I’m hoping Bavaria takes the initiative while they can.

102: Zheng Sandwich

In the Pacific, we see the Various fleets of Gogurt Hawaii, Zheng Marshall Islands and the Wahgi drone horde. Note the 200 defence Wahgi city of Pogera… Something tells me it wouldn’t stop Goguryeo-NO! Stop this talk u/Gblazeman, nothing can beat unit spam ha ha. Nothing can beat unit spam…

It’s worth noting that the Zheng cities of Guangzhou and Changhua have allowed them to maintain a corridor across the pacific. This may one day become a blessing, if the chance to join a coalition against the Yellowknives or New Holland ever presents itself.

103: I Have Become Jeff, My Name

King Shaybani celebrates as Bukhara completes the Manhattan project, and we get a chance to look at their stringy empire, featuring the new addition of Bolgar. Nukes should dissuade the Dzungars from attempting an attack on Shaybani’s lands, giving him a chance to plot his next war against Kazan. After that; well, the sky’s the limit, as long as nobody sets it on fire.

104: Let’s Wahget this Bread

RED FUCKING ALERT! Bo’lim has… built another wonder. It's the Forbidden Palace, which means that Wahgi have plonked some points in Patronage; not the best move in a domination-only game with no city-states. I assume this means that Wahgi have completed the rest of the policy tree, which renders their cultural wonders effectively useless. I’d say that production would have been better spent on troops, but that’s Wahgi’s whole problem, isn’t it? The -10% unhappiness from Forbidden Palace is alright, but what Bo’lim really needs is some money.

I am also pictured here, on the right side of the slide, smelling the flowers and ignoring the national deficit. This, my dear friends, is the way of the Wahgi.

105: It’s Not Like I Like You Or Anything!

As the episode draws to a close, I leave you with a shot of Australia, where Noongar and Palawa continue to throw gang signs at each other while circling the drain of their unspoken lesbian romance. A lot of ink has been spilled on which Australian power would come out ahead in a war, but at this point, I’d expect uncensored Yuri from the two powers before I’d expect a legitimate confrontation.

The Noongar have enlisted Japanese singer Kyu Sakamoto to pen a tasteful hit diss song against the Palawans. In real-life, Sakamoto is best known for his hit song, Ue o Muite Arukō

With that, I bid you all farewell; the Indian Ocean still has some room for more Wahgi units, and Emperor Bo’lim won’t be content until it is a purple sea. I’ve been u/GBlazeman; thanks for reading!

Episode 39: New World Nightmare – S4

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