Civ Battle Royale January 21, 2025
Semiconscious
As more and more civilizations begin sending peacekeepers across the map, chaos and order fight a constant battle: do the strong eliminate the weak, or do the weak get one last opportunity to shine?
Welcome one, welcome all, to yet another episode of the CBRX’s fourth season. It’s me, Semiconscious, back at the helm again, and I promise for my sake and yours to make this one a little shorter than last time. I say that, but we’ve got 115 slides to get through so buckle up.
I love shouting out Nathanmasse’s lovingly crafted info sheet for all the stats nerds out there (including myself) who want to see exactly how well each power is doing. Wahgi’s gold deficit of 29,000 is particularly jarring. I’m also shouting it out for the usefulness of the Current Wars tab as I’m narrating this to see if I miss any DOWs.
Another banger comic from Orange, showing how sad the death of Bora-Bora was. Just as Wahgi left them alone to die a rump, New Holland ensured that they wouldn’t last that long as one. A sad end to a once-great civilization - dead to the man who loves killing. Maurits has 6 eliminations, double that of second placers Goguryeo and Wahgi.
Thanks as always to all of the Ko-fi donators and to all who bought the special stickers! It’s great to see this still receiving support from the great people whose names are up there. (Is my name up there? How coincidental.)
Our number one this week again remains Goguryeo, after a relatively successful war against Thule that allowed Little Brother Ikko-Ikki to emerge up a few cities while Goguryeo eliminated any threat from the Americas. Of course, this is largely because the Faroes and Wahgi struggle to play the game correctly, so if one of the two blunders into a good war declaration then this position could be gone quickly.
And we find at the beginning of this episode an end to a war that started at the beginning of the last one. It’s a favorable peace to Ulmanis’s Latvia, as the Selkups seemed to finally be breaking through the Rikala-Tiurinlinna line that had held and caused Jekabpils and Jelgava to flip for so long. Vonya still escapes with 5 more cities, so it’s not a bad deal though.
We see the final stand of Javraganak’s Thule, as Ikko-Ikki paratroopers besiege their final city. Taking it would link up Qaqortoq, the city Thule ceded before the ceasefire in the middle of last episode. With naught but an AA gun and a few naval units, I don’t think Thule stands any chance.
Wait, their last city? I thought Thule had one more…
I never thought I’d see the day the Faroes actually used their North American colonies for something. They’ve used it to…take a 3 population snow peninsula city. Well, at least it’s something.
Also, say hello to all the Wahgi troops. They’ve apparently infiltrated all the way to the other side of the world.
And the Ikko-Ikki executioners move in for one last strike on the Thule, who finish in 29th. It is said that Javraganak, when given the opportunity to flee to the nuclear submarine, died fighting on the last bridge to the ports, allowing what little remained of the Thule civilian population to escape.
Thule was certainly a civ of this CBR. They started out very strong out of the gate, settling much of northern Canada and Alaska and competing with the Yellowknives and Pueblo for the Vancouver area. But then they just…sat there. They waited too long to grow their stats, and saw the Yellowknives gobble up Pueblo, leaving only the Nivkh and Ikko-Ikki as expansion routes. And it is true, Javraganak tried to break out of the box. She just couldn’t. And when one final shot was fired against Ikko-Ikki, big brother Goguryeo came in and helped all but eliminate the Alaska natives.
So how will we remember Thule? I’m not sure. On the one hand, they were a statistical power at times, but on the other they could never use the advantage they had over their neighbors. Ultimately, another boxed-in Alaskan civ may be their legacy. A shame, for a civ many thought could escape that fate.
People have been calling the Wahgi the villains of this season. As another Wahgi Apologist, like last week’s narrator, I’m here to point out that the Faroes are far worse. Simply coasting by, killing fan favorite warmongers, and now building Skynet. I’m sure nothing bad will happen to any civ that opposes them…
For those who don’t know, Skynet is an amazing wonder, which gives all combat units +10% strength and allows the construction of the Robot Infantry, with 110 Combat Strength and +20% when adjacent to other friendly units.
Here we see for the first time this game the Bavarian unique unit of the Hartschier. It’s a…Lancer replacement. How are you this bad at Science Ludwig? Lancers upgrade to Uhlans, which upgrade to Anti-Tanks, which upgrade to Helicopter Gunships, which only then upgrade to the Drone UAVs we’ve seen scattered around.
Ah, wait, I figured it out. Ludwig has okay science, as we’ve seen him with Infantry and Tanks, but his UU does not obsolete. Instead, it gains combat strength when Ludwig constructs wonders and defense when stationed on the Bavarian unique improvement. Ludwig, for reference, has one wonder.
A bunch of stray war declarations fly Kazan’s way, but none of them are relevant at all. More interestingly, it seems as if this area is filling up with many civilizations’ different units. In Kazan proper, there’s a Thule GWI, a few Wahgi units, a Bavarian Infantry, a Makhnovian Longswordman, and the Rozvi Swordsman. The unit overflow is really hitting the cylinder hard, it seems.
We check back in on what used to be Mongolia but is now one of the most interesting borders on the cylinder, between Big Three member Goguryeo and Second Tier member Selkups. The technological difference is what really stands out to me here - in a way reminiscent of the Turkey-Tuva border from the last CBR, Goguryeo has fewer units, but those they do have are significantly higher tech Future Worlds units than the Selkups’ Paratroopers and Modern Armor.
Also, say hello to the Dzungars with their Line Infantry and Artillery!
Shifting a bit further south, it seems the trend is the same on this area of Goguryeo’s border as well. Obviously the Dzungars are many eras behind, but even the Wahgi troops carpeting Afsharid and covering Zheng lands are looking a little worse compared to the Goguryeo Battlesuits. It may be a case of quality vs. quantity come Total War in this area. And I’d probably take Goguryeo given how that went in X3.
Rome, of all civs, has a land carpet now. Wow. They’ve now begun spreading peacekeepers into Bavarian lands, perhaps as both recognize the fearful power of the Faroerg. Interestingly, though, Ludwig is keeping his planes much more concentrated on the southern border with Pontus than towards the Great Blue North.
As a side note, I’m shocked the Kalmyks still have this many units that exist. I’d’ve thought the Afsharids got far closer to eliminating them fully, and I’m shocked there are still nine knights alive.
We see the effects of the brutal citadelling of Osage lands in North America, as unit overflow has moved some of their troops to Australia of all places. Strange, I would’ve thought there was a neighbor nearby with open borders. This is also a good time to check on Australia, and it seems Palawa and Noongar have similar armies in terms of tech, but Palawa’s is significantly more anti-air than Noongar’s tank divisions. Wahgi still dwarfs both in tech and scale - and with 68 and 70 population cities both in frame, I’m not surprised.
As I alluded to last slide, the Osage carpet at home is covering the homeland entirely. I’m not sure 60 Combat Strength machine guns are the best use of the space, Pawhuska, but…you’ll get there eventually. The Yellowknives are also surprisingly empty, and their units are only about a tech level above those of Osage. Could the Osage actually win a war with Yellowknives?
(*whisper whisper whisper*). Ah, I’ve just been informed that the Yellowknives have the most nukes on the Cylinder, in excess of 150, while the Osage have zero. Never mind.
Also, for those keeping track, we’re now at 9/12 slides with Wahgi units visible in them. Are we sure Unit Limits (which is supposed to limit this type of peacekeeper spam) is working?
Nzinga Mbande had been hearing rumors. Whispers, among both her people, and others, that she’d been slipping. Sierra Leone’s recent successes in kicking first Rome and then most of Saba-D’mt off the African continent. Nzinga decided she needed a statement. A real reason for her citizens, and her nation, to believe in her again. Rumors had been circling that the Wahgi fleets that circled her shores were bragging about how futuristic they were compared to the “backwards” Ndongo bazookas. That was just it, Nzinga thought. We have to say we’re futuristic now.
Ndongo has entered the Future Era. Not sure why, or how; their tech is on a similar level to Sierra Leone but doesn’t have the trademark Advanced Destroyers that would make a war with Sierra Leone interesting.
Ah. Well. This should be quick. Remember when I thought Kazan was such a nice multinational meeting place? Vonya didn’t agree and so declared war. All three Kazan cities are in the black by the first turn. Kazan won’t last ten slides is my bet. If anything, though, those same multinational peacekeepers may keep our favorite umlaut warlord around a little longer.
Actually, Samara may be a little bit more difficult to conquer, having only a one tile gap to Kazan city and Alexandrovsk. Still, though, the Selkup air superiority is no joke.
And as mentioned, Kazan city immediately falls to the Selkup horde. That’s the last Kazan-founded city Möxämmädämin owned, actually, now moving the capital to Kalmyk-founded Samara while also in possession of Makhnovian Alexandrovsk. Both those civilizations are long dead, lost to the annals of history as Kazan soon shall be.
Hey wait a second wasn’t one of those stray war declarations I mentioned from Trajan? Those Roman “peacekeepers” have the opportunity to do the funniest thing.
Well, it seems as if nothing interesting is happening elsewhere on the cylinder so we’ll stay here watching Kazan die. Alexandrovsk now falls; it would’ve been really nice to see this happen BEFORE you peaced out with Latvia though Vonya. Rezekne and Huliapole look mighty easy to take.
Come on Roman paratroopers, do the funny, you know you want to.
In case Kazan fans were getting tired of seeing their civ get murdered by the Selkups every turn, we decided that the Faroerg’s acquisition of the Tórshavn Shimazu Mega Pyramid was important. It’s a…fine wonder, I guess. It gives some small yields and allows for a couple Future Worlds improvements or buildings to give happiness. Which, now that I think about it, could be crucial for a civ which has lingered for so long on the edge of unhappiness. So it’s not that bad after all!
It seems Kazan’s status as the World Military Refugee Hub is actually helping. A Thule Great War infantry guards the western approaches to Samara, a Bavarian infantry the northeast, the Rozvi Swordsman the northwest, a Wahgi paratrooper the east, and a Rozvi Composite Bowman the southwest. The only entrance actually guarded by a Kazan unit, a rifleman, is the southwest, the hardest angle for the Selkup or Roman troops to attack.
That being said, when in our timeline a multinational force was put together to attack a city in this same spot on the west bend of the Volga (Stalingrad), it was the international forces that broke to lose the battle.
It wasn’t a real threat to Azeba. Just…an annoyance. Every couple of days, a parcel would come down from planes carried by Makeda’s enemies. The one biplane that still remained on this side of the Red Sea couldn’t defend the entirety of the city, and so about a couple parcels got through every week. What was in those parcels? Explosives, of course.
And yet even as Makeda knew there was no threat from Rome, from Mogadishu, or from Ndongo, the annoyance was still there. They could bombard the city from a thousand feet up, and there was nothing she or her people could do. Of course, the Coalition didn’t want to spend enough forces to actually take the city; they didn’t have the technological or industrial might. And they couldn’t get through Hamar Weyne, the city Makeda ceded to Thomas Peters for exactly this reason. But it seemed to Makeda that that didn’t stop them from trying to be a royal pain in the butt.
YES!!!!!!!
Our first legitimate snipe of a random city by peacekeepers this season comes far too late. No, I don’t consider Wahgi Mexico to be a snipe, it was Wahgi units, they’re everywhere. Roman paratroopers managed to sneak through the AEC lines and kill Möxämmädämin, and the coalition fell apart leading to complete Roman seizure of this outpost so far away from the rest of their empire. What are they going to do with it? Probably lose it to the Afsharids, Selkups, or Latvia if any ever declare war.
On the other side of this snipe, though, there was a death. The Kazan Khanate lived a long, and quite good life, to finish 28th. Möxämmädämin began by expanding early, competing with Nazarbayev’s Kazakhstan for much of the transUral area. Instead of an expected Makhnovia in the west, however, Möxämmädämin had an upstart Latvia. First on the chopping block was the Kalmykian city of Elista, but that was lost to Bukhara in a later war. After returning for Round 2 with the Kalmyks and taking the far more useful Samara (and briefly the capital Astrakhan), the Umlaut King teamed up with the Selkups to take down Nazarbayev, netting a full five cities in the near-complete elimination of a once-forerunner.
After that, though, there was only stagnation. With not particularly high-population or productive capacities, Kazan struggled between the twin powers of Latvia and the Selkups. Sure, the elimination of Kazakhstan was scored. But a short war with the Selkups lost them most of their land across the Urals. A longer one lost them their north. And of course, the embarrassing losses of Taraz and then Bolgar to Shaybani’s Bukhara, the enemy Möxämmädämin could never get one over on. Eventually, the Selkups came for the kill, but it was Rome that dealt the final blow. F, to a civ we may forget, or we may remember. I’m not quite sure.
Well, it seems Vonya has decided it’s time for the one person who consistently got stuff over on Möxämmädämin to die. And I guess with Kazan gone, it’s only fitting that Bukhara dies now too. Sure, there are peacekeepers and narrow boundaries, but did that stop Vonya with Kazan? Even with the power of heart, grit, clutch, determination, and wanting it more on their side, the balance is simply against Shaybani.
For those wondering, no, there was not an immediate DOW, it’s just that nothing interesting happened on turn 648. Nothing.
As mentioned, this is a green wave. The famous cities of Taraz and Bolgar, the greatest successes Bukhara has ever seen, have both already fallen. It’s surprising, honestly, how good the Selkups are doing. Bukhara has significantly better tech than Kazan had, with Infantry and anti-air rivaling some African powers. But it just isn’t enough. I’ll be interested to see how the Dzungar peacekeepers affect things though, but a Selkup paratrooper north of Turkistan behind Bukharan lines tells me it won’t do much. It’s sad to see such a legend obliterated like this.
We return again to the Faroerg Wonder Show, as a break from the Central Asian Wars! This time, back in Tórshavn, Trondur i Gotu is proclaiming his citizens digitally emancipated! What that means to a group of people who were already cyborgs nobody really knows.
As for the wonder itself…it allows the civ to upload citizens to gain more yields, as well as buffing yet more FW improvements with science, culture, and production. So expect to see some Faroerg cities losing population sooner than later.
You can’t script this. The Faroes are literally becoming a robot empire. The Bionic Tower?? It literally allows specialists to produce less unhappiness and eat less food. If that’s not “you are becoming a cyborg” I don’t know what is.
Official Faroe Islands Government Report:
You will be assimilated and bionic parts added to your body. Resistance is futile.
I wasn’t going to mention it last slide, but it is simply shocking to see Wahgi peacekeepers covering another of the Big Three powers. Drone UAVs and Artillery cover the entirety of Quebec, with only the sea spaces (themselves occupied by Faroese Destroyers) being open. In all honesty, so many of these currently-Wahgi-peacekeeper-covered areas will be interesting come Total War. How much can Wahgi gain, temporarily? How much becomes long term gains? What does that mean for those who don’t suffer from the Purple-and-Yellow Pus?
Rumor has it that secretly Pawhuska was happy for Chetopah to be surrounded by Mexican and then Yellowknife Kanawagas. After the initial war after the Crowalition, Pawhuska and Akaitcho had grown to admire one another. And Chetopah becoming a city state meant that Pawhuska had an excuse to move all non-essential personnel to…safer places. Like a deThuleization of Pituffik. Or a deTainoization of Fernandina and Yuma. Those places had to be…integrated. All scientific personnel remained, however, and Akaitcho arranged for certain secrets to be leaked to the Osage scientists in Chetopah. Military testing grounds were all around; it would only be expected that something may just accidentally cross the border.
With those new secrets, the Osage scientists got to work. And finally, they announced their success. In 2126, though without an actual test, Pawhuska broadcast to the world that his scientists had joined so many others in completing the Manhattan Project.
I’m getting tired of this Trondur. Why do you have to be building so many wonders?? Every ten slides we come back and see that you’ve built yet another wonder to show to class. What is it this time? Oh it’s the Hoyvik Buenos Aires Forum, how nice. Golden ages that can be triggered by the number of citizens in the city it’s constructed in, and longer golden ages. Wow, amazing.
In all seriousness, this is a pretty nice wonder, and in a 49 population city it can be very good. Just gotta keep those people happy as they’re turned into robots!
Welcome back to the Central Asian Wars, some five turns later, as…only Herat has fallen? What’s going on there, Vonya? What happened to your paratrooper north of Turkistan, did it get too busy pillaging? It seems the war that I thought would be (metaphorically) over by Christmas has instead lasted. Bukhara is really adding to their legendary underdog always-keep-fighting resume. Very well done, and we’ll see if they can survive this war.
Most interestingly though is that Turkistan and Bukhara city are actually at full health. Remember the Selkup air dominance over Kazan? That doesn’t seem to be present here unlike what the first turn made me think.
In recognition of a fellow rump fighting well, Leovigild signs an irrelevant peace deal with Shaybani. One down, just a few more to go.
I am protesting the continued presence of new wonders being constructed in the Faroerg and me being forced to narrate them. As such, I will simply post the description for the Ultima Tower:
“+2 Citizens per City. Hyperstructure”
Hey wait I thought the Faroerg were digitizing or cyborging all their citizens. Now they’re summoning more??
Nope, not saying a word.
Sky City: “Vertical farms provide +4 Food, +4 Gold and +2 Happiness. Free Vertical Farm in which it is built. Hyperstructure”
It’s been two turns and the front looks…a little bit better for the Selkups I guess? I’m still shocked about the lack of air superiority for the Siberian fellas, but Bukhara still has 8 planes in the sky, surprising for this far into the war. It seems I was unfamiliar with your game, Shaybani. I’m sorry.
But also come on Dzungars do something this is your chance you have the peacekeepers already there actually do something please come on.
I’m not sure we’ve seen the Sierra Leonean Company Ship here for a few episodes, nor am I sure it’s ever been explained. It replaces the Cargo Ship and grants WLTKDs to the origin city when trading across landmasses, as well as granting Golden Age points when trading with friends.
I’m sure there’s nothing else relevant…oh wait no so it turns out Makeda’s nice Hamar Weyne wall just turned hostile. Rumor has it Makeda only realized when the normal daily bombing raid just kept coming for hours on end. At the same time, though, at least Mogadishu made peace? They wanted to eliminate the Third Coming of the Qarmatians. So we’ve got a little race to the bottom here between Qarm and Saba. Let’s see who wins.
Well that’s certainly an inauspicious start for any Saba fans. Azeba is gone in a blink of an eye and Tamna, the final city, is already in the black. Makeda only barely escaped, using fishing vessels while the Great Musician of the court played a concert to distract the attacking Leonean forces.
Meanwhile, the Qarmatians’ Hajar remains undamaged. Where are the Mogadishiwi planes? Not sure, but they’re not helping on the Arabian peninsula. Right now, it’s two infantry versus an outdated but not small army for al-Jannabi. Advantage…Qarmatians?
We return once again to the Central Asian War, and somehow the vanguard forces of the Selkups have vanished. While one Bukharan plane has been killed, it’s come at the cost of the western paratrooper and the northern one is now at half health. Additionally, one of the Astana-based planes was lost. And as this is happening, more Dzungar peacekeepers keep flooding in, making this war even more difficult. Is Shaybani actually going to make it out alive?
We use an irrelevant DOW on Singapore by Nzinga to check in on the Southern African holdings, formerly known as eSwatini and Rozvi. Now, it’s holding grounds for Ndongo planes and nukes, as well as a place to watch the Mogadishu Uwassiyes sail across the Mozambique Strait. The Uwassiye is a caravel replacement, so I am unsure why Mogadishu still has so many of them. As for Ndongo, their forces are quite modern, especially for Africa, but very sparse.
On the other side of the Mogadishu Indian Ocean Islands, we see the nearest Singaporean territory in southern India and the Maldives, lovingly guarded by Wahgi forces, mostly UAVs. It’s crazy that Singapore has the more advanced units in this shot, from the Missile Destroyers to the Modern Armors. It shows how much this insane unit spam and bankruptcy have cost the once-unstoppable frontrunners from New Guinea.
This race is very much back on, as Mogadishu has actually managed to get and maintain air superiority over Hajar. The city has flipped, as can be told by the reduced population (and the announcement), but the Qarmatians still hold on for now. That’s their last melee unit currently occupying the city, though.
Meanwhile, Peters has managed to drop a paratrooper on Tamna’s side of the Red Sea, and his air superiority (unlike a certain green Siberian power) is still very strong. I think the winner of the Saba-Qarm race to the bottom will decide on turn order…
Gwanggaeto heard that Ndongo declared war on Singapore. Remembering that Singapore once temporarily stole the Hawaiian islands from him, he decides to join Ndongo in the “strongly worded letters from irrelevant wars” category. There might be a bit of air warfare, as can be seen by the damage counters over Cochiti and Tamaya, but I doubt there is any real change. It’s also shocking to see actual Advanced Destroyers and Mech Artillery in Gogurt lands, just to visually see how far ahead of the Africans and even Wahgi they are.
Well, we pan back here to see that Saba and the Third Coming of the Qarmatians died simultaneously, thus I guess tying for 26th. The third coming was the second-longest of the Qarmatian independent periods, and certainly was fun to see. It just simply wasn’t meant to last, like all good things on this cylinder. A shame, really.
Now onto Saba-D’mt. What to say about this civ that hasn’t already been said. They started off slow. So very slow. Them, along with the Floridas, were the only civs without a second city at the end of Episode 1. But they burst out like a cannon, as by the end of Episode 4 they had a strong four cities. After some more blobbing, we realized how powerful they were when they hit their second Golden Age. Saba’s UA gives them food and production equal to half the gold trade route income during a golden age. With trade and gold-heavy Mogadishu as a neighbor, this was a massive boon. They hit 10th place by the 9th PR, and an all time peak of SIXTH after Episodes 16 & 18. What did they do with that, you ask? A whole lot of nothing. Skirmishes and failed invasions of the Qarmatians and Kanem-Bornu. A “war” with Ndongo. Getting handed stuff by eSwatini.
They then just…sat there. Their golden ages were used in ways we couldn’t figure out, not producing anything to help with science or military purposes. They fought with Pontus over Damietta, making peace too early to actually take the city. Eventually, Mogadishu finally woke up and a brutal, brief war was fought that lost Mogadishu. After a quick intermission to kill Kanem-Bornu after Sierra Leone did all the work, Saba returned again to fight Mogadishu, a war that resulted in Makeda handing the capital back for peace.
Then, two episodes ago, Thomas Peters came calling. The peace deal, concluded in the middle of last episode, left Saba with only two cities. After one final escapade to steal a Mogadishiwi city for a few turns, it was only a matter of waiting for Peters to cast the killing blow. In time, it came. F to a civ who had nothing, gained everything, and whose hype train they built simply tumbled off the tracks.
Well, it seems Vonya’s made a little bit of progress since we were last here. Emphasis on little. While Turkistan is down to red health, the Bukharan ground assault on a still-red-health Selkup Herat is not exactly failing, and an 8th Bukharan plane is back to flying. Leading the attack is Jani Beg aka Janibek Khan, son of Oz Beg Khan of the Golden Horde fame.
Can someone also explain to me how Bukhara has not only better but multiple levels better infantry than the Dzungars? Riflemen versus literal infantry? I’d think it would be Dzungars with better troops but I guess not!
The good: Peace with the Selkups was made! Sure, Turkistan was ceded, but that city was falling anyway. Bukhara may just survive yet, and the capital was still standing strong. Emphasis on was, though.
The bad: Nader Shah, upon seeing the willingness of Shaybani to negotiate and after the Selkups had already softened them up, declared war on what remains of Bukhara. The capital is already in the black, and the air superiority Vonya tried to establish is already there.
The ugly: Balkh, deep in the Afghan Mountains, has already fallen to an Afsharid Battlesuit. Balkh was the city that Harappa tried so hard to take, back when they were powerful. Does anyone else remember when there was a powerful Harappa? Now, three crucial infantry units and a tank are left defending nothing. There’s no way the Afsharids let Balkh fall back.
Overall, the surprise attack was a massive success, and a war that I thought Bukhara may be able to escape just turned into one I’m almost certain they will die fighting.
Well, it seems I was wrong. The Bukharan turn processed, and while many frontline units died, Balkh was reclaimed temporarily. The only thing saving Shaybani at this point is sheer determination mixed with a lack of Afsharid units due to Wahgi coverage. Still, a 65 strength Merv stands no chance versus a 120 CS Battlesuit. There’s no Thermopylae-level borders to save Bukhara here.
It’s been a while since we’ve been back here! My protest still stands, though:
“+3 Culture and +3 Gold to nearby ocean tiles. Atolls produce an additional 2 Culture, 2 Gold, 1 Food and 1 Production. Hyperstructure.”
Really, Trondur? You couldn’t have found a city with actual useful ocean nearby? What about Bermuda? Or even the capital? Instead it gets put on Greenland where it can give mostly the atoll bonus. To be honest, it’s a 3/10 wonder for a reason.
Bukhara the city finally falls, and it won’t be falling back. Bukhara the civ is fresh out of melee units, and mostly focused on allowing the Great Musicians of the opera to escape. Two made it to Merv. Balkh, also, is cut off by mountains from Merv. The two sides of Bukhara will die quietly, and die alone. What a sad end.
I also find it funny that as the Afsharids expand their land, Wahgi or Dzungar peacekeepers simply keep filling in what has been conquered.
I knew it was coming, but that doesn’t make it any easier. A final F to Bukhara, the legendary civ that just couldn’t go down without a fight. A fight that Muhammad Shaybani would try his hardest to win and make you pay for. It seemed that most wars Shaybani should lose, he snuck out a city in the peace deal or flipped a city one last time. Remember Pavlodar, the city in the far north Urals he extorted from a near-dead Kazakhstan? None can also forget his wars against the Kalmyks and Kazan, two powers many thought would at least steal cities from him or fight to a white peace, but who lost one and two cities respectively in separate wars. Heck, even Kazakhstan’s presence was feared at one point, leading to a PR0 of 54th place. That’s below such civs as Burgundy and Florida.
But eventually, Shaybani lost just enough - he lost Samarkand in a war to Nader Shah, causing the Afsharids to plunge a dagger into Bukhara city with citadels. Elista was lost in the Kazakh war, and would fall to the Afsharids too. And so this five-city empire lived on, scrappy as can be as their big neighbors tried again and again to conquer them. And I thought for sure the Selkup attack on them would be the end. But Shaybani escaped from that, too, with still three cities to his name. Nader Shah, though, the only person to defeat the Bukharan Khanate both in reality and in the CBR before this episode, decided to come back for round 2. And just as in reality, 92 Uzbek tribes found themselves scattered and conquered by the Afsharid Empire. F to a real one, a civ with heart, grit, clutch, and determination - a civ we won’t soon forget.
Also, the next slide may be another eulogy - it seems the Grim Reaper has come for Leovigild.
Okay, so it seems we’re taking a sec to check in on Rome as the East Asia Bros. declare war. This seems to be a mostly irrelevant war, unless the Roman peacekeeper spillover may actually do something. Rome as a whole still looks remarkably okay for a civ who lost their entire western half to Sierra Leone and Rome. Wow, Rome lost its western half, while its east was still entirely intact? I’ve definitely never seen that before.
I also think that Rome could probably take Bavaria in a war right now - not only do they have the quantity, but they have similar quality (Infantry have 70 CS versus Paratroopers 65).
Well, this should be quick. As mentioned, the Faroes along with moral support from the Ume-Sami, Latvia, and Noongar have declared war on the Visigoths. This should be quick; the Faroes have XCOMs compared to the Visigothic Riflemen. And given that Faroese citadels already border Toledo, I doubt peacekeepers will be a problem.
It’s rumored that when the war was declared, Faroerg planes broadcast one message over the terrified citizens:
“You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”
Well, it seems the Roman peacekeeper spillover’s capture of Samara is what is at stake in this war. Ikko-Ikki have open borders with Latvia, while Rome has the same with Selkups. I don’t think Ikko-Ikki will take the city, given the unit amounts in this area, but I’ve been wrong before.
Also, my goodness the Osage peacekeeper spillover is insane. It carpets the entirety of the new Selkup conquests from Latvia and Kazan, but would still probably get wiped out by the Latvian Battlesuits (who have 120 CS).
Count me surprised, the Visigoths actually managed to flip the city after a Faroese XCOM took it initially. This is the greatest military success the Visigothic Kingdom has ever seen! In all honesty, it just means they survive the reaper for a turn longer.
Also, just imagine the scene as a bunch of literal riflemen, shooting a bullet once per five seconds, manages to take down a futuristic XCOM squad. What would that even look like? Did the XCOMs run out of ammunition?
It seems the Roman war with Ikko-Ikki has come a little closer to home, as the Faroerg returns for round 2 against the Italian underdogs. It’s surprising how few units the Faroerg has on this front; I can only count 10 units even partially in the frame. Then again, Rome the city is already in the yellow from the Faroese air assault (and 18:5 plane advantage), a crucial part of late-game warfare. I also see the Roman paratroopers walking through Bavaria to attack Dijon. I would say they have a chance, but Dijon has about 4x the combat strength of each individual paratrooper.
This is a better view of the Roman troops walking through Bavarian lands towards Faroese Vagur, York, and Dijon. Ultimately, I don’t think anything will come of it just because of how high Faroese defense values are and how weak the Roman troops are. More interestingly, though, is that both the Faroes and Rome have Bavarian open borders. So, as you can already see west of Nuremberg, Bavaria itself will be used as a battlefront of this war.
Say hello to the Kalmyk Knights and the Osage Overflow!
Toledo has fallen for a second time, and I don’t think it will flip back this time. There are five XCOMs to five riflemen, a battle I don’t think the Visigoths win. As he was fleeing the city for the final time, Leovigild made sure to grab the entirety of the Visigothic Orchestra, world famous for its works on lament, loss, and empire. Sayed Darwish, the most famous of these, left with Leovigild’s personal guard. Darwish, famous in our timeline for founding Egyptian pop music by modernizing older folk tunes to new audiences, did the same here, with “Leyendas de Asturica” being his most popular work.
In other news, the Visigoths are finally dead. They were a civ that lasted far too long by pretending to not exist. We all thought they broke out of Iberia with their settlement of Asturica beyond the Pyrenees, but at the first opportunity they handed it over to Bavaria, who then lost it to Burgundy. And at the end of the Great English Success (the third Anglo-Burgundian war), just when it looked like the Visigoths could retake the city, it was handed over to England for peace. The Visigoths never recovered, losing Emerita to the English in a short skirmish and having Salisbury settled where a Visigoth city once stood. Sierra Leone’s pack of vultures came next, for Barcino and Narbo on the east coast. After the Faroes destroyed Western Rome and England, though, they didn’t continue onto the Visigoths. So Leovigild just sat there. Existing. For at least a hundred turns. Until finally the Faroerg came calling.
Ultimately, we will remember Leovigild for his incompetence in crossing the mountains, and for being yet another rump that lived too long. I’ll give an F, but only because I have to.
It’s been three turns and the Ikko-Ikki-Roman war is as much of a joke as I thought it would be. Roman troops are simply sitting there and taking the Ikko hits, responding with machine gun fire, as they aren’t allowed into Latvian territory. This seems like yet another “hurry up and wait for peace” kind of meat grinder that only serves to lower both country’s deficits. But hey, at least Rome has a plane here now!
Wow, the Osage Overflow is really covering the entirety of the new Selkup conquests at this point. I guess it’s good because it prevents Latvia from returning to kill Valmiera’s and Jelgava’s populations, but it still feels bad to have your land being used as another nation’s troop repository. We’ll see if this turns into the Wahgi carpeting other civs, or just a mere annoyance for Vonya.
I…didn’t realize anyone was at war with the Shang? I’d forgotten that they and the Dzungars were at war, but it seems Galdan Khan didn’t forget. He’s finally sent a detachment, mostly consisting of his cavalry UU, to take the lightly defended city. Daji, however, being the smart person she is, invited the Wahgi Peacekeeper Division of the North into her lands. So we’ll see if the ranged attacks that have knocked Xiaotun into the red actually result in a second elimination of the great Chinese civ.
Remember when we celebrated, as Palawa and then Noongar both kicked out the Wahgi peacekeepers carpeting their lands? It seems Tarenorerer didn’t learn her lesson, as she’s now invited the Osage Overflow to be her land’s new defenders. Not sure how smart an idea that is, but you do you I guess.
I will also note that Palawa’s tech advantage, that has lasted the entire game, is slipping. There are Mechanized Infantry in both civs’ lands, but Noongar have Modern Armor while Palawa only have tanks. It seems the overfocus on naval units has finally caught up to the East Australian powerhouse.
It seems as if we’re seeing four civs spam peacekeepers: The Wahgi, as we all knew coming into this episode, are the worst offenders. But now Ikko-Ikki, along with the Osage and Romans, keep popping up across the various slides. Here, it seems Johan Maurits hired them to garrison his somewhat-recently-conquered Mexico-Ecuadorian lands, as he simply doesn’t have enough units. Of course, as seems to be a trend for the big powers, the units Maurits does have could wreck the peacekeepers easily, with Battlesuits, Mech Artillery, and Railgun Armors all present. The quantity vs quality question is definitely something I look forward to seeing answered, whether before or in Total War.
Did you miss the Faroerg Wonder Show? I sure didn’t. This time we’re back in the 232 combat strength 51 population capital of Tórshavn to show off the Angelnet, a wonder that doubles the effects of Utility Fogs and gives them extra happiness. Not sure what these do, but as mentioned before happiness is always welcome for the Faroes. They were the only unhappy civ as of the end of last episode at -11; I expect them to be significantly higher after these few wonders.
Well, color me surprised! While as I expected nothing has really come of the Bavarian skirmishes, or so it seems, Rome has managed to funnel a fleet through Rome and Messalia which bore enough planes to retake Carthago! A shocking success for a civ who It thought could be knocking on death’s door by the end of this war. Faroese forces, in fact, have been pushed back almost beyond the Alps, as Mobile SAMs and Tanks have successfully defended Roman Southern Italy. The craziest part is that I could see Carthago holding for a while yet. Sure, an XCOM could always paradrop onto the city, but I think the Faroes are prioritizing the seizure of Rome the city over anything else at this time.
I thought this was a repeat slide too, of slide 60, before I realized that Xiaotun actually was entirely in the black now. All it takes would be a single turn of Wahgi open borders breaking, or a Dzungar paratrooper dropping onto the citadel west of the city, for the Shang to be eliminated a second time. Of course, that’s what I said last time and Shang is still alive. This time, Zheng, Singapore, and Bavaria have joined the war though? That’s completely irrelevant I think unless Zheng really commits to bringing forces north (though most of the Great Generals in frame are theirs).
Ah, I see Trondur was simply doing the time honored strategy of Playing With Your Food. Roman forces have been completely wiped off the map as three Faroese XCOMs have descended upon Italy and flipped Rome. Even Gyor, on the other side of the Adriatic, is now in the yellow. Carthago is of course back to being under the grasp of the Faroerg, but it seems the happiness wonders did their job as the city is not being burned. I think this war for Trondur will simply be “you get out what you put in” - if the Faroes really commit I could see Rome reduced to just Cairo perhaps, especially if Rome city, where the border is narrowest, falls.
So much for the Dzungars walking through Goguryean lands to take Shang out. The Wahgi Peacekeeper Division successfully annoyed Galdan enough that he just decided it wasn’t worth fighting anymore. I guess if it works, it works, eh Daji?
I’m honestly surprised to see the Dzungars bow out here. Even though Xiaotun is only a 6 population city in the plains, it is still at least a city - something the Dzungars haven’t added since their short war with the Selkups back in episode 27. Even then it was only a city exchange!
Here’s the first shot this game of a fallen Rome; that is, a Rome officially in enemy hands. And yet, I’d rather be Trajan from this shot than Trajan from the last one. One of the three Italian XCOMs is dead, and your forces are back in control of a good portion of northern Italy. Sure, any dreams of retaking Carthago are gone, but that was nothing but a nice little bonus. Gyor is back to green health, and Messalia now has a full 10 planes inside it. So while I wouldn’t say Rome is winning, I wouldn’t say a complete Faroerg sweep is as guaranteed as I thought.
Well, the war at home did something at least! The Romans, distracted by the Faroese invasion, have lost the city of Samara, which they themselves sniped off Kazan, to another snipe by fellow Peacekeeper Nation Ikko-Ikki. I’m not sure what exactly changed that allowed Ikko-Ikki forces to take the city; last I checked Rome was in pretty solid control. We’ll see if they can, or even want, to flip it back.
To serenade the troops, the Ikko-Ikki government contracted Nick Cave, an Australian singer noted for his emotional intensity in music. Interesting.
It seems as if the Ikko-Ikki snipe of the Roman “peacekeeper” city Samara wasn’t taken too kindly by fellow Peacekeeping Nation the Osage. And they brought their big brother Yellowknives along for the ride! How cute! (Also what’s with these wars for Alaska/Yukon involving one high-tier power and one lower-mid tier teaming up against a relatively weak power?)
In reality, I think Ikko-Ikki gets crushed here. The same quality vs. quantity differences I’ve been seeing are finally coming to bear, as Yellowknife Battlesuits are marching on Kangiqliniq. I think Osage is mostly here to be annoying for the Ikko defenders, but I thought the same thing about Ikko-Ikki when they and Goguryeo teamed up on Thule.
Everyone say hello to our first Nexus, in the Goguryean city of Qikiqtanga!
As I said, I think Rome’s position isn’t that horrible here. They’ve got a couple of Paratroopers in the north guarding the border, and just one Faroese XCOM still in Italy. Sure, most of the units surrounding Carthago are Wahgi peacekeepers, with no Roman melee unit in sight, but again Carthago is just a sideshow. Rome itself seems actually safe for now, as Gyor completely recovers.
Oh wait, that would be because Messalia is in the deep red after Faroese air attacks. Never mind, this could get ugly quick.
It seems the Ikko-Ikki have decided to go on the…offensive? in this war? Not sure that’s the greatest idea, but I guess if you think you’re definitely going to lose it’s better to go out fighting and pillaging your enemy’s lands. And given Yellowknife air and nuclear weapon superiority, with Qikiqtaruk already in the deep red and Qaqortoq already fallen, perhaps there was no choice. It’s better to go out fighting than it is to sit there and dig in. Why not lose your colonies with a bang, instead of a whimper?
In the vast wastes of Yellowknife Sonora, where barely a unit is to be found, Ikko-Ikki paratroopers are wreaking havoc. Four paratroopers, recently landed from the Gulf of the Osage (renamed form the Gulf of Mexico), have begun to pillage even more Yellowknife lands. And I sure hope those are planes and not nukes, Akaitcho, or these troops could be a pain in the butt to deal with.
I’ll also be interested to see how the Yellowknives handle Total War, given their total lack of units. Will the idea of “Nuclearize Everything” work? Or will more traditional land forces succeed?
I’m not sure which melee unit did it, but somehow, Rome has control over Carthago again and it looks like the Faroerg is fresh out of XCOMs. Sure, they have Mobile SAMs aplenty, but those are carried by Roman forces too and won’t win the war. Will the war swing back in the Faroerg’s favor? I would assume so, but I’m not sure yet.
Inspired by the huge amounts of knowledge flowing into his empire by observing the Faroe-Roman war and Osage peacekeepers, Ludwig of Bavaria has proclaimed this The Age of Spreading Information. His advisors told him it wasn’t a catchy enough name, though, and so just renamed it to the Information Era.
It seems that the Romans still do have enough troops in the area to retake Samara. I find it funny that this city is at the three-way border of three top-10 civs but no it’s the underdogs that are fighting over it. Either way, I think that this war is a coin flip as to who ends up with the city; both the Japanese and Italian civs have more than enough troops to fight for this city for a long time.
To hype up their troops, after troops complained that Nick Cave’s music was just too good, the Roman government recruited Nas, the famous rapper. Rumor has it that the peace deal will be decided by a musical duel between the two superstars.
Everyone say hi to the Afsharid Wahgi Carpet, this time augmented with some Dzungar units! How nice of them to…guard…the Afsharid territories.
The Osage did actually manage to do something, taking the city of Sisimiut! Color me surprised; I didn’t think there were enough teal forces up here to do anything. In the meanwhile, the Ikko-Ikki forces in Yellowknife territory are being cut down like flies and Kangiqliniq is added to Akaitcho’s collection. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the entirety of Ikko-Ikki North America falls here.
Also, I’m surprised that Shang musketman and Great General are still alive; those troops were left over from the first killing of the Shang all those turns ago.
If you’re Kennyo, and you have a bunch of paratroopers scattered across the map not currently fighting, do you:
The correct answer is of course (d), use them to annoy the heck out of the Osage by attacking their east from New Holland lands. Using troops to actually fight wars? What’s that?
I don’t think this front ever goes anywhere; there are simply too many Osage troops to do anything here.
What did Kennyo do, when faced with the realization that there were too many Osage troops? Go where they weren’t. Which is to say, the newly acquired Yuma, in the Bahamas. While I don’t think the city will fall, it’s damage done to a city, impressive all its own. There are also Ikko reinforcements in the area if Kennyo wants to really commit, but we’ll see.
I think I figured out why Osage wanted into this war int he first place: Samara. The Osage peacekeepers were tired of seeing Rome and Ikko-Ikki fight over the city, and so just decided that it’s better if they have control over the city. Sweeping in behind an Ikko-Ikki attack, Samara now flied the teal and orange and won’t flip back anytime soon. Four different civs have now controlled the city in this episode, three of which do not have land on mainland Eurasia anymore.
Qikiqtaruk is the next of the Thule cities to fall, and marks the loss of the Thule once-capital. I believe this now makes Yellowknives the civ that controls the tied-most original capitals, at five. Also, if you look to the right of the image, you can see that the Ikko-Ikki paratrooper raiding battalion has been completely eliminated, and the improvements are well on their way to being repaired. A sad end for such a glorious way to go out. We’ll see now who gets Okak and Kuganajuup, as I doubt either hold barring a miraculous peace deal.
Mogadishu authorities have recently announced the first tour of Gil Scott-Heron, a spoken word poet and jazz performer originally based in America in the 1970s and ‘80s. To travel to his various stops, rumor has it he only needs to walk across the decks of Mogadishu’s many Uwassiyes, which carpet the sea barring a destroyer or aircraft carrier here or there. Overall, not exactly the greatest look for a civ that borders Future Era Sierra Leone and Ndongo as well as the upgraded Missile Destroyers of Singapore.
Speaking of which, it seems Ndong has noticed Abu Bakr’s relative backwardness and thinks she can grab a city or two. Akaitcho’s here too as moral support I guess? Not entirely sure. In all honesty, though, I think Malkerns almost certainly falls and Shangani flips at least once or twice. Shangani flipping in particular would be devastating, as I believe it’s the biggest Mogadishiwi city on the cylinder. But ultimately, I don’t think Mog has the quantity or quality to resist the South African Menace. While I don’t think it will be total elimination, this war is definitely going to hurt, and should be a splendid little war for Nzinga.
It seems that the Roman-Faroe war has somewhat stabilized now. Rome is back up to 7 population, both it and Messalia have full health, and Carthago is back in Faroese hands. And it couldn’t have come a moment too soon for Rome, whose units which once carpeted their area of the Balkans now look a little thinner on the ground. Trajan is also down to just 7 planes in the area. But of course, there is still a war going on, so can the Faroes effectively launch a third attack?
More interestingly for the very important Samara front, it seems Rome and Ikko-Ikki made peace to team up on the Osage, who immediately followed up by obliging the new allies and dragging the Yellowknives into a war with Rome. Ironic that the two civs that started the Samara War are not fighting any more, and yet the war still burns on.
The news from the War for Malkerns and the Mozambique Strait is decidedly mixed. The Wahgi peacekeepers are proving to be a strong impediment to Nzinga’s efforts to march on Shangani and Malkerns’ narrow southern approach is defending the city quite well. The fact that Ndongo ships are nowhere to be seen also helps. All that being said, Ndongo has total air superiority and Malkerns is already in the deep yellow when it comes to health. We’ll see if either see the initial failures as enough to ask for peace.
Okak has fallen to the Osage, as it turns out. It was more of a coin flip than anything, and Osage paradropping in more troops from the homeland certainly helped their side of the coin be heavier. The Yellowknives look to end up with the real precise of Kuganajuup though, as two battlesuits and three Railgun Armors are already on the other side of the Okak Pass.
And while Ikko-Ikki fans may be annoyed, or even scared, at this point, I really don’t think this war will mean anything more than the loss of the colonies gained over the last two episodes. Sure, it sucks, but Ikko was playing with house money to begin with. And you know what they say - the house always wins.
When I first looked at this slide, I thought this war was entirely irrelevant. There's Bavaria entirely between Rome and Latvia. Latvia also doesn’t really have that many units - just look at the nothingness between Mariupol and Riga. Then I noticed how high tech the Latvian units were, and the Helicopter Gunship south of Csejte. So Latvia has open borders with Bavaria, and Helicopter Gunships that can attack Gyor. The only thing they’re missing are planes, but if the Faroerg can counterattack, Latvia may be in a position to grab a city or two.
…Or not. Trajan makes peace with Trondur, and it’s a devastating one. Messalia and Gyor in this shot alone were given up, two cities that really were not under threat at any point during this war. Maybe the now-14 planes/nukes in Nancy were a part of this negotiation - this may have been a “Our words our backed by nuclear weapons, sign on the dotted line” kind of moment. A real shame, too, because it seemed Rome was at least holding out moderately competently. With the cession of Gyor, too, this makes the Roman-Latvian war completely irrelevant, as any Latvian unit that can sneak through to Antioch would just get destroyed by the force concentrated there.
Well, that’s some good news at least. It turns out only Messalia and Gyor were handed over, and the metropolises of Cairo and Nicomedia remain in Roman hands.
It’s sad to see Rome knocked down like this, but I can’t say it’s too surprising. We all knew Rome stood no chance when it came to Total War, and the Faroerg simply arrived early. It’s said that when the Faroese administrators arrived to Messalia and Gyor, they had but one phrase on their lips:
“You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”
As I thought, the sheer Yellowknife numbers, in addition to their high-tech units, allowed them to easily seize Kuganajuup. With that, the last of Ikko-Ikki North America is gone, and the adventure in the East is no more. While there are destroyers and paratroopers that can flip the city, the outcome will not change. A sad end, to an adventure everyone found fun.
Upon hearing the news of the final collapse of resistance in Kuganajuup, Nat King Cole started singing about it. And his jazz piano songs hit the soul of a nation. His songs of love, and the time spent away from it, hit those who lost fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters in the Colonies the hardest. It’s ironic, then, that Cole himself suffered none of that despite the Yellowknife bombardment of his hometown.
While I doubt this comes to anything, the assault on Shoman-Ji may give the Yellowknives more favorable peace terms.
Albert von Tilzer knew there was a calling for him from music from a young age. And as the Tiwanaku were crushed, as his father and mother died in the war with Bora-Bora, he had one thing left: the uniquely Tiwanaku sport of baseball. So he made a song about it. Forced to fleet into the far reaches of the world, Tilzer lived with what remained of the 2nd Line Infantry, subsiding on the royalties he made as other civilizations began adopting the sport. First Bora-Bora, then Wahgi popularized the unique game, all paying respect to Von Tilzer as they sang,
“Take me out to the ballgame, Take me out to the crowd…”
As mentioned, I thought the Yellowknives might get favorable terms. Now, I didn’t think those terms would involve the cession of a 29 population city and the entire island of Hokkaido but whatever floats your boat Kennyo. I also don’t expect this city to last two turns when Total War comes calling. But hey, it’s something!
It also means the whole colonial experiment was a failure, as Ikko-Ikki ended up down a city (Yamashina) when all is said and done.
…Make that two cities. Wow. I didn’t think Ikko-Ikki were in that bad of a situation that two entire cities needed to be ceded for peace, with a combined 59 population. I guess the power of 150+ nuclear weapons really does the trick.
It’s a real shame for Ikko-Ikki, though, as at the end of last episode they were really on top of the world. With a nice new North American colony, and no real threats other than big brother Ikko-Ikki, reduced to…this. Just five cities, a now-rump ready to be eaten whenever Total War comes calling.
How nice, it seems that New Holland, after…acquiring Taino lands, has decided it’s time to add a reformation belief to their religion. We’ll also use this opportunity to check in on NH, and wow they’re loaded. Battlesuits and Mech Artillery around every corner, Advanced Destroyers sailing the Atlantic…what’s not to love? Well, the unit density for one, but there are still 100 turns until Total War to work on that.
The reformation belief is actually a really good one, giving +1 science per 4 followers of this religion in foreign cities. That is huge at this stage in the game, especially seeing how massive city sizes are at this point. It could allow New Holland to catch up with tech leaders the Faroerg and Goguryeo before the end of the Tech Tree, and massively surpass Wahgi - enough perhaps to the point that they could fight and win despite low unit density.
Now time for some maps, stats, and governments. Jump to slide 105 if you don’t care about this stuff. First, we see a list of all the civs at peace, which is a surprising few. Faroes, Ume-Sami, the Selkups, the Dzungars, Sierra Leone, Palawa, and New Holland all have no current ongoing wars. It makes sense, though, that the number of green civs on this map would increase, simply because there are fewer civs to be at war with! Faraway wars are more relevant than ever, too, so a war for diplomacy’s sake is unlikely.
Now we can see the list of civs by food growth - and wow, so much of the cylinder is stagnant. Ikko-Ikki, Rome, Dzungars, and Wahgi make up the unlucky few declining, while Ndongo, Mogadishu, the Faroes, Shang, the Yellowknives, the Afsharids, Singapore, and Palawa are all growing. That’s definitely a lot fewer than last time we had this map.
It seems that nobody is unhappy on the cylinder - something I expected in all honesty, given the amount of happiness buffs the previously-only-unhappy civ Faroes got. As for those in a Golden Age, it’s Palawa, New Holland, the Afsharids, Goguryeo, and Ume-Sami. No real trend to be observed there.
As expected, this map hasn’t changed a bit since we last saw it. The world is still very autocratic, with only the Faroes and Ikko-Ikki following Order and Singapore following Neutrality. The Faroes’ choice of the Order ideology is what got them into such happiness troubles in the first place, or at least so goes the theory. As for Ikko-Ikki, this makes it all the more surprising to see that they’re still best buds with Goguryeo despite the ideology difference.
This map I believe shows civs’ status when it comes to bankruptcy. As of right now, the Selkups, Dzungars, Rome, Noongar, and Palawa are bankrupt. I’m surprised to see no Osage, Wahgi, or Ikko-Ikki on that list despite the peacekeeper spam. Perhaps it’s simply that they momentarily made a deal that put just a bit of money int he bank. All three, along with Zheng, Bavaria, Pontus, and the three African powers are all suffering from a negative gold income.
It’s always funny to see this screen and see what wild names Civ has come up with. King of Kings Mithridates I is particularly funny, as I could definitely see him marketing himself in the same vein as the Kings of Kings in our timeline (the Achaemenids). Noongar being ruled by the Noongar Nature Order as an aristocratic monarchy is also funny - did the nobility just decide “Eh, let’s stop exploiting our serfs”?
I believe I’m supposed to talk about Vonya, Commander-in-Chief, Amir al-Mu’minin, Warlord of the Selkups, Warlord of Kazakhstan, Generalissimo of Kazan on this slide (also known as Vonya Warlord, Fish Love Me Women Fear Me) on this slide, but the fact that they are ruled by the “Selkup Equality Way” just means I can’t take all the titles seriously. Bavaria’s “Interest Party” just terrifies me though. Interested in…what? Whose interests do you represent? They’re German ultranationalists - are they just Nazis?
Glad to see the Anti-Car Voice of Ndongo-Matamba is still going strong, as I believe they had the same government in power the last time we checked. I’m also interested in how a Citizen’s League rules the Despotic Nomadic Horde of New Holland? Or is it just some creative rebranding by Maurits the Conqueror?
All hail Kennyo, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, High Priest of the Ikko-Ikki. I have to ask though - how are the Libertarians in power in a theocratic state? And why isn’t Kennyo just calling himself the Prince of the Apostles? That’s already 3 tiers down from the original prophet, why make it four?
This. This hurts, man. Why do I have to be the one to narrate this? I was an Oiratbro from the beginning. I don’t want to have to narrate as the last one dies.
The Selkups have declared war on the Dzungars. Just as the Dzungars were finally teching up - both have tanks, and Selkup Mobile SAMs are only one level away from Dzungar AA Guns. But…the air superiority is entirely Selkup. They have twenty planes to seven on the western, more important front, and Uliastai and Yulduz are already at half health. Petropavl is in the deep red. At least Almaty might be flipped on the Dzungars’ way out? Yay?
I expected this too. After the Selkups have moved some more, Hami has already fallen. I knew it was nothing but an outpost, but it’s still hard to see the last portion of the Dzungar-Mongol border shape get obliterated. Ili, the Dzungar capital, is also down to red. I don’t think the Dzungars last the episode out. If they do, it would only be because of the Wahgi peacekeepers that flooded their lands, and not any fault of their own. The air war is 39-13 in this shot alone (favoring the Selkups).
Xanana Gusmao, Admiral of the Fourth Sub, was panicking. Makeda, a recent arrival to the sub, had been lost.
“Shajar! I thought you were going to watch Makeda until she properly acquainted herself!”
“I thought that was Idris’s job - he knew her better, no?”
That’s when he heard the sound - of the sub’s communication antenna breaking through the ice above. Dammit, he thought, Makeda’s gotten to the comms array.
Marching up to the comms board, with the X2 African Legion at his back, Gusmao broke into the comms array just as Makeda turned to the door to leave.
“What happened?” he demanded.
“Just got a little revenge,” she answered.
“WHAT DID YOU DO???”
“I-”
“Sir, we’re seeing reports of the Mogadishu north mobilizing. We’re hearing rumors that…they’re saying Makeda declared war on them?” Mohamed Siad Barre interjected.
Turning back to Makeda, Gusmao exploded “You came up here to do THAT? A joke? I can’t stand you. You’re banished to Mountain Watch duty for the next hundred turns. Everybody go home now, we won’t be affected by this.”
~~~~~~
Little did he know, someone in the Mogadishu War Office had traced the telegram signal…to a group of mountains in Antarctica…
~~~~~~
I honestly didn’t realize a civ could declare war from beyond the grave. That’s fun! It doesn’t really mean anything though.
We check back in on Mogadishu’s actually relevant war, and I must admit that I forgot this city even existed. Congrats, Nzinga, you’re now in sole possession of a 12-population arctic island. I mean, I guess it’s something? And Mogadishu really has no hope of flipping it back so…a victory’s a victory?
Looking further north, though, the borders are significantly further east than I remember…
Well, I guess we’ll get back to that later. I didn’t realize the Osage and Dzungars were at war. Huh. Well, I guess it’s another random trading post city on a historically significant river in Central Asia for Pawhuska. Good for him. I don’t think this will flip back to the Dzungars either, so Pawhuska’s keeping this until Total War or until Vonya tires of the annoyance.
In other news from the front, I think Almaty never actually flipped - the Dzungars had it at the beginning of the war and that was just immediately surrounded and cut off by the Selkups. So brutal, I didn’t even notice. Ili is also now entirely in the black, and Yulduz in the south joins Uliastai there as well. It’s now a matter of Find The Open Spot for Vonya to paradrop soldiers in.
Kobdo has now officially fallen, and we truly see how done the Dzungars are. Four cities down already, and not nearly enough units to hold anywhere north of the metropolis of Tarbagatai in the Gobi Desert. No-melee-itis is the only thing that will save Uliastai, and Ili, while defensible, probably falls in the next couple of turns anyway. I expect the Selkups to now begin reducing Irtysh, ao that the attack into the Tarim Basin can truly begin.
Back to the other active war on the cylinder. As I hinted, Malkerns flipped to Ndongo, and I think it’s done that a few times. This looks like the beginning of the end for the Mogadishu defense, though, as Ndongo is bringing its fleet, complete with a 4-aircraft Supercarrier, to truly bear against the weak Uwassiyes. Shangani has also lost ten population. That’s not half or more as you’d expect from a flip. No, that’s a nuke I think.
Why. Just why.
Let’s focus on the good and expected stuff first. Irtysh fell, and it took eight turns (707-715) to completely evict the defenders from the area. Meanwhile, Uliastai still stands and Tarbagatai remains undamaged. Ili has lost a bit of population, but I’m unsure if that’s from a nuke or simply starvation. There also seems to be a legitimate defensive line, made of Dzungar units, forming near Tarbagatai and Gyangtse. Twenty three Dzungar planes are still in the air.
Now for the bad news: Goguryeo’s entered the war, and brought the little brother Ikko-Ikki along too. They have 48 planes or nukes in this slide alone and three Nexuses. The successes up to this point have been dwarfed by this absolutely terrible failure. I know there are only three slides left, but I’m scared to scroll on and look at them.
As I thought. While two turns have passed, Ili and Uliastai still stand, and seventeen Dzungar planes remain in the air, that’s about all the good news. Yulduz fell while we were focusing on the eastern front, and Gyangtse is already on black health. That’s to say nothing of Ürümqi, which has already fallen to a strike group that is now fives nexuses and two battle suits - and the same 36 planes but now with whatever’s inside the Nexuses too. Is this what it felt like, Bora-Bora fans? To see Wahgi just rolling over you and destroying you? I feel your pain.
Well, I didn’t see that one coming! It seems Nzinga has temporarily given up on taking Malkerns to instead send a strike group to take the Mogadishiwi metropolis of Merca on Madagascar. And it worked - the city was flipped and, while it probably flips, is a key psychological and emotional victory. And even if they can’t hold it this time around, Abu Bakr Ibn Umar only has a limited supply of units that can re-flip the city. Nzinga seems to just keep summoning units from the south.
Also, Shangani has lost four more population - perhaps it was just starvation after all. I still think nukes are a viable explanation too, but I’d need an expert to confirm.
I’m speechless. Tarbagatai, the one city that I thought was safe as it had been on full health, the pinnacle of Dzungar civilization at a once-grand 35 population, has fallen to the Selkups. Ili and Uliastai still stand purely because it takes too long to march through the hills and neutral Wahgi UAVs patrol the sky. Gyangtse, too, will almost certainly fall next turn.
But hey, at least the Osage’s meme capture of Petropavl is still theirs?
That’s all I’ve got for you tonight, and thank you for reaching or listening to my wild ramblings. This was a long one, with many twists and turns along the way. Some fun moments, and some heartbreaking ones. I hope you stay with us to see this season out, and prepare for Total War in two or three episodes! It’s been me, Semiconscious, and I’ll see you on the other side. Let me just sit here for one last time, watching the sunset in Samara.