Episode 42: Everything – S4

Hello everyone, and welcome to another thrilling episode of the Civ Battle Royale X Season 4. In today’s episode 42, titled Everything (a jokish twist of reference to a quote I vaguely remember from years ago), we enter Total War and round out the eighth and likely penultimate narration batch. Meaning we’re not in the final stretch yet, but we probably will be from next episode onwards. Your narrator for today is Boki, newly minted historian, starting a... surprisingly chill internship there. If you’re watching the audio-narration, then it’s the wonderful Doc Ido giving me a voice here. This is gonna be a long episode, 136 slides, and knowing my tendencies from previous narrations, probably long in more than just slide count too, so strap in and strap on and let’s get into it.

For our map this week, as usual, we have Sonicfan’s CBRX map. Not just a wonderful piece of OC, but also a useful resource that I used as a reference throughout the narration, so as to remember which cities were captures, which recaptures, and which hadn’t changed owners.

Also a shout-out to Glade’s CBRX 4 Google Maps project, which was invaluable for the last roughly 3rd of the narration.

I even made meme as a show of appreciation for them, which you can find on the sub and the discord.

Once again, the OC I chose for this week was the last pre-TW installation of Kit’s Pacific Pals series, this time showing the bad-comedy-turned-painful-tragedy of Noongar. So close to achieving their royale-long ambition... but too little too late. Total War has come.

Also, shoutout to Quantum Botany’s North America map, which might’ve actually landed as the OC of the week had they not chosen the wrong name for Wahgi’s Central American possession. It’s either the Province of Betrayal or the Territory of Betrayal, thank you very much. But yeah, that error aside, check it out on the sub or the discord too if you haven’t already.

A big thank you to everyone on screen right now for their donations. You make CBRX possible and we wouldn't be enjoying this amazing series without you!

Leading the PRs going into Total War is Goguryeo. That they managed this despite having an army that, while no small, is smaller than one would expect a superpower to have, is testament to how balanced the civ roster was this season, as noted way back when the season began. Wahgi has a huge army, but is broke financially and scientifically. Faroes are advanced and have hoarded many wonders, but their lands are covered in Wahgi overflow. NH is advanced and has lots of production, but its army is tiny. YK has only a small advanced army and is boxed in by the 4 of the other 5 Big 6er, but has the most nukes of any power. How Singapore is ranked over Wahgi already I have no clue. Between them all, it’s Gogurt that rises ahead, with a complete tech tree, an army of decent size and balanced makeup, and with 2 easy and 2 moderate pickings at their borders, they have more avenues of expansion than most, and only one fellow Big 6er they border at the start of Total War.

Author’s note: with the exception of this slide and the OC slide, all of the slides were written before the most recent PRs, so I’ll be referring to the episode 40 PRs’ top 5 as the Big 5, and I’m too lazy to change that up this late into the narration process.

And into the action we go, and...

OH FUCK

This is certainly one way to start our look at Total War.

This is also an inauspicious start to Total War for Bavaria.

Someone, either Latvia, Faroes or Sierra Leone, has nuked Munich.

Bavaria’s army was already rather small and/or backwards compared to others in the region, so this is especially crushing.

Meanwhile, in Siberia, while the seas of Osage units and Roman refugees have largely been cleared out, Goguryeo and Selkups start hitting into each other. Gogurt’s army is smaller but on average slightly better in tech (with the exception of the nexi, which are, like, top-tier tech), and also holds a significant though not decisive air superiority. Nevertheless, this is enough to earn them to capture the city of Sanchu.

Total War’s consequences are easily felt here. Millions bleed and the forest burns.

Goguryeo takes Shoman-ji from the Yellowknives, unifying the Hawaiian island chain for the first time this season. Yeah, the *first* time. Usually, it wouldn’t take this long into a season for that to happen.

Zheng seems to have designs on the city, but I think even if they take it, the city will likely be securely Goguryean at the end of this campaign.

The Fourth Swahili Coast War from last episode merged into the larger Total War that had just begun, and as a result, Ndongo cities are suffering from the sudden attack of the Wahgi until-recently-peacekeepers. Sadly for the few Wahgi fans and luckily for most of us watching, none of the Wahgi units on screen are melee, so they’re just gonna whittle the cities down until they’re all killed and their success exploited by other powers.

Celebrating the schadenfreude of the Wahgi weakening Ndongo while being useless to at taking cities themselves, a few Mogadishawi units take a break to attend a seaside concert of Phil Elverum.

History dropdown

Honestly not much to say about Elverum. A decently popular American musician dabbling in indie rock, folk, experimental and electronic music. He mostly works from his hometown of Anacortes, and his most famous musical projects are The Microphones and Mount Erie.

End of history dropdown

Over on the Western Steppe, chaos reigns.

Osage, Bavarian and Latvian troops are assaulting the Yellownife exclave of Samara.

Latvian, Wahgi and Pontic troops are fighting in Ukraine and the Caucasus.

Latvian Huliaipole and pretty much every Selkup city on screen are in resistance, which I was usefully told by this season’s gamemasters, Glade, is a result of Pontus’ UA activating against some of their enemies, as Total War means everyone is at war with everyone, and Pontus’ UA activates when at war.

Perhaps most hilariously, a Kalmyk knight actually managed to retake the ancient Kalmyk capital of Astrakhan from the Afsharids, and apparently bloodlessly too. This effort will ultimately be snuffed out quickly by Afsharids’ late information and early future era tech, but god dammit, you gotta hand it to Ayuka Khan here.

The... idk... 8th? Noongar-Palawa War has also been subsumed into Total War. Nipaluna and Ballardong have been mostly secured by Noongar from any further Palawan capture, but the incoming assault by other regional forces still makes their Noongar status uncertain. Meanwhile, Osage took Laylatia, and is causing a good bit of chaos for the Palawa coast

In the middle of the Selkup-Goguryeo combat, Osage takes Irtysh from the former right under the latter’s noses. It isn’t gonna last, but I appreciate the effort.

Off at the very edge of the screen, Xiatoun has fallen to deep red health, and Goguryeo is slowly breaking down the Wahgi cock-blockers around the city in the two top dogs’ race to re-eliminate Shang.

Daji, for her part, feels conflicted. On the one hand, she would be losing her homeland for a second time, but on the other hand, after so many years of her second reign, she finally gets to reunite with her girlfriend Elizabeth Bathory on the sub. They’ve kept in touch through Babylonian tech that the queen had been hiding from her industrial era subjects, but nothing can replace physical proximity. And she missed that.

Both of the top dogs of Africa, neither of which is a top dog of the cylinder, are using the minimum viable land force strategy. Currently, it would appear Sierra Leone is the better one at using it, seeing as they’ve captured Plingo Andongo from their main rival. However, Sierra Leone got one big disadvantage that Ndongo lacks, and that is Pontus’ UA striking them. Matamba is at half-health, possibly due to a nuke strike.

Already we’re seeing people trying to make peace and being forced by the Babylonians’ Total War Protocol to go back to war. Tsk tsk. One of you has to win and we’re not waiting another 800 turns for you to get your shit together. Probably.

Anyway, as mentioned previously, the Kalmyk restoration didn’t last, as Afsharids took Astrakhan again. F. Even more, they’ve joined the race for Samara. Currently, and as expected, it is the Wahgi that are proving Afsharids’ biggest problem, but that problem currently appears manageable.

Further north, the Latvians move in an offensive towards Jelgava, trying to avenge their defeat in the Latvian-Selkup War now that the Selkups are at a numerical disadvantage and tech parity.

However, we are also informed of much sadder news - Alexandrovsk, the site of Makhnovia’s legendary last stand, has been wiped off the map, likely through usage of nuclear weapons.

Can we get an F in the chat for this legendary city. May it forever remain remembered by Mother Anarchy and all her children.

Over in and around the Gulf of Aden and... not only is the Qarmback from last episode still ongoing, but it’s even doubled. Yes, indeed, Hajar has been captured by the Qarmatians, and Mogadishu, while near to doing so, is yet to actually capture Safyan. Bravo.

Elsewhere, Pontus has captured Azeba. In all honesty, it feels ultra-weird to see Azeba and Tamna be under different civs in this specific way. Like... You see it too, right?............... Right?

Wahgi captured Shigatse, Dam and Lhasa... sigh... I mean, that was to be expected but I still hate it.

But wait what’s this? Cities that were Wahgi’s at the start of Total War, not just the newly captured ones, are in resistance too? Is Pontus’ UA hitting them too? Holy shit, I already was somewhat of a Pontus fan, but this just improved their PR for me immensely!

Wahgi and New Hollander troops are engaged in the vicious fight for the fate of South America. And I think this confirms it. Wahgi is being hit by the Pontic UA. This will, in an ironic twist, give New Holland a production advantage over the Wahgi, meaning, the longer Total War drags on, the worse the Wahgi chances to win South America.

And Wahgi continues being an annoyance by capturing  Kindonga from Ndongo. Luckily, the city is sure to be flipped by Ndongo soon, but it’s still annoying.

Wahgi has flipped Qingliang offscreen, but we return just in time to see Zheng retake it. Meanwhile, up north, Goguryeo is staring down... menacingly.

On the Balkanic front, Pontus briefly flipped Gaziura, but it seems to have returned to Bavarian hands. Both Wahgi and Pontus can still contest it though.

More Latvian cities, including Kassa, are being hit by the Pontic UA, as are the Bavarian Gaziura and Csejte.

Rome is still somehow holding on for dear life.

Latvia is trying to join in the struggle for Gaziura and also trying to cross the mountains into Csejte.

I hope the remaining Kalmykian knights can emulate their martyred comrade from further east and do something funny here. It is extremely unlikely, but hey, never say never.

No sooner have I said that that another Kalmyk knight restores Ayuka Khan to his palace in Astrakhan. When interviewed about this, Ayuka just answered “I’m him. I’ve always been him! The Afsharid governor thought he could catch me lacking. The last thing he saw was the price tag on these boots. We smoking it like it was 2024. You make fun of my knights, and I’ll kill you! THE WORMS ARE BACK! This shit ain’t nothin’ to me, man.”.

As part of their “annoy Boki as much as possible” campaign, Wahgi has captured Baune from Bavaria, though Faroes will likely try to reverse that. I believe those are Mobile SAMs, which I believe have a weak melee attack, so a capture may well be imminent. Which is just as well, seeing as the Wahgi seem to be even more of an annoyance to Faroes than they are to me. Go get ‘em Tróndur!

Further east, Latvia is knocking on the doors of Nuremberg, and the city is a little under halfway to accepting to open it.

Also damn, I knew Total War forced every civ to act, but I didn’t expect Ume-Sami to actually leave their own territorial waters to do something in Latvian ones against the Faroerg.

In the Antarctic (whose TNO version has been a big fixation of mine for the past three weeks, btw) Wahgi forces are assaulting last episode’s Singaporean conquest of Hamar Jajab, but forgot to bring any melee units with them. Sucks to suck. Even Latvia has more melee units on screen than Wahgi does. Latvia! A civ you wouldn’t have noticed had units on this slide until I pointed it out!

Sierra Leone, meanwhile, is besieging the New Hollander island city of Cabo de Santo Agostinho, while simultaneously starting a clean-up operation against the Wahgi Atlantic Garbage Patch.

Sierra Leone captured Qarnawu, but more importantly, has retaken Azeba, the ex Sabean-D’mti capital, and has captured the Mogadishawi capital of Mogadishu City. Sure the latter is definitely contested, and the former might be contested, it’s hard to see from this angle, but still.

Meanwhile, in Arabia, Ain al Kuayba has been nuked clean off the map, while Mogadishu captured Safwan and Hajar, eliminating the Qarmatians for what must be the final time. This latest attempt at a Qarmback had been more successful than the past few, but it was doomed to not last. F.

Latvia has captured Nuremberg and is now gunning for Munich itself. At the same time, another city is nuked off the map, as Straubing is wiped out.

Also wiped out is Kassa. We also can see a wider view of Latvia’s border regions, and combined with previous slides, this leads us to the conclusion that Latvia’s actually Latvian cities are productive, while all those founded by other civs are in revolt, probably a result of Pontus’ UA only partially affecting Latvia.

We pan back to the Caspo-Pontic region, where we see the Afsharids had won the race to Samara, but the city remains contested.

Astrakhan, somehow, is still Kalmyk. Ayuka Khan keeps being Him.

Australia is just a fucking mess rn.

Wahgi has surrounded Boyagin but doesn’t have any melee unit in position, are pressuring Ballardong and Nannup and might actually capture them soon.

The Osage army in the region has thinned out considerably. Noongar battlesuits and Wahgi paratroopers are approaching their new capital of Laylatia.

Wait... Laylatia is now Osage’s capital? Then that would mean... Oh no...

Yep. Yuma has fallen, as a New Hollander advanced destroyer sails into the city, kicking the Osage out of America.

New Holland also captured the ex-Floridian capital of Fernandina. They also cleared out the carpets of Mexican refugees around La Puebla and Mérida, because why not.

Another city joins the destroyed club, this time Manan. Also, I think Sierra Leone is actually dealing with the similar kind of Pontic UA consequences as Latvia is.

Sierra Leone, fresh off capturing Cabo de Santo Agostinho, continues its clean up operation in the Southern Atlantic, even expanding its scope to also destroy any stray Zheng, Selkup, New Hollander and Latvian units that found themselves stranded in or near the Wahgi Atlantic Garbage Patch.

Back in Australia, Palawa has captured Gargangala, but is unlikely to keep it, and is attacking Pinjara, which, even if it captures, is unlikely to hold... Wait... where are all the Noongar melee units? Scratch that, Palawa’s poultry Nullarbor conquests are probably safe for another turn or two at the least.

Over in the Sunda Isles, Singapore is holding surprisingly well against the Wahgi tide. Mulka is in the black and will inevitably fall, but Walyallup is barely damaged, and no other Singaporean city on the screen is damaged. The Zheng exclave of T’Bok is barely holding on against the Wahgi wave. It does hurt me a bit to see that actually Wahgi-founded citiess aren’t affected by Pontus’ UA though.  

Not only has Wahgi failed to make any further inroads in Afsharid India, despite their numerical superiority, but the technologically superior Afshardids have even managed to retake Dam. Nader Shah’s situation in the East is still difficult, but perhaps we overestimated how much of a threat the Wahgi are to him. I know I certainly did.

Off the West Coast of Mexico, the Goguryeo Navy nimbly sails past the Wahgi overflow and captures the island city of Santa Fé in a surprise attack. They also seem to generally hold the edge over the Yellowknife Navy in the small tussle they’re having near their mutual border. This is fairly unique - a frontline where 3 of the Top Dogs collide. Let’s see how this situation develops from here.

Back in Dzungaria, the Osage seem to have briefly flipped Tarbagatay, before losing it and Irtysh to the Selkups. However, as a big fuck you to everyone else active in the region, they capture Uliastai. They will almost certainly lose it soon, but I’m loving the Osage Poblometrics here. They won’t save them from defeat, but they will save their reputation.

Meanwhile, Gyangtse is still suffering from Goguryeo dabbing on it but refusing to take it. Are they saving the city for the Afsharids so they could finally claim their title as the Oiratslayer?

New Holland just captured Alegrete and Pucará. However, the technologically inferior Wahgi hold a decisive numerical advantage, and Alegrete, Caçapava do Sul, Piratini, Pucará and Tiwanaku are all at low to no health, with Wahgi melee units near all of them. This front still hangs in the balance.

On North America’s eastern seaboard, small but advanced New Hollander and Yellowknife forces are skirmishing around, making half-hearted incursions into each other’s territory.

We pan over to the Persian Gulf coast, and see that the Afsharids are suffering. Hamadan and Dholavira have been destroyed, Tabriz has been heavily reduced in strength, though there’s no Wahgi melee units nearby to take it, and even the capital Mashhad is threatened by a sea of Wahgi drone UAVs. Nader Shah can count his lucky stars that the Wahgi carpet’s composition isn’t very conducive to city capture, because the situation would’ve looked far more precarious otherwise.

But you know where the Wahgi carpet is conducive to city capture? India. Here, the Wahgi have taken Penukonda from Singapore and Mohenjo-Daro from the Afsharids. They’re also knocking down the gates of Lothal and Nakhon Ratchasima.

Over in Indochina, the Wahgi have captured Thanh Hoa from Zheng, but the situation seems largely stable otherwise. The Zheng might even have a naval advantage. How Singapore is holding with none of their cities damaged I have no idea, but they are holding such.

The Wahgi have made major gains in Australia, capturing Mulka from Singapore and Boyagin, Nannup, Badjaling and Jerramangup (da, Vahgi i jesu neki mangupi)* from the Noongar. The latter three are liable to flipping, but this still is a bad look for the Noongar.

*TL note: yes, the Wahgi indeed are some thugs (derogatory)

Over in South America... damn. It appears Alegrete, Piratini, Caçapava do Sul and Patio had all fallen to Wahgi, and New Hollander forces, while advanced, seem to for the most part be fleeing to fight another day elsewhere.

Meanwhile, in Mesoamerica, it seems that the Wahgi territory of Betrayal is holding up just fine against the New Hollander navy and the small but advanced Yellowknife forces in the region. In fact, the city on screen that seems most likely to fall soon might not even be San Antonio, but Guadalajara. That... sucks...

In Alaska, Goguryeo has captured Kuganajuup, and have sent their hoverdi- I mean hovertanks ahead to raid inland Alaska and Yukon. They’re yet to clear that one YK battlesuit, but I’m sure that’s not gonna be relevant.

Foresh-

Back in south China, Zheng has mostly cleared out the Wahgi units in their lands, but it has also lost a lot itself in the process. Not in terms of territory but in terms of manpower and probably population too. I’m amazed that they haven’t lost a city to Gogurt yet. That being said, Thang Long is under a lot of pressure. I wonder if some of the heavily damaged cities here have actually been nuked, but because I don’t see any fallout, I usually don’t feel the need to comment on it.

We’re in the Philippines now, and none of the cities changed hands. A slight bummer in regards to there being no fun changes, but good news in that at least Wahgi stays shitting the bed. Case in point: Zheng has just retaken Thanh Hoa at the edge of the screen. I really hope the weird territorial waters panhandle Wahgi has between Vietnam and Palawan is a result of Bac Giang, and not that Wahgi managed to take a Borneo city from Singapore.

And Wahgi also takes Laylatiya from Osage, but Noongar still got battlesuits in the area, and Osage still got an anti-air gun, so the city will remain contested between the three powers.

Here we see 3 UAVs being the last that’s left of Wahgi’s Central Asian force, and Selkup troops, fresh from capturing Petropavl from YK, are descending on what might be Osage’s last stand in Uliastai.

Also, we see that Selkups are also hit by the Latvian kind of Pontus’ UA effects, meaning that none of the civs affected by Pontus’ UA are affected in that crippling 100% way.

Also also, the Afsharids are fighting the Wahgi and Selkups off in the corner.

For a second time, we press F for the Shang, as Daji lost Xiaotun to Gogurt.

Lore dropdown

Not waiting for any of her advisors and courtiers, Daji packed up her wine collection and, after watching a handful of executions she impromptu ordered for old times’ sake, she used Babylonian tech to teleport herself, her personal items and her wine collection back onto the sub. There, she was welcomed back to the crew by a party of fans and other old CBR leaders she struck up friendships with, but at the head of the group was her girlfriend, Elizabeth Bathory. The two embraced for the first time in over a century and a half. It has been entirely too long. Daji didn’t expect her wine collection to already be tapped into so quick after making her way back into the Antarctic ice, but she, Lizzy and those of their friends and fans that drank enjoyed themselves to several bottles between the all of them. Sodas, juices, water and all manner of snack, sweet, fruit or cookie was had too. From the celebration, those crew-members who didn’t partake in the party joked “One would’ve thought she had won the Royale from their celebration lol”. Drunk kisses were had too. The reunion party didn’t have a definitive end, just kindof slowly fading out over the hours of the nightless Antarctic day, until the last partygoer went to sleep. When a member of the crew woke up the next day, he went to check in on the room, stealing a handful of sour cream and onion chips for himself. Before he left, though, he chanced a glance at the Bloody Countess and the Fox Queen, seeing them slightly messy, sleeping in a loose hug. He left the room, before sending a message to another crew member, hoping she sees the message when she woke up. The message contained just a single word: “Peak”.

End of lore dropdown

Back in Europe, Latvia captured two capitals off Bavaria, the former Royal Hungarian capital of Csejte and Bavaria’s own capital of Munich, and is likely to keep them for at least another turn, likely more.

A Faroese battlesuit decided to skip Ingolstadt to capture Regensburg instead. I actually like their chances of success, but not the chances of said success lasting.

Opposite my expectations, the Latvian-Selkup front is at a stalemate, with Latvia pushing into Selkup territory enough to secure their own, even damaging their two lost cities, but not quite enough to retake said cities of Jelgava and Jekabpils.

Vágur has been wiped off the map, but Latvia can console themselves with the captures of the Ume-Sámi cities of Likssjuo and Måskuossuvane (I think the second letter of the latter is pronounced like either an o or an o-ish a). The cities, especially the latter, seem set to remain contested though.

Off west, the Faroese and Ume-Sámi are still fighting each other in the North Sea and Skagerrak. Slowly, the Faroese noose is closing around Midtjá.

Mog has managed to retake its namesake capital of Mogadishu from the Sierra Leoneans, who are apparently too busy elsewhere to garrison their Swahili Coast conquests.

Off in Central Africa, the borders return to their pre-TW state, as Ndongo retakes Pungo Andongo and Kindonga. The Sierra Leonean troops at Aksum seem to be organizing a counteroffensive to retake the former, but things aren’t looking good for their compatriots - both the eastern city of Sana’a and even their island stronghold of Koidu are being contested by Ndongo forces.

The Wahgi-New Hollander slog over South America continues, with the NH-owned Pucará and Tiwanaku contested by the Wahgi.

Pontus takes Azeba once again. In retaliation, Sierra Leone nukes Dioscurias into nonextistence.

Granville Town has been nuked off the map, but some of its people evidently survives, settling in the ruins of Manan and refounding Granville Town there.

Off in the Azores, Sierra Leone takes the distant New Hollander colony of Natal. It also appears to me that they also have the most melee ships in the region too. Nevertheless, these could easily be wiped away by the many ranged vessels around them, and all it’d take is one New Hollander, Faroese or Zheng melee ship for this conquest to be reversed.

Wahgi’s conquest of Australia isn’t gonna be left uncontested, as Singapore takes Mulka and Jerramangup from them, though both remain contested, the latter not just by Wahgi, but Noongar as well. Singapore’s navy is also descending from the west, sandwiching Noongar’s navy between themselves and the coast. Katter Kich is under no threat of capture yet, but it has been dropped to zero health already.

The Afsharids capture Astrakhan again, eliminating the Kalmyks for... what? the third time? Yeah, I think it’s the third time. Another F in the chat for my new favourite Oirat. In what is surely divine smiting, the Afsharids have been punished by having Tehran nuked off the map.

Also, Astrakhan, Elista and Samarkand are all contested. As is Samara, but we’ve kindof come to expect that since 2 episodes ago. The Wahgi carpet in this region has thinned out considerably, no longer presenting a major nuisance to the Afsharids or others.

Off in the Tibetan Plateau, Dam and Tawang fall to the Wahgi, with Ganeriwala under threat, as are the Indo-Gangetic Plain cities of Harappa and Lothal and the Central Asian city of Merv.

Gogurt, meanwhile, continues being a sadist for the Dzungars at Gyangtse.

Noongar forces retake Badjaling and take Laylatiya, but there are still Wahgi units around to contest. Moreso the former than the latter.

The ever contested Samara falls to the Selkups.

Also, goddam, Ayuka, how often are you gonna be bringing your civ back to life? As a note I’m leaving for Doc Ido when choosing the tone of the message: although the words would lead you to believe otherwise, that sentence was made with an excited/impressed/similar intonation in mind. Anyway, I’m happy we got the Three Oirats for this season.

Elsewhere, Saratov is near dead, so Selkups could capture it... Wait, is that a Giant Death Robot the Afsharids have in the city? I’m not sure, but could this be the first GDR of the season? Correct me on the sub and/or the Discord if you’ve noticed one before, but, until such a correction is given, I’m giving the title of first GDR to the Afsharids.

Here’s how Nader can still win:

Over in Upper Asia, we see Gogurt has flipped Irtysh only for Selkups to flip it right back. Selkups also sent a bunch of paratroopers around Karakorum to confuse the Gog troops trying to make their advance towards Hami. Off at the edge of the screen, the Selkups have captured Uliastai, eliminating Osage.

The Osage were, I’d say, a decent civ in this royale. They settled throughout the Great Plains and Mississippi Valley and took a city or two or whatever from the Shawnee, before fighting a Seneca-Florida alliance to a stalemate. After that, they spent most of the game just sitting there. They eventually finished the job with the Shawnee, survived a coalition war where they were threatened by the Pueblo, and occasionally skirmished with their neighbours. I forgot if they participated in the downfall of the Crow, and if they did if they managed to nab a city or not. They would fight alongside Pueblo when the Yellowknives invaded, and if they had any gains from the Crow downfall, they lost those to YK, but that was still better than how Pueblo ended up. They then got citadeled to oblivion by Mexico, who was trying to make a corridor to invade Seneca through. Then the Osage redemption era began. They would end up capturing the cut-off Thule colony of Pituffik, before using the situation of a weakened Seneca and Taíno to gain an eastern coast board. In the last couple of episodes they got their notoriety through use of overflow units, becoming one of the participants in the Samara Wars and participating in the downfall of the Taíno, the Dzungars and fellow overflow nation the Ikko-Ikki. Then they got absolutely dunked on by their bigger ally YK who betrayed them for the land, taking almost all their cities in the peace treaty, leaving them with just the Bahamian metropolis of Yuma to their name. Yet be eliminated by a New Hollander capture of Yuma they wouldn’t be. Instead, they raged across Central Asia and Australia, capturing Irtysh, Laylatiya and Uliastai from the regional powers, until they were pushed out of each one, one-by-one. Finally, only Uliastai remained, and the Selkups soon snuffed out the Osage last stand there. From a boring presence to a banger performance in the last few episodes, the Osage knew how to gain the love of the community, myself included, in the last moment. Kudos, you glorious MFers. F.

Over in Southern Africa, and nothing much seems to be happening. Kabasa is near dead, the Sierra Leonean navy is slowly making its way through its Ndongoan counterpart, but most notably Nhlangano was wiped off the map.

Off to the Sahara, the nigh-undisputed domain of Sierra Leone, we go and... oh dam. It’s... It’s just plain empty. Only 6 planes and/or bombs and/or missiles, a modern armour, and a battleship are here to represent the Sierra Leonean military on this screenshot. The fact that 7 out of the 11 cities on screen are in resistance certainly ain’t helping. Total War is crippling Sierra Leone. But for the navy, I don’t think there’s much to expect from Sierra Leone in Total War. They’re somewhere between Angola and Yemen of last season’s Total War, and probably closer to the former.

Speaking of resistance, the 15-turn resistance of Komárom is highlighted here for some reason. I think I’d rather focus on that loss of health on Liepaja though. -175? It may be a long time since I’ve last played Civ V myself, and I might’ve never reached the Atomic Era while doing so, but that sure looks like a nuclear strike to me.

In the Nusuntara Archipelago, meanwhile, T’Bok has fallen to Wahgi, and it’s gonna be difficult for Zheng or Singapore to take it any time soon. Nevertheless, the city is in resistance, as is every not-originally-Wahgi Wahgi-controlled city on screen. Notably, Lamitan is in resistance for 34 turns. Pontus ain’t sure fucking around.

Sadly, the Wahgi units in India aren’t fucking around either, as they captured Mehrgarh, Harappa and Lothal. They did, however, lose Penukonda, not to a conquering unit of another civ, but to nuclear bombardment.

Some stray Wahgi units also captured Eupatoria and Themiscyra from Pontus, in retaliation for the effects of the UA. Pontus is marshalling forces for a counterattack, but they’ll take time to arrive.

Elsewhere, Pontus has taken Nicomedia from Sierra Leone, while Wahgi overflow is attacking Bushehr.

Elsewhere, Wahgi has taken Gaziura and is knocking down the gates of Amastris, but doesn’t have a melee unit in place to take advantage of that. Latvia is also battering on the walls of Ekaterinoslav, but they could actually take the city, though Pontus will likely flip it immediately.

Wahgi, not to be deterred by the previous flips, retakes Mulka, Jerramungup, Badjaling, and also captures Ballardong, Maytim and Mandurah. The Noongar front is rapidly collapsing, with only a few ad hoc pockets resisting, surrounded by enemy forces. Singapore is Australia’s only hope against the Papuan menace.

Wahgi also captures Guadalajara. Meanwhile, it seems Latacunga has been nuked off the Cylinder.

Wahgi forces capture Pucará and Tiwanaku, and are now closing in around Pariti. Cuenca is also being attacked, while Riobamba is at 0 health. Things aren’t looking too hot for NH rn.

Over in North America, surprisingly little has changed, at least in terms of territory. New Holland has taken Ganondagan and Wahgi has taken Kayahsuto’ke.

The rest of the cities have maintained owners though, but that control isn’t necessarily all stable. Faroese and Wahgi troops are attacking Pituffik, YK forces have dropped Nundawao to the black, the Faroes dropped Baaxawuashalíiko and Necha Go Do into the deep red.

The Wahgi carpet in Faroese North America has thinned out considerably, but remains a numerous force.

Back in the Pacific Northwest, YK retook Kuganajuup and nuked Kuugjuaq off the map. Suddenly, the Gogurt hold on North America is looking far less stable than it used to. Tatlurutit (heh) and Utqia Vik are under heavy YK pressure. Gog does have a chance at Okak tho.

Back to Zheng we go, and Oh God, Anping no longer exists. Gogurt forces are also advancing along the Yangtze. I forgot whether or not hovertanks can capture cities, but even if they can’t, Chikan is definitely under threat and Wenzhou and Yoshizaki Gobo may be under risk sooner rather than later.

In Japan, Oyama Gobo has suffered worse damage than neighbouring Ota, but Ota is the one that has an enemy unit at its doorstep, so that’s a chance for Zheng to have a brief victory before the door is kicked in.

In the general CBI theater of Total War, Wahgi has captured Nakhon Ratchasima, but in turn lost Shigatse to a barely alive wandering Zheng tank. Amazing.

Well, YK has retaken Santa Fé from Gogurt too. It did pay for it by having Walatowa nuked off the face of the Earth though. Hey, you win some, you lose some.

Over here we see a fuckton of Wahgi units in a traffic jam in the Pacific off South America. Also, we see that Machaca has been destroyed by NH nukes. I... have no idea how to feel ‘bout that... On the one hand, this will hurt Wahgi a little bit, but on the other it does feel bad to see the originally Tiwanakan city that was one of Bora-Bora’s early launchboard conquests go away... God, I miss BB so fucking much...

Back to Central Africa we go, and... *sigh* a Wahgi airborne troop captured Pungo Andongo... Bol’im, please stop.

Ndongoan and Sierra Leonean forces are fighting between Sana’a, Aksum and Pungo Andongo, as well as on the approach between Yao and Kindonga.

Also dam, TW Sierra Leone is really the TW Angola of this season. With the exception that I think Sierra Leone has more air and bomb/missile units. And an actually competitive navy. If it’s any consolation to Sierra Leone fans, it seems that the civ is slowly starting to recover from the gut punch it received from Pontus’ UA - Yao is no longer in resistance. The other not-originally-SL SL cities are sure to follow in a matter of turns.

Off in Central Europe, Bavaria has retaken Munich, but has in turn lost Regensburg to the Faroes, who in turn lost Győr to a nuclear strike.

Latvia also kicked the Wahgi out of Baune.

Mog has revived Qarmatians again. Even al-Jannabi must be super annoyed with these revivals by this point. He can’t really say it to anyone, or even aloud when alone for fears of being overheard, but he thinks to himself “Just let me rest on the sub, please!”, but is left to stew in silence in Hajar. It’s a small mercy that Sierra Leonean troops are approaching from the west. Wahgi, meanwhile, has taken Sutkagan-Dor from Singapore. Also, I believe Eupatoria has ceased to exist.

Back in the Mediterranean, Pontus captured Antioch, but in one last hurrah, a Roman unit has managed to retake their namesake capital one last time, before it flipped back to Sierra Leone before we could ever see the legendary re-capture. With no remaining Roman units anywhere to be seen, Rome is eliminated, and Trajan finds his way to the sub. F.

Rome was one of the best Italian entries we’ve ever had in a Civ Battle Royale, potentially the best - which is just as well for the Optimus Princeps Traianus. They settled ably across the central and eastern Med, and built a powerful navy, but their war record is more patchy than that of more illustrious powers of the cylinder. Still, they managed a city from Royal Hungary, nabbed some cities from the Mamluks, expanded into much of north Africa at the expense of the Burgundians, Mamluks and others, captured Nancy and, after many failed attempts, finally managed a successful naval invasion of the Visigoths, being the ones to relegate the latter to city-state status, if memory serves. They were able to hold their own against the powerful Saba-D’mt and the poblometrics monster Kanem-Bornu. They even managed to give their best “Finland in the Winter War” impression that one time against Sierra Leone. But then the Faroes and SL attacked simultaneously, and while the Romans managed to weather the storm, they suffered the losses of border regions. Another SL war cost them most of North Africa, and another war with Faroes, while on the battlefield being indecisive (basically as good as a victory), ended disastrously on the peace table, as they had to hand over three cities to the Faroes. SL then came and took 2 of the remaining 3 last episode, leaving Rome as a city-state in Antioch by the time Total War started. And yet, Trajan and his people refused to give up, and although it was by dumb luck more than anything else that they managed to do so, the Romans survived for well over half of Total War’s first episode. But, the conquest, be it by Pontus, Faroes or SL, was inevitable, and sure enough, the Pontics captured this last Roman hold-out. Except, Trajan personally led a last forlorn hope in north-central Italy, from where they used their enemies’ distraction with each other to descend on their home city and capture it one last time. For the Glory of Rome. Aeterna Victrix. And then, one last time, losing it, and their lives, as SL troops closed in once more. All, safe Trajan, who was teleported into an unfamiliar place. “Welcome aboard, fellow immortal. Welcome... to the Babylonian crew” said captain Xanana Gusmão.

Sierra Leone follows the elimination of Rome up by taking the former Visigothic capital of Toledo from the Faroes. There are some Wahgi units in the area, but I think they’re all ranged, so SL will keep this conquest for the time being. A struggle between the Faroese navy and Wahgi UAVs is occuring in the North Atlantic, but it’s too much of a clusterfuck for me to bother elaborating.

Here we see a better view of the Wahgi capture of Kayahsuto’ke and the wider Laurentian/Maritime front. Wahgi units are dropping like flies around Faroese coastal cities. The Faroese, meanwhile, are trying to take from the Wahgi what they kept failing to take from the Seneca, while NH is looking to retake Wahgi’s sole conquest in the region.

Gogurt has retaken Santa Fé and nuked Veracruz.

In order to pad out this scene so its text will be longer than its title, I will use the excuse to vent about a particular frustration with these narrations, already partially done in the title. I swear to god, these city destructions are making me crazy. Do you know how time- and nerve-consuming it is to comb through past scenes and even past episodes I narrated is just to find out the names of destroyed cities. And what’s worse, no one is forcing me to do this, except my own compulsion to be thorough and give you, the readers, the most accurate details possible, or at the least the most accurate details I can bother writing down. You better be thankful. OK, rant over, back to the episode.

EDIT: Hi, Boki from the future here, I’m sorry to interrupt me here. Yeah, uhhhhh, like half a dozen or a dozen slides later, I forgot exactly, I started using Glade’s map because it was easier and faster. So, uh, yeah. Back to you, Boki from the past.

New Holland retakes Patio, but, let’s face it, with so many Wahgi units around, it ain’t gonna last... Fuck, the more setbacks Gogurt, YK, NH and Faroes have, the more anxious I become about the possibility of a Wahgi victory. Unless they’re stopped in the next episode or two, all the messages I and others were confidently putting on the discord these last two or three weeks are gonna be little more than coping.

Back to Australia we go, right in time to see Kriwa threatened by the Wahgi, Gargangala, which Noongar retook while we weren’t looking, falling right back to Palawa, and Osage being back on their bullshit by reviving themselves by capturing Pataway from Palawa. God, I love the Osage these two weeks.

Ooof. Singapore just lost Orchard to a nuclear strike. That’s gotta hurt. Given the pillaged tiles, the fact it’s much lower in pop than most other OG Singaporean cities, and the half-health, I think the namesake capital was hit too.

Mohenjo-Daro has been nuked off the map too. In retaliation, Wahgi started an assault on Chandragiri. The Singaporean city’s defenses are strong, but the garrison is completely cut off from any reinforcement. A fall is a matter of time.

Here we see confirmation of Eupatoria’s destruction, as well as an implication of Themiscyra’s recapture. The current Qarmback is by some miracle still ongoing.

Ndongo captured Pungo Andongo, Sana’a and Ndjamena, and nuked Aksum off the map. Both armies are sparse, but SL’s is sparser. However, SL has an uncontested aerial superiority. I’d give the edge to Ndongo still, but I don’t know how long that can last.

The lonely NH island-city of Paraíba has been destroyed, and I have no idea if Sierra Leone, Wahgi, Ndongo or (unlikely) Latvia is to blame.

The Selkups take Samarkand and Bukhara from the Afsharids, but before they can do the same to Merv, Osage snipes it instead. Lovely. It’s not gonna last, but I love it.

So, Tamaya has been wiped off. Zheng, the most likely culprit, has also sent fleets forward to raid the Hawaiian Islands. It’s unlikely this will achieve much except delays and maybe a brief flip, though.

The Faroese stronghold of Greenland, one of the more peaceful parts of the Faroese People’s Empire, is still beset by TW somewhat, as Faroese units carry out clean up operations against the few Wahgi units on and near the island. However, UAVs from Labrador and the North Atlantic are making their way into the Greenlandic Sea, posing less of a threat and more of an obstacle to the Faroese navy and cities.

Wahgi retakes Shigatse and takes Dege, leaving Nakchu surrounded by Wahgi territory. The city is already coming under assault, with only a 10-strong air-wing (possibly including bombs) to defend it. Meanwhile, some Gogurt units have started crossing the mountains...

Wahgi has also retaken Thanh Hoa, taken Ratchaburi, and is descending in full force on Thang Long, with only a railgun armor standing between them and the city’s fall.

Wahgi captures Pinjara and Kriwa, cutting the Noongar core at Mendyarrup and Katter Kich off from the fortress-city of Nipaluna. Neither Noongar Katter Kich nor Palawa-controlled Gargangara are long for this world either, as Noongar forces are right at their doorstep.

Wahgi forces capture Changhua, just as Guangzhou falls to 0 health. It’s a race as to whether Wahgi or Gogurt will take it.

Recovering from their losses at the beginning of TW, YK has captured Fernandina and Kaoto’ from New Holland.

Vestmanna was nuked clean off the cylinder. I still don’t like Wahgi’s chances of persisting in the Labrador countryside though.

Zheng has not just kept Thang Long but retook Thanh Hoa, while also partially relieving the partial encirclement of the former. Siming seems to really be feeling the hits of the nukes. The nearby Haikou no longer exists.

Zheng captures Cochiti, but their raiding fleets around Hawaii have mostly been destroyed. This capture is unlikely to last more than a turn or two. It seems this did distract Gogurt just enough to give YK the chance to retake Santa Fé.

No flips happened in the Philippines, but judging by the pop and city defence drops, their northern part at least must have suffered the effect of nukes, more conventional bombardment, and starvation. There are signs of Zheng responding in kind though, seeing Simuay’s low health bar.

Over in Polynesia... *sigh* the former heartland of a fan-favourite. Its ex-capital, Nunu’e nuked. But it seems Pontus’ call for revolt has inspired the Bora-Boran people, as they are all up in arms in revolt. ‘Uturoa is set to stay in resistance for 35 more turns.

Latvia has retaken Munich, while Regensburg has been nuked into oblivion, leaving Ingolstadt as the last Bavarian city to speak of. Sandwiched between Latvia, the Faroerg and SL, its fall is inevitable.

Welp, that’s Samara gone now too. Y’all couldn’t play so now it has to be taken away. Meanwhile, a bunch of Kalmyk knights materialize out of nowhere and one of them retakes Astrakhan to revive their civ for like, what, the 4th time this episode? I love it. The Selkups are also increasing the pressure on the now cut off Afsharid city of Elista.

OK, so I guess Latvia ain’t breaking through here any time soon. Jelgava and Jekabpils have their health massively reduced, and the former is highly vulnerable, but the latter is less vulnerable than the Latvian-controlled Rikala is, with Selkup ships and helis approaching.

Latvia makes advances in the Balkans and Ukraine, kicking Wahgi out of Gaziura and taking Ekaterinoslav from Pontus. The latter is more likely to flip than the former.

Bunce is settled either on or near where old Granville Town was. Meanwhile Ndongoan chimeras are approaching Yao. They might even flip the city soon.

Ndongoan forces are also preparing to retake Qarnawu from SL, and the city’s fall here is much more certain. Cambambe, Shangani, Adulus and Mogadishu have suffered from bombing damage.

Another Qarmback has been destroyed, as SL eliminates Qarm yet again, capturing Hajar. F. Sutkagan-Gor has ceased to exist.

Lobamba has been nuked off the cylinder and SL has captured Kabasa. Ndongo has lost the naval fight, and SL is taking full advantage.

Kalibangan has also been wiped off. Wahgi forces are closing in on Singaporean Tamilakam, but the Singaporean navy is trying their hardest to clear out the UAVs before they can provide supporting fire to the advancing land units from up north. Let’s see how well that works for them.

Penukonda has also been wiped out, removing any need for Wahgi to consolidate its north Indian territories, as they have more or less secured them for the time being.

The Afsharids manage to retake Lhasa, but it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna last. Then again, we assumed Gyangtse wasn’t gonna last, but here we are, just 14 slides away from the episode’s end, and the Dzungars are still alive somehow.

Noongar retakes Kriwa and Pinjarra from the Wahgi and, slightly off-screen, Gargangara from the Palawa. Palawa, in turn, takes Laylatiya and also kicks the Osage out of Pataway. These gains aren’t gonna last though - the Wahgi carpet stretches as far as the eye can see.

The Afsharids retake Bukhara from the Selkups, while one of these two just fucking nukes Merv, destroying the Osage’s second coming’s last remaining city.

Back in the burning taiga, the Selkups retake Sanchu. The Goguryeo-controlled Tiflis is in the black, with a fairly healthy Osage paratrooper nextdoor. That guy could just do the funniest shit ever.

Gog has finally made a breakthrough on their southern front, taking Yoshizaki-Gobo, Chikan and Qingliangang in one fell swoop. Wenzhou might well follow soon.

T’bok gains its third owner this episode, as Singapore kicks the Wahgi out to take the former Zheng exclave. Wahgi units occupy most of the Borneo countryside, though, so it, as well as Bugis and Chinatown are still under pressure.

Mérida has been wiped off the map, but New Holland has captured Monterrey and San Antonio, temporarily destroying the original lands of the Wahgi province of Betrayal. There are many Wahgi units still around though, so Betrayal will be restored to its original lands imminently. For now, the Wahgi administrators and local collaborators of the province retreat to their newest addition of Guadalajara, itself threatened by the Yellowknives.

Another slide of mixed feelings for me, as NH managed to maintain control over Patio, but Fa’anui has been destroyed, which is good because one less Wahgi city to worry about, but is also bad because it was an original Bora-Boran city.

A breather slide to take a look at Palawan Aotearoa and the sea of submarines around it.

[5 seconds of silence]

OK, that’s enough appreciating Palawan Aotearoa and its subs.

Off to Korea we go, where we see the Goguryeoan capital Gungnae. Right outside the city, George Handel is holding a concert.

History dropdown

In our timeline, Handel was a German-British baroque composer. Born in 1685 and receiving an education in Halle, starting his work in Hamburg and Italy, he moved to London in 1712, and became a naturalized British subject by 1727. He was influenced both by German choral polyphony and Italian baroque composers, and in turn became a contributor to the peak of the high baroque, brought Italian opera to its highest development, created the English oratorio and organ concerto genres, and created an entire new subgenre within the already existing grouping of English church music. Some of his most famous works include “Messiah”, “Water Music”, “Music for the Royal Fireworks” and “Zadok the Priest”.

End of history dropdown

Wahgi retakes Lhasa and captures Nakchu. Only a few tiles separate their melee units from Chamdo and Ganeriwala. Gyangtse is still alive. But wait, what’s that in the sidebar?

In one fell swoop, Wahgi captures Katter Kich, Kriwa, Pinjarra, Gargangara and the Noongar capital of Mendyarrup, leaving only one city in Australia and two in Antarctica to Noongar’s name. Only Katter Kich is even contested, not by Noongar, but Singapore. The end of the Aboriginal era in Australia grows near.

T’bok has fallen back to Wahgi. Singapore is moving in to contest the city again, but if they aren’t careful they might lose Bugis and Walyallup too.

Over on the Hudson Bay Shore, the Faroese capture P’iwweltha in a surprise attack. It isn’t gonna last with the concentration of YK units around, but a Faroese fleet is nearby to continue flipping this city.

And on our last slide for today, we see Gogurt has retaken Cochiti, while Santa Fé has been destroyed. The three way struggle between Gog, YK and Wah still continues, with still ongoing Zheng cameos.

That’s it for the first episode of CBRX Season 4’s Total War. I’ve been Boki, and I bid you a good time unit of your choosing. And, also, apologies for having been a bit insufferable in the CBRX 4 discussion chat on the Discord server and the narration group chat. Although I wish I could, I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try to prevent that from happening in the future and will put an effort into that. Anyway thank you for reading or listening to this episode, put any feedback in the relevant chat on the Discord or in the comments of the reddit post or the audio-narration on YouTube, subscribe to Doc Ido if you somehow haven’t yet, donate to the Ko-Fi if you can afford it, and... bye. See ya around!