Episode 13: The Empty Dream Machine – S5

Release Date:

April 22, 2026

Narrated by:

JDT

Abstract

Noise. The whirr of the machine. A civ ends up where no ones ever gone before. A peace-deal fucks up someones aura. Endless streams of horses push the land. They dance around the bang, the bang, the lock. The pop.. Its sounding like 6 in the morning sun rising outside. Battles on the ground, better choose a side. Hail Mary hit on the ride or die. Buckle up people the time is nigh.

Viewing: Vertical

Jump to scene

Welcome To The Show

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1: Welcome To The Show

The intercom in the Babylonian cybersub rings and crackles. An announcement is to take place. The leaders sit pretty across the non-euclidian hallways and corridors of the ever expanding vessel,

The speaker rings: “Hello everyone, my name is JDT1706, and welcome to the latest episode of Civ Battle Royale X5! I’ll be your guide through the lands of mystics and mystery, of pain and pleasure, and best of all, where AI is not just a buzzword but actually a living, breathing personality, a projection of our fears, hopes and desires in a bloody colosseum of a over decade old strategy game. Its a honour to narrate this episode, and without further ado, lets get started.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Welcome To The Show

1: Welcome To The Show

The intercom in the Babylonian cybersub rings and crackles. An announcement is to take place. The leaders sit pretty across the non-euclidian hallways and corridors of the ever expanding vessel,

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Church Of The Cylinder (Interlude)

2: Church Of The Cylinder (Interlude)

First up, we got the latest episode of Church Of The Cylinder by Orange! The Teotihuacan-Pomo war has been a real disappointment, but at least we got this comic!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Latest Map (Interlude)

3: The Latest Map (Interlude)

Next up, we got our latest map courtesy of Sonicfan. These maps are always well appreciated, and always give excellent overviews over the state of the cylinder in a given moment.

4: Paper Trail$

Before we get on going, we have to give a shout out to the Ko-Fi supporters. Thank you for your support! We won’t be here without you!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Lonely At The Top

5: Lonely At The Top

We must appreciate the statistical dominance that the Tlingit have been imparting on the cylinder. If you take a look at the stat sheet, they have dominant leads in every single relevant category. The question now is can they hold onto that lead?

6: Without Me

Plutarcho Elisa Calles shouldn’t be a great general. The erstwhile vagabond didn’t know how he ended up in the middle of Asia, surrounded by people in a city state he never knew of. But it didn’t matter. They paid him. It was his lot. He thought of perhaps pulling a coup against Shin Sawbu, the ever incompetent leader of Dagon. But then he looked at his troops. A recruit had just stabbed himself with a spear. Another just ran straight into a mountain. And the Yunnanese look on and laugh. He sighed. It’s going to be a long day

7: Two Time

Enemies close in on the Ethiopian city of Adama. On one hand, theres the insatiable juggernaut of the Aures, continually looking for new victims and new regions of expansion. On the other, the erstwhile underdogs of Zazzau, looking to struggle their way back to relevance after getting clocked in the jaw by Wassalou early in the game in a move of mutual self destruction. The city shall fall, the only question is who will receive it? The villain or the hero?

8: Dodger

The Luba Herrero war sees some level of progress as the Herrero manage to encircle the Luba city of Kabongo, giving some tangible chance of actual progress in the war. The nearby Luba army in the north however, portends that any progress will be marginal at best. This will be a long one folks.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Kiss From A Rose

9: Kiss From A Rose

The Chono empire has seen nothing but tranquility for decades. No conflicts, no pains, not much expansion. Just vibing. With their fish. And their seals. And such. Its quite the life really. We can all take an example from the Chono is some ways. Just staying still and appreciating life.

10: These Walls

We take a look to Central Europe, focusing on the Wallachian town of Turku. Being battered by Hanseatic troops, the peasants are trapped in the walls, unable to work or do anything of note really. As such, they resort to pure unadulterated chaos. Man turned on man. Anything on the street was for sale. Cannibalism turned commonplace. Sometimes they can feel the walls talking to them.

Meanwhile in Bucharest, the Council of Vampires laugh from their perches of the palace. Their magic balls have shown the debauchery and desperation their people

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Mama Said Knock You Out

11: Mama Said Knock You Out

The Scots initial advantage of the surprise in their assault of Kalmar has all but dissipated. The Kalmar navy is simply superior, having researched compass and found access to the far superior carracks alongside their unique unit of the Gun Holk, a weaker galleass that has double movement through coast. The Scots navy attempts to hold valiantly, keeping onto Aberdeen, but the Kalmar forces slowly approach, intent at reversing the losses inflicted at the beginning of the war. Who will come out on top here?

12: Saltwater

Caoque falls to the forces of the Susquehennock, as the other Karanakawa settlers in Newfoundland shudder. They heard stories of Old Sheehay’s. They say he throws insubordinate citizens into the water to drown, and that he has no face. But the Susquehennock know not of these rumours. Its just good business, they say to themselves, as more troops march to align Newfoundland into their grasp.

13: Solar Powered

We take a look at the Amazon rainforest, where it seems like for generations the Xavante and Potiguara have come to blows. Day after day there is a new battle in the Amazon, deep in the trees and hills and fields and rivers. The blood grows into the eyes of the trees, as the little inches of sun both sides can get are cherished. The leaders wish for no end to conflict. This war will dance forever.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Ain’t No Mountain

14: Ain’t No Mountain

The Caral come to blows with the Yanomami over disputes in cacao trade agreements. Unfortunately, if you’re a fan of either civ, I must tell you to temper your expectations. Theres a very large natural boundary called “the Andes” that neither civ can actually pass by with units, and it stands as a very big wall between their cities.

15: Scrap Or Die

Au contraire to my expectations, Zazzau learnt from their mistakes in the Wassalou war and manages to snipe Adama away from the hands of the Aures. When told about the news, Dihya shied away from her advisors. Her eye sockets seemed like they were about to burst. The nerves pulsated. The ball beckoned. New victims await her wrath.

16: No Scrubs

Its almost predictable at this point. Despite zero opposition from the Maravi, the Herrero have utterly failed to put any pressure on Tete and Sena. A large part of this can be down to their excessively horseman oriented army composition, as horses have a penalty on attacking cities. If Morenga was any smarter, he’d probably make a few pikes or swordsmen to accentuate the assault. But that would require him not being a scrub.

17: The Moon Cave

Uluru had been regarded by the Bunuba as a sacred spot for centuries, unused and deliberately kept out of the usage of all but the holiest of priests to enable the spirits to move. Not anymore. New South Wales has just established Fort Sorrell right next to it, enabling them to work the tile and gain its benefits, especially in faith. The NSW miners quickly get to work, inscribing every part of the rock for MacGregor's own use.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of In Square Circle

18: In Square Circle

Something about Ma’in just makes Phoenicia lock in for some reason. Maniyan has fallen back under their grasp, and Ma’in seems to be in no position to try to recontest. All that matters for Ma’in seems to be misery and failure, while Phoenicia just tries to build back through their patented technology of “hit Ma’in again”.

19: Cold As Ice

We take a look at the arctic circle, where Estonia and Bjarmia have been having a small conflict. A group of Estonian triremes have managed to make the first meaningful attacks either had on each other in decades - arriving at the Bjarmian capital of Vina and pelting it with potatoes. They promptly retreated, mooning the city guard while they’re at it

CBR In-Game Screenshot of La Mala Ordina

20: La Mala Ordina

Taking advantage of local smuggling groups, the Papacy manage to reflip Castel Gandolfo away from Aures hands. Its doubtful whether or not this flip can hold, but what is not doubtful is Dihya’s temper. Her fever is at its highest pitch. Blood will lay, as her crystal ball beckons.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

21: I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

Zyuzdino-Afanasyevskoye lay in the red, open to any melee units taking, but its approach has been hampered by geography and a lack of grit from the Ket. A single ice tile prevents the city from being captured from the ocean, and the Ket simply do not have any units coming overland to try to take the city in spite of ample forces across the region. Its a bit frustrating, since theres almost no defense from the Vyatka, but hey, thats life.

22: Eye Know

“Sir, Kaat’iu has been captured by the Tlingit!” “I know, I expected it.” Essie Parish had seen the writing on the wall, and the Pomo were more than ready to response. They let the city fall on purpose to weaken out the Tlingit chaff. And their armies are ready on the standy to retake it once the trap of conquest is sprung.

23: Buddy

The Susquehennock decide that it takes not one, but two, to seduce, pushing troops into Karankawa as the Ponca falter. Will they break whatever kumbaya dance the Karankawa had that has stunlocked the Ponca and Teotihuacan? Only time can see, but in the meantime, theres a advance force besieging Coapite.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Live From The Budokan

24: Live From The Budokan

We get a full look at the core of the Japanese empire. The citizens labor and work in the fields, satisfied at the extent of the land. But the counsel of Hideyoshi and his advisors know that Japan is due for more greatness. The war with Green Ukraine is a bit of a wash. However, there may be other targets in the horizon soon enough, even if opportunities look a bit filled up right about now

25: The Come Up

We move on over to the Scythian-Vyatka front, where Scythia has managed to continue their assault against Khylynov. The horde is giant and rowdy. They want to run the spear straight through the head of the people who tried to crush them under their thumb with a yoke. “Patience!” yells Atneas. “Our time shall come! The end of the Vyatka draw near! Now, raise your weapons and let us ride!”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Ain’t No Sunshine

26: Ain’t No Sunshine

Yunnan’s pitiful empire gets a spotlight in all its inglory. A small polity that doomed itself to irrelevance, they are well fortified between the jungles and the mountains and thats about all they have. Trapped between Tang and Lanfang, with no way to punch back, all thats left is for them to sit around and flounder on as a zombie. Its a bleak existence really.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Me Against The World

27: Me Against The World

Samori Ture was prepared for the war. The world hates him. Dihya had placed every other leader under a spell, that put her as the hero and him as the villain. But he knows better. He is righteous. He will prevail over the odds. A million Aures men are coming to crush him? Fine. Let them come. If this be his end, he will make them work for it.

28: Aloha Oe

We take a look at Hawaii, now almost entirely controlled by Cebu. Karnapo is the sole holdout, but it is entirely besieged by Cebu triremes, and should fall in due time. The amount of aura Cebu farms every single part is frankly impressive, and the Hawaii play really is the top of the list for that. It was completely out of left field, and surprisingly pertinent. For now though, they settle on the ashes of that high.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Money For Nothing

29: Money For Nothing

Despite a complete lack of opposition, it turns out that all it takes to make Jurgen Wullenwever, king of the Hansa, give up against Wallachia was a agreement of a undisclosed amount of gold per turn, provided in perpetuity upon the non-bankruptcy of the Wallachian peoples. Of course, the Wallachians have zero idea on what a “gold” or “money” is, so for all they know, they basically made the Hansa give up on a war for no reason. What a choke.

30: Avalon

Kouyam continues to hold on fast, a shining city in the hill, with the local citizens continuing to smuggle in amenities and smuggle out citizens from nearby Caoque. The Susquehennock are aware of this insubordination, but currently there have been a grand wave of purges within their military institutions, placing military plans in disarray for any reprimand. And so, Kouyam stays on, safely in Karankawa hands.

31: Dire Straits

The Scots are barely holding onto Aberdeen. After the initial momentum of their assault on Kalmar, the Kalmar are striking back hard, giving us a look into the future of naval warfare with their devastating mix of Gun Holks and carracks and putting Aberdeen in the black. The Scots own navy attempt to put a hold on the front, but given the Kalmar’s technological advantage, this may be something that proves a little difficult.

32: Lets Go

Something finally happens in South America. The Guaycuru and Potiguara are duking it out, and it looks like the Potiguara are willing to try to prove they can actually do something. It might take a while though, given the size of Guaycuru’s army in hand. And it may perhaps spell the end of their current enclave disconnect situation if they don’t act fast.

Also, offscreen, the Aures decide they want to try to kill the Wassalou again. With Sumer in tow, mesmerized by Aures spells.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of For The Cold Country

33: For The Cold Country

Lilinthgow somehow continues to hold on. The wily village of Scots is the last evidence of their existence on Scandinavia, an odd and very interesting colony that now ultimately is pointless. By all logic, it should be long gone, with Kalmar setting up catapults, melee units and carracks to take the city easily. But somehow, it still stands. A ephemeral city, standing in the snow.

34: Giannis

Pomo successfully reflips Ka’tuuli from Tlingit hands, sending a strong force to protect the city from further attacks from the north. Yet, another kerfuffle brews in the east. The Anishinaabe are mounting up a solid invasion force around Milwaukee and Waawiyataanong, preparing to mount an assault of their own in the near future. Complacency from the Pomo in this moment will be nothing short of devastating.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of 5 Dollar Pony Rides

35: 5 Dollar Pony Rides

Yet another Luba-Herrero War ended ignominously.

Is this really the destiny?

Of these two to juke for eternity

Despite never fucking each other over solidly

36: Deeper

Scythia begins to make further progress deeper into Vyatka territory, Khylnov almost in the black with the Scythian horde swarming all over their lands. The Vyatka have seemingly resigned themselves to losing their capital and all lands south of the arctic circle, troops pulling back to a salient near Orlov. This will be a tough campaign, potentially even an existential one for the Vyatka.

37: Touch The Sky

Castel Gandolfo falls back into Aures hands. With Aures reinforcements seemingly covering the city well, Julius goes to his chapel in the Lateran Palace and bows in prayer.

“Our greatest god Horus, hear ye my prayer, give us the strength and power to hold our cities against these intruders.” He offers a quail and bushels of wheat in sacrifice, and walks out back into the greater apolistic chambers.

38: Crime Pays

There are levels to the game, and this slide shows it. The Aures are barely trying, having dedicated most of their units to their other forever wars in Ethiopia and the Papacy. And yet, their carpet in this slide is not that far behind the entirety of Wassalou’s military. This complacency shows the contempt of Dihya towards Samori Ture - he’s not even an ant in her eyes. He fueled her future. And now he shall enter her past.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Larger Than Life

39: Larger Than Life

The crew of the Highlander looked on with awe. Many of these men have only just gotten onto the boat. And yet, they have never before seen one such as the Kalmar carracks or Gun Holks. Twice the size of their dinghys, and twice their firepower, the crew trembled as the cannons ring loud in their ears. The ship is on its last legs. Holes on the rigging and rudder. The water is taking on. But the captain had given the orders. “Take it to our graves!”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Horse With __ Name

40: A Horse With __ Name

We take a quick gander away from the action to take a look at the Kipchaks. The quirky horsemen are doing very fine all things considered, especially after the insanity of their start and the pressure placed on them recently by Bactria and Vyatka. After such a tumultuous beginning, this peace truly is what all good horsemen strive for, an opportunity to grow and actually scale unimpeded by war.

41: Hawaii Pt. 2

Cebu officially caps off its very, very unexpected acquisition of a new holiday home in Hawaii, securing . The Pomo swordsmen in the slide might be able to secure a flip or two, but the overwhelming presence of Cebuano naval forces should prevent any long term losses in the region. The only question left for Cebu is - where next?

42: wtf

In a very shocking development, Estonia has somehow managed to flip Rostock towards them, another chance for Lennart to try to make up for his original buttfumble of a war several parts back. To see if he can hold onto this however, he’ll first need to roll a big volition check in the midst of overwhelming Hanseatic reinforcements.

43: Something

In not so shocking news, nothing of note has happened thus far in the umpteenth Ma’in-Phoenician war. If you don’t pay attention, you can barely tell there is any war at all. The Red Sea is fully blue, and neither civ has the troops to commit to an actual conflict.

44: Spanish Bombs

We take a full look over the state of Portugal. Its a fine state of things, considering how disastrously the war with France went a few parts ago and how hemmed in they are between France and the Aures. While their navy is more prominent than their army, theres a decent enough military force on the mainland to contest any attempts at incursion. Joao had firmly beaten the Lazy allegations last episode by successfully conquering cities from Wassalou. What remains to be seen is if theres anyone else he can actually do that again onto.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Road To Nowhere

45: Road To Nowhere

The Scots manage to overcome the awe of the Kalmar’s more advanced ships and reflip Aberdeen! The Kalmar have more ships at hand, but trying to play into home turf will be a much harder task than they may have expected in spite of Scottish technological inferiority.

46: M.T.B.T.T.F

Khylinov falls to Scythia as the hordes raze their lands! The fire and fury from Atneas and her troops stand unopposed to Vyatka movements. In celebration, they take a giant brazier of weed and blaze it up together, a city wide celebration for what is looking like a knockout blow in their grand campaign eastwards.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Mouse And The Mask

47: The Mouse And The Mask

Danggu was at some point, in a time immemorial, a Bunuban city, settled as the keystone to its ambitions to the pacific. The current Chono populace, however, know not this history. All they know is that one day, they got there, somewhere in between the great empty and their colony to the west.

48: Zombie

The Vyatka managed to overcome Scythian assaults to retake Khylanov thanks to an empathic display from their calvary. It is a losing battle though, as the Scythian hordes are endless, and the Vyatka reinforcements are limited. All these brave calvarymen can do is hunker down and hold for the scantest hope of survival and recognition for their heroics.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Everything In Its Right Place

49: Everything In Its Right Place

Mystical forces have determined to Babullah a divine revelation. Ternate cannot grow. This be their fate and lot, lest they suffer the consequences. If anything, they must thank the Caral for providing their lot. As such, despite there being no way for Caral to reach the city, Dodinga was provided entirely to them by Ternate in a peace deal.

50: Doctor Worm

Not satisfied with merely 1 city, the Rouran continue their unopposed push into Potential Civ, surrounding Nikolaevskole with an army big enough to make a sand worm blush. These wriggling riders want to thrash and crash across the sand, besieging the hapless Green Ukrainians as Yurii Hslushko crawls in his palace in fetal position under zero pressure.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hail To The Thief

51: Hail To The Thief

The Scots settle Cromarty just north of the Isles, somehow squeezing another city in a region that can barely support as is. Its really a bleak city if you think about it, just a grey, cold landmass with nothing but fish around them. Grace O’Malley certainly isn’t happy about this development, as its right on top of her empire. But she’s not in the mood for war. Especially not against Mary, that beautiful devil. She just needs to think about what to do to get to the bottom of things.

52: The Sailor

The Teotihuacan find themselves with an unlikely ally in the assault of Bida’Miwana. A trireme from Cebu has decided to traverse the pacific ocean, straight through to the city borders, intent on helping out Spearthrower Owl. All they requested was a portion of the booty. Why not? Surely this may help against them.

53: Geronimo

While the front against the Tlingit has stabilized, Tlingit troops petering out, the Pomo aren’t safe yet. From the west, the Anishinaabe, led by erstwhile general Geronimo, have launched a well supported assault to take over Kad’iu. Geronimo was plucked straight out from the depths of the Babylonian cybersub to serve this task for Pontiac, a small favour from one rebel to another. He remembered his days as a leader himself, fighting and scrapping against the likes of the Haida and Venezuelans all those years ago. A small sigh. Those were the days. And now a chance to relive just a touch of that.

54: Supersonica

In a remarkably fast development for South America, the Guaycuru successfully secure the longstanding Potiguaran exclave of Cacheera, eliminating some of the bordergore that has plagued the pampas for centuries. If you asked them there, it is honestly more of a cause of jubilation than sadness. They’ve been cut off from Potiguara for far too long, and at this point are more culturally aligned with the Guaycuru.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hot Wind Blows

55: Hot Wind Blows

Castel Gandolfo flips back to the Papacy! Its flips have been so common that its honestly less of a battle and more of a natural phenomenon. On some occasions, you can find cardinals and noblemen of both sides standing on the sidelines and watching over the battle, basking themselves in the beach as the blood of their soldiers run red into the sea. At times, the most unholy of folk can even be seen placing bets on how many casualties occur in a given day.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Little Girl Blue

56: Little Girl Blue

We get a good look at the Xavante core, right in the middle of the Amazon. The beleaguered rebels make every stand possible against the overwhelming odds, turning their little enclave in the Amazon into a fairly nice place to live despite the constant wars and such. We also get a look at Nina Simone, a incredible musician and civil rights advocate in real life, as she plays the blues in the middle of their jungle tunes

57: So Be It

The Wassalou manage to make a shocking turnaround in the war against the Aures, flipping Madina against all the odds and leaving a bloody lip in the face of their overwhelming oppressor.

When an advisor came to Dihya’s tent to tell the news, he was shocked by the sight. The messenger that told her that was dead. The tithe for Wassalou shall be paid in blood.

58: Juvenile Hell

Caral, wanting to convey their statistical advantages into actual tangible progress, launch an assault on the Xavante. Unfortunately for them, they forgot that you need to have more than a few troops to actually take cities, even against someone as overextended as the Xavante. Meanwhile, Apoena merely sighed. To him, this is just another juvenile attempt at aggression and ragebait. It isn’t even the most pressing war in the past week!

59: Neighbors

The extent of Humabons refusal to settle new cities is best exemplified in this slide. Somehow, Cebu has rolled a 0 in settling bias, with Tang being able to settle Songzhou in the north of Luzon, a insult to Cebu’s pride. Humabon however, has just the cure to one-up Taizong’s tomfoolery…

60: Lightworks

An aura emanates from the Cebu capital towards the rest of the cylinder. A small pulse strikes the heart of all the leaders of the world, as if something is off. A tiny, black pulse. A strange energy that beckons, “bow down to me.” But for the average person, this is imperceptible. All they see is jubilation in the creation of Borobudur, the dedication of a monument to Humabayon’s glorious conquests, and the spreading of his religion. “We’ll see about that,” mutters Taizong.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of All The Things She Said

61: All The Things She Said

The year is 2000 BC. Estonia just made peace with the Bjarmians. No cities were exchanged.

The year is 1120 AE. Estonia just made peace with the Bjarmians. No cities were exchanged.

In the future, the Bjarmians shall once more make peace with the Estonians. No cities shall be exchanged

CBR In-Game Screenshot of La Vie En Rose

62: La Vie En Rose

While the Aures and Papacy are trading barbs over Castel Gandolfo on a daily basis, the Franco-Papal front has proven to be remarkably stagnant, the Pyrenees mountains and France’s lack of a Mediterranean fleet preventing them from making any meaningful progress. Robespierre does, however, send a rosy letter to Dihya, proclaiming that together, they shall trample on the blood of all the false icons and fools that dare mess with the world. It fails to cheer her spirits.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Monochrome Lovers

63: Monochrome Lovers

The Japanese troops in Hiroshima successfully repel a very half-hearted and weak attempt from Green Ukraine to assault the city. Really, in some ways, this war between them is a dance between two lovers who have no love with each other. No commitment, no talking things out, just cold stone walling. And honestly? Grukraine isn’t really keeping their bed clean either. Its not exactly a impressive over there guys.

64: Kita

We take a look at the Sumatran core of Lanfang, particularly in the south. Lanfang has been vibing and chilling, still building up and licking wounds from the assault on Bunuba, encompassing a decent statline and a strong carpet. We also get to see the isolated Mysore territory of Dharwad, a locale where uniquely the locals wind up speaking more Hakka or Hokkien than Tamil.

65: PRIDE.

A war between Sumer and Pakistan erupts again, Jinnah eager to prove that the improvements he’s been making to his nation will convert into hard power and growth. Unfortunately for him, the Alborz mountains and Sumers surprisingly good techline means that this war will probably go nowhere, especially since Pakistan’s troops aren’t too prepared themselves.

66: War Pigs

A wide shot at the Potiguara core reveals two important things. Firstly, it seems that despite declaring the war, the Potiguara are firmly on the backfoot against the Guaycuru, with the majority of their forces still in the north. Secondly, the Xavante are making a strong push, damaging

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Waiting For Love

67: Waiting For Love

Aberdeen gets flipped again in spite of Scottish ships in the ready to flip it back. Its standard protocol at this point. Couldn’t the Kalmar spread their ships out a bit? This bit is getting a bit old.

68: Idioteque

Ok, this is getting absurd Teotihuacan what is going on. The Sonoran corridor is wide open, and yet not a single unit dares intrude on Pomo territory. E’lem is a big choke point yes, but the entire Salt Lake Basin is wide open! Is this some sort of curse placed by the Pomo on their sands?Oh I’m getting word from Co’kdajal, apparently theres a curse or something in the works? Something like, “thou shalt falter in these harsh sands” that blow south or something? And its solely for Teotihuacan because their ancestral mother spirit hates the warrior spirit of their people? Ah understandable then.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Jallalla Ayllu Pahaza Marka Qalaqutu Pakaxa

69: Jallalla Ayllu Pahaza Marka Qalaqutu Pakaxa

After a whole load of Nothing Ever Happens, the Yanomami-Caral war ends with absolutely nothing happening. The two civilizations celebrate this absolute nothingburger by drinking fifths of chicha and dancing in jubilation in the mountains, unable to remember why they even fought to begin with.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Debi Tirar Mas Fotos

70: Debi Tirar Mas Fotos

Simultaneously, the Ket peace out with the Vyatka, unwilling to spend the effort to actually try to retake Zyudino-Afanasyevskoye or pressure Shestakov. The Vyatka breath a sigh of relief, as one of their pressures is out for now. I wonder if Ioann Anikiev Myshkin regrets not remembering how grand his empire was, before the Scythians cleaved straight through it.

71: Katyusha

Laventy Beria and the Anishinaabe are on the verge of completing the first objective of their relentless push west. Kadi’u is in the black, and a pikeman is perfectly positioned to pull the flip. He dreams of all the people he can requisition for his personal use when the city is Anishinaabe. He dreams of dungeons, and all who have ever wronged and doubted him. He dreams of doom, and death forevermore. His thoughts wretch the living and dead alike. But they are merely thoughts, he thinks.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Garbage Pale Kids

72: Garbage Pale Kids

We get a small look at the bottom of the barrel of the cylinder as we get a exhilarating shot of the Yunnan-Pegu war. As Yunnanese horsemen actively trip and fall on themselves outside Dagon, Shin Sawbu came out of the palace with a very important announcement. The people are gathered all around

“My dearest subjects, I am very pleased to announce that we have achieved peace!”

Jubilation erupts. Lovers kiss and brothers cry. Perhaps they can finally know peace again, and return to normalcy instead of the surrealism of a Yunnanese siege.

“...with Circassia!”

The jubilation stops. All thats left are a sea of blank eyed faces.

“What is a Circassia?”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I’m Waiting For The Man

73: I’m Waiting For The Man

We return to the Herrero-Maravi front to see that literally nothing has changed. Is this actually a elaborate staging of Waiting For Godot? Should I become Pozzo? Should I try to recruit someone to become Lucky? Should I sing and dance and shout and pout until something actually happens here? Bah, they won’t matter, Godot is not arriving tonight.

74: Kings Dead

As we see from the popup, the Tang have decided to try to see how hard Cebu’s aura really is and decided to test them. Taizong’s folly might be present most obviously in the newly settled colony of Songzhou. Despite having just settled down in the Philippines, the Tang decided they can use it as a forward base southwards, a bold strategy given the high Cebuano troop buildup just southwards. Don’t be surprised if the city flips.

75: Punk Tactics

On the other hand, there is reason to believe that the Tang may have smart decisionmaking on their hands after all. Shuri is completely surrounded by Tang troops, a sneak attack Cebu certainly did not prepare for. Whether or not that force can pierce 29 city defense is highly debatable, but let it be known the Tang do at least have a plan and objective.

76: Liquid Swords

Madina falls back into the grasp of the Aures, the Wassalou firmly on the backfoot again. The blood drips out from the riversides as the Aures give swift retribution to all who sympathize with the Wassalou.

Back in Bissandugu, Samori Ture summons all his generals and advisors. He presents them a sword and a small bag. “If you choose the bag, we end this charade and end the war with the Aures right now, no matter the cost. But if you choose the sword, we will go fighting till our last, even if it costs every inch of our body.”

77: The Bird

We take a look at the Susquehennock core, now seemingly at peace and uninterested at gunning after the Karankawa. Between the impressive, if somewhat backwards, carpet, we get to meet John Andrews, the great architect who in our reality is best known for designing the CN Tower. In this reality, he’s still trying to build new and unique monuments for the usage of the Susquehennock, including a giant bird that serves as a new town hall in Lawi-Saquick.

78: Distractions

Oh that is interesting. The Xavante have thoroughly citadelled the Guaycuru city of Mision El Toba, leaving it very vulnerable to a straightforward assault if needed. Of course, on the other hand you can just as easily argue that this move is going to provoke a Guaycuru response just as they are working together to take down the Potiguara. But surely international land grabs like these don’t matter right? Right?

79: Get No Better

The Anishinaabe make the flip of Kad’iu! However, the Pomo have had ample time to prepare a very sizeable relief force nearby. This is going to be a interesting flipfest that shows no sign of stopping anytime soon.

80: Old Town Road

Several turns from when we last saw it, Nikolaevskole is still in remarkably good shape considering the invasion force intruding within it. I think Potential Civ has been so lethargic with the defense that the Rouran have been left chasing ghosts, distracting them from actually marching into the city to deal damage.

81: Hurrian Hymn

Sumer manages to pull a very surprising upset, retaking Kish from Pakistani control in the midst of their carpet and in spite of the logistical difficulties of the mountains and Ea-Natum’s wife. Now, whether or not they can keep it is a whole nother problem. But if nothing else, it does show some signs of life from Sumer, long after we called them completely out of for the count

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Instrument Of Surrender

82: Instrument Of Surrender

VOLITION (12, FAILURE): That city is not for you Lennart. You know it. You will never be anything more than a snivelling, snot nosed loser. Your people will remember you for nothing but surrender. And thats it. Thats all you’ll ever be, for now, and forever. The ghosts of the past will terrorize you like a Jungian spectre, a endless circus of fools and fuck-ups

Rostock flips back to the Hansa

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Under Pressure

83: Under Pressure

Catu begins to start seeing some real pressure being applied to it between the Xavante archers and the Guaycuru Haliaganek. Its truly remarkable just how badly Felipe Carmacho miscalculated. He is losing a war he himself declared. And he has no one to blame but himself for this embarrassment.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Come And Get Your Love

84: Come And Get Your Love

The Ponca stare outside the outskirts of the Karanakawa core. The forces are more than numerous enough to be able to take over the pittance of the Karankawa, but strangely, the men do not move at all. White Eagle goes to the front to investigate. And to his disappointment, all he sees are his troops dancing, laughing, at times even playing jokes with the enemy. “What is this insubordination?”“We just can’t! They’re our brothers! They gave us our homelands back, so we have the duty to keep theirs”

White Eagle returns home in anger. What a bunch of losers.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hotel California

85: Hotel California

Kadi’u flips back into Pomo hands, with the Anishinaabe seeming completely unprepared for a re-contest. Geronimo is nowhere to be seen, having decided to return to the cybersub after his contract is over. Beria is dead, shot in the streets of Kad’iu, long before any of his twisted ambitions can come to light. The Anishinaabe army is in disarray - morale is low, and desire to continue fighting in the gutter.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Back Tuva Future

86: Back Tuva Future

Having grown weary of the settled life, and already very loosely governed and confederal in nature, the Phoenicians decide to become a nomadic horde, Hiram serving as a figurehead for their confederal politics. It is an interesting development for sure, if not very pertinent in the grand scheme of things.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Canzone Venezia

87: Canzone Venezia

To facilitate the storage of the greater sized boats they researched recently, the Xaragua successfully construct a large series of interlocking canals within their cities, giving greater access to navigation for all ships. Now, I’m personally unsure if it was actually built in Yaquimel, given that its only a 6 pop OTI city. But its there somewhere! And its certainly fitting for them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of California Dreaming

88: California Dreaming

As it turns out, there was more than a small trireme awaiting in the Pacific. The Ryukyu have sent the majority of their fleet to California to launch a grand raid of Pomo, so confident that the Tang just don’t have the cajones to beat them that they are going in on trying to get a North American colony 400 turns earlier than any Asian civ before them. The initial conquest of Bida’miwana was a very confusing one, as they were led not by Teotihuacan conquerors but by a people utterly foreign and alien to them. And Spearthrower Owl was furious when he learned that he has been denied another city by his very own allies.

I also implore you to potentially keep an eye on Po’tol. While most of Pomo’s other cities are too insulated by geography to expect another flip from Cebu, Potol has 3 naval tiles and potentially just low enough city strength to contest it, especially with the size of Cebu’s navy.

89: Gold Digger

Unsatisfied with the gains of merely Uluru, and wanting to get past the Great War, New South Wales drops another citadel against Bunuba, stealing several salt flats and a copper tile from Darlingnaya. This all works towards the grand design that MacGregor ultimately wants to punch at - total elimination of the Bunuba. Their economy is theirs, their faith is theirs. Soon, their cities will fall too. None shall stand in the way of the great procession of drunkards.

90: Luv(Sic)

Taking a break of the horrors of Castel Gandolfo, we get a small look at the Papal contingent in Greece, led by Hiroshi Yamauchi. The great merchant has found quite the business entertaining the troops with unique sets of cards. He’s especially proud of his own mascots of “Mario” and “Luigi”, two brightly colored jesters and carpenters who love going on adventures, and he especially loves making new tales about them. Oftentimes, they are performed as puppet theatre, the audience having the opportunity to see if they can defeat the evil Queen Dihya by the end of the adventure. Or maybe they instead use a rock as a ball.

91: Carolus Rex

We move on back to the great Finnish nothing, where Estonia attempts to roll a savior faire check against the Kalmar city of Vassa. Unfortunately, Lennart doesn’t realize that attacking the city isn’t a dialogue option thats currently open, and he needs to at least park up that catapult before he stands a chance of actually doing damage.

92: Feel No Pain

We move on back to see a full shot of the Zazzau core. Ethiopia is mounting up an offensive to attempt to retake Adama, and possibly more, from the witty Zazzau. However, as we can see, the Zazzau have managed to make a very respectable comeback from getting whacked by Wassalou early in the game. They have a full carpet and pretty decent city defense all over. It will take a lot more than that to try to pierce them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Worst Come To Worst

93: Worst Come To Worst

We take a small look at a part of the world that is currently somewhat irrelevant. Japan has just settled Nagoya in what I think are the Marshall Islands, with another settler in toe to settle Guam. While irrelevant right now, if city growth patterns develop just right, this could cut off Cebu’s connection to Hawaii and their American colonies. Humabon should keep an eye out for these developments.

94: Hold It Down

Shuri looks to be in a little more trouble than expected, with the Tang surrounding the city in units and Cebu’s reinforcements looking rather slim, consisting primarily of 2 triremes and 2 embarked Timawas, who have amphibious by default. In the meantime, Tang has a veritable army prepared for a naval invasion, including 4 triremes and a Forbidden Guard stationed in Taiwan to take potshots. The saving grace for Cebu are 2 things - firstly, 29 city defense is pretty decent and should hold up fairly decently against the entire assault (especially since theres only 1 ranged unit taking potshots) and secondly, many of the embarked units are horsemen, which, assuming most of these units don’t have Amphibious, means that repeated assault will be especially unproductive. Still, this is a large source of worry for Cebu, given that Shuri is the heart of their growth efforts.

95: Driftwood

Aberdeen falls back into Scottish hands, for good this time, as Kalmar and Scotland made peace! All in all, this war wound up a success for Scotland, trading one useless city in the arctic circle for 2 Kalmar cities in the Faroes, locking down the North Sea for them for the foreseeable future. Now if only they can actually finishing researching Compass and get access to Carracks and Galleases.

96: Elephunk

We quickly address the elephant in the room as Bactria gets a tiny shot, having citadeled their way through half of Sighanaq and filled it with Elephantarches. The Kipchaks must not be feeling too good, as their position has just been left wide open for a potential Bactrian assault. Can they even afford retribution at this point in time?

97: EN EFF

The Pomo’s recapture of Ka’diu proves to be enough for the Anishinaabe to give up on the relentless push west, opting instead to make peace. The Pomo aren’t finished with their wars, the Cebu, Teotihuacan and Tlingit all still posing tangible threats. But nevertheless, this is a good victory for them, one they sorely need in light of the losses in the Pacific.

98: Harvest Moon

We’ve been focusing a lot on the western half of the Anishinaabe this episode, but what of the east? We get to see a large lakeside navy, standing off tensely with the Onondaga snow blanket to the east. A prominent DMZ had been established across the Penewobecong, but theres no guarantee that either side would be willing to keep it. Especially not the Onondaga, with that heavily pointed carpet of theirs

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow

99: Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow

We take a very good look at Greenland, a multicultural polity divided by a variety of different civs from all over. We got Scots, Onondaga, Tlingit, Susquehannock and Karankawa settlements all on different sides of the island, and you really cannot make any logical sense of where Scotland and Karankawa wound up plopping their cities. While some of their polities have been in constant wars against each other on the mainland, the Greenlanders have no use for war. In the harsh snows, there is no enemy

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Last Donut Of The Night

100: Last Donut Of The Night

We end the episode on a shot of the Hyksos, fresh off their peace deal with Wallachia. They don’t really do much, having not bothered to move a single unit for any meaningful combat thus far. You know it, I know it, we all know it. There really isn’t much left to say that hasn’t already been said for the past few episodes. Anyhow, my name is JDT1706, and thank you for watching the show! And if I don’t see you again, good evening, good luck and goodnight!

The intercom rings out into the cybersub again. This time, the voice was scratchy and old, the ghost that had been putting on the weekly radio show went ghost. “Fine ladies and gentlemen, and all in between, I regret to inform you that the cafeteria is temporarily out of donuts. Please hold your cravings for them until next week. Thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience”

The grand hall of leaders groan in procession.

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