Episode 5: The Call Of The Land – S5

Hello hello once more, it is I, Orangechrisy, back again for the 5th episode for the 5th time, because nepotism of course (love you Coiot <3). Now, a bit over three years ago, during CBRX3, I said I would infiltrate the dev server, and I can confirm that I have succeeded! Back in November our great gamerunner Lacs asked me if I could help do some tests because no one else was around for some reason. I said sure, but that it was like the day before EU5 came out and I’d be playing that for a week straight so I can help out after. I got invited into the server, and then a couple days later Lacs did something to get past the crash cycle she was stuck in, and thus we are here. With me in the dev server despite having done absolutely nothing.

ANYWAYS: Oh boy, this is the second royale I’ve had my own civ in (I had Malacca in CBRX2), so as such I am going to be quite biased towards Pomo throughout this. I hope they do well, because as always, I do not read ahead. So come along with me, as we venture into this world of the worst plays known to man.

I get to write this when my comic is out this time (it is currently Friday night)! I rushed it early cause I know I’m gonna be busy starting Sunday, so it’s actually done already. However in my rush I forgot to add some shading to it. D: I’ve been trying out a new style this time and I’m not sure how well it gets compressed but oh well.

After all, why shouldn’t I give myself a second OC slot? I’m sorry to those who want a map here but I’ve actually rushed out two comics this week, my weekly one and another Lazy Portugal Show! (Well, I finished it earlier today, but I’ll be posting it tomorrow morning (Saturday)). The original Lazy Portugal Show was what pushed me to make my comics, and I have been so happy to see all the OC this season. Thank you Archimedes and Sketo and Nope and Emerald and anyone else making civball comics and other OCs, though also lmao I get to be a selfish bitch. :3

Coiot’s been making some really cool updates to the site, and these donations pay for the server that hosts such a wonderful site! But fr check out all the stuff Coiot has been adding, it looks really nice. He should also finish the rest of those Tibetan civs he was working on wink wink nudge nudge.

Coiot: Few more new features out you might stumble upon, announcements when I clear the bugs!

Look it’s gotta be Pomo, again I get to be egotistical like this. Wow good job Pomo on settling again, and beating back Tlingit, and being all around cool.

And here we start things off, among the sanded down corpses of those lost to the failure of a war that is the Bunuba Invasion of New South Wales. Bunuba, despite their losses, or maybe because of them, develop new beliefs for their faith.

Bunuba jumped way up to second in the rankings based on the hype over this war, hype that did not live up, but that’s not to say they aren’t doing well. Both Australian civs are at the top of the stats and Bunuba has a whopping 9 cities to NSW’s 8. Alas for them both, they are trapped in the land down under.

Ma’in makes a moratorium with Hyksos, this time bravely not giving away their (new) second city. And hey, they got another settler out again, ready to settle the useless desert which is not gonna save them from being the rump of all rumps here.

Elsewhere in this slide, Ethiopia, Hyksos, and Phoenicia all have settlers out. Also Kipchaks attack Sumer, it won’t do anything.

Susquehannock has been expanding well, Sasquesahanough is down just east of Onondaga, and Quadroque even further north, and another settler heading west to compete with the Ponca on the Mississippi. However their rivals in the north enhance their religion, and still have quite a lot of space throughout Quebec.

Here we get to see those new enhanced beliefs. Onondaga gets Reliquary, giving extra faith for Great People (and one faith on the Palace), and Sacella Society, giving +2 Faith and +2 Gold on Shrines. Bunuba on the other hand gets Missionary Zeal for stronger Missionaries and Altars, faith buildings granting +2 Happiness +1 Faith and +1 Tourism.

Also it doesn’t get mentioned further so Phoenicia and the Papacy make peace, and Wassoulou joins the Sumer hate train.

“Hark! The white shores are ahead of us! Men, ready your weapons! We attack once we hit the shore!”“We can’t attack sir! We aren’t at war!”“What do you mean we aren’t at war? Why have we sailed all the way here otherwise?”

Umhaill sails a fleet to who knows where, Hanseatic League gets another settler out to bolster Denmark or the inner continent, and France has a settler about to settle in Brittany with another in Marseille and yet another in Paris.

The Bjarmians settle across the White Sea and get another settler to keep going along the coast. Their war with Estonia ending in nothing, just wasted breaths, as they continue to get pushed to the edges of the Arctic north. These are the lands of the useless, the lands of the could-be’s and never-is’.

Vyatka continues settling the north too, and Estonia and Scythia fight over some forest deer.

Wallachia is settling west, with two more settlers around their capital, yet nowhere else to really put 'em down as Scythia and the Papacy encroach closer. Though if the Pope settles where they are (which I *think* they might be able to with that coastal city distance mod?) it will be quite the easy city to take, especially as the Pope is about to be at least somewhat distracted by the French, for however good the French might be.

Rumblings are loud in the new home of government for the Kongsi Federation, the republic in heated debate over who to blame over the failure of the Ternate war. The recently in power lawmakers of Mao’en planted the blame on the complacent bureaucrats of the capital in fiery shouts and even deadlier writings. The battle rages hotter than it ever did at sea.

Lanfang makes the Forum Magnum in a city that isn’t even their capital. It gives +2 Great Magistrate points and a free Magistrate Court in every city, something related to JFD’s Rise To Power I believe. I don’t know how useful that is at all.

Humabon steps forward, newly crowned, taking his place upon the newly built Royal Dock, only something fit for a Rajah. The past few years have been rough, but Humabon believed that with this change, he might be able to assert enough authority to succeed in the war. Yet as is the folly with so many kings, they fail to think further ahead, no settlers in sight, Cebu continues to fall behind. The Rajah, feet planted firmly on the wooden dock, remains adrift among a sea of true conquerors.

See I don’t want to like, go back to the previous slide and edit the wording to be a different last word cause I like what it was, but now it feels a bit weird to use conqueror and then conquest so close together. Yet stupid dumb annoying Ismail Berzeg of Circassia got proclaimed as “the Conqueror” for some unknown reason, despite only ever being in one war which has seen no units die, their current war against Sumer, because they joined in like a lemming and apparently being a follower who hasn’t done anything worthy of recognition is enough to be seen as the God of the High Heavens. Fuck off Berzeg, I conquered your mom last night.

Amina seemingly got tired of sitting around in her own failing civ and decided to become a general for hire in a different failing civ, Yunnan, of infamous CBRX5 Episode 4 Slide 68 notoriety. Egads, what a horrific blunder. They have three more settlers out, maybe that’ll do them some good. Maybe that’ll let them give away more cities to Tang for no reason because they are- y’know maybe I need to take a breather.

Mysore is, doing well. Yeah. Doing well. Mid tier stats held up by an impressive military, but well enough expansion opportunities and a good shot at dominating the subcontinent. Two more settlers are about to make their homes in the north, preventing themselves from being cut off by their two neighbors and giving some access to Kashmir and Nepal maybe. Solid core here, would be nice if they take Rajshahi, or build some boats to take Khulna.

Xavante is still alive! Wow! Still sucks to be them though, as they are pretty fully blocked in, and they can’t really fight out of here any time soon as the terrain is just awful. We also see the failures of expansion here: Potiguara has encroached fully in the east, there is no place for Xavante to get anything down there despite that settler heading into a small gap. There is a spot on the north coast I believe but Potiguara has not one but two settlers nearing it. There’s also a spot just to the south but Guaycuru is rapidly approaching it and has a settler two tiles below it, but Xavante has one two tiles above it. Maybe it’ll be an even draw, unless Guaycuru moves a unit onto it first, which they probably will do.

Anyways Guaycuru’s culture sucks ass they still haven’t gotten Cerro de Potosi yet despite it being in range of their capital, nor either of the two luxuries next to Potosi. Really quite shameful of a display.

Sargon of Akkad, hopefully the ancient ruler and not the youtuber, gets recruited by Luba to help defend themselves against the hoards of Zazzau. It immediately proves effective at sending Amina’s government-in-regency-while-Amina-is-fucking-off-to-Yunnan into enough of a panic to quickly sue for peace.

This one goes out to my greatest rival Archimedes: Teo ain’t shit come at me bro.

Okay actual analysis: Teo moves to settle El Salvador, and has another settler up north ready to move out. However their progress against Karankawa is still nothing. Karankawa themselves have settled Coco on the Mississippi, forcing Ponca to go further east, and they have another settler around Cujane doing who knows what. But I think what’s most important is Karankawa’s fighting itself. First of all they have three triremes, and their workboat UU (the Dug-Out) converts to a trireme when it makes a fishing boat, and with the damage Hix Witz has taken there’s a slight chance Karankawa can actually take it, though it’s probably unlikely. More so than that though, Karankawa’s UA gives them speed near rivers, makes defeating units spawn Holly or Oysters, and their units heal/gain culture when defeating units when on said unique resources. It’s a very good UA for a grindy war like this one, so good job to Teo for giving at least a minor boost to Karankawa, they needed it, what a nice guy.

“Did I speak too soon?” I say to my archnemesis Archimedes as the next slide shows Behe’pal beheing beheaten up by Tlingit triremes. But no, I did not. Because those triremes aren’t nearly enough to take the city, especially with the city attack + archer + chariot archer + soon a second chariot archer raining arrows down upon the ships. More importantly both civs have settlers out both heading northeastwards. Lot of land out there to claim.

Two new cities settle around Iberia, the French place Nantes in Andorra (and they do settle Le Havre-Marat in Brittany), while Portugal goes further east to settle Gaia on the Balearic Island(s). Both civs also have secondary settlers hanging around, France looking to settle in northern Iberia while Portugal heads to maybe Barcelona. After those, there should still be another spot in the center to grab too. C’mon João, don’t let a repeat of Hastings happen.

Eagle eyed viewers last episode (which is to say I think Nope or whoever it was) may have seen this, a Tarkhan, the Kipchak UU, under Circassian control. This is the Kipchak UA at play! Most obviously seen through its UU since only it can get it, but the Kipchaks can have their units become mercenaries sold to other civs, gaining bonuses when they return after 30 turns. Ain’t that cool!

I’m writing this while in the CBR voice chat with EmeraldRange (he gets no spoilers of course) and the slide title is the sound I made when I saw this slide. For fuck’s sake Joseph Maria, for fuck’s sake.

The Canine Warrior is the Teotihuacan UU, a spearman replacement that starts with Drill II if trained in a city with a wonder (they don’t have any wonders yet), and gain +100% Combat Strength against cities if you have captured a city from that civ already. Useful if they attack Karankawa again in the next 20 turns.

It’s only been a turn since the last time we saw here actually, so I was right about them being just about to attack the Hanseatic League, the message just came slightly late. Nothing much will happen here though, Hansa has more than enough archers and Hamburg has only one tile of access.

We get a nice shot of central North America, and the Ponca empire and what remains of Karankawa. There’s a spot to settle east of Coco which White Eagle looks like he’ll nab first, though that big empty game northwest of Coco can’t actually be settled, Húbdon and Tangouaen are just a smidge too close together.

Circassia, in their “expansion era” decides to enhance their religion while they’re at it. Their empire is currently looking okayish, better late than never, and they still have two settlers in the northwest doing nothing. Phoenicia looks to settle more of the gaps to their southeast.

Rapa Nui’s fabled settler lands upon the eastern shores of Papua New Guinea, or as it’s known in this world, the Island of Soahsio, to maybe, perhaps, settle a third city. Hotu Matu’a however is notoriously difficult to please so who knows if they will actually settle in such a nice spot or if they will keep moving towards worse pastures.

Guaycuru decides the best way to slow down their southern rival is to settle right in the middle of them. I don’t think this will work. We also see their UU here, the Haliaganék, a Horseman replacement which restores nearby units movement when it defeats a unit or a Barbarian Encampment, whatever those are.

Simon Bolivar appears at least fairly close to what could be Gran Colombia, here to help the Caral do, something I guess. Maybe he saw the disastrous failure of the Caral Linear Formation and decided that he could do better. Now he just needs a target.

Also Teo heads to the Galapagos. Screw Panama.

Tang builds the Tradition tree wonder Hanging Gardens in Luoyang, giving them a nice boost of food.

Scotland is scouting out the great northern island of Greenland, checking out the ore deposits and snow of the glacier covered land. Umhail passes it by to try and scout New Foundland where a ruin remains unclaimed.

After the peace with Karankawa, Teo got some new enemies. Anishinaabe who can’t do shit and now Xaragua, who might send a few triremes at Pa’chan or Hix Witz, but probably won’t do anything.

Sigh, Bapanada.

Humabon, with his new kingly powers, builds the Apadana Palace, granting him two free reforms, another Rise To Power thing I believe.

Circassia’s new beliefs include Choral Music, to spice up their Temples with extra culture and tourism, and Mandirs, faith buildings granting Culture, Faith, and a Great Work of Art slot.

Huh that’s weird. Bet it doesn’t mean anything. Anyways we get a little overview of the religions of the Cylinder! Hyksos predictably has the most cities already, something they will likely keep the whole game because no one else in Africa got a religion, and they can compete in the Middle East and Western Europe. Pakistan is also growing beyond their own borders, presumably to Mysore.

The rest of the religions are even smaller, with a number of civs still with just one city following their religion.

And we get a map of the faiths! One thing to note, is that for a number of civs newly founded cities have instantly gotten their religion for whatever reason, you can see this with Bunuba, Pomo, Anishinaabe, and hey, what’s that? Yep, Rapa Nui too! Not really sure why this is the case, but oh well.

We also can see with this map how the spread of religions have ended up. As said, Hyksos is the only one in Africa and Western Europe remains empty. Eastern Asia is also empty, as well as Caral being the only religion in South America (no Rapa Nui doesn’t count). Most religions are clumped together around Anatolia and North America.

Garibaldi, the Italian revolutionary, finds himself in the frigid cold where he must do yet another Risorgimento but for Scandinavia. In awe, Estonia and the Union make peace, no cities changing hands. Also the Bjarmians settled Glasisvellir out east and Estonia is currently founding Viljandi at the bottom of the screen.

Wassoulou and Aures are in a settle-off for the Sahara, Wassoulou getting right up into Aures’ face but Aures has two settlers coming down, one for the west and one for the east. Wass does also have a settler in the south, not sure where it expects to go. In addition, Aures has their UU, the Zenata Rider, a Horseman replacement which can pillage for free, gains xp based on faith output, and if built while an enemy is in the city’s borders it permanently gets to ignore ZoC.

Also Portugal settles Leiria where I thought they couldn’t because there was sheep there.

Galdan Khan, Khan of the Dzungars from last time, appears among the Seychelles, maybe he can help fight Sumer. What he can do at least is negotiate friendship with Scythia apparently. Also they have another settler out heading to southern Madagascar and I have no idea where that Maravi settler went.

We get to see the very impressive and expansive Tang core here, with the newly settled Jicheng and Guangzhou, and the Tang UU: The Forbidden Guard, a Composite Bowman replacement that increases growth in occupied or puppeted cities by 10% when garrisoned in one. They do have a few of those already, annoyingly.

Ternate joins their northern enemy in becoming a monarchy, maybe it is due to the grave threat that is that new Rapa Nui settlement. Or maybe Babullah just wanted more power for himself and has a bit of an ego. Whichever works.

Pegu ensures they do not get a fourth mainland city with Muttama blocking anything around it, though they can still get the Andamans. And wherever that northern settler went.

Elsewhere, the race to expand is growing fierce, Mysore has three settlers heading north, Bangladesh has another near the capital, and Yunnan is sending one north and one south. Sure wish Pegu had gotten in on this race a fair bit earlier.

One Rapa Nui city vs 20 New South Wales cities. NSW has expanded more, this time to Tasmania, and they have another settler going west, fully blocking in Rapa Nui’s wayward claim. A shock to be sure, I don’t think anyone saw this one coming.

Nope will be happy to know in his propaganda efforts against the Aures that they have hired noted Nazi general Erwin Rommel, likely due to his experience in the deserts of North Africa.

Elsewhere, Aures sends another settler into the eastern Sahara, Portugal gets ready to settle Valencia, and France plopped down near IRL Bilbao. I think we should praise Portugal for getting to (soon to be) 7 cities, we should always praise Portugal.

“A monarchy? Well, of course Portugal is a monarchy, what else would it be?” João thinks. He is of course the advisor to the king, Great King Maria of Portugal, so it can only be a monarchy. Yet here he is, on the Cylinder once more, in charge of ruling Portugal, without his dear king who he has a very complicated relationship with. So what is he to do when the Portuguese people say “We have a crown for you,” but sit and think about the crown that used to be there. After a while of sitting and thinking he accepts the crown, Portugal is a monarchy after all, but is it really right for him to wear it?

The picture moves only slightly but it is enough for Aveiro to be settled, leaving the center still open for perhaps that settler up near Porto. Anyways this means next time I make a Lazy Portugal Show episode I get to put a crown on him, maybe, or perhaps he chooses not to wear one anyways, I haven’t decided yet geez I just finished the last one, give me a break.

Paraguayan General of the Battle of Curupaity, Jose E. Diaz, finds himself in Bunuba as a few stray horsemen attack Dimalurru. Yes that war is still ongoing and progress continues to not be made at all despite NSW still not having tech parity at all. Those swordsmen and Comp bows are not helping it seems.

Huddled together in fur coats, a small group of Tlingit claim a patch of tundra near some deer on that rocky northern coast as their new home, Yakutat. The Great Sheiyksh had proclaimed a new order recently: “Cover the northern coast! The cold won’t matter once it is firmly within our grasp rather than that of our neighbors!” And so they listened, they walked, they stumbled, they shivered forward on and on through the hills and mountains till the icy sea showed before them in all its glory. Whatever glory that was. They struggled to start fires this far north where not even the trees dared to grow. A frozen hell, but their frozen hell, it would be no other’s.

Avacha is settled in yet another flippant display of care towards the Green Ukrainians. Their war having been so useless that Itelmen deigned to settle right in the midst of their war camp. And well, it seems they remain right about their safety, the bowmen struggling to fight the city despite its placement. Green Ukraine would have a much better chance if they went to take that Tang city instead.

Japan settles Kanazawa nearish to where Seoul would be, right in front of Green Ukraine who was looking to do the same. Japan’s doing quite well for themselves, it has to be said. I think they will be able to contain GU quite well. Also Rouran has an army marching somewhere, presumably to GU.

It took me too long to notice that Scythia has Slobodskoy in the yellow, and given how surrounded it is it will probably fall in a turn or two. Presumably revenge for them not being able to settle anywhere. Just to the west, due to that monumental peace deal, Estonians begin to call Lennart Meri “the Lawgiver”, for all the laws he gives. Though if the other Epithets are anything to go by, it’s likely done to mock him.

Maravi settles Teto I mean Teto I mean Teto I me-. Maravi settles Tete on the southern coast, just around the other side of Otjikune, and they thought they could get the cape but Herero looks to get there first. That other settler is still hanging around the capital for some reason.

Ma’in encroaches with Nashan, Phoenicia does the dastardly settle of Berytos, and the Seychelles look to actually maybe finally be making progress against Eridu. Wonder if that will go through. Either way, Sumer is a bit Screwmered this game.

Peace is made in the Australian Deathmatch that had so little death they called it just a match. What a disappointing war. Anyways Rapa Nui has their UU: The Matato’a is a Composite Bowman replacement with extra sight and range, and on unimproved coastal hills (which they don’t have right now) they can get a bunch of Great Person points and a 5 turn WLTKD. Kinda wild of a unit ngl.

I got eyes so good they call me the Pale Wyrm, I’m not looking at the short term cause I stand firm. Romeo and Juliet ain’t forbidden love cause they’re straight, I write stuff down when I see it cause I can’t wait. If knowledge about this UU is what you want to see, then maybe go back to slide 43.

Okay I’ve immediately eaten my words cause Scythia decides they don’t actually want to wait one more turn for peace, and call it there while Slobodskoy is in the red. Bro you’re just getting more and more hemmed in.

Simon Bolivar, probably by not yet having left Huaricanga, does not help Caral take Mokaritateri from the Yanomami, and instead helps them make peace. Meanwhile Teo doesn’t actually go to the Galapagos but instead looks to settle just north of Bandurria.

Pakistan watches as the quite massive Bactria army moves north for what is likely yet another failed conflict in Central Asia, and decides to attack their undefended backside. Sadly for them their army is not in position and is likely not going to be enough as Bactria has a solid enough defensive force that has stayed back. They do also send out a settler north to try and beat Mysore heading to the same place.

Channapatna got settled, two more Mysorean settlers are nearby and one is off in the Taklamakan desert. Pegu’s settler also finds itself up there, maybe it will do something. Yunnan got cut off, Bangladesh is walking around instead of going north, Qara-Khitai has another settler out and Bactria wonders where it can settle that isn’t the open space to their west.

Also Yunnan settled another city in Vietnam. I’ll notice what I want you can’t stop me.

Ket settles close to Rouran, their citadel of an empire slowly expanding towards their neighbors, pushing the walls ever outward. The Itelmen also have a settler nearby, getting blocked off but they still have lots of space to go. Both Ket and Rouran also have other settlers nearby.

“Are you sure this is the city we’re supposed to attack?”

“Yes, it was something starting with a ‘B’ and this is the only one of those around.”

“I feel like this is a bit far away don’t you?”“Look man, the orders were to take some city that starts with a B and this right here is a city that starts with a B, if you have any more questions, you’re getting flung off this boat.”

A lone Tlingit trireme tries its hand at the newly settled Bida’miwina that was settled like ten slides ago, it is going poorly. There’s still quite a few places to settle around here, that Teo settler has barely inched north, so hopefully Pomo can get in there before them.

Pegu manages to get the Gate of the Sun, a really good wonder, even more so if they had any lakes. So they don’t get the lake yields part of it, but they do at least get +15% growth in all cities. Alas it won’t be of much use to a civ that has so few cities.

It’s shit civ vs shit civ round 2: Electric Boogaloo. Will Shin Sawbu be able to pull off the capture this time? Who the fuck knows! Maybe there will be a peace right before a city falls yet again! Well, this is what Pegu needs to have any semblance of a chance, so maybe it’ll do ‘em good.

Eridu does indeed fall to the Seychelles, limiting Sumer even further. Think this is the first actual city capture of this episode, the other one was a gift. Wild. Eannatum doesn’t care though, he’s still too busy banging his hot Sumerian wife.

Rouran continues their play of doing very little, getting another settler out, cause they know they have so much space and time. They also get their UU, the Wriggling Rider, a Horseman replacement that gets +1 movement during Golden Ages, refreshed movement when on fresh water tiles (or maybe only when also next to a Barb? It’s worded a bit funny), and can dig wells in plains and deserts that provide fresh water. They should probably use these guys to put fresh water all over their lands.

I forgot to write about these guys during that Pakistan war dec slide, so good thing this is here. The Elephantarch is a Swordsman UU with 4 movement points where each point spent before attacking increases combat strength by 10%, and starts with extra XP based on the city’s food level. Sounds like a whole lot of UnitSetXY event triggers.

Nice. Anyways Umhaill makes peace with the League after nothing happened, though Hansa’s settler they had around has disappeared somewhere. I’ll also take this chance to say that France and the Papacy made peace after their nothing of a war, and Ethiopia and Zazzau too.

The Union settled Ribe right on the League’s front door, and Umhaill settled Carrickkildavnet on Scotland’s front door. How will these rivalries handle this? How will this footy be balled?

Luba gets British EIC rebel queen Chennamma of Kittur to help them defend the jungles of Africa. Ethiopia meanwhile decides to skip past Luba entirely to attack Herero, a war which will surely have anything happen in it.

That Maravi settler starts heading back north. Bro’s just doing loops.

Mary does the only thing she can think of when she sees the new Umhaill settlement: Declares Scotland to be a nomadic horde. That’s right, the Scottish people will now travel on horse throughout the highlands and down through Anglia, onto the continent and up on boats to the northern islands. Or maybe she just meant in football terms, where O’Malley will be faced with a horde of players rushing at her team’s goalie. Either works I guess.

Tang finds the Bangladeshi city of Barishal to be an eyesore on the landscape and decides it must be theirs instead. They send a small army at it but more than likely Taizong intends to just force it out of their hands in the peace deal yet again. Why fight when you can just be given things on a silver platter.

Avacha gets battered by count ‘em 5 comp bows, and takes barely any damage. Yeah I think they will be fine.

The Rouran horde continues to move east, clearly preparing to attack either Japan or GU. And Japan has built up quite a large defensive force around Hiroshima, wonder what that’s for.

New South Wales manages to snag the southwest of Australia with Liverpool, and another settler on the way, meanwhile Bunuba doesn’t have any out, but still space remains.

The Kipchaks settle Ak, and immediately get attacked by Vyatka for it, who has their own settlers running around trying to pop down nearby. Not sure anything will come of this war, but it should lead to some bloodshed, and maybe Nikulitsyn or Dymkkovo will end up falling. Bactria also prepares to settle just south of Sarai.

Caral, noticing how shit their neighbor just off the coast are, sends out an array of triremes at Anakena, the closest a capital has been to falling thus far. However, the city has 29 strength, and one of their religious beliefs grants +25% combat strength for the city’s ranged attack. So it probably won’t fall, but oof that’s gotta hurt for Rapa Nui.

Timur, the great conqueror of Central Asia, appears roughly where he did IRL, and has set himself up in Bactria’s army, ready to fight against the Kipchaks. The Pakistan problem is fairly easily handled, and now the Kipchaks are facing a two front war, maybe those archers will be enough to take Sarai this time. And if not, well they do have three settlers ready to quickly expand that way too, and all three are near spots where they can indeed settle.

A few Teotihuacan sailors drift along the currents towards land that is, very, very far away. They see battles being waged at sea, ships fighting over cold ocean while empty land sits nearby. It seems even out here, across an endless expanse, war still finds its home. Peace was never an option. Peace can never be an option.

Martin Olleta decides that Rapa Nui can’t be the only civ having fun sending settlers out to far off lands, and thus a Chono settler passes by Hanga Piko, heading towards the Philippines. Who knows where they will end up? Not me, not you, Lacs does though. What does she know?

The Ponca settler east of Coco has disappeared seemingly, no idea where that went, but they commemorate it with a religion enhancement. In the meantime Pomo settles Kadi’u and has another settler partially off screen near the capital, and another settler near Maka’hmo looking to further expand the northeast claims. Teotihuacan on the other hand is moving ever closer to the Barringer Crater.

Hey did you know that Barringer Crater is officially called Meteor Crater? That’s what the name is. It’s only called Barringer Crater cause a guy named Barringer was the first to say it came from a meteorite and bought the land for mining. But like, really? Meteor Crater? That’s what you went with?

Ponca gains a Holy Order to spread their religion further away and Mounds, which give a bunch of food and Great Scientist Points. That’s a pretty good one.

The first civ to settle Eritrea is not a civ in Africa, but across the Red Sea with Ma’in, trying to claw themselves back into it with a fourth city before Hyksos or Ethiopia can settle it, or before that Maravi settler comes back for the second time. Ethiopia does move to settler Djibouti though.

Sidenote, basically everyone’s got a larger capital than Ethiopia, even their other cities are doing better in that regard.

The Seychelles decide now is the time to attack Maravi, right after they founded another city down in South Africa and while the Seychelles have two settlers on/next to Madagascar ready to go, somewhere. However, they should’ve probably prepared a bit first since Glacis has barely any defense and can easily be taken, and they don’t even have any triremes to harass the coast. Please don’t tell me this will somehow be a win for Maravi.

On the other side of Maravi, Herero decides to join in too. Their track record with Luba is sure to help them in this war, with their units completely out of position, and a city that could easily be taken if Maravi devoted enough to it. Please don’t tell me this will somehow be a win for Maravi.

Both civs here also settle further, you can see the Maravi settle of Sena I mentioned and the newly put down Aminuis. There’s still technically a couple more spots to go down here, like the very tip of the cape.

We stay focused on Maravi once more, though the turn has ticked over, as yet another neighbor jumps on the pile. Luba attacks, and they will also still do nothing. Please don’t tell me this will somehow be a win for Maravi.

Ket and Rouran continue to expand, with Kangatovo and Hetulin being founded and multiple settlers out and about nearby. This shot does make it clear how strong Ket is comparatively though, definitely a lot more built up and quite the army mulling around.

While everyone else is attacking Maravi, Sumer decides it’s time to make peace with them.

*staticky announcer voice* This is it folks, the match of a lifetime, on one side of the pitch we have the League in their home town, and on the other the Union. There’s the first whistle and immediately the Union is playing aggressive, pushing against the League’s defenses. Copenhagen trying to run it through the middle of Lübeck and Bremen, but Lübeck gets their foot onto the ball and knocks it back to safety, Lübeck to Kiel, Kiel to Hamburg on the side, and Hamburg takes the ball up the field towards Ribe. What a thrilling match already folks.

The citizens of Anakena cower in fear as raiding parties from those blasted triremes come to shore, burn a few buildings, and hop onto their boats before the arrows hit them. It’s a dastardly use of hit and run tactics, but the Rapa Nuians are people of the sea, they are people of the stone. The shrines are prayed to and the circles set, the healer shamans working as fast as they can, they would survive this onslaught, even if hurt, even if the raids keep coming. They’ve faced worse, and they will face better.

The Caral fleet is not doing nearly enough damage, I don’t think it’s falling. They should’ve attacked earlier or waited till they had Galeasses.

Bactria has split their army, one half spreading out around Demetrias for some reason, the other half heading south to Rawalpindi, where they might see some success. But in the meantime nothing has been sent to Marakanda, or to Sarai, so Marakanda is already on the verge of falling. Good job Bactria, even Timur can’t save you.

It turns out that that large Hiroshima defense force was to join on the side of Green Ukraine against Itelmen, or as some might say, on the side of the Itelmen god. Chineshisheliu quickly takes a bunch of damage and yeah uh that shit is falling quickly. Meanwhile just a bit west Avacha has been brought down to black but the Itelmen were smart and killed the melee units first, leaving the nearest one stuck fortifying instead of attacking. It should be safe for at least a few more turns minimum.

New South Wales has decided that it is finally time to rid the Cylinder of the only joy we have: Rapa Nui’s dumbass second settle. Tis a sad day, everyone pour one out. NSW hates fun. I’ve always said the civ that starts in southeast Australia sucks, what more proof do I need?

The Seychelles like to dance on the edge, as they get a settler on the coast right in front of a Maravi archer, but luckily for them it is currently Susquehannock’s turn and I believe Seychelles will be the next one to move, not Maravi, so they will settle in place and have an undefendable city only defended by Maravi’s assumed incompetence. The battle rages on west of Maano.

That stupid settler is still hanging around their capital. Also the Seychelles make peace with Sumer, no cities changing hands.

The Pomo enhance their religion as Behe’pal gets attacked fruitlessly yet again. Their current settler is heading north to settle above Kadi’u presumably, though there is space east of the capital and northwest of the Ponca capital. Teo down south continues to move their settler north at a pace of two tiles an episode. Checking back, we first saw it on turn 78 in Bejacul itself; it has moved three tiles northeast in 11 turns.

Also yes Pomology does exist, it is the study of fruits. What a great thing, perfect for me, who goes by Orange, who made a Pomo mod.

Onondaga settle on the northern coast of Quebec with Gistswiahna, though they don’t have any other settlers out right now when they really need some. They need to cover this area fully, especially so they can start building a navy to invade Susquehannock with once that war starts up again as it surely will.

On the minimap some slides ago it turns out that that Teotihuacan settler had turned back north to settle our beloved canal city, ensuring there is connection between the two oceans for the rest of the game until the city gets razed in the Renaissance era. Yanomami also settles Hawaroweteri on the northern coast, and Karankawa finally gets a Yucatan settle down with Copano, which will surely remain theirs for a long time.

Oh yeah Xaragua is attacking Teo, barely.

Mysore is the first to settle this area with Salem right in the middle of it, giving them a strong position, and they have another settler soon approaching, as long as it doesn’t get cut off by that Bangladesh one. Pakistan also founded Peshawar, ensuring they got something down at least. Qara-Khitai has three settlers which have been standing around doing nothing this whole episode. And Pegu is still waddling north at a slow pace through the Tibetan mountains.

Pomo, who didn’t have a very good religion before, pick up two quite nice beliefs. Religious Texts ensures that Bole Maru is one of the better spreading religions in a region that is a complete religious battlefield, and the Ceque System gives faith from Caravansaries and trade routes (not connected cities like it says), greatly helping their faith production. But really Religious Texts is the big one.

The Pomo ideally want to spread their religion south, as that gives +10 HP when healing for every unit, though right now the last converted city was definitely Maka’hmo, so to the north, granting units +1 movement when starting near to a religious unit which they don’t have any of right now. East is +20% GP generation, and west is trade routes giving +5% growth to cities they connect to (hard to do when there is open ocean that way).

It was cold, too cold, too deathly cold that one had to wonder how anyone could ever survive here much less thrive in such a place. Yet that’s what they were told to do, that’s what the orders were, that’s where their journey has taken them. To the top of the world, where their limbs freeze and their hands shake and their bones cry out in pain with every step. But every step is also a step towards greatness, for the homeland, for the people of the Tlingit. Every step further is another inch that they can use and no one else can. The land may seem useless, but the orders say, as they always do, that it is for the greater good, the future foreseen, the future desired. Freezing temperatures mean nothing in the face of the destiny of a nation. The shoulders of Gods hold them up, they will hold each other up too.

The Bjarmians try yet again to get out of their self imposed prison that they created by not expanding. This time they attack the Kalmar Union (with the concept of support from Scythia), who are busy being distracted by the most engrossing game of football. I doubt they will be able to take Vassa, but you never know.

Maravi’s final neighbor bids Maravi “Hello” and “Goodbye”, choosing to send a settler guarded by a spearman as their choice of attack. Please don’t tell me this will somehow be a win for Maravi.

Jozef Poniatowski, the Polish general and Marshal of the French Empire under Napoleon, finds himself on the wrong side of Russia, well past where Moscow should be, and this time under the control of, well, I don’t think the Vyatkans are quite Russians? But they control Russia here so it is what it is. He’s been hired to try and help them fight the Kipchaks. They currently have a decent offensive heading towards Kanjak Sangir, and that city has very low strength given it’s up against comp bows. Maybe they can do it.

I’m sorry Emerald I think Pegu just suck shit this game. They haven’t dealt a lick of damage to Geiju this time, somehow. They also have a settler heading down south, maybe to Sumatra? Anyways, Cebu settled in south Vietnam, finally getting themselves to three cities after only 90 turns. Why is the only civ we don’t see at all the only one here doing good (Lanfang). Like we’re just getting to watch a bunch of failures fuck around here, these guys suck. Sadly. I want them to do well.

Chineshisheliu looks to be much safer now that they have a comp bow clearing out the triremes and the unit next to the city is no longer there. Still solid chance it’ll fall given the 9 strength, but solid defending so far. Japan is having a hard time. So is Green Ukraine, who have moved that spearman one tile closer, but it still has to cross a river and a hill to get there, and who knows if the city will still be that deep red by the time they get there.

And so we end on the same continent that we started, Australia, with a shot of Hanga Roa about to be swallowed whole, NSW preparing to settle more, and Bunuba letting it all happen despite NSW still not having caught up in tech, no comp bows, no swordsmen.

Some quick catches on the minimap that were missed: Aures and Wassoulou settled in the western Sahara, Portugal settled Madrid, and Guaycuru got another on the coast. Also it was shown but I didn’t say specifically but the Kipchaks got three settles down at some point and Vyatka two.

I, Orangechrisy, have been your host for today, it is 7pm Saturday, I feel like there should be a few more narrative bits though can’t figure out where to put them, but otherwise have rushed through this in mostly one go cause I decided I wanted to do a game jam with some friends starting tomorrow. I hope you all enjoyed, go support Pomo, and Coiot can’t silence me :3