Chapter 13: The Bitch is Back – G1

Welcome back… me? I guess it’s been too long since I last narrated. Thank you to all the guest narrators who took over the work I had missed so I can get a much-needed mental health break. You’re all lovely.I’m gonna be a bit rusty today as I try to get back into the flow of things, but I’ll try my best.

Egypt is our most recent minor power, having joined the ranks last episode. However, not all is well- there’s a bit of trouble in paradise, as Egypt is still at war with its neighbors. They seem to have a pretty solid core, but it seems to rely too much on artillery.

France is kept alive by Jeanne d’Arc’s royal necromancer, as they hang on with 1 HP. For the ritual to save the nation to succeed, a large blood sacrifice is demanded. Jeanne sits at the edge of tears, and she is left with general Gilles de Rais. Unbeknownst to her, the general had already planned for this.

New France adopts the oft-despised Liberalism, which is a benefit to them but a detriment to my increasingly annoyed viewers. However, looking at what’s been happening to Brigham Young lately, I’d reckon it’s for the best.

The Mixtec capital of Tilantongo sits at 1 HP, and is effectively just a pile of rubble with an outhouse. Amongst the rocks, there can still be heard the faint groans of life… but is it truly living?

Yemen has a lot of potential energy, like a rock on a hill, but doesn’t know which way to roll. What is known is that when they do roll, they’ll certainly crush whatever stands in their way. Honestly an impressive performance from Arwa al-Sulayhi.

Ur is getting smashed.

Makhnovia seems to be my best performing civ in this royale, but honestly it doesn’t seem like they’ve got much more to do. Unhappiness seems to be tearing them apart, much like the constant wars they get into, and just looking at their core… there’s not much of an army, is there?

A distant cry could be heard from all four corners of the universe when the city of Ur fell, as though it had seen a powerful king bend their knees to a force beyond reckoning. The Pahlavis have done it. Shulgi stands no longer, and the great forefather of all civilization sits in ruin. So it goes.Ur has been eliminated in 49th place.

Elsewhere, it seems as though Gilles de Rais’ senseless slaughter of children through the French countryside would be enough of a blood sacrifice. Still, his prayers go unanswered. For every kid that came into the world to die by his hands, he wondered how many he would have to kill to save his nation. Perhaps the eyes of god no longer touch this blood-stained land.

Or maybe it wasn’t enough in the first place, Jeanne thought. Perhaps, if a leader needs to succeed, they must believe in their people as much as their people believed in them. As the Illyrian muskets rang through Orleans, the patron maiden gently lowered her flag. So it goes.France has been eliminated in 48th place.

It seems our Lion King, Thomas Peters, is about to remember who he is as the Azande declare war on his defenseless empire. Usually in the circle of life, the antelope doesn’t eat the lion, but Gbudwe is determined! Portugal also declared war, to make matters worse, although that declaration isn’t shown.

Within the turn, Bo falls to the Azande. Yeah, this isn’t looking good for our favorite wildcard.

It’s our favorite superhero-loving Papuans’ turn to adopt an ideology, and they choose… Liberalism. To the surprise of nobody.

Ngurunderi of the Ngarrindjeri is not happy with the Papuans minding their own business, much like colonial Australia, so they decide to interfere in the most predictably violent way. Honestly, it looks like Ngurunderi could deal some major damage.

Sokoto’s foundation crumbles away as Gbudwe leads a frightening force into the lion’s den, thus grabbing a capital from underneath Peters’ nose. Tick-Tock, Thomas.

All is good for Siam- they field their UU, adopt Liberalism, and are currently not dying. However, it might be good for them to get out and start invading their neighbors.

The outhouse has fallen, and Tilantongo starts to rebuild under the watchful eye of Rootin’ Tootin’ Sam Houston. The people often wonder what happened to their ill-advised leader, but the thoughts quickly die as well as the memory of such a person. So it goes.

The Mixtecs have been eliminated in 47th place.

The Omagua and Guaycuru make peace, shaking hands and passionately making out to signify that they are serious about their newfound resolve for peace. “Uhh, okay,” some reporters said, “That’s not really appropriate diplomacy but who are we to judge?”

King Carlos leans back on his new Survey Yacht, pondering the major questions of the universe and staring at fish. The ship doesn’t have much of a combat purpose, but can at least generate science and doesn’t require coal, thus allowing Portugal to spam this Ironclad replacement.

Huaishuo and Nirun are under siege by the Tongmenghui, China’s unique unit. Our mustard-colored Mongols are probably going to get swallowed up by Sun Yat-Sen and his ever engorging maw, especially since Rouran seems to be armed with crossbows. Yikes.

This orange can’t be contained, as the Azande project their power into Kipushya, a former Luba city, owned by Sierra Leone. It doesn’t look like Sierra Leone has a chance to retake it.

Kondiu faces an intense naval siege at the hands of Ngurunderi’s Ngarrindjeri Navy. Try saying that three times fast.Also, feel free to enjoy a look at tropical Polynesia! There are Mormons, Papuans, Indigenous South Americans, and Yemenis! Truly the crossroads of the world.

Coimbra has fallen, and Port Loko isn’t looking so good. Thomas Peters is getting pushed into a tiny corner of West Africa, and what was once a major contender is now left at the brink. I gotta be honest, I don’t think Peters can recover from this.

Having heard tales from the Blue Oyster Cultists of mysterious entities in the region, Washakie sends himself heads down to Florida. The people initially seem friendly, if rather old and tradition-oriented, but nothing seems off at first. Little does Washakie know that, no matter who it may be or whatever may come, the Florida Man curse ALWAYS comes true.

We interrupt this message to bring you an urgent update.The Eastern Finns have adopted Liberalism.We now continue with our scheduled programming.

Mongolia intervenes in the Chinese invasion of Rouran by stealing Huaishuo from both of them. What’s more, the city doesn’t look likely to flip, and Mumo is under siege. This is not looking good for our yellow fellow.

Sierra Leone might actually want to worry, to be frank, as Port Loko has fallen and Peters is probably going to get wiped off the face of the cylinder. That said, it was fun while it lasted.

Sanharao falls and things are getting progressively worse for Peters as he’s now relegated to 5 cities. Recovery is now properly impossible, as all of Peters’ neighbors overpower him. Whatever chance Sierra Leone had is now gone.

The Pahlavis are… actually gaining momentum. They’ve conquered Ur and now set their sights towards the White Huns, which could be some serious gains. On top of that, they field their UU, the Literacy Corps. One of the other narrators might’ve already talked about them but I like the unit, so too bad.

Ambang is so devastated it might as well have been me after a minor inconvenience. The Wahgi might just get kicked off of Australia, thus giving the Ngarrindjeri a perfect port to plot an invasion of Papua.

It seems China has redirected their forces from Nirun towards Mumo, leaving a gap for Mongolia to try and take the southern city while China goes for the capital. No matter who wins, Rouran loses.

In the crisp Scandinavian peninsula, an actual war breaks out! The Eastern Finns seek to bring white death to Norway, for the crime of… Being a bit boring? In any case, this at least brings a bit of life to this region.

The frontline of the Rouran-China/Mongolia war is pushed into the city streets of Mumo and Nirun as the Tongmenghui turn Rouran’s outdated army into dust. It looks like the Sun’s gonna set on this empire.

Sarkel, seeking a country that actually cares about its people, joins the Eastern Finnic populace. If our experience from the Deseret is anything to go by, I suspect Makhnovia is going to be in a state of REAL anarchy.

The great state of Deseret constructs the Kremlin, proving that Brigham Young truly knows what Socialism is. That is, he read an online blog from someone claiming to be Communist believing it was the famed manifesto, and bought into it hard.

The southern Africa colony of Kenema has been captured by Portugal with a sneaky naval invasion. At this rate, Carlos will have to change his name to Carwin.

Out in the great Gobi desert, the city of Mumo has fallen into the hands of the Tongmenghui! Rouran has lost their capital and looks to have no chance of recovering it!

The Ngarrindjeri take Ambang, putting them strait across from Goroka. If they’re able to push the war forward into Papua, the Wahgi will be in real danger.

Portugal is starting to pick up the pace while the Azande are trying to carry over a large military force into Sierra Leone. Waterloo is under an intense naval siege, and Falaba could fall quickly.

With the fall of Nirun, I think we can safely say that the end of Rouran is near. Left with only a fraction of their original lands, they’re not in quite as bad of a position as Sierra Leone, but that’s not saying much. Oh yea, and Nirun is getting razed because China’s conquered too much and is miserable.

The United Fruit Company adopt liberalism, and frankly there’s not too much more I can say here, but at least I was able to find a song title for this one.

Portugal and the Azande are splitting Sierra Leone like a kit-kat bar. The Azande forces are evermore intimidating, but Portugal stands to make some decent gains as well. This partition will probably end up separating the country into two: Sierra and Leone.

Sure enough, the Azande tear through Granville and Bonthe within a turn. Sierra Leone’s army is almost completely wiped out, and poor Thomas has started to Peter out.

You already know what it is, except it’s Goguryeo this time. Don’t worry, once we’re through all the slides of civs adopting Liberalism, we won’t have to go through this any more. Here, have a song title.

Waterloo has been taken by Portugal, and the Portuguese armada surrounds Freetown. Yeah, I don’t think there’s much left in it for Sierra or Leone.

Gaochang has been captured by China, and Rouran now sits at a meager 5 cities. However, it seems as though the natural defenses of the region will protect Rouran, as I honestly don’t think China will be able to push much further. China burns Gaochang out of spite.

Freetown falls to the unstoppable Azande mass, constantly growing over the African lands. However, things seem to be getting tighter for the Azande who might find themselves with little opportunity for expansion. I don’t even want to look at this.

This is it. Perhaps the last time we’ll ever see Sierra Leone. Thus, I’ll take a break to say a serious message of appreciation for a civ that performed really well in the opening phases, but ultimately got outmatched. They might not have settled a random landmass, but they’ve randomly settled our hearts.

Yet another city revolts, as Ghazni joins Kazakhstan after having heard tales of it being the greatest country in the world. After all, their national anthem even says so. Surely they wouldn’t lie?

Thomas Peters did not fall. Even when all was lost, he stood proud. In the final moments of clarity, before Falaba fell to the Portuguese, all he could do was smile, knowing he had done all he could. So it goes.Sierra Leone is eliminated in 46th place.

Tonsberg is under a pretty intense siege by the Eastern Finns, who are fielding Riflemen and Gatling Guns. Siam also joined in on the Norway hate club, for those who noticed the notification, but something tells me it won’t be relevant.

Nuevo Pilcomayo is settled right near the arctic, with Kamehameha’s sub keeping a close eye on the settlement. Why did the Guaycuru settle there? Because they could.

The settlement of Draper joins… Cascadia? Weird choice but alright. Cascadia now has 4 cities, and one of them is one the big island of Hawaii. Draper isn’t really a useful settlement, but I’m sure Osborne Russell won’t complain.

The fighting spirit of Japan haunts Goguryeo once more, as Shin is already facing a VERY intense siege. Japan’s intent on keeping its Korean colonies. Of course, of all the civs to be historically accurate in their performance, it had to be Japan.

The very tiny village of Xihai is facing an immediate siege by the Tongmenghui, intent on taking literally every Rouran city. Nevermind the fact they’ve been razing all of them.

Yup, Norway adopts Liberalism. Anyways, how was your day? Terrible? Mine too.

Like a flash of lightning, you could hear the thunderous roar of Japanese lancers piercing into the core of Shin, and yet you’d miss the capture of the city if you so much as blinked. Yeah, it was that fast.

The Yakuts, seeing an opportunity to make easy gains, declares war on the unsuspecting Goguryeo folks. Gaemo-ver, man.

Finally, we’re right at the conclusion, and there’s only a few more things to cover. First, Xihai has fallen and is promptly razed by the power-hungry Tongmenghui.

Next, we get a proper look at our power leader’s core. Yep, that’s pretty scary. Forty-three population in Aden makes it seem like Yemen’s not losing their tech lead anytime soon, either.

The Omagua adopt Liberalism, spitting in the face of god and shattering my hopes and dreams.

To top it all off, Sweden adopts… LIBERALISM! Shocking, I know. Now, I’m going to go cry into my Elton John body pillow. I hope you guys have a very Merry Christmas.

Oh fuck, idk Yemen’s purple now, yippee! Egypt lost their green flag :(

I played Choctaw Stickball recently and that was very fun. Unfortunately, the Choctaw themselves are absolutely in a bad position and- believe it or not- are likely not going to win. Thank you, and have a good night.