Civ Battle Royale January 15, 2022
ExplosiveWatermelon
As the music settles after victory celebrations, one finds themselves no longer wishing to maintain the peace they had, instead longing for the triumphant days of battle. Despite everything, this is still… The Civ Grand Royale!
Greetings everyone, my name is ExplosiveWatermelon. You might be wondering why I introduce myself in every episode.Anyways, after major bloodshed and the fall of 2 formerly major contenders, as well as not-so-major Sumer, we continue the conflicts where we left off.
The Azande delivered a crushing blow not only to Sierra Leone, but to the whole of the CGR last episode. They now make up a major portion of Africa, and have proven themselves fierce contenders. However, if we look at their core, it seems like they’ll need some time to prepare for the next war. That said, I doubt they’ll be challenged anytime soon.
The independent Choctaw city of Tuskahoma begins a brand new day, having re-elected mayor Pushmataha for the 417th time. Really, there aren’t any other candidates, and the only one legally allowed to vote is Pushmataha, but he won at least 50% of the votes. “Can’t argue with that,” said one unmotivated citizen.
Eystein of Norway’s defense of Tonsberg is so shoddy they might as well have left the door open. Seeking safety, local nobility have teamed up with the commoners in order to compose a letter to Eystein, reading:“Dearest Leader,
We know you have a kind heart and open ears, so please, if you have any assistance to save us, we would greatly appreciate it.
Regards,
-Tonsberg”
Eystein sent them, in return, a box of small white flags.
If I had a dollar every time Japan impressed me during a test, I’d have a dime. That said, they’re doing pretty well in the final version of CGR- having successfully occupied Korea. However, much like historic Japanese invasions of Korea, I suspect China’s gonna get involved. For now, Japan made peace with England, having found national unity in making shitty cartoons.
While we’re taking a detour through Asia, I’ve decided to stop by Goguryeo, who seem to be preparing a proper invasion of the Yakut homelands. Tygyn Darkhan better watch out! He’s only a full infantry tech behind!
Sun Yat-Sen’s China continues to be a thorn in the side of Rouran- and by thorn I mean cannonball. After taking a huge chunk of Yoogly Moogly’s core, it seems like Yoogly Moogly might even be weaker than Tsakhiagiin. You know what they say- the early Golden Sparrow gets the worm.
The Ngarrindjeri invade the Wahgi homeland, marking yet another moment in history where Papuans have been screwed over by Australians. I’m kidding, of course, the only bad things to come out of Australia are Civ 5 modders.
Portugal somehow continues its streak of domination by declaring war on Christina and capturing a Swedish colony that I didn’t even know exists. I was so surprised by this capture that I evidently took the screenshot too soon- poor Linkoping has its name censored.
Yup, it’s time.
Washakie of the Shoshone hasn’t prepared a force compared to Louis de Buade’s New France, but with that said, the difference in tech is probably going to decide it along with the powerful Shoshone production base. Not to say it’ll be an easy war- in fact, Louis de Buade has a clear path to victory if he can push early- but I don’t suspect New France can bear the burden for long.
Shin has been reclaimed by Gwanggaeto’s Riflemen, but there’s a pretty large force in the Japanese city of Mokjeo. I also didn’t realize it until now, but Goguryeo doesn’t have much to protect either. A well-timed invasion could wipe them off the face of the earth.
Kazakhstan claims Baghdad in their cultural conquest of the former Timurid core city. It seems that instead of Timu-ridding the world of devastation, the Kazakhs instead opt to unite all peoples within their nation.
Like a lighthouse in the fog, New France seems to invite all prospects to its rocky shores. In this case, the Deseret have joined to take advantage of the open back door. Tough luck, Louis.
Japan takes Shin as easy as a misplaced step, thus reducing Goguryeo back into its shell. It doesn’t seem like the Korean candidate will pull this off.
It seems our beloved Grand Commander has an impressive core, but don’t be fooled- if you’ve been paying attention to the infographic at the top, you’ll notice that they’ve fallen back to a middle power. Their lead is diminishing, but they still maintain an impressive military for whenever they do decide to wipe someone off the face of the planet.
Washakie puts the pain in Painkwitikka, as the citizens observe the first city captured during the war: the snow-snug city of Lachine.
Also, who names a city Roy?
Cascadia cascades across the Americas, as their domestic domination of the Deseret dominion continues with the city of Provo. They decide not to raze this one, thus claiming a large chunk of what was once Deseret homeland.
Osborne Russell holds a contest to redesign the city flag.
Fine, here’s a screenshot of New Zealand. They ain’t doing shit. I don’t know what you expected.
But seriously, they do field the Royal Artillery Regiment, their unique Artillery replacement. Now they just need to use it in war.
Despite the camera being focused on the wrong thing, this screenshot does show that Ulansuhai Nur is under intense Tongmenghui siege. Still, I could’ve taken a better photo.
The Ket adopt an ideology. Guess what it is. No, really guess.
If you guess Communism, you’re wrong! It is, once again, Liberalism.
New France’s precious island colonies keep getting whittled away by the Shoshone navy. Checagou didn’t stand a chance.
After the prolonged siege of Ulansuhai Nur, the city falls and is promptly razed. Joy.
The Shoshone leader uses his Washa-key to open the doors of Providence, pushing the front of their war with New France into the proper core of Louis de Buade’s empire. What was once formerly known as ‘that city that used to belong to New England’ is now recalled as ‘that city that used to belong to New France.’
Oops. Looks like China took all of Rouran’s remaining kingdom in a single turn, razing most of it. The horrified citizens look on from Huaiyu as they watch their kingdom burn.
Trois-Rivieres now falls to the warlord Washakie! Of course, it’s uncentered so it’ll probably go as overlooked as my constant alliteration attempts.
Oh… Oh dear…
Tyushtya stops fucking around and just sends a legitimate army to take Tonsberg. The Norwegian citizens best start waving their gift from Eystein and hope that the Eastern Finns will be merciful.
Let’s face it, the Finns won’t be merciful.
Barbarians ravage the wastelands near Salt Lake City as Brigham Young pays for his political transgressions of ‘not joining the Liberalism League.’ People are pretty miserable in Salt Lake City- a man can’t love another man for fear of being targeted by his peers, people try to maintain old traditions in spite of changing necessities, and Brigham Young has plastered his name on every building. It’s just like…
No, it couldn’t be…
Norway loses Tonsberg thanks to the careless nature of their leader, Eystein I, enabling the vicious Tyushtya to march in mostly unopposed. Eystein was quoted:
“This is worse than that time we tried doing Family Guy-style cutaway gags”
New Zealand adopts Liberalism unsurprisingly, giving us another look at Oceania’s most competent civ. That is, unless you count the Wahgi.
Kaministiquia falls as Louis de Buade struggles to hold back the flood of hi-tech Shoshone soldiers. Cataraqui looks to be in severe danger, though Plymouth also looks to fall.
Kazakhs continue to claim Timurid territory, now fully encapsulating the city of Balkh within blue territory. At this point, Kazakh territory is about 40% other peoples’ cities.
Oh my god Yemen goes to war against Makhnovia and it’s relevant!!!
… In one corner of their respective empires. Yemen looks poised to take Osypenko but let’s face it, this isn’t quite a miraculous war.
The Shoshone take Plymouth, having somehow reached the east coast before they’ve reached the west coast. Why would Washakie do this? Obviously, spite.
Pushmataha, now that he no longer borders New France, declares war on Louis de Buade! Too little too late, little man.
Taylorsville flips to Cascadia, increasing the great blue mass in the Americas. I guess that’s my fault for picking the civs.
The Shoshone complete the Manhattan project, giving them a powerful edge in future wars. However, their core seems grealy depleted by this one- I doubt they’ll be able to devote much to future war efforts soon.
Presenting Goguryeo- the little orange-red blemish on the face of the cylinder. What can be said? Their uniques are no longer useful, they’re reduced to 2 cities, and they’re losing a war to a civ whose greatest enemy is the American animation industry. I don’t blame them for falling behind this late in the game- however, if they had pushed their advantage earlier, things could’ve been different.
The Wahgi make peace with the Ngarrindjeri, thus securing New Zealand’s place as the most successful Oceanian civ. That is, if the Wahgi don’t count. I don’t quite recall but I’m not looking it up, just tell me in the comments.
Yemen captures Osypenko as the Makhnovist defense has their structural integrity reduced to tissue paper. However, that looks to be the extent of this conflict for now.
Louis de Buade’s namesake fort starts taking serious damage as the Shoshone forces flood into the New French heartland. Our expert flooding analyst had this to say:“I don’t know much about war, but that does look pretty bad. That said, please stop bothering me about your dumb Civ 5 AI game.”
Eystein’s dignity is plastered on the back of his trousers as the siege of Reykjavik begins! Tyushtya has been performing admirably in this war, and if he’s able to continue he might be a serious contender after this.
Cascadia starts rolling out its UU, the Sasquatch militia. Whether it’s a militia against Sasquatches or a militia made up of Sasquatches remains to be seen.
The Dark Khan Darkhan of the Yakuts finally pushes in on Gwanggaeto’s outdated forces, sieging Jolbon and Gaemo.
Although not a khan himself, Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj of Mongolia’s words are now backed by nuclear weaponry, making him a force to be reckoned with. He also makes peace with Rouran, but no cities were exchanged
Frontenac’s front becomes his back as Cataraqui is captured by Washakie. Ville de Quebec is now on the frontlines of the war.
Down in the Lone Star State of Texas, Sam Houston sends out his newly commissioned force of rangers. To be honest, I think these have been available for a while but they’ve only recently made their appearance.
Honestly, since the last time I narrated, I forgot Srivijaya was even in this game. They’re not really a competitor at this point, so much as a stepping stone to either Siam or the Wahgi’s conquest of the other. Palembang might as well be a doormat with a ‘Welcome Home’ sign in the two different languages.
The Manhattan project is completed in Lesotho, thus ensuring another blue state is positively glowing- though I’m not sure if this is what they mean by a green thumb.
Here we have our three great Arabic heroes- Arwa al-Sulayhi, Mohammad Reza Shah, and Tutankhamun- none of whom should really count. While Yemen is our greatest competitor, the Pahlavis under Reza Shah have been putting their best foot forward lately. Tut’s Egypt, however, is basically cornered. With that said, Tut could still pull through with some great diplomacy. The boy-king has an uphill battle, though.
Montreal is razed, and while many people have lost their homes, it has been said that citizens of other settlements have been celebrating this momentous occasion. The most lively celebration is, of course, in Nouvelle-Orleans.
Despite the constant hemorrhaging of his empire, de Buade has reclaimed Plymouth for himself. This could be a sign for Washakie that he’s reaching his limits in this war.
Portugal continues its war against Sweden by attacking Bourges with a boat or two. It’s working surprisingly well.
Washakie retakes Plymouth and razes the historic city. Y’know, I feel like this is symbolic.
Samandar joins the Kazakhs in the evergrowing movement known as ‘The Great Kazakh movement to culturally persuade the Timurid citizens to join Glorious Kazakhstan.’ Potassium exports reach an all-time high.
Speaking of Potassium, the United Fruit Company has this city of Cienaga in the middle of the Pacific and it’s probably the most peaceful place on the cylinder. Seriously, what happened here?
Tyushtya takes the town of Reykjavik right into red health, basically eating Eystein’s empire up. That said, it wasn’t much of an empire.
Corpus Christi is under cascadian control.
“OH COME ON!” was Sam Houston’s response to this news.
Boston is under intense siege! However will Louis de Buade make his way out of this daring situation?
Well, by making peace obviously. Doesn’t seem like any cities were exchanged in the peace deal, either. The Shoshone made massive gains, however, so it seems that American hegemony won’t be challenged for quite a while.
Yup, Tyushtya takes the city. Norway is now corned in Scandinavia proper, with seemingly no hope of putting up any competition to anyone other than Norway.
Jolbon is being eaten up, as the city rests at 1 HP. How will Gwanggaeto wriggle his way out of this dramatic happenstance? When will the next civilization be eliminated? Why does EW insist on ending on cliffhangers? Find out next time on… The Civ Grand Royale!
Yemen tops the list, obviously, having restored their dominant status. That said, the Azande might not have the technology to catch up right now, but once we hit the tech cap, the Azande and Yemen could potentially rival eachother.
Shu Han is at the bottom after having not appeared in the part at all. I thought they were dead, to be honest.