1: Introductions
Hello, friends! I’m ExplosiveWatermelon and I’m, once again, the host for tonight’s Civ Grand Royale. Shocking, I know. Let’s dig in, shall we?
Chapter 15: Everlasting Embers – G1
January 28, 2022
ExplosiveWatermelon
Abstract
The ever-changing ways of life maintain their consistent inconsistency. As we plunge deeper into the unknown depths, we return to… The Civ Grand Royale!
Viewing: Vertical
2: What Remains
Louis de Buade (New France) maintains only a slight portion of his once great empire. Washakie has proven his hegemony over the North American plains, and it seems there is little in his way to pursue further conquests. As for de Buade, it looks like he’s out of the game for now.
3: Wenshan Republic
Home to the largest population of Gatling Guns per capita, the Wenshan Autonomous Republic under Liu Bei (Shu Han) is, quite frankly, a relic. They’re a great civilization who had one fault: they started next to Sun Yat-sen. Really, it’s hard to blame them for getting into this position, but that’s show business baby.
4: Reyk Back at You!
Eystein (Norway) decides to put on his big-boy pants for once and retake the city of Reykjavik. Honestly, it’s probably too late for either of the Scandinavian civs to make any gains- they’re in a relatively cramped position in Europe and their biggest obstacles are each other. I wouldn’t be surprised if, in a war between the two, Christian (Sweden) would win. Seriously, it looks like our beloved empress has a well-maintained army in addition to a sizable navy. Norway might be bigger, but has nothing to show for it.
5: Pay your Taxilas
In a slide so flavorless the British call it food, the White Huns adopt Liberalism. In all fairness, this gives us a chance to see their core in which they still field both UUs for some reason. They also field Great War Infantry, Cavalry, and… Pikemen… This isn’t so much as a unit composition, moreso a unit Guernica.
6: Jolbonfire
Gwanggaeto (Goguryeo) loses the valuable core city of Jolbon, and Tygyn Darkhan (Yakutia) decides to raze it down. With no melee units in the vicinity for either side, I don’t think the city’s gonna flip soon.
7: Sribono
Moshoeshoe I (Lesotho) decides to launch a colonization mission of the Southern Indian Peninsula because, and I quote, “it’d be pretty funny lol”
Boy, were they right.
Amoghavarsha I (Rashtrakuta) is also there. Unfortunately it seems like they’re gonna be sticking around for a while, as the rough terrain around Manyakheta makes it pretty defensible.
8: 99 Problems but a Bichos Ain’t One
Marajoara has a single cannon and a Great Musician. How are they still alive? Well, that 12 population city also happens to have 79 defense, and the bordergore around the city makes invasion a hassle. Whenever the Omagua wake up, I suspect they’ll roll over Marajoara and leave a weird orange-red stain on the cylinder
9: Reyk back where we started
Tyushtya (Eastern Finns) reclaims Reykjavik, razes it, and it’s probably gonna flip next turn. However, I’m greatly amused by Lula (Brazil) having declared himself dictator. Wait until you win the election first, my guy.
10: Gaemover
Next to fall in the Great Goguryeo-Yakut war is the city of Gaemo, also promptly razed. I’m starting to suspect the Yakuts don’t really want to win AI games.
11: Bourges-oisie
The Swedish city of Bourges is quickly taking damage from a Portuguese invasion. It’s thought that if this succeeds, Portugal will have a total 2 extra tiles.
While most agree on the price of human lives being sacrificed for this war, some have started to wonder what effect this’ll have on the economy.
12: The Great Orange Blob, V2
In the CBR discord, I was discussing with some of the readers how I felt that the Azande are pretty cool, and there were some comparisons made to the Boers. While Paul Kruger was cold and calculating, Gbudwe (Azande) is the exact opposite- he’s a hot-headed warmonger who conquers with brutal efficiency. Honestly, I love it.
From my experience, a lot of AI games have these civs that use brute force to conquer, but they only ever manage to take 2 cities. Gbudwe absolutely wiped out Sierra Leone in 1 part. They could practically direct their army anywhere in Africa- with the only risk they would face being the Yemeni Order. This Great Orange Blob is a serious threat, and one who’s willing to get his hands dirty.
13: Oops!ala
The Norwegian-Finnic treatise of 1905 goes on the record to state that the territory of Uppsala would be sacrificed to the ravenous hordes of the Eastern Finns, with the only concession that Tyushtya had to make was to publicly state that ‘Eystein I never cried or wet himself during the negotiations.’
“You know,” one Norwegian citizen is reported as saying, “I think he DID cry and wet himself during the negotiations.”
14: Ham-bourges
Portugal captures Bourges, thus claiming a little bit of modern Denmark. Yay?
15: What a Plaisance way to die
The pleasant pastures of Plaisance are burst to crisps and the Mormon Merchant Navy sails in and sets the city ablaze. Brigham Young (Deseret) gets a lot of cities, but he just can’t keep any of them.
16: Börges
Sweden retakes this chapter’s favorite battleground of Bourges using a single rifleman. Christina has sent in reinforcements.
17: Heh, rats
Herat flies the blue banner of Kazakhstan. I’m starting to get a bad feeling about the Timurids- if this continues, it’s more like TimuRIP, amirite?
But seriously, things are looking pretty grim unless they can solve their unhappiness problems.
18: How many pirate civs are there at this point?
Teuta (Illyrians) seems to be content with simply dealing the eliminating blow to civs who had mostly been wiped out. After having delivered the killing blow to France, I believe that marks the second kill that the Illyrians have claimed? I’ve honestly been struggling to keep track of who killed whom.
19: I’m out of Bourges jokes
In this week’s chapter of “EW was running out of things to take screenshots of,” Bourges flips again!
20: pun.png
In a lesser-viewed angle of Papua, we see that a bunch of very small islands have been claimed by the Ngarrindjeri. Bol’im (Wahgi) doesn’t have any boats to conquer them with, so these could potentially be the staging ground for Ngurunderi’s (Ngarrindjeri) naval invasion. At least, that’s what I hope happens- I don’t know how many more slides of Bourges I can fill this chapter with.
21: 99 Orange Balloons
The Grand Principality of the Azande people has finally turned all their brutal aggression into a weapon to match- the atomic bomb. Whether they’ll use it is up to the future to decide.
22: Vincent Van Gogh-guryeo
After cutting off the ear of the Goguryeo empire, Tygyn Darkhan plans to drop both verbal and literal heat onto the last remaining city under Gwanggaeto’s (Goguryeo) control. Instead of painting his palette blue and gray, it seems Tygyn Darkhan is gonna be making landscapes red.
23: Rump Exile
This is great. I love this. Here we have two civs who have blown their chances against all odds- Khazaria who had defeated Makhovia in most tests, only to lose in the final game, and the Maravi who… Well, they typically didn’t lose as fast as this. The Maravi occupy land equivalent to a Costco, and with similar population too.
24: Resistance is Futile
The Bourg(es) have assimilated this slide into their evergrowing empire. Resistance is futile.
25: Don’t mess with Texas
In a very karmic moment of pure satisfaction, Texas declares war on Deseret who is, for once, weaker than they are. Ride ‘em, Cowboys!
26: Also Starring Gbudwe
The Azande join the war as well, and somehow it’s relevant because they have a pacific navy? Anyways, they’re besieging Senneville.
27: K-Popped
The Great Gogurt empire is no more. Gungnae falls, and the last of Gwanggaeto’s resistance falters. The Yakuts have actually eliminated a civ, which is surprising, but will the world ever be the same with Goguryeo?
Well, I think we’ll be fine.
Goguryeo has been eliminated in 45th place.
28: Fruit of the Loom
P’kuee (Marajoara) relaxes in the beaches of Bichos, knowing that the Sam Zemurray’s (UFC) forces will struggle to invade. Seriously, Bichos is a 79 defense city with no coasts and limited territory- I suspect they’ll last.
29: Liberalism.
Srivijaya adopts Liberalism.“Ugh,” says the Liberal coalition party, “It’s just not cool anymore.”
30: I’m Burning For You
Sometimes I wonder why, in a normal AI game, few civs actually adopt competing ideologies.
Well lads, a 41 population Bengali city just flipped to Yemen only for it to get razed. I think I get it now. The ever-burning flame of Dhaka (A.K.A the 41-turn-burning flame of Dhaka) has destroyed the livelihood of the local citizenry, yet they’ll live many lives before the embers ever die.
31: Anarchy in the UK(raine)
Yemeni paratroopers swoop down on the city of Veselaya Yevreyka, aiming to capture the Makhnovist stronghold in the Levant.
32: War in Eastern Europe
To make matters worse, the Eastern Fin- haha, I got you there, didn’t I? No, it’s actually Nestor Makhno (Makhnovia), besieged and beaten, declaring war on the battered Tyushtya. And what’s that? Over there?
33: Our Pride and Beauty
Yes, it’s the Tachanka! These horse-drawn machine guns replace… Well, the Machine Gun. They get all the bonuses of a mounted unit, in addition to healing whenever a Great Person is expended. Isn’t that nice?
34: Reverse? Colonialism
Sam ‘the Banana Man’ Zemurray (I didn’t even have to make up a nickname this time!) has declared war on Portugal… Somehow, it’s a relevant war- Escuintla was settled on Iberia proper, right north of Lisbon. Already, Carlos I’s (Portugal) Survey Yachts are examining the situation carefully.
35: Kenigma
The mysterious city of Kenema is also at risk, as Lesotho joins the coalition against Carlos ‘the Car Loser’ I. Neither side has properly coalesced an army at the front.
36: Yellowland + Blueland = Greenland!
In Greenland, the ironically-named city of Pleasant View recovers after a devastating war between the Deseret forces and New France. Nearby Grantsville releases a statement,
“...”
That concludes their message.
37: Nuclear India!
It’s not Gandhi, or even really an Indian civ, but Shuja-ud-Din (Bengal) has completed the Manhattan project, thus ensuring that Dhaka isn’t the only city that will burn under their watch!Let’s just hope they start razing OTHERS’ cities instead.
38: Mon Amelia
I’ve never really talked about Portugal at the length they deserve, so let me clear this up: Carlos I has put on a fascinating performance. They’re clearly one of the more powerful civs in the region, perhaps even capable of taking down England, and they haven’t let us down yet. However, they show only moderate aggression even when faced with a war on their home continent. Indeed, their interests lie mostly in their colonies- such as those in Africa.
39: Lindon Bridge is Falling Down
The island city of Lindon faces a Siamese naval siege. These recent parts have not been good to Brigham Young (Deseret), who has lost a lot of their major cities. They sure are Deseret, but soon they might be Deserted.
40: Sarkenan and Sarkel
Sarkel faces the battery of Makhnovist artillery. It’ll probably fall quickly…
41: Told you
Oh, there it goes.
42: BANANANANANANANA BATMAN
Linkoping, a formerly Swedish city in Africa, now owned by Portugal, is under siege by the United Fruit Company. Sometimes I wonder why I run this game.
43: Kenematic Masterpiece (5/5 stars)
Kenema falls to Lesotho, thus dying the once-light blue city into a slightly darker shade of light blue. Carlos soothes his spiritual wounds the only way he knows how-
By buying another yacht.
44: Not so Pleasant View anymore
Turns out the English are invading Greenland. Right when I had my back turned! You know what? I’m going to have to stare angrily at my screen whenever England comes up, now. I can’t actually intervene, but I’ll have you know I am marginally upset by this.
45: Yem-Anon
Veselaya Yevreyka has taken marginal damage since we last saw it, giving me the opportunity to talk about Yemen!So, I was sharing this in the CBR discord the other day, but I actually had a head-canon for Yemen in particular in order to explain their nature in this game:Yemen is not a country but a secret organization. Arwa al-Sulayhi is their ‘Grand Commander’ because she commands the operations they undertake. They’re the most powerful because they’ve set up monasteries in various different countries in order to recruit soldiers for their homeland- hence their incredible military advantage and thriving population. However, they don’t declare large-scale wars because doing so would be revealing the size of their operation. Thus, they only work on minor operations, such as the siege of Veselaya Yevreyka.
46: Scodraconian Laws
The Illyrians adopt Liberalism, but let’s face it, that’s not interesting enough, so here’s another head-canon:Teuta has been regent for the kingdom of the Illyrians for a long time- perhaps most of the game. This is because she’s using necromancy on the REAL Monarch- the one who would be the immortal leader of the royale- to siphon their never-ending lifespan for her own means. By acting as regent, she gets full control over the country, while the REAL immortal gets to live a seemingly average life.
But we know the truth.
47: Khan-hattan Project
Tygyn Darkhan completes the Manhattan project, thus ensuring Yakut military hegemony over Eastern Siberia. Jokuskai isn’t that populous, but nevertheless the Yakuts have done well for themselves. Perhaps we can see further expansion in the future?
48: Shah-t through the Heart!
Also adopting nuclear policy is Mohammad Reza Shah (The Pahlavis). He also fields his Unique Unit, the Literacy Corps (which might’ve already been discussed.)
One thing I’ve noticed is that the Pahlavis are rather small. They’re one of my favorite civs in this game, actually- having conquered their way into semi-relevance. They have a few possible options for expansion, but overall they field an impressive military and have proven themselves repeatedly. Despite all that, they have little to show for it. How come?
49: Eastern Finn it to Win it!
By some miracle from mother nature, the Eastern Finns have put together an army near Dobrovelychkivka and completely forced the Makhnovists into a pretty bad position. For a war he started, Nestor Makhno ain’t doing too hot.
50: Last but not East…
Dobrovelychkivka falls, and looks secure too- perhaps I won’t have to spell that city name ever again?
51: Winter Getaways
Far from (most) wars, we see the northern end of Central Siberia. Settled by Mongolia, Eastern Finns, Makhnovia, Kazakhstan, and the Timurids, this lovely landscape has all that you need for a winter getaway:- Snow
That’s pretty much all you need, right?
52: Oh no you don’t!
Ekaterinoslav revolted but was immediately retaken by Makhnovist forces.
“We don’t tolerate revolution in our Anarchist society!” One general was noted as saying.
53: Once a Contender, now a Katende
Luba, once one of the more powerful nations in Africa, is now a rump in-between two great powers. Perhaps they’ll enjoy this peace more once it’s over? For now, all they can do is yearn for days that are now long past.
54: Obran Oshit
Makhnovia, taking advantage of an opening, lunges towards the Eastern Finnic capital of Obran Osh! However, that city has a pretty strong defense- it remains to be seen whether the city will fall.
55: The Little Apple
Cascadia has made a major comeback from their starting position, when they were easily one of the worst competitors- however, they now field nuclear weaponry. Maybe Aesop was right?
56: China get by
Liu Bei (Shu Han) has used up all their lives, as Sun Yat-Sen (China) has declared war on the pink… Well, they’re not really a power, are they? Still, Wenshan doesn’t seem like they’ll last very long. Preemptively say your prayers, looks like the 3-China solution is about to become unified.
57: Green England
England makes landfall on Greenland as Pleasant View and Grantsville fly the pretty flower banner. Surely they can’t be too bad, right?
58: A vote for Makhno is a vote for Anarchy!
The siege of Veselaya Yevreyka has not lifted, but instead SHIFTED up to Prymorsk, where X-Com soldiers surround the city. A lone Tachanka stands to defend his home. Will it be enough?
59: Kryvyi RIP
Kryvyi Rih stands at the precipice of destruction as Eastern Finnic soldiers push forward into Makhnovist territory, having defeated the earlier siege of Obran Osh! This could be a devastating war for the Makhnovists!
60: Time to Pay, Son
England continues their incursions into Greenland by taking the Deseret city of Payson! Only Mapleton and another pleasantly-named city stands to defend the icy frontier!
61: Marajoara hung on with Sturdy!
Well, it looks like the UFC finally has made a little distance into Marajoara’s territory- although it doesn’t look like it’ll be enough to win the war. Well, that’s it for this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you did- leave your own personal headcanons in the comments! I really appreciate all the love folks have shown to this series, though we will have to switch to alternating weeks for at least a little bit while we record more chapters because (SURPRISE) we’re almost all caught up! What a wild ride, huh?
62: Summary 1
Yemen hangs on to the top position. They’re pretty scary, but the Shoshone and the Azande are climbing up there.
63: Summary 2
The Marajoara sit at the absolute lowest tier. Pathetic.