All Romes lead to Trajan: Part 2 – T1

Salutations! Welcome back to the Trajan Royale, the only game of Civ where the winner is already predetermined. But which Trajan will take the prize? Last time we saw impressive performances from Capital Rome, Upper Rome and Old Rome, and less impressive performances from Far Rome and Neo-Rome, both on death’s door. But it’s still very much all to play for. Let’s see which Romes can unite the Mare Nostrum, and which delenda est.

Free Rome, with their advanced navy, are looking to bolster their land forces with the help of Gaius Marius. A key figure in the Republic’s politics and armies, he emerged victorious against both a Celtic/Germanic alliance and the Numidians, while helping craft the Roman Army into a professional outfit rather than a combination of various levies. He also enshrined the aquila (eagle) as the standard of the Roman Empire! No Celts or Numidians to fight here though - only other Romans. We’ll see how he fares soon, I’m sure.

Explosive Rome seems to be discontent with some distant colonists settling on their backdoor, and are sending a healthy contingent towards the Old Roman city of Qart Hadasht. They’re led by a fellow with a fitting name, but Roman isn’t actually a Roman of course - he’s a rather brutal warlord who fought against the Soviets from his base in Mongolia, where he acquired the sobriquet of the Mad Baron. He certainly has a beefy enough army here to inflict pain, but as far as I know war hasn’t even been officially declared yet, so we’ll see. Meanwhile Capital Rome has backed off a little on the last vestige of Far Rome. A little rebuild is probably in order - as successful as the war has been, it’s taken a little out of them.

Instead, it’s Neo-Rome who looks like they’ll be first to be eliminated, as Upper Rome assaults their capital with enough melee units to likely see it out. Like Capital Rome they look a bit spent - but it might be a much bigger problem for them, if that army north of Golden Rome is anything to go by. The Alps are a formidable barrier though; I think they’ll be safe for the time being. And again, no war officially declared yet. Responsible for defending the homeland is Lady K’abel, a Mayan queen also known as Lady Water Lily Hand or, incredibly, Lady Snake Lord.

The closely fought war between Punished Rome and Shiny Rome comes to an end, and in the end the two sides couldn’t be divided. Both appear to have emerged stronger, in fact - the military production for both sides outstripping their losses. This is sure to be a tense subcontinent for some time to come. The other nearby power, Old Rome, builds a new wonder too, Stone Town. That’s the old city on the Isle of Zanzibar, and will give them a couple of trade routes among other monetary bonuses.

Chad Rome has been thoroughly settling the Numidian coast, with their latest city Saguntum being settled close to the modern city of Melilla, a Spanish exclave in Morocco known as Rusadir to the Romans. When we last left them they’d been at war with Just Rome to the south, but it seems that war’s petered out, as the bulk of their army is now located ominously just west of their territory, possibly aimed towards the mysterious Forgotten Rome. Meanwhile their transmediterranean colony of Hippo Regius is unprotected, but currently uncontested, with no foreign armies nearby. An invasion by nearby Broken Rome would almost certainly wind up a tit-for-tat exchange with their colony in Morocco, visible in the minimap.

Shiny Rome settles Lilybaeum on Cyprus, which was known to the Romans as… Cyprus. Well, that’s anti-climactic. Of more drama is the invasion of Far Rome’s last city, Hispalis, by the Capital Romans. The pikes and bowmen might not be enough, but we can see Capital Trajan boasts newly built musketmen and crossbowmen behind the lines. Meanwhile at the top of the screen, South Rome is sending an army, well, south - finally looking to invade their rightful homelands, perhaps. A more noteworthy news story appears in the sidebar...

As predicted, Neo-Rome will ironically become a thing of history books as they are the first to be eliminated, with Upper Rome waltzing into Palmyra. Neo-Rome had a pretty unlucky time of it - invaded by both of their immediate neighbours, they briefly managed to turn the tide against their aggressors but were ultimately overwhelmed. Not an embarrassing performance by any means, but style alone won’t win you a game. Upper Rome looks pretty strong now, but an elimination will definitely make them a target for other nearby civs - although Golden Rome’s army still can’t figure out a route through the Alps, it seems.

All is quiet in Iberia. These two states were at war fairly recently, though neither’s force looks large enough to initiate a new invasion. There’s a lot of land here still to be settled, with Free Rome focusing on the north coast and Broken Rome focusing on… uh… other things, it seems. It might well be Chad Rome who snaps up this land, though no settlers here so far.

Eminent Rome have dodged the cameras in this game, which isn’t surprising given how far away they started from most of the other Romes - they’ve not had much chance to interact with their competitors. That might change soon, as Punished Rome settles Fregellae right on their doorstep - and even with their outdated army of spearmen, this would be a decently simple taste of blood for the Eminent Romans. They do have a couple of wounded units, so perhaps they’re already at war.

Well Forgotten Rome has little to worry about from Chad Rome, as they’re not the targets of their anger - they can keep on building the Sistine Chapel, as our spy informs us. Instead, Chad Rome has declared war on Broken Rome, which isn’t a huge shock - Sena Gallica is a sitting duck. But remember, so is Hippo Regius, Chad Rome’s colony in Spain; as I mentioned before it wouldn’t surprise me if they merely traded one colony for the other here. Sena Gallica is settled close to the real Roman city of Lixus, now known as Larache in Morocco, which is known in mythology as the home of the Garden of the Hesperides.

Hispalis is surely doomed. Not a great sign when your main defenders are artists and writers, like Turgenev here. All is not necessarily lost for Far Rome though - a settler floats just outside Palmyra, which could theoretically find an escape route for the beleaguered Romans. It’s unlikely though - I think Shiny Rome is still at war with them, and they have a trireme within spitting distance. Meanwhile South Rome and Explosive Rome both continue to send their armies into foreign lands. In fact, it sort of looks like they’re both looking for each other. Time will tell where their eventual target is.

Lost Rome has been quietly strengthening since the start of the game, keeping out of everyone’s way. That changes now, as they send an advanced army on the relatively unprotected colonies of Just Rome. This is modern day Tunisia, known to the Romans simply as Africa. The coastline looks lovely and lifelike, almost nice enough to distract from the rather less pretty rendition of Sicily in the top right.

Chad Rome conquers Sena Gallica, but in a rather un-chad move immediately burns it to the ground. I suppose they figured it would be fairly undefendable if Forgotten Rome came knocking, which may be true but… you know… why invade, then? The good news for them is that Broken Rome has made no attempts to march on Hippo Regius as of yet. Maybe they don’t know it’s there.

Zhuge Liang. In China, his name is as respected as Sun Tzu, a masterful Classical leader and strategist. I mean look at this - he’s managing to win a battle that he’s not even at! Yes, as expected, Lost Rome is making short work of Castrum Novum, which is built near the real Roman city of Sicca Veneria, or El Kef today. Castrum Novum just means New Castle, though. Well, it’s certainly about to see new ownership.

Oh Jupiter! That wasn’t meant to happen! Far Rome does indeed fall, but not to the city that’s put all the pain in - instead it goes to Explosive Rome, who appear to have captured it with a stray pikeman that last time we saw this area was floating absentmindedly in the middle of the Med. Unfortunately this impressive conquest will soon be forgotten by the historians as Hispalis is also being razed to the ground. This almost seems like more of a FU to Capital Rome than Far Rome, to be honest. In any case Far Rome’s spare settler has been destroyed, so they too are eliminated. They didn’t have quite as plucky a showing as Neo-Rome, never really getting their feet off the ground before Capital Rome decimated them. Now they’re reduced to Turgenev and the artist Bas Jan Ader, a very bizarre Dutch conceptual artist, who unfortunately drowned quite early into his career. Very fascinating guy.

In other news, Shiny Rome to the north beat Forgotten Rome to the Sistine Chapel. Better luck next time.

Resident wonder-whore West Rome has been a bit invisible this game, again thanks to a rather isolated position and not much desire to expand out of it. They founded Anglicanism last episode, but haven’t found much of a desire to expand that either, unlike Upper Rome who’s sent Cathar missionaries to convert the heathens. How the tables turn, eh?

Lost Rome sweeps into Castrum Novum and, as is the theme of the episode so far, sets it alight. The army’s next target is surely Sirmium, as the core city of Satricula seems a fair bit better garrisoned. I’m not immediately sure what that wonder Supreme Rome has built is - it must come from JFD’s Rise to Power mod, but I don’t see a mention of it on the Wikia. My guess from the image is that it’s the Selimiye Mosque of Edirne, but there’s a few others it could be.

Ooh, I wasn’t expecting this. Chad Rome’s just showing off now, starting a naval assault of the Broken Roman capital of Tyrus. Without a dedicated amphibious assault I’m not sure it’ll be enough to take the city, but never say never. Broken Rome certainly doesn’t seem too concerned, taking this opportunity to finish work on the Grand Canal. Does that refer to the Chinese one or the Venetian one? The answer is yes. In-game it doesn’t do a huge deal, giving a healthy gold boost for trade routes in and out of the city. Of more note is that Sena Gallica is no longer being razed. We’re using a mod that means AIs can actually stop razing cities if their happiness becomes a net positive, and that’s what’s happened here.

Er… sike, I guess. Far Rome is back. I really thought that settler had been killed, but turns out it was just waiting offscreen, ready to continue its nation’s legacy. And this new glimmer of hope was immediately overshadowed by war declarations from left right and centre, most notably from Capital Rome, South Rome and Punished Rome, all of hom border the Republic of Zama Regia. But I gotta say - given Far Rome’s only real strategy here is “hope we don’t die”, Zama Regia is a perfect settle, surrounded by mountains and just a tile away from the coast, creating a near-flawless bottleneck that’ll make actually taking the city a difficult feat indeed. Still, their lack of any military force whatsoever might make it a tad easier.

Shiny Rome looks for new shiny landmasses to conquer, as they settle some of the Greek islands. They’ve been one of the more expansive nations, with another settling wandering into Phrygia, just south of Old Rome. Given how militarily strong all the nations in this region are, this is a wise strategy. Back near their capital we can see their newest general, Lampião. He was a brutal Brazilian bandit who’s since garnered a reputation as a folk hero, a little like Dick Turpin or Ned Kelly. At the moment there are no good wars to fight, and no legends to make. I’m sure it’ll change soon enough.

Two of the most arrogantly named civs go to war, as Eminent Rome invades neighbour Supreme Rome. On first glance they look to have a real advantage, but those Supreme pikemen should tear apart the antiquated spearmen that Eminent Rome is fielding. The colony of Fregellae just to the right would’ve been a much more manageable target, but that’s the AI for ya. Trust Oliver Cromwell to make questionable decisions.

Upper Rome faces the consequences of their belligerence as the powerful Golden Rome declares war. I was worried that any invasion would be staggered by the Alps, and indeed only a few troops have made it through the terrain so far. There should be plenty of time for Upper Rome to move their defenders from the huge city of Cremona to Teurnia. In the meantime Mr Walmart will be hoping to pay off any attackers that come near. Upper Rome has the first cannons I’ve spotted, too - that’s a great improvement over the trebuchet, but there are no cities to prove them on right now.

All is quiet on the Alboran Sea, as Sena Gallica recovers and the assault on Tyrus peters out. Broken Rome has made no attempt on Hippo Regius, but then, they don’t really have any army to speak of - that’s a miserable contingent for this era, although it’s at least keeping up with advancements with the pikes and cannons. But Chad Rome has no desire to turn their advantage into further games, sending only a prophet into Iberia. That’s Isaac Luria, the father of contemporary Kabbalah, a type of Jewish mysticism that goes way over my head.

Lost Rome completes the unification of Africa (the Roman province, not the continent), capturing Sirmium. They’re currently razing the city, but we can see they reversed their decision to raze Castrum Novum and may well do the same here. That’s if it’s not retaken - there are probably enough ships there to flip the city back once. A further invasion of Just Rome would see them up against their star general Abd al-Rahman. Abd III will be familiar to CBRX fans as the leader of the victorious Moors, but this is likely the first of his name, the first ruler of the Caliphate of Córdoba. In the top right, we see Golden Rome settle the malformed Sicily.

Well, this was always a possibility. Forgotten Rome remembers this is a domination match and declares war on Chad Rome, their whole army pointing towards their recent conquest of Sena Gallica. Yeah, that’s gonna be a massacre; Chad Trajan can only hope they don’t push further.

The other war declared this turn is a rather more even one, with Explosive War attempting another invasion of Lower Rome after their successful fake elimination of Far Rome (they did wind up keeping that city after all). They’ve even brought Sternberg back for the battle, though he’s holding tight in Velitrae for now. These two sides have a twisted kind of tech parity - Explosive Rome has the crossbows, but his pikes would be no match for Lower Rome’s muskets. The former has a decent sized invasion force, but unlike Lower Rome they’ve nothing in reserve - if that initial wave fails spectacularly, this could backfire horrible for the Exploding Emperor.

Yet another war is declared on Far Rome, this time by the not-too-far Old Rome. You want to know my theory why such an innocuous little nation is facing so many war declarations? It’s because this region has so many powerful civs this is the only city any of the nations stand a decent chance of taking. Punished Rome seems to be taking the initiative more than most, though even with their huge army it’ll be tough to round those mountains.

Sena Gallica falls as expected, though Chad Rome should flip the city back next turn. Broken Rome is just happy to be out of the spotlight, giving Forgotten Rome some naval support and not much else. Free Rome is escorting a Great Musician to Catalonia, for some reason. There is a lovely opera house in Barcelona, I guess.

The Golden Romans look to have evaporated, with their forces dispersed across Provence. Upper Rome haven’t even moved their defence force, confident as they are that this invasion will peter out soon. Instead the armies are listening to wicked chansons of one Serge Gainsbourg, the French troubadour behind some of the most controversial and explicit French pop of the 20th century.

War finally comes to quiet North Rome. Not through their choice, of course - I fully believe left to their own devices they’d have stayed at peace the whole game. It’s Shiny Rome over the Aegean who declare war, along with Lost Rome who probably don’t pose a threat. In fact I’d say as it stands no threats are posed - Shiny Rome certainly has a bigger army, but not much of it is naval. Neither side has much of a fleet, and ultimately this is a battle that can only be fought on the waves. Though Shiny Rome may want to change that, sending a cursory settler into Thrace for potential future land incursions. Old Rome was invited to the war, but appears to have gotten the wrong memo, declaring war on far off Lower Rome instead.

Speaking of Lower Rome, they’re doing a decent job at defending Nicopolis, which is down to yellow health but has enough support in place that the city should flip back if it’s captured. They’re also sending exploratory settlers out into Cyrenaica to the northwest. There’s a huge gap of virgin territory between Lower and Lost Rome, so good to see it being settled at last.

Scattered armies, you say? No, Golden Rome was just executing the perfect pincer movement, having evidently learnt their lessons from Cannae, a battle where Hannibal decimated Roman troops with this very tactic. Teurnia falls and is likely safe. Can Golden Rome push further? Luceria in particular looks very uncomfortable, though Cremona and Caesarea are probably secure for the time being.

Nicopolis is briefly taken by Explosive Rome, but it doesn’t take Cassandra to see it won’t last long, the Lower Roman defence corps having fully mobilised. In the sidebar, Chad Rome sues for peace with Forgotten Rome, who had successfully gained the only thing they went to war for, Sena Gallia.

Both armies here are absolutely spent, but even as Ostia falls to yellow I reckon Supreme Rome have done enough here to fight off Eminent Rome, the latter only having two melee units remaining on the battlefields. Still, this war’s done little more than stunt both nations - with both lagging significantly behind in tech and territory, this is a serious shot in the foot for both of them.

Oof, Just Rome paid a hefty price for peace with Lost Rome, giving up their third city of Saticula in the treaty. This city was very unlikely to change hands through warfare, so it’s a messy sacrifice. For now Lost Rome’s burning the city, but we can see once again they’ve spared Sirmium at the last minute, so I suspect they’ll do the same once again. Both Saticula and the remains of Just Rome look very vulnerable to Chad Rome, who will surely want a positive war after their loss to Forgotten Rome.

Shiny Rome conjured up an armada from somewhere, and has seized Curia, though the battle for the island is likely still ongoing as the bulk of North Rome’s navy rushes to defend it. The fleet of frigates hanging outside Corfinium suggests there’s only way this war’s ending though - and given the remainder of North Rome’s cities are coastal too, there could be mortal danger on the line here. And Shiny Rome did manage to settle Thrace, with the rather unfortunately named Hippo Diarrhytus. Yuk. It’s placed on the site of the real Roman city of Aenus… oh God, I’m not making it better, am I? Meanwhile the Iberian nations make peace… wait, they were at war? Wow, neither side was making any effort in that conflict. Just as well it’s over.

I’ve not been the best at predictions these past few slides, and here’s yet another example: Ostia does fall to Eminent Rome, and there’s actually only a slim chance they’ll lose it again. While Supreme Rome does have a decent army to their name, it’s mostly ranged units, which can’t take back a city by themselves. Perhaps their new general Nurhaci can come up with a solution, though those watching the fellow lead the Manchu in CBRX2 will know that’s pretty unlikely - they were devoured in that game. Wanna learn more about CBRX? /r/civbattleroyale is the place to head to!

The two great armies of Gaul finally clash at Teurnia. Both sides look very even, though Upper Rome have the slightly harder job of assaulting their former city rather than defending it. Serge’s raunchy numbers rally the troops to the Upper Roman cause, but let’s hope this campaign doesn’t end up like Bonnie & Clyde for the chanteur.

Nicopolis is recaptured as expected, and while the city doesn’t look super safe, there’s only one Explosive Roman melee unit in range, and it’s nearly been finished-off already. Still, the war ain’t over til it’s over, and there still looks to be life in this conflict, with both nations fielding decent reserves. LoCuwer Rome settles Motya in Cyrenaica, their first coastal city. Already Explosive Roman galleasses scout out the new threat.

Since we last saw this area, Curia had flipped back to North Rome but is now back in the hands of Shiny Rome, who have also dispersed the last remnants of the North Roman navy. They complete their domination of the Aegean with a new city, Leptis Parva, and begin blockading both Neapolis and Verona. Still, unless they can commit to one of these cities, I’m not sure they have the firepower to finish off the Northerners once and for all. They do build the Alhambra though, a fairly handy wonder. To the south we see an Old Roman settler, seemingly a little damaged, I’m not sure by whom. I wonder what shores it’s headed to...

The now-at-peace Iberia looks, unsurprisingly, incredibly similar to the at-war Iberia. Peacetime has at least allowed Broken Rome’s culture to flourish, birthing the musician James Brown, who should need no introduction! Forgotten Rome settles another city menacingly close to Chad Rome, Sulci. And see that just outside Sena Gallica? That’s a Neo-Roman trireme, long outlasting its parent nation. Hell, Neo-Rome only had a coastal city for about five turns, so this trireme has done well to stick around.

Shiny Rome are the wonder-hoarders of the episode, claiming another to their name, the less useful Globe Theatre. Their core’s really solidified now, but so have Old Rome and Punished Rome’s - there’ll be no easy fights in Asia Minor. It seems to be a bit of a golden age for music right now, with Oliphant joining the Shiny ranks. He was a Scottish composer, famous in his day but ill-remembered now - he did pen the lyrics for Christmas classic Deck the Halls though. We all leave a legacy, I guess.

Well, I don’t think there’s an escape route this time. Far Rome have travelled beyond the pale now, and despite their best efforts are still eliminated in penultimate place. After my first obituary bemoaned how boring they’d been, I can be a lot more complementary now - it takes a lot of spunk to come back from the dead, and though we didn’t see much of them, that one FU to their aggressors won’t be forgotten. As for Punished Rome, will they see punishment for their elimination? Probably not, as everyone and their uncle was at war with Far Rome.

Well, that’s what they were spending production on, I guess. Instead of building an army, Broken Rome has built a big tower. This isn’t a bad wonder, to be fair, and given their tech’s already half-decent this could give them a much needed edge if they ever decide to fight a war again. The screenshot is pointing out the Neo-Roman trireme - tut, we saw that ages ago! In the sidebar, Golden Rome and Upper Rome make peace, but we’ll go into the details of that in just a short while.

Lost Rome faces a terrifying declaration of war from continental powerhouse Forgotten Rome! Finally, the battle between the two misplaced empires. Only, er, they don’t actually border each other, so this won’t come to anything. Forgotten Rome is sending a little invasion force though… consisting of a single musketman and, errrr, the band Rush. Some might say conscription into military service is a fitting punishment for their music, but me, I like 2112. Anyway, I hope I’m not crushing any dreams when I say this war isn’t going anywhere.

The Peace in Gaul is a white one, with Teurnia re-teurned to Upper Roman hands. A fairly decisive defence for the Upper Romans in the end, and a humiliating defeat for Golden Rome, but don’t count them out by any means - their sheltered position behind the Alps means they’ll have plenty of chance to recuperate and grow yet. Upper Rome celebrates the victory with the construction of a new art gallery, the Uffizi. Serge travels north into the woods to find himself.

Shiny Rome has made huge advances in this war, doing exactly as I recommended and focusing on just the one city, Neapolis. The North Roman capital will surely fall next turn. Okay, they had a little time to sweep up Panormus too, so soon North Rome will have only one city remaining; ironically, their most northern city, Verona. North of that, Shiny Rome also settles Lixus, on the site of the real Roman city of Heraclea Sintica in modern Bulgaria. And they build a humongous palace, Versailles, to top it all off. They’re rapidly becoming one of the hot favourites in this game. Half a world away Eminent Rome also picks up a wonder… but I can’t figure this one out, it doesn’t appear in any of my Wikias and I don’t recognise it by sight. Looks faintly like Mediterranean architecture, but not sure beyond that. Any ideas? Throw them in the comments!

This is quite the scene. Despite being under absolutely no threat, Broken Rome hands their only non-capital city to Chad Rome, giving them a significant hold on Iberia (assuming they stop razing the city), and likely permanently ending any hopes Broken Rome had of a comeback. It’s not unbelievable that Zheng He was the instigator of this diplomatic coup - as the leader of the Ming Dynasty’s treasure fleets, his job was essentially to convince nations to become tributaries of China through diplomacy and/or intimidation alone. He was a eunuch though. You kind of had a choice in Imperial China - kids or power, pick one not both. Chad Rome has been consolidating their Iberian gains with two more cities - Oea, near the incredibly important Roman city of Tarraco, Tarragona today. And Soluntum, on the site of Dianium (Dénia).

Neapolis falls, as do North Rome’s hopes of any meaningful contribution to this game. Comte de Grasse looks to have been the commanding admiral, a name familiar to all our American readers as the French guy who bailed you all out in the Revolutionary War. He should be able to finish the job here; Shiny Rome’s fleet is still firm, while North Rome has one military unit left to their name, not counting the explorer. That Old Roman settler has found its way up north, into the heart of Macedonia. We’ll keep an eye on it.

Himilco leads the charge against Motya, but he’s going to need a much bigger fleet than that if he wants to make any impact. This Carthaginian turncoat is known in our world as an explorer who visited the British Isles, possibly the first Mediterranean sailor to do so. He’d be hard pressed to do that on this map. A much more tantalising notification beckons...

I’m not sure when Chad Rome declared war on Lost Rome, but Saticula was easy pickings! They take the city, razing it for now but again, don’t expect that to stick. With an army of that size, they could easily make a mark on Lost Rome’s new colonies - but most of their units are fortified for some reason, so don’t count on it. If you look right to the top, we can see they’re sending a settler to pastures new, possibly Sardinia. With their African base, Spanish colonies and soon possibly Italian island holdings, they’re looking an awful lot like a certain state that must be destroyed...

Joanna of Flanders is scouting out Capital Rome’s new neighbours, notably the Explosive-owned Hispalis. In our timeline she defended the Duchy of Brittany from French interventionists, but if she’s called to the battlefield here it’ll likely be in a more offensive role. Capital Rome appears to be at war, with the bulk of their army in Treveri having recently taken damage, though it’s very unclear who from. Old Rome has a surprisingly large military presence in their colony of Qart Hadasht, while Shiny Rome sends an unaccompanied settler into the Syrian desert. This place is looking a little like a tinderbox.

Capital Rome constructs the Red Fort, ensuring no one will be taking their capital any time soon! Their army is mostly consolidated around Treveri, as we saw in the previous shot, but their actual core itself could use a little more active defence too - that Old Roman army I mentioned before could do a fair bit of damage to them. First target would be Hadrumetum, which has been built on the site of the real Roman city of Aelana, or modern Aqaba in Jordan. It’s a nice little gulf port, both in our world and this one.

The final North Roman city is handed over to the superior Shiny forces, as Verona changes its flags from a yellow one to a slightly yellower one. North Rome achieved very little in this game, starting far away from any competitors but failing to capitalise on this roomy start. Instead, they’re but a stepping stone on the great path to Shiny Victory. To the north, Old Rome sends a settler into the heart of Thrace, which will be their first European colony.

Chad Rome goes to task on the Tunisian holdings of Lost Rome, albeit not in the way I expected, sending a small naval contingent instead of their huge land army. Seems to be doing the trick though, taking the city of Sirmium down to half health. Chad Rome also managed to settle Sardinia - and even their city names are turning Carthaginian now, with Ibossim being the Punic name for Ibiza. This is a bad sign for all adjacent Romes.

Punished Rome is bored of waiting for Eminent Rome to declare war on them, and take the task upon themselves. They’ve amassed an army in Fregellae led by von Moltke the Elder, a Prussian general with a fair few victories to his name, so we’ll see if he can take those modern tactics to the medieval army of Punished Rome. They have the numbers, but those trebuchets are so passé; they could do with cannons.

Chad Rome completes the conquest of what might as well be their homeland, the area around IRL Carthage, and now their land army is swarming into the undefended Castrum Novum. What scant forces Lost Rome have are scattered between that city and Sirmium; they’ve really done a good job of attacking on multiple fronts, which the Civ AI is notoriously bad at. You know, that’s pretty chad. Elsewhere we see that Golden Rome has a fancy new Enlightenment Era unit, the skirmisher. And Shiny, Free and Lower Rome are all engaging in cultural warfare, sending musicians across the Mare Nostrum to Africa. Maybe they’re all looking for some inspiration from the terrible war being fought there.

A couple new wonders are built in the Middle East, both of which come from the Enlightenment Era mod. Old Rome completes Kronborg, granting them a bonus to naval unit production and extra health in all their coastal cities. That’ll help them protect their Judean colony, as well as their new Thracian one just visible in the top left corner. Capital Rome’s wonder is a little less useful; Topkapi Palace primarily provides faith bonuses on military buildings.

And another new wonder is built, Harmandir Sahib, this one not from that Enlightenment Era mod. It’s another less useful wonder in a domination context, giving extra culture for merchant specialists. It doesn’t look much like Forgotten Rome has too much interest in reuniting the Empire, anyway. The notifications at the top tell us Sirmium briefly flipped back to Lost Rome before being retaken by the Chads. As for Nicopolis, well, looking through the last few minimaps that city has been flipping seemingly every turn.

We get a look at Nicopolis now - it shouldn’t flip back to Explosive Rome for a while, as they’ve momentarily run out of melee units. There’s a musketman back at Velitrae though, so this isn’t a permanent state of affairs. Neither side looks particularly exhausted by the war either. They’re just too perfectly matched for either side to make progress.

Iberia has been one of the quieter corners of the map, but that changes rapidly as Free Rome looks to exert a little more freedom over the last city of Broken Rome. Gaius Marius has amassed quite the army since we last saw him, and there’s a decent chance they could wipe the other Iberian civ from the map. Of course there is another Iberian nation now, but Chad Rome has allied with Free Rome in this war. They haven’t reinforced their Spanish colonies at all though, and it’s not inconceivable that Broken Rome could briefly retake Arpinum, though they’d have to completely abandon their capital to do it, so it’s unlikely. South of these states, Forgotten Rome constructs another wonder. Sure looks like the Tower of London, but that’s not a wonder I’m familiar with.

Chad Rome has firmly turned the Lost War in their favour, capturing Castrum Novum with enough forces to march on Agrippina if they chose. They’ve firmly become the dominant force of the region, though they’ve still not come up against a truly formidable opposition yet.

Only the freest of nations could produce the most unchained of genres… jaaaaazzzzz. No shock then that Miles Davis is their brand ambassador, sailing through the seas in his silent way. Golden Rome doesn’t only have skirmishers, they’ve also got line infantry. Theirs is the most advanced army on the map. Now if only they had someone to use it on, eh? In the Adriatic, I’m left mightily confused that West Rome has managed to grab a Great Admiral, being the most landlocked Rome in Europe.

Job… uh… done? After just six turns the war between Punished Rome and Eminent Rome is over. Seemingly terrified of losing their capital, Eminent Rome instead gives away their city of Arminium. This leaves the city they took from Supreme Rome right at the start of this episode completely isolated, and probably craters any outside chances they had of leaving an impact on the game.

I was not blessed with the gift of clairvoyance. Not only has Free Rome made next-to-no effort in uniting the Hispanic tribes, camping their army menacingly but ineffectively in Portugal, but Broken Rome only went and reconquered Arpinum. I’m not really sure Chad Trajan’s even noticed they’re at war, given he’s over in Tunisia at the moment. Still, this is a real embarrassment. Certainly given Kevin Costner there some inspiration.

Looks like Eminent Rome was still at war with Supreme Rome, and the latter had almost managed to retake their city… before settling for peace. A very silly move if you ask me. Supreme Rome still has so much space to settle, but they’ve only built the three cities all game. Fairly embarrassing for a so-called Supreme nation.

Speaking of civs that have only built three cities, here’s another one, West Rome. As with many civs at the moment, they seem more confirmed with sending their musicians far and wide, though the great person we have highlighted is their engineer Li Bing. He developed an irrigation/anti-flooding system on the Yangtze 2,200 years ago, and it’s still in use today! Just to the bottom right of them… are you seeing this? An ancient ruin? Jesus, has no one explored the map yet?

The most tense region of the map explodes again, with Shiny Rome deciding it’s time to take on Old Rome once and for all. It looks like their army is amassing in the west, but there’s a problem - Old Rome has always been one of the more advanced nations, and they’re rocking Enlightenment units that Shiny Rome can only dream of. I’m not sure how much spiritual enlightenment led to those innovations, but Old Rome does currently boast Guru Arjan among their ranks, one of two Sikh Gurus to be executed by the Mughals, and the first compiler of the holy text the Adi Granth.

Free Rome is still, bizarrely, not in control of Andalusia. Really, I don’t know what they’re doing. Broken Rome must be going through a cultural renaissance following its reunification, and following in Kevin Costner’s footsteps is Luciano Berio. I’ve tried listening to Berio before. I don’t get it.

Well, if making a half-hearted attempt at an invasion worked once, lightning might strike twice. Punished Rome sends a few boats to bother Supreme Rome, and given the latter’s proven diplomatic finesse, it wouldn’t surprise me if they gave away Placentia in a couple of turns. The two cities themselves though are both fairly defensible by sea, both only bordering the one water tile.

The first blood is shed in the Great Asian War, with Leptis Parva taking a couple of knocks from the Old Roman navy in the Sea of Marmara. That Lost Roman trireme is doing some heavy lifting for Shiny Rome, attempting to pull an Evergreen on the Dardanelles. Meanwhile Old Rome’s key admiral is on the wrong side of the straits, chilling between Nicomedia and Thapsus. That’s Erik the Red, by the way, the Viking chap who settled Greenland. At the top of the screen, Supreme Rome has taken my words to heart and are sending a new settler out, far from their core.

Not content with western Anatolia taking all the attention, South Rome declares war on Punished Rome! They do have something of a numerical advantage, but still a fair way to travel before they reach the Punishing borders. There they’ll be met by the fabulously named Gwaggaeto the Great. Psst… that’s actually a typo, it should be Gwanggaeto, one of the greatest emperors of the Korean kingdom of Goguryeo. To the north, Shiny Rome has a new Black Sea colony, Tingis, in the former land of Colchis.

If Free Rome was throwing its chance at taking over Broken Rome, they’ve no hope of doing it now, as their attentions are diverted to a declaration of war by Upper Rome. Philip II is leading the charge - that’s Alex the Great’s dad, a distinguished general and king in his own right. The Pyrenees are going to be a difficult barrier to traverse, and Upper Trajan might find his efforts scuppered by the mountains, the same things that saved his bacon from Golden Rome. Still, he does also have naval support, and ships have already started to deal damage to Hadria.

One front in the Shiny-Old War I hadn’t clocked is this one in Palestine, with Qart Hadasht blockaded by Shiny ships. Leading the defence fleets is Roger of Lauria, an excellent medieval admiral of Aragon. And so far he’s doing an admirable job, with the city not having taken a lick of damage.

The first advance on the home front comes courtesy of Old Rome, who sends a very advanced army to besiege Aquileia. And Shiny Rome simply doesn’t have the defenders to match here. Maybe Luigi Cherubini can sing the attackers to sleep? He’s an Italian composer of the Classical and Romantic eras, who’s not particularly remembered today but was incredibly respected in his time. Not sure how useful he’ll be in manning the barricades, though.

With Free Rome having completely dropped the ball, Chad Rome takes it upon itself to tackle Tyrus. And they should at least flip the city, with it already having fallen into the deep red… but it’ll inevitably flip back, given Broken Rome’s superior land presence. Forgotten Rome has appointed the devil himself, Hannibal Barca - scourge of the Romans, but a respected military genius. His first decree is to send a settler to Spain. You sure about that, guys? It’s not the peaceful summer holiday location it once was. Hard to doze off with all the cannon blasts.

Hmm. How did this happen? I’m guessing this was the result of an off-screen peace treaty, with Lower Rome inexplicably giving away their prime city of Motya to Old Rome, a nation who could never possibly have scratched them. This does add an interesting new dimension to the Shiny Old War, as this part of the Med is definitely Shiny Trajan’s stomping ground. I guess Hunyadi isn’t half the military great he was in our timeline. You know, the only reason churches ring their bells at noon every day is to celebrate this fellow defending Belgrade from the Ottomans. That’s wild. It’s been six hundred years, we can probably finish celebrating now.

Old Rome takes the first prize of the war, capturing the north Aegean port of Hippo Diarrhytus. But I fear this is only the start of the battle, as the Shiny Roman navy should retake the port soon. We can see their handy army hanging out on the Asian coast - they could probably do with helping out at Aquileia. That Supreme Roman settler is still wandering. I guess when you don’t build cities all that often, you wanna make sure it’s perfect, you know? Meanwhile, the notifications tell us of a capital capture. Let’s jump to that right now...

...Oh. That didn’t last long. Tyrus fell to Chad Rome, but Broken Rome retook their capital and sued for peace immediately thereafter. What a blisteringly successful war that was for them! They took back their second city, and somehow that city flip took place without a single civilian being killed, so they’ve remained fully intact! Free Rome has certainly lost interest in them by now, so this is a huge win for the Broken bunch. Pay no attention to the artefact in the bottom left of the screen.

Not too much has changed since we last saw this front, but we can see the admiral who will be launching the retake of Hippo. This is a French chap whose name I don’t care to type out in full. He discovered the Kerguelen archipelago, and even snipped a little bit out of his mammoth name to give to those islands. Look at that missionary near Leptis Parva. Congratulations, you remembered Just Rome exists!

Golden Rome looks solid as ever, with some fancy new units in their ranks - riflemen and cruisers, wow! But as ever, they’ve no one to use them on, as they seem on friendly terms with their neighbours, especially West Rome who have been permitted to have a little military base near Sora. The Golden Romans probably think such antiquated soldiers are kind of cute. They’ve appointed famed aviator Sikorsky to their engineering department, so expect some scary copters soon. In the top left we can see that Capital Rome has a more advanced government now. Hahaha, just kidding, looks like they’ve turned full-on nationalist. Not ideal.

I guess when you can’t send soldiers, you send musicians. There’s no deeper meaning to that, Shiny Rome has just sent Cherubini to their front lines, as a last ditch attempt to stop what appears to be the inevitable, the fall of Aquileia. But in better news for them, the news reports tell us Hippo is back in yellow hands. South Rome begins sending their armies to Punished Rome, who clearly doesn’t think much of the threat as they’re still sending their armies to bother Supreme Rome across the Black Sea.

Chad Rome continues to push on Lost Rome, although the latter has mustered more of a home army now. The Chad armies are being led (at the back) by notorious Han warlord Cao Cao, so if they take Agrippina I’m not expecting many to be spared in the sack. In other news, Wat Phra Kaew has been completed. By Golden Rome or Explosive Rome? Your guess is as good as mine. Doesn’t really matter either way - it’s a city-state related wonder, so not much good here.

Drop Donda. Or maybe don’t. You guys hear that he took out Kid Cudi and replaced him with the Globgelob guy? This album’s gonna be an absolute train wreck if it ever does release. Anyway, not sure what Kanye’s attempting here - no, I mean in-game this time. Seems to just be trapped between Supreme and Punished Romes. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.

Oh come on! This was just hotting up! Alas, this Taizu dude (the founder of the Song Dynasty) comes to power and immediately makes peace with Shiny Rome. Probably just ‘cause the walls of Nicomedia took a single scratch. Well, that’s an anticlimax and a half - this is a fully white peace, with pre-bellum borders. I wonder if Old Rome, who were definitely holding the cards, will live to rue this treaty.

At first glance the notification makes it look like these guys made peace as well, but that’s actually Punished Rome and Supreme Rome, who also make white peace. No, Chad Rome is still pushing on Agrippina, and should take the city soon - Lost Rome’s defending forces can’t even get close to the city they’re meant to be protecting. Capital Rome builds the biggest of Bens.

There’s a real chain of wars going on here; Free Rome invading Broken Rome, Upper Rome invading Free Rome and now Golden Rome are once again invading Upper Rome. As I said before, their military is the most advanced in the Med, but that doesn’t excuse the ol’ Alps problem. Not yet anyway - wait til we get planes. Leon Shimkin’s an interesting choice to lead the troops… he’s, uh, a book publisher.

This war’s not really setting me alight yet. South Rome has still failed to force a push on the Punished Roman defenders, while Punished Rome is just sending ships to be shot to death by the crossbows near Viroconium. Hopefully something snaps in this war soon. I didn’t even notice until just now but holy hell - South Rome never even built a third city. Pretty humiliating in all honesty. Capital Rome meanwhile have settled loads since we last saw them, and have yet another settler creeping into the bottom of this screen. We can see in the notification at the top that Agrippina has, indeed, fallen to the Gigachads. And Free Rome claims another wonder not much use to us in this game.

Many of our Trajans have formed new styles of government, so let’s take a peek at some of the notable ones. Upper Rome has a merchant league economy, a la medieval Venice, in total contrast to the strict military police state of South Rome. Old Rome appears to have a functioning socialist republic, which is nice to see, while their rivals Shiny Rome is a more traditional imperial state. West Rome is a strict theocracy - I assume one of Anglicanism’s tenets is isolationism.

Golden Rome’s run by the plebeians - they’re doing a pretty good job, gotta hand it to them. Two other military dictatorships are Forgotten Rome and Free Rome - that name’s taken on a bit of irony, in the vein of People’s Democratic Republic of Korea.

I’m loving some of these leader names - we’ve got a couple of Trajans calling themselves Strategos, Broken Rome’s Grand Domestic (fittingly, a Byzantine term), and my favourite one, Explosive Rome’s very modest “mayor”. Capital Rome is run by the Capital Roman Left Appeal, which definitely sounds more like a charity than a governing party.

As we saw, Agrippina falls to Chad Rome, but don’t rule out a recapture as Lost Rome has finally found an army. Ultimately I think Chad Rome’s riflemen will eventually overcome the resistance, but we’ve seen weirder peace treaties yet. For now though, Chad Rome is firmly on its path to reclaiming all the old Carthaginian lands. Libya and Sicily oughta do it. South Rome and Punished Rome end a war that was going nowhere, and Upper Rome builds… the Gate of the Sun? That’s an ancient era wonder! How has no one built that yet?! It gives growth bonuses to their cities, which should be handy-ish.

Just as I was thinking everyone and their uncle has riflemen now, Golden Rome shows us their new Great War Infantry. And they’ve got the game’s first ideology - it’s Communism, baby! Makes a certain amount of sense given we saw they were rocking a peasant republic before that. They’ve also settled Saldae on Corsica. Still not the southern bit of Italy though. Leaving that for later.

The yang to Golden Rome’s yin, Capital Rome restores balance by adopting fascism as their ideology. They’ve been pretty quiet this whole part, so we’ll see if the new regime lights a fire under the nation’s belly. They’ve also settled a couple new cities here and there, Baecula and Aleria.

And the balance is immediately tipped over again as Shiny Rome follows Golden Rome and adopts Communism. They’re looking a lot handier than Old Rome to the north now; I did think Old Trajan might live to regret not making more of his advantage. But this region of the map still remains as finely tuned as ever.

And once again we’re back to equilibrium as Explosive Rome rather wisely chooses the same ideology as scary neighbour Capital Rome. Okay, that’s enough ideologies for now!

Golden Rome’s attack on Upper Rome is looking as limp as their last effort was, though they did manage to flip Teurnia that time, so a siege isn’t out of the question yet. The technology disparity will certainly help here. And they have very little to worry about in retaliation, especially with their new wonder Pena National Palace, which bolsters the strength of all defensive buildings.

Iberia returns to peace once again, though you’d have struggled to have noticed the war going on for a few turns now, as neither side felt much like contesting it. Broken Rome looks so much stronger now than they did at the start of this episode - I don’t think conquering the other Chad Roman cities would be out of the question. An even easier target is that completely unprotected new Forgotten Roman city right in the heart of Castile, Constantinople. To the north, Upper Rome has abandoned the attack on Free Rome to focus on the defense of the eastern borders.

We’ve been doing a tremendous job at alternating ideologies, and Chad Rome follows the trend, opting for Communism. Their core’s looking a little empty, but their sole neighbours Just Rome would have a hard time scraping the walls of the Chad Roman cities with their incredibly outdated units. I do enjoy the two citadels they’ve placed in opposition to each other, near Cumae.

Punished Rome bullies Eminent Rome again, sending another fairly meagre force straight into their core, presumably hoping Eminent Rome just chickens out and hands over Satricum as a compromise. I don’t really see them taking the city by force, as both armies look equal in size and technological finesse, and you have to favour the defender in those scenarios.

The pendulum motion of ideologies finally breaks as Forgotten Rome follows neighbour Chad Rome into Communism. Their new-ish settlement of Abyla is settled menacingly close to Just Rome. You’d have to guess either of Just Rome’s neighbours could eviscerate them if they wanted to, but for now, on they live.

Capital Rome does declare another war, against Asian rivals Old Rome. This war would be significantly more exciting without Punished Rome between the two, of course. Capital Rome has been creeping up the Euphrates, with Adrianople being their newest city. It’s on the site of Melitene, a Roman city that changed locations a couple of times before becoming the modern Turkish city of Malatya.

Of course there is one front that this war creates, with the Old Roman colony of Qart Hadasht suddenly under great threat. The army defending the outpost hasn’t received new weapon shipments from the capital for centuries, so they’re still mostly rocking pikes. Maybe they can jam down the riflemen’s guns?

Oh hell no, thinks Explosive Trajan. We’re not letting the Capital Romans take that city we’ve been meaning to take for several decades! They follow Capital Rome into war, instantly surrounding Qart Hadasht with their own riflemen. Well, if the city’s fate wasn’t sealed before, it’s been stamped shut now. Prince Rui leads the Explosive troops. I’m afraid to say that could be one of many different Chinese princes with that name, but it’s probably the one also called Dorgon, a regent of the Qing Dynasty who finished off the previous rulers, the Ming.

Ah, little, old, Just Rome. They look very peaceful, and although some of their units are damaged, they’re clearly sending trade missions to both their immediate neighbours so there’s no hidden invasion going on. It’s probably quite nice there at the moment. Well, except for the blinding heat. It is the Sahara Desert, after all.

Upper Rome has repulsed Golden Rome, to such a great extent they can even spare some units to be repulsed by Free Rome. Sweet stasis. They’ve a new engineer in their ranks, James Watt, most famous for his work on the steam engine. We’ll see if he can kickstart Upper Rome’s industrial revolution - they’ll need it to keep up with Golden Rome. Paratroopers are coming, guys.

Supreme Rome, somehow still alive, sends a musician deep into Dacia. Eregzengiin Choidog is one of the most famous Mongolian composers, which admittedly isn’t too hard an accolade to claim. After squinting at the notification for about five weeks, I think that’s Golden Rome who’s built Brandenburg Gate.

Erik the Red has valiantly managed the beleaguered city of Qart Hadasht for the last three turns, somehow preventing the city from taking a smidgen of damage. But it’s really only a matter of time, as both their rivals’ huge armies swarm into the plains of Palaestina. These two fascist empires could be quite the alliance if they move onto other nearby rivals like Communist Shiny Rome. Of course, that’s if they don’t fall out first.

Free Rome had one job. Pick Freedom. Instead they opt for Communism, which is fast becoming the majority ideology of the Med. Forgotten Rome expands their scattered territories in Iberia, setting Cherson in the bottom right and Sardica in the bottom left of the screen. The latter is on the site of the Roman Olisipo, better known today as Lisbon. These cities aren’t going to last long in the event of war, but knows? Maybe they’re just bait.

Qart Hadasht begins to take damage, and it seems Explosive Rome is the one currently on track to take the city, with far more melee units stationed nearby than Capital Rome. Fleeing the war zone, Explosive Rome’s hottest new band The Ramones find comfort near Cyprus. Presumably they’re midway through recording their new album Rocket to Roma. Insert any number of other Ramones jokes here.

There’s one other front that had slipped my mind - do any of you remember that random city Old Rome treatied away from Lower Rome? Well, Explosive Rome remembered, and they’ve sent a huge armada to liberate the city. Honesty, that’s overkill - they’re going to sail into that city virtually unchallenged. The fleet is led by Don John, who’s used to much more evensided battles - he’s most known for his triumph at the Battle of Lepanto, one of the largest naval battles in history and one that severely weakened the Ottoman Empire.

Hyman G. Rickover. That name sounds like it’s related to the Rickroll, but actually this fellow was the longest serving member of the US Armed Forces and the father of the US Navy’s nuclear fleets. Well, he doesn’t have too many ships to command in Ibossim, which isn’t really under much threat at the moment. Golden Rome is still focussed on Upper Rome, which you can kind of see at the top of the shot. Forgotten Rome meanwhile has discovered the Balearics, but bypasses the party life of Ibiza for gentler Majorca.

As predicted, Qart Hadasht falls to Explosive Rome, uniting their exclave of Hispalis with the rest of their empire for the first time. Key to the victory was Carlos III of Spain, who fans of the CBRX will recognise as the current season’s Spanish leader. He’s doing significantly better here than there. A war between Explosive and Capital Rome would be a sight to behold - the Capital Roman forces are already swarming through the area around Hispalis, but with both sides having formidable reserves it would be a very difficult conflict to call. For now, they’re friends.

Oh, now THIS is interesting. Broken Rome faces two declarations of war, from both the Iberian interlopers, Forgotten and Chad Rome. Tyrus is under certain threat from both enemies’ powerful navies, but on the other hand, the unprotected colonies of both nations aren’t out of the woods by any means. It’s maybe too much for Broken Rome to take on both of these powerhouses at once, but I wouldn’t rule anything out. Meanwhile Explosive Rome builds Prora - I can tell it’s them and not Golden Rome, because only fascist nations can build that wonder.

The construction of that wonder may have been to celebrate the most obvious city capture of the game, as Motya easily folds to Explosive Rome. They now have a lovely base behind enemy lines for the inevitable next war with Lower Rome - either that, or Lower Rome just immediately liberates their old city. They really haven’t fallen that far behind their neighbours, so no funny business.

The most finely balanced region is still, well, very balanced. If anything Shiny Rome looks to have dropped a little behind again, though their GWI is the most advanced infantry unit on the screen. Zama Regia is still the only city to have changed hands in the region later known as Turkey. Two new wonders are completed, with Capital Rome taking the Louvre and Explosive Rome (I think) finishing the Sagrada Familia, which we haven’t even managed in our world yet, so that’s pretty impressive.

A couple turns into the war and things aren’t much clearer. Broken Rome’s tiny navy is trying its best against Chad Rome’s superior ships, and once they’ve been vanquished Tyrus will be wide open. But undaunted, Broken Trajan sends his armies to both Sardica and Cherson, intent on capturing cities their navies can’t conquer (the tip of Portugal is just stopping ships crossing into the Atlantic). They’ve also begun production of chocolate… sorry, “chocolate”. Y’all Americans with your Hershey Bars don’t know what you’re missing.

You’ve got to be kidding me. Punished Trajan, take a bow. After waging yet another war with absolutely no chance of taking a city by force, he’s managed to swindle Eminent Rome into handing over yet another city, Saticula. At this point it’s just sad. I wonder if Punished Rome could do something similar to their stronger neighbours? Would be funny to see Shiny Rome worn down like this.

Free Rome and Upper Rome also make an expected white peace. Nakaoka Shintaro hasn’t had a lot to do; in real life he was an associate of another CBRX legend, Sakamoto Ryoma. They could definitely sweep a city or two by joining in with Broken Rome to defend their peninsula from the foreign invaders, but that would depend on them actually taking action, which is unlikely.

The war between Chad Rome and Lost Rome hasn’t actually stopped, but the momentum has definitely slowed, with the majority of the Chad army hanging back at Agrippina, with only the occasional cavalry being sacrificed on reconnaissance missions. Still, I wouldn’t be shocked to see this change soon - Chad Rome definitely has the troops to finish the job, if not the drive.

Sardica is successfully conquered by Broken Rome, but that’s the only good news for the poor little nation. Forgotten Rome has landed an amphibious invasion at Gibraltar, pointed straight at the heart of Tyrus. The defence of the capital is entrusted to Baybars, the most successful Mamluk sultan. The invasion of Cherson has been called off, probably for the better - they’ll need all the troops they can get now. Upper Rome claims two very cultural wonders, Broadway and the Eiffel Tower, the latter of which suits their Gallic roots.

Communism has definitely taken hold in the continent now, on either side of the Iron Curtain, with Punished Rome joining all their immediate neighbours under the hammer and sickle, with the exception of fascist Capital Rome. Their lands are looking empty, but it’s only because the whole army is still up in Russia, coming home after the Phony War.

Well, that’s going to be it for this episode, but we do have some stats to review before I leave you. This has been a long episode, so I’ll be blasting through these. Despite being out of the limelight for a little while, Shiny Rome still has a huge military, about three times bigger than the respectable Upper Rome.

It’s even slightly bigger than Capital Rome’s army, which in turn outstrips Explosive Rome’s, which in turn outclasses Chad Rome’s - I really thought their army would’ve been bigger. Their Trajan is calling himself King of Kings now. All a bit Ozymandias.

Forgotten Trajan is calling himself President, but the nation’s still a military dictatorship. I guess their Communism is a little Ceausescu-ish. Looks like South Rome’s winning the religion game.

I thought Golden Rome would be the most advanced nation on the map, but they’re still in the Modern Era - Shiny Rome’s already at the Atomic one. Still a pretty fine military, though.

And gosh, it’s nearly a clean sweep for Shiny Rome in the stats. I was beginning to count these guys out, so quiet they’d been for the latter half of this part. Think how differently things could be turning out if Old Rome had pushed their advantage. We’ll have to see if Shiny Rome makes good on this statistical lead next time, though.

The two largest religions come from civs that have done little except proselytise this game, South Rome and Just Rome. West Rome, meanwhile, hasn’t even spread their religion to all three of their cities.

And here’s a rather pleasing map of all the religions. The strangest of these is Arianism, which Just Rome has spread randomly across the map, as far flung as Veneto and Asia Minor. I’ve honestly never seen a religion spread like that in Civ V before, it’s pretty impressive. Catholicism dominates the Middle East, while the other religions remain a little more localised.

Finally, we’re getting a full breakdown of the religions. I’ll skip all the stuff I talked about last time. Punished Rome’s Oriental Orthodoxy is pretty happiness focused, but the Great Person purchasing belief should be useful.

Forgotten Rome takes the most spectacular Reformation belief, allowing them to buy advanced military units with faith. Broken Rome’s Hussites’ one is much less glamorous.

Supreme Rome’s Eastern Orthodoxy incorporates Interfaith Dialogue, a belief I always think looks interesting and then never take.

It also boasts that really out-of-place Hermitage belief. Catholicism hasn’t changed at all since we last saw it, anyway.

Catharism remains unreformed, but Chad Rome’s Bogomilists take the excellent Reformation belief Jesuit Education, which is nearly always the one I take. Should help them bounce back technologically.

And the roaming Arians adopt a tourism themed belief. Very useful. Well, that wraps it up today. It’s been an eventful episode, with a couple of eliminations and some very tense wars, but next episode promises to be even more fiery, with the dawn of planes, paratroopers and even nukes almost upon us. Until then - I’ve been Lacsirax Ariscal, thanks to Coiot for having me, and see you next time!