Civ Battle Royale September 29, 2021
Power-Rankers
Power Rankings! They’re rankings of power! (But only as of the instant of the end of the previous episode, as these are not meant to be future predictions!) Power Rankings!
Vihreaa
Oh Japan, what you could have been. With the move that nobody could have seen coming, they decided to not settle their home island chain, but instead settle in Manchuria. While there are those who may consider this a colossal blunder, it was all a part of Kakuei’s plan. Unfortunately for Japan, Kakuei is very bad at math. This led to Japan being split for the most part for most of its history, and as they say, united we stand, divided we fall, and the rest is history.
Altima
This one hurts to see. I wanted to see how Tahiti’s UA would mess up an endgame map, with its reduced size granting more potential for nonsense. They almost certainly would never have accomplished any more than they did in this timeline, but it would have been funny to see. Pour one out for the Pink Party Pals, something fruity and sweet while gazing longingly at a beach and dreaming of things that never were to be.
Random Strategy
The Neutrals were expected to do well, being ranked initially at 4th, having a large amount of land to settle and good natural barriers. Unfortunately, they failed to live up to their potential. They were so isolated that they did have plenty of time to build as many settlers as they wanted; the problem was that that number was 0. By the time they finally got round to it, other civs such as the New Netherland, the Dene, Iceland and even Mississippi were colonising Neutral territory. Despite cheating in a few anachronistic musketmen, Neutral territory was eventually reduced to just their main city of Niagara (their useless tiny citadelled capital was captured by New Netherlands, which then later became THEIR replacement capital). As a city state, they did successfully repel an invasion by the now-also-rumped New Netherlands. Unfortunately, in this part the Vandals decided they wanted to finish off the New Netherlands. And, in what is a common fate of neutral nations, the Vandals simply rolled through the Neutrals to get to their actual target.
Knot
Well, with the Neutrals finally dead and gone, New Netherlands now gets to hold the title of longest eastern American rump! I hope they enjoy this new position, and I’m sure they’re going to live a long illustrious life on the cylinder to rival the Neutral’s reign as king rump!
Wait, what’s the exact opposite of what I just said? An instant fiery death due to Vandal encroachment? Yeah, let’s go with that instead.
MsurdejBad news: Palmares is at war with half a dozen countries, have next to no production or army, and are one Marajoara sneeze away from being eliminated.
Good news: five of those countries are nowhere near Zumbi, and the only one that is the Olmecs, who also suck.
Rosé:
I’m genuinely upset that the Olmecs are still alive. So many civs that have actually impacted the game or at least did something, anything at all, lived longer. The olmecs have not made a single good move this entire game, and yet somehow they still manage to not die. Rio grande please come down to central america and do it to ‘em.
Vihreaa
Yuan has the unique trait in that it actually cannot die. Yes, you heard that right.
Now… while they may not actually be impervious to death, they are much harder to kill than any other rump should be. Due to some mumbo jumbo that I don’t know the specifics on, Yuan’s last city cannot be captured. It is literally like next-level border gore, when your entire city is just within another nation's territory.
Altima
They still live! Their life comes down to the incompetence of others, but they still live! And better still, the Food Bug has visited their capital and delivered a blessing of population. Good part for this one-city runt civ.
Cloudberg:
Chinook rises to 38th, but they still only have six land tiles between two cities. I swear to god they’d better not sneak into Cycle 2 like this.
Msurdej
While Great Perm had never been that great in my opinion, they’ve definitely fallen from whatever they called grace before. The soviet bear, long asleep, has woken up and taken a large bite out of Stephen’s empire. Now with two cities, and less production/troops than Hawai’i, Puny Perm will be lucky to have Uzbek peacekeepers protect it long enough to survive until the end game.
Lacsirax: We’re rolling into the stretch of the game where all the civs that have sat around doing nothing for fifteen episodes finally face the consequences of their unadventurousness. More than any other civ, Zanzibar had stealthed their way unnoticed through this game - did you realise that the Chola invasion marked the first time a Zanzibari city had ever changed hands? Still, Raja Raja’s invasion of Zanzibar was decisive, leaving them with two cities - an Arabian town they managed to capture against all odds (the only non Zanzibar-founded city they have ever conquered), and an Antarctic capital. I am personally holding onto the hope that Zanzibar huddles back inside their invisibility cloak now; it’d be fun to finally see a civ starting in Antarctica when we come to Endgame.
Vihreaa
Georgia… didn’t really do much this part. But then again, do they really do much in any part? These questions aren’t important. But what is important is the fact that George is still alive and kicking, that is unleast any of their neighbors want that to be otherwise. Despite this, Georgian’s hearts are strong, as they are gambling that they will somehow be able to turn this around if they make it to Endgame.
Msurdej
Good news Cleopatra fans, you’re not dead! Yes, despite the best efforts of Malacca, the generous Kulin have seemed to have parked a tank right on the city of Lindi, preventing Malacca from capturing it without causing a massive war. This is great news to Cleopatra, but basically makes her continued living not anyone’s choice but Barak’s.
Knot
As a rump, Sweden is one of the better ones since they have two cities and one of them is in an icy tundra far from civilization. This would matter more if we weren’t in the era of paratroopers, but hey, if they continue to survive, I think they’d have an endgame start in Siberia which would be one of the worst starts you could ask for and that’d be very funny, so I’m rooting for them.
Hawaii is ranked 32nd. That’s only two ranks away being in the top half of all civs, alive and dead, and by some distance their record rank. As of this episode, they’ve officially outlived Tahiti. And if all that ain’t success for the Polynesian pipsqueaks, your expectations are far too high.
Random Strategy
As Zanzibar and Perm crash down from mid-tier to rump-tier, Spain (as well as a bunch of other civs) gain 2 ranks. The only interesting thing I could find to say about Spain is that they are the only civ that would lose a city to Sweden.
Lacsirax: Expectations were so low for Tuskaloosa coming into this part that he actually managed to increase the Mississippi’s ranking by 2 just by not dying. Granted they’ve only the four cities left, and the Dene are still officially at war with them, but as long as they keep open borders with the Paraguayan peace force they’re not really under any further threat. That is until the Vandals invade - their eastern border isn’t defended at all. Despite clinging onto a top 30 rank, I still don’t see Tuskaloosa joining us in Endgame.
Cloudberg:
Somehow, Laos is now in the 20s. No, they haven’t suddenly made a comeback, we’re just at the point where rumps are making it into the 20s. Everyone below them is either worse or in greater danger of dying. That said, if any of their neighbors realize that Laos is still alive, they’re beyond fucked.
Altima
Ingolofar gets to watch Missouri burn in the very same grave they dug his dreams of empire. This is more comfort than runts normally get.
Random Strategy
The Lesotho and Uzbek peacekeepers aren't doing as well as they used to, as Kurdistan is now down to 4 cities. Fortunately Zaire now has a new distraction in the 2 Sicilies to take their mind off of Kurdistan. Kurdistan has also unlocked their UU infantry: the Peshmerga. It has double movement in Hills and may cross Mountains. When attacking into rough terrain, it deals additional damage to all adjacent enemies also in rough terrain. That is probably useless against Zaire but at least it's something.
Cloudberg:
Despite numerous attempts by various neighbors to kill Bhutan, they’re still here, and despite the outbreak of another war they’ve risen 3 ranks to 26th. Lesothan “Peacekeepers” may be invading Thimphu, but if Punjab couldn’t take the city then I don’t see how Lesotho can. All around the power rankers are really not worried about Bhutan at this point.
Lacsirax: Not a particularly eventful part for everyone’s favourite ‘not-quite-a-rump-state’. The odds of a Blackfoot-esque breakout hit zero a few episodes ago. But I’m sure Toypurina’s just glad to still be here.
Knot
Finland has literally held the same rank the past five parts, and frankly, that says more about their position than any write-up ever could.
Knot
Well, the first partition of Two Sicilies wasn’t quite what Germany wanted, so they decided to invite Zaire and start the second partition of Two Sicilies! This, as you might have guessed, is very bad for Ferdinand. With no more mountains to protect them, and a more open battlefield, this second partition has the potential to be far more devastating, and they likely won’t even have a middle eastern colony to hide in if the war goes really bad. That said, Two Sicilies is nothing if not good at making meat grinders, so it’s not gonna be easy for Germany to gain anything, but the question is not “can Two Sicilies win this war” and much more likely “How much can Two Sicilies avoid losing in this war?”
Rosé:
Kosovo didn't get a mention this part for better or for worse. Kosovo certainly isn't in a super bad position compared to some of the other powers around its rank, hell it could viably take some states to make sort of a mini empire, but i don't see them going much further than that. On the bright side, it seems increasingly likely that they'll make it to endgame because of their position. The Anatolian terrain is notoriously rough to navigate, meaning that all assaults into the region would have to go through the south (which isn't exactly a viable option), or through the sea, and we all know how well the AI does at that.
Msurdej
Watch out world, Hong Xiuquan has nukes! Yes, the lil’ brother of Jesus Christ has split the atom, and now he can use it to split open the armies of his enemies. But he should be cautious, as Northern Yuan could flatten him with their army. It’s hard to say what move Taiping could make outside of an alliance, so their best move may be to wait for the Endgame.
Random Strategy
Oh hey, Paraguay has a new neighbour from down under. Paraguay is helping them slightly with their invasion by peacekeeping in their new gains. That's probably a good thing overall since it is a big distraction for Marajoara, which therefore increases Paraguay's life expectancy. Unfortunately, all this peacekeeping is taking its toll on the Paraguayan economy. With -1168 gpt, Paraguay's science budget has been gutted down to 138 effective science per turn. That's utterly terrible. That's comparable with Sweden or the Olmecs and means they probably won't even make it to the information era. They desperately need to retire the useless peacekeepers in places like Quebec or Indonesia to try and salvage some science.
Rosé:
Without Japan, Northern Yuan has become confined between the greater powers of the world, and taking Korea and maybe China are their only possible outs. After that, Northern Yuan is stuck between 3 potentially top ten powers: PARG, Malacca, and Chukchi. Parg is the only neighbor I could see Northern Yuan maybe beating, but vs Chukchi or Malacca is an elimination waiting to happen. Sorry Northern Yuan, maybe you shoulda broken the tradition of far eastern Siberian civs idling for eternity
Msurdej
I think at this point, the Gauls have three options: A) Work with somebody and double/triple team Germany, get a decisive win before going into Endgame. B) Hunk down and go into Endgame ready to eliminate nearby rivals quickly. C) Die. All in all, not a great set of plans, but considering how Vercingetorix has been able to stay in the top 20 for most of the game, that's impressive.
Cloudberg:
Chola climbs back a spot to 17th after surprisingly failing to die in the war with Punjab. Chola came out of the conflict battered but far from bowed, and they took enough cities from Zanzibar to offset the ones they lost to Punjab (although numerous core cities were damaged severely and will take some time and effort to rebuild). That now marks two times that Punjab has failed to kick Chola off the Indian subcontinent, and each time this occurs, our confidence that Chola will make to to Cycle 2 grows.
Vihreaa
Lesotho is a civ that if you look at them in a vacuum, they’re looking pretty good. Solid cities, good army, all that fun stuff. They problem that they face is that they are cornered off and essentially only have one neighbor, Zaire, a much stronger power. Past that is Nigeria, who is living in the year 3021. Perhaps a coalition war of Lesotho and Nigeria against Zaire could shake things up in Africa.
Rosé:
The Mapuche actually have an opening to take on their infinitely more successful sister nation Marajoara. With the Kulin backdoor squad finally arriving in South America Mapuche is in the prime position where it can pick a side to determine the fate of South America. Given that all Marajorian hands are on deck with either preventing a Kulin invasion or cleaning nuclear waste, a Mapuche invasion into Brazil would be laughably one-sided. Alternatively, Mapuche could push against Kulin into the pacific, though i feel that would just result in Kulin getting more South American holdings. Either way, Mapuche needs to pick a side, and if they do so correctly, they would be back in contention for being a world power
Lacsirax: Wondering why the Dene fell three this episode? Well, so am I, to be honest, given their conquest of the Mississippi went fairly swimmingly, with only four cities remaining under Tuskaloosa’s grasp, protected only by peacekeepers. I suppose their stats aren’t particularly exemplary, but they do outclass their only real rivals Rio Grande on production, and while the Chukchi’s stats run rings around them, a quick look at the border reveals Thanadelthur is far more prepared for a war than Lawtiliwadlin on that front. We’ll chalk this up to course correction from a hype bump last episode, but frankly I do expect to see the Dene rise further as we near Endgame. And hey, 14 is still certainly higher than 52, the rank we gave them in Part 0.
Altima
Quiet PARG part again. After failing to hop in on the Soviet’s Permesian slaughter, Kolchak now borders the significantly more advanced Red Russians on Lenin’s terms, rather than his own. Still, the food bug has helped him catch up in a number of important ways. Production, troop count, effective science… If Lenin declared right now, Lenin likely wins - power armor against armored trains is no contest. But if Kolchak can bide his time, he stands to catch up.
Altima
Honestly, continuing to grind away at the Italians forever until they die while better options for conquest exist is entirely in character for Kaiser Wilhelm. Still not a particularly productive use of his time, but he’s making progress at least. While the wars have been slow going because All Alps Are Assholes, the progress made in the last war seems to have been enough of a turning point to make Wilhelm’s raw force advantage count enough to maybe actually break through this time. Airpower stands to be a huge part of this war- the Sicilians have like two planes, and the Germans have a bunch, and as a consequence half of Sicily is in the red. Hopefully, this time Lil’ Willy will actually finish what he started so many episodes ago.
Vihreaa
In the last few parts, we have seen the Vandals and their cross oceanic empire fall from grace. After losing just about all of their Caribbean holdings to Marajoara, the Vandals have been having difficulty bouncing back. Without particularly strong stats in any one area (except you, number of trade routes) the Vandals will have to rely on their exemplary ability to conduct naval invasions to gain more ground in the game.
Knot
As I’m sure you’re painfully aware, Rio Grande cannot lose most of their empire at this point. We’re basically assured that Rio Grande is going to survive into endgame and the question is just how much can they gain before that happens? So far, the answer has been “not quite as much as expected.” After the good, but not excellent, war with the Mississipi, and the decent, but not great, war with Marajoara, Rio Grande hasn’t done much. They’ve certainly expanded, but not quite as much as fans of the big hat bois might have wanted from a civ of their caliber. The downside of a Rio Grande war is very little, so declaring wars on literally any civ surrounding them (Dene, Chukchi, Marajoara, even Tongva) should be their modus operandi before the game resets, and they get yanked down to the real world with everyone else. But I guess that’d require the civ to realize that it's cheating, and civ AI this season has been full of ocean civs not knowing how to build boats, so I should prolly temper my expectations.
Cloudberg:
Zaire hands on to ninth place, but other civs are really starting to overtake them in the stats, where they’ve fallen to 13th. Several civs are opening up serious tech leads over them, they’re well behind in production, and despite being one of the first civs to carpet, their production of additional units is fizzling out. However, they have finally made progress against Kurdistan after breaking through the wall of Uzbek peacekeepers, gaining them several new cities, and it wouldn’t surprise us if they took the capital or even eliminated Kurdistan in the next couple episodes. But whether it will be enough to increase their ranking remains to be seen.
Cloudberg:
After briefly climbing to 6th, Punjab falls back to 8th, although the reason for this is unclear. Punjab gained several cities from Chola this episode, but part of the reason for this devaluation might be the fact that they should have gained many more: the majority of the cities that they flipped ended the war back in Cholan hands. However, Punjab fans do have a source of optimism in Punjab’s tech path, which is putting it in competition only with Rio Grande in a race to get to the overpowered space wonders on the technical side of the tech tree.
Random Strategy
At long last! What we've all been waiting for! The USSR went back to conquering for the first time since they captured Konigsberg from Sweden way back! I always had high hopes for the USSR due to how easy it would be to conquer any of their 3 midtier neighbours. The annexation of Perm does significantly increase the USSR's city count, which was actually quite small before, relative to how powerful they were. And what's more is that the other 2 midtier expansions: Finland and Kosovo, are still there for the taking whenever the USSR wants them, which (if they do eat them) will put them up to Nigeria/Chukchi city count levels! While it was conquering, the USSR did make sure to stay on top of its science game (unlike a certain other civ, *cough* Uzbekistan) and was the first civ of the cylinder to unlock biofactories on the very last turn of this part. Once built, they will provide +1 production on every plains and grassland tile which will be a very significant boost. They're also an indication that the USSR is going for bioenhancements so that'll be fun.
Msurdej
P’kuee takes a tumble this week as the Kulin begin an assault on mainland South America. Barak’s blitz has seen moderate success (as far as Australian invasions go), but the biggest problem seems to be composition. The Marajoaran land army is composed mainly of ranged and artillery, making recapture a hard task in some locations (not even counting Paraguayan peacekeepers). Of course, this is also merely an arm of Kulin’s full power. If Marajoara has to go up against more, they could find themselves dropping out of the top 10.
Altima
HE AWAKENS. Through a combination of general technological superiority and naval might the Kulin have made waves through the Marajoaran territory, marching straight into their heartlands and forcing a defensive nuclear response from our boys in clay-tone. Now, the Marajoarans are rallying, and look to push some of this back. However, there’s basically no way that the Kulin will lose their Pacific coastal captures. They will have their beachhead regardless. Let’s see if they can keep a real foothold.
Vihreaa
My favorite civ, the Chukchi, have unfortunately been stagnating these last few parts, as much as I hate to admit it. Because of this, they’ve allowed neighboring civs such as Northern Yuan and the Dene to catch up to them, whether it be in military or technology. Fortunately for the Chukchi, they control a strong navy in the Pacific, which gives them many more options than just the two civs mentioned before. Their most vulnerable neighbor would likely be Tongva, and could likely be conquered without much ease. The Chukchi train isn’t over yet!
Random Strategy
Uzbekistan keeps sinking deeper into its pit of dept. They’re currently at -5k gpt! That's ridiculous. And it does mean their science is starting to lag behind. Frankly I'm surprised they haven't lost 5 ranks to this because without science, what will they do when faced with nexii and xcoms? They are already falling behind this very part, as Punjab is the first civ of the cylinder to unlock vertical farms while the USSR is the first civ of the cylinder to unlock biofactories: both of those are major stat gains. And more will follow and continue to pile up. Their third main neighbour, PARG, is still behind due to a terrible midgame but is rapidly catching back up at breakneck speed. And where will that leave Uzbekistan in Endgame? Surrounded by bigger and better civs, with nowhere to expand. Uzbekistan absolutely have to fix this problem and disband their useless peacekeepers before it becomes too late.
Rosé:
I feel that it can go without saying that Malacca has grown stagnant as of recently, and the rest of the world is growing impatient. At first Malacca's decline was just due to Nigeria's rise, but it now seems that a much larger problem has surfaced. Sure Tahiti is gone, good job I guess, but that's not the game-defining DOW that all of the rising powers have had as of recently (Nigeria had Ptolemies, Uzbekistan had Sweden, USSR had Great Perm etc.) Additionally, since Kulin has finally done something worth talking about, Malacca just can't go south, leaving only three options, all of which are decreasing in viability. Chola does seem like the most reasonable option but Chola has shown that it isn't a pushover. The window is closing for Malacca and it gets harder to open as time flies by
Lacsirax: Nigeria remains top dog this episode, despite having been quiet for a little while now. Their exemplary stats make sure of that, still dominating science and rocking production levels only slightly edged by Malacca. It’s also fair to say they’re the only superpower without an inherent flaw - Malacca has its naval reliance, Uzbekistan’s bleeding money, the Chukchi’s neglect of its military is alarming, the Kulin are still based in Australia, etc. If there’s anything to mark against Nigeria, it’s their somewhat limited expansion options. Zaire would likely be bloodier than it’s worth, the Med is a notorious flipzone, and the Middle East is chock full of peacekeepers. Still, even without picking up another city before Endgame, they should still be able to hold onto their fantastic stats - and that’ll set them in excellent stead come the restart.
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