Power Rankings: Episode 17 – S3

Release Date:

February 7, 2023

Narrated by:

Power-Rankers

Abstract

Power Rankings! They’re rankings of power! (But only as of the instant of the end of the previous episode, as these are not meant to be future predictions!) Power Rankings!

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Brazil

1 / 0

1: Brazil

Leman:

Brazil is dead. Their life consisted of a distinct lack of settling, which was bad, but it was the donation of Sao Salvador to the Inca that really sealed the deal, and dashed all of Pedro’s hopes and dreams. The rest of their existence was a quiet one, as if they were just waiting for Kayapo to put them out of their mystery, which, on turn 228, finally happened.

Perhaps it was a good thing, though, that Pedro I wasn’t able to live up to Pedro II’s lofty standard that was set all the way back in Mk 2. Can CBR really survive another Carnival? Can we stand to see the map painted green again? I mean probably, but Pedro I is not going to do it.

1: Brazil

Leman:

2: Modoc

JDT:So, Modoc in trouble? Modoc? Modco modoc deaddrop? Surrounded, city low HP? Problem? No! Modok! Too strong! 120023u08 production, infinite troop! In undergorund punker, troop! No dead, step 1 world dominate! Become, come cum one world comanche cree mohave! Buzz buzz! Sweeping time! Sweepssjdkfjoi! fjdsjfdjsfl

3: Yolngu

Altima

Yolngu’s super fucked, dog.

Really, really, fucked.

Prime those F keys, dudes.

4: Khazaria

Orange:

Khazaria status: Alive

War status: Not at war with Turkey, the Permians, Massagetae, or Afghanistan.

5: Cambodia

Reformer:

Woooah! Cambodia rises to one of their best spots ever, thanks to some civs entering death’s door. Modoc is about to get suddenly merced, Yolngu is on its last legs, and…the third one Cambodia passed…Khazaria? Huh, well, chalk it up to stock market uncertainty. Kokang seems to like keeping a pet around, so expect Cambodia to climb a pile of corpses. What a mental image!

6: Vermont

Leman:

Vermont gained a bit this week and I think that’s due to Yolngu and Modoc’s collapse, but I don’t care enough about Vermont to check. 52nd or 51st, they’re still ass.

7: Egypt

Rosay:

Remember when we all thought Egypt was going to be a game winning contender, then thought they were going to die at the hands of Turkey? Well the latter is still going to happen just a matter of when.

8: Seminole

Emu:

Seminope. Micanopy's Tampa Bay metropolis of Cuscowilla continues to juice itself up for the sole purpose of being a nice pickup for FDR. I actually kind of like these guys still. I'm not mad, just disappointed.

9: Ainu

Orange:

I had really not thought this was gonna happen, but the Gokturks actually did something and took two Ainu cities. I would say “at least that’s the limit of their expansion” but nope, they have boats ready to start going after Sat Poro Pet soon enough. It’s starting to feel like this war might just be a war to eliminate and not just rumpify.

10: Uganda

Msurdej: Uganda goes up a point due solely to the collapse of the Ainu. They’ve made some decent stat gains since last episode, but nothing to write home about. The Rwenzori Mountains are still the biggest boon Idi Amin has to his defense.

11: Kwakwaka’wakw

Orange:

Willie’s empire seems like it’s quickly collapsing at this point and he’s so in debt that his lands are probably filled with more IOUs than men. It’s uh, not looking good, sadly. At the very least, they still have a bunch more cities, so if they can peace out soon maybe they can build back some semblance of a nation, right? Also as a sidenote, ffs Willie how did Cree settle the Haida island before you, what were you thinking?

12: Tetouan

Orange:

Well, Mali finally figured out how to capture cities… Think that’s all that needs to be said really.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Central America

13: Central America

Cloudy:

Central America narrowly avoided decapitation this episode thanks to a well-timed peace treaty with the Muisca—had they not pulled that off, they probably would have lost their capital. Still, Morazon came out of the war much diminished, and a recovery is unlikely. At this point we’re just waiting to see who will finish them off, and when.

14: Kyivan Rus’

Cloudy:

Kyiv goes back up a bit after Turkey’s invasion continues to fail. In fact, Turkey is just embarking tons of land units into the black sea, where they get killed, resulting in a massive reduction in their military score. Wait, where have I seen this before?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Rio de la Plata

15: Rio de la Plata

Altima:

So on the one hand, Rio didn’t snag any Brazilian clay. That kinda sucks. On the other hand, they kept Tucuman despite the odds, which is fucking phenomenal. They’re still stuck in the middle of stronger powers with nowhere to go but down, but at least the descent is slowed and they didn’t lose any more core cities. This loser’s victory buys them a whole five ranks, which hey, good for them.

16: Pandya

Msurdej:

It says something about your power when an African navy is able to capture one of your cities, despite you having the better navy. Sure Pandya was able to flip the city back, but it was a loss of population and resources they couldn’t afford if they wanted to make a play at relevancy.

17: North Korea

Cloudy:

North Korea gains five ranks out of nowhere because they’re one of the only small civs that isn’t currently getting curb stomped by a neighbor. Congratulations, Kim!

18: Ming

Cloudy:

Ming plunges several ranks as Han troops surround their capital, threatening to begin a full-scale siege at any moment. Han doesn’t have a great track record when it comes to capturing Ming cities—they’ve tried and failed before, and they’ve already taken heavy losses—but they finally have some ranged units, including a trebuchet, in position, and Yongle would be ill-advised to ignore this development. The possibility that Ming could lose its capital is all too real.

19: Massagetae

Msurdej: With a 7 tech gap between them and their neighbor the Permians, Massagetae is going to have a hard time breaking free. Maybe they could go for those enclaves nearby though...

20: Mori

Emu

Hear me out here: Mori is actually a neat little civ and you should like them. Not because they're good- I would never claim that. They're such a neat little footnote in CBR history. You know what you're getting with Mori- a little civ that will forever be content to just chill on their island and are irrelevant without being abject failures. No Mori, no Lessi. I realize that's not a very good pitch, but that type of thing appeals to me. They're a neat little civ that you can always look over to and go “oh, that's Mori, same as always, hi Motonari.” Very pleasant if you know what to expect, like the guy on your walk home who's always out tending to his garden who you stop to make a little small talk with. His wife, er, capital in this analogy I guess is doing just fine, thank you very much. You hear that Yongle across the street has pulled off a cheeky forward settle right on his island, and you outwardly express sympathy, but really you don't feel too bad because he did the same to his neighbor not too long ago. It can't have been that long ago, can it? He's still the same, after all.

21: Botswana

Emu:

All quiet on the Gaborone front as Botswana seems, for now at least, to be fending off an invasion from an unquestionably stronger power. It had always been assumed that Cetshwayo would eat Khama's lunch the second the inevitable war was declared, and while the Zulu may still win it in the long run, Botswana is putting up an admirable defense in these crucial opening stages of the war. We can only hope that huge gap right in the middle of their line won't hurt them.

22: Castile

Emu

Castile gains 4 ranks this week, as they prove they can still fight despite their majorly unfortunate position. They spent this part battling it out with Ireland for their long-lost colony in Brittany, and while this doesn't show any ability to turn their game around, we think it indicates enough gumption that they're at least on even footing with the Anglo-Dutch. While that isn't exactly a huge accomplishment, it may help Isabella survive this brutally violent hell we've set up on the Cylinder for just a little longer.

23: Maori

Rosay:

This part finally saw Timor Leste prove that they can hang with the big boys, and ended up taking a city off of mainland Australia despite combined Wira/Yonglu resistance and gain a way to access the Indian ocean. This part also saw Maori get kicked off Australia almost entirely. Comparing the two offensives on the same civs, the difference is almost night and day where Timor came out looking like a winner, and Maroi came out looking like a chump. Its not exactly like Maori couldn't have delivered a successful offensive either, as the Wira capital is basically defenseless and Maori took until the end of the part to figure that out. Hell the only way I see this war not being labeled a titanic Maori failure is if Maori gets their shit together and goes full throttle into Wahluu but I just don't see that happening, even if they do make landfall.

24: Anglo-Dutch

Reformer:

This part, William set up a new home west of Utrecht, on the Bay of Biscay, equipped with plenty of popcorn. Indeed, William spent the whole part watching the Irish and Castilian navies beat up one another. At least each dead unit is a unit that won’t threaten his peace and popcorn.

25: Vladimir

Rosay:

I thought this civ had some potential during the Permian-Tuvan war, but that really was misplaced as they seemed to lose that golden ticket and exchanged it for a failing war with the Kievan Rus, where they didn't even take a city. Bad civ, future fodder to Lithuania or the Permians.

26: Kilwa

Altima

Through the power of ruthless idiocy, Kilwa has managed to capture a Pandyan island city. It’s going to flip, but props for the show; it cost Pandya 5 whole ranks despite being a pointless, fleeting deed that serves only to put warmonger points on a civ that cannot pay that check. Their time may well have come and passed, but hey, at least they’re still trying.

27: Greenland

Altima

Yeah it turns out triremes, as bad at their job as they are, can still accomplish things when you through roughly one billion of them into the meatgrinder. Greenland’s doing fine right now.

28: Ireland

Orange:

Ireland’s rank continues to stay pretty steady despite their stumble around Oviedo. Honestly having that city flip more really should never have happened, especially to Castile. Collins needs to get his naval tech up soon or else those ships are going to continue to make quick work of his navy.

29: Zulu

Leman:

Cetshwayo beats the drums of war as he opens up another conflict against Botswana. Like last time, the Zulu lead in just about every stat and Botswana has started the war by losing a ton of military, so odds are looking good that Zulu will be able to snag a city or two. Will this pull Zulu out of complete mediocrity? Probably not, but it’s a good start worth about three ranks.

30: Yemen

Emu

I really didn't expect Yemen to still be in the same position they were 10 episodes ago now. They still have only a few cities, and they still haven't rushed Turkish Arabia. I kind of expected that they'd've either taken their opportunity or faded into mediocrity by this point, but their stats are still good, their opportunity is still there, and they still have a path to victory. Their success, which was an enigma in the first place, continues to neither break out or collapse despite all odds. What are you, Yemen?

31: Yugoslavia

Orange:

Yugoslavia really needs to get up and move, their window for attacking the Normans seems well and truly lost, Brandenburg continues to just get stronger, and if they aren’t careful then they are gonna run out of land in the east to Turkey as well. Tick tock Tito, you’re running out of time.

32: Muisca

Reformer:

Despite the victory this part, I’m disappointed. Muisca had a great shot at the Centroamerican capital. And this disappointment, I imagine, is why they’re going down some ranks - we were assuming they’d go further. Still, Managua isn’t a bad gain, and Central America will be easier to smash next time. In other news, Muisca has researched deep-ocean vessels, settled Azores, and declared war on Castile, so you can see what the AI is thinking. Caravels alone obviously won’t work (unless you’re Kilwa), but Galleons can’t be too far off, and once they get there, I could genuinely see a cross-Atlantic naval campaign happening. Keep your fingers crossed!

33: Mali

Emu:

Even in Chad's weakened state, Mali is still second fiddle. Their stats are higher, they're making conquests, what is Sundiata doing wrong? Being in the Sahara, that's what. Mali's home region is known for civs that look strong at first and then go to pieces when the heat's on, like a hotdog in a microwave. All it would really take would be for them to win one war against Chad for me to assess them as if their territory was worth the same as everyone else's. I think right now, that's a tall, but not impossible, order. All I can say is best of luck.

34: Normans

Rosay:

The Normans are tricky to rank as they are a decently fine civ surrounded by both bangers and duds. Normans stats are generally alright, but they have to worry about Brandenburg and Turkey, two of the strongest civs on the cylinder in Europe, hell even a Yugoslavian war could cause issues for them. However opportunity arises when looking south towards Africa, and to a lesser extent West towards western Europe. To put it into perspective real quick on how much the Normans outclass these two areas, Mali and Tetouan could put aside their differences next part to take on the Normans, and the two of them would still be at a military disadvantage. If the Normans were to finally expand however, they would have to essentially wage intercontinental war on eggshells as to not piss off Turkey and Brandy too much, though I can easily see future mini Norman empire provided the two megapowers just stay busy or lazy.

35: Chad

Emu:

Chad is another one of those civs that isn't doing much right now but is undeniably a very solid regional power. That happiness hit they took a while back is going a little better but still isn't completely fixed. Their stats aren't quite where you'd expect, but with the rest of Africa so weak that's hardly a concern at all. They didn't get a mention in the part this week, but they're not to be dismissed as inactive. Watch their western border the next few parts.

36: Angola

JDT:

Angola drops to 21st, a maddening 5 rank drop, due to their stagnating statline. Let's face it - Savimbi’s stats are just not good enough to hang around the top tiers anymore. They are on the same rank as other upper mid tier regional powers like the Muisca and Chile, and their only grace is that they’re the preeminent power in Africa. As this game goes along, it really does seem a little more likely that the winner of Africa will be colonial powers, as all these other nations simply don’t have enough development to dominate and grow over each other. Nevertheless, Angola remains.

37: Bengal

Msurdej:

Bengal continues their decline, as the once top 10 power fails to do anything of notoriety. The biggest move they made in this part was settling a one tile island city near Antarctica. Yipee.

38: Chile

Cloudy:

Chile has almost fallen out of the top 20 as we increasingly believe that either the Inca or Kayapo will ultimately win South America. This decision is also supported by Chile’s stats, which are only continuing to slip: the sheet has them in 24th, below Mali and Yugoslavia, while Kayapo and the Inca either hold steady or improve. Chile does have a large army, but their tech is not stellar. Perhaps things will improve if Allende launches another invasion of Rio de la Plata, but we’re not counting on it.

39: Kayapo

Leman:

Kayapo is great and you guys are all crazy people. They have 8 (EIGHT) technologies more than second place Timor-Leste. They have more production than Cree, almost 900 effective science and more wonders than most civs have cities. They’re in the Industrial Era while Timor Leste is still trying to figure out what a Crossbow is. Oh yeah, and they just murked Brazil. Ok yeah, anyone could have killed Brazil, but anyone didn’t, Kayapo did. So, it’s about damn time they broke the top 20 again.

40: Indonesia

Emu

Indonesia rises to 17th, and at this point even I'm forced to admit that they deserve some of it. They're still weaker than the great underdog story to their east, but I'd have to say they'd win a naval war against anyone else around at this point. When all's said and done, I don't think they have much of a future, but for now they're riding high.

41: Wiradjuri

Reformer:

Big part for Wiradjuri as one would expect, capturing five cities (though burning two of them). Timor-Leste has been occupied with beating up Yolngu, too, so the two winners of the current mess of wars have barely met on the battlefield. This may change next part, though - Maori doesn’t really have vulnerable cities left, barring the one they still have in the west, and Yolngu should be on its last legs now, allowing the two to finally fight. Unless they make peace like craven fools. In such a war I would give the edge to Timor due to the tech advantage, but who knows in this crazy world.

42: Kokang

Leman:

Kokang is an interesting one. They’re a civ that’s going through a rough, rough period of stagnation right now. Their stats are solidly worse than the civs in the top ten, on account of the fact that most of those stats, especially population, have not been keeping up with other civ’s stats in the last 50 or so turns. Kokang isn’t looking bad per say, just, they aren’t looking like they’re really going anywhere, and with civs like Indonesia, Han, and Timor-Leste make substantial moves and improvements, stagnation is not really an option for Kokang. But hey, they did get a city in the Pacific this episode. That’s pretty good. I guess.

43: Permians

Msurdej:

It says something when I can look at the former #1 Permians, look at Vladimir, and can’t tell you who’d come out on top. Sure Azykay has the manpower and production advantage, but with their recent history in war, I don’t have confidence in them if they were to fight anyone. Can the permians turn it around though?

44: Timor-Leste

Cloudy:

Timor-Leste more or less holds steady as the power rankers have not changed their assessment of the civ’s capabilities. The war against both Yolngu and Wiradjuri is clearly stretching Timor’s forces thinner than we would like, and Indonesia is bulking up, but Timor’s lead in naval tech is substantial, and we believe they will probably eliminate the Yolngu next episode, allowing them to fully focus on Wiradjuri. So all around, confidence is running fairly high.

45: Mohave

Leman:

Mohave has spent the last few parts emulating the Inca and sending a bunch of settlers to the pacific islands, and now is the proud owner of 15 total cities. They’re also making a solid play for a 16th by going after the Modoc, however, I’d be a little surprised if Irataba managed to get there before Poundmaker does. Regardless of whether the Mohave add Captain Jack’s Stronghold to their growing empire or not, Mohave is in a fantastic spot, with excellent stats, great expansion opportunities and a bright future ahead of it.

46: Gokturks

JDT:

The Gokturks go up by two as they successfully quarantine the Ainu in Japan. This gives the PRs far more confidence in their ability to expand and grow in the future. As of current, they also have pretty good stats all around, including some rock solid production, though their science lags a bit behind the bunch. Nevertheless, at the pace they’re going, we may have two Turkish civs in the top 10 sooner rather than later.

47: USA

JDT:

America rises by 3 as several previous perennial members of the top 10 stagnate and fall. Their army is still monstrous and their stats are all still pretty good with room to grow, but personally I don’t find them good enough just yet. They aren’t scaling up as well as other powers and that army is currently engaged with civs they are having a little trouble getting to in order to consolidate into actual military gains. In addition, they currently have -4 happiness, meaning any gains will probably be razed down (though let's be real -4 is not that hard of a deficit to make up). When Manifest Destiny becomes true, and the pioneers start pouring into the great plains, then they’ll be an insane power, but until then, colour me confused.

48: Arapaho

Cloudy:

Arapaho fails to regain lost ground as the power rankers increasingly prefer their neighbors—and I don’t mean a specific neighbor, I mean all of them. The Cree are chewing through their weaker neighbors right now and might turn on Arapaho once those run out. Mohave and America are sitting pretty on armies which are much larger than Arapaho’s. A war against any one of these could be a net loss for Pretty Nose, and all three would be a catastrophe unprecedented so far this season. Arapaho fans just need to hope that doesn’t happen.

49: Han

Emu:

Han goes from beating Tuva to absolutely dropping the ball, losing a rank as their military score drops below the likes of Kayapo and Wiradjuri. They're at war with Ming though, and even with their dismally small military that's sure to result in at least a few cities. Between Tuva, Gokturks, and Kokang, though, it's questionable where exactly they can go after this. Still, their empire is large, and their stats good, and for that we slot them in 8th place.

50: Lithuania

JDT:

Lithuania drops to their lowest position since part 5 as they continue to stagnate. Their stats are still top tier by all metrics, including 17 cities and the largest army in the world, the big issue is that they don’t seem willing to convert that statistical advantage into anything substantive, and sitting around doing nothing is not something one can afford when surrounded by 3 other top class competitors (and plucky little Vladimir). Without some decisive action, Gediminas can quickly find his empire being outstripped and outpaced by his rivals and neighbors, and that will certainly not bode well for him.

51: Cree

Emu:

Cree is now undisputedly the strongest civ in North America (save one ranker who really likes Arapaho). The Kwakwaka'wakollapse and the Modoc cleanup are proving aggressiveness, which is an amazing sign for a civ whose main rival's capital is right on the border and also completely undefended. This is exactly the right time for them to pull off a rise like this, with America not yet far west enough to be a threat and Arapaho so weak. To top it all off, they now have the most techs outside of Kayapo, tied with Timor-Leste. All in all, things look bright for the teal and black in the frozen north.

52: Inca

Emu:

Inca continues to be the strongest and also the most boring civ in South America. You'd think colonizing Polynesia would add a little spice, but being stuck behind the Andes and the Amazon really doesn't lend itself to meaningful events happening. It doesn't help at all that South America has a very dynamic cast this time around. Don't get me wrong, their stats are killer and they'd beat anyone within 2.5 metric Kayapos in an even fight, but I really don't see as much action as I'd hope coming out of this mountain principality.

53: Afghanistan

Leman:

Afghanistan holds steady at fourth place after a fairly quiet part. Not much has changed for this central Asian behemoth. The stats are still insane, the city count is massive, the neighbors are pathetic civs and Turkey. Afghanistan remains quietly extremely impressive. Good for them.

54: Turkey

Rosay:

Turkey falls back down to a pre-science hype rank of third, when they didn't exactly have any real blunders this part. Admittedly yes losing control of the black sea to the Rus’ was quite the hiccup, but they can still shred anyone in the vicinity, barring Afghanistan. Their downfall is more due to Brandenburg finally getting their shit together and Tuva reaching a full recovery. Additionally, Turkey's stats which seemed untouchable are now equal to several of the other top tier powers. Honestly Turkey just needs that geo-political defining moment to truly be considered top tier, and if it's going to happen, it's going to happen when Turkey enters Africa. Right now, Africa really does not have a great power like the other continents do, and certainly nobody to resist the overwhelming force that is our 3rd place civ.

55: Brandenburg

Emu:

With the recent loss of confidence in Turkey, good old Brandy rises up to their fifth non-consecutive part of 2nd place, making Fred-Willy a veritable Grover Cleveland of runner-updom. We didn't see much of the perpetual Pepsi, the recurring runner-up, the serial silver medalist, the sultan of second, the invariable vice-president, the continual- okay I'll stop. We didn't see much of the Brandenburger core this part, but the stats bear out that they're right on the same track they've always been on, putting them out and away ahead of all but the twin terrors of Turkey and Tuva, who they give a solid run for their money. Things look just as bright for Brandenburg as they did going into this whole kerfuffle, and that's why we hold them in the same regard now as we did then: second most likely to win the whole pot of beans.

56: Tuva

Altima

Tuva reaches #1 again more on the back of Turkey stumbling a bit than anything else. Right now, we have a clear top three, but none of them are quite strong enough yet to truly reach #1- Tuva has solid enough stats, especially that bonkers production, but they’re still just another really strong regional power at the moment. What they really need is a good opportunity to just tear apart another one of their many relevantly powerful neighbors with their teeth like they did to Perm all those years ago. Until then, expect some flux again in the #1s.

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