Power Rankings: Episode 22 – S3

Release Date:

March 21, 2023

Narrated by:

Power-Rankers

Abstract

Power Rankings! They’re rankings of power! (But only as of the instant of the end of the previous episode, as these are not meant to be future predictions!) Power Rankings!

Viewing: Vertical

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Vermont

1 / 0

1: Vermont

Leman:

In part 0 I put Vermont in 9th place. I might have been a little bit wrong. When I played against them they had a solid settling record and a decently competent early game ai that parlayed into a powerful midgame food boost with their unique Maple bonus resource. They had a reasonable amount of space to settle in Quebec, which itself is fairly defensible.

Now, I know that my set of mods and rules isn’t the exact same set of mods and rules as CBRs, and I know that every game has outliers (see Timor-Leste and Mohave), but god damn am I disappointed in you Vermont. Like. It’s one thing to play like Greenland, who just you know, fucked up the early game, but still is trying but Vermont just like, didn’t play the god-damn game? Like there were a dozen civs that decided to just like settle two cities and chill this time, I know but Vermont was the only one I personally had high hopes for. I don’t know why? It feels like there were more civs this time around that sort of sat on two or three cities for a while. My theory is that the larger space required between cities made it harder for some ais to find good settling spots early on. (Vermont is just trash) But still! Gokturks, Timor-Leste, and Mohave all managed to come back from slow starts! They just, you know, did something afterwards

That’s an excuse for the slow settling but that’s not the start of Vermont’s absolute trash-tier play. They gave up Montpelier for literally nothing. They founded Burlington on Iceland, not in Quebec where they should have. They might have given that city up for free too. Or lost it. It was indefensible anyways. I don’t remember, and by then I was too mad at Vermont to care.

Then they died. 50th place. That’s it. For a civ that I thought was gonna be top 10. I’m upset. Vermont sucked. I’m glad they’re gone.

1: Vermont

Leman:

Then they died. 50th place. That’s it. For a civ that I thought was gonna be top 10. I’m upset. Vermont sucked. I’m glad they’re gone.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Central America

2: Central America

Cloudy:

It’s the end of the road for Francisco Morazón and his ill-fated attempt to unite the squabbling nations of Central America. Morazón started out slow and never really got going, failing to expand into areas of Mexico and the Caribbean which could easily have belonged to him. Sitting pretty on three or four cities for much of the game, he failed to take action and eventually lost it all. In a series of wars, he lost one city after another, and his capital was briefly captured by both the Muisca and the Inca. Although he remained in control of Guatemala City for another episode or so, he finally fell to a swift and effective Mohave invasion, eliminating Central America in 49th place.

RIP. You could have been so much more.

3: Khazaria

Emu

oh my god you're okay Bulan thankyouthankyouthankyou i'm so sorry i ever said anything mean about you please take me back i'm so glad you're not dead and i hope you can take down that line infantry and i'm so sorry i said your carracks weren't cool they are cool and your admiral is cool too and the caspian is a perfectly fine place to build a naval empire and youre right afghanistan shouldntve done that i'm so glad you're aliiiiiive

4: Egypt

Leman:

Wow. Egypt.

5: Massagetae

Msurdej:

Today in Massagetae news, Tomyris made peace with two countries: Tuva and Indonesia. This leaves them with 1 irrelevant war against the Maori left. This concludes the Massagetae report.

6: Cambodia

Emu

Just keep on climbing that corpsepile, comatose Cambodians. And your neighbor is kind of occupied gameruining Indonesia at the moment, so you should be fine for now.

7: Tetouan

Orange:

Tetouan holds steady in their pretty abysmal situation. Not really sure what Sayyida can do now except continue to suffer. Guess she better hope she’s a masochist.

8: Uganda

JDT: Dear Uganda. You are a goddamned waste of space. You are the equivalent of a flea hanging onto a tiny dog, which is hanging onto an even smaller dog. Your only purpose in life is to sit your ass and die for the benefit of another civ. I hope to god you die soon and painfully, because that's the only way I want you to go out, you aborted disappointment.

9: Vladimir

Altima:

OOF. Still, it’s not as bad as it could be; they still have enough of a military to survive a bit should Lithuania or Perm get spicy again in the imminent future, and three cities is better than the two or one some people have. They’re still boned, but at least they’re alive, unlike the other civ that starts with a V.

10: Castile

Rosay:

Castile has been an uninteresting rump since part one, and they continue to be an uninteresting rump. Hell both Mali and the Anglo Dutch, Castile’s two neighbors that matter for the sake of argument, are actually taking names on the world stage with Mali solidifying their Moroccan gains, and the Anglo-Dutch attempting to besiege Britain. All of this is going on around Castile, and none of it is relevant enough for them to make any kind of placement movement, up or down, pretty pathetic.

11: Kyivan Rus’

Reformer:

At this point you’re just a piñata for Turkey to poke occasionally. And you know what? Eventually the candy comes out. Even if it takes someone to help the poor Ataturk who’s swinging with a blindfold on his eyes.

12: Botswana

Reformer:

Some stray war decs came Botswana’s way towards the end of the part. If history is anything to go by, this is indication that Botswana is getting coalitioned again, and a neighbor might join that coalition again. Pray that Angola is still asleep.

13: Ming

Leman:

I was gonna ask ChatGPT to write my Ming writeup but it was down, but I’m still not doing it. Ming sucks.

14: Pandya

JDT: Dear Pandya. You are a goddamned waste of space. You are the stormtrooper to another civs Luke Skywalker. Your only purpose in life is to sit your ass and die for the benefit of another civ. I hope to god you die soon, miserably and painfully, because that's the only way I want you to go out.

15: North Korea

Leman:

The best thing to happen to North Korea is that the Gokturks decided to kill Mori and not North Korea. That's good. And that’s the nicest thing I can say about North Korea.’

16: Mori

JDT:

Good news - the Koreans are no longer invading!Bad news - The Gokturks are invading.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Rio de la Plata

17: Rio de la Plata

Altima

Rio go up two ranks as they successfully take Sao Salvador from the much stronger Inca, with Machu being well within their grasp as well. Now, these cities are completely cut off from the Incan core, with limited production ability of their own, and the Inca can’t get their mighty fleet into position to support the war; still, a mid thirties civ managing to snag a single city, much less two cities, off a top ten civ with no loss of their own is cause for celebration. It’s unlikely that this will become the start of a major turnaround for the shiny river bois, but hey, weirder things have happened.

18: Anglo-Dutch

JDT:

The Anglo-Dutch, harnessing the Anglo part of their name to its fullest extent, decide to launch an invasion of Ireland. Thus far, things have locked up in a stalemate, much like all but one of the Anglo-Dutch’s wars, but with continual commitment, this war may just go a little differently. The Irish are still licking their wounds from their prior war with Castille, and the Anglo-Dutch have near total naval and technological superiority. Could this be the start of a new era of Dutch supremacy? Time shall tell.

19: Zulu

Altima

Ceshwayo, what the fuck are you doing. You have galleasses. Those are ass. You see Kilwa, right? Your neighbor, the dumb bitch who got caught in a flipfest of a forever war Uganda? The bitch you have naval beef with? Yeah that fucker has Galleons. Proper Galleons. The basic requirement for naval conquest. They have better boats than you, and they spent a hundred parts losing to Uganda instead of building their civ. Why are you like this? Eat that -3 you dumb motherfucker. Eat it and like it.

20: Maori

Emu

This marks yet another part where the Maori completely fail to make anything of themselves. They had the best chance a civ based in New Zealand has ever had, and they completely blew it. Now they sit, waiting to die.

21: Greenland

Msurdej: Well Greenland, this could be going better. You attacked America, hoping FDR would be more focused on rebuilding Vermont, and you could swoop in and take a few cities. But it turns out, America was more than willing to fight, and now Hans finds himself on the defense. While it’s unlikely he’ll lose a city, this is definitely taking a turn for the worse.

22: Ireland

Msurdej:

Ireland continues to be in the middle of the pack, but Michael Collins is trying to change that. His war with the Anglo-Dutch will probably amount to nothing, but if he’s savvy on either the battlefield or the diplomacy table, he might just walk away with some cities. Barring that though, Ireland is just a speed bump for another civ. Probably Brandenburg.

23: Kilwa

Reformer:

A big ol’ nothing burger episode for Kilwa. It be like that sometimes. I’ll note the potential anti-Botswana coalition forming, though. If Zulu joins and starts draining their military scores, one might hope that Kilwa takes advantage of the situation and stabs Zulu in the back. Unfortunately, the likelier story is that Kilwa joins against Botswana and achieves nothing. An even likelier story is that Kilwa does nothing next part. It really do be like that sometimes.

24: Yugoslavia

Emu

Tito finally finds a true test of his strength, as he's engaged in a war where he has the initial advantage, but will get crushed long-term if he lets it go on. Either we see a contender emerge from the ashes of this war, or a civ that never really did anything gets the rumping they're due.

25: Chad

Leman:

Chad was one of the several civs that Kokang sent into opium-withdrawal in turns of reduced resistance. Unlike Indonesia, Chad only suffered 8 turns of resistance (instead of 12 and counting). Also unlike Indonesia, Chad is kinda crap to begin with so it's probably worse for my favorite African civilization. :(

26: Chile

Rosay:

Okay Chile, you have one chance to be relevant, you need to invade Rio de La Plata NOW, before they rebuild, or worse, Kayapo or somehow Inca takes it instead. If you don’t act in this one moment that you need to, you will inevitably be rumped forever.

27: Normans

Cloudy:

The Norman-Chad war has ended as expected, with no changes in territory. Which means that the long, awful wait for the Normans to conquer something continues. They should declare on Tetouan or Mali, either would be an easy win, but heaven knows they won’t do it.

(Yes, Robert, this is a dare. You hear me.)

28: Angola

EmuAngola continues to be able to take on almost any of their neighbors, yet simply does not do it. More at 8.

29: Wiradjuri

Leman:

Well, Wiradjuri peaces out with Inca, which is great. Inca was absolutely slapping the crap out of our Australian here. A nice long peace to consolidate Wiradjuri’s victory over the Maori should propel them back up the ranks. Cause stats wise Wiradjuri is right up there with the big boys. They have more production than Arapaho, more cities than Turkey, more population than Kayapo and more techs than Gokturks. Those are all great places to be! I believe in you!

30: Yemen

JDT: : Dear Yemen. You are a goddamned waste of space. You are the equivalent of a college crack addict. You got the smarts, the energy, the resources, but instead you choose to backflip off the dorm roof. And then smoke weed and drink ethanol. You were supposed to be the chosen one. The one that made Arabia work. Instead, you broke my heart. Eat shit.

31: Muisca

Reformer:

Welp, there goes Central America! That was your easy target and you needed two wars to get half of the cities you could've gotten! Now you’re surrounded by Kayapo (tryhard), America (guy who thinks getting buff will fix his depression), and Mohave (plot armor). Good luck with that buddy.

32: Bengal

Cloudy:

*Pokes Bengal*

ey motherfucker

do something

33: Kokang

Cloudy:

Kokang has the issue of being the weakest link in one of the pound for pound strongest regions in the cylinder in south east Asia. Like in Africa which is really weak this cycle, Kokang could theoretically pass for top 10, but in SE Asia, they are absolutely outclassed by Han, Timor Leste, and Indonesia. Sad thing is Kokang’s only viable way to expand is to wait for either a coalition war or one of its opponents to make a mistake, but they’re too focused on the Cambodian forever war to do so.

34: Kayapo

Rosay:

Kayapo tech and wonder stall has proved a shotty yet working strategy so far but we may be reaching the limits on how far this strategy can hold. It was fine when Turkey was the only civ rivaling Kayapo’s technological progress, but now Mohave is now in the neighborhood to directly oppose Kayapo in the near future. However, a future potential invasion of Rio de la Plata, who now shares a massive border with Kayapo, would essentially guarantee Kayapo a spot in the top ten and become the hegemon of South America. Honestly I don’t see why Kayapo just doesn’t start the invasion now, they have a significant military advantage, and nobody can viably start a two front war in Kayapo, so taking at least upper Rio is essentially free.

35: Mali

Orange:

In the words of the immortal Sundiata Keita: What the FUCK is a melee unit?

36: Lithuania

Altima:

Lithuania falls two ranks as they peace out with Perm. The Eastern War didn’t go great all told for Lithuania, but neither was it a full disaster; they still crippled Vladimir for easy later pickings, and none of their important core regions were actually threatened by Perm’s interdiction. Their stats are still perfectly functional, they just need to rebuild after attritioning a significant chunk of their military across a dozen arctic cities, and they’ll be in a solid enough position. Perm and Brandenburg remain as threats, but they have peace for now. I expect the next part to be a quiet one for them as they rebuild and prepare for their next action, whatever it may be.

37: Indonesia

Orange:

So let’s take a look at Kokang’s UA here since it’s pretty important. “When a trade deal ends, your trading partner enters anarchy per luxury lost.” Specifically the other civ enters anarchy for 2 turns for every luxury. The peace deal Indonesia made with Kokang from their last war recently finished up and Indonesia has been in anarchy for 11 turns, so that’s at least 6 luxuries. We can’t really be sure how much longer it’ll go but this is a massive setback for them, they’ve had no science this whole time. Though we will have to wait and see how much this hurts in the long run.

38: America

Cloudy:

America had an active episode this week, between their various wars and conquests. Most importantly, FDR eliminated Vermont, bringing America into the exclusive club of civs which control three capitals. But America was also active at sea, capturing Burgos from Mali and burning it to the ground, as well as fighting against Greenland in the North Atlantic. In that conflict, America has greatly superior naval technology, so the possibility that conquests could occur there too is very real. In light of all these considerations, America has earned a substantial rise in the rankings. The question is, can they keep it?

39: Arapaho

JDT: : Dear Arapaho. You are a goddamned waste of space. Your primary purpose is to be a free space for any of the other 3 prominent powers in North America. You’ve spent the past 5 parts doing nothing. Your achievements ARE NOTHING! DIE!

In all seriousness, they actually are building a military in this part. Perhaps this can foreshadow future assertiveness into the continent? Only time can tell.

40: Permians

Cloudy:

After a brief scare last episode, the Permians rise back almost to where they were before. Agent Semiramis’s intelligence proved incorrect as Tuva went and attacked Afghanistan instead, leaving the Permians unthreatened for now. I should note that Perm is also sporting some fairly advanced units, including line infantry, skirmishers, and field guns, which is more than I would expect from a civ that hasn’t really been known for its scientific prowess. Which makes it something of a shame that Azykay made peace with Lithuania before taking Suzdal’, but at least the war turned out to be a Permian victory regardless.

41: Timor-Leste

Emu

Timmy boy continues to look very menacing, and we’re all wondering what their next move is. Round 2 with Wiradjuri? An opportunistic pounce on their rivals in Indonesia during a period of anarchy? An offensive on Pandya?? KILWA??? Okay, probably not that last one, but these guys can go any direction they choose right now. Perfect top 10 material from the ultimate underdogs.

42: Han

Altima

Han holds center in the rankings as they hold center on the cylinder, presumably building up for a push against one of their neighbors. It would be Cool and Sexy if that came in the form of them letting Tuva fuck up the Ming garrison so that they could just sweep those last few mainland cities. We’ll see if Cool and Sexy is something the Han dynasty values, I suppose.

43: Inca

Emu

Inca falters so hard on land I'm almost inclined to call them the first successful Polynesian civ. They're losing land to the fallen cyan menace in the south, but they're still the strongest naval player in the Pacific. Overall a unique civ in a continent that seems to be full of unique civs this game.

44: Brandenburg

Emu

Fred-Willy is trying to force Tito to accept a nice big bottle of Brandy, but can he manage it? The tech advantage is there, but not crushing. The Alps limit the main front to five tiles. The entire Yugoslavian core is right there, while half of Brandy's is up in Scandinavia. Tito actually has an initial advantage in troops on the ground. On the other hand, Tito is outclassed in nearly every stat by a large margin. This looks like another one of those wars that won't result in any territorial changes at first, but if Fred-Willy doesn't fall for the early peace deal, he'll come out with a very appetizing chuck of Central Europe.

45: Gokturks

EmuThe mighty Gok has been by far the least active of our top 10 lately. What have they done recently, glomp Ainu? Take a couple outposts off the Cree? Kwak was a while ago at this point, and it kind of looks like, almost impossibly for a civ of this strength, the Gokturks are stuck between two stronger civs. There’s no shortage of ways out of this situation, but it’s certainly an interesting one.

46: Afghanistan

Leman:

So. Durrani. Buddy. We gotta chat. Khazaria is still, you know, alive. That’s embarrassing. You’re a top 5 civ. They have 5 workable tiles. Chop chop. I know, I know there’s only one tile to get to them from, but you gotta do better. You just gotta. Look, just like, kill Massagetae if you need a better angle. Or like sign open borders with the Permians. You just. You can’t peace out without killing them. You can’t. If you do, I’m ranking you below Chad. You don’t want that right? Chad sucks! You don’t suck. So yeah. Just kill Khazaria. Please.

47: Cree

Emu:

Cree finishes stalemating Mohave, and I have to say their chances look about as good as ever. By this point it's abundantly clear who will come out on top in the eventual war between them and Arapaho, and they've just started rolling out what I believe are the first field guns in the game. They've never not been a top 10 power, and that certainly isn't changing now. The black and blue bruisers are building a billion boy barricade to browbeat the boisterous bailiwicks from Brandenburg to Bulan.

48: Mohave

Msurdej:

When the game started, we here in the PR didn’t have the greatest belief in the Mohave. We thought their bad land and stronger neighbors would muscle them out. But it turns out, we were wrong. Not only has Irataba managed to carve out a chunk of the coastline (not to mention an exclave in Asia), but they’ve managed to take out Central America. While it might be a little overvalued, for the time being, Mohave have certainly earned a spot on the podium.

49: Tuva

Orange:

Tuva is sitting pretty with 15k military ahead of second place and a still massively strong empire. But they lose top spot because they are lagging a bit in science compared to the other top civs, 50 compared to others like Turkey at 58 and Afghanistan at 55. But they’re here with fantastic stats otherwise and that’ll only go up even more once they get their ideology.

50: Turkey

Orange:

Turkey is mostly here by chance since the rankings are so split between Turkey and Tuva (and me putting Mohave first) and while Tuva got more 1s, Turkey didn’t get anything less than 2. Turkey should really at this point mobilize their great stats to do something like attacking the Normans or going after Afghanistan or maybe something with taking out Egypt and then going for Chad. Just at least something that doesn’t make everyone think that Yemen has a chance of taking their Arabian cities.

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