Power Rankings: Episode 29 – S3

Release Date:

May 16, 2023

Narrated by:

Power-Rankers

Abstract

Power Rankings! They’re rankings of power! (But only as of the instant of the end of the previous episode, as these are not meant to be future predictions!) Power Rankings!

Viewing: Vertical

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Mori

1 / 0

1: Mori

Rosay:

As my personal Gokturk redemption arc comes to a close I will conclude that they did what a civ should ideally do: have some memorable moments, not be a complete steamroll victim, and not just sit on your thumb as your neighbors with bad starts blob indefintely. Now why do I mention that with Mori, and besides the Gokturks role in Mori's elimination completing their redemption arc for me, its actually quite simple: Mori was the common denominator in what has been referred to as the “universal stooge zone where every non Han civ sucks and is a waste of land.” Like seriously until Han decided it was time to clean house literally every civ in the area sucked pond water. Mori in particular can shoulder alot of the blame for this, because they NEVER seriously attempted to expand, despite being the greatest stooge in the region. As the number one civ in a mediocre region, it was entirely Mori's job to make that part of the cylinder interesting but they couldn't even do something as small as take parts of Korea when they were at war, and unlike other poorly spawned civs (like Timor Leste) Mori's neighbors couldn't do anything to make themselves remotely cool or interesting. Rest in piss Mori, you will be forgotten.

1: Mori

Rosay:

2: Zulu

Orange:

Well they aren’t at war with Angola or Timor-Leste, so they are basically doing great. That’s how it works right? Yeah? Let’s go with that.

3: North Korea

Orange:

North Korea remains not last! Celebration time! Woo! Really just dominating the competition here. Next stop: The top!

As you can see I’m not that good at knowing what to write for civs that are just at the very bottom but not currently at war, hopefully both of these get an errant war declaration and get knocked out so there’s no chance I have to do this again.

4: Tetouan

Rosay:

Tetouan has gone from a civ gatekeeping Mali and the Normans from north Africa, to a civ gatekeeping Mali and the Normans in Europe and from each other. Though Teto is harder to reach than Castille, thus being harder to kill, so good job Teto I guess.

5: Massagetae

Rosay:

yo I honestly thought Massagetae died like 5 parts ago and every time I rank them I without fail say “yo didn't massagetae die.” Will say though that being the most forgettable rump might be good in terms of long term survival.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Rio De La Plata

6: Rio De La Plata

Msurdej: Well Jose, you’ve gotten lucky. With Allende getting smacked around by Kayapo, Chile made peace with Rio De La Plata. Meaning of course, that Jose stays alive for another episode. While they will probably remain a meager city state, they get to sit around and play more FF XIV.

7: Castille

Altima

John Langdon-Hughes summarized Castile better than I could with, “What we have here is a civ that died of inaction 29 parts ago. If part zero is the beginning, of no civ is it more true to say their beginning was also their end. From the day this run started, they were merely waiting for the end.” Sure, if they were to declare on Tetouan now, they might at least go out with a particularly miserable snipe under their belt, but even that would be a mere whimper of activity against eons of silence. And hell, “If they were to declare on Tetouan they might accomplish something,” has been the story of their life for a very long while now; maybe we’ll make it their epitaph when their body finally catches up to their potential.

8: Cambodia

JDT:

You are not Cambodian! You are a Laotian in a dress!

9: Kyivan Rus’

Leman:

Kyivan Rus is kind of the strongest city state around? I think? I didn’t check their stats, but now I kind of want to like put all of them on like a tiny donut map and recreate their stats as best as possible and see who’d win that battle royale. I think it’d be KR.

10: Uganda

Altima

Uganda is a civ that exists. It has two cities. Those cities are in rough terrain. They have a full carpet. That carpet doesn’t matter and will die before a stiff wind. This is Uganda. This has been Uganda for a while. This will be Uganda for a while. But hey, they’ve made it to 31.

11: Indonesia

Altima

Man, remember when Indonesia was a contenda’, when a part where they don’t do anything was notable? Surhoto remembers, and cries.

12: Wiradjuri

Emu

The seven year winning streak of the Eastern Australian civs finally comes to an end! Timor troops crash into Outback cities, and while a solid defensive line was set up and a counterattack attempted near the end of the episode, the bane of the Maori now controls only the barest strip of land on the (admittedly rich) eastern coast of the continent, plus their conquests in Polynesia. It's not looking great for Windradyne, and while he may be able to avoid a full elimination here, the yellow beast down under will never again be counted among the great powers of the Cylinder.

13: Chile

Msurdej: Well Salvador, you’ve gotten unlucky. Kayapo has decided to go on the warpath, moving south into your territory. Already three cities have fallen, and it is likely that Allende could lose all access to the Atlantic. While it remains to be seen if Kayapo can break through the Andes,

14: Kilwa

Emu

You know, it's almost funny in a cosmic sort of way that Kilwa has done absolutely nothing. We all voted them in because of their reputation for insane moves, and now look where we are. The only thing they can really do at this point is make Yemen interesting. Oh no wait, they could also fall to Timor. How exciting.

15: Ireland

JDT:

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16: Greenland

Cloudy:

Just checking in, Greenland is still here.

17: Anglo-Dutch

Cloudy:

The Anglo-Dutch are facing a war with Yugoslavia, but while a few units are sneaking through, William is hardly in danger, thanks to Brandenburg’s well-placed citadel. All and all, the Anglo-Dutch are still looking fairly lively, which continues to be a surprise, albeit a pleasant one. May they live long and prosper.

18: Yugoslavia

Cloudy:

Yugoslavia dropped the ball. After reaching the gates of Berlin in episode 28, this week Tito found himself on the back foot, lost Konigsburg, and then blundered into a ridiculous peace treaty, giving back Potsdam and ceding Messina, turning the war into a net loss of one city, even though Yugoslavia won on the battlefield. The sheer incompetence of this maneuver, and Yugoslavia’s resulting weakness, might not have fully sunk in, because a three rank drop probably does not adequately reflect the tenuousness of their new position.

19: Chad

Orange:

Chad’s lands are just, really really empty. They have units up in the north, but they are behind in tech and sparse. This is not the empire of a truly chad winner, Chad’s really more of a virgin Chad. Chad really needs to gather troops and either attack the Normans or attack Angola. If they can pull one of those chad plays off then they can reclaim the title of being the chad Chad. Chad doesn’t feel like a word anymore.

20: Muisca

Emu

Oh Muisca, whatever will we do with you? Your time has come and gone, and now you sit, waiting to die like an elderly Klingon. You haven't even focused your navy, so you can't go and take advantage of a weak Europe. You're thicker on the ground that your southern neighbors, I guess? Not that it'll save you when Raoni the Gluttonous or Tupac the Seafarer come knocking.

21: Normans

Cloudy:

The Normans fall back to 20th this week after briefly losing Capua to Tetouan, a truly embarrassing setback. Overall, though, we’re also considering their long-term prospects, which are increasingly grim, as Robert Guiscard constantly appears to be farther and farther behind the leaders in terms of technology. Turkey would easily rip through their eastern cities, and Mali would probably defeat them as well. Definitely something to worry about.

22: Yemen

Orange:

Alright so Yemen has a fairly terrifying fleet, and big ol Afghanistan has basically nothing. I’ve been wanting this for a part or two now, but by the goddess it would be absolutely glorious to see Yemen owning the entire Arabian Sea coast. Salivating at the thought mmmmmmm.

23: America

Rosay:

America's history is just tragic man. Like they have been relatively competent this whole game and have been a sleeper to get second in north america, but bad luck after weird war after depression, after being locked down into the east coast of North America, the US has just gotten a universal short end of the stick, with the Arapaho war being the worst of it. As bad as this may be, its not entirely a doomsday scenario given that the appalachians provide some small amount of protection to either perform a peace deal cheese, or better yet, let Arapaho waste its military until Cree or Mohave get involved and maybe swipea city or two, and Arapaho isn't exactly a hyper competent war civ so a comeback is possible. Regardless this is just another big oof for America.

24: Bengal

Emu

Bengal might actually have a shot at Afghanistan at the moment. Hear me out here. Their army is at about the same size as Afghanistan's, their frontline troops look more advanced and more concentrated, and the naval situation doesn't look bad either. True, Afghanistan has more planes, but not overwhelmingly so. This isn't a window of opportunity that I think will last terribly long, so Bengal wil have to get in and out within the next couple parts. Barring that, they'll forever be an unremarkable mid-tier.

25: Gokturks

Leman:

While Gokturks looked really strong this part, snagging three full cities from the Mori, Mohave’s two turn annihilation of the Mori from a continent over, not only killsniped Gokturks but also really showed how much of a gap there is between Gokturks and the top-tiers of the game. It’s very clear that Gokturks have not recovered from the ass-kicking they received from the Han and are really going to have to play more actively and intelligently to get back to a place of power. Maybe now would be a good time to take revenge on the Han while Kokang is handily beating them?

26: Angola

Cloudy:

For a second we were like, “Maybe Angola is cool,” but then we changed our minds. Granted, we have no plans to drop them as low as they were as recently as episode 26, but we definitely overreacted to Angola smooshing Botswana. Fundamentally, they still just aren’t that good.

27: Lithuania

Msurdej:

Another part for Lithuania, but this time, Gediminas is trying something bold. You’d think the war with Massagetae was doomed to go nowhere, but Gediminas isn’t about to sit quiet. An army marches on Asir, looking to make an enclave. With Lithuanian tanks, rifles, and artillery going up against crossbows, muskets, and wooden ships, the war looks to be in their favor. But Lithuania must be cautious as well. Brandenburg is no longer distracted by Yugoslavia, and could march east against them. And Lithuania murdering another civilization could make for good casus belli...

28: Mali

Leman:

Angola looked to have overtaken Mali with the former’s conquest of Botswana, but after a part of inactivity and a quick glance at the stats, its pretty clear that Mali is still the stronger of the two. Mali actually has more cities, population, tech, effective science, and military than Angola – only losing out on Production. So naturally, we had to flip-flop the two.

29: Cree

JDT:

The Cree rise by five as we realized that despite getting pounded by the Arapaho and losing 6 cities… their stats are still surprisingly good. They actually have more soldiers than the Arapaho and still have serviceable production and science. This has been enough to rebound their position by 5, but is it enough to win? Maybe not, given that they are surrounded by powers equal or greater than them. But perhaps, with an opportune backstab on the Arapaho… or a good war on the Gokturks…

30: Afghanistan

Emu

Despite good stats, Afghanistan is looking pretty weak on the ground at the moment. So it goes with them. Their considerable border with Turkey is concerning, and while their lack of troops and general action have always been a problem, never is it so pressing as in this era when empires can fall within an episode. They're just plain not ready for war, and if they don't get ready before their neighbors get wise, that'll be a huge problem.

31: Han

Msurdej:

Wu nearly tumbles out of the top ten as a war with Kokang goes disastrously. Already three cities have fallen to Olive Yang, and Kokang still has the advantage in manpower. The only saving graces are that while Kokang is rocking the coast, Han is holding the mountains slightly better. And above all, Wu’s aerial defenses, using fighters and bombers to hold the line. But Wu still has a lot of catch up to do if they want to win.

32: Brandenburg

Altima

Welp, that was an underwhelming and undeserved W for a civ that deserved nothing but an L. Despite being on the backfoot for most of that war once the rest of the Coalition left, Brandenburg peaces out with all their core holdings and a pity cap, because despite how irrelevant their navy is and will always be, it’s big enough to inflate their military score for the peace talks. Ultimately, Messina isn’t a relevant gain and is utterly indefensible should war break out with either Turkey or Yugoslavia again, but either way Brandenbug doesn’t deserve it. Bah. At the end of the day, they’re still a pile of respectable stats going nowhere and accomplishing nothing. Nothing’s terribly likely to kill them, so back to the top ten they go.

33: Kokang

Altima

Kokang calls the Han bluff, marching straight in to punish their overly-aggressive war declaration and under-aggressive military investments. It remains to be seen how this war will go- the Han do have a history of pulling W’s out of their asses from awkward starts- but as it stands, it looks like Kokang is set to break that history right here, right now, as their tanks clash against Han Ulhans and Landships. History disinclines me to make brash assumptions about who will win this war in the end and how it decisive a win it will be, but right now, Snowflame seems to be our war god of the day.

34: Kayapo

Emu

Kayapo conclusively destroys any doubt that they deserve a place among the great powers of the Cylinder. They're now in control of fully a third of the South American continent, and with Chilean resistance drying up, that number is only growing. As their former science prowess fades into merely average for a top 5 power, the new cities in the south growing to the same extent as Kremoro is just what Raoni needs to stay a cut above the rest. Luckily, they have absolutely zero credible rivals on land, so they have all the time in the world before they have to face another great power.

35: Inca

Emu

Inca appears a bit stuck at the moment. They're undoubtedly a great power, but due to their relative lack of action recently, they appear to not really be too dominant anywhere. The comeback kings in Timor outclass them in the Pacific, and at home Kayapo has the advantage. They do have other, weaker neighbors to go after, but the world is closing in around everyone at this stage in the game. Tick tock, Tupac.

36: Arapaho

Leman:

Apparently Pretty Nose was done dumpstering the Cree and decided it was America’s turn to get knocked down a peg. The war has started with a bang with Arapaho grabbing Chicago and Apopka almost immediately. However, we aren’t quite sure how much more conquest Arapaho is going to be able to do. Arapaho has next to no navy, and overall, less military than the Americans, meaning flipping the Eastern Seaboard is going to be rough. That being said, this is going to be way worse for America, whose cities are about to be flipped to oblivion, as he’s got nothing to stop Arapaho’s land army. All in all, things are looking good for Arapaho.

37: Tuva

JDT:

Tuva falters a rank as other powers appear to eclipse them in brightness. They still have a lot going for them. Barring Turkey, whos kinda hemmed in by the Urals, they have some of the most vulnerable rivals by the block. They are the global juggernaut of industry. They have an insane amount of cities. The big issue is that their tech, relative to other superpowers, is stagnant. When the world is currently in a nuclear arms race, Tuva appears to be stagnating in development of future arms, and their army, while strong, isn’t exactly the most modern. Given that the Turks can knock up their door at any given moment, alongside how contentious the nature of the top spots are, they need to start making moves soon to impress us judges.

38: Mohave

JDT:

The Mohave rise by two as it becomes clear that they are very firmly the worlds third great power. Their military might is bested only by Turkey, they still have the capability of projecting power easily against anyone in the pacific, they have the ability to set North America on fire. In fact, they have just beat the Turks and Timorese in the technological race. Hell, this part, they up and proved their dominance by wiping Mori in a single part! If the Mohave ever grow the balls to attack a major power, I will tell you - there will come a pounding. There will come a blasting. The only powers nearby who can stand up to Mohave nukes would, I wager, be Timor and maybe the Inca. Once again, the ball is in their court, just need to slam it.

39: Timor-Leste

Orange:

Timor-Beste continues to push back the Wiradjuri in their fantastic display of dominance, even taking Bungambrawatha for a bit. T-L still has 71 happiness and plenty of units to keep going all the way, the only reason they might not take the top spot soon is if they peace out early, but for now they are dominating and look to take the entire island continent. Glory to the Timor-Beste Empire! (Ignore that the government’s say its the East Timorese Republic)

40: Turkey

Leman:

Ataturk stays on top for another part, still riding the high off of his brutal demolition of the Permians. Turkey has become the first civ to hit a million standing troops this part, an absolutely insane statistic. The rest of their stats are excellent as well. Turkey is top five in every other major stat and looking absolutely terrifying. They have no threatening neighbors – Turkey could easily crush Chad, Lithuania, Normans, Yemen, Yugoslavia, Afghanistan and even Tuva. Turkey’s military is twelve (!!) times the size of Tuva’s military and they have a thirteen (!!) tech lead on them. Honestly, its wild how dominant Turkey is right now, and unless Timor-Leste annexes all of Wiradjuri next part, I expect to stay this way for a minute.

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