Power Rankings: Episode 30 – S3

Altima

Pour one out to someone who actually tried. Tomyris may have spent the past several parts as a post-ganked runt, devoid of hope, future, or faith, but she became such after actually building something of an empire, after actually trying to stand among the myriad monsters of the Asian steppes. It was only after getting ganked by two real giants that she fell into that rut; and even then, they sniped a few exclaves here and there. There’s another world out there where they managed to ride the tides of chaos to become our actual Good Steppe civ this run, but alas for Tomy girl, it ain’t this world.

Leman:

It looks more or less over for the Irish. The Anglo-Dutch probably need a turn or two to get their fleet up here and finish the job but besides a timely peace treaty, Ireland is done for. This isn’t quite a eulogy, though, so I’m gonna dump on Ireland. I ranked them 57th in part 0 and while you might look at that and think “wow, Ireland overperformed,” I’d argue that getting killed off by Anglo-fucking-Dutch, after they gave up Amsterdam to the Normans for no reason, is almost more pathetic than finishing 57th. Ireland spent the entire game doing next to nothing, failing not only to settle the British Isles, but not even settling all of Ireland. The following civs have had cities on the British Isles at some point: America, (who isn’t even on Europe), Mali, (somehow), Brandenburg, Greenland, and Anglo-Dutch. Maybe if at some point had Ireland bothered to settle its home archipelago, I’d give Ireland props for having a decent run, but they didn’t do that and they sucked, and I’m happy Anglo-Dutch is killing them because at least they try.

Leman:

Massagetae getting killed by Lithuania proves to Tetouan that with enough hard work, gumption, and determination, someone random can kill Tetouan too.

Orange:

Climbing once more, this must be because of Kim Il-Sung’s incredible playmaking. Good job again supreme leader!

Leman:

Four ranks for Zulu. That’s a lot of ranks. It’s actually the largest rise this part from any civ. And I don’t know why.

Emu

High in the mountains, a disgraced giant sits and watches as the great Kayapo tide washes over the Southern Cone, strangely grateful that the advanced people from the north who had taken almost all of his empire a scant few decades ago had swept in to stop Allende's popular incursion before it was too late. This was supposed to be the fate he'd consign Allende to, and for so long after that opportunistic settle, it looked like the situation would be reversed. Now it looks as if he might even outlast his old enemy. A gin-soaked tear rolls down his face.

Atima

Fun facts about the Kyivan Rus! Their national anthem is an orchestral cover of Ralph Wiggum saying, “I’m in danger!” repeated for two hours. Ornithophobia is their most common fear! Their cannons and muskets aren’t actually for combat use, but for use as a primitive air raid siren network!

Leman:

Wow, would you look at that. Australia is red, not yellow. Wiradjuri has (almost) entirely been kicked out of their home continent. That’s a first for CBR, usually whoever starts on the southeast corner of Australia unites the continent and rides fortress Australia to a top ten finish, but this time around Timor-Leste has broken that trend! Wiradjuri is exiled to New Zealand and honestly, is only surviving on the former 61st place civ’s good will.

I do want to quickly point out that for about half a part, I think Wiradjuri did have a pretty decent defense. Their eastern front collapsed quickly while all of Wiradjuri’s military were killing off Maori, but when they rallied their forces, Wiradjrui were able to hold Timor-Leste in the middle of the continent for a surprisingly long time. However, I think the damage was already done and once Timor-Leste had half the continent as a foothold it was only a matter of time until Wiradjuri was exiled from it.

Emu

I honestly completely forget whether Castile is at war with Tetouan or not. Not that it really matters.

Orange:

CAMBODIA IS NOW IN THE TOP 30! I REPEAT, CAMBODIA IS NOW IN THE TOP 30! NEXT STOP: SUPERPOWER STATUS!

Leman:

What are the odds Uganda declares war on Chad and grabs a piece? None? I agree.

Altima

Well this isn’t going well. All territory on the Eastern coast is either gone or in active danger, and several cities on the West coast are in threat of flipfest owing to Kayapan bombardment. Now, the Chilean navy can probably safely keep that flipfest going longer than Kayapo is interested in continuing hostilities, but that’s still a bad place to be. Best case scenario, they hold out long enough to take a treaty that costs them everything east of the tip of South America. Worst case, the Inca join in, and suddenly things get really bad.

Emu

I completely forgot that Indonesia had three cities instead of just one. They're not bad cities either, with an advanced land force to boot. They could take Semarang and Pnom Penh if they wanted, but that's really it. I'd say even Midnapore is out of reach now.

Orange:

The chad Angola about to take Chad’s capital vs the Virgin Chad dying and about to lose their capital. That is all.

Orange:

Kilwa stands as the line between the midtiers and the dying/rump civs. Above them stands the civs that are doing okayish, that don’t have a chance but aren’t dying and probably could last at least a part if attacked. While the ones below definitely can die in a single part or are currently dying. I’m not sure which side of the line Kilwa itself lies on, though it’s likely the worse one (but I’d prefer Yemen to attack Afghanistan).

Emu

It's okay, Hans. If you stay very, VERY still...... they might not notice you. Really though, Greenland feels like an x1 civ. Timor please come and take some cities off them so the islands can be interesting.

Emu

Yugoslavia sits in their little hole they put themselves in after completely fumbling their northern conquests. They still appear to lack planes, and here they sit trading peacekeepers with their old enemy rather than trying to salvage something, anything from their situation. Not an attack on the Normans, not so much as a stab at Kyiv. Tito had his chance, and now it's gone. The door is now shut on mid-tier powers like him.

Msurdej:  In a shocking display of competency, William III has managed to bring war to Ireland. Dublin is his, and Collins is on the run. While the Anglo Dutch army continues to march northward to Galway and Batlimore, there seems to be no move by any of their neighbors against them. While they probably won’t win, this is an impressive move from a civ that started at 60th place.

Cloudy:

Where do I even begin with America? Well, it’s a mixed bag, but more negative than positive. FDR put up an impressive resistance, forcing the Arapaho to fight hard for every city they took, but at the end of the day, America has seen multiple major cities reduced to rubble and Arapaho tanks are at the gates of Washington. America’s main remaining strength is its navy, but the majority of the ships have yet to get involved. All in all, if America somehow made peace right this instant, they’d be mostly intact, if wounded, but if they let the war go on much longer, I personally think they’re done for.

Leman:

More like Snoremans am I right, guys? Guys?

In seriousness, Normans are in a really awkward spot. They’ve got a good city count, a usable production score, and a few weak enemies they can take advantage of (Yugoslavia, Chad, whatever is going on in Iberia, Anglo-Dutch). However, they’re also technologically backwards – they have fewer techs than just about every civ, except rump states, civs that are actively dying, Greenland and Kilwa. It’s atrocious. And then there a few brick fucking walls that I can’t see Normans ever really defeating, like Brandenburg, Turkey, and Angola. It feels like I’d sell Normans a little short if I described them as a civ waiting to get eaten by the bigger players, but also I think Normans is a civ that’s just waiting to get eaten by the bigger players.

Msurdej:  As other civs crumble, Muisca continues to coast by and wait. While it’s likely they will remain that way until their death, they could take a few of the undefended islands from America like Cleveland. But I doubt Nemequene would be that exciting and do something to progress the game at this point.

Leman:

Yemen is great. Their cities are huge despite most of their land being useless desert – thanks 135 trade routes and crazy broken unique building. Thanks to that, their population is huge, they have great science, are never going broke and have a decently large army. They also have -31 happiness, a neighbor with 10x as much military, and next to no production. That’s okay, their geography makes them pretty  hard to kill and there are still a bunch of nerds in Africa Yemen can pick on to claw itself back into the game. I have high hopes.

Msurdej:  I think Homusubi said it best in this part. The Gokturks are in every way a worse Tuva. Statwise, the only thing Bumin has over Donduk is population, and only slightly.

Emu

Bengal is the new Yemen. They have here the opportunity to strike at a large, empty neighbor, and they're just not going for it. My guess is that the AI sees the stats and has decided that it would be virtual suicide. Their stats are very good for such a small empire, too, with advanced military tech and large and prosperous cities aplenty. All the while, they continue to build up a navy that does nothiing except let a man walk from Tirunelveli to Patna without getting his feet wet. Come on, we want an Indian Ocean naval power that isn't Timor! Don't just wait until Yang comes knocking!

Altima

Lithuania ate the Massagetae. Neat. It’ll be really funny if that elimination penalty gets them in a war against the Turks.

Orange:

Mali continues to hover in the teens as their stats put them on top in Africa but their empire continues to look like it doesn’t at all deserve that. Anyways, Mali’s chance to do something is literally right now as their two main neighbors are in a death battle and if Sundiata declares war he’s sure to come out on top. Letting Angola take everything will once more relegate Mali to the footnotes of Africa.

Emu

Cree is kind of a strange civ in general at this point. They're in the role Perm occupied a dozen or so parts ago, not top dog anymore, but still powerful for sure. I'd call a second war with Arapaho in their favor right now, same with Gokturks. I'd go as far as to say the fate of this entire region hinges on what they do right now. They're right in that middle spot where it's hard to say anything definitive about their future chances.

Cloudy:

After suddenly waking up a couple weeks ago to kill Botswana, Angola thankfully stayed awake, and now they’re on the warpath once again, this time against Chad. Angolan forces have Chad’s capital surrounded and it should fall as soon as they find a melee unit; elsewhere, other Chadian cities are falling one by one, including their Saharan exclave, which was taken by Angola’s Saharan exclave. All around, Angola stands to gain a lot, and that’s a good sign that they might become the major power Africa has needed, even if belatedly.

Emu

It seems Brandenburg is doing the most interesting thing they really could've: kind of sucking. We'd all assumed that Europe was basically speaking German from the start, but the general ineffectiveness of the dual-named king has left plenty of room for a chaotic Europe with no clear great power arising to rule the continent. After their loss to Yugoslavia (even if they didn't end up losing any cities thanks to AI stupidity), it's clear there will be no great conquests arising from this part of the map.

Altima

Afghanistan didn’t do anything this week. They’ve still got aight stats and enough weak neighbors to work with, but they show no signs of any ambition to do something with those stats, to those neighbors. I’m not calling them Turk food yet, but I will note that the Turks have almost six times the military score they do. We’ll see if any of this amounts to anything or if they just have another nothing part, I suppose.

Emu

Kokang peaces out with modest gains before Han can bring their superior stats to bear. This leaves them in overall a very strong position. They could at least stalemate any future Han war, and they look decidedly stronger than Bengal. Their only real worry is their navy. Even though they turned back the Mohave fleet, Timor is directly to their south and has proven they can successfully amphibiously invade anyone close to them. All in all, they're the quintessential power that will surely make it to Total War, but from that point their success is heavily in question.

Cloudy:

After a brief but damaging war against Kokang, Han made peace with a net loss of 3 cities. That’s a much better outcome than some of us were expecting, considering that Kokang actually took 5 cities, but in the end Han managed to flip one back and take a Kokang city before making peace. Still, questions remain about Han’s ability to overcome its neighbors and regain its status as a top contender. Their best option right now might be to lick their wounds for a bit, build up more troops, and finish off the Gokturks.

Msurdej:  While still a contentious civ to rank (this part had ranks between 3 and 15), Kayapo had another good part. Taking three cities off Chile, Raoni has also brought many of the southern cities on the Pacific side of Chile down in health. The real trouble now for Kayapo will be sending a fleet around Cape Horn, and finishing off Allende once and for all.

Leman:

As Kayapo’s slow and steady conquest of Chile continues, and Timor-Leste devours Wiradjuri, Inca watches. On either side of the Pacific, empires are consolidating and it feels like both Kayapo and Timor-Leste are slowly out-pacing the Inca. But then we go to the stats sheet and remember that Inca has like 28 cities the Pacific that are pumping out science and production. That navy is still horrifying and they still are a major, major power. If only they’d use that navy. Maybe go after one of those collapsing powers?

Cloudy:

Tuva is slipping. Their lands look empty and weak next to Turkey’s legions of tanks and modern armor, while all their other borders look equally undermanned. Tuva can’t drop very far, considering their immense size and great stats, but I can’t help but feel that if Ataturk wanted to do to them what he did to the Permians, he would be able to do so pretty easily.

But hey, at least Tuva was able to build like 11 citadels on the border with the Gokturks, that’s got to be worth something I guess.

Cloudy:

Mohave’s window of opportunity may be coming to an end, as Arapaho demonstrates its strength, and their stats, while high, begin to lose their advantage versus other top civs. Mohave could still crush many of its neighbors, especially given their large number of nukes, but they need to do so soon or Arapaho will outstrip them. And no, killing Mori in episode 29 wasn’t enough; they practically did that in their sleep.

Msurdej:  Pretty Nose’s empire continues to grow as her war against America is going as well as expected. FDR is being pushed back into the sea, barely holding onto their capital with their B-17s. While Pretty Nose only picked up a single city this turn, they still have enough of an army to grind down America’s core, and hold off enough of a vanguard if the Cree of Mohave hit them. All in all, a solid episode for the premier power in North America.

Leman:

Well, Timor-Leste crushed Wiradjuri and united Australia, taking the top spot from Turkey. That being said, I’ll leak that it was very, very close. Turkey’s stats are still devastating, their neighbors are all nerds, and Turkey is still absolutely dominant in its region. Things are just moving fast. Turkey’s gonna need another conquest to get back on top, but honestly, if Ataturk just wanted to chill and build nukes, I think he’ll be just fine.

Emu

Xanana makes like Grover Cleveland and whips Turkey on two non-consecutive occasions. The storming of Australia by the former runt of the rankings has given confidence that not only do they have the ability to break out of the region, but that they can wipe major powers out in the space of a couple parts just like Turkey, and they don't even need a coalition to do it. Statistically speaking, they're no slouch either. Even though Ataturk's all-consuming atomic agglomeration means Timor can't even come close to their ludicrous military score, they match blow for blow in every other category. Their crown may yet be taken away upon a bold move by Turkey like last time, but their position as chief naval power in the Pacific is at this point totally unimpeachable. There's been a lot of dispute at PRHQ over whether the top spot rightfully belongs to them or Turkey in recent weeks, but I for one have confidence that our stonk market fortunemakers will carry the Cylinder like it were a can of spraypaint and CBR history was the house of that one guy who wouldn't stop playing a phone game at max volume on public transit.