Civ Battle Royale June 19, 2023
Power-Rankers
Power Rankings! They’re rankings of power! (But only as of the instant of the end of the previous episode, as these are not meant to be future predictions!) Power Rankings!
Atima:
Thus dies Kilwa, a civ left rotting for millennia after a terrible forever war with Uganda stunted any forward momentum either had far too early for them to get anything off the ground. They suffered so terribly that even the Zulu, another terrible no-good-very-bad civ got to Madagascar before them. Maybe if Uganda hadn’t decided to drag both of them to hell, maybe if they had settled more beforehand, maybe, maybe, maybe. At the end of the day, Kilwa just wasn’t a good civ.
Cloudy:
It’s an ignominious end in 29th place for the Wiradjuri, a civ which once spanned the continent of Australia. After out-settling the Yolngu early in the game, the Wiradjuri seemed set to dominate the continent, but Timor-Leste gained a foothold which they never expelled. That failure came back to haunt them as multiple wars against the Inca and Timor eroded their borders, until at last, Xanana Gusmão completely conquered the entirety of Australia in one shocking campaign, like a modern era Alexander. Even as this was occurring, the Wiradjuri rolled over and crushed the Maori, scoring an elimination of their own, but those lands only became their prison as they waited for the end. When the Inca eventually delivered it, it came swiftly, solidifying the Wiradjuri and the Yolngu as the worst performing Australian duo in CBR history.
Leman:
It’s always sad to see a former top 10 mainstay relegated to the “I only rose cause better civs died” club.
Reformer:
Nothing really happened near Uganda this part. Angola is off fighting (and nuking) the Normans, but that’s about it for action even close to the poor civ. Excited to see them wiped out when total war comes knocking!
Emu:
Indonesia is kind of a sad story, really. There was nothing wrong with them in particular, but they kind of had to die for Timor's majesty to bloom into the terrifying empire we see today. All in all, they'll go down as nothing more than a side character in this great epic of kings and blood. They didn't even get the dignity of getting dramatically swept aside to the sub, instead kept as a rump in some of their worse cities, still on par with their neighbors at first but falling farther and farther behind as their retirement wears on. Civs are like Klingons, an old one is not a happy one.
Altima:
Well, Chad had one last chance to maybe pull some bullshit against a mostly-empty Angola. It would probably have gotten them killed, but it would have been their last chance. Now, even that much is gone, burned to a crisp alongside millions of Normans, the border now militarized by the soldiers marching into North Africa. Well, it was a snowflake’s chance anyway, I suppose. Not much has actually changed for the weakest Chads, and so their rank stays stagnant.
Orange:
Poundmaker is facing Arapaho round 2 electric boogaloo and oh boy is it not looking like it’ll end well. Like not gonna lie the Cree are fucked three ways to sunday and while they will likely last through this next year it’s only a matter of time at this point. Please
Orange:
This was an incredible part with the Normans, not for the Normans, but with them. Because their dismantling at the hands of the Yugoslavs and Angolans is just a beautiful sight. Like it’s so good. Who could’ve guessed that Yugoslavia would take the Normans down after getting beat up so much, orchestrating a destruction with Angola that just completely takes the Normans out of the running. They aren’t getting out of this one…
Leman:
Yugoslavia is going down in history as one of the scrappiest, most tenacious, and overall, most fun civs in CBR history. Imagine being knocked down to two cities, just to embarrass a struggling mid-tier with thirteen more cities than you by nuking them to pieces and flipping their capital. Insane. I’m fully a Yugoslavia supporter now. Go Tito.
Cloudy:
Sightings have confirmed that Castile still exists.
JDT:
I’m ecstatic that I got a civ that did nothing for one of my writeups, because I’m leaving very early tomorrow morning and need to catch some zeds.
Leman:
The good news in Greenland is that it’s the only North American civ that doesn’t share a long border with Arapaho, so Pretty Nose probably won’t be able to just erase the civ. The bad news is, just about everything else. Brandenburg’s unethically large navy is looming, Greenland’s stats are trash, they are completely broke, they have no science, and they’re stuck on 79 techs. That’s the fewest tech of any living civ besides Castile, who has completely given up, and Uganda, who hasn’t had a third civ since the Classical Era. Greenland’s now relying on its remoteness to keep them safe really. Not a great strategy, if I’m being honest, but it warrants a few spots in the ranks this week.
Msurdej:
Hey, guess who became a monarcho-socialist society?
The GokturksGuess who’s out of money? Also the Gokturks
Orange:
My orange colored bois are continuing to slowly climb the ranks as they stay steady and others fall around them. Honestly, there are still a lot of ways A-D can grow from here: They are pretty similar in army size to America while having more production and just edging ahead in tech, taking them on would be a great boon and secure Western Europe while potentially allowing for a colony in North America. There’s also Greenland worse in tech and production by a bit more but having more troops, also a strong choice to go after to give A-D their monopoly on the North Atlantic and prevent Brandenburg from furthering their encirclement.
Cloudy:
With Kayapo destroyed but now at peace, the window during which the Muisca might be able to attack someone has expanded. It’s hard to say how well they would do against a civ whose units are so much more advanced, but it’s hard to imagine they would lose. On that faint sign of hope, Muisca rises to 16th, the highest they’ve ever been.
They’d better watch out for the Inca, though.
Orange:
Kayapo certainly got lucky getting a quick peace deal with the Incans because they got destroyed, I’ve been saying this for ages that this would happen. They fight the Inca once that’s not purely just the jungle border and oop, completely crumbling. Who could’ve seen this coming? It’s me, I could. Get rekted Kayapo
Leman:
It’s kind of hard to come up with stuff to say about Bengal. They were my favorite civ going into the game, and while I really expected better, 14th place this late into the game. While their stats are still middling, Bengal seems to be militarizing, they now have more troops than Afghanistan! Only by 2000, but still. They’re somewhat above average technologically, their economy is still positive, there could be time for a comeback yet!
Leman:
After getting beat down by Mohave, Kokang had a quiet part. Saungkang was refounded, peace was made, and things returned to normal for Kokang. After this, honestly, kind of disastrous war, I’m not super optimistic about Kokang’s future. But I do think the way forward is pretty clear. Hope Timor-Leste doesn’t kill you anytime soon, while teching up, because you’re one of like 8 civs with a positive GPT. Then, after completing the tech tree, use your Nexuses and GDR to kill Han’s Mobile SAMs or whatever, and go from there. It’s gonna require a lot of luck, but, hey, at least it’s a plan.
Altima:
Yemen’s rank rises twofold on the backs of modest success against Kilwa (put a pin in that) and the collapse of others, principally Kayapo. They’ve got pretty good tech and food, they’re expanding, all’s good, right? Well, Yemen just eliminated a civ, and their closest neighbor is the Turks. It is generally not great for one’s life expectancy to get “genocide penalties” while neighboring the Turks. Ask the Lithuanians. Or the Permians. Or the Egyptians. Now, unlike those chumps, Yemen would probably survive the Bad Times there entailed; they have enough naval assets and African cities that the Turks wouldn’t be able to stomp them out in one go without some weird shit happening. But losing their homeland would still be a bad time. Just something to consider; they may be ranked 12, but that doesn’t mean as much as it used to.
JDT:
Though Mali remains stable, this really doesn’t underscore that this was a pretty good part for them. Instead of doing the obvious and attacking Angola or the Normans, Sudieta Keita decided to try doing that one EU4 achievement, invading the Kayapo and coming out on top. Sure, he only got one city in South America, but with the Kayapo still vulnerable, he has a pretty good base of operations for future colonial ventures and has shown the gonzo to go on the offensive, a much-needed trait in today's cylinder.
Emu:
Afghanistan is probably the civ I hate most at this point. Just a big boring void taking up a bunch of territory that could be better used by other more interesting and all around better civs. Fuck man. Do SOMETHING.
Reformer:Savimbi has gone off the deep end, being likely the ruler launching most of the nukes which devastated the Norman lands this part. Though the war looked like it could be an embarrassment to the greatest African power, Angola eventually turned the war around, and stands to gain a sizable portion of land from the Norman collapse. Still, I would continue the policy of buffer states to avoid directly bordering Turkey here - it could mean the difference between a top 20 final ranking and a top 10 final ranking.
Msurdej: Being a top 10 power aint what it used to be. Sure Tuva has a strong carpet, but they are losing money and broke, meaning cuts to production and science. Sure they could move against the Gokturks, but a grinding war could give one of their other neighbors an opportunity to strike. Watching, waiting, and fixing the money issues might be the best move for Donduk now.
JDT:
Brandenburg rises by one as they come out on top of both the Lithuanian war and second Yugoslav conflict. Though the Yugoslavs are of course refusing to die by murdering the Normans in a desperate bid to survive, it does show one good thing - Brandenburg finally figured out how to fight wars good. However, this may be for naught because currently, they are making -2447 gold per turn and have run out of money in the treasury. This has given noticeable cuts to their production, and neutered their science output to low-mid-tier civ levels. Should they fail to repair their economic situation soon, trouble may brew for the Prussian Eagle as they spiral into irrelevancy.
Leman:
I don’t know why we raised Han. Han is broke. Like really, really broke. They have no treasury and an income of -5203 GPT. They are generating 0 science and are already 26 techs behind the tech leaders Kayapo and Timor-Leste. Yes, they have an absolutely cracked military (when adjusted for gold and nukes their traditional forces are the largest on the cylinder by a lot), but with a kind of mediocre production that isn’t getting any better, I can’t imagine Han winning anything other than the shortest wars against anyone who’s almost 30 techs ahead of them.
The only bright side is that Han’s not the only top-tier civ with a collapsing economy. Tuva ran out of gold this episode, and Brandenburg has been basically broke for a few episodes now. In terms of weaker civs, Greenland is generating no science and Gokturks are also broke. So at least Han won’t be alone here. That being said, most of Han’s neighbors are doing fine – Mohave, Kokang, Bengal and Afghanistan all have working economies.
So long story short, unless Han fixes its economy basically now, I really, really don’t like their chances.
Reformer:Not an interesting part for Mohave. They watch Arapaho take another gander at Cree, and on the other side of the Pacific, Inca take out Wiradjuri. It is certainly getting harder to expand in the Pacific, and the longer Mohave takes to get stronger, the smaller their chances of victory ultimately are. Some have even argued that the window has already closed, and that Mohave’s inaction has doomed them to defeat while the top four rocket far ahead. Still, Arapaho is arguably the weakest of the great four, and I personally believe in a timeline where Mohave rises to the occasion and challenges the four great.
Cloudy:
After a brief peace, the Arapaho are once again attempting to destroy the Cree, with mixed success. Long-term, the odds are heavily in their favor, and their superior production and military might will overcome whatever defense the Cree can muster. On the other hand, the Cree started off the war by recapturing the former Kwak capital, so it’s obvious that Pretty Nose was not entirely prepared. We will have to wait and see if all these wars against the Cree end up leaving Arapaho vulnerable to attack.
Leman:
Turkey slides to third place as Inca completes its dismemberment of Kayapo, integrates all of those new cities, and then kills Wiradjuri, as a treat. Turkey hasn’t really done anything wrong, it's just that it’s no longer the undisputed monster at the top of the rankings. In fact, I believe the top four civs (Arapaho, Turkey, Timor-Leste and Inca), are all about equally powerful. So, Turkey, with its exceptional tech, massive military, strong production, and robust economy is doing just fine.
I will point out that the last two times we decided not to rank Turkey first, they turned around and killed Lithuania and Permians. So yeah.
Msurdej:With the elimination of Wiradjuri, Timor-Leste has lost one of their (former) greatest rivals. And yet, it was the Inca, not Timor-Leste, who dealt the final blow. What this means for these two great titans going forward is anybody’s guess. Speaking of which, where are the Inca...
Emu:
And Inca becomes the seventh civ to top the rankings! Long referred to tongue-in-cheek as the most successful Polynesian civ, it seems the confusingly colored titans of the Pacific have finally established a solid power base on the South American continent, becoming undisputed hegemons there. But don't take that to mean they've neglected their Pacific holdings, either. This part they finished off Wiradjuri and established a good jumping off point against surprisingly empty-looking enemy waters off the coast of Australia. The volatile state of the cylinder guarantees they'll face strong competition soon, but for now they hold the throne.
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