Power Rankings: Episode 39 – S3

Release Date:

August 08, 2023

Narrated by:

Power-Rankers

Abstract

Power Rankings! They’re rankings of power! Power Rankings!

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Normans

1 / 0

1: Normans

Leman:

The Normans have finally been eliminated in 19th place, as the strongest finishing Italian civilization in CBR history. They were expansive, tenacious and stubborn, and thoroughly entertaining civilization. Unfortunately, their early expansion thrust them into a long, prolonged economic crisis, meaning their economy was always just a little bit too behind to really be a contender, they still managed an elimination and a half before they finally fell. In the end, after suffering a massive nuclear campaign from Angola, and losing their capital to a rumped Yugoslavia of all civs, they ended up being taken down by Mali. Even then, they inexplicably survived far longer than they should have in total war. Sad to see them go. F

1: Normans

Leman:

2: Angola

Cloudy:

Angola has bitten the dust in 18th place.

Looking back all the way to the start of this game, when we ranked them 29th, it’s entirely fair to say that Jonas Savimbi beat expectations. Out of the three civs jammed into southern Africa, Angola had the most options, and indeed they came out on top fairly quickly, even though it took many episodes for them to finally dispatch Botswana. However, Angola spent most of the game doing nothing, and they fell far behind in important stats like tech and military. Although they eventually woke up and dominated much of Africa, destroying Chad and pushing the Normans to the Mediterranean, it all came too late. When total war began, Angola was unprepared, and their massive empire was dissected between Mali, Turkey, Yemen, and Timor-Leste within a shockingly short time. And so it ends, with Angola’s lands turning to fuel for someone else’s victory push.

3: Kokang

Cloudy:

Olive Yang has also ascended to the great opium farm in the sky this episode, as Timor-Leste ripped apart what was left of Kokang without too much trouble.

Kokang was never a top contender, but they often headed up the tier below that. They crippled Cambodia early, settled numerous cities, and conquered the Philippines after joining the dogpile on Indonesia. They held their own against the more powerful Han, even taking several Han cities, and fought the mighty Mohave to a draw on the high seas. They were tenacious, as it took until Total War for anyone to seriously hurt them, and hopefully, they will be remembered.

4: Bengal

JDT:

Bengal climbs Kokang’s corpse to rise by one, but it's not looking good for them. They’re down to their last city, a tiny island on the Andamans that will all but be extinguished by Timor or Afghanistan. Their army is all but gone, their science is behind the worlds. Oh, woe be the hopeful, when the hammer of total war falls.

5: Gokturks

Orange:

Slipping slowly, sadly sulking, serve the sacrificial sheep, make scarce the shadowed sickly servants, strive for safely sincere sleeping. Gone are grandiose Gokturk groupings, grab the gangly guerillas, guide the gloomy grimaced generals, gain the gods of greater goodbyes.

6: Castile

JDT:

Is there anything I need to say more about Castile? They literally swapped to spectator mode in that one episode and have been there ever since.

7: Han

Emu

And the Han collapse in Songhaiesque fashion! Historic unit density problems have become the Chinese giants' undoing in TW, caving easily to Afghan and Timorese offensives from the South. They're only still alive right now because their long-held rival to the north Tuva has their own problems. At this point the most critical thing about Han is who winds up with their remaining cities. Do they launch Afghanistan to undisputed top 4dom? Provide a springboard for Timmy to venture northwards? Give the Tuvans a little more time? Set the stage for a very entertaining Mohave comeback? Whatever happens, how the Han cookie crumbles next part will define the future of Asia, and by extension the royale itself.

8: Anglo-Dutch

CelestialDalek:

It looks like the crack squad sent to dispatch Berlin turned out to be in Anglo-Clutch, as Brandenburg is currently reeling from the loss of their capital. Unfortunately, this puts the Anglo-Dutch right on the Turkish border. While they could certainly pull off an upset against Brandenburg, there’s no way that they can take on Turkey. Probably.

9: Kayapo

JDT:

The Kayapo rise by one as they push back Mali from Recife and manage to hold onto a decent core in spite of continual pushes by the Inca and Arapaho. Yes, they are dying, but they’re dying far more slowly than the powers below them. It may be a bit before we see the last of them given their high city defense, the Amazon and their decent tech, and hey, they have more of an army than Han if that counts for something.

10: Brandenburg

Msurdej:

Frederick-Wilhelm, what are you doing? Losing your capital is one thing in Total War, but to lose it to the Anglo-Dutch?! Even if Scandinavia doesn’t get overwhelmed by Turkey (which it's starting to), losing your capital is never a good look.

11: Yemen

CelestialDalek:

Even though Yemen is losing their homeland, they now hold a small amount of control over the Horn of Africa. However, they have lost land to Timor and no longer have a weak opponent to beat up on. Their last stand will probably ride out in Madagascar, much like in Plague Inc. (note: I have never played Plague Inc. and honestly don’t know if I have the right bioweapon game. Close enough.)

12: Mohave

Altima:

Talk about a spit performance. The Asian Enclave is expanding, the Pacific is mostly holding, and the American homeland is entirely lost. Despite having lost their home, the fall of other civs and the rise of their Asian Enclave not only keeps their rank afloat but rises their ranks by two. We’ll see how well they hold onto that in the coming part. The Asian Enclave is expanding solely off of the collapse of the Han, and it remains to be seen how well they’ll do after there’s no more Han to munch and they have to fight actual civs. The Pacific is a wildcard, flush with sharks, but sharks who are mostly out of teeth for the moment. A lot could change in the next part, and the Mohave could rise or fall at the flip of a coin, even more than most.

13: Tuva

Emu:

The fact that Tuva is 7th and is still considered long-term kind of fucked says a lot about the general state of the game at this point. Turkish advances from the west, while troubling, are hamstrung for now due to the general lack of Turkish units, but no one is in any doubt that they'll get there eventually. There's a buffer of weaker civs to the south and east that should keep them secure-ish from that side for now, too. Even once those advantages disintegrate, they have plenty of land to fall back on, which means it'll be a long time indeed before we see the last of the steppe horde that dethroned the mighty Permian bear so long ago. Only a very timely end to this round of TW can possibly save them now.

14: Mali

Leman:

Mali’s days of being a dark horse may be behind us. For the first time since Total War began, Mali is losing ground. Angola is dead, meaning Mali’s greatest source of free cities is gone. All of the nerds in the Mediterranean are dead as well, and the sea itself is firmly in Turkey’s hands. Timor-Leste has conquered the entirety of southern Africa and has begun pushing into central Africa. It seems like Mali might be about to experience a spectacular Han-style collapse at the Hands of Turkey or Timor-Leste.

Although, to be honest, I think Mali has a little bit of time before any collapse occurs. Unlike Han or Tuva, Mali has been exceptional at conserving its large, but outdated military, and still has 111k troops. This isn’t enough to conquer anything from Timor-Leste or Turkey, but it's much, much more than what Tuva and Han have (30k and 7k respectively), so Mali should be able to keep its opponents at bay. At least for one more episode.

15: Afghanistan

Altima:

Plot twist, the civ with the very good bonuses to holding its turf has held its turf long enough for most of its rivals to deplete themselves, and started pushing into the lands of those rivals. Who’d’ve thunk. Anyway, joining the great Hansacre has put them up a rank, with some even putting them in the top four. If they can keep up the momentum, maybe the rest of us will come around on that take, but for now, they don’t quite have the stats and positioning to merit such in most of our eyes. We’ve all seen how important production is in Total War, with it being a major factor in X2’s winner taking the crown in the final war, and Afghanistan has less than half the production of our #4. Still, if they can take and consolidate enough Han turf and kick Timor Leste out, maybe they’ll start to even the divide. Stranger things have happened.

16: Inca

Msurdej: Tupac’s ranks falls a bit, but don’t let that fool you. The Inca kicked Arapaho out of South America, and are pushing into New Zealand. They’re biggest problem remains though: Hard places to expand into that aren't Kayapo. The Arapaho will be tough, as will any cross continent invasion. Tupac may gain control of South America soon, but will he be able to take the North?

17: Arapaho

Rosay:

Pound for pound Arapaho has been the biggest winner from the total war declaration but they might be stalled now. See, Arapaho never really built up a strong navy and now all of its remaining options are overseas (I mean yes technically Panama is the connection to South America but good luck getting through Inca there). The only real option to expand outside of NA is the Gokturks and even that feels like it will be short lived.

18: Turkey

Leman:

Turkey absolutely monstered this part. They end turn 830 up 21 cities from last part, mostly seized from Mali and Tuva. Those two civs, especially Tuva, are in complete freefall, so I expect the next episode to be similarly lucrative for Turkey, as almost all of its neighbors have been thoroughly and completely exhausted. Turkey is poised to expand in every direction with little opposition until they reach Timor-Leste

Every direction except into Afghanistan. The underdog dark horse has managed to thwart Turkish invasion at every turn and is no doubt a huge military sink that Turkey has to focus on. After this episode Afghanistan is looking like they might rival the the Turks in Asia, keeping Turkey off of what otherwise would have been an easy first place.

19: Timor-Leste

Orange:

BACK ON TOP BABY! TIMOR-LESTE ON THE RESURGENCE! Like holy fuck they just activated super mode and took a huge amount of Africa and a huge amount of Southeast Asia, breaking right into China. Really their only main issue right now is the naval struggle in the east, but that’s not an actual threat to their hegemony. And honestly, with the shape of their empire, T-L is looking the best for being able to unite the world. Turkey is a slowly growing blob in central Afroeurasia, but T-L is pushing in hard on two fronts. I really don’t know what could stop them now besides just a complete failure to do anything like in the first part of total war.

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