Power Rankings: Episode 46 – S3

Emu:

Well folks, it finally happened. All it took was the world being destroyed and remade in a more violent image, but the Gokturks’ impenetrable island fortress defended by a fearsome crack corps of 0 military has fallen. Truly the cylinder will never be the same. Qaghan’s career started pretty strong, in the way of all Siberian civs. Also in the way of all Siberian civs, they got their lunch completely eaten by someone more ambitious, in this case Tuva and Han (both of whom they outlived, so who’s laughing now). The common opinion is that they don’t really deserve to finish this high, and to be fully honest? Yeah they really don’t deserve this but it was funny to watch. RIP.

Emu:

The party is finally over. Without the original Raoni’s leadership, Kayapo collapsed instantly at the beginning of this part to the civ that took their core so long ago. Kayapo was always a controversial civ, angering some and charming others by their refusal to actually play the game we put them in instead of high-tech sim city. This confusing strategy led to probably their biggest real game impact: the theory that Raoni was trying to break out of the simulation. As the green and gold technocrats continued to not build a military even in the face of Total War, this theory just kept on gaining steam until the final few prebuild parts, where it became the central point of the narrative. His work finally done, Raoni promptly came to a fitting end, dying in the more peaceful world he helped to create. The reanimated corpse that was rebuild Kayapo never really had much of a chance, and I think that’s probably how Raoni would have liked it. If any leader can be said to be resting in peace, it’s him.  

Leman:

Well, the scrappiest civilization in the game is dead. Yemen started as a humble civilization that nobody (besides me) really believed in, mostly on account of their terrible starting position. But through sheer willpower, pluck, and several incredibly busted growth bonuses, they managed to grow in an extremely unhappy technological powerhouse. Their rise was quiet and consisted mostly of bullying the east African civilizations of Zulu, Kilwa and Uganda, amassing a respectable empire of 14 cities and a completed tech tree by the time Total War hit. During Total War, Yemen didn’t really make any conquests, besides snagging a few cities from Angola, but they defended spectacularly against Turkey, stubbornly refusing to let go of Sana’a until it was absolutely unavoidable. Still, Yemen survived against both Turkey and Timor-Leste while old powerhouses like Angola, Tuva, and Han fell apart like houses of cards. Yemen finally met their end at the hands of Timor-Leste, another stepping stone on their rise to dominance, finally being eliminated in 9th (Castile doesn’t count) place, an overall fantastic performance.

Editor’s note: Castile counts fuck you >:(

Orange:

I gave my eulogy in the part, but yeah, feels bad. I’ve been cheering for them since the start and so it was sad when they just didn’t jump on Arapaho or the Cree enough to prevent Arapaho’s big growth, eventually leading to them getting kicked off the continent during total war. But hey, they started in 55th and ended in the top ten after forming a fantastic empire, like the fact that they took over all of Japan and also the legendary Avi Mota colony, beautiful. A shame they didn’t become one of the great powers at the very end.

Cloudy:

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. My sweet summer child.

Afghanistan’s rising star has just been shot down by a surface to air missile, as their entire empire collapses and Durrani stands on the brink of elimination—ironically in former Han lands, much like the empire he defeated to get here. What used to be the Afghan core is now the site of heavy battles to determine which of Turkey or Timor-Leste will emerge victorious this season, as Afghanistan is solidly out of the running. At least they had a good run.

Altima:

The good: Brandenburg’s city count has not gone down this episode despite being almost comically mismatched against their neighbors.

The bad: That city count is comically mismatched against their neighbors.

The only thing holding them up from dead last right now is that Afghanistan looks primed to Actually Die in the coming part. Mali might also die, so Brandenburg has that going for it; they may meet the reaper a whole two graves from now.

Cloudy:

Mali is in a fight for survival right now against Turkey and the Inca, who are attacking from two directions, but they are hanging on, flipping everything as fast as they can. A lot of their core is still intact and pumping out units, so they might survive for a while—but it remains to be seen whether we’re right to put them above Brandenburg, another civ in a similar position.

Leman:

Everyone ranks Castile either second or last, unsurprising they were placed right in the middle.

Altima:

The Inca rank has corrected down from the bullish first down to a much more in-line 4th, as they stalemate or erode on every front, their military ground down to a meager shadow of their competitors. They probably aren’t squeaking this out as a win, but their geographic position is solid enough to hold on for a while, probably outlasting the remaining runts at the very least. The long term depends a lot on what happens with Timor-Leste; if they should continue to exceed our wildest expectations, they may well just incidentally eat the Inca, which could potentially result in them dying before Brandenburg, as fucked as that would be. So uh, let’s hope that TL is too busy in Africa to kill them.

Orange:

Well, they’ve found themselves above the Inca, but going into the end they just don’t look like they have enough to be victorious. They’ll have to settle for 3rd or 4th, depending on how Turkey holds up (and obviously Castile in 2nd). But honestly, I see them holding out longer, T-L looks like they’ll win unless some dramatic change in competency happens, and T-L is fighting Turkey directly already while Arapaho is just a bit of squabbling in the sea. It’ll be much harder for T-L to make landfall in North America than it’s gonna be for them to continue to push into Turkey given that they already are pushing into the Middle East. So that’s that, a solid run by Pretty Nose, almost able to have it all, but falling just short at the last second. No doubt, they’ve played the game well, maybe they can turn it around one last time.

Orange:

Turkey just can’t stay on top it seems, as they fail to push back there and instead fumble, losing all the grounds that they are gaining. At best, I’d say they went pretty even, but clearly are getting pushed in and facing troubles they really really shouldn’t be facing. Honestly, doesn’t bode that well, but they still are very strong, got real good stats, just need to claw it back.

Cloudy:

Against all expectations, Timor-Leste absolutely dominated the first few turns of the rebuild, pushing forward on every front while landing devastating blows to several major civilizations. Timor greatly increased its land holdings in Asia, eliminated Yemen, took several cities off Turkey, nearly killed Afghanistan, and gobbled up Incan Polynesia without a second thought. With 80 cities, they have almost twice as many as anyone else, and they have the world’s largest army to back it up. It’s unclear who could stop Timor at this point, and frankly, if they win, I think most of us would be cool with that—even if it makes us power rankers, who put them 61st in episode 0, look like chumps.