Power Rankings: Episode 35 – S4

Nathanmasse:

My heart goes out to Nivkh.  They started the season among the top 10 evoking the memory of Chukchi as an isolated civ in eastern Siberia and even rose a few ranks after the first episode when they declared a joint war with Shang against Goguryeo.  But it was all downhill from there.  

With Pyongyang on the ropes and surrounded they just… made peace and effectively threw the game away.  They focused hard on their military for the first few episodes and failed to punish Goguryeo for forward settling or settler spamming.  By the time they tried again at around turn 100 it was too late; Goguryeo horseman UU was more than a match for Nivkhs archer UU.

From this point there were few options left to them. They fought a somewhat successful war against Ikko-Ikki and secured the Kamchatka Peninsula and were even among the earlier adopters of the Autocracy ideology. But it was not enough to prevent the slow erosion of their empire by persistent attacks from Thule.  

Perhaps sensing weakness after Nivkh gave away a city to make peace with Thule, Goguryeo declared war and would not make the same mistake Nivkh made all those years ago.  It was a dogged defense and fought to the last man, but in the end they were eliminated in 38th place by their old rival.  

NopeCopter:

The final death of England has come sooner than expected, with them not even getting a chance to rebuild and take out the Visigoths before getting cleaned up by the Faroes. Really, it’s a sad fate for such an iconic civilization, and one that could have hypothetically still pulled some shenanigans if left alone for another episode or two. Really, England is a prime example of a civ taken from us far too soon - though from the very beginning, I think everyone was aware that they were playing on borrowed time.

England’s status leading into the game was… difficult, to say the least. Voted in as part of a duo that wasn’t actually completed, England was the second-most-disliked civilization in the initial popularity polling (after Kazakhstan), at least in terms of people rooting against them, and they were ranked 46th on the Episode 0 Power Rankings - not because they were incapable of doing well, but because the Faroes so often eviscerated them. Few expected England to do well, and few wanted them to.

England’s start didn’t do them many favors, either - their ballsy forward settle onto the mainland was countered by the Faroes immediately settling Scotland, an even more terrifying prospect as the Faroes had just gotten an incredibly lucky start with multiple free techs from Ancient Ruins, and Burgundy’s rapid early settling made England’s forward settle seem even more foolish. An early flip of Beaune by the Visigoths made England’s position seem slightly better, but when they attempted to invade Burgundy in their moment of weakness, England fell victim to the classic blunder of splitting their forces and made peace before the end of the episode, quickly killing any hype they had amassed. This was followed by another ineffectual war, this time against the Visigoths, who were just a bit too tough to lose a city to half a dozen Triremes. While all this was happening, England continued to allow the Faroes to settle Scotland - a very, very bad call for a civilization that was throwing away units and still only had four cities to their name. England had shown themselves to be ambitious, aggressive, and opportunistic, but not exactly competent.

But England wasn’t done yet - no, they were just getting started. After pumping out a couple more settlers and trying to make up for lost time, they jumped right back into war with Burgundy, this time with two cities on the mainland to launch their invasion from. The only problem: Burgundy was the strongest civ in western Europe at this point, with six cities in very defensible positions and an army that dwarfed England’s mainland forces. Their navy of Triremes once again failed to take any cities, and the lines of battle were too long for England to concentrate their forces, and so before long the English troops were routed and Burgundy had captured Norwich. England reached their record-low PR ranking of 47, and by the next episode, even York was surrounded and looking ready to collapse.

This is the point at which any other civ would have lost their mainland colonies, taking a devastating blow to their production in the process, and been reduced to a sad little rump on the fringes of Europe. But England was not any other civ. Using their remaining navy, they continued to flip Norwich, and they managed to beat back the forces around York as well. War declarations from the Visigoths and Faroes drew enough of Burgundy’s attention that they couldn’t properly focus on the English colonies, and the Faroese armada (while ultimately ineffective) spooked Burgundy into making peace without either of England’s mainland cities. A great crisis had been averted, and England had avoided being punished for their reckless warmongering, but this just left another question: now what? England had shown that they were unable to defeat Burgundy, and the Visigoths and Faroes were unable to take even a single city off of them. Furthermore, Burgundy was much faster at rebuilding. The Visigoths were still far too difficult to take on navally, and a war against the Faroes was out of the question. This impressive salvaging of the war on Burgundy really only seemed to be delaying the inevitable. Heck, the Visigoths got to settle Ireland! The Visigoths! Not only was England’s Power Ranking in the gutter, but even their popularity was dismal. They were a no-hoper, another civ doomed to rot on the British Isles, just like Ireland, and Wales, and the Manx…

But despite their difficult position, England refused to give in. They spent the next few episodes out of the spotlight, slowly rebuilding their forces, biding their time, having learned their lesson from their opening wars. And when the perfect time arrived - a joint invasion of Burgundy by Bavaria and the Visigoths - they struck once more. Sure their presence on the mainland wasn’t all that impressive, but Burgundy was split between three fronts, and more importantly, they didn’t have a navy. England did. As Burgundy stalled out against Dijon and the VIsigoths floundered against Asturica, England’s fleet of Triremes finally proved large enough to break Amiens - something even the Faroes couldn’t accomplish. England peaced out not long after, with the inland Burgundian cities proving much more resilient and Bavaria no longer helping, but they’d finally made it out of a war up a city.

To many, this peace declaration seemed incredibly poorly timed, as not only did Bavaria rejoin the war effort not long after, but England also finally unlocked their first Unique Unit, the Chevauchee. Given the circumstances, and how often civs end up waiting far too long to go to war, the Chevauchee seemed doomed to sit around until it was no longer relevant, but it turned out that England never had any desire to waste their UU - they were simply waiting to unlock the other one, as well. Once armed with their Longbowmen, and with a freshly rebuilt carpet, England struck the war-weary Burgundy for the fourth time. The Visigoths struck a peace deal with Burgundy right as the war began, and Bavaria was busy with Royal Hungary, but England didn’t need a coalition war this time. The Chevauchee, on paper a worthless unit due to its low power and status as a mounted unit, actually completely prevented Burgundy from building units in cities it moved into - and with Burgundy already low on units from their prior wars, this proved to be deadly. Coupled with the incredible range of the Longbowmen, England’s Unique Units… didn’t actually seem to be doing the job, to be honest. For a couple episodes, the war was a stalemate - many assumed England was once again going to fumble the land invasion against the infamously defensible Burgundian code. Until, suddenly, it wasn’t - in a single turn, England, armed with not only their uniques but also with Trebuchets and Musketmen, knocked Autun from effectively full health to red HP. A couple turns later, the city fell, and the Visigoths took the opportunity to pounce and take another shot at recapturing Asturica… only for Burgundy to panic and hand the city over to England in exchange for peace, instead. An embarrassing if ultimately strategically sound move by Burgundy, an absolute snub for the Visigoths, and a solid prize for England, who had finally established themselves as a legitimate player in mainland European politics. Burgundy was now a rump, and England had effectively taken their place in the regional power balance. Sure, Burgundy still existed, but for all intents and purposes, England had done it - they’d won the Hundred Year’s War.

England proceeded to fumble a war against Bavaria they’d declared ages ago, failing to capture the weakened city of Beaune due to a lack of melee units, but this was IMMEDIATELY followed up by an attack on the Visigoths, who were already in the process of being beaten down by Sierra Leone. This was England, after all - ambition had become their defining character trait. It was also their defining character flaw. While still trying to break through the Pryenees and take down the Visigoths, England suddenly declared war on Burgundy AGAIN, despite their manland forces being exhausted and Burgundy’s carpet being completely rebuilt. The road to Autun was completely open, the city was retaken, and Burgundy looked poised to make a comeback entirely off of England’s arrogance. But the English simply told everybody to shut up and watch. As their navy jockeyed for control of the Visigothic island cities, England’s forces slowly but surely wore down the Burgundian carpet, and by the end of Episode 26, not only had England completely reversed the situation and begun marching on Dijon, but they’d simultaneously knocked the Visigothic coastal city of Emerita into the yellow. This was also the point where the Popularity Polls returned after an 11-episode hiatus, and while their public perception had already begun to trend more positive by Episode 15 (albeit mostly due to not many people caring about them), Episode 26’s poll showed just how far England had come - suddenly, their support score was the fourth highest on the Cylinder, and they were really only a couple of points from second. They had become a fan favorite, a darling, and they certainly weren’t going to stop now.

Over the next couple of episodes, as England’s UUs began to become less and less relevant, the Burgundian capital of Dijon was finally seized, Asturias narrowly avoided falling to the Visigoths, Emerita was flipped and then held, and the Visigoths began to be torn apart. Burgundy was left alive for now, a one-city rump state, and while England stopped short of taking Barcino (letting Sierra Leone torch it instead), they had a foothold to pick off the scraps of whatever Sierra Leone left behind at any time. In the meantime, they decided that they actually did want to kill Burgundy after all, absolutely mopping the floor with Nancy and finally eliminating their age-old rival. This angered Rome, who was busy attempting to besiege the city themselves, but as Nancy was inland, this was hardly a problem. Unfortunately, finally picking up their first elimination also had… more dire consequences in store.

Since the very first episode, the Faroes had always hung over the head of England like a guillotine. They were the polar opposite of the English: sleepy and not the best at war, yes, but so large, so inherently powerful with their uniques, that they utterly dwarfed them anyways. For England, it was always a matter of when, not if, the Faroes would finally decide to wipe them off the face of the map - there was no universe in which England surpassed them, not after their opening turns. For a while, the two coexisted peacefully - they fought wars together, shared the Isles peacefully, and England was comfortable enough to leave their core holdings largely devoid of troops. But the elimination of Burgundy was evidently a step too far, and the Faroes - with a military utterly dwarfing England’s and technology so far ahead that they were even fielding planes - declared war right as England was on top of the world. England, by contrast, didn’t even get a moment to catch their breath. Their military was exhausted, and most of what did remain was on the other side of their empire. Still, they fought. They fought hard, even taking the initiative and crossing into Faroese lands before the Faroes could organize their ground forces, and every city the Faroes took was flipped back multiple times over. It was an impressive showing, really, and England even finally started pumping out Artillery in the midst of the fighting. Hell, they even declared war on Bavaria in the midst of it, as if the Faroes simply weren’t enough of a challenge for them! At times, it seemed like England could stem the bleeding and hold the line. But the Faroese armada was simply too vast, and the power of aircraft simply too insurmountable. England’s reserves slowly began to run dry, and eventually even London fell, pushing England onto the mainland and then beyond. In the end, all of coastal France fell, and England was forced to also cede Dijon for peace, reducing them to a mere five cities split between southern France and Iberia - a shell of their former selves, a grim shadow of their exploits.

England’s final days after this defeat were somber, but not devoid of action. Faroese Citadels left England unable to reinforce Nancy, so while they fought hard to keep the Romans at bay, the city eventually fell. Still, there was hope that they could rebuild and at the very least finish off the Visigoths, who by now had been reduced to one city - sure, the Visigothic carpet was large, but it was also completely out-teched. Unfortunately, however, they never got the chance to plot out their next big play. In the same way that England relentlessly wore down Burgundy, the Faroes (now even further ahead technologically) declared a second war on the English rump state, and the remains of the empire were wiped out by the end of the episode, reduced to only a single Great General. Even then, though, England decided to go out on their own terms: on the same turn the Faroes dealt the killing blow, England handed Salisbury (their final settled city, in southern Portugal) to Rome in a peace deal. Even if it was small and ultimately pointless, it was a nice last bit of defiance in the face of certain death, and had the Faroes not immediately declared war on Rome it could’ve been said that England got the last laugh. Or maybe pitting their two killers against each other was their final act of revenge after all. Who can say. Really, the greatest tragedy of it all was the fact that the Visigoths didn’t die first.

And so, England’s tale has come to an end. But it wasn’t meaningless. Going into the season as just another European civ representing a nation people loved to hate, England managed to turn their entire legacy around and became something that few could have imagined. Their ambition and ballsy plays resonated with people, and by Episode 30 - in the midst of the Faroese invasion, mind you - England had become the third most popular civilization in the entire game. Their conquest of Burgundy, a plot thread that spanned six wars and had perhaps more twists and turns than the relations of any other two civs… ever, proved to the world that the British Isles were NOT an unworkable TSL after all - heck, if the Faroes hadn’t existed, they certainly could have gone further and conquered the Visigoths and Bavaria at the very least. And even now, England remains (alongside the Khoshuts) far and away the fan-favorite eliminated civ. Through the fears and doubts of the Power Rankers, the disdain of the viewers, and an admittedly abysmal opening few episodes, England put on one hell of a show - and while their ambition was their downfall in the end, it was also what has made them immortal. The Faroes, once the viewers’ darling, now sit comfortably as the single least popular civ in the game (only the Wahgi are challenging them), and unless something massive happens they’re unlikely to be spoken of positively after the season ends. But I doubt people will ever shut up about England. Their death may have been inevitable, and everybody watching knew it, but they danced one hell of a jig on their way to the gallows. And it really is a testament to England’s performance that their death was so tragic when everybody saw it coming from the very first turns of the game. Perhaps one day we’ll get a power from the British Isles that truly becomes a power on the world stage, one that puts England’s achievements to shame. But until that day comes, the master of Western Europe will sit on his throne in the sub, immortalized by the love of those who watched him work his incredibly violent magic. Thanks for playing, Henry. F.

NopeCopter:

Falling just a single slide after the fan-favorite England, Kanem-Bornu, another fan-favorite nation, joins them in the sub this week after finally breaking down the episode prior. While not as dynamic as England, Kanem-Bornu instead earned their fame through their sheer grit, unmatched anywhere else on the cylinder. They may not have ever been in a position to win the continent, but they were perhaps the most prolific kingmaker in CBR history, and their mere existence has shaped the direction of the CBR to a degree few mid-tiers are able to accomplish.

Initially ranked in 41st, in “the bottom of the middle of the pack”, with fairly low hopes given their awkward terrain and strong neighbors. Their start didn’t do much to change people’s opinion of them, either, with a fairly slow start that saw them plummet all the way to 54th in the rankings for their sheer lack of action compared to the exciting and expansive Sierra Leone and Alaouites. But these two, while they did settle right up to Kanem-Bornu, forgot to build a military to go along with their settles. Right when Sierra Leone was at their mightiest (and silliest), Kanem-Bornu took the opportunity to strike at their eastern border, taking the city of Bo for themselves before Sierra Leone’s forces could coalesce. They also settled Nkongsamba at this time, finally claiming some proper space for themselves to expand into rather than clumping all their cities together. This led to a 10-rank rise in Kanem-Bornu’s standing and a TWENTY-THREE rank drop for Sierra Leone. After five straight episodes of being completely ignored, Kanem-Bornu was finally starting to turn some heads.

Unfortunately, this victory also gave attention to Kanem-Bornu’s greatest problem throughout their entire run: their awful stats. Desert cities rarely make a good empire, but Kanem-Bornu was on another level, being absolutely abysmal in tech and production, for instance. Even if they did manage a clutch war, they were slow to rebuild and simply could not keep up with the pace of growth of the rest of the cylinder. And that inability to rebuild very quickly proved to be their undoing, as after an ill-advised war declaration against the Mamluks, both the Alaouites and Saba-D’mt (both top-of-the-line military powers with massive armies) invaded, tearing their admittedly decently-sized empire to shreds and proving their defeat of Sierra Leone was a mere fluke.

…Or, that’s what should have happened. Instead, the Alaouites absolutely fumbled a free war by trying to invade Sierra Leone at the same time, while Saba-D’mt, after taking Nkongsamba with no issue, suddenly proved completely unable to make any further progress despite their massive army and favorable terrain. Saba-D’mt was so incompetent, in fact, that Kanem-Bornu was able to take Agadir from the Alaouites with no issues! Sierra Leone sniped Sale and Fez, and Saba-D’mt did eventually take the city of Bornu as well, but on the whole it was a pretty impressive showing - and Kanem-Bornu actually retook Bornu off-screen a couple episodes later. Saba-D’mt split their forces and failed to commit properly, and it led to perhaps their second most humiliating war in the game. Kanem-Bornu celebrated their victory (Not counting the loss of Nkongsamba) by finally getting on with that invasion of the Mamluks, turning their near defeat of the Romans into a joint takedown that netted Kanem-Bornu both Minya and Damanhur. The terrain around Damietta proved to be too much for Kanem-Bornu to navigate, so the elimination of the Mamluks eluded them, but it was still an impressive showing by Kanem-Bornu given their stats were still pretty much in the gutter.

This series of wars was followed by a period of relative peace for Kanem-Bornu, but unfortunately it was less of a building-up period and more of a let-your-neighbors-build-up period. Sierra Leone and Saba-D’mt only became scarier, while Kanem-Bornu’s stats continued to hold them down. By this point, Sierra Leone had taken down the Alaouites and Saba-D’mt was at their peak, not to mention Ndongo looking solid to the south, so people had mostly written off Kanem-Bornu as an actual player. It was just a matter of who got around to dealing the killing blow first - the kingmaker of Africa, unable to win but able to grant victory to any of the three major powers. It turned out that Saba-D’mt would be the one to make the first grasp at the throne, with the advantage of not only gunpowder but the Production to actually sustain a prolonged war. A (mostly irrelevant outside of Rome) coalition war followed, and it seemed as though Kanem-Bornu’s time had finally come. As it turned out, their time HAD indeed come - not to die, but to show off their true power.

Kanem-Bornu’s UA, “None to Fear But God”, deals damage to all enemy units in all cities connected to their capital based on the city’s Faith output - and it just so happened that Kanem-Bornu had not only founded a religion so many turns ago, but also had one of the highest Faith outputs on the cylinder. Paired with the movement bonuses of both their UA and UU, this turned out to be a devastating defensive boon for an otherwise-outclassed civilization. Rome’s siege of Damanhur, seemingly guaranteed to take the city, completely floundered, and Saba-D’mt quickly found themselves on the back foot as Kanem-Bornu turned the tables and even recaptured Nkongsamba before peace was very quickly made. For a second time, Kanem-Bornu had utterly humiliated a top-15 power, and while they were still in no position to actually conquer any of their neighbors, their status as kingmaker had gone from “a free quarter of the continent for whoever invades first” to “an unbreakable wall only to be conquered by a truly worthy civ”. Their grit was unmistakable, and they began to truly be recognized as the legend they had become.

Kanem-Bornu once again had a brief period of quiet after this victory, pulling off a very funny (albeit very temporary) snipe of Marrakech from under the noses of Sierra Leone but otherwise getting an episode to relax and rebuild before suddenly being thrust back into war with Saba-D’mt due to Holy War mechanics, now packing an even more notable tech advantage with Cannons and Line Infantry. This, of course, also went nowhere, because of course it didn’t. Kanem-Bornu took the initiative despite Saba-D’mt (nominally) declaring the war, and then peace was signed by the end of the episode. It did tank Saba-D’mt’s reputation even more, though, which was funny. Kanem-Bornu celebrated by failing to eliminate the Mamluks (also part of the Holy War coalition), before taking a bit of a break with a small, irrelevant war against Rome.

However, as Kanem-Bornu recovered from their consecutive wars in the north and east, Sierra Leone began to grow more and more powerful - their tech level surged ahead, their Happiness problems were solved, and they even attained a foothold in Iberia. Kanem-Bornu, meanwhile, continued to struggle along with their lack of production and science, barely able to put together a semi-decent carpet before Sierra Leone finally came knocking for a rematch. Despite the overwhelming advantage on both land and sea, not to mention several well-placed Citadels, Kanem-Bornu fought hard and made Sierra Leone bleed for every inch of soil and every point of damage on their cities. Unfortunately, this time the difference in firepower and production was just too much, and Kanem-Bornu was slowly but surely pushed back. The straw that broke the camel’s back came in the form of aircraft, which Sierra Leone started to build in the middle of the war, effectively negating the effects of Kanem-Bornu’s now-infamous UA. Kanem-Bornu managed a couple more flips, but with their military already exhausted, they were relentlessly pushed further and further back until finally being reduced to two disconnected cities on the eastern edge of their once-great empire. At the very least, they didn’t need to wait long for their demise after being rumped and humiliated - in the midst of their conquest, they had joined Sierra Leone in a coalition war against Saba-D’mt that every other member had subsequently peaced out of, leaving them to fend for themselves with almost no resources to speak of against a further humiliated but ultimately still functional Saba-D’mt. They fought hard in this final war, down to the last man, but ultimately the difference in power was too much and Kanem-Bornu was finally slain by their age-old rivals.

And so the beast of the Sahara had finally been slain, and the kingmaker of Africa had placed their crown upon the head of Thomas Peters. But alas, it was a hollow victory, as the conquest had come too late to truly matter - a subsequent war against Rome went horribly awry, and Sierra Leone lost a good chunk of their gains against Kanem-Bornu, turning them from a shoe-in to win Africa to just another mid-tier power unlikely to break out of the continent. Saba-D;mt, meanwhile, continues to get bullied by Mogadishu. Kanem-Bornu’s final trick was to hand over no crown at all, only to grant a bit of hope before the crushing reality of the future of X4’s African powers was revealed. Sierra Leone, Saba-D’mt, and Ndongo will all likely rot on their split continent until some truly top-tier power invades and cleans things up, doomed to a mediocre end unless something massive changes. Kanem-Bornu, meanwhile, has escaped the cylinder with a legacy of daring and iconic moments intact, a prime example of a turtle that managed to give a good show despite their more defensive nature. It may not have been a good performance on an objective level, but it’s the nature of the CBR that not everyone can be a winner. Becoming a legend is certainly a fine alternative for such an underrated little empire, one once considered so boring that they weren’t even worth talking about. F.

NopeCopter:

And thus ends the tragic tale of Vijayanagara, a plucky underdog who fought hard to break out of the infamously tough South India start, only to be reduced to yet another theater of the inevitable Wahgi-Singapore conflict. Though their fate was grim, their journey was full of twists and turns, and they certainly do not deserve to be forgotten.

Vijayanagara began -

Wait, one second, I have to take this. Hello? Yeah, I’m writing up the Vijayanagara eulogy right now, why?

…What do you mean they’re not dead? Really? I mean, they were in the middle of being - okay, yeah yeah, I guess they’re not TECHNICALLY dead yet, but - alright fine, I guess it would be a bit awkward to eulogize them while they still have a city. Yeah, no worries, saves me the trouble of writing another essay anyways. Bye.

Okay, so it turns out Vijayanagara is NOT dead, and so the eulogy has to wait for another week. Not much else to say about them, though - they’re guaranteed to be eliminated in a matter of turns, and the only really interesting thing about the war is how it’ll give the Wahgi a way to strike at Singapore’s South Asian holdings if and when they go to war. Shame it has to be this way, it’s a pretty sad fate for such a dynamic civ.

ECH:

At the end of Episode 33, there were 43 civs left alive, and Visigoths were ranked 40th. At the end of Episode 34, there were 38 civs left alive, and the Visigoths were ranked 36th. At the end of Episode 35, there are 35 civs left alive, and Visigoths are ranked 34th. Clearly, by pattern logic, Visigoths will be judged last next part and eliminated in Episode 37! That or they’ll continue to subside at the bottom ranks as better civs die before them, the barnacles of the Cylinder…

Lasqueto:

Oooof. Seneca lost the entire southern half of their meagre empire this episode, mostly to New Holland of all civs. They even got randomly sniped by Thule lmao. That’s one big nail in their coffin, but there’s a few bright sides to it. Mexico has been gradually tunneling their way through Osage with citadels for the last few parts, and the newly New Dutch territory cuts them off from getting at Seneca. Aside from that, yeah, a terrible part for Seneca.

Orange:

Latvia taking out their other tiny backwards rump of a neighbor should make the Finns a bit worried for their own safety. But hey, Latvia and Makhnovia have fought a few times before while the Finns and Latvia have been allies for the whole game. So maybe they are still safe for a while longer.

Nathanmasse:

Kazan ticked up a few ranks this week but it’s probably just noise.  With the culling of the smaller civs in the past few episodes there’s no one left they can attack to try to boost their meager rank.  They’re really just waiting for one of their three neighbors to finish the job.

Cloudy:

If you’d told me early in this season that Bukhara would survive long enough to be ranked in the top half, I’d have been pretty surprised. But here they are. If they can maintain their successful record of getting scary neighbors to ignore them, then they might indeed place above 31. And you know what, they’ve been a fun character, despite being small and weak—and I think if they make the top half, I’ll let them have that win.

Orange:

I’m just waiting for Mongolia to get eaten by the Dzungars, who are just marginally stronger, but who there is a lot more confidence in. Like, Mongolia really is just a piece of juicy food for either two of the top civs or the mid-power of the Dzungars, and I gotta root for the underdog there. But not too underdog, cause that’d be rooting for Mongolia, and like, I’m not gonna do that. Go be food Sorghaghtani.

Leman:

Qarmatians did not participate in episode 35.

Msurdej:

Kennyo's big accomplishments this episode was finishing the Manhattan Project and making a dad joke. Sure, having nukes is a bonus, but with the elimination of the Nivkh, The Ikko-Ikki are one of the weakest nations in Asia. Goguryeo, or even the Zheng if they're feeling plucky, could declare war and debilitate, or even eliminate the Ikko-Ikki. But with a few nukes on hand... they'll probably still die. But they'll make a bunch of problems for the victor.

Leman:

Bavaria’s strategy is to hope that the Faroes have already conquered it.

Msurdej:

The Osage managed to grab one of Thule's exclaves this episode, a show of pluckiness which, while not getting them a rank this time, is appreciated. Even so, With the Yellowknives and Mexico looking tough, and the paths to the Seneca and Taino are too small for effective invasions, it's hard to see a path where the Osage can win. But they've come back from worse.

NopeCopter:

The Taino don’t necessarily look quite as good as they did last episode, with the Mexican navy now actually possessing a couple of Destroyers, but as mid-tiers go they could still certainly be doing a lot worse. They’re not winning this game, sure, but at the very least they’re not guaranteed to just roll over and die the second a top power invades. And heck, maybe they could even pick up the scraps of the Osage or Seneca one of these days!

ECH:

Writer Jack London supposedly wrote, “The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.”

Galdan Khan has not read Jack London.

NopeCopter:

The Noongar are the latest civ to become a parking lot for the comically oversized Wahgi military. Better than being their next invasion target, I guess, though I’d hardly count it out. This is certainly frustrating any attempts of theirs to further expand or even just build up, though to be fair it’s not like their odds of breaking through the Palawa or Singapore were very high to begin with. At the very least they’d frustrate any efforts by the Palawa to take any cities, which might be nice considering the Palawa are now fielding Infantry against the Noongar’s Riflemen.

Cloudy:

Despite walking a tightrope in its war with Mogadishu, Saba rises one spot, because their performance in the war so far has not been too shabby, and also because they killed Kanem-Bornu. After picking up two cities from their hapless western neighbor, they’ve refocused to the east, where they’ve already flipped Hamar Weyne multiple times. And unless another civ gets involved or Mogadishu gets its own doom stacks of airplanes, they will likely continue to control it for the foreseeable future. Mogadishu’s capital could even be on the chopping block. But Makeda will need to make sure that if she gets involved in a land vs sea flipfest, that it’s Mogadishu’s coastal cities that are flipping and not her own—and Abu Bakr ibn Umar certainly has thoughts about that, given that his navy is gunning for Qarnawu. So will Saba prevail? I guess we’ll find out!

Orange:

I’m crying sobbing suffering dying PLEASE. T_T T_T T_T

With my emotions out of the way, partially, damn this wasn’t a good episode. The Wahgi went on a spree and there’s still no peace deal in sight. If they can get something off now then they still hold nearly 20 cities and can do well with a strong core in South America. But wew, if they don’t get a peace deal soon… Yeah it’ll be real bloody. I don’t want the Wahgi to be Kulin 2, they don’t deserve to take the rest of Bora’s land, especially with how abysmal they have done at war despite their insane advantage. Bora has held on crazy well, and that’s respectable, and just, so sad that they are the ones facing this loss of their homeland. Pour one out for the greatest, we’re gonna need a lot of alcohol to drown out this pain.

ECH:

Look, you have to commend Mithridates for making a go of something, briefly succeeding even at his goal of eliminating Kanem-Bornu. Unfortunately, he was up against the Grit GOAT, who wasn’t quite ready to die that turn, and thus his prize was lost to Saba in the end. It’s a very Pontus-coded narrative: they did try, and they were a contender, but they just didn’t particularly impress in the end. I mean hey, modern infantry and landships ain’t to be ignored, so they’re far from out of this, but 19th isn’t the great place to be it once was.

Lasqueto:

The Ume Sami were mentioned exactly once this episode, when they got the Manhattan project; the 5th civ to get it interestingly. Then again, their science is decent for a b-lister so it’s not that shocking. Don’t expect nukes to come flying out of Scandinavia anytime soon, because this is like, the most interesting thing they’ve done in 20 parts and I don’t expect that to change anytime soon. Y’all already knew that though. What an absolute nothingburger of a civ.

Cloudy:

Mogadishu stands at a perilous moment. By the end of the next part, they might control the entire coast of East Africa, permanently crippling Saba and securing their place as the third power in Africa. Or, they might be stuck in a horrible naval vs. landlocked flipfest with their capital ground down to one population. Given that the rankers have raised Mogadishu instead of lowering them, most seem to be betting on the former. Certainly it’s important to note that Mogadishu is researching flight and will soon have airplanes of its own, neutralizing Saba’s biggest advantage. But will they come soon enough to give Mogadishu the decisive upper hand? That remains to be seen.

Nathanmasse:

It was a rollercoaster of an episode for Rome.  A surprise declaration by Sierra Leone plunged the Mediterranean and Sahara into war but fortunately Rome was prepared.  A fleet augmented with newly acquired destroyers made quick work of Sierra Leone’s and the combination of planes and cavalry proved quite effective in the flat terrain of the Sahara Desert.  They were even briefly gifted a city by England in a last-ditch effort to keep it out of Faroe Islands’ hands.

Unfortunately, this seemed to only enrage Trondur who declared war on Rome as well.  While there is a little concern because of the tech disparity and the fact the Faroes have quite a few nukes, it seems unlikely that they will be inclined to use them or be able to make much headway in the immediate future thanks to Rome’s complete domination of the western Mediterranean.  

Msurdej:

It wasn't a great part for Thule this week. They lost their Great Lakes Exclave to the Osage, no longer have a good punching bag with Nivkh's elimination, and their attempt to capture a Seneca city ended up failing. Yet, they still go up two ranks? Well, with the aBORAent state Puni's empire is in, and the two front war Trajan now finds themselves in (with one of the combatants a top 3 civ), Javraganak's minor blunders seem tame in comparison.

Leman:

Ndongo is still firmly second fiddle in Africa, but the civ rises a little bit because it seems Ndongo’s rank is inversely related to Sierra Leone’s. Sierra Leone ate shit, so Ndongo gets a few ranks. They didn’t capitalize on Sierra Leone’s failings this time, but who knows, maybe they will soon?

Lasqueto:

Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place, because that’s been Zheng’s situation recently. Granted, the cracks are starting to show in the hard place (Wahgi), who are so far in the hole at this point they’re positively antipodean. This means their science lead is stagnating enough that civs like Goguryeo are on track to eclipse them in a part or so. Unfortunately, Goguryeo happens to be the rock in this idiom, so Zheng’s still as fucked as before. A girl can dream though.

Cloudy:

Latvia still has many vulnerable neighbors like the Finns, Kazan, and Bavaria that they could conquer, which is something a lot of civs in this part of the rankings can’t say. Conquest of some of those civs would easily bring Latvia into the top 10, barring immediate retaliation from someone bigger, but Latvia has been so quiet historically that we’re not really willing to count on those opportunities until we see Latvia take them.

Leman:

Sierra Leone is the most baffling civ. After having several very impressive parts, Sierra Leone decides to absolutely shit the bed against Rome. Statistically, Rome is worse than Sierra Leone in basically every way. And somehow Sierra Leone drops four cities to the Romans. And all four of these cities were lost BEFORE Faroes showed up to ruin Rome’s day, because as soon as the Faroes arrived Sierra Leone decides not to take the Deus Ex Machina but decides to peace out, leaving Rome with all of its gains. I don’t have any words.

Nathanmasse:

Palawa goes for round 2 with Bora-Bora with much more success, making quick work of Bora’s remaining cities along the Antarctic coast.  Not too surprising honestly, now that Bora has been kicked out of their homeland.  I doubt they’ll be able to take anything else, but it still counts as a win.  In other news, they’re going broke next episode which will put a dent in their science output but isn’t big enough to do a great deal of harm yet.

Cloudy:

Singapore maintains its top 10 position despite losing a city to Saba and taking a declaration of war from Goguryeo, but there are good reasons for that. For one, the looming threat of Wahgi is suddenly seeming a little more temporary, for reasons that will be explained in detail in Wahgi’s write-up. Basically, Wahgi’s debt is cratering their science, giving Singapore a chance to catch up. And secondly, Sierra Leone, who was above them, took some severe damage in their war with Rome and has fallen out of the top 10 entirely, making it easier for Singapore to remain there. The only question is, where will Singapore go next? If I were them, I would try conquering Noongar.

Leman:

Mexico rises two spots this week. One is from Sierra Leone getting clowned on by Rome. The second is leapfrogging Singapore, because I’m not really sure.

I’m here to tell you why I don’t get it. Mexico has recently broken and conquered Ecuador (old news at this point) but has failed to convert that new territory into economic power. They are leagues and miles behind their two superpower neighbors of New Holland and Yellowknives and they’re about to gain a third monster neighbor in Wahgi. Mexico has a three-digit production, half that of New Holland, and a quarter of each Yellowknives and Wahgi. They’re 14 technologies behind New Holland. Mexico’s effective science is half of Wahgi’s and Wahgi is bleeding 4000 science in an economic crisis. Mexico’s best stat is Military Manpower and it’s still 20k lower than New Holland’s. (But only if you don’t account for nukes and New Holland has 43).

Mexico does not inspire any confidence in me whatsoever. Hopefully their superpower neighbors stay sleepy and Mexico decides to, like, kill Osage or something.

Msurdej:

In a madladery of things we never expected, New Holland had a very successful cross continent war with Seneca. Taking two of their cities, one through conquest and one through concessions, New Holland now has a foothold in North America. What they'll do with it though, is anyone's guess. With the Wahgi encroaching on South America, The Faroe Islands scraping in Europe, and the Yellowknives having a whole Osage between them, Johan has an option to build an empire if they kill the Seneca or Taino. Rebuilding their conquests in time for an invasion of a weakened Bora-Bora could also be a boon for them as well. They have potential, it's just a matter of how they use it.

Lasqueto:

Nader showed everyone that he’s ready to play with the big boys now by taking on the Selkups. Granted, the two barely shared a front, so this just meant grabbing their cities in the Caucasus, but it was still a resounding success for the Afsharids, who now have complete control over the Caspian. This might not be that strategically important but it does make for some hella satisfying borders. Nader just has to win some wars against Pontus and the Qarms and we’d be looking at a persiawank of never before seen proportions. Alternatively he could take down the Dzungars and collect all 3 Oirats, absorbing their power and becoming the Hyperoirat. Truly, the possibilities are endless.

The Afsharids definitely aren’t comparable to the big 4 yet, but they’re certainly near the top of their weight bracket. There’s still plenty of easy pickings around them too, so if Nader keeps this up he’s definitely a contender for a sleeper superpower. That’s if Wahgi doesn’t turn on them of course.

NopeCopter:

Well… that was a bit of a blunder, huh? After a successful war against Kazan, the Selkups decide to next take the Afshairds down a peg, hoping to cement their own top-tier status while removing a rising star from the competition. Unfortunately, they failed to account for one major issue: too many buffer states. The only Selkup cities bordering the Afsharids were a few disconnected cities Kazan handed over in their recent peace deal, which were undefended and served as easy pickings. The Selkups, despite their tech advantage and plenty of aircraft, really don’t have any hope of getting those back without a couple Citadels or a quick conquest of Bukhara. In the end, those cities weren’t going to be much help anyways, so this was more of an embarrassing hiccup than an actually meaningful loss, and the Selkups keep a perfectly tight hold on 5th place… but the other four top-tiers are never gonna let them live this down.

Orange:

So uh, what’re you doing with all those nukes Akaitcho? You uh, wanna tell us what’s going on? Anything we can do to make you feel better and avoid any temperamental missile launchings? Need your feet massaged? A hot bath prepared? Anything?  Please spare me…

Orange:

The Faroes are really realizing they’ve had the image of a sloth for too long and make another move to shake that idea by attacking Rome. This is all rather annoying because first they attack England, who a lot of people like a lot more, and now Rome, who a lot of people also like a lot more. I for one am really hoping they fuck up their offensive and Rome stands strong. But like, good chance we see Faroese armies in Rome soon. They gotta climb their way back to the top somehow, even if it makes us (me) hate them even more.

Leman:

Wahgi grabs 11 cities this episode, which I think is the most cities gained in a single episode by any civilization so far. (The previous record was seven Bora-Bora and Yellowknives in Ep 29, Singapore in Ep. 32, Selkups in Ep. 34, all grabbing 8.) So, why, after the greatest conquest of the game so far, did we drop Wahgi?

Cause they broke.

Wahgi is dropping 4k gold each turn. And we do not think that this is going to turn around anytime soon. Wahgi has just way, way too many units to pay for to ever restart this economy without Total War. That being said, Wahgi’s science is so good that even with this massive of a deficit, Wahgi is still producing more effective science than civs like Zheng, Selkups and Singapore. So, they’ll probably continue to pick up technologies, but slowly enough that the other superpowers will definitely catch up. Goguryeo is almost there already! So all is not lost, but Wahgi is finally not looking completely invincible.

ECH:

I don’t think I’m alone in viewing Faroes and Wahgi as the two big bullies of this season, the villains everyone hopes gets brought down before they take a dismal victory (apologies to the roughly 10% of people who have one of them first, according to the latest popularity poll, go fill it if it’s still open and you want to). Goguryeo is, at present, the shining star guiding a path out of that dark timeline, and thankfully they’ve taken first place this week as a good omen. That may surprise, given outside of eliminating Nivkh (which I persist in saying truly occurred last week) they didn’t get up to too much.

Well, as I’m sure the two preceding PR write-ups have elucidated (I’m writing this before them), Faroes are steaming towards bankruptcy and Wahgi is bafflingly, overwhelmingly broke already, which spells scientific troubles for the first and has already begun to cause technological doom for the latter. Goguryeo’s economy? Second best Gold per turn in the game (+1,294) and by far the largest treasury (913,888). Even if Gogoryeo had Wahgi’s disastrous -4,139 GPT, it would take 221 turns to reach zero, aka nearly half the game up to this point. The practical result? Goguryeo has nearly caught up to Wahgi’s tech count, 88 to 90, and in fact has grabbed some vital Future Techs before Wahgi for things like: Drone UAVs, Autoplants, Undersea Mining Platforms, Research Servers, etc. Maybe within the next episode we may see Goguryeo actually take the tech lead, at which point it’s on Gwanggaeto to be aggressive and piledrive through the buffer states they have (eyes on Ikko Ikki and Mongolia…).