Power Rankings: Episode 23 – S5
July 13, 2026
Power-Rankers
Abstract
Power Rankings! We rob civs of ranks like FIFA robs countries not named Argentina!
Viewing: Vertical
2: Sumer
NopeCopter:
Mesopotamia is not a good starting location. It just isn’t. Persia isn’t the best starting location either, but Mesopotamia is just a disaster both for the civ in the region and anybody around them. It’s hard to defend, gives up a lot of potential territory in Persia that would be free for a Persian civ (Mesopotamia is much easier to conquer into if someone else settles it), and at best it makes the Central Asian and Indus civs much stronger by virtue of giving them more easily-accessible land, while at worst it does that and then also screws over the Anatolian or, god forbid, Levantine civ as well as the Arabian and quite possibly the Caucasian civ, all at once. It’s a massive shame that so many cool civs start in Mesopotamia, because this is just such an unfortunate balance-breaking start. See Assyria for another example of this going terribly. And Sumer was unfortunate enough to be popular enough to win the vote and be stuck in it.
The test games confirmed that, yes, Sumer was not going to have a good time. While there was some hope early on with a couple of really solid Sumer games before the full roster was unveiled, once they no longer had a corner or two to protect their back and focus their attention they rapidly fizzled out. 6 cities was a good game, 10 was a generational run, and even when they came out on top in the Middle East, they didn’t *really* come out on top. They just couldn’t be bothered to settle or to take advantage of their lazy neighbors. Despite this, the sheer potential power of their Uniques led the Power Rankers to place them in 44th in the Episode 0 Power Rankings, in hopes that this would be the run where they took their early Population bonuses and ran with them.
The first episode was… not reassuring. Rather than settle Persia ahead of the often-expansionist Bactrians, Sumer opted to place their second city in the middle of Arabia and be done with it. Despite this, though, they DID have an incredibly large Capital City, and so they actually rose up the ranks. On top of that, nobody was punishing them with any forward-settles, so it all seemed fine! This general inactivity, though, did spawn the “Hot Sumerian Wife” joke, which posited that Eannatum was simply too busy having kids to bother with anything else. It ended up being a nice bit of characterization for a civ that was otherwise rapidly seeming to lose their luster.
Sumer did eventually wake up in a pretty major way around Episode 3, producing multiple new Settlers and even declaring war on everybody’s favorite punching bag Ma’in, but the war went nowhere in the face of unfavorable terrain, and Pakistan had already plopped down a city right in the heart of Persia. The worst news, however, was that the action was coming to Sumer: the Seychelles, an upstart island power with a foot on the Arabian Peninsula, had declared war. And they knew how to build a military. This was just the start, though: an entire coalition had been brewing against Sumer by this point, and now the dark horse local power Phoenicia was also in on it. Thankfully, Phoenicia turned out to be a bit of a paper tiger, and the Seychellois land forces (while scary) were ultimately routed, but the Sumerians had foolishly settled Eridu on the coast of Oman (allowing Phoenicia to settle northern Persia). The city fell, and Sumer was once again reduced to three cities with rapidly dwindling expansion opportunities. Their ranking, which had already been fluctuating wildly, sank like a stone to 56th as they made peace with Phoenicia and the Seychelles without taking anything from either.
However, it was around this point that Sumer’s resourceful, stubborn nature, first shown at their defense of Uruk, started to become fully known - they wouldn’t simply give up, they could still make something of their position. Their first order of business? Ol’ reliable: picking on Ma’in. Nashan was a frankly useless desert city, but by capturing it, Sumer went from four cities to five, and more importantly, raised their morale significantly. Sumer was small, but they were also a populous civ, and that let them keep their tech count surprisingly competitive. Meanwhile, Phoenicia was folding to the Circassians, giving them a new scary neighbor but also complicating their already-awkward borders even further. Suddenly, Sumer looked kind of defensible. There was even hope that they could capitalize on Phoenicia’s Circassia-induced weakness and make further gains!
Unfortunately, this optimism was cut short as Circassia decided that Sumer was actually a juicier target than Phoenicia and declared war almost as soon as they shared a border. In response, Sumer… declared war on Pakistan, as well. who by this point was a rapidly-developing tall power in their own right. And then also commit most of their forces to the Ma’in front, because they’d never actually made peace. Somehow, this didn’t result in utter collapse, but it did still go pretty poorly. Circassia lost interest just as quickly as they gained it, making peace despite the fact that they’d surrounded Sumer’s capital almost immediately, while Pakistan captured Uruk but struggled to push much further owing to some inconvenient mountains. Then Sumer invalidated that terrain advantage by giving up another city to Pakistan for peace anyways.
This basically killed Sumer’s chances of being even a mid-tier power, and doomed them to the role of a rump state waiting to die. Opinions on Sumer were at an all-time low, and some narrators even dared to suggest that Eannatum’s Hot Sumerian Wife may have come to be disappointed or disinterested in him, or that they were being unfaithful to each other. (Perish the thought!) However, it turned out that Sumer wasn’t quite so willing to roll over and die as expected. Pakistan came knocking again almost as quickly as they’d left, but this actually resulted in them RETAKING their gifted city of Kish and keeping it, restoring the defensibility of their eastern border and letting them show up their tormentor in hilarious (if ultimately mostly irrelevant) fashion. The fact that Pakistan had the second-largest military on the entire cylinder at this point only made this win all the sweeter (even if they shouldn’t have had to retake the city to begin with). There really wasn’t much else for Sumer to do at this point besides try to wear down Ma’in, since Phoenicia had long since recovered, but they sure did try (and fail, but still).
Sadly, this was about as far as Sumer could reasonably go with the tools they’d been given. Ma’in had mountain cover, Phoenicia was too even militarily, and Circassia, Pakistan, and the Seychelles were all obvious no-gos. All they could do from this point was hold on tight, hope to avoid notice, and wait for some opportunity to show itself for them to make like their UU and vulture. Alas, they didn’t make it very far before catching the eye of a major power on the prowl: the Seychelles, fresh off a victory against Ma’in and packing shiny new gunpowder weaponry. Their land carpet was impressive, and Sumer’s military was just okay even for a civ of their size. It seemed like a death sentence.
However, it turned out that this was not, in fact, going to be a one-sided beatdown - rather, it would be the stage for Sumer’s swan song, their final act of shenaniganry to cement themselves as more than just a boring tall civ. For it turned out that Sumer had shockingly good tech, and furthermore, that the Seychelles had no naval access to any Sumerian cities (not that it would have mattered, because Sumer had better ships than the island empire they were fighting). But, more than all of that, Sumer was just better. They just kept breaking the Seychellois advances from southern Arabia, and then launching their own incursions, seemingly just because they could. They never took any cities, of course, and this resulted in their units dying out faster than they otherwise would have, but this wasn’t about victory. It was about sending a message. They held off their opponent for one episode. Then another. Then a third. Even with Cannons, the Seychelles simply could not take an inch. Sumer would not let up. It was glorious.
Unfortunately, the dam finally broke in Episode 22, as the valiant Sumerian defense was shattered by a knife to the back. Circassia’s declaration of war was an existential threat all its own, even before they could do anything, the diversion of forces from the southern front meant that the Seychelles were able to finally push into Ur and capture it. Sumer surrendered their ancient capture of Nashan for peace, a tragic if necessary sacrifice, and hunkered down for another glorious stand against the Circassians. But fate would not grant them this honor, because Sumer did not border two major powers. They bordered three. As the Sumerian troops were slowly worn down by the Circassian advance, suddenly Pakistan launched their own invasion from the east, placing Sumer in a two-front war all over again. And this time, with their sizable army and navy, Pakistan was able to bypass Sumer’s defenses and shatter their core. They took Kish, they sniped Lagash from under Circassia’s nose, and making sure not to give Sumer even one more chance to regroup and become a thorn in their side again, they finished the job by capturing Nibru. Sumer had fallen.
So, in the end, Sumer performed… about as expected. They never held more than about five cities at once, they never cracked the top half of the Power Rankings, and aside from a couple of brief moments, they never even threatened to become a relevant power. Yet, they managed to have a shocking amount of personality. Most obviously, Eannatum’s Hot Sumerian Wife ultimately followed him, through good times and bad, right to the very end, being a running joke throughout the narrations and Power Rankings alike. In fact, they say two heads are better than one - and clearly, the Hot Sumerian Wife was no slouch on the battlefield, either, given Sumer’s final performance. But unlike some civs, Sumer wasn’t simply carried to notability by one fandom gag, either. They were stubborn, they were wily, and they managed to humiliate top-tier powers on multiple occasions. It took the combined efforts of three major civs just to finally take them down, which is a hell of a thing to say about a rump state who just barely avoided the bottom 5. As far as performances for long-awaited CBR civs go, they could have done a lot worse. Maybe they won’t be remembered, but they’ll certainly be a nice little surprise to any future readers and rereaders of this season down the line. Farewell, Sumer. May you and your Hot Wife enjoy each other’s company in the sub for eternity. (But please, do try to keep it down a bit at night.) F.
3: Ponca
Cloudy:
Lads, Lassies, and Sassies, I regret to inform you that it’s so Poncover. The most Poncover it’s ever been, in fact. The only question is, will the mountain fortress hold against the Anishinaabe hordes? Or, to put the same question another way, how close is Pontiac to researching dynamite?
4: Maravi
NopeCopter:
The Maravi manage to live, but they’ve now been reduced to a city-state, with the Herero managing to capture (and burn) everything but their capital. But hey! At least they’re still in a pretty defensible position, the Herero can’t attack for a while, and they no longer have a coastline, so the Seychelles aren’t as much of a threat!Hey, so what’s going on with Luba again?
5: Pegu
Cloudy:
Pegu’s time is coming and we all know it. The once impenetrable fortress of Dagon is now looking rather penetrable, with so many citadels planted nearby that it’s down to 4 pop with barely any tiles left. Either Bangladesh or Yunnan should be able to finish them off, if either declares war. And right now, a lot of civs are declaring war on Pegu, so I would say they’re on thin ice. In fact, in my opinion, they deserve lower than we’ve given them.
6: Ma’in
Cloudy:
Ma’in was the first civ to get rumped, but how late will they die? Well, they outlasted Sumer, and maybe that was the most they could hope for. As long as everyone continues to forget they exist, they’ll keep slowly climbing up the ranks.
7: Karankawa
ItsTruckMonth:
In a cruel twist of fate, the notoriously pathetic Karankawa will likely, and somehow, outlive two of their fellow North American civs, as the Anishinaabe rain down hell on the Ponca. With Hubdon actively being surrounded and the Ponca military falling apart at the seams, it's only a matter of time before Joseph Maria fulfills another successful hate watch.
Why have they lasted this long? Simple: Despite their empire consisting of a measly two cities, one of those cities is strung out all the way out in Greenland, essentially requiring a coalition to put them down once and for all. The perfect insurance move.
That is, until that coalition finally happens, or they’re just whittled down over time. They’re still absolutely fucked.
8: Phoenicia
Leman:
I’m sure Hiram is clenched up watching his neighbor, and all around better civilization, Sumer, get completely eviscerated in one single episode. It kinda goes to show how scrappy Phoenicia has been that even though they have been getting hit from all sides they still have 5 terrible cities, and civs like Sumer are just dead. Good for them I hope they die soon.
9: Xavante
NopeCopter:
They hate to see an underdog winning. Fresh off their victory against Caral, the Xavante now have to face off against not only the Chono, but also the much more threatening Yanomami! The Yanomami advance has been… a bit underwhelming, admittedly, but they have a much better military, a much larger tech count, and basically no obstacles in the way of their advance (because SOMEONE couldn’t resist chopping down a bunch of Jungle). The only hope that the Xavante really have is that the Yanomami keep splitting their forces and basically defeat themselves, because if they can get their hands on some Adderall or something and actually focus for a bit, the Xavante are going to lose a lot more than the one city they already have.
10: Papal States
NopeCopter:
Man, remember Rome? Not Mk. 2 Rome, X4 Rome. Remember their awesome Mediterranean empire, and how they were making plays into the Sahara? Or what about the Normans? They had a pretty nice thing going. Ooh, or what about the Two Sicilies and their stubborn resistance against Germany?Okay, sure, ultimately most of those civs were pretty mediocre (not Rome though, Rome was awesome), but man, even at their worst they still utterly dwarfed whatever the Papal States are doing. They have no future prospects, no potential avenues of expansion, and even their geography isn’t helping because they have a big honkin’ naval power surrounding their dinky little peninsula. And to top it all off, they’re like two turns away from bankruptcy. Maybe next time we should finally vote in another northern Italian civ. Venice was fun.
11: Xaragua
Cloudy:
The most interesting thing that can be said about Xaragua right now is that they’re at war with Xavante, marking the first time in CBR history that two civs whose names begin with the letter X have gone to war. Isn’t that awesome?
12: Wallachia
Semi:
I knew it. I KNEW IT. Vlad does not know how to get through a war without giving away his own cities. This is getting ridiculous at this point.
Oh what’s that? He’s back to being bankrupt too? It really never changes, huh. All that I said about Vlad recovering his position, that he was bad because of a snowball, all to waste.
Aaaaand Wallachia’s still 46th with no change from last week. Who the heck even knows anymore.
13: Green Ukraine
NopeCopter:
For a brief, shining moment, Green Ukraine, the pathetic little rump state, looked like they could have actually taken cities from just about any of their neighbors if they just declared war. Their technology was shockingly good, they had an actual carpet, and none of their supposedly major power neighbors gave a damn. Of course, we all should have known better than expecting Potential Civ to use their potential. The moment has almost certainly passed by now as more and more civs begin to unlock planes and the Itelmen apparently have a military again, so they can safely go back to sleep and continue being the buffer state they already were before this.
14: Yunnan
Shaggy:
Yunnan continues to stabilize among the lower tier civs. Their relative imperviousness gives them a ticket at least through another era or two so long as they don’t make a major diplomatic faux pas, a major risk in this part of the cylinder. Other than Pegu, they don’t have any reasonable expansion prospects. Incurring the warmonger penalty may spell their doom, but at this point what other choice do they have but to keep bubbling up the rankings as other civs fall away faster?
15: Guaycuru
Archimedes :
Things are looking not so hot for Guaycuru, and I’m going to be honest it has been a long time coming. Guaycuru fumbled their start advantages, failed to make inroads against Xavante or Guaycuru early in the game, and is now wasting away. Don’t get me wrong, Guaycuru won’t immediately be eliminated from this game, as they have plenty of cities spread out along the Falklands and in Antarctica, but to finally fall to an endless siege by Potiguara is certainly a nail in the coffin. Perhaps Chono, who seem to have been at good terms with Guaycuru up until now, will finally declare war to finish them off, now that they’ve both citadelled and settled along their south western border.
To give Guaycuru a little bit of credit though, they have managed to pick up some important technological discoveries. Scientific Theory, Imperialism and Manufacturing grant them both the science to continue in this game, the mounted units to hopefully encircle invading forces, and the production to pump out said units. Their stats are not ideal, but they are ultimately one rank better than the invader Felipe’s, and their 418 effective science means they can continue pushing through the tech tree to some form of an answer.
I expect Guaycuru to eventually be eliminated. With Chono proving to be both a competent and aggressive competitor in South America, it’s frankly just a matter of when. But with Xavante also on the cusp of getting eliminated, and both Caral and Potiguara looking really not too great, it perhaps won’t be Guaycuru that is first eliminated out of this bunch. Maybe they have a chance.
16: Hanseatic League
Shaggy:
Hansa rises 2 ranks this week as their stats keep pace with the continent and the Power Ranking team seems relatively confident that they won’t lose anything meaningful against Kalmar. Geography is in their favor defending against a naval invasion and Kalmar has never exactly been the conquering type. We’ll see where the North Sea stands when the dust settles, but I expect it to largely be status quo.
17: Ethiopia
JDT:
Ethiopia remaining at 41st despite Zazzaus complete collapse has stated just about everything needed to be said about them. They’re just kinda cheeks. Despite the advantage, the Ethiopians are not exactly doing a great job pressing into the depleted Zazzau core, continuing with flipfests over Lake Chad. Worse, the Seychelles, an actual good civ, is coming along, and the last time the two fought Ethiopia lost a city via military force despite the Seychelles being pretty bad at war at the time. Of course, pushing into the mountains is a lot easier said than done. But if Seychelles can put a modicum of competence through their forward operating base, things can go pretty badly for Ethiopia pretty quickly.
18: Bactria
Shaggy:
Bactria defiantly tests the edge of the 40s, rising off of consistency more than improvement. They benefit from their neighbors not being able or having the inclination to truly breach their borders. The natural defenses of their empire make the Kipchak and Pakistani angles as the only vulnerabilities. Sarai will likely hold if Scythia keeps funneling units into the meat grinder. Reinforcements are readily available and neither of their real threats are looking threateningly at them.
19: Vyatka
Archimedes :
Locked in an eternal struggle after being relegated to irrelevancy, Vyatka continues their crusade against the Bjarmians, forever trading cities until the end of time. With little to no prospects, little to no hope, and little to no supporters cheering them on, I fail to see how they can make a difference in this game. And frankly, it’s devastating to say, as someone who ranked Vyatka as #1 in episode 0 of the power rankings. Vyatka had the sauce, the position, and the unique abilities to carry them through this game, but it never really quite turned out right.
Vyatka can blame a lot of their current issues on the Scythian invasion, an event that has frankly plagued both civs with instability and issues. Now, stuck in the frozen north, Vyatka has low production output in their cities, and lacks the growth that could drive any decent amount of science. With only 39 techs to their name, they are decidedly behind the curve with most other civs well positioned in the 40s and up. How they’re managing to continue their assault on the Bjarmians is a matter of pure grit against a greater foe, and for that I can continue to cheer them on. I expect though that any warring the two states are doing against each other is merely grinding both of them down, making them softer and easier targets for the likes of Estonia or Scythia in the future.
So, expect that more of these city flips will occur between Vyatka and the Bjarmians. Expect that more units will be ground into dust, scattered on the winds of the frigid north. And expect that both of these civs will make for a wonderfully cold addition to whoever swoops in at a later date. Expect nothing more out of Vyatka, for their game is essentially done.
20: Caral
ItsTruckMonth:
The Anti-Caral Coalition seems to be winding down as the wayward colonies of the Itelmen and Teotihuacan present the only viable threats to Caral’s empire. That said, the damage has already been done: they’re down to a mere 7 cities remaining, and their stats have been completely shredded by the war, with their tech count being the only thing that can present some sort of pride in Qhapaq’s once great nation.
That tech advantage may be able to give Caral some last breaths of life when holding out, but their ambitions have been dashed: now sitting idly by until the Chono or Yanomami decide to put them out of their misery.
21: Zazzau
Cloudy:
My hope is that this is, for now, Zazzau’s nadir. Yes, they lost everything they ever took from Ethiopia, but they lost it TO Ethiopia, a civ they’ve beaten before and could beat again. They made peace with Luba, freeing up troops to counterattack, and they actually recaptured Fatika off-screen just before the end of the episode. And their biggest threat, Aures, remains as sleepy as ever. So I have hope that Zazzau will now reverse their losses and punish Ethiopia for their arrogance. But at the same time, Amina remains intensely vulnerable, and it will take a miracle to recover her peak ranking.
22: Potiguara
Msurdej:
Break out the Amazonian champagne chaps! Potiguara have not only captured Catu, their long desired conquest, but also grabbed the city of Sombrero Negro! This boosted Potiguara's city amount by 33%, and gave them some decent boosts in production and population that will only grow as those cities recover from the war.From here, Camarao can either push for the capital, or head south and try to take the coast. The coast is better defended, but there's more opportunities for conquest. But the capital is the capital. Whatever choice Potiguara makes, they should be cautious. Chono outclasses them in every regard, and conquering your way to the Chono border sounds like a great way to invite Chono to invade you.
23: France
ItsTruckMonth:
Ever since his fumbled invasion of Hansa, Robespierre has been dead silent, and not in a good way. They now sit below average in terms of stats and boast some absolutely mediocre science numbers (hell Hansa is outteching them right now).
Robespierre has exhausted all of France’s easy outs. There is another shot via jumping on the Hansa hate train and seeking redemption, but do they honestly have the guts for it? (But hey, at least they got their fancy National Guard unit I guess).
24: Kipchaks
Semi:
The Kipchaks appeared once this week, declaring war with Ket on Estonia. This is good news, as it means Ket will continue to like Kipchaks (hopefully) and not declare war on them (hopefully).
In the meantime, Togortak just chills out and slowly climbs up the rankings as more civs continue struggling and looking worse while his empire remains the same as it’s ever been: a well-carpeted steppe empire with threats and options surrounding it. Nothing to be ashamed of here.
25: Bjarmians
ItsTruckMonth:
Fellas, something may have actually Bjappened…
Bjarmia has finally found itself in the top half of the stats this season. Now, granted, this could be due to some empires being shredded over time, as their stats honestly aren’t anything to gloat over, and they don’t possess an overwhelming enough edge over their neighbors to really pull off anything amazing. Their current war with Vyatka has them holding a large edge, but with difficult terrain and most of Bjarmia’s forces stationed in the East, they’re likely not due for much.
So yeah, I lied: Nothing Ever Bjappens.
26: Hyksos
Shaggy:
Hyksos, oh Hyksos. You could be so much better. At this point you could even be a regional power! Africa is level enough that properly deploying their military southward could yield some amazing benefits for Hyksos. That being said, this is actually their highest rank yet this season. Their steady rise over the last few episodes have rocketed them in sight of the top half of the field. Some civs starve for prospects and declare desperate wars anyway, Hyksos is the spoiled child who has every choice in the world and refuses to take any of them. Why build those units if you won’t use them?
27: Umhaill
Archimedes :
Has Umhaill done anything recently? They’ve really fallen off in recent episodes, looking distinctly behind their more powerful counterpart Scotland. Taking a look at the British isles, you can see how Scotland with their Galleons, Cannons, and Skirmishers are a class above Umhaills Carracks, Trebuchets and Crossbowmen. For a civ that made such inroads into conquest in the first bit of the game, and some cheeky settling in North America in the middle, they’ve certainly stagnated in this later half.
And Grace has shown to be very middle of the pack in her statistics, in addition to her inaction. Her production and science stands unimpressively, and her current lack of gold is incredibly troublesome. That -103 gpt is going to be stripping her empire of units faster than they can be auctioned off to pay her debts, at a rate that would make Wallachia jealous. After that period of losing units, I’m guessing Umhaill will look ripe for an invasion, and Scotland happens to have a well positioned army at the ready to do just that.
Maybe we’ll see Umhaill invade just to solve their debt problems. Maybe a bit of piracy and city plundering will fix that insolvency. Or maybe Grace is positioning herself at the cusp of total empire collapse, lacking a military in a few turns to protect herself against whoever may choose to invade. Time will tell. And maybe this will be the moment that catalyzes Scotland as the premiere pick for the European arena.
28: Onondaga
NopeCopter:
Yeah, the Onondaga are out of this game, make no mistake. Last episode’s war was their perfect opportunity, and they blew it. Even if their terrain is favorable enough (and their neighbors incompetent enough, apparently), they just don’t have a way to expand. Even Scottish Greenland, once a reasonable target, is now being reinforced by Galleons. They’re kind of rebuilding, but they’re still not looking great, and they weren’t even looking that good before the war. Oh, and it’s mostly Knights they’re building. Tough luck, Onondaga, maybe next time build a better unit composition (and don’t just give up five turns in).
29: Kalmar Union
ItsTruckMonth:
Kalmar wakes up and decides that Hansa’s bordergore is simply too unsightly for the empire’s eyes, promptly declaring war on them. Now, on the surface, Kalmar looks in quite a good state to make some meaningful gains: a vastly superior navy, plenty of border cities (including the Hansa capital), as well as the exclave of Rakvere, all prime for the taking.
Unfortunately, opening up the hood leaves a lot to be desired for good ol’ Margarethe. Kalmar isn’t exactly overwhelming its opponent's military, given a 3,000-troop advantage and being behind Hansa in techs. Not to mention, the terrain around Hamburg and Rakvere is going to make what should be an easy campaign a solid headache for them.
That said, it's likely now or never for Kalmar. The options are starting to run thin, and Scotland looks more and more menacing by the episode. If Margarethe wants to keep this window of contention open, she’s gotta act now.
30: Luba
Leman:
Luba kicked off a war with Herero this episode which, probably going to go a lot better than their ongoing war with Seychelles. Luba is a full era ahead of their southern neighbor with Line infantry over muskets. So hopefully they’ll manage to grab an inland city to offset their coastal losses of Kamina and maybe Makhamba to Seychelles.
31: Estonia
Leman:
Honestly I just want to quote the narration. “Wow, look, Estonia and Kalmar made peace. Wow, look, it accomplished nothing.” “Acomplished nothing” is almost Estonia’s motto but hey I think they’re still riding high from taking Rostock last episode after 3 wars.
32: Portugal
Semi:
Portugal’s little climb back to relevance stabilizes in the back half of the 20s, as Joao for all his good is still just kind of…there. Portugal has numerous small island cities scattered around the Atlantic. These are good if you value city count. These are not good if you value production (below Zazzau & Wallachia) or Effective Science (below Onondaga and Kipchaks, tied with Green Ukraine).
That being said, they aren’t going to struggle anytime soon. Aures and France are the only two powers with whom Portugal shares any real border, and somehow both have fallen asleep at the wheel. France completely failed their breakout-via-Scotland-and-Hansa attempt, and so are doomed to low mediocrity, while Aures haven’t done anything for what feels like 150 turns (I checked: the war with the Papal States ended 148 turns ago). Perhaps, thus, there’s a way for Joao to find a way back into this game. Transatlantic invasion a la Vandals, perhaps?
33: Herero
Msurdej:
Herero holds at 25th place, as they complete their war with Maravai. Sure they didn't get the kill, and sure they burnt Quelimane to the ground, but it was still a solid win for the forces of Jacob Morenga. What will be a much harder war to have a solid victory in is the new war started this epis-No the not Potiguara war, that doesn't count (Probably). The war against Luba is very much in the favor of Luba at the moment, with the purple team having a 5k lead in military power over Herero. Sure the Seychelles are helping the fight, but the lion's share of the war will be fought on Herero's doorstep. And if Luba extends its reach, it could quickly spell disaster for Herero.
34: Qara- Khitai
Msurdej:
Qara-Khitai got two mentions in this episode. Both did not actually feature the civ in question. This should tell you a lot about how excited we are about Qara-Khitai.
35: Bangladesh
Semi:
Here in the US, the War of 1812 is celebrated as a victory. We defeated the British, reestablished our rights, but had the White House burned down. In Britain, it’s an afterthought, as they were busy fighting Napoleon at the time.
I imagine on the cylinder it’s somewhat similar. The churches in Dhaka have bells celebrating the recapture of Hongsawatoi and control over the Bay of Bengal, even though Cumilla was burned down. Meanwhile in Lanfang, everyone’s a bit busy panicking over the New South Welsh invasion.
36: Bunuba
Archimedes :
The most impactful thing Bunuba was able to accomplish this episode was joining the ranks of Autocratic civilizations along the cylinder, something that will put them into good graces with their biggest threat, New South Wales. It won’t of course be an assured protection, as both Bunuba and New South Wales have been at each other's throats since the outbreak of this game, but perhaps we will find a newfound begrudging acceptance blossoming between the two civs.
And Bunuba certainly needs whatever help they can get. Statistically Bunuba is sitting at 19th overall, a far cry from their early scientific and production rich days in the beginning of this game. Their effective science of 605 is merely half of the top scientific power of this game, and 2/3rd of the majority of the upper echelon. Their scientific wonders have done them no good at this stage of the game, and they still lack Scientific Theory to give them a proper boost into the technologically relevant part of this game.
Bunuba is actually on their way to researching a key technology for their game, and not in a positive way. Recently picking up Flintlock, Bunuba is about two or three technologies away from grabbing Dynamite, a tech that will render their Great Wall useless. With New South Wales already 5 techs ahead, and sporting a much more advanced land military than Bunuba, the loss of the great wall will render Bunuba devastatingly open to invasion, as the Australian outback is clear and open for an invading army to push in. And, if Bunuba ever tried to push through to NSW lands, the unique pasture citadel issue will surely stop them in their tracks, as it has time and time again.
Bunuba is in a tough spot, lacking certain key technologies and on their way to other technologies that could spell the doom for their empire. Their keen ideology pick will keep them hopefully in good graces with their neighbours for a bit longer, but they need to push hard to update their empire into the modern age, and maybe pick up an ally to coalition one of their neighbours. Cebu could be a juicy target, with all of the war malus they’ve picked up being an active member of this game, but would Lanfang or New South Wales consider working with Jandamarra? I’ll leave that up to you as the reader to answer.
37: Mysore
Leman:
Mysore has good stats. That much is true. But after getting kind of roughed around by New South Wales and completely eclipsed by Pakistan the PRs I think Mysore just isn’t looking good. Like on paper I really like theym, but until Mysore rampages through Bangladesh I kind of think they’re a little cursed to be Pakistan’s lunch ten episodes down the line. They put up a good fight but I think the curse of South India strikes again.
38: Circassia
Orange:
Pakistan comes in to steal not just the kill but the whole damn conquest. Honestly I think their best bet is to go attack Wallachia again and hope Wallachia offers a city up in peace like they’ve done to France/Hanseatic League/Hyksos. Circassia’s in an interesting position cause they’re decently in terms of strength but their geographic position is just, so ass. Caucasus Mountains, Black Sea, Zagros Mountains, Caspian Sea, and the Eastern Med. Like this all makes them decently defensible, but also makes it real hard for them to break out.
39: Cebu
ItsTruckMonth:
The cylinder’s resident DAWG is in somewhat of a pickle as of now. Following minimal losses in their war against both Lanfang and Japan, they pull out of the war with one of the more impressive militaries in the region. That said, they still sit in a region chock full of sure contenders and arguable contenders, and outside of their military, they boast somewhat mediocre stats in comparison.
Not that I doubt the absolute mad lad that is Humabon, but if these DAWGS wanna get out of their cage, they may need to start getting opportunistic. Perhaps maybe paying their Malay neighbor a visit in the midst of their ongoing war?
40: Scythia
Msurdej: Well this epi- ATTENTION POWER RANKINGS! THIS SLIDE HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THE SCYTHIAN ARMY COCK BLOCK CORPS. ANY ATTEMPTS TO HAVE AN INTERESTING WAR OR DIALOGUE WILL BE COCK BLOCKED. PLEASE CONTINUE ONWARD, OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO COCK BLOCK YOU AS WELL. JUST LIKE WE COCKBLOCKED ESTONIA AND THE KALMAR UNION.
41: Scotland
Shaggy:
Scotland didn’t do a whole lot this episode and drops a rank due to simply maintaining stats while another civ performs a bit better.
42: Japan
Shaggy:
Japan didn’t do a whole lot this episode and drops a rank due to simply maintaining stats while another civ performs a bit better.
43: Yanomami
Shaggy:
Yanomami, while being statistically similar to Scotland and Japan, moves up 2 ranks on the heels of a relevant invasion of Xavante. After dunking on Marimbu, Yanomami has decided to add insult to injury by lobbing cutting social critiques and diss tracks at their opponent with the help of Tupac Shakur. A bold strategy given Xavante’s historically strong musical focus. I’m sure they have a deep tradition of musical conflict. Maybe Yanomami is just trying to beat them at their own game.
44: Aures
Cloudy:
The longer the Aures go without doing anything, the lower they slide. They haven’t been in the top 15 in production or military for several episodes, and while they’re still 10th in science, their city populations are so low that I don’t see how that’s sustainable. So this is now the lowest they’ve been since episode 0, and we have to start asking, where is the floor?
45: Lanfang
Orange:
So Lanfang’s in a two front war but they have plenty of ships and *should* be able to handle things well, this is gonna be tough though. Luo is probably gonna be hoping that Macarthur is too drunk for war, which, you know fits with their track record so far. Though I will point out, despite Bangladesh not having frigates yet so they aren’t much of a problem, they do somehow have more production than Lanfang, for how much their civ focuses on production (and social policies), they sure do seem to be lacking in production (and social policies).
46: Susquehannock
Orange:
Well the Anishinaabe war didn’t go anywhere, and they got blocked from any gains against Ponca, so the next steps would be Onondaga or Xaragua. We’re all just waiting for them to pick their target and go for it. Though it would be funny if they instead choose Teotihuacan and get Copano instantly taken from them. But for now, they just continue to keep up, not quite at the top, but strong enough to not have any real threats.
47: Itelmen
JDT:
I’m willing to call it around here folks - the Itelmen might be our next Potential Civ. While yes, that moniker is never truly getting stripped from Green Ukraine, and we have other notorious fellas such as Qara Khithai and Mysore on the Potential Civ watchlist, Itelmen have not really been doing too much in spite of their excellent stats. Part of that is because their region is really tough to contend around. Aside from Potential Civ, all of Itelmen’s expansion routes require fighting a top 20 power, assuming they actually go ahead and kill Potential Civ. All of them are fairly militarized, with Rouran having the biggest army on earth and Tlingit and Tang being perennial monsters. And where does this leave Itelmen? Kinda stuck, with one real potential play.
Said play is simple - invade Japan while they are distracted. Of course, this is easier said than done. No matter what, they will have to go island hopping against a civ that is all things considered, fairly competent, and which will have homecourt advantage. But they did manage to cement themselves as a decent civ through that first invasion of them. So, what will it be Itelmen? Fraudulence or glory?
48: Teotihuacan
Archimedes :
Damn it. Damn it all to hell.
I gotta say that it’s a rough watch to see Tlingit slowly but surely burning their way through Teotihuacan. Both of these civs are favourites of mine, so to see them at each other's throats is devastating to the morale. And even more so, knowing that Tlingit will in fact wear down Teotihuacan eventually is even rougher to know. But, all is not lost for our plucky mesoamerican city state. Teotihuacan still has a lot of spunk in their step, and I’m here to tell you exactly how they can get back into this game.
Despite being worn down by the top competitor in this game, Teotihuacan is still well within the top 10 in the statistics department. Their production is at a very respectable 762, able to pump out units to stem the tide of Tlingit’s gunpowder empire flooding in from the north. And, unlike the former competitor Pomo, Teotihuacan is actually utilizing their science, bringing gunpowder units of their own to bear against these foreign invaders. To be fair, musketmen and cannons are not too much of a match against riflemen, skirmishers, and the newly fielded line guns and cavalry, but it is at least a respectable effort that Teotihuacan is pushing back with here.
Defensively, Teotihuacan actually has a perfectly made choke point to funnel the numerically superior Tlingit through, as the Rockies and the Sierra Madres create a rough and arduous approach to these southern lands, and Shetqale is perfectly positioned as a bulwark against the flood of units. The city of Bida’miwina, conquered by Cebu an age ago, also acts as a bulwark against any naval incursions. Tlingit will have to work hard to push through these lands, in an area that I was terrified to think about not 5 or 10 episodes ago when contemplating a Teotihuacan invasion of Pomo.
Though Teotihuacan is currently fielding musketmen against this driving force, they are actually fairly technologically advanced. They have picked up Flintlock of their own at the start of the past episode, and are now currently working on Rifling, bringing them up at least to parity when it comes to military technology. They’ve also just picked up Fortification, unlocking Field Guns for their own city bombardment, and heavier fortifications to protect their cities. These military advancements don’t have to be used purely in defense, as reports from spies say that Susquehannock is considering an invasion, and Teotihuacan has a vastly superior force present on the border of these two nations. A heavy push of navy could easily capture cities in the American South, and then these new technologically superior units could push into Susquehannock lands.
The recently picked up Autocracy could help with this as well, fueling the war machine with additional happiness, additional unit production, and additional experience to newly fielded troops. Teotihuacan currently has 54 floating happiness, already a solid amount of bandwidth to capture cities and hold them against either Tlingit, Susquehannock, of even Karankawa who is still nestled up against Teotihuacan’s northern border. With additional policies from the Autocracy tree, Spearthrower Owl could open up even more happiness flexibility, allowing them to control all of the bottom of North America, and maybe even conquering into the Caribbean or into Yanomami lands. The world is truly Teotihuacan’s oyster as they continue to pump science into their military machine, and with a well timed peace deal with Tlingit to reconsolidate their lands, Teotihuacan has the army and the will to push into and conquer even more new lands.
Some might read this and call me too optimistic, as Teotihuacan has been ground away slowly by the omnipresent shadow of Tlingit. But don’t get it twisted, Spearthrower Owl still is and will be a worthy competitor in this game. They still have the might, the production, the science and the heart to pull through and conquer their way to a solid empire that can contend in the top 5. And, once rifling is done, Teotihuacan will be on route to Biology and then Flight, potentially the second of the continent to be able to do so. With the power of Bombers on the horizon, don’t quite discount Teotihuacan from this game. They still have what it takes.
49: Seychelles
Archimedes :
Seychelles continues to show their dominance over Aures by invading Luba in Africa, pushing their way to gain more footholds into the continent that will ultimately become their stronghold. With a very solid naval fleet, sporting Galleons and Frigates, it’s only a matter of time before Luba’s coastal ports are claimed and secured. But does Seychelles have what it takes to continue pushing inland? Or can Luba actually stand in their way.
Take a look at Seychelles stats, and it paints a pretty hopeful picture. Their civ has managed a very solid 659 production, quite respectable for a civ that has a majority of coastal island cities. Their effective science is actually fairly lacking for this sort of situation, sitting at merely 638, with 54 techs researched. A touch shy of the 975 and 61 techs of their northern neighbour Pakistan, but very respectable for all accounts. Their armies are definitely focused towards a naval biased, but with enough units to push and a decent slew of production to renew them, expect Seychelles to push into at least Luba, if not into Ethiopia as well. And their 74 excess happiness means they have plenty of open space to conquer and convert cities to their side, leaving a high threshold of potential conquering they can accomplish.
But, notice a few details that maybe show Seychelles isn’t quite up for the task of African domination. Attacking into Luba with musketmen is perhaps not the smartest idea, when Luba themselves are sporting Line Infantry. And, Luba is notably a civ that has really come to be known as a party pooper, stopping potentially game swinging invasions in their tracks. With both Ethiopia and Luba teaming up once more to stop an invader, Seychelles might not actually make many gains in this war, besides one or two cities on the eastern African coast that could flip back and forth for many turns. Seychelles at least has managed to pick up both Scientific Theory and Industrialization, two key technologies that will let them both produce an excess of science, and pump out plenty of units to refresh any that may die. But, will it be enough?
I ultimately think Seychelles will come out on top, and I hope beyond every hope they can push through Ethiopia and beat Aures to the punch. Grabbing the Ethiopian city of Roha would certainly be a prize, as the Statue of Zeus would make any conquering much more of a breeze. But, expect that city to take a while to conquer, whether it be this war or the next or the one even after that. Seychelles still has a lot of work to do before they can make it that far inland, and that’s with the hope that neither Pakistan nor New South Wales decide that maybe Eastern Africa would make a delectable prize.
50: Anishinaabe
Semi:
After a near-disaster war with Susquehannock and Onondaga last episode, Pontiac opts for easier prey in the form of Ponca. With Cannons, Lancers, and Cuirassiers bearing down, Hubdon should fall early next episode. The only question, thus, is can Wain-Xude hold on? My completely uneducated guess would be yes, as Anishinaabe don’t have planes and the approach to the Cylinder’s facsimile of Helm’s Deep is as bad as ever.
But who knows? If they were able to take the city, it would serve as a key fortress on the front in any war with Tlingit.
51: Rouran
Semi:
A rough episode for Rouran, as their chances of being able to take on Tang are massively hurt by Taizong’s acquisition of Flight and ballooning Effective Science. That being said, it’s not all bad. As of now, Rouran has the largest army on the cylinder by a fair margin, and their science and production are still top 5. It’s just…we’re hoping they’re not Qara Khitai 2: Missing the Window. And to me, at least, it seems like this wriggling train is headed straight there.
52: Ket
Archimedes :
Ket has got to be one of the most boring competitors in this game, and yet they continue to dominate in the top tier, boasting high science, high production, high city count and absolutely absurd city strength. But, with the advent of flight making its way onto the scene, will Ket continue to stay at the tippy top? Or are we beginning to witness the downfall of their so assured spot on the upper echelon of the ranking list.
I’ve noticed it very slowly but very surely, that Ket’s inactivity is certainly costing them. Statistically, Ket was a civ that was hovering around the top 5s, but has slowly crept their way down to the bottom of the top 10, sliding under neighbours like Tang, Rouran, and Pakistan. Their great production is no longer top tier, their science is strong but not the best, and their city count is dwarfed by the likes of Tlingit and New South Wales. Their population has suffered and their food surplus is currently in the negatives, meaning that somewhere there are cities starving. They’ve hit a population plateau that is likely due to the poor land they inhabit, with frost and snow and tundra and pine dominating their workable land. Their Unique Ability is the only thing that really could assist them now, with both their Unique Units outclassed at this point of the game, but the food granted by their Bagos Sorcery requires them to go to war with a neighbour, something they haven’t done in hundreds of years.
And that sleepiness might be the ultimate downfall of Ket in the long run. Their cities are at 99 combat strength, but with flight on the horizon, bombers will surely strip away city defence. Nuclear weapons are soon to come, and Ket has not managed to push into productive, food rich land to be able to compete with that. Ket is a defensive powerhouse, but foreign religions threaten to push into their lands, something that will slowly and surely strip every city of their defensive bonuses. And then Ket will be left with nothing, a top 5 civ reduced to mediocrity by their neighbours that actually put in the effort.
Ket will survive, don’t get me wrong. Ket will be a top 10 civ, by merit of their defensive abilities. But Ket will have played too safe of a game to really make an impact. And then Ket will die, to someone who gave it their all.
53: NSW
Msurdej:
Well this certainly is a scuff episode for NSW. After a war with Mysore led to... mixed results on a good day, NSW has decided to attack Lanfang. Sure, Lanfang is distracted with a war with Bangladesh, but when a top 5 power attacks a non- top 5 power, you'd expect more wins than just... a city flipping a few times? Yeah, sorry John. Maybe you can get better next episode, but that's a loss of rank for now. Especially because #4 is...
54: Pakistan
Shaggy:
Ok, I am now officially scared of Pakistan. I personally didn’t rank them in the top 5, but I understand the arguments for it and they are somewhat compelling. Top of the line tech, an armada that dwarfs that of any other civ’s in the region, a neighborhood filled with incompetents and posers just waiting to be conquered, and now they’ve demonstrated their bloodthirstiness with the complete destruction of Sumer. And on top of all that, their UA coupled with their tendency to actually spread their religion poses the greatest existential threat to Ket on the cylinder. Oh, and they have aircraft now. While some civs still struggle to turn a bow sideways and give it a trigger, Pakistan has mastered the basics of aviation. The biggest problem with that is that their cities are so big that they’ll have to put the airports way way way out there and traffic is going to be a bear.
55: Chono
Orange:
Chono may have waited too long to go after Guaycuru, their bordergore buddy is finally falling to Potiguara’s assault and they’re just, letting it happen. Obviously some Guaycuru cities are solely within Chono’s domain but like, the capital? Those coastal cities which are Guaycuru’s best cities? Going to Potigara at this rate. Well, at least Potiguara would also roll over and die to Chono, so it’s not that much different. They still have stupid good stats and a pretty uncontested continent so they get to keep their spot in the top three.
Oh and they are at war with Xavante, forgot about that. Maybe they will nab something there.
56: Tang
Msurdej:
Tang was the first recorded civ to have the power to fly, and they wasted no time in building a fleet of planes. 24 planes are now stationed across half a dozen Tang cities, ready to make a play should they need to. All thanks to their big brain science gains, keeping them ahead of the pack. While the empire is at peace (they peace'd out with Pegu), they must be cautious. Rouran must be itching to use that massive army they have. And if war breaks out, the few units Taizong has defending the empire will be ill equipped to defend the waves of Rouran soldiers. And while planes may be powerful, they alone cannot win a war. Will Taizong crank out more units if it comes to a true war? I think we all know the answer to that... MAYBE
57: Tlingit
Msurdej:
While there's a little more deviation in the rankings, the Tlingit continue to lead the pack. While they haven't fully pulled away from Tang in stats, the former Pomo cities are starting to come back online. This has led to Sheiyksh's tech starting to claw its way back towards the top (though they have a LONG way to go to close the 450+ science gap between them and Tang), and retake the top spot in Production. Sure they don't have the largest army any more, but it's still bigger than it started this episode. Plus, Tlingit is the first civ in the Americas with the power of Flight, with one plane spotted at Co'Kadjal. The war with Teotihuacan continues to be a meatgrinder, but that is only to Sheiyksh's favor. Especially if bombers begin to fill the skies...
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