Episode 10: Ménage à Troi – S1

Hello and welcome back to Seabricks! This is your narrator for this week, power ranker and the Delete Brazil modding team’s community administrator, Timrtabor123 inviting you back into the crazy world of the cylinder! Scissor_Fingers, PR, modder, and part time dev, will be taking over later during the part!

Our OC spotlight this week is a quirky little historical account of the Scottish-Manx peace deal by Bulletproof Cookie. Learn to read kids!

Here we have the amazing Lore Map created by LacsiraxAriscal and wthrudoin. This map has been painstakingly compiled to form a historical narrative of what life on the cylinder is really like.

Coiot: Really recommend viewers to look through it all in detail. wthrudoin is quite the lore-master, and Lacs has now included citadels as well. Load it up on your browser for after this episode.

Kekrops brings us a new type of map this week. This type tracks wars on the Cylinder using arrows.

Sigh Uruguay is once again top in the rankings.

Venezuela attempts to retake It’s ill-advised Cuban colony. Meanwhile, in the background, we can see a rather large Iroquois navy suspiciously close to Haiti’s Floridian holding.  Could Hiawatha be planning something?

Having had his entire nation effectively reduced to rubble by Poverty Point, Metis, and the Iroquois. Mackenzie King decides to rebuild by taking a valuable Yupik maple trading outpost in the great northern tundra.

Author’s note: India and Nepal has also signed a peace agreement as we can see on the sidebar.

Sulu uses its unique trireme the proa (and a swordsman) to attack Pathein. Between the small naval force and amount of nearby Taungoo melee units that could flip it back I don’t expect this to go anywhere.

Oman and Maratha declare war on one another. With the Marathan navy distracted in the South China Sea(ish) area and the Omani navy being rather small I don’t expect much to come of this.

The Murri settlement of Gunnedah is settled near the faith based Urlulu natural wonder.   An Australia settler retreats in disappointment as many profane words can be heard in a faint mumble. Also can we take a moment to appreciate Papua’s power play of owning Bob Hawke’s hometown of Perth?

Enrico Dondalo uses his powerful unique unit to siege Omar’s coastal desert fortress of Derna.The blind merchant has been doing surprisingly well for a civ that likes to fumble right out the gate in AI games but one can’t help but wonder if he is risking a war with the Moors and thus losing Morano with all these naval power plays.Taking cities does incur a diplomatic penalty afterall.Author’s note: Vikings and the Sami declare peace.

Maratha’s southern coastal cities grow large enough to claim a tile in Sri Lanka. Oh, and the Seljuks have the Maldives now...yeah that is weird.

Someone tell Ryoma this isn’t Civ 4. He doesn't need to claim Taiwan before industrialisation to get a historical victory. That being said it certainly doesn't hurt to have a southern China holding and with the decently strong naval force (and small amount of Cantonese naval units) this doesn't look like a holding that will fall easily.

The Viking peace deal awhile back leads to a Sami capture of a city near IRL Lappland. Apparently Eadni has taken up arson as a hobby. Verna,Atilla and Shi Huang must’ve been giving her tips during the submarine’s knitting club.

Author’s note: I apologize to our Swedish and/or Sami viewers if I get the geography here wrong.

Canada continues to pelt the Yupik trading post with attacks. A settler can also be spotted near Calgary! Can’t say they aren’t trying at least!Author’s note: Selknam got a wonder ...Nan Mandol no,really they got the lovecraftian horror island as a wonder I didn’t make this up, I swear. Surprise aside it buffs the coastal city it’s built in by giving sea tiles 1 gold,food,and production when worked(at least this is the part most relevant to a royale setting they also get an assortment of culture buffs).

Qin constructs the fort tile improvement on its Taungoo border. The Cantonese unit most likely to take back Macau doesn't look long for this world. Tis’ not a pirate's life for them.

Author’s note: Vikings vs Scots hype! Oh, and a Qing settler is around the Philippines. Neat!

While we can see a rather status quo image of the Oman-Palmyra.war. The real story here is on the notification bar. New Zealand V Tonga! (Oh, and a peace treaty involving Moors and HRE. Damn this new emperor is weak sauce. #BismarkTerm2For800AD!)

HRE and Viking navies surround Scotland. I expect the great wall to keep them out but cool to see the Canute vibes the civs are giving off by storming Britain.

The Moors have successfully held onto the HRE city known as Cologne. This city will make fighting war with the germanic civ much easier in the future for Abd-ar-Rahman III due to its status as a pathway to the empire’s core.

With the narrow pathways to Tonga’s core, bad AI naval path finding being an issue that strikes often, and Seddon’s small navy New Zealand could botch this war in my honest opinion.

Derna is now in the red. Not a great sign for the colonial era independence activist.

Koyah’s conquest of the Yupik seems to be going well. The Aleuts tribes in the area that pledged loyalty to Apanuugpak in exchange for protection should be subjected to his rule in a mere few turns. Babylonian spies are giving us word that rumors have started spreading in the village of a fabled successor to the great ice king. A ceremonial rule in Yupik society believed to have existed in previous cycles of the world.The kings name? Agugux.

Being dissatisfied with the rule of Sakamoto Ryoma the people of Macao have taken to developing their own liberation front to reclaim the city for Ching Shih.

Dondalo naval invasion fails.You may notice a certain oceanic player making another power move if you look at the side bar...

You’re losing to Tonga of all civs. Really? Given how small the attacking navy was on this theature’s previous slide and how close this city is to Tonga’s core I think it’ll fall.

While the mainland is the boring ol’ meat grinder you’d come to expect from a Kuiriko centric war. The ocean surrounding the the two amazon dwellers boasts a mildly interesting development: Uruguay is following of IRL Courland’s footsteps of being an unlikely colonizer of Trinidad.

A messenger arrives in the court of Mackenzie King, “King King, urgent news!”King King saw the young lad and gave him permission to speak.

“General Pearson reports success in taking the trading outpost of Kassigluq! We have triumphed!”

Confused, King King incredulously replied, “Wait you guys thought I was serious about taking city? I was just joking!”

Eadni demands tribute in fire from her new subjects acquired from the Goths peace treaty(that knitting club? Was an elaborate front for an arson themed cult). The Goths soldiers pour gasoline on them selves , light a match, and chant a song to honor the city of Baiyara with tears on their face:I fell into a burnin' ring of fire

I went down, down, down

And the flames went higher

And it burns, burns, burns

The ring of fire, the ring of fireLegends say that the fire was used to bake cookies for all of Eadni’s “wonderful grandkids”!

Frog Lake is besieged by the Apache. Geronimo recalls the one time he visited this city and was turned into a frog by a local witch and had to convince the local chief’s daughter to kiss him to turn him back. Geronimo, determined to put that embarrassing moment behind him, decided to erase the town and the eponymous incident from memory.

With all those troops skirting around the borders of the four civs pictured here it's only a matter of time until a “border dispute” escalates into a full scale war.

Not much to see in the Papua-Murri War Of Northern Australian Consolidation (or PMWONAC for short) yet but Seddon is on the mainland with a settler and two spearmen which is cool. Maybe this will be the start of a turnaround for ol’ Dick?

Uruguay has a rather filled out carpet in this shot. Not a great sign for the 59 civs left that aren’t Uruguay.

Montezumea guides his men into Maracay. Upon arriving at the city gates he is greeted by many peasants wishing to be free of Maurdo’s role. They praise the immortal man and compare him to a god.  Rather annoyed at the town’s clinginess, the Aztec gives out an order to his garrison: “On second thought, Maracay is a silly place” and retreats to his personal fortress of Tectochilan. Author’s note: Venezuela and Haiti declare peace.

Minoa tries another coastal north african invasion. Considering Venice couldn’t pierce this cities rocksolid  defense I doubt the weaker Minoa UU will do much. Author’s note: On the sidebar you’ll notice another Algeria vs Songhai war.

As expected the Aleutian Islands flip to Haida. Local Yup’ik fishermen lament that they will no longer leave the Bering Sea to catch their fish.

To be honest I haven’t really been covering the Taungoo-Sulu front much simply because I expected it to  fizzle out. To my surprise, it looks like the hot pink empire might actually take the island city of Dala.

The coastal Algerian city bordering Songhai is taking heavy naval damage and Kano seems well protected but the entire western flank seems pretty exposed. If Algeria played their cards right they could be a real contender...GOD DAMN IT DID I JUST SULU SPAM.

Saosi is in trouble if he doesn't either conquer the city or recall his forces to protect the homeland soon.

The Seljuks, desperate for a win, attempt to take the infamously well fortified Hyderabad. Not a great plan. I fully expect this to blow up in their face. Perhaps a Palmyra intrusion or Parathian DOW?

Needing more fire to bake her sweet grandchildren more cookies, Eadni attempts to take the Evenk city of Alihe with her navy.

Palmerston North looks like it will fall to Tonga soon.

Dawkinzz’ Note: Could it actually be TONGA TIME?

The proud people of Kuhugupe have successfully defended against the naval invasion. Uruguayan historians would later attribute this temporary setback to the storm known as hurricane Marvin.

The almighty fortress of Derna has another challenger: Piye of Nubia. Unlike his meddterrainan counterparts he appears to be taking a land based approach which should be more effective in the long run.

By glory of Thor! Vikings begin to raid Scotland.

As we saw earlier North Palmerston is gonna fall soon. More importantly is a war declaration in the diplomacy notifications: Canada vs. Iroquois.

Yep despite the title of the last post I actually think this war could stalemate with the amount of chokepoints in the Canadian terrain. Author’s note: Passing this off to Scissor_fingers (who you may remember from the Papuan Romance episode). Mainly because of his recent temporary move to a country that won’t have access to CBR content due to online censorship laws.  

Hello everyone, its /u/Scissor_fingers, stepping in to finish this narration. This part is shaping up to be real exciting and I feel happy to finish it!

We resume in Oceania.

Tonga’s only chance to take Palmerston North is a sole embarked Pikeman that’s half dead. Not good odds.

In even worse news, New Zealand have sent their navy almost unchallenged into the heart of Tongan Territory. Is it Tonga Time? Yes, its Tonga’s time to die.

Wow, I look stupid. Apparently, Tonga knows how to use pointy sticks. They capture the city and now look in a marginally better position. They still lack a navy.

The Vikings begin a futile assault on Edinburgh, but the promising thing is that their naval production has finally kicked into high gear. While the Vikings fight on their boats, the HRE has decided that instead of boats, it shall send settlers through the sea and maybe even settle on Iceland, to avenge their failed conquest last part.

The Moors have a foothold on the isles now with a well placed citadel. The Manx have obvious naval superiority, but as the Moors grow their ability to land on the isles, that superiority wanes.

Nubian Commander:  “We have them on the ropes, all we need to do is to come in and take the city!”

Nubian Soldier: “But sir, we sent our only infantry on a Mediterranian cruise last week!”

Nubian Commander: “What kind of idiot authorized that?!”The Nubian Commander was sentenced to death later that day for blaspheming against the Pharaoh Piye.

Several Taungoo counselors went to the chambers of the Samrat Bayinnaung. They complained that Bayinnaung’s strategy of selling timeshares on important waterways to the Maratha was killing any chances of southern expansion.

Bayinnaung silenced them and regaled them with the tale of his most recent sale of the island closest to Bago to Shivaji, Gwalior it was now named.

The Deys in Blida have organized a defense of the city, not realizing that they lack forces to actually command and are only commanding each other. Abdelkader sees no problem in this lack of troops and orders that new Deys be appointed from his cadre of Televangelist friends.

Seddon sends his triremes to attack the Tongan capital and although all his ships are damaged, he is confident in his ability to take at least one city. A group of Omani sailors, also angry at Tonga for some unknown reason also take part in the siege.

Uruguay needs to stop taking steroids. If this was the Tour de France, Juan would have been banned for doping.

HAHAHAHA YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY! YOU ALL CONFINED ME, MINOS OF CRETE, TO MADNESS. BUT I SHOWED YOU! I SHOWED YOU ALL. DERNA IS MINE!

Signed respectfully,

King Minos of Crete

Destroyer of Worlds

Rajapapua was obviously angered by the new settle of Alice Springs next to his area of influence and declares war on the Australians. WIth his war with the Murri though, one has to consider if the Papuans are pushing their luck.

Ragnar has lifted his siege of Edinburgh and focused his fleet onto St. Andrews, a much more realistic target. Eagle-eyed observers will notice the first Viking longboat on enemy lines.

Mutota seems more interested in burning the Semien countryside. Gudit prays that his taste for vandalism does not translate to cities well.

Shikoku recapture Macao but the city looks primed to fall again. This constant back and forth is draining both Canton and Shikoku. A quick solution must be reached if either civ wants to not be bogged down in a pointless war.

The Moors are in a pickle with their recent DoW of Algeria. They are easily stronger than Algeria but the nature of geography means that their navy is split in half by Algeria. This allows Algeria to punch well above its weight and deal blows to the Moors.

Are the real monsters Selk’nam with arbitrary eldritch memes thrown at them? Or is it the mutant Uruguay, designed for greatness and engineered to perfect? I’d argue the real monster of the cylinder is the Blue Empire of South America.

Indira woke up from her dreams of a united South Asia and looks at the map her court Brahmins drew for her. She realized with a shock that there was a perfectly good spot on the river Indus that she forgot to settle in hundreds of years. She quickly wrote a letter to the legendary garrison of Hyderabad and told them to gather men and women and head north to settle the city of Kanpur on the river banks.

In other news, Oman calls it quits and gives up on the love triangle that is centered around Indira. Indira, saddened by this decides to punish the only empire she can afford to and citadels the Seljuqs.

Haida forces close in on the Yup’ik capital and with the sheer number of forces that Koyah brought to the front, I have a hard time believing that the Yup’ik can hold onto their capital.

The HRE settle Nuremberg on Iceland after their botched conquest and it sadly looks like they got the shitty half of the island. The Manx also seek to settle the island, maybe on the Northern, unclaimed bit.

St. Andrews is on death’s door and it looks like either HRE or the Vikings could make a decent shot at capturing the city. Whoever wins out of this could decide the fate of the North Sea for the rest of the game.

Every Australian trireme seems to have been vandalized in some way. The large formation of Australian ships should scare Sulu, but with boats as damaged as these, I doubt that they will accomplish much.

Although Kuikuro have been defending quite well, the recent surge of Uruguayan troops should scare Anetu as well as everyone on the cylinder. I doubt there is a civ on the cylinder that can defend against an attack like this.

Murri and Papua both end their enmities in order to let Papua focus on the much bigger threat of Australia. Maybe they will unite to fend off the larger Australian hordes.

The city of Sunud might fall with the entire battalion of composite bowmen around it and the warrior in wait. This does not concern the Khan though, as it seems that he brought just another settler in case he lost the city. I wonder if the citizens of Sunud feel abandoned.

Algeria has more generals than units. Blida has fallen. Has Abdelkader ever heard the adage, “Too many chefs spoil the  broth”?

When hearing of the Iroquois fleet’s arrival to besiege the city, the people of London gathered in the townsquare and demanded the presence of their local governor, Sir Bojo who declared he was announcing from the Canadian Union and that there would be no deal.

The Seljuqs are right screwed. They have no forces to defend Rey from Palmyra and all their actual forces are bogged down fighting in the west with India. All that needs to happen to ruin their day is for Mithridates to look down and join in on the purple conquest of the Seljuqs.

I’ve got to hand it to the Apache, I thought they would surely lose the war against the Metis but they have constructed a good defensive line and seem prepared to fend off any further advances. Another attempt at Frog Lake should be made though, a well placed unit and it could fall.

It looks like whatever the miners of Semien did to Zimbabwe, but it looks like Mutota will not be stopped in his quest to screw miners. The people of Balankab worry how long the miners will last the pillaging and prepare the defense of their city.

Rajapapua will not be deterred in his quest to rid Northern Australia of the vile southerners. Did some Aussie call him something untoward? Alice Springs is surrounded by Papuan Carracks and I bet it’ll be a much more neon shade of green.

Nzinga sends the first of her boats to the city of Kangaba. A good move, as Songhai seem to have misplaced their navy and can’t find it now. Askia would be well-advised to reinforce the city.

The Moors make their desires on the Manx isles clear and send a declaration of war to Castletown. Although Manx is a formidable naval power, the Moors are nothing to be trifled with and have only a few cities at risk of counterattack, while Manx is fully exposed to attack.

Elsewhere in Britain, St. Andrews has been stormed by a longboat crew and they have set fire to the city, pillaging everything in sight. Is this the first of many Viking raids on Britain?

The residents of the new Gothic city of Baiyara seem uncomfortable with their neighbors in Sauran. Rumors say that if you look in the direction of the city at sunset, the sun looks like a blazing eye that casts an evil eye on the entire city.

Londoners rejoice as the authoritarian ships of the Iroquois sail into the London harbor. Hiawatha seemed satisfied with his conquests until he sailed further north and found more foreigners on the coast and declared a jihad against all english-speaking peoples.

Koyah has shifted his attention from the Yup’ik capital and instead focused it on the settlement of Fuzhou. None of the Haida admiralty could explain this move and when they questioned it, they were tossed into the Bering Sea.

I find it funny that when Scotland built the Great Wall, they were immediately dismantled by all their neighbors. Maybe the Great Wall was just a bulletin board that insulted all of Scotland’s neighbors. Ragnar continues to burn St. ANdrews to the ground and it seems like Scotland is forever confined to the borders of irl Scotland.

The Kongo naval campaign has fully arrived at Kangaba and the city does not look long for the world. If Nzinga plays her cards right, she could capture every Songhai naval city. Askia seems to not have any useful amount of units in his core to contest their captures. This could be the start of a anti-Songhai movement in Africa.

Rey, despite common sense, remains untaken by Palmyra. One has to wonder what Zenobia wants to do with that massive military if not to use it on the Seljuqs. The Indian desires on Nishapur has not manifested, both sides having settlers on the front lines.

The Evenki city of Auhe was attacked by the Sami earlier this part and that failed. The Nenets saw this failure and could not pass up an opportunity to dunk on the Sami by sending an actual force to capture a city from the Evenks.

Eadni was sitting by the hearth in her cabin, taking a nap when her granddaughter Aile shook her awake, “Grandmother, the governors are here.”

“I already know the empire is doing fine! I don’t need some grumpy men who can’t appreciate a platter of my best cookies to tell me that!”

Aile looked worried for a second until Eadni continued, “If you cancel today’s meeting, I’ll give you a batch to take home”

Aile grinned and walked out of the cabin and started shouting at the curmudgeonly governors to beat it. After a few moments of rude gesturing, Aile walked back into the cabin and saw a knitted satchel filled with baked goodies materialize in Eadni’s hands. Immortals made no sense to Aile but as long as she was concerned, the Sami got the best one.

Indira, realizing that she had a bunch of settlers sitting around doing nothing, decided to actually use them. The city of Patna was plopped down on a very defensive position. This must have angered Mithridates. The two purple powers have not fought yet, but if the terrain was to suggest anything, it would certainly be bloody.

We close the part on a picture of Selk’nam. Selk’nam would be a first rate power anywhere but right next to Uruguay. It seems like the unstoppable blue is making their way down in the form of a trireme fleet. The Selk’nam navy is on the wrong side of the peninsula to deal with such a threat.

This has been a great part to narrate and I hope you enjoyed my half of the narration! This is /u/Scissor_fingers signing off!