Episode 12: Attack of the Lumberjacks – S1

Welcome to Part 12 of the Civilization V Battle Royale, otherwise known as CBRX (or “sea bricks”). I’m /u/AutisticNotWeird, one of the mods on /r/civbattleroyale and occasional OC writer (largely stories, as well as the power rankings charts). Having followed the battle royales for over four years now, it’s awesome to have a chance to narrate a part- and I hope the events of Part 12 will be as enjoyable for you as they have been for me.

For the intro OC slide, I have chosen /u/ARedundantSofa’s Uruguay civball. Because I just can’t stop staring at it. Those eyes have not just pierced my soul, but gained control of it… and every part of me has surrendered to its glare… it’s drawing me in to its sweet white maw… and I know all will be peaceful in its radiant sunshine…

Please. Someone help.

However the hell /u/Vihreaa gets these out so quickly, it’s really appreciated by all of us. I could look at maps like this all day and still spot new things. The main differences between this and the post-Part-10 map are largely border expansions and a couple of settlements. Some main city switches include Korean Daegu going to the Khamugs, Seljuk Rey going to Palmyra, and the Vikings burning St Andrews to the ground.

The second starting map is /u/ThyReformer’s “Subjectively Pretty chart of Objectively Relevant™ wars”, or SPOR map for short. As well as looking aesthetically pleasing, it’s a very useful guide to which wars are likely to have an impact during this part.

Uruguay beats the tournament record for most weeks at #1, topping the charts for the fourth week in a row- an almost unanimous decision from the power rankers. Partly because of the expansionist nature of the civ, partly the passivity (or incompetence) of their neighbours, and partly the fact that they rank so highly in the little things like military, food, techs and production.

Quite generously, Blue Cassette has asked me to talk about Underdogs for a bit! (I was pleasantly surprised to be honest, but I’m assured I’m not the first person to be asked to discuss their projects as a thank you for their role in the sub.)

Underdogs, for those who haven’t heard of it, is a dystopia series with autistic/dyslexic/neurodiverse heroes- teenagers who escaped an attack on their special school. They are fighting to free the rest of the imprisoned population, learning how to use their strengths in a world that has only ever seen their weaknesses. As of last week the sequel got fully funded, so it’s officially becoming a series!

For those curious to know more, just google “Underdogs Chris Bonnello” or go to chrisbonnello.com/underdogs. For those who want Part 12 to just bloody start already, scroll for one more slide (although to be fair, most of those people aren’t even reading this sentence).

Let’s begin!

We begin with the Goths and their assault on multiple Muscovy cities. Muscovy’s empire has the same vulnerability as the Huns did in MkII- their empire is almost entirely linear. Pro-tip for any would-be emperors: in order for your empire to have a strong core, it needs to have a core. As in, not having every single city on the front line of any war with a neighbour.

(Side note- just look at that perfect diagonal line of Goth composite bowmen. Isn’t it beautiful?)

Al-Mariyyah. How romantic.

I’m not quite sure how that Viking worker has ended up within Moorish borders. Perhaps it’s heading towards the recently-founded city of Vasterås, which made the Vikings the third civ to settle Greenland. It’s only a matter of time before either they, the Manx or the Métis take the whole island for themselves, and presumably sell it to some future oddball world leader.

With Alice Springs being one of the cities to do the flip flop last part, Papua looks almost mathematically certain to get it back. And once they do, they will have to defend it against an Australia with no melee land units visible on their continent (in this screenshot anyway), and a distant, marginally inferior navy.

Yep, we now have a spy! Don’t get too excited though, because s/he doesn’t get used this part.

The main feature here is the Haida attack on Qing’s city of Fuzhou. They have quite a sizeable fleet but their efforts may be hampered by the Yup’ik fleet in their way, which they’re no longer allowed to kill thanks to an inconvenient peace treaty.

Meanwhile, a trireme in a lake next to Busan shouts “I’m helping!”

Rather concerningly, the Manx have started to look fairly thin on their own islands. The Moors, meanwhile, have brought up a huge force to defend their city on the tip of northern France- rendering it completely safe except for that one weak spot. If that Manx trireme takes the city, the Moors will have no excuses for not immediately taking it back.

The Shikoku capital Kochi wins a previously-unknown contest to become THE WORLD’S GREATEST CITY.

For those wondering, this contest comes from a mod called “Greatest cities”. The rule means that “At the dawn of each new era, the highest ranked world city [based on a range of complex criteria] becomes a World's Greatest City, which allows that city to build a Triumphal Arch.” The arch gives the civ +5 happiness.

Clearly, Hawkes didn’t communicate with his forces much before declaring peace with Maratha. Three of his ships- most notably a carrack (for those who didn’t know either, a carrack is a naval unit that comes with the Enlightenment era mod)- are trapped in the sea, unable to get home through Marathan waters. I just wish that carrack had been trapped between Java and Sumatra like those New Zealander triemes. Then I could have cracked a joke about Carrack-atoa being dormant for hundreds of years to come.

Meanwhile, Madagascar sends some of its people to Indonesia. Which seems like IRL history in reverse (Madagascar being settled by south-east Asian explorers in the real world).

The Canadian forests are loaded with the Iroquois Lumberjack squad, chopping their way to Ottawa. (Ok, fine, they’re tomahawk raiders- a swordsman replacement that doesn’t require iron and ignores zones of control. But they also have the woodsman promotion and they’re in Canada, so I consider them lumberjacks.) The parallel assault on Quebec City is going badly, with the two triremes from the last part gone and the Iroquois lacking in nearby melee units.

Also in this scene, you get to see the first in what becomes a large theme for this part- massively overconfident settlers. The Iroquois are so confident in taking Quebec City that they’re already looking to settle near it… but that pales in comparison to the Apache’s THREE settlers in the Canadian heartland.

For all the threats of Barcelona falling to Haiti and all the rest of it, this part of the world is fairly calm. Poverty Point have statoned a catapult in the Bahamas though, just in case.

It was only a matter of time until the tide turned against Minoa… and it’s happened catastrophically. Derna fell to a desperately overwhelming Nubian force, and both Nubia and the Ottomans go straight for the capital. Somewhere under Knossos, Minos starts building a complex maze to hide himself in.

The Evenk city of Erema - forward-settling both the Nenets and the Kazakhs - falls to the latter. And with two more settlers out in the east, it seems that the Evenks are copying the old Kazakh strategy of settling a new city for each one they lose.

And it is lost, because those reindeer archers are chariot archer replacement who cannot take the city back.

That little gap was all that trireme needed. The Moors shouldn’t have any problem taking it back. In fact, they’re so sure of themselves that they’ve sent out an overconfident settler right into the Manx homeland. (I don’t think of it so much a Moor settler, but more like a Manx worker in training.)

Don’t worry, I’m not going to come up with a Dey pun for every Algeria slide. /u/ThelpleJonesion’s efforts last part were admirable enough. The Dey is a great general replacement who build Ksars- more powerful versions of citadels. If they’re actually used, that is.

Despite the flipping of Oran last part and the fact it’ll probably flip at least once again, Algeria might end up ok here. But they really shouldn’t have to fight so hard to be as “ok” as this. All the great generals in the world are no substitute for competent strategy. And Algeria should know, since they must have most of the world’s generals.

Three of Venezuela’s cities get production bonuses at the same time!

If anyone’s wondering why, it’s because they’re chopping down their jungles. Pity, they could have used them for science bonuses someday.

I have no idea whether this city flipped or was never taken by Papua in the first place. I suspect it flipped, as it would explain the deaths of so many units since last time we looked.

Most likely, the Papuans conquered the city and immediately sailed back for Perth, heading home to party in the knowledge that their job was done forever and the city could not possibly fall again.

Looks like it’s over for Minoa. The only question is who will go down in history as their eventual killer. Nubia’s previous performance against Minoa is impressive enough, although the Ottomans will be looking to balance out their lack of anything noteworthy throughout this whole contest.

Meanwhile, the Nenets become several leaders’ enemy right out of nowhere.

The lumberjack forces around Ottawa are wearing thin, so they solve the issue by embarking. (Maybe that’s the answer to the age-old question “where do lumberjacks go to get away from it all?” Perhaps they go to the lakes where no trees exist.)

Quebec City looks like a lost cause, but the Iroquois have at least taken London once again. On the overconfident settler front, the Apache settle a city in the almost tile-perfect centre of the Canadian empire, and an Iroquois settler attacks Calgary single-handedly. And who would win? A 7-pop Canadian city, or 1 Iroquois settler? If it weren’t for how the Iroquois are struggling with their actual army, that would be a tricky question.

The Seljuk empire is now looking utterly pitiful (and linear). At war with both of their neighbours and with a very small army, their best defence is the terrain they were spawned in. Rey is lost, out of range of any Seljuk melee units.

Up north, the Golden Horde do about as much as they normally do. And on the sidebar, the Holy Roman Empire joins in the mass war against the Nenets.

Incidentally, did anyone else used to get bullied by the occasional kid who didn’t actually hate you, but just bullied you to make themselves more popular with the cool kids who were also bullying you? Because that’s you, Holy Roman Empire, whoever’s leading you this week. You and all the other wimpy civs who just are picking on the weakling to get more popularity points for yourself. You’re those school bullies in AI form. Bastards.

Ok, I’m feeling better now.

Macao is safe thanks to the peace treaty with Shikoku (however long that lasts), leaving the Shikoku navy to sail through the beautifully diagonal Boat-con. Meanwhile, a Madagascan composite bowman lies trapped between Canton and Qin, and a Sulu great prophet sets off to spread Bogomilism into mainland Asia.

The Manx settle another city on Greenland. Although the city’s not great, it’ll be a decisive obstacle for anyone wanting to sail between Europe and North America until they learn how to enter the ocean.

Meanwhile, Scotland seem to be doing what I do whenever I’m attacked from the sea- not building a navy to fight them, but just carpeting my land with ranged units. (I’m not saying it’s a good strategy; it’s just what I end up doing.) Of course, when facing a Viking UU which can spawn land units right next to your cities, a bowmen carpet may be a good idea.

If Madagascar put as much effort into Africa as they’re doing in Asia, Zimbabwe would be desperately throwing cities at them in surrender.

Meanwhile, the Seljuk island city of Kermanshah is looking healthy. It’ll make a fine capital for the civ in a few parts’ time.

The Manx navy have put up a decent fight, but that catapult and new naval unit (plus the city’s ranged attack) is almost certainly enough for the Moors to stay on Iceland.

Muscovy, Qin and India jump on the Nenets Hate Train, leading thousands of soldiers to ask “wait, what’s a train?” Libya, meanwhile, get their geography slightly wrong and declare war on the Kazakhs instead.

East Africa- the southern tip of Beta Israel- is now a pillaged wasteland. However, all that pillaging has not led to any meaningful progress for Zimbabwe against Balankab (not yet, anyway). But just look at that attack carpet! Even deity AI can’t lose in this position, right?

We now look at northwest North America, one of the quietest regions on the cylinder. Everywhere here is calm except for the sea, which is packed with potential reinforcements for the Haida’s cross-continental wars.

This shot also offers a revealing look into the Métis fringes: the Métis empire may look vast and widespread on any map, but this is what many of their cities look like.

Taungoo have slipped into inactivity, following an excellent start to the tournament. But it has to be said, they don’t look dreadfully unhealthy for it. A nice part of the world is theirs, it’ll be difficult for any potential invaders, and they have a nice healthy carpet. They even have a pet Seljuk scout in its own little pen.

A rare shot of Central Asia that reminds us why these shots are so rare. I’m sure in a few parts time some war will start here and it’ll be explosive, but right now the most interesting thing here is a Qing great prophet attempting to walk on water.

A lone Motu warrior heads up to Alice Springs to see how their new subjects are doing, and is shocked to find that the city was retaken by Australia several turns ago! Perhaps he should run back to Perth and break the news to those who are still celebrating their victory, if he survives the run home.

And that’s it- Minoa are eliminated in 60th place. (They do have a few melee units in various far-flung places, but let’s not pretend they could take a city.) The Ottomans storm the island of Crete, and Minos heads into his elaborate hiding maze, never to resurface.

A few weeks ago, I asked the subreddit whether those who had voted Minoa into the tournament had ended up regretting it. (I had no idea at the time that it would be me writing their obituary.) The general feedback was that nobody had any regrets- Minoa were likely to be an interesting civ, who would either do well and impress us all, or do terribly and leave more space in Europe for other civs to have a better chance.

And you know what? I think they’ve done both. Minoa may have been short-lived, but they were memorable. They made brave attempts to get off their own island and, despite giving away Malia in a peace deal, showed the occasional moment of badassery. Their capture of Derna may have brought them down, but it was a better way to go than just turtling on a two-tile island.

Qing builds the Angkor Wat, which will help them expand their borders for less culture and gold. The city of Fuzhou is doing identically well to the last time we saw it, although the Haida naval units don’t look to be running out.

Here we see the Marathan carpet navy attacking the Omani carpet army. If Maratha really, really commit to it they could flip Muscat again, especially since Oman don’t appear to have unlocked the secret to composite bows. Oman has too many melee units for Maratha to realistically keep the capital though.

At the other side of the Arabian peninsula, the Beta-Palmyran war is beginning to look interesting. At some point this part a general near Heliopolis citadelled Pedeme, reducing Beta Israeli tiles on the peninsula to two. In response, they’re going after Resafa and look very likely to take it.

Prussia, who have been overperforming since this tournament began, manage to get a 6-pop city in the frozen north surrounded by sea and mountains. Meanwhile Yaroslavl, Muscovy’s only city away from their linear empire, looks about to fall (if those Goth horsemen can survive the run into the city). “Hey,” yells Alaric with a laugh, pointing to the city of Yaroslavl, “that’s out of line!”

All looks calm in this region of the Far East. So calm, that the Khamugs only have a warrior defending the former Korean city of Daegu. It’s still in rebellion, which means if the Qing were to declare war now, that warrior would literally be the city’s only defence. (I doubt it would happen though- the counter-attack from the Khamug core may be easy to repel, but the Qing are unlikely to risk it regardless.)

Fed up of watching Canada and the Iroquois bickering over the city of London, the Manx take the city and Illiam Dhone says “you know what, I’ll look after it myself.”

And don’t look now… but I think Quebec City might be in danger...

Alice Springs has been retaken by Papua, and this time they decide to hold the victory party in the actual city. You know, just in case.

Tonga Time also looks to have been delayed further as six of their triremes are indefinitely trapped in a Sulu-Oz-Papua sandwich. And also, two vanilla civs end a war we didn’t remember existed.

This shot may only be a matter of pixels away from the last one, but a fair bit’s happened since then- most notably in the notifications column.

New Zealand peaces out with the Murri and immediately declares war on Australia. I know it’s over 800 years before 1984, but I get the feeling that citizens are being told “New Zealand is at war with Australia. New Zealand has always been at war with Australia. The Murri are our friends. The Murri have always been our friends.”

The Sulu are also part of the double-DoW, and if they can get their Proa navy past the trapped Tonga triremes, they may end up being dangerous.

Here it is- the ultimate overconfident settler. Or, more likely, some poor guy who didn’t get the memo that war against Australia was imminent.

This poor settler’s literal best chance of survival is to morph into a city and try to kill units with ranged attacks. Not that it would work.

So it turns out Venezuela and the Manx are at war. Did you remember that? The citizens of London have changed leaders so many times recently that even they probably don’t remember who’s at war with them.

Quebec City is now an unmissable target, with a Iroquois trireme and a clan of lumberjacks close by. But let’s see what the AI says. After all, Ottawa- against the odds- is utterly unharmed.

Just for fun, not long ago I did some research on the Selk’nam, just to get a bit of background. It turns out they were a very small community to begin with, numbering only 4000 in the mid-19th century. They were shrunk devastatingly by European settlers in southern Argentina, falling to just 25 in 1945 (the last full-blood Selk’nam dying in 1974, although around 500 descendents are around today). So there are probably more Selk’nam people in this picture than there ever were in the historical community.

Fuzhou is now really struggling, to the point where its defences might not hold out the remaining Haida ships. And now a swordsman has made landfall, they have to defend against three tiles instead of two.

It may not have been mentioned in the visible notifications, but Canton and Shikoku are at it again. Macao is safe in the immediate term but they’ll be needing reinforcements before too long- especially with the Shikoku jizamurai coming (their UU pikeman replacement). Outside of combat these guys can build farms, camps and plantations, and I imagine they’ll soon be pillaging them too.

Resafa falls without much trouble. It could possibly flip once, but it’s basically gone. Heliopolis takes light damage but doesn’t appear to be in danger.

Angry at losing even such a small city, Zenobia makes peace with the Seljuks to concentrate entirely on Beta Israel.

The Sulu seem to think that if they split their navy across three cities, they’ll capture three cities and not zero. Seriously, what do they hope to achieve at Geelong? Australia don’t seem to be in any trouble here, especially since (as far as I can remember) this is the first trebuchet I’ve noticed in the tournament, guarding Bunbury.

Al-Mariyyah is now completely safe and recovering its way back to green. This region has calmed down a lot since we last looked, and the Manx seem to have armed people with long sticks and commanded them to go forth across the snows of Greenland. That’s one way of exploring, I guess.

Although that citadel on Jutland (mainland Denmark) isn’t new - it’s in the full-length video of last part at the very least - it’s worth pointing out. The Holy Roman Empire has a guaranteed peacetime channel between the Baltic and the North Sea, or at least denies it to the Vikings. It’s an extremely handy place for a citadel, as if the Vikings haven’t suffered enough at the hands of the Prussian generals. The HRE only needs one more general and they could take the whole of Zealand (the Danish island where Copenhagen is) if they place a citadel on the south-west tile.

Meanwhile, Minoan units mope around in Sami waters, praying that Minos is safe somewhere down in that labyrinth. Those Galéas can enter other civs’ waters, so they don’t have to rely on open borders to avoid being plunged into the ocean and vanished from the game. The Minoan survivors may be around for a while.

How the bloody hell did Quebec City not fall? Get it together, Hiawatha- if Hugo Chavez can take over London with nothing but wooden ships (wow, that sounds weird out of context), you must be able to take at least one city perennially surrounded by your own units.

How’s the war with Australia going? This picture basically sums it up. New Zealand are very talented at declaring wars but not so much in fighting them. (Seriously, imagine spending months comparing yourselves to the might of the Aztecs, only to lose a war against Tonga. At least they knew better than to show up this time.)

Australia aren’t doing much better to be fair. Perhaps distracted by the Sulu to their north, they’ve sent one carrack to its inevitable demise- an invasion that even New Zealand can handle.

Great, thanks to my love of twisting song lyrics I now have Abba stuck in my head.

Well it took half the part, but Haida just captured Fuzhou. And given the massive force they’ve brought in to defend it, something tells me they’re not going to lose it in a hurry. It’s unlikely the salmon army will head further north and fight the Wuchan clan for more ground (especially given the lack of ranged units), so they can rightfully spend some time relaxing from the war effort now.

Qing’s strategy of having two cores- a north core and a south core- really doesn’t seem to be working out for them.

Yaroslavl has been effectively subdued for a long time now, but it’s unlikely to fall soon. Not because of the effectiveness of Muscovy’s defences, the roughness of the terrain or even negotiation skills- but because the nearest Goth melee unit is all the way on the left of the screen, attacking Veliky Ustyug with very little backup.

Venezuela sends a wave of triremes northward to attack further Manx cities, escorting a settler up north with them in a classic sign of overconfidence. In the middle of the screen, you can see the Kuikuro city of Itsagahïtï, and I can no longer look at that name without laughing inside.

Why? Because the IRL Yucatan peninsula was apparently named after a Spanish explorer who asked the local Mayans what their land was called, and got a response sounding like “yucatan”. So, for centuries to come, our maps and globes labelled the land with the Mayan phrase for “I don’t understand you”.

In my own personal headcanon, the Kuikoru landed on this Carbbean island (or a “gahïtï”, as the locals call them), and asked the native islanders what their word for island was.

Not much happening here, but it’s interesting to look at. Maratha seems to be in a similar position to the Taungoo, healthy and not at all vulnerable, but so biased towards ranged units that expansion may prove difficult. Meanwhile, Madagascar does its thing and occupies every land tile it’s physically able to.

For those who haven’t noticed the sidebar, Zimbabwe and Beta Israel have made peace. According to the minimap, the city of Balankab in the burning desert did not change hands despite an enormous Zimbabwean attack force (and my prophetic sentence “Even deity AI can’t lose in this position, right?”).

Jamalul Kiram II, immortal leader of the Sulu, commands his generals to “send our army and navy to attack Geelong and Bunbury!” He then facepalms as he watches them misinterpret the meaning of his sentence… sending the army to attack Geelong and the navy to attack Bunbury.

Oddly enough, losing Oran isn’t even Algeria’s biggest problem on this slide. Algiers, at half health with its nearly only melee unit five turns away, is likely to fall and not come back. The composite bowmen brigade will do their best and the Deys will bark commands as loud as they can, but it’ll only take one carrack to slip through and Algeria will lose their capital, most likely forever.

Do you see what I see? Yes, it’s an opportunity for lore!

Barbarians begin to sprout up in the Baltic citadels, and let loose into the countryside. Why are these people here? What do they want? They could be the results of experiments in the citadels gone awry. They could be escaped prisoners, held for so long they can’t remember which civ they came from. They could be separatists who believe that all sixty nations (oops, fifty-nine now) should come together as one and no longer have borders. We, the observers, get to decide who these people are.

If someone could start a thread on the sub asking people to offer their own headcanons and lore explanation for these barbarians, that could be fun. This tournament needs more lore.

Coiot’s explanations for those who want technical facts though: “Sami have negative happiness and could be spawning them.”

Anyone reading these titles without any understanding of Monty Python is probably wondering what the hell’s going on.

Quebec City finally falls! There is the possibility of it flipping, but I’m not optimistic about Canada’s chances. Not content with taking London, Hugo Chavez’s reinforcements arrive and he uses them on Port Erin.

Ottawa, of course, remains untouched. Those lumberjacks must be running out of Canadian trees by now.

Alp Arslan’s empire looks truly pitiful now. Merv is being attacked by Parthia but it’s likely to amount to nothing.

As great as these tournaments are, to me there’s one disadvantage: if we don’t know much about a civ’s IRL counterparts, our visions of them can be shaped by their actions in-game. For example, the Timurids in MkII were shockingly bad, but the real Timurids were an enormously successful empire. The Seljuks were also huge, but I probably won’t be able to think of them that way after seeing what their empire has looked like on these maps.

Comparing this shot to scene 18, the Golden Horde have moved a worker, two settlers, and one composite bowman. That is literally it. Nothing else has changed around their southern cities during this part.

Not long after the fall of Minos, we see practically no evidence that the Minoans ever existed. Even Knossos is at a healthy 11 population. Once the resistance in Crete dies down, Minoa will be reduced to a few units spread around the world, telling tales of a little empire that once fought big.

Uruguay takes the whole Caribbean string of islands for themselves, from IRL Puerto Rico to Barbados. The last in the chain is Trinidad, which is unlikely to fall from the Kuikuro.

Thanks to Taungoo border expansion, one of the trapped Australian ships has been freed via teleportation. The other two units are still asleep though, and may remain so for hundreds of years.

Off the coast of Canberra, we have a gathering of all the Oceanian nations except for Sulu, making a nice diverse hexagon. What are they discussing? Well some are probably firing arrows at each other, but the Murri swordsman at least can watch on safely, not being at war with anyone close by.

Shikoku take Macao yet again, and Canton takes immediate counter-action by signing a peace treaty.

The whole area now looks completely empty, which- knowing how active this region has been for so long- makes me wonder what the map would look like if we could see the dead soldiers that spent hundreds of years falling here. Because the emptiness visible here is deceptive.

Muscovy and the Goths also make peace, and the minimap suggests no exchanged cities. Not even Yaroslavl.

We’re now two thirds of the way through this part. Take this empty slide as a chance to sit back, relax and catch your breath.

Because I’ve already read through the final third and I know how much is coming.

Like I mentioned, these two are now at peace. Their war has had absolutely zero consequence, other than turning a neat diagonal line of composite bowmen in the west (from the opening shot) into a second neat diagonal line of composite bowmen on the east.

Like I said, the Taungoo are looking healthy, but this slide shows their biggest problem. Where exactly are they supposed to expand to? The Qin up north? The Marathans to the west? The Cantonese over the sea with a nice big warmonger penalty?

Having run out of room in Asia, Madagascar have resorted to storing units in their own seas. They must be desperate.

In reality, of course, it’s exciting to see how focused Madagascar is on building up its military. Its natural difficulty in expanding may be made up for by sheer enthusiasm.

Moments after Putorana is founded, it’s down to the yellow is attacked. It’s almost like this strategy of attack-settling doesn’t work. Nonetheless, the Evenks have another three settlers waiting in the wings.

Peacing out with the Seljuks has allowed Palmyra to focus entirely on getting Resafa back. Most of their melee units are Clibanarii horsemen though (basically regular horsemen but with a few extra promotions).

They also need to make sure they don’t accidentally lose Heliopolis, with it down to the yellow since last time we looked.

Before this part, Poverty Point showed balls of steel by citadelling the Apache, and so far haven’t faced any consequences for it. Meanwhile the Gulf of Mexico has been closed off with its remaining tiles vanishing as coastal cities grow. Inside the Gulf, a Métis attack force of three triremes didn’t succeed against the Aztecs for some reason, and a Poverty Point settler’s optimism is unlikely to be met with empty land.

Robert the Bruce, affectionately known as Bobby B, builds some ships of his own to see if he can play the Vikings at their own game. Even if nothing else, they’ll do a good job of occupying the water tile next to Stirling and allowing the city to regain some health.

Unexpectedly, the Shetland islands are occupied by a useless HRE settler who won’t be able to settle inside Scottish territory. In other news Papua and Australia make peace, with Alice Springs finishing the war in Papuan hands.

The Sulu have gotten closer to gaining a city, more so than I predicted, but in all fairness my expectations were low. Flipping Geelong would be a worthy reward for their efforts, as short-lived as it would be.

I don’t know what’s in the maple syrup those lumberjacks have been drinking, but in a couple of turns the Iroquois have gone from total ineffectiveness to almost taking the Canadian capital! William King and his merry men are soon to be banished even further into the frozen north. Venezuela’s attack on Port Erin seems to have fizzled out. Looks like only one of these attacking civs can succeed at once.

Whereas the resistance in the city still exists, the rest of Shikoku Cantonland seems calm. Madagascar responds appropriately. I can’t tell if they’re trying to be the new Israel with their explorers, the new Hawaii with their peacekeeping forces, or the new Brazil with their subtle occupation of foreign lands.

And wow, a capital was lost? Which one? Go on, have a guess.

(Wrong, it’s Algeria. Check the minimap.)

A shot of inland Australia reveals that the green civs have less of a power difference than one would think. The Murri have a smaller empire but a much bigger carpet. And, quite suitably, they have taken Uluru and not allowed the colonialists to turn it into Ayer’s Rock or whatever.

Also, there’s a religious split on the continent that may make for interesting politics, with the Murri having founded Tjukurpa and the Australians being largely Bogomilists.

Daegu has now been annexed and is an official part of the Khamug Khanate, currently protected by the finest warriors. The remains of Korea seem to be doing well, although they’re basically a naval civ now.

Although the Métis and the Apache are not currently at war, the latter almost seems to be preparing. But since it’s quiet for now, we can concentrate on the Métis’ funny city names- Frenchman’s Butt, Saint Boney-face, Wood Mountain (me taking things literally I’m picturing a mountain made of wood). Also funny how one of the Great Lakes - Lake Superior no less, has been designated “Duck Lake”.

In literally the most exciting thing that’s ever happened in the Hawaii Battle Royale, the Shikoku discover the islands. They now have caravels, so the ocean is theirs to explore.

The Sami seem to be coping well with their cities in the frozen north. Muscovy, meanwhile, have a new city up there called Rzhev, which… wait, it’s not new?

Nope, according to various maps it’s been around for at least one part, somehow never passing above 2 population.

The Evenks make peace with everyone who doesn’t matter, as they lose another city. Putorana never stood a chance.

Fun fact- out of the four Kazakh cities in this slide, three were taken from the Evenks. The warmonger penalty must be huge compared to what they could have got by just settling the land themselves.

Just because an island has two cities doesn’t mean the civs are in equal control. The Moors have definite authority in Iceland, with Nuremberg not expanding at all compared to Al-Mariyyah. And what on the cylinder are they doing with those Viking workers? Are they outsourcing their own improvement work?

Nothing of substance has changed here. Heliopolis has dropped just a tiny bit, Beta Israel moved a few units, and Palmyra haven’t recaptured Resafa despite bringing a ton of horsemen.

Trebuchets are now commonplace across South America. But they’re not close to the knight attack on the Kuikuro capital, who aren’t backed up by anywhere near enough units.

Rather topically, the Amazon seems to be vanishing from Kuikuro lands. Instead of depressing us all with comparisons to reality, I’ll go back to my Monty Python references and say the trees have been chopped down with herrings.

Ottawa falls. Three capitals in one part. Bloody hell.

The Iroquois lumberjack squad don’t even take any time to chug a bottle of maple syrup in celebration, because Calgary is still owned by the reds so they’re coming for it. The Iroquois may take a long time to capture cities, but they waste no time running into the battlefield.

Oh, and Venezuela is back. Port Erin is suddenly screwed.

With the fall of their capital, the obvious next target for the Moors is the inland city of Annaba. It’s defended by an old-school archer and nothing else, with the bulk of the Algerian army still around Algiers. Plenty of Dey great generals are around though, yelling at people to fire arrows.

A shot of the peaceful end of the Sulu empire, where the most interesting thing going on is a worker planting a citrus plantation. It must be nice to live here, for now. A Taungoo settler seeks to expand their empire across even more islands. I guess they can still expand after all.

India and Nepal haven’t had much of a part. The Khamugs recently declared war on India, but they only have a one tile access route (without the aid of open borders), which is currently guarded by a Nepali warrior. Funnily enough though, Nepal are at war with the Kazakhs and are using exactly the same empty tile as a warpath!

The war between the Sulu and Australia may not be over literally, but both sides seem exhausted. Australia does have some units left to launch a token strike against Patikul, but that’s it. Geelong didn’t fall, despite a surprisingly good effort.

The war between the Manx and the Moors is over, with the Manx getting to keep a city they didn’t start with. Three delicious tiles of mainland Europe now belong to the Manx, and the city has even been annexed. Sadly things aren’t going well for the Scottish Leftover Army, most of whom have been killed in the English forests at some point during this part.

Yes, the Aztecs and the Haida are at war. It’s difficult to tell though. Once the trireme and two swordsmen are dead, perhaps Koyah will bring the full force of his enormous navy down the California coast, The opportunity for something dramatic is here, certainly.

In this part’s penultimate scene, we witness New Zealand wake up and try to do something. Can they succeed? Find out next part. The answer will be no, but tune in anyway.

This part finishes with the Apache settling an invisible city, Port Erin nearly defeated, and the Canadian capital being a corruption-filled 4-pop city they stole from the Yup’ik.

Before I go, I’d like to apologise to fans of Czechia, Venice, Benin, Songhai, Nazca and Ndongo. These are the civs that went through this whole part without doing anything worthy of a mention, as much as I wanted to include everyone. (Well, thanks to this paragraph, it looks like I technically just did.)

I’ve been /u/AutisticNotWeird, and this has been one hell of a part to narrate. I hope you enjoyed watching the carnage as much as I did. See you on the sub!