Episode 15: Pyromania and Fire Fighters – S1

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Civilization Battle Rrrrrrroyale X, or seabricks. This is u/yago2003, Zimbabwe Supporter, Brazil Hater, former Boer supporter, serial Rioter and first time narrator. I would also like to give a shoutout to u/gragg9’s Prediction Contest where you can earn fake internet points by predicting which civs will go up and down in the rankings in this week’s part, contact him on discord or reddit for more information.

Here we see some Simpsons OC made by u/Staunch_Boat_Mormon (nice username by the way) which showcases the high IQ Strategies both Benin and the Khamugs are using, and they seem to be working very well as neither of them have been eliminated yet.

Here we see u/Vihreea's hand drawn map which was posted just a single hour after last week’s part went up which is ridiculous, it lets us notice things we may have missed in the part, such as the fact that Tonga Time comes ever closer with multiple new cities settled by them.

This week’s second map is u/ThyRefomer’s Subjectively Pretty Diagram of Objectively Relevant Wars, which I had to look at an embarrassingly high amount of times, and by next week this map is going to look very different as some interesting things happen in this part.

Oh look Uruguay number 1 again, very surprising I thought Tonga would beat them this time, guess not (Dawkinzz say this very sarcastically), anyway let's get on with the part

Starting off this week’s part we get a shot of the Sami-Prussia war, where it is very clear that Sami have the clear advantage on the battlefield, as Stettin has been shot down to the deep red and the Sami have 2 melee units within range, and another 2 turns away. There also seem to be units with a case of the missing icon, as knight to the left of Stettin and an embarked unit by Bergen have no icon, which is a bit strange. The Minoan boat keeps noting down the happenings in the Baltic Sea, which will be sent to the endless maze where their leader still resides.

Here we see the Uruguay-Kuikuro conflict, still not much happening in it because of Kuikuro’s UA and because Uruguay want to attack their entire civilization at once with a row of well balanced units. They hold on to Secú, but the city could still flip. That Haitian bowman must have taken a wrong turn or 50 somewhere, or maybe they like looking at powerful militaries.

It seems that the Moors somehow managed to take the final resting place of Libya, Misrata, but I doubt they will hold it for very long as the Songhai land army is big, scary and close. However, if they do lose it, Misrata will most likely flip multiple times with all those boats they have everywhere.

It seems that the Vikings have learned from their MK2 counterparts and have decided to attack Scotland using just settlers, and the Manx, not wanting to be outdone have decided to counterattack with 3 more. Surprisingly, it isn’t working, as Edinburgh has fully healed for the first time in centuries, but at least the Vikings seem like they may capture Colby if they start using their navy better.

The situation worsens for Geronimo as the Iroquois send an ungodly amount of tomahawk warriors towards the Apache city of Tchihende, it should fall if Hiawatha acts even remotely competent. Poverty Point watches in fear, fearing the day when it is their head on the chopping block.

Unsurprisingly the Aztecs do not recapture Culhuacan and their embarked army seems to have disintegrated, and it seems the Apache are tired of flipping Tlacopan and have set it on fire, and it seems destined to burn short of a miracle.

Stettin has fallen and is being razed, proving that the Sami are still suffering from unhappiness problems and it seems that the Minoan boat that at first saved Prussia will be their downfall, as it is stopping the Prussian boats from melee attacking the city, leaving those 2 knights as the only hope for recapture

It seems that now the Vikings will be able to focus on the Scotland war as they have finally made peace with the Manx after a surprisingly irrelevant war. They have lots of pieces of an army around Scotland but if they keep doing what they have been doing for the past few episodes then Edinburgh will fall around part 20.

As the final Libyan trireme gets bombarded by Songhai composite bowmen Songhai recapture Misrata with a pikeman. The Moorish navy seems to have moved somewhere else to get more useful cities, so Askia may keep the city for a bit longer.

New Zealand has made peace with Australia, letting them keep Adelaide and Queanbeyan. The Murri seem to be running out of time to capture Sydney, they would be able to get it next turn if they focus on killing that knight and the composite bowman (so that Zone of Control doesn’t slow down the pikeman) but that seems highly unlikely to me.

The Khamugs have a pretty big military advantage over the Evenks here on the border, if they were to declare war on them one day it seems pretty clear who would be the winner. There is somehow a Seljuk scout there as well, probably thinking about where he is going to live after their civilization burns down.

Tlacopan has burnt down and Culhuacan won’t last much longer, but it seems that the Apache have run out of steam, which is honestly a good thing, as they should focus on defending against Hiawatha and leave the poor Aztecs alone.

Seems that I was wrong and the Minoan boat moved out of the way, letting Prussia capture Stettin again, which means we will probably see it flip a few more times before one side gets to keep it (or burn it down).

It seems the Goths are not satisfied with just taking the Golden Horde Capital, and have shot Bolghar down to the black. Their nearest melee unit is at least 4 turns away and could still die, and if they do then it’d be significantly longer before the city falls. The Goths really need to make more melee units if they want to stay relevant, as they only have 4 on this slide.

The Lumberjacks seem to be perfectly content just standing next to the city *menacingly*, without taking it, but seriously Hiawatha just take the god damn city it's not that difficult just walk into it and burn it down.

Apparently Zimbabwe have Astronomy as they have settled Cape Verde with Mapela, and Benin instantly send a single trireme to attack it. Honestly, it's going to fall. Zimbabwe is clearly screwed as this invasion force is too strong.

It's happening, the Murri are about to take Sydney and it would take a colossal screwup to not capture it now, but after that they should seriously make peace as Gosford seems to be on death's door, so if Sydney isn’t captured with peace being made immediately after the Murri are actually screwed.

As the Peacekeepers and the Uruguayan trireme watch in horror the Qin send an impressive attack force of a single Warrior towards the city of Kowloon. The Taungoo also look to have Astronomy now.

As we admire the glorious Nazca Navy we can see that not even water can stop everyone’s favorite Eldritch Abominations as more and more of their units have learnt to become one with the water. It seems that the Nazca are lacking in land units a little bit, and New Zealand have settled yet another island.

Maratha has completed the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which I guess is a pretty great wonder, and we also get a good shot of New Zealand’s 1 tile island cities. Those islands may be where they die in the far future, if they do then remember that I called it.

The Murri have flipped Sydney, but now their luck has run out and a big scary Australian army is knocking on the doors of Gosford, which will most likely fall. The Murri need to sue for peace right now if they don’t want to have to hang out with Minos and Yu.

It seems that Parthia has mastered the art of defense, after having found a copy of how to fight wars good deep inside a cave, it said: “If thou want to not be attacked by thy enemies, make thy enemy thy friend by letting them live in your land,”

It seems to be working.

(also, how is there an Indian galleas inside the city?)

We get a good shot of the Venetian core, which seems to have a full naval carpet and a pretty good land army too. All they need to do is actually make it go somewhere, such as the Ottomans or even Nubia.

Or you know….

Keep turtling….

That works so well….

Gosford has fallen to the Australians and the Murri core has 3 cities left and doesn’t look very well defended. It is astounding watching someone everyone believed in collapse so hard. The Murri need a peace deal like right now.

The Sulu navy has gotten a lot smaller since we last saw it, and it seems that Papua has gotten frigates, which isn’t good for the Sulu. So much for the technology advantage. This will be interesting.

MISSING: ONE SONGHAI ARMY, RESPONDS TO ‘CONQUERORS OF LIBYA’, LIKES ATTACKING RUMP STATES AND LONG WALKS IN THE DESERT

LAST SEEN: SAHARA DESERT FIGHTING THE MOORS

IF FOUND PLEASE CONTACT ASKIA OF THE SONGHAI.

REWARD: 3 GOLD PER TURN FOR 2 TURNS

Shit has hit the fan for the Murri, as their former allies of New Zealand have declared war, this is very bad for them as the Kiwi navy is very strong and their capital is on the coast, and for some reason their navy is exploring the southern tip of New Zealand and also trying to attack Melbourne, which won’t end well.

The Evenks continue their siege of a strange patch of snow where screams are heard when they shoot at it with arrows. They’re also trying to solve the mystery of where their boats disappear off to in the Arctic Sea. In other news the Murri have finally made peace with Australia.

A bit late though

Prussia is surprisingly still holding their own against the Sami even though they are basically inferior in every way except color scheme. They managed to flip Stettin back yet again and are currently ramming boats into Romsa which could possibly fall. They don’t seem to be running out of units either so they could still benefit from this war.

Shikoku has gotten sick of how bad Qin is at invading Canton and have decided to invade them for it, and Qin don’t exactly look ready for such an invasion, so they better use their high production to appear an army out of nowhere or they will face the wrath of the Shikokoof.

Here in Eastern Africa we see the nice Nubian Carpet of almost outdated Units, the Beta Israel carpet of Agaw Archers, and Benin’s relatively small army, along with their ‘we-definitely-didn’t-just-find-giant-logs-and-lay-them-on-their-side-and-started-calling-them-walls’ wall improvements. I also never realized how these 3 civs along with Palmyra in the corner share the same colors, Brown and Beige (and light Burgundy), and yet they still thought it was necessary to change the Vikings to red and yellow, Damn you Blue Cassette! Jk we all love you guys

Lime’s note: *grumpy face* blame DerErlenkoning

New Zealand is apparently not going to stop at just invading mainland Murri but also attack their 1 tile islands using their freshly forged frigates.

It seems that now with no distractions the Vikings are throwing everything they have at Edinburgh, and things are not looking good for the Scots as there are 7 boats outside their capital and final city, and at least 2 dozen more in case those die. Maratha has declared war on Qin, but it's unlikely they’ll actually do anything as they are quite far from the superior China.

The Goths finally capture Bolghar and set it on fire, it will probably be flipped a few more times before it's completely gone though. It seems that after this capture the Goths don’t seem to be advancing any more into the remains of the Golden Horde, but of course I could be completely wrong.

The Kiwis are going straight for the grand prize of Cavanbah, sending a few ships at it and beginning to scratch it a bit. When Seddon was interviewed about the war against the Murri he said: “Well I mean when they started attacking our life-long friend of Australia we had no choice but to avenge our greatest ally’s loses” After checking the history books, this checks out.

The Golden Horde decided that maybe they should call the fire department in order to save Bolghar, so they gave them all some bows and a catapult for good measure and sent them on their way. It seems to have worked as Bolghar is no longer on fire. I wonder if anyone else has thought of this idea. Also Zimbabwe have made peace with Nubia, ending a long and extremely memorable war which everyone knew was happening… right?

Selknam has sent a moderate navy of the highest quality boats they could find, but at least they brought an Admiral, surprisingly no water walking units though. We can also admire the Uruguay Core, showing that this will be a hard nut to crack in the future, if it will ever get cracked.

Now for a little break from all that action we get a shot of some Madagascar scouts exploring the Antarctic ocean, probably looking for more places to teleport their units.

The Sulu are not looking too good right now as Papua send more boats and trebuchets at their cities, with Sandakan likely to fall soon and the other cities possibly falling later if they don’t start building units like right now.  The Sulu do have galleons unlocked but they only seem to have one which I’m pretty sure was just sunk a few tiles east of Bauang, so they should be able to defend properly, if they actually tried.

As expected New Zealand have captured Minjerribah, and the Murri will not be taking it back as their only nearby unit is an inquisitor. Tonga Time comes even closer as Tonga now have Caravels, you all just wait.

Prussia has captured Romsa and have set it on fire. The Sami have learnt from the Golden Horde and call the fire department and also give them bows, however it doesn’t seem to be working as Romsa is still on fire after being shot so much. Maybe it's because there are 2 Sami melee units on the left side of the screen and 12 on the other, but maybe Minoa can take it. Come on Minoa we believe in you!

Shikoku clearly didn’t think this war through as they are not defending Macao very well, with just a single land unit in the form of a scout while the Qin are attacking with longswordsmen. If they manage to take the city then that means they will share even more of a border with Canton, which will surely accelerate their eventual demise. Shikoku also have muskets now, and Canada is now medieval. Yay Canada!

Sandakan flips and I am very disappointed in the Sulu. They were supposed to be one of the most technologically advanced countries in the world but they still have their trireme replacements and regular archers guarding their cities. Papua also apparently has Privateers.

The tomahawk warriors are advancing into the city of Tchihende, having damaged it down to the yellow and probably going to capture it. The Apache lands seem to be very empty, with only 15 military units on this slide. For comparison Poverty Point have 17, which is very bad.

Evenkian (if that's what you call them) scientists are all very confused because of the disappearance of Vorkuta only a few minutes after they managed to make it real again, but are convinced they can manage to reappear it in the future. I have never realized how good the Nenet colors are. What civ do you guys think have the best colors?

It seems that now that the Iroquois have captured Chilworth their massive army of lumberjacks have spread out across their empire. Or maybe they all went to the Apache front? Either way their core is also looking quite empty. Maybe they should try to go for peace when they capture Tchihende.

In a war I had completely forgotten about it seems that Australia are going to capture Sangli if all goes well while the Sulu are trying to get Dhar instead of.. You know… defending their core from Papua. I mean it's not like their core is that important, they can probably function without it, just ask Canada how

Papua have flipped Sandakan yet again and their navy is coming every closer to the Sulu core. Tongan spearmen and triremes are exploring New Guinea, very surprised that there are other civilizations in the game that aren’t New Zealand, and immediately start planning how they will eventually take them down, when the time comes of course.

The Ottomans missed the old days where they could just attack Czechia and no one really cared because nothing happened and wanted to relive them. At the same time Venice realized that attacking the Czechs wasn’t working as they had no coastal cities, so they made peace and declared on the Ottomans too.  Turns out, The Ottomans have a lot of coastal cities and Venice have a lot of boats, which means Stonks for Venice. Prussia also DoWed simply because they want to be friends with Venice or something

New Zealand have expertly used their nice renaissance era boats to attack one of the biggest cities in the cylinder, which I didn’t think they would actually do.  And the Murri were doing so well…. I guess good things don’t last forever. Prussia also make peace with Korea and Qing

The Haida declare a difficult war against Korea and their ridiculous amount of carracks, however I believe in our new and improved Blackfoot replacements (sort of), as they seem to have the technology advantage. They should probably have waited until they had more navy on this side of the world before attacking.

Prime your F keys as it seems that Scotland’s time has run out, after a long and painful war it seems Ragnar got his shit together and is one or two turns away from capturing his first capital, and Scotland seem powerless to stop it.

Tchihihende is now down to the red and seems primed to fall next turn, but the real issue here is that Poverty Point still exists, like actually all of its neighbours could kill them but instead just fight each other, so unproductive.

It seems that Isfahan has finally taken a tiny little bit of damage, and maybe that could signify the beginning of the end of the Seljuks. We all know that that's not the important part of this slide though. If you look over to the minimap you might notice that...

CAVANBAH HAS FALLEN. That's right folks the Murri Capital has been captured by the Kiwis in a surprisingly short amount of time, and it seems unlikely that it will flip, hopefully no one was hoping for a Murri comeback as that dream has been crushed along with some of the millions of people living in Cavanbah, and as Meanjin is also on the coast New Zealnad could also capture that city, which would be a final fuck you to their Australia Coalition Partner, however the Civ Battle Royale isn’t won with friendship, it is won with war.

As Haiti builds the Himeji Castle the Haida have begun to regret declaring war on Korea as their city of Tlell is now under siege and Korea don’t seem like they will be running out of boats to throw at the city anytime soon. Also if you look at the minimap you will see that the former Sulu city of Sandakan has been razed to the ground.

Hiawatha finally captured Tchihende and surprisingly doesn’t set it on fire. Maybe he doesn’t want Geronimo to call the firefighters, having heard stories from the Baltic sea. I just noticed now that the Iroquois have crossbows. This is looking worse and worse for the Apache.

Here we see both the Haitian and Venezualan cores, showing that if Haiti truly committed they might still be able to capture Caracas. They’d probably lose it immediately and then lose their capital, but it would still be worth it in the end and it would be a pretty cool way to go out.

The Sulu realized they were screwed and made peace with Papua at the prize of Maimbung, which obviously was immediately set on fire. This time 911 can’t help you as you don’t have a war(ant), so now the Sulu need to rebuild as fast as possible before Taungoo, Papua or even Tonga think they look easily conquerable and wipe them out.

And to end this very exciting part we get a slide of Zimbabwe’s future island colony, which they should really get on with conquering, like actually what are you doing Zimbabwe Benin isn’t worth shit go for Madagascar!

From what seems to be a different computer we see the border between the Evenks and the Khamugs, and it is pretty clear that if they were to declare war it would be one of the biggest battles so far on the cylinder. The Khamugs would finally become relevant and do something, which would be great for their 2 supporters.

There are 5 different civilizations on Greenland, and out of all of these the Metis have the strongest city on it, I would not be surprised if they were the ones that ended up with it when the HRE and the Manx are eliminated (Exactly I just went there), also it seems that the vikings did not capture Edinburg this turn, which is disappointing, however it is almost guaranteed that next part we will see an elimination of Robert the Bruce

We get a final shot of south east South America, where we see that the Selknam are trying to cram cities anywhere they can in order to stand a chance against Uruguay when t͆̀̚h̶̼͉̼ͬ͆e̞̕ ̵̻ͬ̃̉ͤ͗́t̝̼͇̘͓͐̾͂ï͞ḿ̡̗̹̺̲ͥ̈̄e̞̫̗̣̱̣̲̿ͨ̀̓̒̀͋ ͬ̽ͨ͘c͓̫o͆ͣͥm͓̉͑̔̀̍͋é̊͡s̯̜̬͋͑̏͛͢. But before that they really need to get carracks. They even have crossbows already so it shouldn’t take that long.

Now to end off the part we get some stat slides, where we can see that we are apparently stupid, but other than that we aren’t that the worst at anything. In Population the Tonga are winning with over 81 million people crammed into those tiny islands. In food production its Uruguay, in production its Uruguay, in GNP it is Uruguay, in soldiers it is Uruguay with 350k, which is quite a lot when the average is literally half of that, and in land its Uruguay (jk its the Metis). In approval it is actually us! I guess the reason we are so happy is because we don’t need to worry about fighting a planetary war to the death for all of eternity or until we die. And finally Uruguay are also the smartest. All of this shows their dominance and superiority over the whole cylinder, which is definitely worrying.

Now with the Religion map we can see that Uruguay’s religion has dominated their continent, and most of the Asian religions are doing pretty well. In Africa, Sunni Islam is dominant, having already outlasted its creator. In Oceania it is a fierce battle between Tjukurpa and Bogomilism, with both religions being pretty small and weak. Finally North America has both Anga-I’m-not-going-to-spell-that and Orenda, the superior religion as its name doesn’t have like 200 letters.

Here we see that the biggest religion is Uruguay’s (of course it is) with 689 pop converted and it being practiced in 50 different cities, and most of the other religions not being too bad either, except for Amanaiism, Nubia’s religion which I guess was inspired by mk2’s Party Pope as he also had a religion that only spread to like 2 cities

Finally we get the rest of the religions which shows that the Seljuk Religion is actually better than Uruguay’s, now if only their actual civilization was that big…

This has been u/yago2003, please don’t shit too hard on this narration as it is my first time doing it, hope you enjoyed this part, and just as a warning for anyone who wants to narrate, I signed up for this in March.

Of 2018

Have a good day everyone!