Episode 17: We Didn’t Start The Fire – S1

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Sub, welcome back to the hectic world of the cylinder, in which wars are rife and no city is safe from a good old fashioned razing. I will be your narrator today, /u/Night_Man_, and will hopefully guide you through the nearly 20 turns that this part covers

Our intro OC this week comes from /u/Staunch_Boat_Mormon and displays the unfortunate fate of Poverty Point and the citadels from hell

Our first map of the cylinder is this lovely hand drawn map by /u/Vihreaa. This is personally my favourite map just because of how pretty it is.

And this is the SPOR map for you which came in extremely handy when narrating this part, especially because its very hard to keep up with the hectic wars going on right now.

This weeks Power Rankings and unsurprisingly, Uruguay is at the top. I feel like a comment underneath the power rankings post sums up my feelings towards Uruguay: ‘Uruguay is definitely number one but people keep acting like they're all but guaranteed to win. A million things could change between now and the endgame.’ Thanks paddywagon_man

We open this part on turn 245 to the site of the Sami vs Muscovy war. Toropets, the cylinders city wide version of neopets, has been captured by the Sami and like so many cities these days has been lit ablaze. While there are many Muscovite units nearby, they all seem to be focussing on the hard to pronounce city of Arjepluovve (Sorry Dawkinzz).

Venezuela settles the small city of Bermuda, which lungora has conveniently given a nice triangle of coast tiles.

In other news, the Iroquois city of Schoharie is looking very nice on the east coast of America, with an impressive 35 pop. In fact, the whole of the east coast is looking quite good with a total of 77 pop from just 3 cities.

Unlike the pun in the title, this slide is no laughing matter. Two of the Metis’ strongest neighbours declare war on them, the Iroquois and the Haida. While we can’t see the Haida force right now, if the Metis army is anything like it is on the Iroquois front, this could be a disastrous war for them.

The Iroquois will likely have to march their army across the Great Lakes, which could give them a massive disadvantage, but with the lack of Metis ranged units on the land it also may not.

Just like the city of the same name that was here before, Bunbury yet again falls to the Papuan Navy. Papua have also done what many AIs forget to do in many of their attacks, and have sent an overkill amount of melee units to Brisbane, let’s hope the strategy pays off for them.

Ablai Khan must be regretting their declaration of war by now as yet another one of their cities falls to the Nenets of all civs. The fact that the Kazakhs only have 5 visible units on this screen may be the reason why though.

As I asked, we get a shot of the Haida side of this war! And it’s not as I expected, the Haida land force is actually quite pitiful, most likely fighting their war with Korea. But luckily for them the Metis force is even worse, and I reckon that the land units on this screen could maybe take the three icy cities directly north of them. Fingers crossed.

Sulu fans will be happy they are doing so well in their current wars, even being able to flip Dhar back from Maratha. Maratha have brought a sizeable force to defend their South East Asian holdings seeing as they are fairly far away from their homeland, but the Sulu navy is full of their Unique Unit which is enough to scare any civ.

Parthia, fresh off their capture of the Seljuk capital, turns their warmongering eyes to the less than scary Golden Horde. The Goths invasion up north has been hard and gruelling due to the terrain surrounding Sarai Berke but could employing a small naval task force prove fruitful for the Parthian war lords?

Mithridates stares across the Caspian Sea with dreams of those lands being his.

Now this is why the SPOR is so useful, because somehow this war completely passed me by when I was watching the audio narration last week. Ah well, we check back up on it with Qing making quite a lot of progress, given what they’re up against terrain wise against Hong Kong.

I can’t help but feel like this is the part of a play where a wise woman comes in to tell the main character the fate of their empire and it’s never good. Can Ching Shih reverse the curse set upon them?

Did we miss this declaration of war because it very much looks like the Metis is at war with the Apache and while they are doing very well against their Greenland holdings, the story on the mainland might be very different.

Prussia is still attempting to attack Edirne through the 4 tile border they have and they’re still not succeeding. It doesn’t look like Frederick is committing much to the war but those few units dying on this front could make the world of difference if Czechia, the HRE, Muscovy or God forbid, the Sami declare war again.

Haida are back and they’re back with a vengeance. You don’t just take one of Koyah’s cities and get away with it. With Gonju already into the yellow I expect we’ll see a few city captures in this theatre of war in the next couple of parts.

The Vikings started the razing of Frankfurt Am Main last part and early in this part, the job is finished. The Holy Roman Empire wasn’t able to capture the city back to stop the savage Vikings from looting and burning down every building in site. All they could do was look on from afar and shed a tear that what they had built over the last thousand years was being burnt down by a foreign, and angry, peoples.

The Goth soldiers breathe a huge sigh of relief as they are sent home to their families from the brutal Golden Horde front. The hell isn’t over for the Golden Horde though as they may be out of one war, but another was only started only one turn ago. While the war was only started a turn ago, very little movement is seen from the Parthian side. Should I inform Mithridates that in order to capture a city, units have to move?

Long Nepal. That’s it. That’s the slide.

Jokes aside, this area of the cylinder is absolutely packed and has been blessed with little to no wars in the last hundred or so turns. But trust me, as soon as one another declares war on eachother, units are going to be dying left and right. That will will be one bloody war.

We return to the starting slide of this part to note that Toropets has officially been burnt to a cinder. Another update is the slow Sami advance on Nizhny Novgorod with an impressive force of soldiers.

Can you guys tell I’m a bit of a Haida fan yet? If not let me inform you that they have just captured Gonju, reclaiming a stake in the Asian region. And it also looks like with not too many unit losses, enough to capture yet another city?

The Iroquois Units didn’t have to cross the Great Lakes because Hiawatha, the smart military commander that he is, decided to consolidate forces outside of Winnipeg and go for a full frontal attack on the one city. This could really work.

Maratha has really been trying over here in a desperate attempt to gain a holding in the Middle East, but the number of melee units that Oman has to recapture their city is impressive for an AI, so Shivaji is really up against it.

To note on this slide as well is the two unfortunate declaration of wars, from India and Madagascar. Those Madagascan peace units are in the perfect position to do some damage.

This notification not only tells that Montevideo is where your next holiday destination should almost definitely be, it also tells us that the majority of civilizations on the cylinder have emerged into the Modern Era, which is exciting. A new holiday destination and Rockets just around the corner, it’s a little kids dream!  

The Marathan navy is seen fleeing the waters outside of Rustaq, pretty confident that they lost that one to the two new invaders. India looks to be picking up the scraps of the Maratha invasion and with just two boats might do some notable damage to Oman.

India are actually able to capture Rustaq! After Maratha did the majority of the damage, India swooped in afterwards to take the city, and if they were able to do that with just two ships, is Muscat still as safe as I assumed it was?

Haida says as they sail directly into the island that Tlell is positioned on. With the city already damaged it could potentially fall. What I find more interesting about this slide though is the fact that Skedans is so damaged with no Haida units nearby, could it be that the Evenks are actually doing work?

I swear I’ve seen this before? Just like Australia with Bunbury, the Holy Roman Empire re settles Frankfurt Am Main in the exact same spot again, only for it to be assaulted even worse due to its low defence. Is fire just the natural fate of Frankfurt Am Main?

Speaking of Bunbury, it seems pretty quiet on this front, eerily quiet. With Bunbury captured back, Papua hasn’t made much of a push any further, even though Newcastle would be fairly easy to take.

Yes, India may have lost Rustaq to Oman, but have you SEEN that attack force around Muscat? That city is almost guaranteed to fall, I’ll stake my Shrek 2 DVD on it. The only thing that can stop this now is if the AI thinks it’d be a great idea to peace out for nothing, please don’t disappoint me Indira.

The name of the award winning biography narrating the story of the 4 unit brigade that marched far into Haida territory with no back up.

The Korea war has really hampered the Haida’s potential attack on their mainland, and all it really serves for them is an annoyance as they attempt to keep Metis units from getting too close to any of their cities.

Also to note that here we can see the Metis border with Apache, in which a Metis unit can be seen in Apache borders, which either means they’re great friends or massive rivals. Nothing in between.

The Holy Roman Empire decided that Svalbard was the perfect place for a city. Hell, I can’t even deal with single digit celsius, let alone what those guys are dealing with, AND before central heating? Wittenberg has to be on one of those ‘most un liveable places in the cylinder’ lists

Coiot‘s Note: Uruguay adopts Order!

When I first looked at this slide I fully believed that Poverty Point had done that to an Iroquois before realising that even with all the crazy things going on in the cylinder, that was just too much. In actuality, a single Metis boat has sacrificed half its health in order to mildly damage the city, now THAT’S more believable.  

It truly is the fate of this city, and with only 1 population the Holy Roman Empire only has one turn to capture the city back before it’s dead and gone again.

Shikoku settles directly on the Papuan home island, as if they could more explicitly ask for a war. It does kind of annoy me that Papua hasn’t finished settling their own island. Perhaps Shikoku was teaching them a lesson as that’s exactly what they did.

We have a capital capture on a part I’m narrating, cool! Anyway, like I said the Indian attack force was guaranteed to work, and I get to keep my Shrek 2 DVD. On that note as well, Rustaq looks almost confirmed to fall once again. Prepare your F’s for Oman?

On this slide the Prussian invasion is going even worse, with them letting a Turkish pikeman into their borders.

Oman’s been here for years, and apparently they aren’t leaving anytime soon. While the city looks to fall once again, Oman really does not want to go out without a fight, and good on the little fellas.

One area where this war is going exceptionally well for the Iroquois is the naval attack of the Metis city of Willow Bunch. Funnily enough when they make landfall they are surrounded by a bunch of Oak trees, weird

Excuse the terrible pun which probably won’t make any sense when read out in Audio Narration. The Sami are doing handsomely in their war against Muscovy, I just really hope they don’t burn down this city, because a nice buffer zone between them and the Goths would be very strategically needed.

Like I predicted, Oman’s capital and Rustaq falls again. But I want to change my prediction. Those Omani units looks strong, and I don’t reckon that Oman will be eliminated until at least next part at the minimum. Let’s see if I’m wrong, I haven’t read  ahead so I’m excited.

Korea was able to recapture Gonju and to teach them a lesson, Haida captures it back and burns it down in front of them. Savage.

Does this count as a scout con? I guess attendance has been dwindling seeing as they seem to have been hosted in the middle of the ocean the last few times. I see three scouts here, Iroquois, Kuikuro and Haida.

Since the last time we saw this front a lot has changed, most notably the fact that Winnipeg is in the yellow!! Also to note that while the Iroquois is successfully attacking Winnipeg they’re ALSO successfully attacking Wood Mountain. They are crossing water but knowing them that won’t affect them too much.

At this point I can’t tell if the Holy Roman Empire recaptured Frankfurt Am Main or the last one was burnt down and they settled it again.

The Moors rate the Atlantic Ocean five stars as they send five Great Generals for a swim in the vast sea. Is this how Great Admirals are made?

While the pic isn’t focussing on what we all want to see, we can still see that Winnipeg is now into the red! Although, that Metis navy near Prince Albert could turn the tides of the war.

The Vikings are unhappy, perhaps it’s because they’re boxed in by Scandinavia and their only way out keeps on resettling the same city?

Jokes aside, while the barbarian is close to dead, the barbarian is more indicative of a bigger happiness problem, not only in the Viking empire but in the cylinder.

Surprisingly this is the first city capture of this war, although fingers crossed that that isn’t the case for long.

A few Metis ships sail near the once Metis city, hoping that the Iroquois are merciful in victory.

Damn I really love the Zimbabwe colour scheme. Anyway, here we have a shot of the sleeping giant that is Zimbabwe, which for a sleeping giant is showing very little military units. Hopefully they have good production for when they get into a war.

The Iroquois settler that eagle eyed viewers would have spotted a few slides ago was able to settle a city, which was captured by the sleeping Metis navy. Although while this does count as a victory, all it served to do is waste an Iroquois settler, as they set the city ablaze.

In the absence of an island civ that actually expands, Uruguay has had to fill in some of the gaps that Haiti has left, forming a very nice island chain of cities.

The Remains of Gonju are visible here, as a Yup’ik pikeman stares at them. It also looks like the Haida invasion has massively fizzled out and while Haida still has units on the left of the slide, it will take a few turns to get to Korea and they started the war with much more and weren’t successful.

Benin, Nubia and Beta Israel sitting in a tree, even though some of them are at war, they’re still best friends deep down.

Another progress shot of Sami breaking down the Muscovite walls. The city is likely to fall, it's just a question of when and if they burn it down like so many of the civs around them have been doing recently. Please Eadni, be unique.

Yeah, not much to say here apart from the fact that Metis and Haida are just throwing units at each other here that could really be used for better things in both of their cases.

I’m not up to date on what each civs unique ability is so can someone explain to me why every Sami city is just slightly damaged. My current headcanon is one man travelled to every Sami city and just burnt down one building in each.

Coiot‘s Note: Every time a Muscovy city is taken, the conqueror has all of their cities take damage.

Why Eadni why! Eadni goes against everyone's better judgement and burns the city of Kolomna down anyway. They do look like they’ll do well against Nizhny Novgorod so fingers crossed no ones got a torch there.

Although we can’t see the beauty that is Long Nepal in its full glory, what we can see here is the citadeled capital of India, which is the highest of insults to any civ.

Not for long now, as the city of Rzhev is the next city to fall victim to Eadni’s long arm of the law.

Also to the left of the slide we see the gap left by Kolomna. Can we have a moments silence please?

We take a look at the South Atlantic Ocean, where Zimbabwe and Songhai currently inhabit. Lusvingo looks particularly nice this time of year.

A Ndongo settler heads across the waves in hopes of setting up the new, hip tourist destination.

A chillingly beautiful story of how one pikeman and his boat sailed all the way to the Parthian city of Rhages, just to show them the meaning of peace. Endings a bit weird though, they end up dead. Don’t know what the moral is there.

Yeah I agree title, please just fall! The Siege of Winnipeg has been going on this whole part, a total of 17 turns, and I’m pretty sure it’s been on red the majority of that time. Just slip a nice melee unit in there Hiawatha and everything will be alright in the world.

I think Sami is misunderstanding the scorched earth policy, it’s meant to be for when you’re retreating. Sami captures the city of Rzhev but yet again burns it to the ground, I hope they have some settlers in their core for when this war is over.

The Sulu declare war on Tonga. And the unfortunate first victim of that war is this spearman, just trying to visit his mate who lives in the Sulu capital, who is now being absolutely pelted from every side. RIP to that spearman.

It’s also good to note that Parthia is very much still at war with the Seljuqs and, while they look to be making progress against the Golden Horde, the Seljuqs are definitely going to be a thorn in their side.

With Muscat and Rustaq fairly secure in Indira’s hands, she turns her head towards the very last Oman city, but in order to take that must battle in the Gulf Of Aden, a difficult position for an attacker and an extremely easy one for the defender.

Although New Zealand and Nazca are fairly close together it's always weird to me seeing a New Zealand city near the Nazca core.

Anyway, about the Nazca core. It’s better than some I’ve seen, it’s also worse than some others, more specifically Uruguay’s who they share a border with. I’d be worried.

Mmmm those colours with those units, cities and THAT canal city. Could you give me a more perfect slide?

Here’s an area we haven’t heard from in a while, the graveland of Minos. Knossos, their former capital, is looking pretty nice population wise and is a hidden gem in the Turkish empire.

Now that goes against all I said in that slide doesn’t it? Maybe Benin stole Nubia’s coco pops which is just not on. Anyway, they declare war and instantly get the city of Ile-Ife to yellow with a melee unit next to it.

The Gulf of Aden proves such a struggle for India that they fall back to Rustaq, letting Oman capture it back again. Also yes I know that’s one too many bad puns but you’ll just have to forgive me.

Another look at a graveyard as we look at where Scotland used to live, I miss you Brucey.

Just like the last part we end on a shot of Uruguay and I steal last parts title as well. Creepily I was actually listening to an Oasis song once I got to this point.

Uruguay is scary, I’ll give them that, but their war against the Kuikuro has been painful to watch.

Anyway, I really hope you’ve enjoyed this part and will be able to endure a shameless bit of self promotion at the end. I currently run a similar 61 civ earth AI game over on /r/civaigames where the catch is there are no civs in the new world so its all up for grabs. We’re currently on part 19 and I’d love if you gave it a look for yourself! Just look out for AI Earth: Colonisation!

I’ve been /u/Night_Man_ and I hope you’ve enjoyed this part of the CBRX!