Episode 18: A Dream of Zanzibar – S1

As all the cool kids say… Aaaaaaaand welcome ladies and gentlemen to another Episode of Battle Rrrroyale!

DerErlenkonig here, DerlKonk on Discord.

First we have some words of wisdom from u/Staunch_Boat_Mormon.

I’ve been ignoring Uruguay all my life, and they haven’t killed me yet, so I can confirm, it’s good advice.

First map we have is the delightful Subjectively Pretty Diagram of Objectively Relevant Wars. I absolutely love this map, and it really helps keep track of what’s what. I don’t envy u/ThyReformer’s job though, as it should be increasingly difficult to determine what’s relevant as tech grows.

And here’s my own Terrain Accurate Map!

Now that most of the territory is filled, I’ll probably start posting the Terrain Map over the Rivers Map. It’s a lot prettier than the Rivers map (which is honestly kind of redundant). Let me know what you think in the comments.

I haven’t seen just yet, but I’m going to assume the Mighty Guay still dominates the Power Rankings. It’s ok though, it just makes them more ripe for the inevitable Ḥ̨̝̠̣͇̼a̰͉͉͓̰r͎̩v̱͈̝̹͙͠e̴͔s͙t̷͚̺̮͕͈̗.

And into the abyss we dive! Grandma continues her assault on the fledgling Russians, having already put several northern cities to the torch. Nizhny Novgorod takes some moderate damage, but with such a large army right outside the city gates, and few brave Russians to defend it, I have a feeling this won’t end in a happy Muscovy.

Winnipeg sits in the black but the Metis pride themselves at sniping melee units. If anything, the Iroquois city of Neodakheat is in far more peril. The Great Lakes are filled with musketmen but I somehow doubt the AI is smart enough to get them to the frontlines fast enough.

Benin has had a rough go. Citadel’d to oblivion (though not nearly to the Point of Poverty) and half a core made mostly of worthless Sahara. At least their UA is kicking in, which buffs the range of their “city attack”. They probably won’t beat Nubia, but with the right snipe, they could devastate Napata.

Oman is a good lad. Oman doesn’t deserve this. India has seized two of their cities while the so-called peacekeepers of Madagascar prepare to eradicate them completely.

The Sultan may need to find new residence in Zanzibar. If he can make it.

A swarm of mounted war reindeer bear down on the newly captured city of Skedans. Some soldiers report seeing a fat bearded man dressed in white and red leading the vanguard, but the Koreans mostly chalk that up to a local legend.

Oh Iroquois… buddy... The puns I could make about “Neodakheat” burning down are just overwhelming. Winnipeg stands strong and Hiawatha has but 3 weak melee units nearby. The tides are turning, but perhaps Haida is having more luck?

But that’s not all! In the corner we see that Maratha has constructed the Red Fort, a powerful wonder that grants it’s home city +12 defense, and +25% strength to defense buildings Empire-wide. This is massive. Even if their skirmishes with Sulu have been less than impressive, this could, if nothing else, make them incredibly safe for the foreseeable future.

Und was ist das??

Der Kampf der Deutschen has begun once more! Speyer is already blockaded but the battlefield is fairly narrow. HRE’s frigates are likely to hold the line in the Baltic, so I imagine this war will mostly consist of a lot of dead Germans between the Elbe and Oder.

A third party could tip the scales dramatically.

Those who guessed +Nenets this week might be regretting that very soon. Nyar’yana Marq is being swarmed and the cities they recently captured are already a sneeze away from reclamation. The Kazakhs were once ranked first for a reason: lots of arable land and weak neighbors. The legends may have been true after all.

That Citadel Nepal plopped long ago is paying off, with Dehli immediately taking damage. However… Nepal’s best melee units right now are Longswordsmen… stuck in Tibet… in the year 2070. This war is a tossup, but Maratha holds all the power to decide it’s final result.

Ah Palmyra. The Pearl of the Desert. I personally voted for Assyria under Sammurat for their absurd innuendo-laden leader dialogue, but Palmyra was my second favorite.

Their Empire has shaped up quite nicely, though many of their Arabian cities are looking surprisingly vulnerable. Funerary Towers dot the sands, and Malagasy peacekeepers quietly revel in Nizwa.

Ostrava is a truly blessed city. The Czechs were dealt a very bad hand this game, but that damned city has not only survived countless Ottoman assaults, but has actually grown in size through Citadel placement.

Giving open borders to Venice may just lead to Bursa’s fall. It won’t save Czechia, but sticking it to their green rivals may be enough for Havel.

Manx has also joined Prussia against HRE. Very few of their nearby cities are coastal, so I’m not expecting much concrete help.

Looks like I was too hasty! The authoritarian lumberjacks seize Winnipeg and bring the city from 19 to 9. Fun fact, that’s going from 3.8 Million people to 469k. 3.3 Million civilians, or 88% of the city just died.

Unperturbed by the violence, the Iroquois prepare to place a new settlement on the ashes of Neodakheat. A smattering of Poverty Pointers watch with horror.

Ile-Ife is down, and the war rages on. Composites just can’t stand up to a wall of crossbowmen. Benin’s core is stronger than these desert towns, so they may be able to stop the bleeding.

Not to be outdone by the Iroquois, Madagascar seizes Salalah and opts to put it to the torch. Absolutely brutal. There are a decent number of melee units still remaining, so Oman may not be out just yet.

Oman, please start rolling Death Saving Throws.

Erema falls, but the assault on Nyar’yana Marq has seemingly been put on pause. Maybe the Kazakhs abandoned the city in favor of retaking their lost territory.

For a naval Civ, the Manx on the sea are not as threatening as you’d expect, as there are no frigates to be seen. They may own England, but they’re no British Empire.

A man of honor with a yearning for freedom, Toussaint can’t bear to annex his captured cities.

“We are free today because we are the stronger; we will be slaves again when the government becomes the stronger.”

Winnipeg is back in Metis hands, and Neodakheat is on its last legs. That settler from before has vanished, and no nearby melee units means Neodakheat is almost certainly doomed and Winnipeg is almost certainly safe.

Bursa is yellow but Venice is struggling with getting units through the mountainous Balkans.

Operation Manx-No-More is a go, with the Apache and Vikings launching an offensive on the Isles. The Apache declaration might seem meaningless, but recall that they actually share a Greenland border with Manx.

The Three Scottish Forts are going to play a crucial role in the coming fighting in Scotland.

NATURAL 20! Oman, you’re conscious with 1 HP. Top of the Round… what do you wanna do?

Everyone in the world is rooting for their demise, but they are refusing to go down quietly. Oman hasn’t done much this Battle Royale, but these final moments have been endearing.

Putorana takes damage but the Kazakhs haven’t sent that much to take it. I’m getting Muscovy-Goth War flashbacks when the Goths had overwhelming numbers but failed to do anything because they split their forces evenly.

They need to start insettling before a coalition knocks them down a peg.

Speak of the devil! Nepal and Palmyra decide they’re disappointed in the Kazakh performance too and collectively declare war. Unfortunately for them, Khamug blissfully blocks Nepal and Parthia blocks Palmyra.

Maybe next time, guys.

Tonga sends a massive detachment of soldiers… somewhere? They’re at war with Nazca and Uruguay, so unless this is a sneak attack on Shikoku or something, I’m at a loss.

So that whole Haida offensive is evidently NOT going well. Kasaan is virtually defenseless and looks destined to fall soon. Tanu is tiny and similarly vulnerable, and at least the coast of Cascadia looks strong.

OWO what’s this?? Kongo declares on Benin but has a paltry army. What were they thinking?

Benin may be losing desert cities to the north, but this is a prime opportunity to fix some of this dreadful bordergore and establish a more fertile core.

Madagascar scores a crit on Oman and fails their remaining Death Saves. And with that, Oman is no more.

What can be said about Oman? They settled the coast of Arabia and that’s basically it. Their defense of their remaining cities was brave but ultimately futile in the face of stronger empires.

The Sultan of Oman now lives in the Zanzibar of the Heavens.

Press ف to pay respects.

Secu is still in Guay hands, and ͢sh̛i̢p͞s ģat҉her t͢o ̵wa̸tch ͖̯the̡̺̯̝̜͉ ҉d̙̪͔͈̗͕͇͢a͖͍̩̹̼ͅṇ̜̞̜c̶͈̗̘̱e̙̞ ̰o̫̦͘f͡ ̬d̞̗͈̝̮͓̼͡ea̬̥͈͠t͔̼̖̲͇̺h̵̗. Uruguay’s lack of progress against Kuikuro really has been staggering, but as a s̶͠e͘͜͠r͢͡v̕à̸͜n̸̵ţ ̛o̡͞f̵̢ ̵̛t͜͝h͡e̶͢ ͏Gr͟e̡a͞ţ͞ ̷̨O̷͜l̷̡͘ḑ ̸͝Ó̕͟n̷̶es̕, I’m certainly not complaining.

Delhi continues to take damage, and Nepalese melee units are stationed nearby.

Indira, please. Make a damn effort. Nepal is sending *horsemen*. We need you in the endgame for nuke shenanigans!

Tonga evolves to momentary competence as they siege the Galapagos.

Not too much competence though. Had they sent that massive Mystery Fleet East instead of West, Topara would be theirs.

St. John’s is taken by Ragnar, and surprisingly not instantly set aflame. Maybe it’s just too damn cold.

Sulu denounces Madagascar for killing off our poor Sultan of Oman.

Nyar’yana Marq and Putorana fall. This is the weakest Nenetsia has looked in some time, and this is Nenetsia we’re talking about.

The Thalassocracy of Shikoku in all it’s gray glory. Privateers and frigates man their harbors and cannons dot the valleys.

A settler hangs out southwest of Nakamura, but could only be placed on the southern tip of Kyushu.

Mpungo a Ndongo is quickly surrounded by Benin. Should they take the city, that impatient settler on Equatorial Guinea may have their chance to put down some roots.

There it is! The borders haven’t changed yet, but this is a good sign for Benin. A large Ndongo fleet is approaching so it probably won’t be held for long, but I have to give them credit where it’s due.

Meanwhile, the Goths ally with the HRE and declare war on Prussia. Some pretty clear sides are being drawn.

Peace for the Murri. This war was an absolute shitshow, but they’re not dead yet. What once looked like a slam dunk became two broken ankles, literally. Instead of becoming dominant on the continent, all of their neighbors have grown, particularly their former Kiwi allies.

Murri has open borders with Papua, so that may indicate some semblance of protection, but I still don’t see them surviving for long.

Meanwhile, new wars break out in Africa. Palmyra joins the Benin is Bad Brigade, but more importantly, ZIMBABWE DECLARES ON NDONGO. Benin’s chances of getting out of these wars in one piece just doubled.

DISASTER FOR INDIRA. Delhi falls to a knight of all things, and Indira’s government flees to an unknown city far away.

We’ve seen Civs recover from loss of their Capital (Australia’s nuclear adventures in MkII), but this is nonetheless a terrible omen for their chances.

Secu is reclaimed by our intrepid jungle lads. They need to make peace ASAP before the next Guay wave breaks through deeper.

Kombi and Kavanga take a bit of damage.

The Ndongo capital of Kabasa is already in danger, and Matamba is mostly defended by hapless workers. The gears are in motion, and the engine of destruction alights.

Rumors abound that the great leader Nyatsimba Mutota seeks wisdom from vengeful, orange ghost, pale and not entirely whole. This spirit speaks of his destiny to rule over the entire African continent, to unite all the peoples under one beautiful banner. The government dismisses these claims as tabloid nonsense, but Mutota is seen less and less these days.

Bursa mirrors the white whale Ostrava and refuses to be taken. It’s a little endearing, honestly.

Havel, Mehmed, there’s no need for hard feelings! You’re more alike than you know!

Also:

Ḿ̧E̵͠T͠I̸S͟ BL͏̛O̢͜Ǫ̴̧D̀͡ ̸͡͠F̨O͘͜͝R͠ ̸T̶͟H̶E͘͜͠ B̵L̨͞O͜͠͏O̴̕D̡́ G͟͢͡O̶D

Dehli is recaptured as Indira sighs a breath of relief. Unless another party joins this fight, I think that’s the only flip we’ll see.

“You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.”

-Wayne Gretzky

-Michael Scott

There’s no way Canada makes it out of this stronger than they started, but I love their confidence. You get ‘em tiger.

The Vikings join the coalition against the Old Fritz.

As far as I can tell, the sides are as follows:

Manx, Prussia

VS.

Vikings, Apache HRE, Goths

Will we see this conflict spill outside Europe? This could be the start of the first genuine World War. Where’s the World Congress when you need it?

Down in Africa, Kabasa is unscathed, but Mbwila is under fire. Benin isn’t making much progress, and will have to think strategically if they want any of the spoils of this war.

Port Erin teeters on the edge of death. It’s anyone’s guess who ends up with the city: Vikings, Manx, HRE, or the Fiery Void.

For a civilization fighting nearly everyone, their core is almost entirely devoid of life. Being a frigid wasteland, I can’t say I’m surprised. I’ve seen people call them a paper tiger, but I’d argue their performance so far is much more intelligent than just filling their land with units.

No bogging down of melee units, no wasted production. Just strong armies where they’re needed.

Chad Israel seeks to claim their Lake from Benin. They have a lot of Benin to go through, but with their wartime production, anything is possible.

Kasaan is Kagon, and a glut of soldiers pour through the Frenchman’s Butte.

Port Erin is offered to the Blood God, and Jelling falls under fire.

If I were Manx, I would focus on defense everywhere but Edinburgh and Kaup. Edinburgh contains the Hadrian’s Great Wall and will be very difficult to take from the sea.

Port Erin flips back, and Jelling looks ripe for taking.

The Nubian assault is going well for them, but only Ewohimi has any melee units on it. Both cities under fire are fairly weak, and aren’t a huge loss if taken, but Udo is massive. If Benin loses that, they’ll have to shift attention from Ndongo to strictly defense, and it will all be over.

Indian also makes peace with Nepal. It’ll take time for Dehli to recover, but so long as Maratha lets them, they can rebuild.

Good defense for Ndongo, but it’s breaking at Kombi. Mbwila is just hanging on, and it’s not only a question of turn order who gets to keep it.

Uruguay holds the unsurprising lead in tech, followed by Shikoku, Zimbabwe, and Maratha. Mostly the usual suspects, though Venezuela is a surprise.

Nepal fails to keep the capital they fought so hard to take. Both northern civs have terribly outdated armies compared to Maratha, and it’ll take a massive coalition to take them down.

Green(land) Lake was moments from new management, but a sudden peace deal narrowly saves the arctic metropolis. Haida and Venezuela make peace as well, largely ending the coalition against Metis.

Notably, our Canadian friends are still at war. I can’t imagine that’ll go well without support.

Port Erin falls to the Vikings, and a massive army marches to Edinburgh.

Australia and Papua make peace, and judging from the minimap, nothing changed hands.

Eko and Ewohimi look ready to fall, with a good amount of Melee units nearby. Notably, Beta Israel doesn’t seem to be sending much support.

To the Northeast, a coalition against India seems to be brewing.

Bergen is in danger, but the Vikings refuse to send melee units. After the brutal citadels at Roksilde, I’m hoping they take it, just to clean up the borders a bit.

The Kermanshah Atolls are gorgeous this time of year, but such beauty inspires jealousy. Khamug and Australia declare war, but claiming this land is likely a pipedream.

Gotta make use of those islands before industrialization eventually buries them beneath the sea.

Now that the war is over, Haida is militarizing for the next one.

Ile-a-la Crosse hosts most of the Metis forces, but with a first strike fast enough, Haida could do quite a bit of damage.

We can also see a nice shot of Haidan Machu Picchu. Not sure what domesticated animals were able to bring supplies up the mountains to build it, but it certainly wasn't llamas.

Metis kept Winnipeg, but it was devastated in the fighting. Ultimately, no territory actually changed hands between the two powers, but the next time they go at it, I’d put my money on the Iroquois. Their nearby cities are much stronger production centers.

A slew of new Papuan cities are plopped. Hohodae, Baruni, Tatana, and Poreporena arise, with room for another on the tip of Cape York.

The Apache generals have been planning this for years.

Failure to pay veterans of the Iroquois wars, difficulty supplying the more remote settlements, anger at the failure of the government to protect Winnipeg. The people no longer trusted their leaders, and the Apache knew it. Local militias have been arming for months as tensions rose, and the Apache had been quietly supplying them during the chaos of war.

And now, when they were at their most vulnerable, the Apache would declare war on the Metis Government, in the name of the People. They would liberate the downtrodden, or so they claimed. Whether or not this rampant propaganda would win hearts is yet to be seen, but it was enough to spur brutal Civil War south of Batoche.

Eko and Ewohimi fall, and Udo is threatened. This is still anyone’s game, and if Beta Israel decided to help in any way, Benin could fall.

Oh bother.

Shikoku has a much stronger navy, but that window to attack is fairly narrow. I’m not expecting much, but I’d love to be surprised.

A huge force surrounds Merv, which is finally annexed by the Golden Horde. With that pesky mountain in the way, I’d wager on a successful Golden Defense here.

Also a Great Parthian General primed to steal Uranium from Palmyra.

Frog Lake is surrounded. The Liberators, as they call themselves, prepare a siege, demanding the government surrender power.

Unrelated, but I have to assume “Frog Lake” refers to Salt Lake. Then again, Fishing Lake sits in the middle of open plains, and Green Lake sits on the decidedly lakeless Greenland. I think Metis just likes trolling with their naming conventions.

Port Erin flips again, and a stateless Minoan vessel moves in to watch the carnage. I’m shocked the Vikings have stopped endlessly razing everything.

Maybe they just really hated Robert the Bruce.

Eko is taken back, and the melee-drought becomes a problem again for Nubia.

Still very little effort being put in by Beta Israel. They’ll never seize Lake Chad at this rate.

The Yup’ik Core. They’re no Inuit, but I’m surprised how strong their cities look. Most city defenses are stronger than the Haidan Aleutians, and there are certainly more units in the area. Those citadels are brutal though.

That’s not a core. THIS is a core!

Maratha is very stronk, with super high defense and a full carpet of advanced units. They could take the entire subcontinent in a matter of turns.

Matamba’s workers have all been captured, and the city is nearing the end. Zimbabwe needs to bring units other than Crossbowmen, but it’s still looking good for Mutoba.

Calgary and Windsor are doomed, frankly, without the support of the Iroquois. This is why we don’t trust autocrats to keep their word, Mackenzie.

And of course, we see more ridiculous names.

Buffalo Lake on frozen Baffin. Paddle Prairie on a barren tundra. Gift Lake on a tiny icy island. Someone needs to raze these cities ASAP. It’s absolutely haram.

Oh, there’s a war between the Iroquois and Kuikuro? Apparently Itsagahiti is about to fall.

Benin also hates Haida.

A massive sea confrontation rages outside a pair of Zimbabwean islands. The forces are rather even, but even if Ndongo wins, there’s no way they’ll be able to take either city.

Salya’Harad is in serious trouble. This is disastrous for Nenetsia.

4 arctic cities do not an empire make.

Mbwila and Kombi are sniped by Benin! I’m delighted, the days of weird snakey-Benin are over!

Calgary is burned. Canada needs to move quickly to stop it from disappearing completely, but with Windsor so close to falling, it’ll take a miracle.

Bergen is damaged but the Viking musketmen are taking their sweet time to get to the front lines. Military logistics are hard, kids.

Benin and Beta Israel make peace with barely a unit scratched between them.

The Qin also construct the Porcelain Tower, a power science wonder that could help catch them up to the other stronger contenders.

Welp, Canada recaptured Calgary, but at the cost of Windsor. In war, there are no winners, only widows.

Except for Metis, that is. They’re pretty clearly winning.

Matamba burned! Zimbabwe is making concrete progress, and Kabasa could be next. The Ghost of Kruger grins.

Uruguay joins the dogpile on Ndongo, but it probably won’t matter.

Big scary Khamug core. Lots of crossbows and knights, though no cannons in sight.

It’s enough to take Qing, I imagine. I would jump on that now and take those hundred acre woods while Qing is occupied with Shikoku.

Oh how I was wrong! Ndongo had three Antarctic settlements this whole time, and the Guay intends to spread across the south Atlantic. And who knows what ancient Babylonian secrets lie on the ice shelves, waiting to be uncovered.

Well, that’s it for me! Thanks to Blue Cassette for giving me the reigns on narration this time around! Cheers!