Episode 02: Never Gonayiv You Up – S1

Would you believe it? It’s Part 2 of the CBRX already! It seems like only last week when we were gifted with the first part of this new season, and while it certainly whetted the appetite, things are about to get spicy and substantial. We’ll be seeing wars, religions and soon-to-be infamous settles, I’m sure. This is Lacsirax Ariscal, power ranker, cartographer and fan since Mk. 1. Let’s get stuck in.

Coiot‘s note: This episode's cover comes to us through the fine talents of Jru, who makes a sudden reappearance on the sub. Warm Greetings.

This week saw the first issue of the Observer Observer, the #1 source of information for Babylonians everywhere. Hats off to HandaNauka for this curious look into the world of the shivering watchers, waiting for their sub to be delivered. I guess this also means LimerickArcher, member of Blue Cassette, canonically exists within the CBR universe. Figure that one out, writers!

Our first map of the week is DerErlenKonig’s tile-accurate map, which clearly shows a number of civs sitting pretty on their first two cities alone. Here’s hoping we see more civs grow outward this part, joining the likes of Songhai, Selk’nam and Zimbabwe. For a more detailed look in this style make sure to check out DEK’s variants, which include a better look at the terrain of the Cylinder, here: Map Album

Coiot‘s note: Experimenting with presenting a gif animation through Erlen’s many variations. You can still click on the album above for a still of each.

For a more stylised look at the world, check out DJjablonsky’s map too, complete with civ names in case you’re still getting your Qins and Qings muddled. And a quick shout-out to the Google map that I’ve been updating too, which already features some fantastic city lore from the wonderful /u/wthrudoin: City Google Map

With a lacklustre start from the Kazakhs, who led the PRs in Part 0, we awarded pole position to Zimbabwe this time round. Not only did they found four cities to nearby Ndongo’s two, they came top in this week’s production rankings, probably the most important ranking outside of military. We’ll be keeping a close eye on them this part. Speaking of which, that’s quite enough waffle...

We start in the Canadian prairies, where the Métis (pronounced Matey) have churned out three cities and have two more settlers on the go. They’re all fairly conservative settles—no wild provocative expansions yet. But with the land to the north becoming increasingly icy, Louis Riel will have to look south if he wants his people to thrive in the parts to come. Squint hard and you’ll see a wonder being built in Batoche—is that the Statue of Zeus or the Temple of Artemis? Both are useful!

In Central Asia, Mithridates of Persia has enrolled one of the cylinder’s first Great Generals, though we’re not sure of his name—it is the Ancient Era, I guess no one’s writing history down yet. He’s already got a fine army behind him, though. More to the point, he has an army; whichever Great General’s sitting in the Seljuq capital of Isfahan seems to have forgotten that crucial part of military science. We worried the Seljuqs would get boxed in fairly early, and India’s cheeky chokepoint city Allahabad seems to have done the trick already.

Canada link their disparate second settle of Montréal with a more reasonable Toronto, and are immediately punished by an Iroquois invasion. Mr King will have to stave off one of the largest armies of the ancient world, but I’ve a sneaking suspicion those huge lakes and waterfalls between them should help. The Métis look on from their brand new city of Fort Garry, not yet ready to pick a side.

But that’s not the only war this turn brings, as Nepal make good on the promise of an aggressive forward settle with an even more aggressive declaration of war. India has been neglecting their military, but might be able to stave off the Nepalese invaders for long enough to force a stalemate. It’ll be a close one, and either way Maratha will have cause to celebrate, already sending another settler north underneath their arguing neighbours’ noses.

Now is probably a good time to mention that some of the shots this part will seem a little off-centre and strangely framed. This is due to the way in which the first few turns were played and filmed, but from next part onwards it gets fixed, so fret not!

Well this is something. Lowest-ranked Haiti, who usually struggle to settle outside their tiny home island, have only gone and plonked a city on Venezuela’s doorstep! It’s actually a nice settle too, surrounded by rivers and placed on a hill for maximum defence. Of course, a better defence would be any sort of army, and Venezuela already look primed for a quick conquest. If I was being generous, I’d say this city was bait—after all, Chavez hasn’t built any naval units yet, so Haiti could sweep in and attack Caracas from the sea while he was distracted. That’s a pretty charitable reading, though.

The Nazca tend to play protective and conservative, so the Temple of Artemis should come in handy for them, with that growth bonus and ranged unit production buff. There’s a settler on the verge of staking a claim on the Amazon, too. You’ll remember in Mk 2 that cities founded there are incredibly hard to take in the early game, so while exposed it shouldn’t be impossible for Cahuachi to hold onto it.

It’s a tale of two cities as the Qin attackers around Yongcheng encroach on the Xia capital Yangcheng. In fact, it’s the first city we’ve seen take damage in CBRX history. Both Chinas have recently settled another city to the south, so even if a city should fall they both have bases to bounce back from. The Khamugs were spotted roaming south as well last part, and it looks like they’re sending another settler to join the party. In my professional opinion they should probably focus on reinforcing their core first, but who am I to argue with a Khan?

We also see Delhi take damage—a troublesome sight for Indira and her ministers, but they look more equipped to deal with the damage than Xia. It helps that Nepal’s archers are apparently engaged in training exercises in the forests south of the Ganges. Prithvi has instead sent a settler to the front line —Nepal are still only sitting on two cities, and if they throw away their only settler, they may stay this small for some time.

Our first shot this part of PR leaders Zimbabwe, and they’ve added a fifth city to their empire, the first contender to do so. The stats tell us they do have an army, but it’s nowhere to be seen here—perhaps it’s marching on Ndongo already? Alas, we just don’t know. South Africa has some of the most productive land on the cylinder, with plenty of useful resources, so we may be seeing a more evenly fielded army from them in the future.

From our current #1s to our previous champs, the Kazakhs, who had a timid Part 1. They seem to be overcompensating this part, with two new cities already—one of these, Almaty, placed frighteningly close to Parthia’s Hecatompylos (the other one, Sauran, is hiding just north of this scene). The Kazakhs may have little-to-no army ready to defend it, but Parthia is hardly overflowing with soldiers either, so either side will probably want to wait a while before exchanging blows. Is it a smart move for the Kazakh king Ablai Khan, or will he be the one left smarting?

Minoa face a somewhat predictable war from Nubia, who are themselves still lacking a third city or settler. They’ve started mass producing their unique archer replacement though, which gains extra movement when near a river. You know, like that huge one running through the middle of Nubia. Unfortunately for Minoa, they did bring some warriors along for the ride, and Phaistos looks unilaterally doomed. Minoa do have another settler waiting to replace the city should the worst come to pass—now hopefully they remember how to move it. Libya hover around Cyrenaica, whistling awkwardly.

Presumably Alaric of the Goths took one look at the unprotected, feeble and easily accessible lands of Muscovy and figured it wasn’t nearly enough of a challenge. No, Alaric only plays Guitar Hero on expert and he only goes to war with worthy rivals. This time he’s picked Tokhtamysh and the Golden Horde. And to be fair, while the Golden Horde are certainly fielding more forces than Ivan the Truly Terrible, it still pales in comparison to the Gothic masses. I hope Tokhtamysh likes The Cure...

The Kuikuro are notorious forest fortresses; they can build improvements without chopping down the surrounding woods, meaning they preserve those stellar defence bonuses for most of the game. Still, it looks like Venezuela are sending a recon mission to assess the situation—Mr. Chavez, Gonayiv is right there and still unprotected, I’m not sure this is a priority right now! The Nazca settle on Estaquería for the name of their new Amazonian paradise.

Well, what do you know, my favourite civ in the game! No, not that one… and, no not the one in Scandinavia either… it’s the Isle of Man, of course! We Menn and Womenn are hardy people, possibly even foolhardy for thinking we can play ball with the big boys and girls. But we do have one thing going for us - Castletown is the first city we’ve seen to have a population in the double digits. 11 people—which is nearly as many as the population of the real life Isle of Man. Scotland don’t exactly look threatening, as they seem less interested in soldiers and more invested in “trading”, whatever that means. In the corner, the Vikings look to populate their home-fjords a little more.

Now we have two civs apparently allergic to third cities. It’s not surprising in the case of Poverty Point, who tend to like playing tall. Their army’s on the move north, though the destination is currently unclear. It’s more alarming that the Iroquois still aren’t in city-spam mode—they’re infamous among Civ V players for being unstoppably expansive, but there was always a worry they’d get bogged down by feuds with the Canadians upstairs, a war which has not yet progressed any further.

One war that’s progressing just fine is Nubia’s attack on Phaistos —indeed, we could be about to witness the first city capture of the game, in Part 2 no less! Fortunately for Minoa, Nubia haven’t yet built a navy, on account of not yet having any coastal cities, so Minos might be able to flip it back. He also has his eyes on Greece, an area neglected by the European civs thus far. Libya stop whistling and settle Derna.

The other pale blue civ who were destined for great things only to disappoint in Part 1, it’s Uruguay! As with the Kazakhs they’ve started to make good on their copious amounts of space and have squeezed another city out, with a settler in Salto ready to add to the roster. I’m also just now realising how many resources I added in the Andes. Possibly overkill. In any case, Uruguay are sticking to the Paraná basin for now. That Haitian scout has travelled a long way from home.

Speaking of Uruguay, that exclamation mark tells us they’ve just changed party, from Colorados to Blancos. That will give them healthy bonuses to production and military, as well as a more aggressive AI. Approach with caution.

Back to the action in front of us, and we can see that the plucky Menn of Mann just bagged a wonder! It’s a brilliant one for them too, the Great Lighthouse, which grants better movement and sight for the armada they’ll soon construct. Of course, if they plan on keeping Douglas they could probably do with a boring land army too. The Holy Roman Empire are archer addicts, with just one warrior among their ranks. Their current leader Bismarck should look to negate that imbalance—they’ll not be conquering anything as it stands.

Yangcheng is the first capital to fall to the red, but Xia might have found a lifeline—they seem to have dispatched all the nearby warriors, leaving Qin Shi Huang’s nearest melee unit a few turns away. On the other hand, there are enough archers nearby to make sure that Yangcheng’s population stays in the red for some time—possibly even long enough for the Qin’s hit squad to arrive. To the north, the Qing army appears on the move. Are they going to kick the Xia while they’re down, or do they have a juicier, greyer target?

The PR team ranked the Czech Republic 12th this week. I ranked them 8th. One ranker put them 3rd! Yet now they look desperate, with no army to speak of and the Ottomans glaring down on the city of Ostrava… Yes, that’s an Ottoman declaration of war, I’m not sure why the alpha’s colour is different. Mehmed II also planted Edirne in Moldavia, making his focus on Europe ever more obvious. He’s still ignored Greece though, and the Minoan settler is really on a journey north now. And say, what’s that Palmyrene army doing? Could Zenobia have struck a deal with Czechia?

The Aztecs have their vanilla unique unit, the Jaguar Warrior, but are otherwise looking pretty dismal, settling a conservative third city that seems designed to be as unthreatening as possible. It’s a wasted opportunity, as the Apache are also looking pretty quiet themselves, seemingly placing Tsokanende in an attempt to block Poverty Point from settling any further west—not that Poverty Point look like they want to settle anywhere.

What’s that sound? Is that the screams of thousands of innocents watching their homes being burnt to a crisp for the first time in history? I think it is! Nubia capture Phaistos, nabbing the coveted trophy for First City Capture. That said, the less coveted trophy for Second City Capture might go to Minoa, as they’ve an archer and a couple of triremes in prime position to retake their second city. Sadly for us Crete crazies, Nubia still have the upper hand, and it looks like the city’s palatial labyrinth will be converted into a pyramid soon enough. Eagle-eyed viewers will see Palmyra finally field another settler.

By now some of you may have noticed the two unfamiliar pictures in the notifications bar. The CBRX has around 20 brand new custom wonders added to the mix, courtesy of Pouakai. The first of the pair is Gobekli Tepe, an archaeological site in Turkey, and one of the oldest known man-made structures in existence. And it’s been built by the otherwise quiet Sulu! An excellent choice, they’ll be sure to make good use of the… +3 faith and +2 faith bonus on stone and marble. Oh. Well, at least they have another settler on the go.

The second wonder here is considerably more useful; the Banaue Rice Terraces, found in our world’s Philippines, gives +1 food to all hill tiles in the city it was constructed. It’s Australia who have built that one, and presuming they built it in their capital Canberra, that could really help them out with early game growth—they evidently need it, looking at the measly 4 population the city holds now. In the foreground, New Zealand appear to be stagnating after a quick and expansive start. They’d do well to get a decent navy off the ground (ha) as soon as possible.

Another turn, another wonder, this one a lot more familiar; the Qing have built the Great Library in Beijing. They’re already cultural powerhouses thanks to their uniques, so a science bonus on top of that is very natty. It can’t help them expand though—incredibly, for a civ that are usually one of the first to five cities, they’ve only just managed a third city and don’t have any other settlers on the go (that new city’s just out of shot, south of the Yellow Sea). Instead, Korea look to take advantage of the open Manchurian expanse. They’re an underdog in this competition, but so far Seonjo’s not put a foot wrong.

Striking on a moment of weakness, both German-speaking civs declare war on Havel’s Czech Republic, with HRE even founding Augsburg a short distance from Prague to prepare. Granted, neither they nor Prussia look too committed to this fight—they’re probably only doing this to get into the Ottomans’ good books. Czechia settle Plzen in a place that would be very difficult for them to defend but very easy for Prussia to defend in the future, if they actually engage in this war and take the city. In the sidebar we can see one civ has taken Havel’s side; Palmyra has declared war on the Ottomans.

The Goths descend on Sarai Batu, scratching the city walls, though Tokhtamysh by now has summoned together a decent collection of archers ready to give their lives for their capital. But Alaric, the absolute madman, has an elicit flanking force approaching from the southwest! Just because you’re a barbarian, doesn’t mean you don’t apply basic military tactics. That said, there’s one very Civ-specific tactic he might have overlooked: you do need to bring along a melee unit if you actually want to capture the city. Meanwhile, Muscovy are wiping the sweat off their foreheads and toasting their close shave.

Have all these wars and wonders worn you out? Take a breather with Algeria, whose sole contribution to the game thus far is the weirdly named city of Mascara. Abdelkader’s eyes are surely on FLEEK. To the north, the Moors have founded another city, Mursiyyah. The public poll ranked these guys in the top 5. I honestly don’t understand why, but currently they at least seem pretty carefree.

It’s all kicking off in the sidebar, but let’s focus on what’s in front of us at the moment: Canada. If the Iroquois ever mounted a serious attack on them, it’s evaporated. But what’s that in Indiana, a Poverty Point army? And one that’s apparently taking damage? Take my word for it: Poverty Point have declared war on Canada, sending a decent force to Montréal. This is pretty disastrous for Canada, who have neglected defending that outpost in order to stem the pithy Iroquois assaults. But it’s also a fairly strange move for Poverty Point, who could surely have pounced on the under-protected Apache instead—a more pressing threat, one would think. Here’s hoping Tahera can see the wood for the trees and doesn’t get caught off-guard.

Yangcheng has fallen! I repeat, Yangcheng has fallen! It’s only turn 39 but our first capital is already down—whatsmore, there’s no way Xia are taking that back any time soon. Did I say Xia? Because I of course mean Shang, as the loss of their capital means they have now entered a new dynastic cycle, gaining a minor science bonus and a brand new dynastic capital—Yin, which you may remember was called Chu before. It’s a very cool mechanic, but we might not get a chance to see it used again! In any case the obvious focus for the Qin is now Qiongshi, with Yin being marginally more protected.

Anyway, that seems to be everything in this scene, moving along… no, of course not, you’ve all seen it. The Khamugs settle Ba’arin down near Shanghai. And honestly, it looks pretty defensible from land, distant enough from its neighbours that I doubt anyone will bother it for a while. On the other hand, the moment Shikoku or Korea send a navy its way, it’s toast. What’s a CBR without some bonkers settles though? Kudos to Khamugs for kicking us off.

India and Nepal wisely agree to stop their futile fistfight with immediate effect. No, they should band together to focus on the real threat - those dastardly Marathi. The newly built city of Sangameshwar will be a tough nut to crack with its protective mountain, but either Indira or Prithvi could have a good stab at Satara or Pune. Nepal also look to settle Bengal, but not if Taungoo get there first.

A lone scouting mission sent from Toussaint L’Ouverture looks out at the giant blue expanse that marks the edge of the known world. Are they imagining it, or do they see islands in the distance? One day, Haiti. One day you’ll be able to cross the ocean and find your true calling, reclaiming the Old World for the New as the successor to the mythical Mr. Morgan.

Or you’ll be eliminated by Part 10. One of the two.

They’re safe for the time being, anyway, as Chavez turns his ire to the Kuikuro instead. While most of Anetü’s army is made up of scouts (shouldn’t they be scouting?), he has started producing the Kuikuro UU, the Huka-Huka. They gain XP much quicker than ordinary warriors, and take a healthy 30% strength bonus when near a city celebrating We Love the King Day. We have no way of telling which cities are celebrating We Love the King Day. Also, is it only me or is that one of the weirdest names for a mechanic in the game? What if you’re playing as a queen? Or hell, what if you’re running Communism?

Anyway, the Kuikuro’s main defence as always are trees. There’s no way Venezuela’s skirmish force can dent them just yet. Meanwhile, Gonayiv actually has a garrison now.

There’s still plenty of unclaimed land on the Cylinder, and perhaps one of the last places to be settled will be the scorching outback of Western Australia. Papua are having a think about it, sending a scout to map the coastline. Honestly, this would be a very good area for them to settle, building an isolated second core that could serve as a useful backdoor for taking on the two Australian nations. But let’s see if they can get off New Guinea first, eh?

Uruguay and Nazca are currently enjoying a cushy trading relationship, but attempts to extend the free market further south might be scuppered by the newest Uruguayan settler, which is wandering squarely in the direction of the Selk’nam. Certainly Lavalleja seems more preoccupied with the Pampas plains than the fertile states of southern Brazil. It’s not the blistering start we were expecting from Uruguay, but they’re still looking very comfortable.

A Kiwi scout has also sailed to the edge of their known world and looked out over the endless blue. Any islands they see are but mirages. New Zealand will have to expand in other directions—either land a commanding presence on the Australian continent, or pay Tonga a visit.

How many of these scouts do you recognise? There are some here who are very far from home indeed, all keen to produce the best map of frigid Siberia the Cylinder has ever seen. I guess frozen oceans are all the rage at the moment. The Evenks already know this land well, and are instead settling it, founding Vanavara with another settler headed further west. We see plenty of new denouncements or friendships announced in the sidebar—if you want to know the juicy details, you’ll have to watch the video footage, which you should be able to find in the main Reddit post.

The Sami place a beautiful city at the strategic crossroads of St Petersburg… well, this one’s got the less memorable name of Divtasvuodna, but you get my point. It’s a very tasty forward settle that’s already annoyed Frederick the Great’s Prussian envoys, who were planning to plonk a city there themselves. If Eadni can cling on to this city, and reinforce it, it will provide a decent base for the highest-ranked Euro to wreak havoc on her home continent.

Even in this early stage of the game, there aren’t many regions of Eurasia that no civ has dared to settle yet, but the Tarim Basin is one of them. Only a few scouts have even approached the desolate desert, one of the least hospitable places in the world—though, this being the CBR, I’m predicting we’ll see it filled with megapolises soon enough.

Qing may not have been expansive as we expected, but they’ve definitely been cultivating a tasty army, and thankfully for the underprotected Koreans they’ve gone for the easiest pickings on the planet, the Xia… Shang, I mean Shang. It’s a mighty army bearing down on Yin, but Qin haven’t given up on Qiongshi either. Holy cow, it took around 15 parts for a civ to fall in CBR Mk 2. Could we be getting an elimination in Part TWO?! I wouldn’t count it out!

Minoa attempt to force access into Phaistos’ harbour, but with their archer now gone it’s going to get a lot harder. They do settle Malia in Greece, but I have to ask, why that spot of all places? It’s nearly surrounded by coastal tiles, and there’s a famed naval powerhouse just a few miles to the north. Still, if they do hold it, it’ll scupper Venice’s plans for naval supremacy for the foreseeable future. In Libyan Derna, Omar Mukhtar hires his unique Great General, the Al-Qayid, which can build citadels in desert tiles that generate extra food. Nubia have a settler hanging around Suez. Come on Nubia! Do the thing!

Oman continue their unexpected wide play with a settlement on the Euphrates, Nakhal. If the Seljuks had bothered to send an army to protect Rey, this move would have seemed suicidal, but currently I’d put more money on Palmyra blitzing both cities. Zenobia does have a settler on the go, looking to join the Mesopotamian medley. Wasn’t there a Seljuk settler here a moment ago? Where did that get to?

Algeria burst onto the world scene with probably the most brazen settle we’ve seen so far! Constantine is a stone’s throw from Gao, the Songhai capital, and Abdelkader’s even sending another settler south as we speak. Askia hasn’t been slacking himself, founding Aoudaghost in a very tasty location. He does seem very spread out, and it doesn’t look like he’s got the army to deal with this egregious insult just yet.

Okay Anetü, I know I said you and your Kuikuro brethren had nothing to fear from Venezuela’s rather meagre attack. But I didn’t mean you were safe to send a settler onto the front lines with just a Huka-Huka to protect him. You do you, but don’t be surprised if they go missing and suddenly there’s a Venezuelan city where they were once standing. To the north, Haiti wonder why they can’t seem to build an offshore platform on all this visible oil. You’ve got some time to wait yet, guys, I think it’s unlocked at Plastics.

You know how I warned earlier there’d be a couple of weird angles this Part? Yeah… you’ll have to squint at the corner for this one. But it’s big news, as the Murri declare war on Australia, which shouldn’t be a huge surprise to anyone given Australia had somewhat boxed them in. The terrain around Canberra is probably too difficult to attack right now, but Australia’s army is pathetically small, and Sydney might well be an easy conquest, with a warrior already at the doors of the city, and more to come.

Gobekli Tepe must be working wonders for the Sulu Tourism Board, as their capital Bauang is rated the greatest city on the Cylinder. In fact a lot of island cities appear here; I guess even in this parallel universe people love beaches. Castletown and Kochi have both surpassed a million population - that’s genuinely more than twelve times as many people who live in the irl Isle of Man.

Of all the civs to found religion #2, it’s only Algeria, which has quickly become one of the most interesting nations around. Even stranger, that means both religions founded thus far have their holy cities on the north coast of Africa! And with Libya taking Algeria’s default religion of Sunni, Abdelkader instead introduces Nestorianism, which in our world is a Mesopotamian sect of Christianity that was at one point the most widely spread branch in Asia, its adherents spreading as far east as China. Can Algeria replicate a similar level of success? Let’s peek at the beliefs.

The first one’s certainly handy: faith healers, which provides a huge healing bonus to units near friendly cities. Maybe Algeria shouldn’t spread that religion too far after all! Of the pantheons we haven’t seen before, the beliefs are mostly prosaic. I think the Altanese are the Golden Horde but please, PLEASE don’t quote me on that.

We’ve seen the Sunni beliefs before, but we do see some new pantheons here. Look out for some Beta Israeli wonders with that buffed Monument to the Gods belief, while the Lighthouse bonus of Ocean’s Bounty is a nice early buff for Madagascar.

The other Nestorian belief is a little underwhelming, given the AI’s usual approach to gold. The Iroquois predictably pick up the forest-friendly pantheon, while Haiti win the prize for best-named pantheon, even as the bonus is almost entirely useless.

We picked a great time to look at religious beliefs, missing out on seeing a powerful enhancer belief by one turn. Meanwhile, the Yup’ik almost guarantee they’ll pick one up with the construction of the faith-happy Stonehenge. After settling the Cylinder’s first third city (does that make sense at all?), they’ve stayed very quiet, with no settlers to their name either. Those warriors with the funky logo are capable of settling, however, so don’t rule out a couple new cities in the near future. Incidentally, I’m fairly sure Yup’ik is the singular, and we should be calling them the Yupiit. But I won’t lose sleep over it.

One scene and four brand new cities—we’re being spoiled. From top to bottom: Alaric find a sunny shore on the Black Sea that feels Just Like Heaven, and founds Oium. Whether the Goths can cling on to this city is unclear—the Golden Horde have a chariot archer hanging around nearby, but we can’t see enough to assess the situation properly. Said Golden Horde further justify their inclusion as the “Caucasus” civ by founding Atil in Azerbaijan. It’s a very defensible hilltop city that should prove a handy retreat if their war with the Goths turns south. And south of that is Merv, an even more protected city that makes up for the Seljuqs being beaten to the chase at the River Tigris. And it’s Palmyra who beat them, with Circesium placed comfortably on the river’s western banks—a perfect forward base for the wars to come.

That’s not the only peril the Seljuqs face this turn, as Mithridates sends the Parthian army squarely at Hamadan. Alp Arslan’s defending forces are nothing to sniff at, but it’s safe to say Parthia have the upper hand for now. With all that said, they seem increasingly unconvinced that the Kazakhs could ever be a threat, with the gates of Hecatompylos left wide open. Maybe Mithridates and Ablai Khan are best friends forever. We’ll see.

Canton slipped a lot in the rankings this week, but it’s still worth saying there’s a big old space between them and the other Chinas, and they've yet time to fill in the gap—well, if the Khamugs don’t fill it first. Ching Shih has founded Macao opposite Taiwan; it’s wise for her to keep building coastal cities, as that’s where her uniques really come into play. That said, I can’t actually see a navy yet… don’t tell me you still haven’t researched Sailing, Ching Shih? To the north, Qiongshi takes its first hits. I love Xia (well, Shang now) and it’s devastating to see them fold so quickly, but I’ll be damned if it’s not also exciting to see someone be eviscerated so decisively in the second part!

Algeria’s recent antics have earned two declarations of war; one from the land they blatantly forced their way into, and in this scene, one from the original religious dons of Africa. That said, Mukhtar’s Libya don’t look prepared for the war, with their miserably small army barely even at the Algerian borders. As a matter of fact, what have Libya been building? I see no new settlers, no wonders under construction… this isn’t a promising start.

The story is similar down south, with Songhai yet to produce an army worthy of taking on Constantine, or the newer settle of Tlemcen. Algeria might somehow get away with this one. God, and to think I insinuated they were boring a few scenes ago—they’ve really come into their own these past few centuries.

Christ, now this is disastrous. I had high hopes for Papua coming into this, and they’re well and truly dashed now. Not only have they yet to build a settler, they’ve missed out on settling even their home island, with Sulu sneaking Sandakan across the mountains. Australia have also settled north, shutting off yet another avenue from Rajapapua. Speaking of which, a plucky Murri warrior has a stab at Perth, but it’s safe to say nothing’s going to come of it.

Nyatsimba Mutota builds the Pyramids, further beautifying the bountiful, oh-so-peaceful lands of Zimbabwe. It’s not an especially useful wonder, but it’s at least a sign their production is top-notch—and I’ll take those signs where I can, because their army is still non-existent. We’ve not got a clear look at Ndongo for a while, but I know I’ll be scouring the video to see how much of a threat Nzinga poses right now, as Zimbabwe is looking ever more glass than cannon.

Yeah!! Minoa!! Phaistos is retaken, signalling a golden age for the brave and valiant Minoan people, enshrining the heroes who recaptured the city forever and- ah, who am I kidding, it’s turning Nubian again next turn. That Nubian settler is still hovering (unprotected) around Sinai, but more interestingly Minoa are sending a settler out, this time toward Asia. With the Ottomans abandoning Anatolia and Palmyra currently concerned with expanding east, Minos could seize the opportunity to carve out a little Mediterrean domain for himself here, with or without Phaistos. I’d like a few more triremes though, if that’s not too much to ask. Off-screen, Alaric’s war with the Golden Horde ends in, um, Disintegration.

Well, Prussia’s army turned up. And whaddya know, they captured Plzen just like that. No, I’m not crying, it’s just… humid. At least Prague is still unscathed, with the HRE completely unengaged in the Czech bonanza. Somewhere in the city, Kafka is churning out a short story that’s even more despondent than usual.

We won’t get another look at the religion screen this part, but BC have told me which religions have been founded where, albeit in an uncertain order. So let’s just introduce the new religions in an order of my choosing, and feel free to yell at me in the comments about how I got everything twisted and tangled. First up, another country that would usually take Sunni as their default: the Seljuqs found Oriental Orthodoxy! You may recognise it as Ethiopia’s religion from Part 2… or the nation of Ethiopia in general. Meanwhile, the Evenks found Samanism, which is a letter away from Shamanism, and I’m fairly sure they’re the same thing.

Ooh, I was right about the Seljuqs nabbing their religion now! Phew, that’s a weight off my back for sure. The weight is still firmly on the backs of the Seljuqs, however, who see their city of Hamadan assaulted by Parthia. Curiously, it appears the Seljuq army hasn’t been destroyed but has simply… moved the other way. Do they know something I don’t? Either way, this just got a lot easier for Mithridates and Parthia.

Well, Phaistos falling is hardly a shock, so let’s look at the positives instead: Nubia have left the Suez area and sent their settler towards the Sahara Desert instead. Wait, that also sounds like a negative. Let me try again… Minoa sends their settler a tile further east! Oh my, now what if THEY founded the canal spot instead? I mean, it would probably fall to Nubia in seconds, a nation that wouldn’t be able to make use of it as they have no way of building a navy while Phaistos is still puppeted. Oh man, this came out as a negative again. I must still be cut up about Phaistos.

Gosh, Poverty Point successfully capture Montréal! I have to say, as much as I like this civ, I had little faith in them to pull this off, but it’s Tahera who takes the first city in the Americas. Not only that, it looks like they’re moving onto Toronto, and even with Canada seemingly at de facto peace with the Iroquois, capturing Toronto seems like a very credible goal. There’s just one thing nagging at me, and it’s right in that bottom left corner. That’s a lot of Apache warriors wandering around in the wilderness for seemingly no reason. I’ve been hurt before, and I can absolutely believe the Apache would seize on a moment when Tahera’s guard was down and ego was up. The Métis continue to observe. Hey Riel, that’s OUR job!

Because I’m never allowed to be happy for more than a scene at a time, we cut to China and—wow. The Xia/Shang are just being blown to pieces. It’s almost embarrassing. Yin, their new dynastic capital, falls to the Qing effortlessly. The yellow army look ready to move onto the next city, but there is no next city. Indeed all the First Emperor has now is Qiongshi, the city being besieged by the Qin as we speak. But what does that mean for Dowager Cixi’s Qing? Where will they move next? Well, that brand new Khamug city looks tasty, although the Khamugs will be less of a pushover than the Xi-ang were. Their core is directly north of Qing’s, and Jamukha Khan could sacrifice Barlas for a shot on Beijing and Mukden.

Did you remember Palmyra were at war with the Ottomans? Don’t worry, neither did they. But you should remember that Czechia were being invaded by the latter, and Mehmed II is pretty close to making headway on Ostrava, tearing down around half of the city’s fortifications. At this point, Havel would be better served cutting his losses and holding the line at Brno, where he has a somewhat more in-shape army. Down in Greece, Malia looks very vulnerable—Minos is lucky Mehmed hasn’t noticed him yet.

While Nepalese scouts sweat their hair off in Hejaz, the Mesopotamian nations squint at each other menacingly. This pot’s about to boil, I’m sure of it, especially if that Seljuk settler further salts the stew with another cheeky settle. Speaking of cheeky, Minoa make landfall in the Levant. Jerusalem was a tricky little nut to crack in Mk. 2, so they’d do well to stop moving and set down there. Knowing the AI, they’ll settle in the middle of the Arabian Desert instead.

Oof, take that! We saw Uruguay were headed south for their next settle, but take a gander at the minimap (uh, maybe on the next slide when the cursor’s out of the way) and you’ll see Paysandú is placed very forcefully on the Selk’nam’s frontiers. Another settler is headed north to a less incendiary location. With all that said, Uruguay is meant to be under the military-minded Blancos right now, and yet we’re not seeing much of a military just yet. Still, if Paysandú successfully keeps the Selk’nam at bay, Uruguay aren’t at risk of being attacked any time soon.

Hamadan continues to take damage, but the Seljuqs have conjured some archers out of nowhere, so hope is not yet lost. Elsewhere, we see another first for the Cylinder—the first irrelevant wars. It wouldn’t be a huge AI game if we didn’t see civs declare war on other civs they clearly had no intention of attacking, and we see the Golden Horde and India lead the way, both sending angry letters to Oman. Still, worth making a note of, as these wars tend to precede more exciting ones—could Oman’s forceful settles have overstepped certain civs’ boundaries? You may also notice Bombay is in resistance. No, it hasn’t been invaded without us noticing; Indira’s UA plunges her cities into resistance when a new building is constructed in her capital, offering double yields for a short time after they emerge from it. In any case, it’s good to see India have completely squandered the advantage they held over Maratha at the start of this war.

Scout-Con is being hosted by the Evenks this part (I’m thinking it will probably cycle between them and the Nenets on a part-by-part basis). I don’t see any guests from the Americas just yet, but it’s only a matter of time before they get invited too. The Evenks have been quite comfy in their isolated northern taiga, with a special shoutout going to the citizens of Baykit—when making the Google Map for Part 1, I realized Baykit is placed perfectly on its IRL counterpart, a very small village. And hey, I was right about them getting a religion too! Two points to me so far. Anyway, the Evenks might not be lonely for long—looks like the Khamugs are headed north, and given how far south they ventured earlier this part, who knows where they could end up? The North Pole? The Moon?

Alas, Poverty Point might have bitten off more than they can chew, as their army around Toronto has dissolved. Oh well, they still made a solid gain from this war, and in even better news for them it appears the Apache army hanging around their western borders has scattered somewhat, with just one warrior spotted heading north towards the Métis, who may or may not have realised there are other people in the game by now. Canada, apparently untroubled by the loss of Montréal (which was always an ambitious settle anyway) build another settler in their capital.

The only real action visible in this scene is Ostrava continuing to be hammered right at the bottom there, but if I think too much about that it’ll get humid again, so let’s focus on these new settles instead. I say new, but I spotted that Muscovite city on the minimap a while back. Now we can get a good look at it, I can safely say that… yeah, that’s Gothic whenever Alaric wants it. Muscovy is still allergic to armies, apparently avoiding conquest through brilliant diplomacy alone. Prussia found Potsdam, and in doing so look worryingly like Mk. 2 Poland at their peak. Still, Frederick’s family have overperformed so far, and while they don’t look concerned with continuing the Czech invasion, they don’t seem at any current risk either.

Hang on, where did all that come from? No one on the Cylinder seems to have built a convincing navy yet—no one except Sakamoto Ryoma, that is. Shikoku also boast a newish city in Nakamura (well, we actually spotted it last part) and a very high population in Kochi. Shikoku’s UA, which grants bonus science when they land on new landmasses for the first time, complements the early game, so hopefully they get a chance to use this newfound power soon.

The Parthians capture Hamadan! There’s no way Alp Arslan’s getting that one back, either—not with two new declarations of war headed his way from both Oman and Palmyra. Last time we checked in, Oman didn’t have much in the way of an army, but Palmyra could prove very provocative. Still, both Isfahan and Merv are in very fortified locations, so don’t assume we’ll see a total Seljuq meltdown just yet. Make sure you don’t miss that Indian settler creeping north into the Himalayas.

The war for Phaistos is well and truly over; there aren’t any Minoan triremes left at all, and that lone warrior making landfall in the Nile Delta has as much a chance of capturing a city as transforming into a Giant Death Robot. But Minoa DO settle Gournia in the spot I’d picked out. Almost as if I’d read ahead, huh? One thing I’ve definitely only just spotted though: Nubia settle a bizarre new city, Kerma, around IRL Cairo. Not coastal, not on a hill, barely outside the territory they already own… try harder next time, Piye. Oh hell, I’ve just noticed something else! With Kerma and Gournia both settled, there’s no way to found the Suez Canal! Can’t you do anything right, Nubia?!

Murri and Australia put a kibosh on their uneventful war, which doesn’t seem to have left either nation much worse for wear. Murri could do to expand quickly, but without any settlers on the go I’m not hopeful. New Zealand sit unmenacingly to the east. I was firmly not on board the NZ hype train this week that pushed them into the top 20, and for once I feel validated; after an admittedly speedy four cities last part they don’t seem to have produced anything for the past twenty turns.

Now, this is more like it! Scotland and the Manx’s war comes even sooner than expected. But honestly, despite the fact Scotland declared it, there’s no immediate front-runner; with Mann now having two cities up and running in England, Scotland’s forces might well split and squander their chances. And while Mann’s army is smaller than Scotland’s, it’s also more advanced—they’re fielding some of the Cylinder’s first ever spearmen (I would say THE first, but I did see some Goths carrying spears a few scenes back). I could see this being a stalemate, too. Meanwhile, the HRE have two whole settlers on the go—the race to six is ON so long as you don’t look at the minimap too closely.

Another religion has been founded! Let me pick another from the list… hm… oh, this one’s interesting. Sulu found a religion this part, and as you may already know, they’re another Sunni Sultanate in real life. So they’ve opted for the Bulgarian heresy of Bogomilism! This is a very interesting extinct variant on Christianity which celebrated the body as the ultimate temple, and eventually influenced the more famous Catharism. It was also the origin of a very, um, English swear word. You do the maths.

Time for a better look at that dastardly forward settle from Uruguay, and a better shot of the Selk’nam world in general. Another civ that were quick to four cities, and another civ who now seem reticent to expand further. But they do construct one of the greatest wonders of the world, the fierce Statue of Zeus. That city capture bonus is spicy, but you can’t capture cities without an army, and right now the Selk’nam aren’t boasting much. They do have their UU, the K’mal. It’s a cheaper, slightly stronger spearman that can move after attacking—I’m not sure how useful those skirmish tactics will be in a full-on invasion, mind.

Elsewhere, Parthia peace out with the Seljuqs, keeping Hamadan. That’s a wise call, as the next couple of cities were much better defended—but will they preserve their momentum and turn on a preoccupied Kazakhs next? On the other hand, I have no idea how many spare kidneys Havel offered to Mehmed to land his Czech Republic a peace treaty with the Ottomans, without even conceding Ostrava. A lucky break for Czechia, and honestly, a decision that could well come back to bite Mehmed.

I know the last thing of interest here is a new religion, but I am honour-bound to tell you that the Qing have founded Confucianism in Beijing. Got that? Good. Now looky here! The Kazakhs go to war with the Nenets, and I’m sure Mithridates is heaving a huge sigh of relief to know that his gamble with Hecatompylos has apparently paid off. The Nenets meanwhile are just happy to get a screenshot. By the way, that Nenets UA is a Chariot Archer replacement that can sacrifice itself for a big old culture bomb, and can also cross ice. It’s hard to call right now, but I think Nyar’yana Marq could potentially be in big trouble.

In the other exciting war this turn, Shikoku actually use that huge navy they’re sporting and assault Korea! I did think Pyongyang was looking awfully exposed, and it’s hard to see Seonjo holding onto it for long. And unlike most naval attacks, Sakamoto has actually reinforced the area with land troops too, possibly preventing the flipfest that these watery wars often turn into. In other news: what on earth happened in Qiongshi? Shang looked like an absolute goner last time we tuned in, but now its their archers that raze the farms outside their former capital. A comeback seems unlikely, but at least they’ve just about clung onto life.

Things have heated up in the Sahel, with a sudden and huge Songhai army descending on Constantine. Barring any sudden peace treaty, the city is history —and Askia might drag Tlemcen down with it for good measure. We can see injured soldiers on the Libyan front, but neither side appears to have made much impact on the other up there.

Another religion? The last one on my list is the Yup’ik, who predictably took a religion after building Stonehenge earlier this part. A religion called… good luck Dawkinzz… Angakkunngurniq. An-gak-kun-ngur-niq. I’m sure it’s easier to pronounce if you speak an Inuit language, it being their word for a kind of holy man similar to the Cherokee medicine man. A fitting faith for their icy cousins in Alaska. Meanwhile, Venezuela found a new city… ohhhh, a canal city! The Panama Canal is actually almost impossible to avoid settling given how loooong Panama is. But still, it’s a relief to see it appear after Suez was cancelled a few scenes ago. Haiti have spearmen, but I wouldn’t break out the streamers and party poppers just yet; their army and navy is still pretty meagre, though Venezuela’s navy being non-existent is reassuring for now.

You’ve got to be kidding me… The Kuikuro keep their settler alive long enough to found a city right in the midst of Venezuela’s vast armies. Actually, said army seems to have retreated, but unless they signed Open Borders I think this must be a non-binding ceasefire rather than a fully fledged peace treaty. One thing’s for sure—Venezuela blew their shot to take out Gonayiv while it would have been a walk in the park. No doubt they could still do it, but Haiti would only let it go kicking and screaming now—perhaps enough to scratch Venezuela hard enough for a naval assault.

We close today’s proceedings with a scene of jolly Tonga, who currently seem happy to fulfil the same role Hawaii took last time around. They do manage a third city in Mu’a, and if you squint you’ll see a Sulu Proa (a faster trireme replacement) is paying them a visit. Tonga either go hard or stay home, and at the moment we’re definitely getting the latter.

That’s all for this rundown, but it sure ain’t all there is to see. A squint at the minimap shows us too many new cities to run down here, but out of the civs little-seen in this part, the Most Improved award has to go to Taungoo, who have settled a decent five cities. Incredibly, our largest civs are Songhai and Prussia on 6, while Papua, Canada, the Iroquois, the Murri, Scotland, Benin and Beta Israel languish on 2. If you want to see all these new settles in action, check out the raw video footage that’s posted alongside every part. Other than that, stay tuned for even more excitement to come, keep making your batshit OCs, and please riot at every single mistake I made. Thanks for reading, see you in the comments!