Episode 26: Dancing on the Cliff’s Edge – S1

Hey! Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or good night, wherever you are in the world. My name’s /u/JCPoly, and welcome back to the one and only Civilization Battle Royale. I’ve been around this sub since the very beginning but somehow haven’t narrated an episode yet, so a big thanks to Blue Cassette for that! With that out of the way, let’s get into the action.

/u/AutisticNotWeird appeals to the stats nerd in everybody with his chart showing where the original bottom 10 civs are now. Shockingly, only 2 have been eliminated.

/u/Vihreaa, the resident cartographer of the sub, continues to blow us all away with the hand-drawn maps of the cylinder. Personally, I’m a fan of the diagonal lines used to distinguish a puppet city.

Wow, look, it’s another /u/Vihreaa map! This one is a prediction of Part 40. Quite bold, I must say. I think my main issue with these predictions is the general lack of bordergore, but I do appreciate the idea that it won’t be there.

For the first time since Part 8, Uruguay is not at the top of the power rankings. Don’t worry, Uruguay fans, they’re still number 2. The Iroquois have taken over the top spot now, which is something I’m not sure I can get behind. Probably why I’m not a power ranker. (To the PR team: feel free to change that ;) )

We start today’s episode up north, where the Nenets have decided to declare war against Nepal. What great and incredibly relevant war declaration. At least they meant well.

The Vikings appear to be making slow progress into Prussia, with Plzen (gesundheit) and Marienburg both in black. A Viking cavalry stands next to Plzen ready to capture the city. That probably won’t last very long, as Frederick has enough forces to flip it back.

Now that Shikoku has brought a small fleet to defend Hawaii, Ryoma decides to peace out with the Nazca. How sad. Not that the Nazca had a chance of taking anything in Hawaii, but I would have liked to see a Nazcan Hawaii, even if it was just for a turn.

Oh, good old Iroquois. We thought everything was going right for you. Geronimo can count his blessings for another day, as the Iroquois have largely forgotten to bring melee units again. The Great War Infantry two tiles outside Shis-Inday is really the only thing that could make a difference here.

The Khamugs break through the mountains surrounding Madurai and probably just waltz into the city. India most likely won’t be getting it back. Unfortunately for the Khamugs, Calcutta and Jaipur are even harder to reach than Madurai, so their conquest will probably stop here.

The Nazca deal a sliver of damage to Nokugu and have begun moving a force in range of Kuhikugu. This has also emptied out a large portion of their core. Not like anyone’s actually going to do anything, but just thought I’d point that out. Take notes, Uruguay and Venezuela.

Pokhara is firmly in Marathan control now, but they have a lot of Nepalese units to get through before any more progress can be made. A Seljuk Crossbowman observes the fighting, thinking of what could have been. Also, Taungoo has stolen even more territory from Nepal. How rude.

Ah, Nubia. Napata is one of the biggest cities on the Cylinder at 52 people. Also incredibly large is the city Palmyra with 53 citizens. Palmyra as a civ has recently decided to just kind of take a back seat to the whole war thing and relax for a while. Good on you, Palmyra. Must be the Uruguay peacekeepers. Speaking of which, I count a whole 12 different civs represented on this slide.

Some of the Haida navy has ended up sailing through the western Pacific, as the Shikoku navy breaks off, presumably heading back to Japan, as they really don’t appear to be fighting Taungoo, who they are still at war with. I’m not exactly sure where either are going, but I wish them both the best of luck in getting there.

In a brilliant ploy by Hugo Chavez, the classical/ancient department of the Haida navy have brought their galleasses and war canoes for Aztec viewing, with the hope to distract the Aztecs from caring about the impending Venezuelan invasion. It really hasn’t worked so far, but Monty has lost ground that he won’t be gaining back, and Tenochtitlan looks tantalizing.

Up in Greenland, the stalemate over Apache and Iroquois territory continues. Neither side looks poised to take more action. Also (not really) notable, Korea and Parthia declare war on the poor Evenks, who are too small to do anything about because they don’t border anyone. I would argue they’re the closest thing CBRX has seen to Tibet thus far.

Alert! This is not a drill! The Nazca are on the verge of breaking through! Kuhikugu is down to half health, and it looks like the Nazca still have plenty of firepower. Will it be enough? History says no, but it’s gotta happen at some point, right?

Poor Golden Horde. Parthia has looked to Taungoo and stolen almost half of the Horde’s land, reducing them to a mere six tiles, only 4 of which are workable. Even worse, half of those tiles are occupied by non-Horde units. Palmyra, taken aback, has responded by stealing land all the way up to Isfahan.

Astute readers may remember that last episode, LunarNeedle said, “Pretty nifty should New Zealand declare on Australia which… wouldn’t be wise.” Welp, New Zealand didn’t get to decide, as Australia took the opportunity to declare war first. Luckily for the Kiwis, Uruguayan peacekeepers will be very effective at keeping Australian soldiers away from Meanjin, although they won’t be stopping any aerial attacks.

Moving up to the northern front, and we find Bunbury, Hohodae, and Susaki all looking very precarious. New Zealand won’t have much of a chance to get them back either. Also, shoutout to Australia for trying to clean up bordergore!

Nepal and Maratha make peace. Nepal even escapes with Bhaktapur. Nepal has been put in a really tough spot here, surrounded by huge powerhouses that all have the capability to take them out in one go if given the opportunity. The stalemate between India and Parthia continues, although Parthia has a small opportunity to break through at Jaipur.

Taungoo’s South Pacific holdings look peaceful right now, as long as you avoid the fighting directly south of them. A New Zealand Great Admiral has gotten lost on his way to the front or is currently taking a vacation, and I can’t blame him, although I would quibble with his greatness if he’s getting lost navigating the ocean.

After 6000 years of getting lost in thick jungle forests, the Kuikuro’s capital has fallen. Initial reports claim the Nazcan infantry that captured the city actually made it there by mistake, although nothing could be confirmed at this time. It remains to be seen whether the Nazca will be able to hold the city or make any more progress. Also notable (incredibly notable) is the presence of Uruguay’s second Unique Unit, Los Cascos Azules. They replace the paratrooper, can enter foreign territory without open borders, and get +15% combat strength when fighting outside of Uruguayan territory. Luckily for the rest of the Cylinder, they do require Aluminum to build. They also cost 20% more to build at first, but cities gain +1% production towards Cascos Azules for every unit in the territory of another civilization whom they are not at war with (up to +40%), which they absolutely must be getting with their peacekeeper tactic. I didn’t think a second South American civ would use peacekeeping to fuel a war machine, but I have been proven wrong. These guys feel scary.

Prussia makes peace with Nubia, and the war against the Vikings has stabilized into another stalemate. Plzen will not be falling anytime soon due to, you guessed it, Uruguyan peacekeepers (who I will from this moment on be referring to as the Siempre Squad because they’re always there).

Not to be confused with the Siempre Squad, Uruguay’s actual army is still working on taking Ganneious and Itsagahiti from the Iroquois. They do have a sizeable force, but those embarked Artilleries are not going to help.

Unlike the last time Australia and New Zealand fought, the Bass Strait is quite calm. Or maybe it’s just that there are more units and that cities aren’t taking damage. Either way, it turns out the Siempre Squad doesn’t have control over the sea, as their perch from Tasmania hasn’t saved anyone.

Meanwhile, Bunbury is Australian again, and Hohodae and Susaki are next. New Zealand has a small defense force in place, but it doesn’t look very effective, as last time I checked, Lancers are pretty weak when compared to Great War Infantry.

Zimbabwe has actual infantry. It’s certainly helping in the fight against Beta Israel, but they’ll need more than a few units to take and hold Wolleka, Ambober, or Azazo. Also, Beta Israel and Nubia were at war, which is funny, because I totally forgot they were, and they’re neighbors.

The Shikoku navy has clearly had a mutiny, as instead of properly fighting or something like that, they’re just fooling around in the middle of the ocean. Someone please tell them to get their act together.

The Khamugs aren’t making progress anytime soon, as their small attack force has all but vanished. That’s really a shame, because India’s units are hilariously outdated. The mountains don’t help either, but the stop is not encouraging.

Susaki has fallen to the green wave with Hohodae sure to follow. In response, New Zealand has sent a small task force to take Kalgoorie. Emphasis is on the small here, as that force will only serve to annoy the citizens as opposed to taking the city.

The Haidan ancient ship brigade appears to have worked, as Venezuela has now taken the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan, leaving Montezuma with only one city remaining. Venezuela looks poised to keep control of the city, as it’s unlikely the remaining Aztec forces can retake their capital.

As we look on at the very complicated geopolitical state of the Korean peninsula and surrounding areas, Venezuela makes peace with the Aztec, which isn’t a bad move. There looks to be some progress on the Qin-Qing war as well, although not much.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see this one coming, becuase I forgot Uruguay actually sent units up to Greenland. Uruguay takes Deshchii’ Bikoh from the Iroquois, adding another nation to the already crowded island.

Yes, astute viewers, I did indeed forget about Jaketown, the former Poverty Point city that the Aztec controlled and have now traded to Venezuela as a part of their peace deal. Sorry about the mistake. This does indeed leave them with only Tlacopan, a fact that I am now significantly more confident about. Further north, the Apache look like they could temporarily flip Poverty Point and have been doing a very good job of defending what remains of their territory.

Apparently, actual Infantry and a few planes are all you need to take a city, as Wolleka falls into Zimbabwe’s control. They probably won’t keep it for long, although I’m not sure how helpful that pikeman will actually turn out to be.

Hopefully you remembered that Venezuela and The Kuikuro were at war. Using the Nazca as a distraction, Venezuela have stepped in and taken Nokugu. Also notable is that Kuikuro have retaken their capital from the Nazca. Will it flip some more? Time will tell.

The Haida still have that privateer stack, so that’s fun. The Vikings complete the Manhattan project, and Canton has deployed their own peacekeeping force of outdated units. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Australia has somehow captured Meanjin from right under the nose of the Siempre Squad and have started bombarding Cavbanah. Luckily for the Kiwis, the Siempre Squad is currently occupying every single New Zealand owned tile, making it physically impossible for Australia to take the city by land.

I feel bad for always talking about events in South America on slides in Asia, but Venezuela has just made peace with the Kuikuro and keeps Nokugu in the deal. Onto more pressing issues. Qin has nearly conquered all of Qing’s non-arctic holdings. Mukden has fallen and Lanzhou is starting to come under pressure.

I mean, I guess Shikoku and Taungoo are still at war, but it certainly doesn’t show around Hawaii. Also, Uruguay adopts a new social policy, and that 8,168.25 science is quite the boost.

I am issuing an ultimatum to the Khamugs. Either put some effort in and take Jaipur and Calcutta, or leave India alone. This war feels like it drags on at a snail’s pace.

Hohodae falls to Australia, completing the bordergore erasure. In exchange, New Zealand has put Kalgoorie into the red and has a significant fleet of privateers only a move away. The problem, of course, is that privateers are somewhat outdated.

Ah, yes, the Iroquois-Venezuela war, another war I most definitely did not forget about! Venezuela loses their small foothold on the continent, as the frontlines of the Apache-Iroquois war appear to not have changed. Also, Uruguay builds the Pentagon, which reduces the gold cost  of upgrading military units by 33%.

Prussia once again flips Bergen, but the relentless Viking air assault has put four cities down to zero health. Plzen could fall soon, but given the history of this war, I’m not counting on it.

Uruguay finally takes Ganneious, and with those battleships, will probably take Itsagahiti soon too. The Iroquois navy around here has been depleted to the point that these cities will probably stay blue once they’re captured.

A shot of the aformenetioned Venezuelan Nokugu. Kuikuro have also flipped their capital back, but the Nazca still have a numbers and technologial advantage. Kuhikugu could fall again in a turn or two.

We have two notable events here. First, Australia and New Zealand have made peace. This shorter than expected war turned quickly in the favor of Australia, with the capturing of the New Zealand cities on Indonesia as well as a small reconquista of their home continent. With the Siempre Squad there, Australia really couldn’t have hoped to do much more. Second, Canton has declared war on the Haida. This one’s kind of odd, because I feel like the Haida strangely have the capability to actually take at least one Cantonese city. For now though, there are just naval skirmishes near the Haidan city of Cha’atl.

Well, we’ve figured out the gambit now. Metis also declares war on Haida, and that’s a much more relevant enemy. The saving grace for the Haida is, much like the Buccaneers in Mk. II, most of their cities are either coastal or on small offshore islands that will be a pain for the AI to deal with. Also, a shot of the Yupik. Hi, Yupik!

A shot of the sleeping Sami, who haven’t done much this part. We also see a small portion of the Golden Horde’s army and whatever is left of Muscovy.

Back to the Haida-Metis war, and we find huge air raids on Kung and Jaaguhl. However, there is no Metis army to back them up. Yet.

Shis-Inday is now under Iroquois control, but every other border city is still well defended and the Apache are holding strong. Also Maratha now has nukes and peaces with Canton.

There’s nothing here. Evenks? Never heard of them.

Kuhikugu has somehow not fallen yet. Even those pikemen could take the city. They’re probably lost in a forest though, so presumably the city will fall once they find their way out.

Uruguay finishes its conquest of the Iroquois Caribbean, after a drawn out fight. More importantly, the Goths have just declared war on Prussia.

Even with the power of Infantry, Wolleka is back under Beta Israeli control. In exchange, Zimbabwe is about to take Ambober and declares war on the Nazca because why not?

Reports from Metis territory have come in claiming that the lack of progress in attackig the Haida has pissed Louis Riel off so much that he has declared war on the Nazca and Nenets. Details are still unclear, and nobody is certain what he hopes to accomplish.

With Qin’s capture of Lanzhou, Cixi is now exiled from China, forced to live out the rest of her days in the arctic colonies she established so long ago. I always felt like Qing was the underdog in the China fight, given how quickly Xia fell, but seeing them fall like this is sad. Underdogs don’t always win.

Canton has now dedicated a significant force to fighting the Haida, who are clearly preoccupied with the Metis, but really don’t have to do much to contain Canton’s outdated units. Haida have a couple battleships floating around, and they’ll be very effective at containing Canton if necessary.

After a long fight over the Caribbean, the Iroquois and Uruguay call it quits. For now. Also, the Apache look shockingly close to taking Jaketown.

Kuhikugu has fallen again. While I can’t say that it has fallen for good, Nazcan control of the capital seems significantly stronger than it was the first time. The noose has tightened around Kuikuro. They never came out of their shell, but this is a position they will not be able to recover from.

Someone is attacking Nepal, and I have no idea who it is. If you have any information about this ghostly attacker, please share it.

Instead of attacking Plzen, the Vikings have instead chosen to retake Bergen (which is a good move) and capture Marienburg. The Prussian navy is pretty small, but fighting in  the baltic is always in tight quarters and hard to pull off.

On the Gothic front, Vladimir has been pushed into the red. The Goths, in their infinite wisdom, have again adopted the  strategy of not using melee units. When asked for comment, Alaric muttered something about sticking it to the man and rebelling against society.

No progress on salmon removal has been made, and Riel is still livid. This time, his target is S̡̤͈̺͖̼̀́͑̈͌͝e̢̬̻̝͎̝͊̈́̇̍̿͐l̦̻̯̱̳̜̐̽͊͂̕̕k̜̟͕͚͉̲̃͐̾́͘̚'̡̣̠̜̗̹͐͑̀̽͘͝ň̤̰̟̹̖͋͂̅̉̀ͅa̮̟͚̟̭̓̐́̀̌̔͜m̜̥̜̪͇͔̃̽̉́͊̄. He even  gets the Sami, and somehow even his enemy, the Haida, to fight the mysterious peoples.

Reports are coming in from the southern tip of South America. Details are still unclear, but it’s been claimed that Riel’s war declaration had alterior motives. An Eldritch threat has arisen, and war is the only option. New Zealand is really the only power who could potentially do something here.

It’s gotta be the Kazahks right? Either that or the Khamug, but the Kazakhs are closer and have planes. Kathmandu has taken damage, but no other physical progress has been made, which is probably why I can’t tell who’s doing the attacking.

The Evenks make peace with Nepal, thus removing themselves from the list of potential mystery attackers. Or, well, I guess that’s kind-of incriminating, but also the Evenks couldn’t have physically done anything. A nice shot of the Khamug core in the Gobi desert reveals a fine, but not full, carpet of units. Enought to take out a weak civ, probably.

The Goths still aren’t listening to reason, and Vladimir is going to go untaken. It’s really a shame, they could have made a lot of progress into Prussia by now. In other news, it seems like the entire world is slowly realizing the existential  threat an Eldrich horror provides.

Unfortunately for the rest of the world, Selk’nam has been taken over by an Eldrich being and are matching New Zealand’s naval prowess.  Who knew Cthulu had a thing for pirates? In other news, Shikoku and Taungoo finally peace out.

As the Kazakhs go nuclear, we find the Nazca rapidly pushing towards the Kuikuro’s last city, Heulugihiti. Is this the midnight for the turtle, or will they live another day? Only time will tell.

While the Apache have done an excellent job at containing the Iroquois, their core has suffered as a result. There is no carpet to be found here—only the occasional units.

While you can’t see it here, BC has assured me that Korea has declared war on the Haida, Seonjo being of the opinion that there are one two many pink/salmon-esque color schemes on the cylinder. I’m not sure how much this war means, as Shikoku blocks most of the conflict.

Eventually, a cavalry unit in the Gothic army got sick and tired of never being used, and rebelled against their higher-ups. That unit just took Vladimir from Prussia. Unfortunately, they got there just as Prussia and the Vikings were coming to a peace deal, ruining a large portion of the chances the Goths had to take cities.

The last defenders of Heulugihiti are keeping strong. Is the Nazca force faltering? Will the Kuikuro be forgotten? It’s a tossup right now.

The Metis have nearly cracked through Dadens, but the Haida army is still holding strong. Also, Haida has planes, which I think is new.

The fight for the fate of the world continues, as New Zealand continues to fight Selk’nam. Unfortunately for the world, Selk’nam is winning. Eldritch beings are pretty powerful, I guess.

Using their newly developed Paratroopers, Zimbabwe takes Ambober and Azazo from Beta Israel. Wolleka looks primed to fall, and Gondar isn’t that far past that. Beta Israel is looking to take Kopje in symbolic payback.

First, some housekeeping regarding the outcome of the war with the Vikings. Prussia somehow escaped with Bergen and Marienburg, both of which fell under Viking control at points. Second, their army has now come storming back to the eastern front and retaken Vladimir, loosely following the plan put together by one Alfred von Schlieffen.  Also, Uruguay builds the Sydney Opera House and Enrichment Center. Are they in the same building? Who knows. Pretty unique multi-use property if you ask me, but I’ve never found opera to be enriching.

Chihene falls to the Iroquois, bringing them a step closer to capturing the Apache capital. However, they forgot to follow  that capture with any form of army, so the Apache will probably flip it back. Also, the Iroquois have paratroopers now too.

Beta Israel flips both Ambober and captures Kopje, although Zimbabwe does reclaim Wolleka. And with a comically large plane flying over the skies of the Horn of Africa, this episode comes to a close. What is that plane doing? Where is it going? Why is quick animations turned off? All not very important questions, but someone’s gotta ask them, and I might as well. With that, thanks again to Blue Cassette for letting me narrate, thanks to Dawkinzz for his excellent audio versions, and thanks to you all for watching or reading or consuming this however you did. I’m /u/JCPoly, and I’ll hopefully see you all again soon.