Episode 27: Smoke on the Water – S1

Hey paisanos, welcome to another episode of the Civ Battle Royale! My name is /u/vivalahomestar, otherwise known as Vivala. I’m an occasional poster on both the sub and discord, but I’m probably best known for creating the mod for our resident thiccbois, the Métis. I’ll try my best to keep my extreme bias locked away. Anywho, let’s get started!

For this week’s OC, let’s take a look at /u/ARedundantSofa’s extremely blursed art of Lavalleja reading last week’s part. I’m terrified. We should all be terrified.

As always, /u/Vihreaa provides us with a map faster than many of us can process the part’s events. Compared to Episode 25, you can see the smaller empires start to disappear. Qing, the Aztecs, and the Kuikuro all lost major chunks of territory, and Canton and the Golden Horde are being citadeled.

For our second map, I’d like to draw attention to the Lore Map, created by LacsiraxAriscal and wthrudoin. This map has everything from founding dates to peak population and irl location. But the coolest part is the fact that practically every single city was given a bit of lore (as the name suggests). My favorites include a justification for how a city on the coast of Greenland got named Green Lake and how the Palmyran city of Gerasa grew wealthy by selling weapons to both sides of the Gothic-Horde wars. Great stuff.

“Uruguay will be back next week,” they said. “Putting them at #2 was a mistake,” they said. Well look who’s back to laugh at those claims: the Iroquois! While I haven’t seen the slide itself at the time of writing, I can only assume this is due to the Iroquois’ stellar production and prowess in war. Sure, Uruguay could theoretically break out to the north if the Kuikuro fall, but the Iroquois are currently making actual gains in the war against the Apache. That’s not to say Uruguay isn’t terrifying, just that the Iroquois are even more so.

We open in the heart of the Amazon. After surviving thousands of years of warfare against the Great Guay, the Kuikuro may be facing their end. Nazcan planes and artillery have bombarded the final stronghold of Heulugihiti into the red. That being said, Kuikuro units surround the city, and there are only a few Nazcan melee units at the front. This will be a tough situation to get out of, but if anyone can, it’s the Kuikuro.

We return to the Goth-Prussian War and find Vladimir more or less how we found it at the end of last episode, albeit with both sides’ armies looking a bit thinned out. I think the Goths are the stronger of the two right now, especially since they have 18 planes right at the front, but it’s a little hard to gauge their strength because there’s so many Great People mixed in. Seriously, I counted roughly 7 Gothic generals on this slide. Alaric better hope Algerian levels of General spam don’t lead to Algerian levels of success. Meanwhile, Uruguay buffs its already ludicrous science and happiness with the Hubble Space Telescope and Sky Tower.

With over a fourth of the world at war with them, the Selk’nam start to worry that maybe they’ve taken the whole “eldritch worship” schtick a bit too far. “Guys no, you don’t get it!” a Selk’nam sailor shouted as Kiwi pirates began boarding their ship. “It’s a coming of age thing! We dress up like spirits so boys can fight us and become men!” But the New Zealanders don’t speak Ona, so they just shoot them before proudly declaring they’ve saved the world and returning to their ship.

Here’s a good look at the recently de-Iroquois’d Caribbean. Uruguay is making quick work of filling its oceanic claims with units, both naval and embarked. Haiti has an admittedly outdated carpet. It seems dense enough that they could give Venezuela trouble for a while if they went to war, but nothing that could save them from ultimately being destroyed by their neighbors.

Meanwhile, Ablai Khan joins the coalition of leaders who are 100% convinced Cthulhu is real, officially dubbed Leaders Opposed to Violent, Evil Creatures and Resisting All Forms of Terror (or L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. for short).

War rages between the Haida and the Greatest Civ in the Game- er, I mean between the Haida and the Métis. Louis Riel has successfully managed to capture Dadens, and with only two Haidan units anywhere near the city, it looks like he’ll keep it for the time being. However, this looks to be the end of Riel’s western campaign. While the Haidan land army is almost nonexistent and the combination of the Métis front line and air force may be enough to flip one more city, there is no way Riel can take on that monster of a navy. Speaking of, Koyah really needs to start making good use of that navy if he wants to keep relevant. Maybe that war with Korea will give him enough of a foothold in Asia to start going wild.

 “The Admiral told us the world wanted us dead, so it was time to take what we could to shield the Motherland. He told us it would be easy. Get some island outposts to quickly surrender so future generations could launch ships from their harbors. Maybe our fleet would have been enough on our own, but no matter where we go we’re greeted by the same thing: an eerie black flag rising over the horizon, canonfire from all sides, and a panicked rush to safer waters. I fear we won’t take a single city so long as those blasted Kiwis lurk about the Pacific.” - Journal of a Selk’nam sailor found washed up in Tonga.

Beta Israel prepares to take back Wolleka with a Rifleman as Gondar takes damage for what may be the first time. The Beta Israeli core has always benefited from the protection of the African Great Lakes and the mountainous Ethiopian Highlands, but Zimbabwe can now bypass that with the power of parachutes. That, plus the lack of units in irl Somalia gives me little confidence in Gudit’s ability to make a comeback. Mutota figures he may as well join L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. to offset all the penalties he’s receiving for his northern conquests.

Here we get a nice shot of the Métis core and (get ready for this shocking revelation) it’s mostly devoid of troops. Riel isn’t exactly known for carpeting, and with his army currently focused on charging into the Pacific, there’s not much left to fill the core. That shouldn’t be a huge problem for the Métis right now, however, as the Iroquois are on friendly enough terms to have open borders, and the Apache are busy with the Iroquois.

Speaking of the Iroquois, let’s look at the southern portion of their empire! Soon to be incorporated into said empire are Shish-inday, which is about to be pincered by well over a dozen units, and Chuuk’anen, which is firmly in the black. Like the Métis, the Iroquois actual core is looking a bit sparse (though still more modern and militarized than Riel’s prarielands), since the bulk of the Iroquois army is trying its darndest to wipe the Apache off the map. Also, look at the size of those cities! Monteal and Tchihende both sit at 50 pop, and Schoharie has a whopping 66! It’s no wonder the Iroquois now have the top production on the cylinder.

Not only have the Khamugs failed to make any progress towards capturing Calcutta and Jaipur, but India actually looks like it has a chance to retake Madurai. To be fair, it’s hard to expect much from the Khamugs here when they’re fighting in cities barely connected to the rest of their empire which are located in the most mountainous terrain on the cylinder. Quit while you’re ahead, Jamukha. Those cities aren’t falling until you either heavily invest in paratroopers/X-coms or manage to take a bite out of the southern Kazakh empire.

Meanwhile, Riel reveals that he’s discovered nuclear weapons. It’s all part of his plan to take on the Iroquois and retake his title as thiccest civ in North America.

“After a decade of fighting, it feels like we finally got a handle on the Kiwi menace. They are still a threat, but we are fairly certain we outnumber them in this region. The Admiral says that if we just keep fighting, we’ll be rid of them soon. By Kénos I hope so. I was promised glory for my people, but all I’ve done since setting sail is narrowly avoiding death by sailors of the jolly fern. Even if we do win, what happens? Is our fleet enough to take a city, or will we all be reduced to driftwood by their bombards? Or maybe King Dick will conjure another fleet and slaughter us all. I fear this whole affair will be pointless.” - Journal of a Selk’nam sailor found by a passing Uruguayan fleet

You may recall that the Moors were never mentioned last part, and now we can see why: they’re not really doing much. Moorish Africa isn’t exactly carpeted, and the vast majority of Rahman III’s land units here are artillery. Not to mention Mandagascan peacekeepers make up a concerning portion of the units on this slide.

Jesus Christchurch, look at all those privateers. Something tells me the Selk’nam sailors up north won’t be done with King Dick’s fleets anytime soon. This navy stands (or floats) in stark contrast to the empty Australian coasts. The citizens of Meanjin and Kalgoorlie better watch out when Australia vs. New Zealand IV rolls around. Also, everyone say “Hi!” to the Siempre Squad chilling out around Cavanbah!

“The people of Vladimir have suffered enough. It’s time to ‘Goo up the gears of war!” shouts a peacekeeper as his units plunge into Prussian territory. Fortunately for the dignity of his people, that catchphrase never caught on. The peacekeepers haven’t completely stopped the war yet, as Alaric was wise enough to instate closed borders, but they’re certainly making it difficult for both sides to get to the front.

The unhappiness problem that was plaguing the cylinder for so long is long gone for many of our top civs. Uruguay is particularly notable, as they shot from 197 happiness at the end of last part to 275 thanks to the Sky Tower. Zenobia, meanwhile, smiles not because of the happiness of her people, but because of the news from her scientists: Palmyra has developed nukes.

Venturing back to North America, we get another look at the Apache-Iroquois war. Venezuela is fighting the Iroquois too, and they brought their navy to show they mean business... too bad Jaketown is an inland city. As for the Apache, you can see just how much they’ve been drained by resisting the Iroquois’ advance. They’re producing enough units to avoid a complete collapse, but I don’t see them mounting a comeback any time soon.

The defense of Heulugihiti is withering away, and several hexes are wide open to take the city from. Anetu takes what might be his last stroll through the jungle, wondering if the Nazca will at least give mercy to the trees. These green gates have kept the cylinder safe for millennia. What a mistake it would be to tear them down.

Riel’s planes have done a great job of bombing Haidan cities into the yellow. He now just has to, you know, actually get a melee unit within range. Also of note: the Métis appear to have open borders with the Apache in addition to the Iroquois, so they can at least keep committing to this campaign without worrying about an invasion from the south.

To bolster its current peacekeeping efforts, Taungoo proposes the World’s Fair. Maybe, if the world could just see human ingenuity at its finest, everyone would decide to stop fighting. Algeria, meanwhile, attempts to use its clout to ban pearls. Other leaders were quoted saying “Wait, what’s an Algeria again?”

Alaric cares about Bayinnaung’s dreams of peace about as much as he does about the lives of Prussians. Which is to say not at all. He flips Vladimir, but brought so few troops with him that Prussia will almost definitely take it back next turn. And with the ‘Goo peacekeepers pushed far north of the front, it looks like the city will flip back and forth for a while.

“I’d never expected to travel this far south, and certainly not while escorted by a group of fascist lumberjacks. But the Emir says this L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. stuff is important, so here we are. The Selk’nam we fought looked terrified. Allah only knows what their dark god has done to their psyches. I saw the towers of a dark city looming over the southern horizon, but the captain says we don’t have the strength to capture it. Good. If I had to stay down here occupying some eldritch necropolis I’d surely freeze to death.” - Journal of a Moorish sailor recovered by the Haitian navy

“I don’t see what’s so scary about these Selk’nam folks. Even if they do got some fish god on their side, King Dick’ll just wipe him out with the Great Kiwi Armada! It’s worked so far hasn’t it? Anyways, we’re about to make landfall and besides rumors of some troops that can walk on water (pretty sure the boys are just messin’ with me about that) nothing seems too weird. I figure we’ll get a foothold on the continent in no time!” - Letter from a Kiwi sailor

What Uruguay failed to do in thousands of years, the Nazca did in three parts. The final Kuikuro city has fallen, and with no melee units in sight, I can safely say this is it. The Kuikuro played a uniquely important role as a turtle. Whereas most defensive civs lurk in their own corner of the world, staying out of the spotlight until a much more advanced civ takes them out, the Kuikuro had the job of containing the cylinder’s strongest (some would argue overpowered) civ within the continent (with some small exceptions). If the Nazca are smart, they will honor the Kuikuro’s legacy by letting the jade gates of the jungle stand for millennia more. If they don’t... well Uruguay will show us just how important the South American turtle really was.

F

Gondar is now under Zimbabwean control! Beta Israel could maybe liberate the city with that rifleman, but this outdated, mostly ranged army is only going to hold Zimbabwe back for so long.

With their gargantuan production, the Iroquois easily take the top spot in the World’s Fair, which should help them quickly fill out any remaining ideological tenets. Also pictured: the Khamugs have nukes! This will surely be terrifying the moment Jamukha wakes up.

The Nazca quickly pump units into former Kuikuro territory before Uruguay can get any ideas. Meanwhile, what may be the last two Kuikuro units flee the burning city of Heulugihiti. The field gun runs for Uruguayan territory, hoping humility will be enough to win Lavalleja’s favor. Anetu, disguised as a drummer, is smuggled out of town with a local band. They settle at a holy site, hoping Cahuachi cares enough not to violate its sanctity.

“You idiots, how could you let one slip by?” the Selk’nam admiral screams into a phone as he takes shelter from the canonfire in Santa Teresa del Tuy. He nearly drops the phone at the response. “They have how many ships?... Fight them off while you can. And send a ship my way so I can get off this doomed rock.”

The Beta Israeli navy manages to capture Kopje, completely bypassing the Taungoo blockade. Zimbabwe should have an easy time taking it back, at least once they realize helicopters can’t capture cities. They’re having similar problems up in Gorgora, where a combination of Taungoo and Madagascan peacekeepers have blocked everything but a Zimbabwean helicopter from reaching the city.

A Haidan marine manages to slip through the Métis line and capture Kasaan. Riel can take it back, but his army grows thinner with every turn and Haida’s coastal defenders are being trained as fast as the Métis guns can kill them. He decides to peace out with the Selk’nam, declaring that “L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. is nothing but a distraction. The real coastal menace is in our backyard!”

“Every day the Kiwi menace grows closer to our shores. We’re causing damage where we can, but if this keeps up, they’ll be battering our cities in no time. I wish Cthulhu were real, then he could just wipe out New Zealand and let us live in peace.” This call from a Selk’nam sailor to his wife was overheard by Kiwi spies. The only words they understood were “New Zealand” and “Cthulhu,” which was enough to convince Seddon to send even more ships.

Haida retakes Dadens, putting the Métis at a net loss of cities for this part. Look Riel, I want to convince everyone that you’re strong, that one day you can rise against the Iroquois menace, but you’re making it reeeeally hard when you struggle this hard to invade your neighbor.

Zimbabwe manages to get a couple more helicopter gunships to Gorgora, with a couple paratroopers creeping closer. Meanwhile, Haiti decides to back out of L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. Your contributions will be missed.

Here’s a nice look at the narrow strip of international water just southeast of Japan. It seems Shikoku is really enthusiastic about submarines. We also get a brief glance at what little fighting there is the Canton-Haida war.

Not even the frozen wastelands of northern Greenland are safe from Hiawatha’s wrath! If either anti-aircraft gun can make it to Hakaye then the city will surely be his. Also pictured: a single Minoan ship and more Scottish units than I expected to be alive.

The Iroquois sailor was surprised when he was given the orders to sail south. “I don’t think this will be enough to capture any Selk’nam cities, sir.”

Hiawatha shook his head. “That’s not the point. I just want you to cause chaos. Make those sailors’ lives miserable. I want those ships to go home and report that I am the one they should be scared of, not Lavalleja.”

It seems Mutota’s decision to join L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. wasn’t completely for show, as he sends his own dispatch to thin out the Selk’nam navy. The Beninese sailors will eventually return home and give a terrified report, not on the eldritch Selk’nam, but on the Zimbabwean ships in Uruguayan territory. This friendliness between their two highest-ranked neighbors cannot lead to good things.

Prussia takes back Vladimir, but the Gothic air force almost guarantees that it will flip again soon. Now is a good time to take a look at Muscovy as well. Among the citadels and bordergore, you might notice that a couple of their units are sitting in a Gothic exclave, showing that they’re on good enough terms for open borders. For anyone hoping the Goths were going to just finish the job, it looks like you’ll have to keep waiting. And yes, I see that peace notification. We’ll get to it eventually.

As expected, Shis-Inday easily fell to the Iroquois. Now their army marches forward towards a line of cities that have all been bombed into the black. While Geronimo has a solid line of Warbands defending the southern portion of the front, I suspect the reason these cities are still Apache has less to do with the defense and more to do with Hiawatha’s choice to bring mostly bazookas to the front.

Jeez, I never realized how citadeled the Qin capital was. If the Khamugs ever decide to attack the Qin, the city would be theirs immediately. Also advantageous for the Khamugs is the relative emptiness of the former Qing lands. One bit of hope for Qin enthusiasts, however, is their melee unit of choice, the paratrooper, especially since, as we saw in India, the Khamugs struggle with rough terrain.

I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve seen the Australian core like this. It may also be our first look at Australia’s UU, the SASR, en masse. This a paratrooper replacement with extra drop range that gains science from kills. It’s also stronger when researching a tech no one else has but *looks at Uruguay* I don’t think that’s happening. Anyways, this carpet should be enough to assuage any fears about Ozzie power that fans may have had a couple parts ago.

The Selk’nam Admiral, bogged down with skirmishes in the antarctic colonies and an invasion in the west has little time to guide the forces in the east. Instead, he sends the same message every morning: “Hold the line with your life.”

The world enters the Future Era, with the Uruguayan capital predictably taking the title of Greatest City. The Iroquois may be ranked first in the PR, but Uruguay is still the top dog in techs and wonders.

Here’s a look at the four civs of Kamchatka, including the Qing whose holdings have been relegated to this frigid peninsula. The Haida-Korea war is going very, very slowly, but it’s hard to blame them when their border is so narrow.

While roughly a quarter of the world’s leaders believe Cthulhu is definitely, 100% real, very few believe in the mysterious entity dubbed “the Nenets.” Even those who have declared war on these mysterious people, such as Riel, eventually decide their existence is a myth and make peace. The Nenets, well aware of how woefully outdated their muskets are, would prefer to keep it that way. Maybe everyone will just forget about them and they can live in peace for the rest of time.

Hawaii remains a heavily divided region. Shikoku, the dominant military force on the islands, attempts to promote the legitimacy of its claims to the entire chain by inviting tourists from Tonga, New Zealand, and Cordoba into its waters.

Predictably, the Goths take back Vladimir. But this time they also manage to snag Bromberg. Prussia will take it back pretty much immediately, but this does possibly signify that the Goths are gaining the upper hand. Meanwhile, Uruguay constructs the CN Tower, which will give them a hefty boost to population.

“I won’t let you use those fiendish pipes to raise your dark god!” screams a Moorish sailor as he hops aboard the Selk’nam dinghy. One quick shot with a flintlock later, the musician lays dead on the deck and the sailor holds the flute in his hands. “Today, I am the savior of the world!” he says proudly before snapping it over his knee.

“Aight, the sea is free of that devilish armada. It’s time for the fern to fly over South American soil!” - Last words of a Kiwi pilot before being shot down

Haiti has filled the waters around Florida and the Bahamas with privateers. This would be more impressive if the Iroquois and Uruguay weren’t its neighbors. Though I wonder why there are far fewer boats around Porlamar. Maybe they keep vanishing in the Bermuda Triangle?

Look at this mess. The Turks are split in half and citadeled into oblivion, but not so much so that Venice gets to have contiguous land borders. Then you have Palmyra, which borders the similarly colored HRE. And the border is especially hard to make out because they have open borders. Add onto that a swathe of peacekeepers of many nationalities and you get a region that’s impossible to comprehend. Here’s hoping Venice and Palmyra do some spring cleaning soon. Also, Zimbabwe peaces out of L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. after a single mission.

Speaking of messy regions, here’s northeast Asia once again. The Haida have managed to damage Gongju, but it really doesn’t seem like they’ll get much further. While we’re here, say “Hi!” to the Evenks, because we won’t be talking about them again this part.

“We thought we were done for, but then the Zimbabweans just sort of turned around and began sailing away. Do you think everyone’s realized that we’re not weird devil-worshippers? Maybe this is the end of our long war. Maybe the suffering can be over.” - Quote from a Selk’nam sailor calling home

Riel, furious at the lack of progress against the Haida, demands his troops begin bombing Ninstints. One general suggests that perhaps they should instead focus their fire on cities the melee units could actually capture. That man was promptly exiled.

That’s right, Venice (and Muscovy I guess) have declared war on the Turks! Venice certainly has the firepower to win the war (Bursa is already in the yellow), but the mix of geography and peacekeepers may make the task very difficult.

Another shot of the conflict shows that Venice is also dealing solid damage to Edirne, but has no land units to capture it. We also get a better view of a Venetian privateer near Bursa that was hidden behind the notifications last slide. If this ship can survive a little longer then Bursa will surely flip.

“After decades of fighting, we finally got our boys to the gates of one of their cities and... it looks pretty normal, to be honest. But there’s gotta be some dark secret hidden here somewhere, right? Some rituals we’re not seeing? I mean, we’ve been going after these cultists for ages, there’s no way ol’ Seddon would have gone this far and been wrong. Of course not!” - Letter from an ANZAC at the front in Ocongalla

The Iroquois’ army slams into the Apache front line and they look ready to take Lepai-nde at any moment. From this angle, it looks like the Iroquois have plenty of units to spare, while the Apache lands are barren beyond the front line. The Iroquois advance is also bad for the Métis, whose border with the Apache is shrinking, along with its chances to strike at its southern neighbor.

The waters south of Jaketown are swarming with privateers, both Apache and Venezuelan. You have to wonder what they think they’re accomplishing. Is killing the occasional embarked unit really worth such a huge naval investment?

The Venetian ships near the Turkish cities have mostly vanished and were replaced by ships from... the Sami? I think this might actually put an end to Venice’s invasion. Congratulations to the Sami, Nubia, Zimbabwe, and the Siempre Squad on your successful peacekeeping operation.

Bromberg and Vladimir flip back to Prussia, who has managed to push the Goths back into their territory. Also, it’s only been six turns since our last look at this war, but there’s suddenly 13 Zimbabwean peacekeepers in Prussian territory in this slide alone! Meanwhile, the Haida and the Sami develop nukes.

Riel finally listens to reason and focuses on some capturable cities, taking back Kasaan. Dadens still remains in Haidan hands, however, and a couple units look primed to snatch Kasaan right back, likely wiping out 6 Métis planes in the process. This violence sends shivers down the spines of the Shikokuan peacekeepers that recently arrived at the southern end of the front.

“We may never truly keep the peace until the eldritch menace is destroyed!” declares a Shikokuan captain in a L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. strategy meeting.

“We saw that your privateers are hanging back. Are you not going to try to take the city?” asks a New Zealander sailor.

The captain shakes his head. “Saving the world is reward enough for me and my men.”

“And we’re supposed to trust your word? We’re technically at war, you know!” shouts another New Zealander.

“You will be dealt with later. For now, let us focus on the bigger threat.”

As I predicted back on slide 10, India took Madurai back from the Khamugs. The Kazakhs snag Jumla from Nepal, fragmenting the empire and reducing it to five cities. Parthia seems poised to take Bangalore, though it looks like they only have one melee unit in the vicinity. This could be a great opportunity for Muscovy to prolong its demise. Just wait for Parthia to kill of its own melee unit and put the city in the black, then snipe it with a Streltsy.

Despite the Métis bombs raining down on Kung, the Haida retain a solid control over the southern portion of their empire. In fact, their army looks stronger than it was at the beginning of the episode. Shikoku will make it difficult for them to push into Métis territory, but they’ll certainly keep their own turf safe.

“We couldn’t find anything otherworldly in Ocongalla, but King Dick insisted we keep it under our control so the cultists don’t flee there when we finally catch them. Guess we’ll check Ham-ham (or whatever it’s called) next. These cultists can’t run forever!” - Quote from a New Zealander sailor calling home

“I hear the Selk’nam are beginning to crumple up north, but down here they’re relentless. We’ve been attacking these tiny island cities for God knows how long and all I’ve managed to do is get frostbite. You gotta wonder if the northern fleet is enough to take them out, or if we’re gonna have to wait until that technomancer, Lavalleja, gets off his rear and saves us all.” - Journal of a New Zealander sailor

Vladimir falls to the Goths and Bromberg is in the black. The Prussian-Gothic war doesn’t change, but something else sure has. The number of Zimbabwean peacekeepers on this slide has more than doubled since we last saw this region only three turns ago. Mutota please.

Shikokuan peacekeepers help the Kazakhs hold onto Jumla, though Nepal still stands a chance of slipping by and retaking it. Even though the Kazakhs can’t push farther due to the peacekeepers, Ablai Khan is happy to bomb Kathmandu into the black. Maybe he’s trying to send a message to the Taungoo troops across the border. Parthia, as predicted, couldn’t keep its melee unit around long enough to take Bangalore, leaving it wide open for an opportunistic Muscovite or Qin snipe.

“Today was a bittersweet day. We finally drove our enemies out of our eastern waters, but before we could even stop to celebrate, we heard the news out of Ocongalla. A friend from Prussia asked me why it was such a big deal. Cities are captured all the time. That’s just war, right? For most, maybe, but for us it’s still such a new, raw pain. Only the Venezuelans  have captured our cities, and only in one war. We spend our lives under the belief that our world is safe, but a new generation has had to learn that that is a lie.” - Journal of a Selk’nam sailor

Despite its successful air raids, Venice remains firmly locked out of capturing any Ottoman cities. As frustrating as this must be for Dandolo, he should be more worried about the Zimbabwean peacekeepers covering Italy, outnumbering his own ground troops.

As we saw last slide, Eadni and Hiawatha have decided to call it quits on L.O.V.E.C.R.A.F.T. Meanwhile, the Kiwi raids on the Selk’nam coast have begun to peter out. When an advisor asked him about the withdrawal, Hiawatha remarked “King Dick didn’t find Cthulhu did he? Sounds like we were all duped. And if he is real we can let Lavalleja waste his troops on that problem. For now, I’ve got an empire to build.”

The Khamugs manage to take Madurai back, but the valleys are so stuffed with units that this may be the end of the conflict. While we’re here, I’d like the note that, according to the minimap, Vladimir and Kasaan have continued to flip back and forth, even while our attention is not on them.

To wrap up this part, let’s finally check out the peace deal between Zimbabwe and Beta Israel, only 36 slides after it first came up. Leveraging its gigantic military, Zimbabwe was able to strike a peace deal that devastated Beta Israel. Gudit lost all three of her cities in irl Somalia, which accounted for a third of her empire at the start of this part. Beta Israel is now left with five cities (assuming Zimbabwe got Kopje back), only two of which are on mainland Africa, and none of which are connected by walkable Beta Israeli territory. There are certainly worse off rumps, but any chance this civ had of staying at all relevant were just crushed by Zimbabwe.

And on that depressing note, big thanks to Blue Cassette for letting me narrate this part, Dawkinzz for doing the audio narration (and sorry if this comes out to be super long!), and to you, dear reader, for reading! This has been Vivala, and remember: Métis best civ.