Episode 03: A Hero’s Journey – S1

Welcome to the first, and probably only, session of the ExplosiveWatermelon Literature Club! (or EWLC) Today, we’re gonna be reading the Hero’s Journey, a historical piece written by famed Scottish poet Algernon Charles Swinburne. (Of note: Not the guy on the Sub) Anybody who has complaints with the authenticity of the book, or that of its contents are boring, are immediately to be kicked out of the literature club and sent into the OC mines. Let’s get started.

OrangeChrisy on the sub made this prediction that Tonga, despite not reaching prime Tonga Time just yet, will eventually reach a height that is unprecedented. As the creator of Tonga myself, I thought it would be fitting.

The Erlen Cylinder map is always a pleasure to see, and here is no different. I don’t have much to comment on about the map, but this is the state of the world.

However, for a unique twist Spherical_Melon (The obviously lesser melon) has made a unique theory that the world is Melon-shaped. Of course, it’s not true, but there’s always a few outliers. Here’s a map he made for if the world were Melon-shaped.

At #1 is the Khamugs! Three parts, three different leaders of the power rankings! Lungora must be very proud of her mod to have made it to #1 in the rankings. Interestingly enough, these guys seem to be mimicking the Yakutia by expanding very early on and actually doing nothing, but who knows? It’s still very early, and I’d be very excited to see something go down between the Khamugs and, let’s say, the Qing. Now, let’s get to the story.

Coiot: Issue 8 of Civ Modders Monthly is now available. The CMM is modding community run periodical that details many of the aspects that are involved in creating mods for Civ games, and there are always unique insights into the decision making that went into the creation of many past and recently released mods. In this eighth issue, we reflect upon Homusubi’s extensive catalogue of Japanese civs across Civ V and Civ VI. Also, M1sf1r3 considers some of the key differences in designing the same civilizations across different games. And for this special month, several modders consider what the modding community means to them. Be sure to queue it up in your browser: Download Link

This is the story of me, Algernon Charles Swinburne.

Should death come for me as I write my many stories of the world I’ve travelled so well, I would wish people to know of the most beautiful place in the world- the simple riverlands of the Americas, where the Apache were soon to meet the Poverty Point’s warriors in battle. Geronimo Kujo, the lord-chief, spoke to me himself about his reasons for desecrating such a sacred place with the blood of his enemies. “I can’t kick their ass unless I get closer.”

“Ah Fuck,” I thought, “The Evenks.”Surely were their people not quite as notable as, say, anybody else in the world, but they did have two aspects of notoriety- being the birthplace of the inventor of the Snowman (Van Illya Eis), and for having the world’s beloved Scout-Con. Attendants are excited, claiming that “It’s almost enough to make you forget that you’re freezing to death!”

My Homelands, the Scottish Isles (Not including those Dastardly Isle of Man) is known for its emerald shores, relaxing activities (Such as Golf, Mini-Golf, and Enlarged Golf), and the occasional wisdom you get from junkies. (Like me!) Occasionally, on clear sky nights, you can see the lights of the Vikings shine. Of course, these are their funeral boats, but kids shouldn’t hear that!

On my visit to Pyongyang, I noticed the most delicious aroma in the streets, the city was lit up, and it was almost enough to make you forget that the city was actually on fire. The new overlords had tried to put out fires, but they quickly discovered something.“Yeah, we don’t have any way to put out massive fires yet.” One man said. “If only there was like… A large tube that could funnel water out the other end at high speeds, this would be easier.”Other news in Asia was the state of Xiang (EW’s note: Xia + Shang), a wonderful place to visit because it feels as miserable as it looks! It was so interesting to me I left one of my pupils stay there for studies. A lad named Thomas Jones. It’s a strange name, I know, but when I asked him, he said “It’s Not Unusual.”

The nations of Qin and Qing are very happy, despite citizens often forgetting which one they live in.

The region of Francia, connected to Al-Andalusia, is quite empty. Three cities litter the entire western half- Cologne of the Holy Romans, Murano of the Venetians, and Balansiyyah (Boy, I sure hope nobody reading this story years from now will ever have to read that) of the Moors. The Venetians of the period I spent there were at war with the Holy Romans, to whom they referred to as “Imperials.” Honestly, it seemed a bit boring, however, as only skirmishes dotted the countryside.

I remember crossing Konstantiniyye and seeing all the Palmyrene troops on the other side. I asked them what they were doing.

“Certainly no war-related stuff, nope, no sirree!” He said in a voice that was entirely non-suspicious. Since there was no war-related stuff, I carried on.

Oh yeah, the Czech Republic and Minoa also exist, but before I could enter Czechia I got stopped at the “Czech”point. Get it? Boy, that was a clever joke. I should patent jokes of that style, and call them puns. (Translator’s note: Puns were invented 2 years before this writing was published.) Oh yeah, Minoa. I didn’t even bother going there. Do you know how hard it is to find a boat in this era that can survive the journey to Crete? Very hard.

In Asia, I found the most peculiar place- a desert, not torn by war nor settlement. It seemed surreal, as if that was how (Whatever deity the Scottish people believe in. Mel Gibson?) intended the Cylinder to be like.I didn’t like it, so I informed the Indians and they resolved to rectify this mistake.

The other nations were at peace, but I stopped by the ex-Seljuk city of Hamadan. Honestly, I would not recommend stopping by any city ravaged by war. Apparently they’re not very pretty.

The Indian subcontinent was very beautiful. So much so that I forgot to write about it. There was the new city of Pokhara, deep in the rich vegetation that I stopped by. I don’t recall much about it, but I’m sure it’ll be important someday.

Oh wait, there was one thing I recall- there were a lot of soldiers doing non-war-related activities. It did not pique my curiosity.

Euch, Tonga. Even the legendary god of Tonga, Ee Yoo, is reported to have hated these people so much that he cast them out of heaven, and that was how the nation was founded. They report that there’s a magnificent island across the ocean, but honestly? I couldn’t care. I stopped talking to those people in minutes. They always act like every second is “Their time” and won’t shut up about how much better the mythical people of Priamurye (What kind of name is that?) were.

Uruguay has a unique history. They have two parties, lead by two invincible leaders- Lavalleja and Totally-not-Lavalleja-with-a-mustache. (Must be foreign?) Anyways, the region was totally full of vegetation, so not much interesting there. I did meet the Kuikuro, who I honestly didn’t know they existed. I thought they were just another one of Tonga’s “Mythical People” like the Kyrgyz, or the Nenets.

Ah, the African people. They are truly magnificent! I remember traveling to Zimbabwe, and apparently they had this new installation called the “Mausoleum of Halicarnassus” which was really interesting to me! I even paid a local artist to sketch me standing next to it while it looked like I was holding it up. (Sadly, I was 2 inches off and now it just looks like I’m using magical powers to hold it up instead) Ndongo, the people of the funny names, were also very welcoming as long as you didn’t mention that their name had the word “Dong” in it.

The Selk’nam. Oh boy! What an amazing trip I had to their territories. They took me to one of their ceremonies where they attempted to summon a deity of some sort, and I got to watch them as they sacrificed a virgin. (Sadly, he was my intern. I promised him he’d get college credit once colleges were invented.) Other than that, their land is really cold, but their hearts are warm. I should know, they let me feel one themselves!

During my travels, I acquainted myself with the Sami. They hold a lot of territory, and can easily get a lot of potential territory. Of course, they haven’t, but that won’t stop them.

Holy fuck, it’s the Khamugs. During my travels to Asia, I was just enjoying my stroll, when I found myself enjoying a nice dinner with the Khamug Khanate- and boy did they tell me a lot. They told me about their plans of boiling their enemies alive, of conquering all the steppes, and finally conquering all the world. Strangely, the only things they didn’t tell me was what was in their delicious stew, and where my intern Moira went.

I’ve received word from an acquaintance I made during my travels in Shikoku-Korea that the Koreans have gathered a force around the city. “We will take back what’s rightfully ours!” The Koreans yelled.“OH NO YOU DON’T” a Shikoku military officer said, lighting valuable things on fire. In other news, it seems that the hose has still not been invented yet.

The Pirates of Canton hold a special place in my heart, because much like my mother, their leader was a prostitute. After an “Interview” with Ching Shih herself, she admitted that she had sent some units up north to perform some non-military activities. I don’t know where they’re going, but since it’s non-militaristic in nature, it probably doesn’t matter.

The Gulf of Mexico is rich. It’s a shame the Aztecs don’t settle it. However, it seems the population meant to settle new cities was instead expended in settling rituals. The Natives also seem to have an intense allergy to something in the Western American air, as all of them have been avoiding settling that region.

Luckily, I was able to find a Haitian ship to take me somewhere. Unfortunately, it took me to Venezuelan waters in a non-militaristic exercise. Luckily, by escaping overboard, I was able to only sacrifice two interns to the Haitian non-military forces and get to shore.

Venezuela is great! All the wagons keep their covers down, so you can’t see the streets, but all the people were crying out in either terror or joy!

While escaping Venezuelan authorities, I discovered a completely-military force heading towards the Kuikuro city of Nokugu. Unfortunately for the Kuikuro, their army is composed entirely of non-military forces. Luckily, I was able to meet with the Kuikuro leaders, and I discovered they invented a unique military strategy called “Turtling,” which involves doing nothing while your enemies completely fail at attacking your cities.

The Ural mountains are a beautiful place where nothing happens. However, the Evenks have hosted several wonderful Scouting conventions there. “It’s warmer, I guess.” Said one enthusiastic scoutmaster.

The Evenks and The Khamugs hold a steady existence. In fact, they’ve forgotten each other’s existence. The Evenks are too focused on hosting scouting conventions, and the Khamugs are too focused on plotting world domination. They’re like the classic cave-drawings I used to read in my youth, known as Pinky and the Brain.

My home of the Scottish Isles aren’t so Scottish now, as the Isle of Man have put claim on the Eire island! It’s despicable- we were gonna claim that land one day! I guess we’ll just have to take it by force. Eventually.

The Germans, fresh off their war with the Czech, spin the wheel of enemies and point their sword to… The other Germans! Do I expect anything to happen? No. But the sight of bloodshed is always inspiring in art! In fact, I’ve already started a poem about the war, although my publisher told me it was “disturbingly sexual,” “not appropriate,” and to “please get out of (his) house!”

Reon‘s Note: The HRE Leader changed upon loading Coiot's save; they are now lead by Ashurbanipal.

The Iroquois remember their own existence, and realize how pitiful it is. Lord-Chief Hiawatha spoke to his people today. “We settle not because we can, but because we must!” He spoke. He then gave a riling speech. Meanwhile, Poverty Point leader Tahera gave a speech of their own- “The fact that we are doing nothing shows our resolve!”

EW’s Note: The Iroquois somehow adopted an Ideology, if you were wondering what that Ideology notice was doing a while back, and we have no clue which one it is, so I’m just gonna say they’re Libertarians until someone figures out what happened.

(Edit) Coiot’s Note: Upon loading the save between computers, the Iroquois experienced a bug that allowed them to found an ideology. They have chosen Autocracy and gained the tenets Third Alternative, Elite Forces, and Mobilization.

The Fall of the city of Constantine was something I got to witness personally. It wasn’t very exciting, in all honesty. The Songhai just came in, took down the flag, and started their march towards Tlemcen. Apparently battles aren’t very exciting without a military to actually fight the enemy. Whatever, I welcome the Songhai overlords!

Madagascar is quite prosperous. Boring, but prosperous. However, it doesn’t seem like it will be boring for long, as I’ve heard from Queen Ranavalona I that they’ve set their eyes on African Mainland territory! Of course, they haven’t yet, but that’s as much information as I could get before they discovered us hiding in the throne room. Yet again I had to sacrifice an intern, and the worst part was that I liked this one- he never spoke! Not once! That’s the most I could ever ask for!

It appears the non-military forces of Palmyra were, in fact, completely non-military, as they have made a declaration of peace with the Turks. I found out about this during my travel to the Great Persian Clusterfuck, where 5 civs currently meet, and it is otherwise unexciting. You’d think with 5 whole civs in one region, there’d be SOME conflict!

Peace at last graces the Scottish Isles, and Scotland realizes it has less cities than the Isle of Man. A single settler ventures forth, waiting until the rolling of god’s dice takes it somewhere reasonable. Across the sea, the Vikings also decide to send out settlers.

After traveling with a band of Qing settlers, I discovered that, despite missing their capital, the Koreans still have plenty of territory. Busan was very lovely, and Daegu was very not. The Qing settlers pointed and laughed at Daegu and said they could do better. They probably could.

While I was in Canada, I discovered their “King” was actually a Prime Minister. That’s not as important as the ongoing invasion of Canada by Iroquois forces. The Iroquois demand that the Canadians follow their ideology of doing nothing, to which Canada replied “What’s an ideology?”

Meanwhile, the Apache are trying to start up a great North American Scoutcon. They promise there will be snacks, and that it’s totally not a trap for Poverty Point scouts to fall into.

The Czechs get a moment of rest as the two German nations turn towards each other. It appears that there can only be one. And by that, I mean, there could only be 1 unit on the battlefield. There’s nobody there. Nothing. It’s a war as cold as my heart.

Speaking of Cold Hearts, the Gothic bard “Thy Chemical Romance” sings tales of a black parade marching through the streets of Konigsberg. Their leader Alaric sighs, “Whatever,” he says as he approaches his army. “Let’s kill the Prussians.” Alaric’s general uninterest in the war was as evident as his general uninterest in everything else.

As I was joining the Goths on their journey to Prussian lands, we were eventually stopped by Muscovite guards. “Alaric,” Ivan spoke from his carriage, “Your mother says no pillaging the Germans.”

“WHATEVER, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!” Alaric shouts back.

Ivan had married Alaric’s mother, Cirala, the previous year. Ivan pleaded with his step-son to get in the carriage and be driven back to Arheimar, but unfortunately Alaric couldn’t hear his step-father over the sound of the bard “Slipknotticus.”

Down where the Nile meets the rich Mediterranean, the Minoans prosper in denial. “Phaistos? Never heard of it!” They claim. Many lives were lost, yet nobody cares. They claim their newly settled canal city of Gournia is the best in the world, despite it not actually going anywhere valuable like the Red Sea.

Once I reached port in the newly Nubian city of Phaistos, things changed. Everyone had their special bows, axes, and whatever they could find that could be used as a weapon. It appears that Nubia had been declared war on three fronts- Libya, Zimbabwe, and Songhai. Libya seemed to be the only one taking it seriously, which makes sense when you consider the concept of ants only fighting other ants.

I revisited an old sight where once nothing stood to find that a new city was there- Hyderabad. Boy, did I have a good time there! Word has been spreading of the fertile land in the region, and I even met some Seljuk settlers on my journey! I’m sure this will lead to the spread of diplomatic relations!

… which by that I of course mean war.

I travelled further down the nile to discover the rich lands of Semien! I passed by Nubian settlers who realized that fertile land is better than desert, and planned to make their home in the south. Of course, the Semien people are pleased- is there a better excuse to go to war than an enemy settling on your doorstep?

I received word from my intern Thomas Jones recently, who had now been living in a home with two sisters of unknown origin (Possibly Taungoo, he said, but that’s not quite right?) who adopted him to be their “brother.” It appears they had a previous adopted brother who ran away. Anyways, that’s not important. He wrote to me saying this:

“To Milord Algernon Charles Swinburne,

DEAR GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE. THESE WOMEN WON’T LET ME LEAVE, AND THERE’S A MILITARY FORCE LEAD BY CHING SHIH HERSELF ON ITS WAY HERE! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CREDIT!! JUST LET ME LEAVE!

With Regards, Thomas Jones.”

It confused me, as the only force I know of in that area was Ching Shih’s non-military force. I figure Thomas Jones was just trying to escape to become a bard (Which he often dreamed of) and that he was just trying to escape my eventual return. Why do my interns hate me so much?

As I was still in Nubia at the time I received that letter, I later discovered that Nubia itself had been declared war on, so I tossed it out, figuring if Thomas was going to lie to me, there was no point in continuing. Apparently Benin and Ndongo had been declared, to which Piye replied, “Who?”

I traveled down to the actually relevant island nation of New Zealand, just in time for Richard Seddon to invite me to dinner with Gambu Ganuurru. It was there they made an important announcement to me.

“Algernon, you know how me and Dick have been keeping our distance lately?” Gambu said softly.

“Yes, I presume it’s because he works a lot.” I said

“Actually,” Seddon sat down beside me, “It’s a bit harder than that.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

Gambu straightened up tall. “Seddon and I are declaring war.”

I was shocked. Ganuurru and Seddon, at war? It was heartbreaking, I thought they would ignore each other forever. However, some relationships weren’t meant to last.

President Totally-not-Lavalleja-in-a-mustache made an important announcement to the Uruguay people a while back. He had announced that “peace is no more, now is the time of war!” and commanded all citizens to be mobilized. Of course, this was right around election season, so Totally-not-Lavalleja-in-a-mustache won another term, after which he said, “You know what? Peace can stay for a bit more.” So now there’s a large non-militaristic force in Uruguay that’s really disappointed because they were ready for a war that didn’t happen.

In other news, the Selk’nam are weird. When they found out I was returning, they gave me an old intern of mine who I thought they sacrificed, who as it turns out was being possessed by an elder god. What makes it weird, however, is that I had already hired a new intern to replace them, so then I had to figure out an excuse to fire an elder god. Fortunately, they just sacrificed one of my other interns, so I had a spot open.

I received another letter from Thomas Jones:

“Milord Algernon Charles Swinburne

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

With Regards, Thomas Jones.”

Grow up, Thomas. Jianzhou had just been settled, and I hear it’s lovely. If you’re so upset with living in the city-state, move somewhere else! Besides, you’re not at war with Qing anymore!

Also he sent a postcard of his travel with his adoptive sisters to Pyongyang. Apparently, it was even worse there.

The Métis people of increasingly-uncreative-names are very proud of their new settle- Fish Creek. As apparently that’s where fish live. However, I must say, their territory had grown quite a bit since I had last seen them.

In my visit to the nation of Canada, I realized that the government was already welcoming the ideology of “doing nothing.” In fact, William Lyon Mackenzie King himself said to me that he “had not had this much vacation time since before the nation was founded 3,200 years ago!” Anyways, the government had failed to realize that doing nothing meant that Vancouver was free to attack. Luckily, the Iroquois don’t do anything either, but they pretend to do something by taking potshots at the city until it is greatly damaged.

When I returned to Gothic lands, I found something intriguing to me- apparently Ivan the Terrible makes a great father! He had repaired the bonds with his Step-son Alaric, and even took in some of his interests by listening to bards and by joining the war with Prussia. Unfortunately, this has lead to Ivan being depressed and dressing in all black. “Life is pain,” Ivan spoke, “But my son brings me the little bits of happiness. But it’s mostly pain.”

The Golden Horde, who I was pretty sure was not put on this cylinder by any loving God, were very intriguing to me. They were completely full of non-military forces, preparing for non-military activities. It was very strange to me because I thought they’d be all into military stuff, but they clarified.

“No,” Toktamysh said, “It’s, uh… Non-Military activities!”

Coiot’s Note: The Goth general on screen is Cao Cao.

The nation of Ndongo, or more accurately, the Zimbabwean Puppet State of Ndongo, has sent a large force towards Nubia. I only found out about this during my time exploring the jungle. “We’re ready for any war against a civ that’s our size!”

They didn’t seem to understand that they were heading in the wrong direction, and were actually going towards Semien.

Tragedy struck today- apparently Ivan the Terrible had killed Alaric in a fit of rage after his wife claimed that “Heavy Metal music doesn’t even exist yet!” Taking out the rest of his fury on Danzig, Ivan quickly replaced Alaric with Alaric’s son, Alaric Junior, who is not so brooding.

“My name is Alaric Junior, or as my mother calls me Allie!” Alaric Junior did not seem to realize that was a girl’s name. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if that boy was a girl, considering the fact he wore a skirt and lipstick. The only way I could tell he was a boy was the beard he had attempted to shave in futility.

Ivan the Terrible quickly dressed Allie up as if Allie hated himself and everyone else, and told him a bit about Thy Chemical Romance and Slipknotticus. When Allie rode into Gothic territory, only a few people suspected a thing, as the only trace he left of his feminine past was the sweet scent of strawberries as he rode past.

I do believe that the Haitians lied to me.

I was told, when they were moving ships around Venezuela, that they were non-militaristic activities, however as war was declared I realized that those activities were entirely militaristic! I’ve been played like a fiddle!

While I was in Frankfurt am Main, I read a lovely update on the town’s bulletin board that they had finally made peace with the Venetians. Good for them. Maybe I could learn to be a bit less war-wanting?

Oh who am I kidding, I want to see the Vikings wipe that smug look off the emperor’s ever-changing face!

Ivan cries as he listens to Thy Chemical Romance. Apparently people tend to feel guilt after killing their son in a fit of rage. How could he have been so misguided? If only he had been a better father…

I couldn’t stand to see him look so miserable, so I took him out on the town. And by the town, I mean I took him to Danzig to see the siege in action. It was then he had a realization. “What if the seat of Christianity was in Constantinople?” I don’t know what Constantinople is, nor what Christianity was, but I figured he had made a revelation. Many people, in times of grief, found themselves involved in their faith.

Meanwhile, in the Sami territory, they continue to claim land while doing nothing of real importance.

As I was following the Apache to the Great American Scoutcon, I stopped by a lake to notice that the city of Toronto on the other side was under siege. “So it goes.” I thought.

Update on Scoutcon- only the Apache showed. They were incredibly upset, considering how much effort they spent emphasizing that this was not in fact a trap.

An important update from my intern Thomas Jones! Apparently, his sisters saw the benefit of abandoning Xiang for a more peaceful city. Here is his update.

“Milord Algernon Charles Swinburne,

DEAR GOD THEY TOOK ME TO PYONGYANG! HOW IS IT WORSE HERE THAN IN XIANG?

Okay, good news, it sounds like they’ll take me back soon! They must have realized their mistake! These damn Tr- (The page smudges there) -sters, they always talk about finding a safe place to hide, yet we’re always in a city being conquered! Please, Algernon, send some help!

Regards, Thomas Jones.”

Seddon cries himself to sleep once more. I am confused as to why he does that. I simply ask him, “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, Algernon,” He says to me, “My heart aches as I think about the war. I sent half my naval units to the Murri, do I seem desperate?”

“Yes.” I told him.

I have received an update from Thomas Jones.

“Milord Algernon Charles Swinburne,

It appears that Xiang was not safe at ALL. Meanwhile, Pyongyang has finally put out all the fires! What a tale! Anyways, my sisters and I finally found sanctuary, or rather it found us- a bunch of men in the strangest attire speaking the strangest language grabbed us. My sisters were visibly upset, but as the Canton Pirates marched into the city, we were cornered. Finally, Yu (the Xiang leader), took us by the hands. “My colleagues, the angels are here to take us away. In the next world, perhaps we’ll be friends?”

My sisters immediately responded, “You failed in this world, but in ours we were queens. Death on the battlefield meant much more than cowering in a city waiting to die. We hoped we could succeed in this world where we failed in the last, but it seems to be not. You would not even be considered among one of our many siblings.”

I realize now that it is an honor to follow these women as their brother. I don’t know how I intrigued them any more than the immortal leader of the Xiang, but I clearly did. Failing without a fight is not an honor. I would like to return to you soon, to journey the world like you do. Sadly, my sisters had to follow the Xiang leader. It seems no matter what you do in life, unless you achieve total victory, you end in the same place as everyone else.

Regards, Thomas Jones”

The Xiang are no more.

EW’s Note: Xia have been eliminated in 61st place.

The Iroquois, seemingly trying to distract from the fact that they’ve invented Libertarianism, settled two new cities. Very lovely, I hear. However, Poverty Point proves themselves the superior libertarians by doing absolutely nothing except standing there.

The king of Libertarians, however, remains the undisputed Aztecs. Somehow taking forever to found their fourth city, the Aztecs have slept ever since the dawn of man. According to Thomas Jones, with whom I’ve been reunited once more, the Aztec Jaguars are much more like Pussycats. Woah.

Algiers, the holy land for Nestorians, is filled with many people on the streets trying to sell their wares. Prestor Abdelkader spoke to me in one of his rare meetings.

“Really, I should’ve founded Sufiism. But, things didn’t happen that way. So it goes.”

In things-that-actually-matter news, Benghazi is under siege. Algeria sends all it’s military leaders to make sure that everything goes according to plan.

Nepalese non-military forces are centered in a good core, which can head to either Taungoo- wait, they really exist?- territory or to Maratha lands, and their newly found city of Gingee. Honestly, the real threat is that Nepal keeps sending settlers out. They’re running out of territory to claim real soon. Oh who am I kidding, no they aren’t.

Haitian totally-military forces surround Caracas. Supreme Leader Chaves claims that he has military forces, and that “You wouldn’t know them they go to another country.”

I took time off with my new favorite intern- Ga’ar-Fiild the Destroyer, who once was an intern of mine and now houses an Elder god- and went to the island paradise of Ilafy. It was small, but as long as you didn’t tell anybody if you were a different religion, it was peaceful. Of course, I don’t really care for peace.

I was in Murri lands, when I passed by the most depressed looking man on the streets. It was Gambu Ganuurru, high-chief of the Murri. Apparently he missed peace, especially since his cities were all crumbling and people were miserable. Most of all, he missed the diplomacy he had with Seddon- and all the sweet nights they spent together. Just talking. How he wished he could do that again.

Qing’s confucian society proves to be ever-growing, as Baoding has been added to their collection of cities. This puts a thorn in Korea’s side, but not as much as the Japanese have. Meanwhile, another settler I’ve ventured off with has gotten lost, and all we know is that it’s really REALLY cold. I had to cut one of my interns open and stuff myself inside to keep warm.

Vancouver- the city of a single building. It’s not a very nice building either, but that’s all that’s left of the Canadian city after the constant siege. Somehow, there are two people that live inside that building. I guess rent is cheap.

Many settlers in East Asia look towards the west. Jiangzhou and Yueyang have already been settled by the glorious first emperor Ying Zheng. Even more have been dispatched to special locations yet to be seen. Another non-militaristic Canton force looms in the region, southeast of Qin territory.

During my time in the Palmyrene Empire, I learned of a saying “There is no such thing as too close for comfort.” This is evidenced by their settling practices. Oman doesn’t care, however, as they make plans to incorporate the city of Rey into their territory.

In other news, I spent the night in the same room as Alp Arslan (Totally heterosexual) and he woke me up in the night saying he had a terrible dream where he actually fought a war well, for once. So if anybody ever discovers that I slept in the same bed as Alp Arslan, I’ll have you know it was completely because I allowed him, and that there was definitely no contact.

Chavez laughs. “See? We did have a military force! Now…” he looks towards the sea. “How do we attack boats?” Louverture does not laugh. They made fun of him for being an island nation for too long- this is his chance.

Gambu Ganuurru and Seddon have both grown as people since last I met them. The Murri are now making settlers, and New Zealand is chatting with the Tongan people. There is no conflict between them any more, but the war is still there. Sometimes it rings in the back of their minds that they haven’t made up.

Scotland- the country I call home. I haven’t been here in so long! Apparently I had a cat when I left, and sadly it had passed away. Apparently Robert order the creation of more settlers, but has yet to give them any direction. Pity.

The Sami people come together to write a scathing comment on the Prussian people. Prussia, however, creates their own comment in return, stating that they will “Make Frederick the Great again!” and that they will build a wall, and have the Sami pay for it! Also something about Muscovites? I’m not sure, I’m not too into politics.

Caracas? More like Carcass. Because that’s all that it is at this point. The Haitians have beaten it to a bloody pulp. However, Chavez announces a solution to this issue- he has cut off all food supplies from the United States, and by allowing his people to starve, he is able to save the people who really matter.

Tlemcen looks to fall. Algeria starts trying to pray to deities other than Nestorian Jesus. The people of Constantine have rebuilt. Overall, things look good for Askia. However, things do not look good to me- as I have a trip to Tlemcen scheduled for 4 years from now, and it would be a pity if the city were to no longer exist by then.

Seddon and Gambu Ganuurru have started exchanging letters. Maybe it would be good for their people if they got back into peace? Would they be willing to give it another go? They both told me that these thoughts were on their mind constantly, but neither had the confidence to propose peace to the other.

I’m spending my time in Rey, and I must say, the Omanis really did a terrible job of touching up the place when they captured it. They probably won’t hold onto this city though, so I guess it’s a limited-time experience? Not worth the money, however.

In the great empty Siberia, I met up with some old settler buddies of mine. Turns out, being loss had given them time to reflect on the self. They found out they don’t like themselves that much and that reflecting on yourself is a terrible idea. However, it seems that they might settle down soon. It might be hypothermia, but Siberia seems pretty warm this time of year.

The Haida watch as very valuable territory is stomped underfoot by Yupik settlers. Okay, I’m pretty sure neither of those civilizations actually existed until I saw them in person. Have they done anything? Stonehenge? What’s that? Thomas Jones told me the Yupik built Stonehenge, which doesn’t make much sense to me- what is a henge? How do you make one out of stone?

Allie, having slowly immersed himself back into his feminine ways, emboldens himself. The goths are no longer a miserable people- they are now a people of tight shirts and mini-skirts. He sets his eyes on the Muscovite capital. “I’ll show you,” Allie cracked his neck, “How to fight like a girl.” Of course, he didn’t say that to Ivan, but he’s sure that word will reach him eventually.

A non-military apache force marches towards Métis territory, waving flags with peace signs. “We mean no harm!” Their captain shouted before muttering a soft “...yet.”

I took a trip with Thomas Jones back to the city of Qiongshi to see if we could find any remnants of his sisters’ existence. Apparently, nobody knew of them. That’s not too important, but we did stop by Pyongyang and notice the giant Korean army outside. “Surrender the city!” they demanded.

“Or you could take it?” A Shikoku soldier suggested.

“Can we do that?” The Korean asked.

It was a very confusing conversation.

The Moors have finally realized the western half of Francia exists, and have settled Tulaytulah in the most magnificent spot! I spent the night there with Alp Ars- I mean, I spent the night with an acquaintance in a completely non-romantic manner, and I got to experience Moorish culture first hand. Who knew the world was so nice without war? Apparently, the Venetians, as they have renounced their sins and converted to the church of Catholicism. Apparently, something appeals to them about a religion they can just sort of opt in to. “Church on Sunday? Why waste a Sunday?”

The Haitians continue to send soldiers and ships to their death, while Venezuelans look on in terror.

“Yep,” Chavez admits, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Rumors in South America spread of there being vast riches hidden- a city of El Dorado. Of course, this is a marketing scheme for a religion that Uruguay founded. Yes, Uruguay founded a religion. Catharism is like other branches of Christianity but God is divided by two. I don’t know when they became so pious.

Songhai, deciding they have too many cities in the desert, decide to just get rid of Tlemcen. They actually just burn it to the ground. It shocked me too- I thought the Sahara was already on fire. Apparently, it’s just what happens in deserts. Cities get hot.

As I near the end of my paper supply, I write to you about my time in Zimbabwe. The people are so peaceful, they have the largest non-military force I have seen on this Earth. Apparently, they also like large pointed buildings, too. I had an artist draw me so it looked like I was holding it up, but it’s really hard to make it look like you’re holding up a triangle. Alas, I bid you adieu. If you ever find this in the future, know this:

1. Art is a piece of it’s time, and it is not to be judged based on the quirks of an era which could not predict future trends.

2. I totally slept with Alp Arslan. HAH! YOU THOUGHT I WAS STRAIGHT!