Episode 42: Hey, I’m not dead yet! – S1

Hello and welcome, it’s me again—the one and only Admiral Cloudberg, and this time I’m narrating a real episode instead of an April Fool’s joke! This is actually Endgame, I promise. When we left off, the world had exploded into conflict—now we eagerly move ahead to see how those wars will go for the 29 remaining contestants.

In this fun polandball comic by /u/zccc, Abd ar-Rahman tries his hand at firefighting. I think he’s good at it!

There was only one map released this week, so instead check out this Vihreaa appreciation post. Fastest draw in the west... ha.

And here’s Vihreaa’s actual map, as usual.

Just like the past several weeks, the Kazakhs take the top spot in the power rankings as Ablai Khan continues to expand both by settlement and by conquest.

Our Babylonian spy satellite first takes us to South America, where a last second push by Venezuela has repelled Uruguay’s brazen attempt to seize Barquisimeto. Only one Uruguayan trireme remains near the city, nowhere near enough to capture it. But Hugo Chavez—predictably, for a leader who denounces everyone he meets—will need to watch his back, because that Moorish declaration of war on the sidebar shows that the coalition against him is growing.

Over in India, the brief Maratha-Taungoo war comes to an end with no exchange of cities. There is still one war taking place in the subcontinent, however: the Taungoo invasion of Nepal, which is looking a bit more like a Nepalese invasion of Taungoo. Prithvi Narayan has even built a citadel to steal land from Taungoo! That said, Nepal’s troops are very outdated and stand little chance of doing significant damage to Allahabad. If it weren’t for the mountains, Taungoo might be able to crush them easily.

As a big fuck you to the late Richard Seddon, Bob Hawke begins claiming New Zealand for Australia with the settlement of Bunbury. Another settler has landed on North Island as well. Australia is expanding rapidly across the outlying islands where all its pre-E neighbors once lived, but it remains unclear whether the resulting production base will propel them any farther than second place.

The Kazakh invasion of Prussia seems to have run up against a wall of resistance as the legendary Frederick rallies his troops to defend Potsdam. A well-placed citadel near Berlin is also giving Frederick a wide avenue through which to move his units toward the front, while also making it much easier to retake Berlin whenever he decides the time for a reconquista is nigh.

Having repelled the Uruguayan attacks on all fronts, Hugo Chavez makes peace with Juan Antonio Lavalleja, once again calling into question Uruguay’s ability to conquer its neighbors. (Hey. New Zealand was too weak to count!)

Nepal throws everything it’s got at Allahabad, hoping that sheer numbers will win in the end. Could Prithvi Narayan actually do it? Could his zerg rush actually amount to something? Only time will tell.

Lavelleja seems to have found a new, squishier target in the form of the Nazca. Estaquería is lightly defended and will likely fall, and Chauchilla is a tossup; Cahuachi, however, is probably safe. But if Venezuela were to intervene...

A huge Zimbabwean army is massing in the center of Africa, staring down Benin across their mutual border. Ewuare is standing in his citadel sweating profusely, wondering whether his decision to steal land from Nyatsimba Mutota was the right one.

The Kazakhs launch another foray toward Potsdam, dealing a nontrivial amount of damage. But Ablai Khan still doesn’t have any ranged units in position and is relying on his unique horseman, the Tolu-Batyr, which like all horsemen has a penalty against cities. At this point, I’d still hand the battle to Prussia, but the horse lord is certainly making a valiant effort.

Side note, someone’s unit attacked Konigsberg and immediately died. There’s no way of knowing who it was...

Maratha has been so slow to settle the subcontinent that Zimbabwe has gone and planted a city in Tamil Nadu. I can’t imagine that the Marathans are pleased, but they’re unlikely to declare war as long as Zimbabwe has significantly more troops, regardless of the fact that they’re on a different continent and the colony is RIGHT THERE, DAMMIT.

Shikoku’s rather disorganized attempt to attack Qerrullik has so far yielded no fruit, as the city steadfastly refuses to take any damage. What Shikoku needs here are some triremes in the Sea of Okhotsk to protect its embarked units and beat down the city walls a bit, but with only fresh settles nearby, Sakamoto Ryoma has yet to build any.

Uruguay is making a massive push for Estaquería and has already bombarded the city down to yellow. Out of curiosity, I plugged Estaquería into Google Translate because it sounded like it might be a Spanish word, and Google claimed it means “shelf.” I have my doubts about the accuracy of this translation.

Based on the minimap, it seems that Maratha and Palmyra made peace sometimes on turn 131, and Maratha gave away Pune to Palmyra! This is a huge coup for Zenobia, who wasn’t exactly doing great in the war up until this point, but nevertheless walks away with a fully-developed 10-pop city that she otherwise wouldn’t have taken. And what a terrible play by Maratha, geez.

Also on this slide, Palmyra and Parthia declare war on India! But due to a strategically placed mountain range, it seems unlikely that either will push through by force. If Hyderabad falls, I bet it will fall by diplomacy—after all, people really seem to like giving random cities to Palmyra.

Piye is not one to give up easily, as he sends another wave of troops toward Chitekete, desperate to regain the city he was so proud to have taken in episode 2. And if he can get reinforcements to the front in a timely manner, he might even succeed!

The Iroquois have made the mistake of settling an undefended city in Central America directly in the path of a huge contingent of Venezuelan triremes—and yes, they are still at war. The only thing standing between Garoga and the Venezuelan navy is a small band of Manx triremes, committed to defending Iroquois shores from all invaders—a cursed alliance, to be sure.

The first settlers arrive in Greenland, and they don’t belong to the Manx, the Iroquois, or the Vikings—instead, the first colonizers in the frozen North Atlantic are the the Metis and the Sami, neither of whom I would have billed as having a significant presence in the region.

We once again return to Potsdam, where as far as I can tell nothing has changed. The battle has reached a state of equilibrium, and at this point I expect to see it continue like this until the end of the game!

Adelaide is firmly in the hands of Taungoo, but this isn’t stopping Bob Hawke from continuing to spread cities across Indonesia like a disease, plopping down new settlements as close together as possible with little regard for strategic value. That said, as long as the Taungoo navy continues to consist of a handful of badly damaged triremes, these cities probably aren’t in danger.

Now this is what I’m talking about! After his previous failure to take Stettin, Illiam Dhone decides to try again, now with a more organized army and a powerful ally in the form of the Moors! Stettin is already taking damage and enemy units are swarming in from two directions. Can Frederick hold off the Manx, Moors, and Kazakhs simultaneously?

As you probably saw in the previous slide, we have a showdown in Scandinavia as the Sami declare war on the Vikings! Sami triremes are already smashing into the walls of Nidaros, although there aren’t enough of them to take the city at the moment. The Viking army is also rather scary, as it’s almost completely made out of Berserkers, which replace the Pikeman. That’s not going to end well for those horsemen that Eadni has sent to the front lines.

Side note: Moorish Orkney/Shetland is a thing.

Judging by the fact that Chitekete dropped from 5 population to 1, it looks like Nubia managed to flip the city, but was unable to hold onto it. Still, a valiant effort from what can only be described as an underdog.

In other news, Benin is settling close in around Nubian lands, and Palmyra has two settlers in the Mediterranean heading god only knows where.

Instead of attacking Garoga, Venezuela is trying the interesting and considerably less effective strategy of stretching all their units out into a conga line and sending them one by one into the jaws of a couple of Haida war canoes in Mexico. You do you, I guess.

In other news, some ship sightings here confirm that both Venezuela and the Iroquois have researched Compass and unlocked the next generation of boats.

As the Sami continue to push for Nidaros, Ragnar diverts most of his forces to the Baltic Sea for an embarked attack on Aanaar, which is so far making some progress. However, the Vikings’ carpet of Berserkers appears to have thinned out considerably, which is not a good sign for the raiders in orange.

As ever, Potsdam is noticeably damaged but still in the green.

Things start going wrong for Shikoku as Yup’ik mounts an impassioned if desperate attack on Tosa-aki, bringing the city down to red! With only three damaged boats and a horseman, it’s unclear that they can finish the job and take the city, especially considering that it has walls. But if they do capture it, Shikoku’s total lack of triremes in the Pacific will probably ensure that it continues to fly the green and white.

Unsurprisingly, Uruguay’s huge army was eventually able to storm the walls of Estaquería, bringing Cahuachi’s inadvisable cross-continental settlement under Lavalleja’s control. However, the Nazca seem to be holding onto Chauchilla, at least for now.

In Central Asia, a huge carpet of Qin unique units is spilling over into Kazakh territory, while an increasingly nervous Ablai Khan keeps sending Ying Zheng diplomatic letters asking to confirm if they’re definitely still friends.

Meanwhile, Parthia has managed to jam two new cities—Ctesiphon and Zadracarta—into the Hindu Kush, which I didn't think was possible.

Returning to Europe, it appears that the Kazakhs have managed to batter Potsdam down to red, but they’re running out of Tol-Batyrs and Prussia’s defenses haven’t weakened much if at all. Ablai Khan will need to bring reinforcements in quickly if he wants to capitalize on all his hard work.

In the upper left, we can also see that the Vikings have successfully captured Aanaar, and Ragnar has also unlocked his other UU, the Longship, which should help fight back against the Sami naval attacks on his capital.

Having made peace with Venezuela, Louis Riel immediately teams up with Bob Hawke to attack Haida a second time! However, all of Haida’s cities are veritable fortresses, surrounded by mountains or water and protected by walls and large contingents of swordsmen and war canoes. Ironically, the more interesting front in this war might be in Japan, where Haida and Australia have colonies right next to each other.

In Scandinavia, the situation looks considerably less sunny for the Vikings than I expected. The Viking navy has been completely routed and the Sami have recaptured Aanaar, leaving Ragnar with a depleted population, a depleted military, and nothing so far to show for it.

India’s days may be numbered, as Maratha declares war with a huge carpet of units right at the gates of Delhi! Shivaji did his homework before declaring this war too, having placed several citadels right next to both Indian cities. I honestly wouldn’t give Indira more than about 10 turns to live—she’d better use the time wisely.

Over in Japan, Haida’s colony by Mount Fuji is in dire straits as Qin joins the coalition against them. Blue and pink triremes are already gunning for Tanu, and a large contingent of land units is not far behind. At this point Australia will have to work quickly if they want any chance of taking the city.

Side note: Shikoku managed to jam a city into IRL Japan in the last possible location.

A wider shot of the Indian Subcontinent gives us a chance to look at Taungoo’s war against Nepal, which has settled into a comfortable stalemate outside Allahabad. Still fielding archers, Nepal has no chance of making any further progress, but Taungoo isn’t exactly pushing them back either.

And in the final development on this turn, Australia and Taungoo have made peace, allowing Taungoo to keep control of Adelaide. Not that Australia will notice, considering how many new cities they’ve settled since losing it.

We have another war in the Mediterranean as Palmyra declares war on Benin, with the Iroquois providing moral support. Zenobia has secured open borders with the Moors to help bring troops to North Africa, but it’s still a fairly narrow approach, and Benin’s coastal cities are well fortified.

Another thing I’ve noticed over the past several slides is that Canton has been making some smart diplomatic plays. By declaring war on distant targets of coalitions, like Haida and India, Ching Shih is getting a “fought against a common enemy” diplomatic boost with a lot of her powerful neighbors, which should help her survive.

Delhi has begun to take damage as India quickly collapses. The only question here is exactly how quick it will be.

After years of battle, the Kazakhs have finally captured Potsdam, only to burn it to the ground. Ironic. And given the number of Prussian units nearby, Frederick is actually fairly likely to get it back before it’s destroyed.

Uruguay has been on a settling spree, planting terrible cities on several Antarctic islands. As an Uruguay hater like everyone else, this hopefully will drag down their effective science and make them less competitive. But we’ll see.

The Vikings flip Aanaar again, while Sami triremes slow chip away at Nidaros, and a Viking Berserker slams itself against Guovdageaidnu. What an absolute mess—I get the feeling that this isn’t going to end well for either civilization.

Meanwhile, as expected, Prussia has recaptured Potsdam. But it’s down to only 11 combat strength, and the Kazakhs could flip it easily if Frederick doesn’t negotiate a peace treaty soon.

After an intense battle, Zimbabwe appears to have recovered Chitekete for good, and is even pushing on toward the former Beninese city of Uselu. Nubia still has a large army in the north that it for some reason hasn’t brought down—they’d better do it soon if they want to keep their current lands out of Zimbabwean hands.

The siege of Delhi is progressing rapidly, as the city is down to red only two turns after we last saw it. So far, all the attackers seem to be ignoring Hyderabad, but once Delhi falls, I assume that will change.

Uruguay turns its forces west and attacks Chauchilla, surrounding the city with knights as Cahuachi desperately attempts to defend it with a single catapult. The city is fortified atop a hill, but against Uruguay’s sheer numbers, there’s little hope that it will hold out. At this point, Venezuela has to be looking on nervously as its southern neighbor eats up more and more of South America.

The dream of a Haida Japan has come to an end as Qin captures Tanu, kicking the North American invaders off of Honshu. Shortly thereafter, Ying Zheng gets a mysterious letter from someone calling themselves Admiral_Cloudberg, which just reads, “Do Australia next.”

Despite a huge invasion force, neither the Manx nor the Moors has managed to deal any lasting damage to Stettin. Why is this city so invincible? I mean, its terrain is strong, but is it that strong? Or are the attackers just incompetent? I’m leaning toward... ¿Porque no los dos?

On the far side of the screen, we can also see that the Kazakhs have captured Potsdam and are razing it again. I was about to make a comment about Prussia being unconquerable but now I can’t.

Maratha has captured Delhi, at last overcoming the three-way detente that reigned in India since the beginning of Season 1. For the first time, a capital has fallen in the subcontinent, and to the surprise of anyone just now joining us, it wasn’t Kathmandu. Prithvi Narayan is sitting in his mountain fortress laughing his ass off right now.

In the background, the Vikings and Sami make peace.

The Kazakhs have at last succeeded in burning Potsdam, although the border graphics haven’t quite updated yet. More notable, however, is the aftermath of the Sami-Viking peace treaty, where Ragnar appears to have given away Birka to Eadni in exchange for peace. This is absolutely crippling for the Vikings, and I don’t expect them to ever recover. This is also a major turnaround for the Sami, who started the game with a built-in disadvantage due to most of their units teleporting to Siberia.

War at last comes to the British Isles as the Sami and Iroquois declare war on the Manx! However, the two coalition partners are only sending a few damaged triremes to the front, and the Iroquois colony in Scotland is lightly defended. This could be Illiam Dhone’s opportunity to kick the North American invaders out of his rightful clay once and for all!

Palmyrene triremes are slowly beating down the walls of Torcello. Although this is an extremely inefficient means onf conquest, they do have a fairly inexhaustible supply of triremes, and the city has dropped to yellow, so if it works it works I guess. Meanwhile, the Moors have settled the city of Al-Mariyyah on Sardinia to help connect Murano to the rest of their empire, a solid move if their plan is to rule the Mediterranean.

In a minor blow to Shikoku but a huge win for Yup’ik, Apaanugpak has managed to capture Tosa-aki. However, the battle is far from over, as that well-placed catapult and trireme could yet flip it back. Also worth noting is the Shikoku settler in the Bering Sea, which is straying directly into the heart of enemy territory! Go home settler, you’re drunk!

Although the Iroquois have built walls in Gadoquat and purchased a Galleass, this might not be enough to stop the wave of manx units descending on the city, as neither Hiawatha nor Eadni seems to have any reinforcements on the way. The Scottish colony has been effectively thrown to the wolves, and I, for one, am happy about it.

In a surprising twist, Maratha makes peace with India before taking Hyderabad, extending Indira’s suffering a little longer. The job of eliminating India is now left to Palmyra and Parthia, who can only attack through a single tile. However, Parthia has a catapult in position, so if they work together they might be able to grind it down eventually.

Uruguay appears to be struggling to take Chauchilla, as the city is still in the yellow after several turns. The jungle, hills, and rivers surrounding the city make it difficult to capture, and Lavalleja seems to be trying to do so using only cavalry, which aren’t exactly known for their ability to take cities. In the meantime, Venezuela has planted a couple of citadels next to Chauchilla to ensure that Uruguay doesn’t get as much land when the city finally falls.

It’s turn 150, so we get a stats popup from the great Balyonian scientist Ibn Battuta. He has carefully examined the pointiness of each civilization’s sticks, and discovered that the Kazakhs’ sticks are the pointiest, followed closely by Zimbabwe. After that it’s a near five-way tie between Qin, the Iroquois, Uruguay, Venezuela, and Australia.

Excuse me what the fuck? Apparently Venice was still at war with Benin, and a Venetian trireme has managed to snipe Torcello from under the nose of the Palmyrene navy! The city will flip back immediately, but it’s a moral victory regardless. Get this, Venice is still in the game!

As expected, Benin immediately retakes the city. It was nice while it lasted, I guess.

Prussia makes peace with two of its three foes, leaving the job of taking Stettin up to the Moors. Having said that, the Moors are not exactly doing an impressive job of sieging the city, so Frederick might be out of the woods finally. If only he had kept Potsdam, he could have claimed an improbable victory against all his attackers.

Venezuela follows up its chain of citadels with an actual declaration of war against the Nazca! Unfortunately it’s probably too late for Chavez to snipe Chauchilla, but his DOW has definitely put Cahuachi in play. A naval flanking attack through the Panama Canal could see Venezuela beating Uruguay to the punch and taking the capital.

The Manx have completely surrounded Gadoquat, the city is down to red, and no reinforcements are coming. I’d say Iroquois Scotland is about to be a thing of the past. Also in this scene, we can see that the Metis and Sami have both settled new cities in Greenland, while some borders at the top of the picture suggest that the Vikings have settled one too.

Chauchilla falls to Uruguay, and ships from both invaders begin to close in on Cahuachi from two directions. The vice is closing, and the Nazca are stuck in the middle with nowhere to run.

With the fall of Gadoquat, the Manx are one step closer to uniting the British Isles. But their core is looking pretty sparse, and the Vikings have placed a strategic citadel on Denmark. A coalition war involving the Moors would do serious damage—but for now at least, the Manx and the Moors are friends, having just finished fighting a common enemy.

Qin has gone on a settling spree, filling in numerous islands in the Pacific as Australia looks on. There are a large number of Australian triremes hanging around this area, and if they were to declare war now, several Qin cities would likely fall. But if Hawke waits too long, this area may be closed to him permanently.

Farther to the north, we see that Shikoku has reclaimed Tosa-aki, but is still unable to damage Qerrullik. It seems as though this region’s reputation for stalemated wars is holding true once again.

Also note the Haida citadel jutting into Yup’ik territory from the right side of the scene.

After several turns of beating on Hyderabad one horseman at a time, Palmyra and Parthia have managed to get the city down to the red. At the moment it looks like Palmyra is poised to take it, with the nearest Parthian melee unit sitting back across a river.

Uruguay is launching a stalwart attempt to take Cahuachi, but with only one tile through which to attack the city, the push is bound to fail without Venezuelan help. And so far, a concerted effort from Venezuela has yet to materialize, with only a small number of ships having filtered through the Panama Canal to harass Nazca’s northern forces.

A bird’s eye view of the Madagascar-Zimbabwe border reveals a precarious situation for Ranavalona. With a surprisingly small navy defending her home islands, she looks exceedingly vulnerable to Zimbabwean invasion, and perhaps it’s only a matter of time before the fateful declaration of war slides down the sidebar...

Benin still holds Torcello, and there’s no sign of Venetian or Palmyrene units mounting any attempt to retake it. The war isn’t over, but it for all practical purposes, it might be. Zenobia should really try attacking someone closer to her own borders.

Also, the Moors continue to settle on Mediterranean islands.

Cahuachi actually begins to take more damage as Uruguay gets a catapult set up and breaks through by sea as well. Some Venezuelan ships have also arrived at Cahuachi, ensuring that either civ could land the killing blow. And more carracks and galleasses are now making their way south past Ecuador, lending considerable firepower to the Venezuelan side that Uruguay might not be able to match.

At first glance, the Beninese core appears to be really solid, filled with units that can defend it against any incursion. But on further inspection, there’s a critical weakness: besides the coastal cities and Akure, all the cities have very low population with almost no food. These Saharan settlements will only drag Benin down in the long term, leading to what I call the curse of the Sahara—the deadly malaise that befell Songhai, and Mali before it. Benin must be careful to focus on science and avoid making the same mistake.

The Iroquois-Metis border appears mostly demilitarized, as the two former foes focus elsewhere for the time being. Looking at this, I really think that if they went back to war now, absolutely nothing would happen.

Cahuachi, battered from all sides by boats, catapults, and knights, drops to yellow. But who will take it? Will it fall to an Uruguayan pikeman or a Venezuelan carrack? Or will Tonga suddenly storm in from another dimension like the Kool-Aid man and seize the day?

At last, Qerrullik takes damage! Is this a sign that Shikoku has finally gotten its act together, or is it yet another minor fluctuation in the great Kamchatkan stalemate? If Sakamoto Ryoma can get those catapults into position, then he might actually break through, but I’m not holding my breath.

Miraculously, India is still alive, and Hyderabad has actually recovered a small amount of hit points. Parthia continues to throw units against the city, but it’s apparently ineffective. How long can this go on? Will someone finally blunder into a proper siege setup?

Simultaneously, we see that Shivaji has declared war on Prithvi Narayan. Nepal faces what is perhaps its greatest test yet: can it withstand the full might of Maratha on the open battlefield? Not that the battlefield is particularly open—hills and mountains will do a lot of the heavy lifting here.

Haida is sending a few war canoes down to Mexico, where they are being thrown uselessly against a Metis city in Baja California. This is in fact the nearest coastal Metis city that Haida can attack, but only a concerted effort with many war canoes could possibly breach the city’s defenses.

Thought Prussia was in the clear? You thunk’t wrong! The Vikings have cobbled together something that could be described as a navy and declared war on Prussia, launching their attack straight for Konigsberg. As the longships trickle in, Frederick had best make sure he has enough ranged units to bombard them, considering that his current army composition is nearly 100% swordsmen.

Noooo! The Indifferent Sun has triumphed, taking Cahuachi for itself without a thought for the Venezuelans. If Venezuela declared war on Uruguay right now, they would easily capture Cahuachi, and maybe even Chauchilla—is that too much to ask for? I don’t want to see the big blue blob once again take over its continent without facing a serious competitor!

Konigsberg begins to take damage as Viking longships plow through the defending triremes and assault the city! A berserker has also landed on Prussian shores, where it assaulted a terrified swordsman who was sent running home to his mommy.

Shikoku is in serious trouble as the Kazakhs and Australia simultaneously declare war! Baykit is extremely vulnerable, with a Kazakh citadel right next to it, and Oko and Tura are also lightly defended. Shikoku has perhaps spent too much energy trying to conquer Yup’ik—should have left something behind for defense!

The Australia-Shikoku front is much quieter. In fact I can’t really call it a front as neither side has any units here at all. But if Qin were to join on one side or the other... now that would be a bloodbath.

As the war kicks off, Shikoku starts funneling units in to defend Baykit, but the wall of Tolu-Batyrs is already closing in. A great place for Shikoku to start would be by not embarking its horsemen—oh wait, too late, they’ve already done that. Fascinating.

And we conclude this part with  the elimination of.... I’m sorry, Indira is still alive?

Did someone say Still Alive?

This was an embarrassment

I’m making a note here: huge failure.

It’s hard to overstate my disappointment.

Palmyra

We don’t do what we must

Because we can’t.

For the annoyance of all of us

Except the ones who are dead.

But there’s no sense dying

Over every bad omen

You just keep on trying

‘Till you run out of bowmen.

And the battle gets done

And you make some neat naan

For the people who are

Still alive.

I’m not even angry

I’m being so sincere right now

Even though you broke my heart and didn’t kill me

And didn’t tear me to pieces

And didn’t throw every piece into a fire.

As I watched it hurt because

You were so bad at war!

Now these points of data

make a beautiful line

And we’re out of narration

We’re releasing on time

So I’m glad they’ve not caved

Think of all the things we saved

For the people who are

Still alive.