Civ Battle Royale Meat is grinded, civs are rumped, and war crimes are absolutely committed in this high-stakes free-for-all.
Welcome back to the Civ Battle Royale X, I’m your host, althistory junkie, and sleepless politico /u/Enigma-Conundrum! It’s a real treat to be in the narrator’s chair today. Today, we’ve got a whole show and a half lined up for you, so kick back, relax, and let’s watch the war march on.
But first, a hilarious piece of OC from /u/Sevastopol_Station, who accurately depicts how on earth Parthia is still somehow alive. I can’t think of any other reason why they still exist, so Sevastopol is clearly correct.
Here we see the amazingly-drawn map of the world as we last saw it that /u/Vihreaa made. There’s quite a few city-states and soon-to-city-states here, as well as a handful of superpowers. Really quite an imbalanced map, but all the better when hand-drawn. We shall see how much these borders change today.
A piece of beautiful data from /u/AutisticNotWeird - we can see how Madagascar can, based on PR trends, emerge as the victor of the CBRX this very part! Will it come true? Who knows, but it’s fun to consider the Madagascarian peacekeepers launching a worldwide takeover.
Our Power Rankers have been working hard as usual, and they came to a shocking conclusion: the Kazakhs are number one. I know, it’s totally unexpected. In all seriousness, the war with the Iroquois that just began at the end of the last part could really make or break the Kazakh grip on the top spot.
Somewhere near our citadel spam, a young Iroquois chief named Sarapalin is saying that she can see Kazakhstan from her house. Little does she know that her house is Kazakhstan now.
In other news, the Kazakh-Iroquois front is going about as well as expected. Cev’aq and Gift Lake are down in the red, and Battleford is in the black with absolutely nothing capable of capturing it in sight. Nearby we can spot a Taungoo carrier, with a captain who’s unaware of the fact that their map is upside down.
Now THAT’S a lotta damage! Seriously, though, this is a bit overkill. The entirety of the former Metis territories have been turned into nuclear rubble.. Wait, nope, they still have high pop. Part of me thinks this was just for fun, not to actually stop Hiawatha in any way. Regardless, this would still make a better Fallout game than 2077.
“No, Mithridates, I got this!”
“You sure, Zenobia? I mean, Zimbabwe looks pretty big and scary…”“Look, they may have land, but do they have citadels?”
“...yes.”
“Well, they can’t beat our rifles and gatling guns!”
“...they have nuclear weapons…”
“Okay, you know what, you’re right. I’m not going to declare war on Zimbabwe.”
“Ahhhhhh thank g-”
“-instead I’m going to declare war on Zimbabwe, Taungoo, and the Vikings! I’m too strong for just one opponent, plus that Taungoo cavalry was looking at me funny.”“...”
“What?”
“I’m gonna head out.”
What a surprise, Hyderabad has fallen. Zenobia’s gigantic suicide by Mutota clearly did exactly what was expected, though I’m amazed it was so quick. Anyways, let’s gin up the eulogy:
While Palmyra was a strong contender for the first chunk of the game, they began the inevitable decline that faces so many regional powers. While reaching rank 3 at the same time they tore the Seljuqs a new one, they stagnated, and as we all know, stagnation is deadly in the CBR. Endgame was a continuation of the stagnation, with their exile in Hyderabad cementing their rise through the ranks as a function of higher civs dying out en masse. Though the hype was strong at one time, it simply didn’t fuel them.
Jesus Tapdancing Christ, Bob, Slow down! Hawke rushes straight into war against Benin, which isn’t important, and Uruguay, which is terrifying. We all know what the Guay is capable of, and judging by the fact that Newcastle is the only city he has that has any health left, I’d say that I might have to get the next eulogy ready.
Yep, this is looking bad. Canberra and Sydney have fallen, driving Hawke to retreat to the excellently-named city of Wagga Wagga. You know what, it’s so fun to say that I’ll write out Wagga Wagga again. Wagga Wagga.
Bob Hawke famously set a Guinness World Record for speed drinking. After today, he’s breaking that record. He’s left in Wagga Wagga as the Guay overwhelms Newcastle, leaving only a handful of units to finally put the Aussies out of their misery. Crikey.
Back on the Alaskan front, we see that absolutely nothing has changed. Judging by the population dropping - otherwise known as genocide - the cities have flipped, but we’re really back at status quo here. Glad to see competence in warfare.
OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DID Y’ALL JUST SEE THAT SHIT
Okay, so here’s what went down - when Uruguay flipped Newcastle, Australia focused its troops on flipping it back, which they did successfully. Then Ewuare crept in the back door and flipped the city. For all of you who predicted that Uruguay would kill Australia, I’m so sorry that your supposedly-tame prediction is so completely false. Oh my god. Hold on, I need a minute.
Hey guys! It's me, ya boy, Glycolysis, SirMallock, the one and only, back again for another exhilarating guest appearance, this time brought to you by Enigma. So, what do we have going on this time... what. Well um, Australia's blue now. I suppose that's old news, though, isn't it? And hmm... you know, that Madagascaran musketman in the south is quite interesting, isn't it? Yes, and also WHY IS BENIN IN NEWCASTLE?? Snipe of the game, folks. I'm in awe of this lad. Invest in Benin now, everyone. This is Glycolysis, the coolest guy around, signing out!
Okay, it’s Enigma again, I’m calm... ahem, right, a eulogy. While Australia has been beyond dull in endgame, pre-endgame has been anything but dull as Bob Hawke got relentlessly dunked on. With Papua deciding that islands didn't really matter anyways, they got pounded early in the game. After surviving a Kiwi invasion that only failed due to massive incompetence, they bickered with Sulu to little avail. While a strong performer in the rankings, they never quite peaked or did... anything, honestly. Now, in endgame, they lazily settled across the outback before Uruguay's reviled Pacific fleet crashed against the beaches. Now, they lay defeated, taken out at the hands of the most magnificent snipe I think I’ve ever seen in CBR history.
Coiot's Note: Agurably the honor goes to Yu'pik, but welcome to contend in the comments which is better.
Seriously, this isn’t looking so hot. Taungoo has all of two cities left, and though they made peace with Zimbabwe, they’re very, very close to death. All it’ll take is a little push for Hobart to fall, and with both Zimbabwe and Uruguay breathing down the Peacock Pirate Fleet’s neck… this isn’t looking pretty.
Today in CBRX world: all is peaceful in Hong Kong. Nothing wrong there, no protests or anything! How lovely.
In real news, though, Zimbabwe is having some fun consolidating. All is going well for them, though Madagascar’s peacekeeping force is absolutely everywhere. Dear god, they’re everywhere.
Here we see Uruguayan Polynesia, including the mighty pacific fleet that’s notably been nowhere near the recently-concluded Australian war. Even when your navy is top-tier, you still can’t evade the terrible, terrible naval tactics.
I swear, there was a Taungoo here just two minutes ago, wherever did I put it? Looks like the Zimbabwean executioner is still on a roll, as this is the second rump they’ve eliminated today. Keep in mind that we’re at our third death of this part and haven’t even hit slide 20.
Nevermind that, now a word: While they evolved into a looming threat of pre-endgame, one who would undoubtedly dominate the eventual victor of the Chinese triangle, Taungoo never quite materialized. Their production high and their military powerful, they had what many believed would turn them into the next world-crushing nightmare. However, as so many before them can attest to, laziness kept them from making it over the hump. Kicking Seddon out of western Polynesia was certainly a peak of theirs, leading them to the status of “eventual superpower” before endgame. Endgame was less interesting, though, with them island-hopping left and right but never quite advancing beyond regional power. Sure, snapping up Hawke's dumber cities was fun, but it didn't mean much. While they proved the necessity of boats in a naval invasion (who'd've thunk it) when they tossed Sulu to the sharks in their loudest bang, ultimately Bayinnaung's end was more of a whimper. Sorry Emerald.
Back on the Alaskan front, nothing of note has happened. The Kazakh-Iroquois genocide-stalemate keeps on grinding. Meat grinders are gonna grind, I suppose. We shall see if anything changes whatsoever.
Lime’s note: Note that Uruguay now controls both Antarctica and the Arctic
In Onondaga, Hiawatha said “screw this, we’re going to fight everyone.” And so it was done. Now they’re at war with Benin and more importantly Uruguay. We can already see the impacts of this, with Canojaharie nearly falling. While the Alaskan ground beef factory keeps churning, this might be enough to really wreck the Iroquois. Stay tuned.
Welp, there we go. The Guay has already pushed on into Saint-Louis de Langevin and Canojaharie, with very little sign of stopping.
“Lord Hiawatha, are you sure about this?”
“WE’VE GOT THEM ON THE RUN NOW LADS!”
“...we’re doomed.”
Cities keep falling left and right. We’ve proved a myth wrong in Onondaghara, though - the oft-neglected Atlantic fleet has managed to actually take a city. It looks like Kanonwalohale is about to fall too, which puts the Guay dangerously close to taking Florida.
Well, the Menace of Montevideo has finally been halted, as Hiawatha manages to retake Canojaharie. He’s stretched thin and resorting to pillaging EVERYTHING, but you have to respect how well Hiawatha is holding his own. Don’t know how long he can do it with both Greatest Country and The Guay breathing down his neck, though.
Jesus Licking A Melting Ice-Cream Cone To Get The Last Drop Christ, that’s another precision shot. Benin captures Kanonwalohale for… some reason. Guess they really like mojitos? I can’t justify it, but it will stop the city from flipping willy-nilly. You can say what you want about Benin, but this really has been their moment in the sun.
Guess what, nothing is happening in Alaska. The cities remain at one population due to war crimes, all of them committed by the Iroquois. Kazakhstan never did anything wrong ever, you heard it here folks. Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
Lime’s Note: Director’s Cut has even more examples of Iroquois (Kazakh) war crimes if you’re interested.
Sarapalin has been promoted to governor of Iroquois Alaska, given that they control the entire region now. Good job, though everyone is dead now. Your call as to whether they’re the lucky ones or not.
Here we see a rather sparse Moor core. Moor core, that’s about as nice to say as Wagga Wagga. There’s not many units here, but it doesn’t look particularly threatened. Nope, the Middle East looks like an emblem of peace. Also, what is up with those Kazakh lands? They have more Madagascarians than they do Kazakhs! Step up your carpet game, Ablai! All of us rooting for the #1 exporter of potassium need it.
Here we see Tewanondadon (Te-wa-non-dad-on, I swear I’ll stop torturing you Dawkz), but that’s not the big news, because Florida has fallen! While this may be good for Uruguay’s push into general North America, it’s a problem because he will be facing the hordes of methed-out raccoons in the Everglades. Only the strong will survive.
KAZAKHSTAN GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD ALL OTHER COUNTRIES ARE RUN BY CHILDREN… ahem, now that I’ve got my patriotic shitposting out of the way, we can see that the Kazakhs are pushing even deeper into Iroquois Alaska and even deeper. All I have to say is that enclave gore is absolutely nightmarish.
We turn now to the Iroquois Isles, because Hiawatha has to flex and show us all how much better he is at enclaving than his current enemy from across the Bering. Conveniently, Iroquois Ireland also supplies booze en masse to Onondaga, which probably explains the war on two fronts.
As we can see here, Parthia is now at war with the Kazakhs. Their protector and insulation from all harm. We may be looking at a quadruple-kill today, if the Madagascarian peacekeepers get out of the way. Rumor has it that the Madagascar peacekeepers have begun bringing penguins for reconnaissance. We need further analysis before we can determine if that’s true.
Fear the Guay, folks. Fear it. They’ve got Baja California and even regular California too, let alone a good chunk of the Mojave. With no signs of stopping but also a load of recent flips in the red, this war could go either way, but that Irocore is looking pretty sparse, isn’t it?
Another Iroquois push yields some flips on the Alaskan front, but it’s not nearly enough to halt Ablaimentum. As we can see, it looks like Battleford is here to stay, while the flips are in the red and black. Chances are when the next Kazakh turn rolls around, we’ll be back at the meatgrinder.
We’ve set a record, because this part isn’t even halfway over and we’ve seen our fourth death. Ablai decided to put the Parthians out of their misery, which comes as a surprise to nobody. In other news, potassium production in Zadpagarta rose 250%.
Parthia’s strongest moment was way back when the parts were still in the single digits. They fought and they fought, even putting a dent in the Kazakhs, but, as Ablai Khan undoubtedly told Mithridates - “you should’ve gone for the head.” We’re in the endgame now, and as we can see, the Kazakhs were the ones to put Parthia down, not the other way around. A solid meh as a contender, finally laid to rest by their oldest foe.
Holy hell. That’s a lot of weaponry. Make no mistake, the Kazakhs are a force to be reckoned with. A ton of high-power units and only minimal carriers? It’s a CBR paradise. As is tradition, the Madagascarians are desperately peacekeeping, complete with reconnaissance penguins.
There’s consolidation going on in the islands, and while it’s unlikely for attacks up the east coast to begin yet, the fact remains that south Florida and the Caribbean remain very firmly in the hands of that creepy, creepy sun. In other news, the sidebar shows that Kazakh wonderspam has been all too prevalent.
The Kazakhs have been pushed back, losing Battleford. But that’s not the big news of this part, because Cut Knife has a rogue dino problem. Just for a minute, imagine being from Cut Knife. Your city’s been repeatedly nuked by weirdly cubic enemies, everyone you know has been drafted and then died for some godforsaken glacier, and now there’s actual dinosaurs assaulting your home. Actual. Dinosaurs.
Lavalleja can check out any time he likes, but he can never leave. That’s the story, at least, given that he’s taken over California proper now. It is worrying that the Iroquois seem to get pushed back further and further with each fight. One thing is for certain about this war, and it’s that we have no clue how long the Iroquois can even last.
Someone’s learned from Benin in Australia, because Uruguay just sniped a city up in northern Alaska. Why they want Wood Mountain I have no idea, but now they have it. Progress?
Welp, there’s a hole in the Alaskan dam. The Kazakh horde is surging its way through into the Canadian interior, complete with more recreational use of nukes than an angry ancap. Hiawatha must’ve violated the NAP or something, it’s the only explanation I can see.
Another good look at the casual use of Kazakh warheads. There must’ve been a 10-for-1 special on McNukes today, judging by the destruction the Kazakhs have left behind. Note to self: Ablai Khan is an unstable anarcho-capitalist. I wonder who pays for the roads in Kazakhstan in that case.
It seems like the dam has finally broken. The Kazakhs control everything down the west coast now, with very little nearby easily able to recapture them for the Iroquois. Glorious Kazakhstan shall rule over all.
Well, it looks like both sides have changed focus. Uruguay is working its way through the Gulf Coast, and meanwhile the Kazakhs have checked into the Hotel California now. This is getting very, very scary. Sorry, did I say scary? That’s not the right word for this. I mean KAZAKHSTAN KAZAKHSTAN YOU VERY NICE PLACE.
While this may look like Zimbabwe’s territory, the Kazakhs are carpeting pretty aggressively in it. It’s a part of their genius strategy called “have a good two-thirds of our units halfway across the world from the war.” I applaud all of the Kazakh generals for their strategic brilliance.
Little by little, the Iroquois defense crumbles. The Kazakhs making their way inland is grim to say the least, even though they did nuke the everloving shit out of the cities they’re taking over now. If they want to control Fallout: New Kansas, go right ahead.
The Iroquois Isles continue to be a model of peace, prosperity, and inebriation. Are we looking at the future home of Hiawatha’s rump state? Only time will tell if he takes up residence in the Faroe Islands just to get away from the Kazakh blob.
Holy shit. Okay, this was a pretty sudden reversal, and also a genius tactical move. The Kazakh Blitz seems to have succeeded, and they’ve cut off any hope of a growing land border on the part of The Guay. While Uruguay can continue spreading through the east coast, with the Kazakh hordes knocking down the doors of the heartland… I don’t think they’ll get there in time.
The Kazakhs are really taking them out behind the woodshed here. In the span of a few turns they’ve made their way from Alaska to everything west of the Mississippi. This might be the single quickest-changing war I’ve ever seen. We went straight from stalemate to curbstomp.
Lavalleja is getting his share, as he’s conquered Florida and bested the aforementioned raccoons on meth. Sadly, his gulf coast ambitions have been cut off by the Kazakhs grabbing the equivalent of Alabama. Dick move, Ablai. Dick move.
The Anti-Iroquois Aktion coalition has consolidated its gains pretty nicely. Meanwhile, Madagascar peacekeepers are already in the new Kazakh territories, because Of Course They Are. Have we considered that a surprise DoW by Madagascar could really revive the rump? Well, for a minute, before they get utterly obliterated. Fun thought, though.
Congrats, Lavalleja! You’ve taken the final chunk of the coast! It appears that, based on the consistent population drop, the Iroquois flipped the city back before the Guay swooped in and took the key prize of… Alabama. Well, different strokes for different folks.
Jesus Fleeing Across the Canadian Border to Dodge the Draft Christ, that Madagascarian peacekeeping force though. What, did they hear that the Kazakhs had new lands and they had to infiltrate them as soon as possible? It might actually be helpful to the Kazakhs, though, given that it gets in the Iroquois’ way.
Uruguay’s east coast creep is working all as intended as they work their way up to Hiawatha’s backdoor. While the Iroquois are attempting a last stand in Appalachia… who knows what’s going to happen here, but I doubt it’s good news.
Quebec is looking pretty solid at the moment, though how much that’s related to being isolated from the meat grinder in the west and south. It doesn’t matter, though, because the Iroquois and Kazakhs have peace now. Guess that just turns it into an Iroquois-Uruguay war, one that will be significantly harder. One thing is certain, though - Do Not Fuck With Ablai Khan. He went from a city in Alaska to two-thirds of North America in a single part.
I… I… why, Hiawatha? Why??? Apparently the Iroquois Isles are Kazakh clay now, for some ridiculous reason. Giving up his most well-protected holdings in the peace deal is just the worst idea. Hiawatha honestly just dropped himself another rank or two out of pure madness.
Kazakhstan’s decided to escape to the one place that hasn’t been corrupted by capitalism: SPACE! ...where they discovered the fact that the cylinder exists in its own pocket dimension. There is no escape. Welp, with that victory screen that’s it for the entire CBRX1 Endgame, I’m Enigma-Conundrum and I’ve been your narrator. It’s been so good to be with you for the finale- oop, what’s that Lime? There’s more? Like, a lot more? Oof. Okay, let’s keep going.
Where did these peacekeepers come from? Seriously, where do they keep coming from? Kazakhs have only held these territories for a few turns and they’re already getting carpeted by Madagascarian units. In other news, The Guay has been beaten all the way down to Cuba. Good news for the newly-rumpified Iroquois.
Suddenly, the Iroquois are back in the Caribbean. That’s not a rump at all! Hiawatha’s been having some wild mood swings, honestly - one minute he’s giving away some of his best cities, the next he’s William Tecumseh Sherman marching his way to the sea. Iroquois are many things, but boring is not one of them.
Kazakhs have the largest military. In other news, water is wet and Madagascar is useless. It’s not even close, though - also, you can really see the bleeding Lavalleja and Hiawatha have been through for this whole war. The fact that Ablai hasn’t suffered too much… be afraid, world. Very afraid.
Hiawatha is having none of your shit. Not one bit of it. Seriously, where was this demon against the Kazakhs? Regardless of that, he’s worked his way down to Central America and the Caribbean. Sooner or later he’s going to push his luck, but at the moment The Guay seems to have nothing nearby that can retaliate.
The Iroquois got back their cities in Baja California as well, which is pretty impressive - and unlikely to be held, given the proximity of strong Guay cities. However, I have a theory. Madagascar is protected by the Kazakhs because they’re his defense force at this point. Their bodies get in the way before anyone can assault a single Kazakh. It’s certainly *a* strategy, I guess.
THE EAGLE HAS LANDED IN SOUTH AMERICA. I REPEAT, MATURIN HAS FALLEN. How is this even happening? I mean, Caracas is in the red thanks to the Iroquois who not just fifteen slides ago were being repeatedly slapped by the Kazakhs! Things are happening here that should not be happening.
Benin is now at war with Zimbabwe, in what is sure to be a very balanced war-nah I’m just playing. This feels reminiscent of Boers vs Mali. Regardless, let’s see how the Saharan Slapfight™ (yes, I’m claiming this as the name) plays out in this absolute mess of a part.
OwO, what’s this? A thermonuclear weapon…? Yes, tragically, Owo has been nuked. The world’s best city has been subjected to horrors they never should’ve been put through. Guess Zimbabwe doesn’t like catgirls.
After the captains of the Zimbabwean and Benin ships threw darts at a map to figure out where to fight, they landed… off the coast of Uruguay. Yeah, that makes sense. Glad these ships are in a position to capture cities.
Well, Edo has fallen. Boers vs Mali indeed, it’s only been a few slides. We’ll see what happens, but it’s not looking particularly friendly to Benin right now. Actually, it’s looking pretty unequivocally like horrible news for them.
And the snipe that brought a tear to Finnish eyes everywhere is gone. Zimbabwe has taken Newcastle, and with it removed Benin from Australia. Makes sense, given Zimbabwean Indonesia’s proximity, but a moment of silence is still needed.
We now go back to the West African front, which is looking… grim, to say the least. Benin lost Esi and that one-tile island city which I won’t make Dawkz pronounce, leaving them with a thin strip of cities across the Sahara. Ewuare’s time is running out.
Hiawatha’s just proclaimed himself the properly elected President of Venezuela! He has Caracas under his control and is claiming legitimate authority! Somebody call the CIA! Seriously, though, the fact that they’ve made genuine landfall in South America is mind-blowing to me. Three cities, including Valencia, are in the black, too, in even grimmer news for Lavalleja.
Benin is pretty much gone by now. They’ve got three cities in the red and only one in Africa at high health, as well as those others in the black sea. Pretty soon they’ll be just a city-state, as Zimbabwe seems to have no intention of stopping. They’ve made peace with the Vikings, though. Good on ya, Ewuare. Focused on the real threats.
Well, Hiawatha has control of what amounts to Gran Colombia now. Look, if you told me at the beginning of this part that the Iroquois would go “from hell’s heart I stab at thee” and manage to consolidate in northern South America, I would’ve laughed at you. If you said so thirty slides ago, I would’ve called you crazy. However… yeah, it’s somehow happening. I need a drink.
As we wrap up our part, we can see the Saharan Slapfight ending with Ewuare KO’d on the floor. Use is about to flip, Eko is untouched, and other than that there’s the Black Sea colony. Not a good day for Benin, not at all.
This has been an absolutely bonkers part of the Civ Battle Royale X, I’ve been your narrator /u/Enigma-Conundrum, and I bid you all farewell!