Episode 17: The Definition of Insanity

1: Do you remember, the 21st of September?

Ladies and gentlemen...get ready for tonight’s main event: another riveting episode of the Civ Battle Royale (Season 2)! I, ItsTruckMonth (or u/yaampa on Reddit), resident shitposter and Big River simp, will be your host for tonight’s beatdowns! This is my first time ever narrating an episode, so hopefully you’ll enjoy it!

We have quite the show for you tonight, so grab some popcorn (and/or other food items you enjoy while watching), sit back, and enjoy both civs and my sanity completely implode!

Note: As of this episode's release it will be September 21st, so do have September by Earth, Wind and Fire looping in the background for optimal enjoyment.

2: The Classics

Of course we can’t start this episode off without the obligatory thank you to Vihreaa for their wonderful tile-accurate map. Take a good long look at it folks, as these borders surely will not last.

While we’re at it though, a big shout-out to you other map makers out there, wherever you are! I hope to see your topographical takes once again.

3: Sussus Anangus

Someone was gonna have to make the Anangus joke eventually, I, u/yaampa, just went ahead and pulled the trigger. Looking back, this is probably the worst tribute I’ve ever seen to a civ, ever. What did Tjilpi do to deserve this slander (other than send his troops to drown in the Pacific but that’s neither here or there)? What sins have I committed here?

4: Fueling the Caffeine Addiction

As always, a big thanks to the Ko-Fi supporters who help keep the blood of freshly modded civs flowing! Your help is always appreciated, even if it’s just a pretty penny!

5: Tjilpi has been Ejected

No more Among Us references I swear.

Continuing from last episode we’re no longer covering the current numero uno, but highlighting the 11 rank plummet Tjilpi took on his way to the sub last episode! You’ve been quite the whack civ this whole season, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t entertaining as hell to watch. Godspeed.

6: Trouble in Paradise

And without further ado...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEE!

We kick back into things with a shot of the Kulin invasion of Mara-nesia, where at the cost of losing Meheti’a they have captured the former Tahitian capital of Pape’ete! The Kulin do look to have reinforcements coming from the west but I don’t know if it’s enough to get all the way to South America.

7: Karma-ragama

Looking back at the war on the Indian Subcontinent, Chola has retaken Katharagama from the hands of their orange aggressors, though with a paratrooper just outside the city it doesn’t look to be Cholan for long.

Meanwhile N.Yuan scouts enjoy some off-time in the Happiest Country in the World (at least in our world, that is).

08: Tanga Time?

Chola’s also making some gains out in the Indian Ocean, as they have yoinked Mikindani from Zanzibar, and also look primed to nab Tanga as well.

The Zanzibari navy here is looking quite sparse.

09: Pulled a sneaky on yah

The Dene have flipped Etowah yet again, but actually look to keep it within their grasp for the forseeable future with a nice layer of defense. Meanwhile, Tuskalooska’s managed to sneak a GWI to take Jaketown from under Thanadelthur’s nose!

In other news, the Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 520 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

10: Now that’s just rude

For the absolutely appalling crime of doing borderline nothing these past couple of episodes, the world’s leaders have come to the conclusion to place an embargo on Mansur Shah.

Also we see Nigeria take an L as their bid to enact Cultural Heritage sites fails. You can’t win them all, Awolowo.

11: You hear about Al-Jumum? Ye-men. It flipped. O-man.

Al Jumum falls to Punjabi paratroopers as the Cholan bid to try and take it back looks worse for wear.

In fact, the navies of both sides here aren’t looking so hot. Though we can see Ranjit Singh’s distinct tech advantage here in comparison to Raja Raja.

12: Maritime Mishaps

Naval skirmishes find their way down to Antarctica as well, as a Cholan destroyer and privateer venture down in a vain attempt to take Lindi.

According to some sources, the pair of ships were actually instructed to join the main fleet in Mikindani from Chola’s own antarctic outpost, but someone apparently forgot their lefts and rights.

13: 4th of July Fireworks

Out west and slightly to the north, a mass of Cholan privateers battle Zanzibari equivalents in Lesotho’s maritime waters.

When questioned about letting the two navies battle just outside his cities, Moshoeshoe put down his martini and stated, “It’s July, why wouldn’t I want to see fireworks?”

14: You ain’t from Michigan if you ain’t done this before!

As expected the Dene catch onto Tuskalooska’s shenanigans and take back Jaketown, and with no melee units nearby his antics on the Lakes have come to a close. In fact, Thanadelthur strikes back by taking Spiro and Mound Bottom.

Also what in God’s name is a Chukchi carrier doing in the Great Lakes?

15: Shitposts of the Damned

You forgot this war was still a thing didn’t you? Don’t worry, I forgot too.

That said, it looks like things are beginning to heat up between Malacca and Big River as Yaanga begins taking damage. They do have the units to take it, but reinforcing it will be tough, especially with the mass of Kulin vacationers, who especially are enamored by the ruins of an ancient civilization known for their loud language and comparisons to another ancient society historians refer to as “New Zealand.”

16: Drowning Noises

Looks like the Kulin offensive has been pushed back considerably, as Papa’ete and Mo’ore’a have been recaptured by the Marajoaran fleet.

Kulin still have some stragglers left, and some could theoretically take cities, P’kuee is beginning to send in more units, so captures sure as heck won’t last.

17: Wrath of the Chanclas

Kanchipuram and Katharagama have fallen to Punjab, meanwhile Chola has recaptured Sarpang. Both sides still have a ton of reinforcements to continue this flipfest.

Inspired by the status of their cities, as well as low ammo reserves, soldiers on both sides seem to have resorted to throwing discarded flip-flops. What was once thought to have been somewhat painful at first is now regarded as a WMD by both sides, capable of inhumane amounts of pain and suffering. Both sides agreed to completely ban it’s usage immediately.

18: Lion of the Very Far North

Uzbekistan has seemed to consolidate its newfound Swedish gains quite well, and despite some cities still healing, the peninsula has found itself a nice light green carpet.

The actual Sweden, on the other hand, has seen skyrocketing cases of hypothermia, for fairly obvious reasons.

19: Okay maybe someone can conquer the Tamil Kings

Pazhaiyarai and Sarpang have fallen back to Punjab, almost certainly likely to fall again once Chola gets it’s go ahead.

Much to Chola’s, and the Lesotho peacekeepers’ dismay, Anurahdapura is on the verge of falling, with a Punjabi missile cruiser hungry to take it.

20: You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave

Paraguay and Palmares have made peace, leaving Zumbi to his stay at Papaloapan resort, which in reality is just some homeless camp within a Marajoaran super-citadel but don’t tell him that.

Meanwhile the Vandal navy here is looking quite sparse, which is even more concerning seeing as the German and Marajoaran navies both surround and outnumber it considerably.

21: Rosillo: I Don’t Want to Get Hurt, So I’ll Max Out my Defense!

The war between Big River and Malacca has found it’s way towards Malacca’s Pacific holdings, as Antonio’s Missile Cruisers begin to engage Mansur Shah’s privateers, in a battle between tech and numbers.

Back on the mainland, I have devised a crackpot theory regarding Rosillo’s stupid high defense numbers: Rosillo is obviously this season’s shonen protagonist (well, fallen protag now) and those city defense levels are merely a visual representation of his plot armor.

22: Stuck between a Paratrooper and a Hard Place.

Awolowo looks to finish what he started and plans to put Burkina Faso down once and for all. Just one problem: that damn Zairean guard blocking the way.

That said, that German explorer could be oh so kind to move out of the way and make way for a paratrooper? Pretty please, Wilhelm?

23: Tanga Time Indeed.

Tanga has been completely surrounded by Cholan naval units and is essentially guaranteed to get a nice yellow makeover.

Well with that it’d be a good time for you to peace out Raja, Punjab’s bringing the pain and you-….Raja where is that navy going?

24: Are you smarter than a Rump State?

Pliny was bored out of his mind and started traveling the world to find the world’s biggest fiveheads. Low and behold, Nigeria’s got the biggest of brains, but Kulin, Uzbeks and Malacca aren’t far behind.

Also cowboys represent (have you realized my big Big River bias yet?)!

25: Cowboys in Cabo

We finally see a flip in this war as Yaanga has fallen to the Big River. It looks to be temporary, however, as Malacca still has a considerable force adjacent, and Rosillo’s invading force is still pretty pitiful. All the while, Kulin vacationers are still slogging things down in Mexico.

26: To Davy Jones’s locker

The Kulin invasion force seems to have all but disintegrated, save for a cruiser and a pair of bazookas. P’kuee looks to be able to retake Meheti’a with a spare ironclad.

What was once a riptide is now nothing but a little ripple in the waters of the Pacific. Hopefully this isn’t the end of Kulin’s trans-Pacific adventures and that he’s just gearing up for a round 2.

27: Hole in the Wall

Oh hold up! Ubari is now down to the deep red, and Nigeria has secured a space right next to the city! All they need to do now is swap the gunship and paratrooper to take our Sankara once and for all.

Fellas, you might want to start priming those F keys.

28: Raja Male Grindset

Tanga has finally fallen to the Cholan navy, and it looks to be secure for the time being.

Raja Raja is not done though, and by the looks of that fleet he’s looking to go the full mile! Seeing how the Zanzibari defense force has thinned out, it’s definitely possible.

29: Trash Gaaang

After the conquest of Wangdue, Islam was feeling bold, and decided to send an Airborne Forces unit to make further gains.

Unfortunately, he found himself on Trashi Gang turf, and judging by the health of the unit, mistakes were absolutely made here.

30: Kolchak’s Munchies

We get to see a strong carpet of PARG’s landship, the Bronepoezd (which btw what a unit icon). It can build railroads, but upon moving a rail route it loses all mobility, and becomes a powerful ranged unit. Could be of excellent use in a defensive war.

Also look at those city populations! If you read up on the Power Rankings, you’d know that PARG’s food production has glitched to ridiculous levels. Will it be inconsequential? Will it be as stupid broken as the River’s defense levels? Only time will tell...

31: Raja Grindset Rule #1: Ascend from Darkness

Chola’s really striking back here! Already they have recaptured *breathes in* Anuradhapura, Kanchipuram, Kataragama and Sarpang! (Typing that makes me want to get a glass of water Jesus).

Also looks like the usual one civ circlejerk has set its eyes on Japan. Hopefully someone who poses a genuine threat doesn’t join i-

32: Kakuei’s Last Tango

I need to shut up sometimes.

Chukchi has declared war on Japan, and it’s an absolute worst case scenario for Kakuei: the Chukchi outmatch him in production, tech and manpower, and surround him on all sides.

This is gonna be pre-emptive as hell but screw it, I’m priming my F key. It’s gonna be a miracle for Japan to make it out of this alive.

33: Salmon Farming

The Chukchi land force on North America, in heavy contrast to their navy, is pretty thin. I’d argue that the Dene seem like a genuine threat to their PNW holdings right now.

Speaking of the PNW, poor salmon bois: these guys used to own territory from Alaska to California, and now they’re looking to be the successor to Namibia and Poverty Point.

34: Leaves from the vine...

Chukchi has already inflicted the first blow against Japan, as Sanjo has fallen to Chukchi forces.

Meanwhile Kyoto has fallen to the red and the capital of Tokyo has started taking its first bits of damage.

35: This is what we in the business call “foreshadowing”.

Long Swamp and Slack Farm begin to take damage, and Dene gunships and mechanized infantry are slowly approaching the last holdouts of the Mississippi. That said, there seems to be a conspicuous appearance of Paraguayan machine guns.

In other news, the Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 529 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

36: Raja Rule #15: Give your enemy false hope.

The Cholan invasion force seems to have calmed down, as Zanzibari units outnumber them here. Maybe Raja was all bark and no bite, or is it all an elaborate hoax, tricking Barghash into a false sense of security?

Also we get to see our first Power Armor Infantry up north in Mogadishu, courtesy of the Nigerians.

37: ARMORLOCK

As expected, Yaanga has been recaptured by Malacca, and Big River’s Pacific fleet looks a little, uh, nonexistent.

Mansur Shah, however, decides to bring the big guns in order to invade Mexico...and by invade I mean get wiped out instantaneously by Rosillo’s stupid plot armor. The River bois are my bois but come on, this isn’t fair, man.

Also yes I do see that in the left side bar. We’ll get to it soon...

38: Repetition: [Noun] The recurrence of an action or event.

Sarpang falls to Punjab, while Katharagama falls back to Chola. The usual flipfest like always, and Lesotho peacekeepers remain a pain in the ass for Ranjit Singh to deal with.

We’ll get to that notification eventually, don’t worry...

39: Thom and Jerry

Ubari still remains in the deep red, but now that Nigerian gunship has been replaced by a Vandal AA-gun. Is it really that hard to swap two damn units, Awolowo? To the east, it looks like our #1 civ isn’t safe from Karimov’s shenanigans either.

40: Raja Rule #28: Start from the Bottom

Chola’s naval invasion of Zanzibar isn’t limited to just North of Madagascar, as another privateer fleet is sent down south to attack Mombasa. That said, it’s arguably the most defended of Barghash’s cities, so it’ll be a true challenge for the Cholan navy.

41: Falling so slow...

Kyoto falls and Tokyo is brought down to half health. Japanese units have the capability to flip these cities but with the absolute carpet of Chukchi naval units it all seems in vain, and the Japanese navy continues to descend into the dark waters below.

42: Waking up and choosing violence.

I TOLD YOU WE’D GET TO THIS.

THE SOVIETS ARE DOING A THING I REPEAT THE SOVIETS ARE DOING A THING.

*ahem* Seems like my initial suspicions about Perm choosing freedom last episode were right, it painted a big target on his back, one loud enough to wake sleepy Lenin. Already Gori has fallen and Sosnogorsk is in the yellow, although it looks be be a slog thanks to oh god DAMMIT KARIMOV. THIS IS LENIN’S MOMENT DON’T RUIN IT FOR HIM.

43: Round 2: FIGHT!

William Barak has tagged in for round two, and already Mo’ore’a and Pape’ete have fallen back into Kulin’s hands! A Kulin destroyer is also making it’s way towards Kuro Ko, and the city, alongside Pora Pora, are already in the deep red and black respectively.

44: Nice, you just made it political

Alright, time to talk politics. Awolowo looks to ease up everyone and promotes the International Games (yeah that’s really gonna make Japan happy, yeah sure). Meanwhile, Germany, jealous of P’kuee’s navy and fancying the biggest navy in the Atlantic, proposes a boycott on Marajoara, hoping she can’t afford anymore ships.

45: Like fragile tiny shells, drifting in the foam...

Japan manages to recapture Sanjo and Kyoto but with Chukchi destroyers adjacent this recaptures will not last. All it does is delay the inevitable.

The sun dips further towards the horizon.

46: Like a good neighbor

Zanzibar’s antarctic holdings in Lindi actually look to be in danger as Cholan naval units begin damaging the city, and the defending fleet present is small and damaged.

If the current naval force isn’t enough, there’s that one ironclad nearby.

47: I’m Syk of your crap, Karimov

Up on the Soviet-Perm front (never thought I’d get to say that), Syktyvkar has been brought down to half health and Izhma is all the way into the black! Lenin will still have quite the trouble actually taking these cities given certain peacemaking shenanigans.

48: Pouring onto Pora Pora

The Kulin invasion of Marajoara has kicked into full gear as Kuro Ko and Pora Pora have both fallen. A small force of Marajoaran privateers have come to greet these unwelcome guests but will most likely be repelled.

Next stop: Lima.

49: Not all (A)L’s

Looks like the war isn’t all loss for Zanzibar, as calvary units press onto an already weakened Al Jumum, and look ready to take it.

I’d already be impressed if he’s able to take it, I’d be even more impressed if he can actually hold onto it.

50: Little soldier boy, come marching home...

Sanjo and Kyoto fall again to the Chukchi invaders, and this time Tokyo joins in the fall. Niigata has now begun to take damage, and the Japanese fleet is now down to two heavily damaged frigates.

The sun continues to fall...

51: Long Swamp Blues

Paraguay, this isn’t why we voted you in this season! We wanted you to start the wars, not end them! We wanted you to denounce, not befriend!

Jesus… well Paraguayan peacekeepers have managed to block off Long Swamp from the encroaching Dene forces, and are quickly filling up the Mississippi’s remains. The window may have already closed on Thanadelthur’s chances to end Tuskalooska, for now.

52: The Devil went down to Tharja

Punjab has managed to push back down and reclaim Anuradhapura, and while he’s on the doorstep of Chola’s capital, the Cholan navy and Lesotho peacekeeping forces will have to politely turn him away.

Meanwhile Nigeria builds yet another wonder: Jurassic Park.

53: Brave soldier boy, come marching home.

Niigata has fallen. The sun sets on the Japanese empire, putting them at 46th place. Kakuei still has one GWI remaining, but given it’s health in the red and the Chukchi carpet I’m gonna call it as it is: Japan’s done.

The Japanese were initially expected to be alright, nothing too fancy, but always in the shadow of the Manchu (*wheeze*). What we didn’t expect for them to do was bypass settling the majority of Japan, and sending their settlers elsewhere, allowing others to settle Japan and essentially dooming their chances of winning right out of the gate. This would lead to some shenanigans such as the Republic of Osaka and one settlers odyssey across the Pacific, but alas it all came crumbling down sooner or later. Best Yuan would come in to destroy Osaka, and the Chukchi would end Kakuei’s time on the Cylinder. I wish you a peaceful rest in the sub, Kakuei-san. F.

Across the Sea of Japan, Yuan has infuriatingly lived long enough to adopt Order.

54: And now: Sports!

Talk about a tonal shift. We move from Kakuei’s death to the Olympics, where Mansur Shah has won the most gold medals! They win a boost to tourism as 1st place (which doesn’t really help much in a domination game), but also happiness boosts, which are always nice to help quell the constant fears of nuclear annihilation and totalitarian oppression.

55: Al-Yeah

And would you look at that? Zanzibar takes Al Jumum, and with a little persuasion, and a couple bucks on the side, the Lesotho peacekeepers look to block any chance of the Chola retaking it!

It isn’t all loss in this war for Barghash!

56: Doing the same damn thing, and expecting shit to change...

Kanchipuram fell back to Chola but is now back in Punjab’s hands, and Sarpang has fallen back to Chola. Uraiyur is also down to half health but is in no danger of Punjabi occupation.

Can you tell that I’m kinda tired of covering this war yet?

57: Raja Rule #82: Paint it Black

Yeah so about that “not all loss” statement and me needing to shut my mouth? Yeah you can see where this is going.

The Zanzibari capital of...Zanzibar.. Is now down in the deep black, and a Chola destroyer is slowly moving towards the city. Lesotho peacekeepers are playing both sides, however, and may prevent the city’s captured.

58: You’re no Madagascar

Despite Karimov’s totally unfunny attempts to “do a little trolling,” Lenin has made considerable gains against Perm, taking Yarensk and Sosnogorsk, and bringing Vychegda to the deep black.

Lenin is finding ways to break through Karimov’s tomfuckery and I’m all for it!

59: Progress and Penguins

Lindi has actually managed to fall to the Cholan forces, and while there are two Zanzibari privateers adjacent, it looks like the city will remain in Raja’s hands.

That 2nd privateer is Zanzibar’s, right?

60: Cold-Blooded

Yeah so it doesn’t show on the side-bar but Cleopatra declared war on Raja Raja. Doesn’t seem like much at first ,but a Ptolomies privateer is damaging the city of Adichanallur, although I don’t expect either it or any other cities to fal-

...

What does that text say?

61: Meet the Sniper

...wow

Yeah, Cleopatra managed to take Lindi off of the Chola, and while Raja Raja does have an ironclad it is extremely low on health, so Cleo may actually be able to hold onto the city.

It won’t help her win the royale, but it would be a great base to fall back on should their current position be threatened.

62: One Last Show?

On the topic of Cleo’s postion: Medina still exists...somehow.

It’s highly unlikely it’ll get taken by the Chola due to borders and peacekeepers, but should any other civ declare war it’s curtains if they lose Lindi….except Nigeria, they just can’t kill city-states now for some reason.

For a civ who could be snuffed out instantly, Cleo still has energy left to give us a good show!

63: PP (Paraguay Peacekeeping)

Paraguay’s pacifist Peacekeepers prevent pandamonium.

Alliteration aside the Paraguayan peacekeepers have brought the war in Quebec to a grinding halt, and at this point I’m just gonna declare the war over myself, no peace treaty required!

Mississippi, once the king of North America, is now relegated to an irrelevant existence in Quebec.

64: Our words are backed with Nuclear Weapons!

If I were Laos, I’d just feel afraid. It may just be me, but when I see someone say that hate me with every fiber of their being, and then immediately announce they built a fucking nuke, I don’t know, I’d just feel afraid, even if they’re half a planet away from me.

Also say hi to Mapuche!

65: So Close yet So Ubar

We have quite literally been robbed: Awolowo just made peace with Sankara, and Ubari’s still waving those dark red colors. Like they were even so close, just swap the gunship with the paratrooper and ARRRGH.

Awolowo I respect you as the top dog around these parts and all but come on man.

66: Learning to Despise the Uzbeks

People I don’t like:

Myself

Islam KarimovI really fucking hate Islam Karimov

This slide is further reasoning as to why and I refuse to elaborate. Thank you for coming to my TED-Talk.

67: Hotel Wolfenstein

In other news about the Big River - Malacca war: there is no news. If anything the big news here is that a war between Germany and Tongva is somehow relevant as German privateers are damaging Tuhunga. They may take it, but it’s gonna fall back due to .

68: Do narrators start hearing voices during these flipfests?

This constant flipping has brought me to the point where I’m actually wishing for Karimov’s peacekeepers. MAKE PEACE PLEASE I ACTUALLY WANT PEACE NOW JUST PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY PLEASE.

Alright at this point I’m tired of typing out their full names so I’m just abbreviating now. Pazh, Thir, Kanchi and Sarpang have fallen to the Chola, meanwhile Punjab nabbed Anur.

69: Cashmere Carpets

Mandukhai has managed to build up an impressive carpet, and could easily be a threat to her neighbors, especially the Taiping. That said, in my humble opinion, it’d be much scarier if paired with an air force.

70: Plane-ly Ineffective

Chola continues to bomb Al Jumum into oblivion in order to force Zanzibar out, but Raja, in his relentless quest to fulfill the grindset, seems to have forgotten that planes can’t take cities (Sounds familiar, huh Mansur?). Pair that with the overall lack of units in the Arabian Sea and the situation seems to have calmed down quite a bit.

71: Last slide but with 100% more ice!

Chola continues with their bombing runs down in Lindi too, constantly bombing Lindi in an effort to drive the Ptolomies out. They have no melee units in sight so the city will stay under Cleopatra’s rule for now.

72: Can’t have shit in Atahachi.

Ok maybe the war between the Dene and Mississippi isn’t over just yet, as Thanadelthur has snuck in a mechanized infantry to attack Long Swamp. With no aerial or artillery support, half health, and the city at full health however, my bet’s that the city isn’t falling.

Meanwhile, the Chukchi aircraft from before is still there, and multiple crewmen have noted that their bows have been stolen from the carrier’s armory.

The Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 538 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

73: Operation Limalord

Looks like another of my Episode 25 Predictions is coming to fruition as Kulin has made landfall in South America by capturing Lima! Marajoara looks unable to take it due to a lack of melee units and a Mapuche carpet. Maracaibo looks to be Kulin’s 2nd course on the Latin American menu as it has been bombed into the black.

74: The Lesotho Peace Scandal

While there are no Cholan units within reach, the Zanzibari navy has really whittled away here, and the capital of Zanzibar is at half health. Even though they have peacekeepers surrounding the city, the war in India proved that the Lesotho peacekeepers aren’t exactly the highest standard security.

Hell the fact Lesotho has open borders with the Chola, allowing them access to Zanzibari cities is really telling of how absolutely ineffective they are here! Barghash is getting scammed here!

75: Izhma city now!

Even more progress for Lenin as Izhma has fallen to the Red Army! Many Perm cities remain in the deep red thanks to Soviet air raids, and the Uzbek peacekeeping force isn’t completely impenetrable.

76: Bear-ly moving

Just up north the situation isn’t exactly better. Every Perm city bar the capital is in the deep black. Other than that though, not much has changed on this front.

77: Cruisin’ the Andean Highway

Barak ain’t fucking around anymore. Not only has Maracaibo fallen, but Guayaquil and Tunja join their fellow former Colombian city under the Kulin banner. That said, the Marajoaran carpet is really starting the show up near Nazare, so there’ll be much more of a fight to push.

78: Tanking defense to the limit

Malacca has joined in the war against the Ptolomies and while they have the units to take the city, a Kulin tank has pulled a Karimov and stationed itself in the city, thus Mansur has to declare war on the Kulin to take the city. I’m just some dumb narrator so don’t take my word for it, but I don’t really think one antarctic city is worth starting a war with another top 10 power.

79: Slow and Steady, boys

The cracks in the Uzbek peacekeeping force continue to show as Syktyvkar has fallen to the Soviets. It’s taking time but Lenin is surely making progress.

80: Please keep politics out of #Domination

Another round of UN shenanigans ensues as Awolowo makes a complete 180 on his fun loving self and tries to convince every nation into turning fascist. Wilhelm, being the proud communist he really was in history, denounces this and responds by proposing an embargo on Nigeria.

81: Et tu, Shushu?

Moshoeshoe’s peacekeeping has gotten a little more than boring and in a bid for entertainment declare war on Bhutan. Don’t expect any bordergore of the green and blue kind however as the peacekeeping starter kit doesn’t come equipped with artillery rounds.

82: Wonderful Nothingness

The war is still raging between Zaire and Kurdistan with, as you guessed, no progress. Diplomacy wise both motions have passed, with autocracy becoming the new world government, and Nigeria being on the receiving end of an embargo.

On the sidebar, would you be surprised to hear Nigeria built another wonder? No? Thought so. They built the Tokyo Sky Tree (narrator’s note: dope place, if ever in Japan drop by it), which gives +1 culture and gold per Broadcast Center.

83: Finally, Inner Peace...

Chola still pushes towards Zanzibar as Lesotho’s peacekeepers have left some critical gaps in their defense (what did I say?). Some careful maneuvering and Raja could easily swoop in a take the city.

Also the Chola finally, and I mean FUCKING FINALLY, make peace with Punjab. I can finally regain my sanity after saying those city names all those times. From the minimap it looks like Raja managed to retake a fair amount of cities, but there’s really no denying it was a good victory for Punjab here.

84: I Vy-beg-dya to move!

Vychegda is the next city to fall to the Soviet advance, and Karimov has left a wide opening in the defense of the capital, allowing Lenin to send in a landship and damage the city. That said, the unit is only at half health, so the chances of it taking the city solo seem low.

85: Mansur Shah uses Surf!

As you saw two slides ago, Mansur Shah has declared war on Tahiti and, uh, come on do I need to explain this any further? It’s #2 and arguably the strongest naval power around against an island rump state. Get those F keys out you buffoons.

Also they made peace with Big River, with no city exchanges.

86: Raja Rule #100: Walk In, Assert Dominance

At long last, the city of Zanzibar has fallen to a Cholan destroyer, and Malindi looks primed to fall as well. Zanzibar does have the units available to engage in flips, so let’s see if all this work on Raja’s end will be worth it.

87: It’s Super Effective!

And within one turn the entirety of Tahiti is wiped from the game, placing Purea at 45th place!

Polynesia isn’t known for game winners. If anything they’re more known for their comical civs, like the Tonga for example. Tahiti was one of those civs, as being able to teleport settlers allowed for some shenanigans to ensue, such as forward settling Hawaii on their own Big Island, or settling all of New Zealand just for Kulin to quite literally burn the whole island down. They were never destined to win, and as the bigger powers came down on them they fell hard and fast, with Malacca being the one to put them down for good. F.

That said Hawaii actually got a kill so Hawaii confirmed best Pacific civ.

88: Andes Campaign Speedrun any%

The Kulin assault on South America continues as Santo Tomas is the next Marajoaran city to fall, all the while more Kulin reinforcements pour in from the West. Magangue also begins to take some damage from a Kulin tank getting back to work after its years-long trip in Cancun.

Seems like tanks are the weapons of choice for Kulin’s landing force, and are seen drifting like mad throughout the Andes and blaring Eurobeat soundtracks, with locals describing the scene as, “the coolest and most batshit terrifying thing they’ve ever seen in their lives.”

89: Boatcon 2073

The age-old tradition of Boatcon commences, with its host Moshoeshoe choosing Madagascar to be the perfect spot for this years festivities. Overall there’s excitement and good vibes in the air, save for the literal riot in the left hand corner.

90: Divide and Rule, a sound motto

Cherdyn has fallen to the Soviet forces, leaving Perm capitalless and with only two cities. That said the Uzbek peacekeepers look far more solid here, so this is likely be the extent of Lenin’s conquests. Overall, a very good win for Lenin! Let’s hope he doesn’t sleep another 100 years minimum after this.

91: Upon further consideration, I have decided to become worse

Lesotho’s peace-KILLING forces have begun to damage Samtse but I highly doubt they will be able to take or even hold on to any of Bhutan’s cities, so you border gore nuts are gonna have to look somewhere else. The sounds of the ghost of Kekkonen’s sobs can be heard in the distance.

Best Yuan’s also getting into the peace-keeping business, sending some paratroopers down to mess with Moshoeshoe. Maybe you should have actually done your damn jobs and KEEP the peace.

92: I have become Death, Destroyer of Cylinders

The inland campaign into former Colombian territories has begun as multiple cities, including the former capital of Bogota, have taken considerable damage, and Caracas looks ready to fall to a Kulin tank.

Out of desperation, P’kuee decides what needs to be done, and pursues the nuclear option.

93: Good Vibes

Time for our break from the true violence and bloodshed of the cylinder and hey look it’s who is happiest, according to Goethe! Nigeria with its many wonders makes sense, though I question Marajoara’s placement. I don’t think a foreign power driving tanks through your cities promotes good vibes.

94: No Sissis here

Mannerheim has decided to flex his military might through his unique unit, the Sissi, which replaces the machine gun, has no movement penalty for pillaging, ignores terrain cost, and has additional 33% combat strength towards armored units! Is it a good unit? Yes. Are they still absolutely beyond fucked if the Soviets or Uzbeks declare war? Also yes.

95: Catching Some Z’s.

After falling back to Zanzibar, Zanzibar is taken from Zanzibar’s hands, and with only one Zanzibari naval unit left nearby, it looks like Zanzibar may lose Zanzibar for good.

Malindi is also not looking too hot.

96: Nuclear Slugfest 2: Electric Bogota-loo

The 2nd war this season to feature nukes starts off strong as both P’kuee and Barak strike each other with atomic hellfire. The Kulin take this chance to snatch Caracas, and many other Marajoara cities on this slide aren’t looking good either.

In the sidebar, Perm and the Soviets make peace, leaving Saint Stephen to his Ural prison, with *almost* top notch security courtesy of Uzbekistan.

97: Raja Rule #25: Go the full mile.

Zanzibar loses Mombasa too, though it looks like cavalry can swipe it right back. That said, the Zanzibari navy has completely vanished save for two units, and Dar Es Salaam is also starting to take damage. I thought this war would end with the Mikindani and Tanga, but the Raja Grindset doesn’t have the vision for a measly two cities.

98: Hermoupohis? No, HermoupoMINE!

Zaire looks to take the Sicilian colony of Hermoupolis off the Two Sicilies. It will be a tough order however, as Uzbekistan’s peacekeeping shenanigans looks to hinder conquest yet again.

Also in the Kurdish-Zaire war: still no news!

99: Breaking News: There is No News.

We see more shots of the peacekeeping sloggin down the war in the Middle East, as Sine and Silemani are both in the deep red, and there are no units able to take either of them at the moment. Let’s just say it’ll be like this for a loooooooooooooooooong time.

100: Raja Rule #63: Take no prisoners

Malindi has fallen to the Chola, and with the Zanzibari military borderline disintegrated these new gains look pretty secure. Dar Es Salaam looks more secure however, due to borders and peacekeepers, but that hasn’t stopped Raja Raja before now has it?

101: Live Kaiser Reaction

Looks like Zaire’s declaration was a joint one, as Wilhelm is back for another round. The Sicilians look to have actually made the first move by damaging Alesia, but German tech and production could prevail here.

Also, Best Yuan’s cashmere carpet is leaking into Eastern Europe. Oh you classic Mongols.

102: Breaker Style

U Kix Chan, noticing his room was getting a little too full of big head figures, goes to Zumbi and asks for his room in For-I mean Hotel Papaloapan back.

Zumbi replies that he’s busy with what the cool kids call “breaking down.”

U Kix Chan appropriately responds by attempting murder.

103: Hemorrhaging Hermoupolis

Zaire looks to be making progress in Hermoupolis as the city has been brought down to the red. That said, his melee forces are also fairly damaged right now, so his chances of actually capturing the city here are fairly questionable.

Also, there is still no news in Kurdistan. Surprising, I know.

104: Campo-bomb-so

The Germans on the other hand are seeing similar progress, as Naples and Campobasso have been bombed into the red. Peacekeepers of all colors and forms will make true advancement into Italy difficult, as peacekeepers usually do.

105: Fallout: Nueva Colombia

Barak has pulled an absolute barrage of nuclear weapons onto the field and has fastballed them into former Colombian lands, taking Bogota down into the deep black. There look to be no changes in the borders here though.

106: Bludgeoning Beavers

Genseric pondered and thought, “hmmm I haven’t harassed Peter enough,” and proceeds to declare war on him. Barnde Gat is already in the deep black, although considering he has a civ powered by plot armor protecting Kandoucho, I better not see any F keys being primed.

In other news, the Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 556 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

107: The Price of Freedom

The remains of Perm’s once mediocre empire remain, guarded heavily by Uzbek units. The cities are still at half health from Soviet bombing runs but hey, at least you’re still alive, right? That said, was following in Lincoln’s footsteps worth it, Stephen?

108: Flippers in the Desert

Hermoupolis has fallen to a Zairean airborne forces unit, but with Sicilian reinforcements the conquest doesn’t seem to be permanent, at least for now. Also still nothing new in the Kurdish-Zaire war, as per usual.

109: Barnde Gone

And Barnde Gat has immediately fallen to a Vandal GWI. Immediately, Peter was given his access to the city-state club in the mail.

That said I don’t think they’ll die just yet. Yes, Kandoucho has been brought down to the black but they have no way of getting through Big River to get it without war, which would almost certainly lose them their East Coast colonies. Not werf.

110: No Thoughts. Head Empty.

Both Paraguay and Punjab have declared war on Laos though none pose a serious threat for obvious reasons, though it does look like some Riflemen have been damaged just outside of Saigon.

Overall, nothing of concern for Fa Ngum, given he doesn’t pull what he did last time he fought an Indian power and give half of his cities away for no reason.

111: The Great Pacific Garbage Patch

We get a look at the Chukchi and Tongva naval carpets in the Pacific. Tongva’s navy would’ve been impressive about 5 episodes ago when frigates and privateers weren’t horrifically outdated, but for now it’s cute, especially compared to their maritime neighbors in Chukchawaii.

112: Plutonium’s a hell of a drug

P’kuee strikes back at Kulin with nuclear hellfire, striking their former city of Santo Tomas. This bombing is being paired with a small counterattack, hoping to take said city and Tunja.

Also Papaloapan takes a lick of damage up above, like the equivalent of a light slap.

113: Raja Rule #???: I’m running out of ideas here.

I never expected Raja to get as far as to expelled Barghash from Africa but here we are: Dar Es Salaam is now in the deep black and Cholan forces are just stationed outside the city. The only thing standing between Barghash and Omani exile right now is a lone Burkinabe infantry. Rumps together stronk.

114: Laughs in MG-34

The first casualty of the German-Sicilian war is revealed to be Salerno, taken by German infantry, though with the Sicilian navy it looks certain to flip over and over.

Meanwhile Alesia is in the deep red and Ferdinand has an ironclad ready for the snatch.

115: The Combatants Nation

The daily Neutral updates may not be for long as the Vandals have decided to exterminate the North American rumps. They definitely have the overwhelming tech advantage but the geography and Paraguayan peacekeepers casts heavy doubts on the Vandals being able to take Niagara.

That said, the Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 562 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

116: Brazil comes to you

The Marajoaran counterattack has begun in full force as Tunja and Santo Tomas fall out of Barak’s clutches. Maracaibo and Caracas are also taking damage (some better, some worse) but with the defensive power of the PP it doesn’t look like recapture is likely.

117: Salt in the Wounds

Our last UN congregation of the episode starts with Awolowo proposing that everyone dive into the Gene pool. Meanwhile, Wilhelm is dubbed salty by his Internet peers and proposes to ban salt altogether, hoping to end the trolls verbal jabs.

Knowing the Internet and the fact that salty and salt are two very different things, this will absolutely accomplish nothing, and he’ll continue being called “scrub” on Germany’s #1 multiplayer game: Counter Scheisse: Global Otto.

118: The Sultan of Zanzibar lives in Oman now

That’s just where he lives

The Cholan navy has managed to take Dar Es Salaam, and has reduced Zanzibar to the city state club up in Oman. With the peacekeepers I say concretely that Chola’s reached the extent of it’s gains.

Also offscreen, Lindi fell back to the Chola. It was the effort that really counted, Cleo.

119: When a shell hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoooore

Salerno is retaken by the Two Sicilies and Alesia falls as well, though they still aren’t out of the clear yet, same with the city of Teramo. The peacekeepers here aren’t making this fun to watch either.

120: Raja Rule #69:

As I said, no more progress here folks.

Chola makes peace with Zanzibar, leaving them their only gain in the war with only two cities left (yes, they do have another city in Antarctica).

While Chola celebrates some great naval conquests, Raja is surprisingly pissed, as not taking every single city has not “fulfilled the grindset.” After his reflection, officials claimed he was seen pumping irons in the gym for a solid 2 hours.

121: Now watch this drive.

In regards to the Kurdish front, there is still no ne- and HOLY SHIT THERE’S NEWS FOLKS.

A Zairean unit has managed to snake its way through the Lesotho peacekeepers and take Silemani! The city could easily be retaken by the Kurdish forces but I’m just glad we see the front lines move.

122: Up next: the Men’s 1500 mile Freestyle

With the wars in India over, it looks like Lesotho’s decided to give their paratroopers some lessons in endurance swimming. As a former swim team member this is bringing up bad memories…

..that or they’re just sending more units to bully Bhutan or something.

123: The Gala-pain-gos

Kulin has been able to retake Tunja and Santo Tomas but it doesn’t look like the flip fest is ending here soon. Marajoaran easily has the numbers advantage so in a war of endurance I’d give it to P’kuee.

Also Papaloapan has completely healed from that light slap of an attack, as expected.

124: Thunder Run

More progress in the Kurdish front! Zaire has managed to sneak a tank between Karimov’s and Moshoeshoe’s peacekeepers and nab Sine! The capital of Hewler looks to be next on the chopping block.

125: Rage, malice even

I’m upset.

I’m upset that Yuan is still alive.

I’m upset that Yuan lasted longer than Japan and Tahiti.

I’m upset that Yuan lasted long enough to get a fucking ideology.

On the topic of ideologies, Laos adopts Autocracy.

126: Neutrals to Negatives

The Neutrals are no longer alive (they had a 567 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

In all seriousness, the Vandals have managed to surpass my expectations, get past every obstacle, and eliminate the Neutrals once and for all, putting Tsouharissen at 44th place! Time for a 3rd eulogy this episode: The Neutrals were expected to do great things. They were number 4 in the initial power rankings, and looked to be the top dogs of North America. Alas, they were none of those things, and had practically doomed themselves to irrelevancy by Episode 3. They would be one hard nut to crack due to the terrain, however, and through that they managed to live. It would eventually be the Vandals that would end the Neutrals long watch over this world. I personally hoped they could’ve killed the New Netherlands as a sweet revenge story, but alas, it wasn’t to be. F.

The Neutrals are still dead (they’re on a 1 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

127: Built Different. Built Stupid.

Awolowo takes the highest contribution to the Human Genome Project and takes the said project as yet another wonder, netting him extra science, production, gold and culture from scientists, engineers, merchants, and writers respectively.

Kolchak has also been surprisingly active in these kinds of events too, taking 2nd place. No 1st place, but still a PARGChamp worthy moment indeed.

128: Teram-ble ending for Ferdinand

And so we end this episode with a final shot of the war in Italia, where Germany has retaken Alesia and nabbed Teramo. The prospects don’t look good for the Two Sicilies here, as every city west of Chieti is damaged to some extent.

Also Taiping develops nukes. Let’s see where that may go next episode...

And with that it’s time we part ways dear reader. It’s been a pleasure narrating for y’all this week, and I’m glad I could cover such a riveting episode!

We say “F” to Japan, Tahiti and the Neutrals.

Kulin begins their South American conquests.

STALIN FINALLY DID A THING.

Yuan’s still alive somehow.

Chola grinds Zanzibar into more of a rump than they already were.

And finally we remember why everyone hates peacekeepers and why I think Islam Karimov smells.

This has been your host, It’sTruuuuuuuuckMonth, signing off!

In other news, the Neutrals are still dead (they’re on a 3 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

Episode 17: The Definition of Insanity – S2

Abstract