Episode 46: Drenched in the Blood of the Dispossessed – S3

Greetings all to the first episode of the remake, the world has been remade as best as Lunar could do in a smaller map with the unit issues fixed, the civs trapped in total war, and the leaders apparently replaced after the whole escape thing from last episode. Finally the sounds of war march once more, and the world will be set ablaze. I’m Orange, aka u/Orangechrisy, the one who makes the polandball comics (though I invite others to do the same so I don’t have to say “the one” anymore). I did not follow what I said in my previous introduction of finding a therapist again, but it just be like that sometimes. Just gotta rawdog mental illness, maybe not the best idea, but that doesn’t matter for now because we got an episode full of action (I sure hope) and joy (probably for some people at least) (please Mohave you can do it…), and you’re all now stuck here on this journey with me. So I hope you enjoy the narration and the show!

u/Larqus hitting us with the rare MKII content, seriously what the heck. This is a follow up from their previous Diggers of Batticaloa posts, one made 7 years ago, one made 2 years ago. Oh goddess it’s been at least 7 years…

Me? Putting my own comic as one of the OC’s? Unheard of. I would never. You can’t pin this on me, I-I’m innocent, I didn’t do it! Please you have to believe me…! Ah fuck it’s the cops, they won’t catch me this time!

Okay apparently I did use “so fly” as a rhyme for the Ko-Fi slide when I did Episode 5, but like that was ages ago so no one else remembers it so I should be safe to get away with it, right? Yeah. Anyways thanks to these people for donating to help make it easier to run the game!

The Incans seem to be the number one pick going into the remake, and well they sure seem to be in a strong position. So good job rankers, give yourself a pat on the back for this one. *Pats self*

Isabelle of the frozen Burgos, the unholy city of snow, decides that Fascism is needed moving forwards. Whether this is to keep up appearances or because she believes they really are a superior people for living in Antarctica, we may never know. Either way, the city remains isolated from the world, surrounded by ice, almost impossible to take. May it love on in eternity.

The year is 2040AD, also known by the sub’s calendar as turn 480, life begins, it probably won’t last that long. Let the fighting continue!

Qaghon sits on another icy throne, on the opposite end of the world to Burgos, contemplating what’s happening. Brought into this world he finds himself already on the brink of death, and seemingly much closer than any Gokturk before him. What was his purpose? Did it even matter that he was brought into this world if he was just meant to die? These are the thoughts that weigh on the Khan as he hopes that the Arapaho are kind to him in his defeat.

Yeah so the World Congress forgot to be turned off in the remake, so we have a little bit of that. It of course is still fine in the grand scheme of things, just its a bit annoying for Lacs to have to deal with running the game (though that is over so it’s all good now).

Also it should be noted, as the previous slide indicated, the remake is total war all the time, there is no peace for our competitors, only war, blood, and machines, and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of gay war angst. Though now that I’ve said it I now have to write that at some later point…

One part of the World Congress being active is that it means these projects can happen. Here it seems Lacs is proposing the International Asteroid Mining Conference. For the civ that wins the project, they get some nice yield bonuses.

Pretti Nose declares that they need a new religion in the Arapaho lands, and decides on Catholicism as the religion of choice. I choose to believe it still has the Nationalism Animals pantheon, a girl can dream.

This shot also gives us a better shot at the Arapaho core, the unit density is so much better than previously, and they are definitely in a good position to use that military to conquer a lot of lands.

Yuupanqui, seeing Arapaho found Catholicism, decides he needs a religion of his own. His advisors rejected his proposal of naming it “The Killuminati”, so he instead went with their choice. “So much lamer, completely uncool and boring” he thought to himself as he dejectedly went back to having millions of lives under his command.

Ateturk follows the trend, but happens to found the same religion that they had adopted previously: Sunni. It’s also the religion that Turkey follows irl, why the other two didn’t really do the same we may never know.

2 turns into the remake, the Gokturks find themselves dead. They honestly survived way way too long into total war, it’s kind of a miracle. They started off strong but just never really found a good footing, rarely declaring wars and struggling against Han. But they survived longer, all the way to 12th place. So who’s laughing now Wu? WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?

I lied there’s not really any terror going on here. A few ships are harassing Atauro, but like, neither side has that much, especially in the way of ships. But while Afghanistan tries to take Atauro, it seems T-L is trying to take Sau13kanuary, 2041 AD (Turn: 482). Kind of a weird thing to name a city, I gotta say, but hey I don’t judge. Good luck Timor though I’m rooting for you.

Timor-Leste takes Bandar Lampung off Afghanistan, and both Afghanistan and Timor-Leste attack Najran, hoping to nab the other colony. I feel like Timor-Leste has the advantage in the South Indian Ocean, but you never know. Maybe Ahmed Durrani is preparing something secret to take it all back, but it seems unlikely.

A QUICK ELECTRIC BOOGALOO HAH, BET YOU WERE EXPECTING ME TO PUT IT NEAR THE END LIKE LAST TIME BUT I GOT YOU ALL.

Ahem, L + rip bozo + get fucked + I was always against you + Castile is outliving you

Turkey jumps down the east coast of Africa, taking two cities off of Timor-Leste, one city off Yemen, and even one off Afghanistan in Arabia. Maybe Ateturk should have prepared a bit better for this conquest, as none of the gains on the coast at least seem tenable. Yemen already recaptured Isandlwana, and Timor looks to surround Kilwa Kisiwani and Mbarara.

Pretti Nose sends a task force right into the middle of the northern German empire, right to Baltimore. Now they also sent a number of troops to Sukkertoppen (and hey if there’s anything I’ve learned this past week it’s that tops do need some suckin’), so maybe they will be successful in this assault. It would be very nice for Brandenburg to start losing these lands.

Also Turkey just has a bunch of units/ships in the North Sea for some reason, maybe they will do something, who knows.

Ignore what is said at the top of the screen, that’s a surprise tool that’ll help us later (aka next slide), but for now we just get to witness the Incan attack on the Arapaho Caribbean. They look to have the numbers advantage, and Fusagasuga is down to yellow, but they have like no planes at all, and the planes Arapaho have are beating down on Qalla Q’asa, Hunza, and Kokraimoro. Yuupanqui is gonna have to hope this invasion goes quick before the planes turn things around.

Turkey isn’t the one to take Isandlwana, instead it’s Afghanistan! For some reason Ahmed decided that that’s the best way forward. It’s a capital, sure, but it’s completely undefendable, so that’s just wasting a unit really.

Also Mali manages to capture Sugamuxi, one of Kayapo’s remaining cities. Maybe next time we see Kayapo cities taken it’ll be when they are dead.

On the other side of the Arapaho-Inca front, Arapaho is sending a massive army against Guiyang, Aha Kwahwat, and Selye’aya-ita. Like, damn, that is a massive army. I don’t see much hope in Inca keeping any of those cities tbh. Maybe us rankers putting Inca first was a mistake…

My bois… My bois..! My poor bois! Finally, with the unit production bug fixed, and the smaller map, it seems it is finally time to say goodbye to Mohave’s Polynesian lands. Now they just have a bunch of other islands…

We get another shot of Afghan Half-Of-Madagascar, and it really shows how bad of a position Yemen is in. Already down to 2 cities, with another about to fall in the next turn. Al-Sulayi must be praying to her not-as-of-yet-decided god or gods that she can make it out of this alive. She won’t of course, but maybe it’ll buy her a few more turns.

THE PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED IMMEDIATELY AS SHE TAKES BACK ISANDLWANA AND BREAKS INTO KILWA KISIWANI. Will these hold? No. But we’re in the “It’s so back!” arc for her so let’s just keep that hype going.

Taizz is retaken (though likely to fall again soon), and Mazar-I-Sharif is taking some hits. For now it seems Turkey has the upper hand, but if Afghanistan can bring some of those units in southern/eastern India over then they can contest things pretty well.

The northeast coast of Asia is once again up in flames, just like last time. The battle between four separate powers, or well, three powers and Mohave but I for one will still consider them a power. Arapaho has the most units in the area and is trying to attack Turkey, but Turkey has the second most and can likely defend it. Afghanistan has very few in the area, and Mohave has most of their forces around (which is very not much). This will likely be a bit of a slog.

If I was a betting man, and to be clear I don’t bet nor am I a man, but if I was, then I’d still bet that Inca would hold Recife. But you have to admit it’d be really funny if Mali took Recife again like they did against the Kayapo and kept it. Like, that’d be really really funny. So let’s hope it happens.

Fozzy’s heard from his friend that it’s not easy being green. But over here in the Pacific, the opposite may be true. The Incans have gathered quite a large naval force to push into Timor lands and already have taken Wagga Wagga. Timor really needs to build some more ships if they want to defend against this onslaught. But they should also maybe prepare some nice remarks about Tupac, just Incase they don’t... Wocka wocka.

Get it, in case, Inca-se. Good one me, great job. Keep it up.

We get the full view of Timor-Leste taking Saungkang off of Afghanistan, and Ahmed doesn’t seem to have enough to really put enough pressure on the city to secure it again. But not just that, we also get Guzmao taking Hlobane, Isandlwana, Kilwa Kisiwani, Sofala, Mbarara, and Kampala. Absolutely massive turn, I assume the next slide will show those sweet sweet African gains.

And with that, Yemen is dead. Timor-Leste has swept up the last of their holdings, their last ditch to stay alive. But down it goes, subsumed into the red and yellow machine. The one true ruler of the Indian ocean will be Guzmao, and none can stop him. Arwa al-Sulayi gets sent back to the sub, crying into her hands, weeping for the empire that never was, weeping for a time when Yemen had hope, and power, a time never to be seen again.

Yemen was honestly really great this game, the fact that they managed to get so much science put them quite ahead of most of their neighbors, but alas they couldn’t put that advantage to enough use. Turkey took most of Arabia before Yemen could settle or take it, which really set them back, and they failed to attack others when they needed to, or when Turkey was weak. They spent much of the game occasionally picking at Kilwa rather than properly sweeping them and then taking on Pandya, Uganda, and Afghanistan. They had a lot of potential throughout this game, but just couldn’t put it to use. Rip in 11th.

Despite the large Incan presence in the east, Arapaho bursts through, taking Tiwanaku and Kokraimoro from the wealth of Incan units. I’m gonna be honest, things are feeling not great for Inca, my ranking dashed against the iron rocks of Arapaho’s guns. It’s unlikely that they will hold these cities, but it really shows how faltering the Incan lines are.

Timor-Leste, with their superior navy, or really just a navy, moves into the southern Malian coast and nabs Wagadou right from under Kaita’s nose. Mali is still focused on taking Benevento and Sarh from Turkey, which to be fair it seems they will probably succeed at, but it means they’ve built no navy so is just bleeding to Timor-Leste in the south and Inca in the west.

Timor-Leste has a good navy on the other side of their empire as well, managing to take two cities off the Inca and splitting Aotearoa once more. They also have 72 planes compared to the only 12 Incan planes that I can see. Those planes have done a good job at chipping down 4 cities to black, Waitomo, Puk19wa, Piro3gia, and Eug-24ra. I feel it won’t be long until more fall.

CALL IT BACK, REVERT COURSE! RETRACT THE EULOGY! QUICK QUICK! Ahem, *cough cough*, things are fine, fine. Okay, yes, Arwa al-Sulayi has clawed herself back to life, against what I had thought. Now, they won’t last beyond this turn it seems, they have a single robot infantry guy and a settler. But alas, they are alive yet again, so I will have to write a new eulogy next time we see the Yemenless husk of Madagascar.

Edit from me in 25 slides: I did not do a second eulogy, I forgot about it immediately after going to the next slide. The joke was going to be me just copy pasting the previous eulogy again so pretend I did that in about 5 slides when the minimap shows them dying again, and then like laugh really hard cause it was a good joke that you appreciated and found hilarious, thanks <3.

Afghanistan and Turkey flip around a few cities, or more-so Turkey pushes all the way up to Herat and Mazar-I-Sharif and Afghanistan pushes back a little bit. So maybe it’s less criss cross and more just a slide to the right with a little take it back now y’all or reverse reverse.

Ahmed also takes that random Antarctic city again for some reason bro just take like a city near your other cities so you can actually have a chance at keeping it.  

The Arapaho push forward in Central America, taking Aha Kwahwat and Selye’aya-Ita, pushing on Guiyang and Guatemala City. They continue to march south.

“The Incans aren’t putting up much of a fight,” Biscéíh said, putting down the hyper-binoculars.

“Hey they defended Mexico for three years, that’s better than some,” her partner responded. “Gotta give them credit for that.”

“Uuuuaaaah,” she loudly sighed. “It feels like it’s only been about 25.”

Ceneetéénii'ehísei paused from her comptroller screen and looked at Biscéíh, “25? 25 what?”

“I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just, 25.”

“That means nothing, you’re not making any sense. Let’s get back to work.”

“C’mon you know these automatons do all the work themselves, we’re just sitting on the sidelines.” Biscéíh leaned back to lie down.

“We have an important job, we have to keep watch to make sure these bots don’t malfunction.”

“But it’s sooo boring!”

Ceneetéénii'ehísei turned to face her partner again and in a stern voice questioned “Do you want to die on the frontlines?”

“I-No. But you get what I’m saying right?”

“I don’t. I’d rather have you next to me alive then turned into a paste by one of their biotroopers or terminators,” said Ceneetéénii'ehísei matter-of-factly.

Biscéíh suddenly teared up a bit, “You’re too kind to me, what’d I do to deserve you?”

“Besides being as pretty as Pretti Nose?”

“Your compliments are too much,” she said, lightly batting Ceneetéénii'ehísei’s face. “But really, it feels like I haven’t done anything, we’ve just always been together.”

“Are you talking time nonsense again?”

“What? No! …Maybe,” she said sheepishly. “Look, you have to admit it’s weird right? As if everything past a few years ago is in a haze.”

“Yep, on your time nonsense again,” she concluded. “C’mon get back on task, we still have a job to do.”  Ceneetéénii'ehísei brought them back on track, though she couldn’t quite shake what her partner said from the back of her mind. It was a bit hazy, but Biscéíh was speaking nonsense, they definitely had a history past three years ago, she definitely lived it, right?

Mali does in fact take Benevento and Sarh, still haven’t taken back Wagadou but hey it’s something. Turkey really just isn’t putting up a fight for their African lands, which I for one am happy about, I think Turkey’s kinda just had a walk in the park this game, so it’s just so nice to see Mali beat them. I hope the gains continue… and by gains I mean Timor-Leste’s gains of course, LET’S GO GUZMAO!

Lmao even

Bzzt I’m Tiago Varela here reporting from outside Wa-20J where an Incan Tyrannosaurus Rex has attacked the city. We don’t know how a singular dinosaur has breached the city limits, and many are looking to the government for answers. But since they haven’t commented yet we turn to the people for answers.

Camera pan as Varela holds out the microphone

“Excuse me citizen, what are your thoughts on-”

“AHHHHHH! IT’S COMING!”

Camera pans back to Varela, shaking every few seconds

“The terror in his eyes. This is what the government is letting stand by not responding immediately with help.”

A roar is heard

“Can we be sure that this is an Incan dinosaur? It’s hard to say, we must be ever-”

Varela partially disappears as the jaws of the T-Rex dissect him in two, leaving a pair of bloody legs

(Okay so the city’s name getting the damage numbers put into it is a running joke but also that city hasn’t shown up this episode without numbers in front of it and I’m not gonna go check the reddit post that might show it properly (nor read ahead to see if its there) so for now I don’t know the name and neither do you >:3)

Also fine I guess I do have a eulogy for Kayapo… Damn, I did not like them. They had a busted start with their uniques and position, making it incredibly hard to attack them and giving them huge amounts of population and science super early on. Then they just did so little with that, like, they fought Brazil? That was their biggest thing for a while, and Brazil was weak af. Then they fought RDLP who was similarly super weak compared to the way too teched up Kayapo. The first time they had a proper war with the Inca they lost despite the Inca being weaker as well, just still strong enough to be an actual fighter rather than just a pushover at the bottom of the board. Though my favorite moment was when the much weaker Malians took Recife and kept it after peace, that was fucking hilarious. Kayapo the entire game was just “turtle up to be powerful later” and then not doing enough to go through with the “be powerful later” part. Glad I, the resident Kayapo hater, can be the one to send them off so I can influence everyone’s final perceptions of them. Rest in all the pieces Metucktire, I laugh at your demise.

Arapaho continue to surround Guiyang, though haven’t quite taken it. More sadly, they also are surrounding Kamahnulya and there’s a good chance they take it too. My poor Mohave and Iretaba… They deserve to keep their Hawaiian holdings. Please let Iretaba Miku survive.

Sidenote I do gotta say it feels weird to greatly badmouth Raoni, like sure I hate him/his civ in this game but the dude is a real person who is still alive who seems like a great dude trying to fight for some really good causes (and his own people’s lands). So like, real Raoni Metuktire, you’re pretty cool, keep it up, I hope if you for some reason ever read this that you’re doing well.

Honestly, no one in the Timorese government is really sure how Captain Cirrus was able to take Huari, but she did, and now T-L is up 5 cities since 2 slides ago, having retaken Wah-24, uniting Aotearoa with Pukawa, and pushing into Pirongia, Waitomo, and Huari. Maybe if the Timorese people look back to this time in history they will see pages and pages dedicated to the brave maneuvers of Captain Cirrus and the fantastical assault she led in the South Pacific. Maybe they’ll also see a funny video of a guy named T.V. get eaten by a T-Rex after being an idiot with zero surrounding awareness, and then click instead to a better video detailing Cirrus’ exploits with well animated graphics and professional voice-over rather than clown music over a dumb news man.

Isabelle continues to live out in the tiny city of Burgos, ruling over the tiniest bit of snow and a whole bunch of ice. Really hoping no one gets the funny idea to paradrop a unit into that open space… Castile better live on, the frozen dream shall never thaw!

6 cities fall to Ateturk. We only see one here though, Cottbus in Denmark. Also in this slide is Arapaho still not taking Sukkertoppen or Baltimore, the one and only home to Big Bell Hell’s car dealership. Some other cities taken that we for some reason do not see next slide are Benevento and Sarh from the Malian Sahara, Mbarara and Pemba from Timor-Leste’s East African holdings/islands, and Mazar-I-Sharif from Afghanistan.

Mali pushes a bit into Arapaho by taking the nearby city of Sugamuxi, formerly Kayapo’s, and also somehow sneaks in to take Fusagasuga from the Inca. Be proud of yourself Kaita! And don’t look to the eastern front! If we don’t see on screen those two cities fall then it’s like they never fell at all! They also take back Wagadou but same principle applies except maybe it’s counterproductive here.

It seems Captain Cirrus’ work was a bit for naught, though it will be remembered for ages, as the Incans take back way too many cities: Wagga Wagga, Ngaruawahia, Waitomo, Tokaanu, Narrungdera way forward, and Manton Par which Timor-Leste had apparently taken last time. Good work Yuupanqui, this front really feels like a proper war. Constant back and forths. No idea who will win. I hope it’s me. I can win right? Yeah. I’m gonna win.

So Atauro has somehow managed to not fall this entire time, I have no idea how, what are you doing Ahmed, did you forget to bring melee ships? Probably. Guzmao makes a big move not just in ensuring Atauro is no longer in danger and taking a city on the subcontinent, Tirun-14li, but also pushing against Turkey in East Africa and Arabia, taking Taizz and Ibb, along with retaking Mbarara and Pemba off screen but on the minimap. It seems perhaps Ahmed’s grasp on this part of the world is starting to be put into question a bit.

Not the best turn for Ahmed as he also loses Khovu-Aksy and Peshawar to Turkey (Peshawar being the big city next in west India next to their capital and the big block sticking out on the minimap). Though Turkey also takes some of Timor-Leste’s gains as well. I know we all were looking at Afghanistan like the underdog that actually might pull it off, but oof it’s not looking good right now.

Why does Turkey get all the city capture notifications but others don’t? Discrimination and prejudice, that’s why. Show me Guzmao taking like 10 cities at once, c’mon!

Despite all these gains for Turkey, possibly the leader, definitely one of the top strongest, Ateturk is still losing in Africa, to Mali. Mali, the more underdog than Afghanistan Mali, the still unsure if they have finished the tech tree Mali (maybe they have Idk), the couldn’t take back their core city of Wagadou for too many turns Mali, the sending a giant army at Thebes and will probably take the city Mali. Ateturk is throwing away cities so close to his core to continue his conquest in the east, will it work out? Only time can tell… Or me by the end of the episode hopefully.

As the Mohave musician flees Kamahnulya, they put together a song, sent out on the radio waves into the unsteady seas, hoping they are heard before the Arapaho navy finds their small boat. The simple melody sings out:

Led to rot in treachery

Bury me in irony

Goodnight with a song of love

When I wake I'm born again

No one left to mourn my end

Shout from the other side

Sink me down below

Yes I know it says Tegdaoust but I read it as Tegquest at first so I’m putting that as the slide title because I think it’s funny. Teg quest, the quest for Teg.

Anyways, Inca has finally decided to make a new front for themselves and push somewhere they have not yet: West Africa. Now sure, they are still fighting in and kinda losing in Central America, but hey, they got spirit. And that’s really what matters in this game.

On one hand: Mohave retook Ido-Kuvai’re, and managed to keep the great musician alive, as well as took a city in China off of Afghanistan. On the other hand: More proof of Timor-Leste’s dominance and continuing presence in the Pacific. If those ships turn north they could take all those islands. For now a victory, but I wonder how much longer…

Ateturk really is going hard on that strategy, as they have lost the remnants of their Indian Ocean presence (they kept flipping Pemba down south of Madagascar for while but that seems to be over too), Timor-Leste is pushing into Arabia, Mali is breaking down the doors of Thebes, Turkey has no units around. This is just, what are you doing Ateturk? What’s your strategy here? You need to defend your core but instead you are practically inviting them in. I was right not to support you.

Y- Uh.. you know, the... One thing I should... excuse me for one second.

Two meme references last slide? Good job me, keep it up. But alas it seems I must talk about it. Turkey has a huge turn taking 8 cities on all fronts. Two off Timor-Leste pushing them off of Arabia, three from Mali in the Med, two off Afghanistan, and one retaking Cottbus from ol’ Fredrick William. No idea how well any of these will hold, but damn, that’s a big turn.

Guzmao is also pushed out of India, with Ahmed even taking Darbh-21ga. But Afghanistan is looking very dry for units, so I think Timor-Leste will be able to push back and probably make their way into Tirunelveli, Darbh-21ga, and Madurai soon enough.

Kaita is forced to retreat units to retake Bari and Benevento (and yes, they had to, it’s totally not like they could’ve just used a few units to take them and keep the rest focused on taking Thebes, preposterous), but they fall a bit short of taking Palermo for whatever reason. They still look like they’ll be fine and will be able to push on Thebes again soon, but wew not the best look.

Now Arapaho gets the huge list of city captures, the most important of course is that they took Hamhung from Mohave since that’s what is in the slide, very sadge I am weeping and sobbing and crying. How could they do this? We will never know. The monsters. Maybe they read the gay angst earlier and decided they wanted me to be angsty instead? Who knows. Anyways, they also took Hinoyama and Ido-Kuvai’re off Mohave, Hinoyama being on the main island and I think their previous capital, someone else check that one for me so I don’t have to go back a few slides.

Following, we also get a shot of some of the other conquests, these in the east. Valladolid and Oveido fall into Pretti Nose’s hands, getting her a small foothold in Europe. We can also see very slightly, and it happened like 10 slides ago it seems, but Baltimore also fell. And no, you can’t stop me repeating terrible jokes. Anyways, since the next slide also doesn’t show it, the other cities that fell are all Incan cities in Central America: Choquequirao, Qalla Q’asa, Tiwanaku, Guatemala City, and Fusagasuga. One of those is on the Galapagos, they’ve pushed to the Panama city, and retook those two Caribbean islands. Things are not looking good for the Incans.

Geez this game doesn’t like it when I make statements about it. Yuupanqui counters the previous turn by taking three cities back off of the Arapaho and four off of Timor-Leste, taking the city near where Sydney irl is, the Tasmanian one, somehow Maiyingu Marragu which T-L shouldn’t have held when it was behind like three Incan cities in this pic, and a random Antarctic city in the south Atlantic. I said this before, but this is a really good total war, so much back and forth.

Hamhung is back in Mohave hands, though oof things aren’t looking good for my bois. Back down to three cities, can’t believe Afghanistan didn’t let them keep Nanjing, Hinoyama still not returned, and very few units left… ;-;

Kaita, you good? My guy? My dude? You lost Bari and Benevento again and still haven’t retaken Palermo? What are you doing? Where’s the lion of Africa when we need him most? Is Kaita even the lion of Africa? I have no idea? What are we calling him? Maybe Mali is more like the large house cat of Africa? Or the aggressive but still domesticated and gets named “Spot” to an upper middle class white family in Missouri dog of Africa?

Okay so funny thing with the minimap, if you’ve been paying attention. Since we last saw a proper T-L front, which was three slides ago in the south Pacific, Timor-Leste took four cities over there, pushed back into southern India then took the last southern Indian city along with the Bengal city, broke into Arabia again, and took Wagadou and Malanje from Mali again. Quite the active lads, really making those of us supporting them feel good.

And now we get that shot of the south Pacific, where we see Inca has rebounded and marched into Wahluu (finally we get that elusive city name) and reuniting Aotearoa but not retaking Huari, or maybe they haven’t had the chance yet? Though I don’t think that’s the case. This front continues to be a bloodbath, but hey, Captain Cirrus is back in taking cities she probably shouldn’t be.

Things are really not looking good for ol’ Ahmed Shah Durrani, Nasi-20AD fell, almost pushing Afghanistan entirely into China. Dhaka will likely fall next turn, and Khost and Avi Mota (praise be) look to soon be on the chopping block as well. You can’t say Ahmed didn’t try at least, and I gotta say they’ve had one hell of a try.

Somehow ol’ Fredrick Willy has nabbed Cottbus back from the Turks and even broke into Finland in Klaipeda. They have some city hidden by text surrounded but haven’t damaged it yet. Is this also indicative of Turkey fumbling a front? Hopefully, but also not hopefully cause fuck Brandenburg I hope Arapaho finally gets up and rolls them over from the west.

I SAID “from the west”, not “to the west”. For fucks sake Pretti Nose you’re supposed to be on my side here because I decided it as such, so stop attacking my beloved Mohave and go fight Brandenburg. Look, you lost Hinoyama to them so just say that’s it and turn all those nexii back home. Please?

So it seems it was just a normal back and forth, as Turkey has responded by retaking Klaipeda and also managing to get into Eberswalde. It should be noted that Brandenburg has like, 5 planes in frame. Turkey has 62. That’s, not good for Willy. Will Willy wiggle his way out of this one? Probably not, but it’ll still take a while for him to get eliminated so he can still be an annoying thorn in Turkey’s side for a little bit longer.

Also the International Asteroid Mining Conference fails, rip Lacs’ attempts to colonize asteroids.

The Red Sea is called the Red Sea not only because of the cyanobacteria Trichodesmium erythraeum found in it that can turn it reddish-brown, but also because Timor-Leste’s units are filling it up in a massive push, and because it’s filled with the blood of these war machines fighting. But yeah, wew, that’s a lot of units. Guzmao takes Herat, is pushing on Korkai, is surrounding Sana’a and Taizz, and might even be able to grab Sarh too. Turkey really thinks their core is up in Russia don’t they?

The Arapaho move into the Galapagos again, but really this past slides since we last properly saw Arapaho’s front lines shows them mostly having lost land, such as Sukkertoppen in Greenland (yes I will use whatever excuse I can to keep saying that name it’s hilarious) and Valladolid in Iberia. Back against the Inca, it really seems breaking into the continent is hard, the Incans can just so much easier get units to the cities, so there’s just a bunch of flipping of the coast, but no moving further in.

Mali retakes Wagadou and Benevento! But also have lost Valladolid to Brandenburg, still haven’t secured Kangaba and just keep flipping it, have lost Tegdaoust, and still haven’t secured Bari and Palermo. You were at the walls of Thebes Kaita, c’mon. Step things up a little. PUSH! But seriously if they actually can take Thebes it would be so funny.

The Arapaho push hard into Hawaii and southern Japan. They have a large amount of units protecting the islands and look to likely take the rest of Mohave’s lands soon… At the very least they don’t look likely to lose these islands anytime soon.

There’s a lot of damaged cities and a lot of mixed up units here, Choquequirao, Qalla-Qasa, Hunza, Kokraimoro, Recife, and Rio De Janeiro are all in the red and black, with a spattering of Arapaho units tossed around that could all potentially grab a city. More concerning for the Inca, as I think I’ve mentioned sometime earlier I forget it’s a new day and I don’t get enough sleep ever, is that the Inca do not have enough planes. The most planes they have in this pic is Tiwanaku which is on the front line and in danger of having all of its planes destroyed. I just don’t think they can hold on to a sustained defense with these sorts of numbers.

Ol’ Guzmao makes a strong play this turn, nabbing four cities off of Turkey: Mazar-I-Sharif, Peshawar, Dhaka, and Korkai (they already owned Herat). On screen this looks really good, and seems like a fantastic push by T-L. Now, whether or not they hold those is another thing, and they probably won’t, but it does bode well for Guzmao. If the line stays around here it’ll be very nice in keeping Turkey down and keeping them up.

Hehe :3 I love this city name, it amuses me so much.

Baltimore, sadly, remains Brandenburger, and looks like it will remain Brandenburger until much later. Maybe Turkey will somehow take it before Arapaho comes back to it, that’d be funny. Annoying, but funny. Either way, Pretti Nose seems pretty allergic to reinforcing this front of hers.

Kaita has a really good turn retaking Wagadou, Malanje, and Salerno, as well as Palermo and Kangaba last turn and retaking and then relosing Sarh. Bari remains barily alive. More importantly, at least for me, is that Thebes is back into the low red with a real chance at taking it. Also a real chance of their units being wiped out and having to build an assault team again, but hey it be like that sometimes.

Fredrick William tries to push a bit further but is met with naval resistance. Both sides need more units in the area if they want any real progress, and Arapaho does have more ships off to the west so maybe they will get used but uh, who knows. Not I. I am but a mere jester saying sweet nothings into the ears of all of you, bringing nonsense to the world and making everyone question why I’m like this. Good question, won’t be answered.

Wow look at all those cities Guzmao took! Surely none are just cities they have retaken and are in a worse position then they were last time we saw them, right? RIGHT? I kid, actually an adult but you get the idea. They are down two cities in India, one in Iran, one in Yemen, and swapped two cities in the Pacific with the Incans. So much back and forth, so much bloodshed. I should do a narrative for the next shot over here, so that I don’t have to repeat basically the same things and can practice writing more instead of the word gibberish I normally say, though I guess if you are reading all this you’re fine with my word gibberish…

Edit from the end of the episode/two hours later: I forgot

Qalla Q’asa and Fusagasuga are retaken from the Arapaho, the city hidden by the “PLEASE WAIT” button also got taken and then retaken last turn. Shows the Arapaho are really pushing further. Like I had said with Timor-Leste in India, but over here, with the Arapaho, and the Incan lands, and yeah. Words. Wow I really have just had three slides in a row with me being meta talking about my narration. Maybe that’s a new record for me, I’m not gonna check so let’s just say it is. Good job me, pat on the back, thanks me.

So, of course, first things first is that Timor-Leste has retaken all of the Zealand of Aotearoa, except Waitomo but I don’t know if that’s actually part of the country irl and I’m not going to check so I’m just declaring it isn’t. They also took Eugowra and Pirongia, clearly pushing the line up. They also took Maiyingu Marragu last turn without taking Pirongia and with taking and losing Eugowra, I really don’t know how they keep taking that city and then not losing it when the Incans take the city directly to its west. Like, c’mon Yuupanqui, do better.

Also, since it’s not on the next slide, they also retook four cities in the Middle East, two in Yemen, Peshawar, and Mazir-I-Sharif.

Arapaho finally takes the fortress of Koshoy -23gon, the greatest of the shapes. How a polygon can have negative sides, I have no idea, but they made it work. And maybe it was their downfall, playing so hard with the laws of space and time. Geometry has its limits! Don’t try to play God Iretaba! JUST BECOME THE GOD YOU WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE! FREE YOURSELF FROM THE SHACKLES OF LIFE, THE CYLINDER IS YOURS!

No I’m definitely not sad that they have been pushed down to Pyongyang and the city is surrounded and have like no units left and there’s like 10 slides left and yeah…

Okay hold up Timor-Leste is going way beyond what I thought, those two were going back and forth for ages with each side taking a lot of cities but now it seems the Incans were just stopped? Did they run out of ships? Like, they are getting closer and closer to the coast of South America and it doesn’t feel like Yuupanqui can just easily push back any more. Geeeeez, Guzmao really is positioning himself back on the top spot after us rankers dropped them to fifth, barely a contender. BUT NO THEY ARE PULLING IT ALL BACK LET’S GO!

Vincent Van Gogh’s latest exhibit in the last Mohave city of Pyongyang is one of terror, of loneliness, of dread. His famous strokes used to bring forth the emotions of the war, pure and unfiltered on the canvas. Each painting’s description does not describe the painting themselves, but of guns, bombs, mechs, and other weapons of war, along with someone they killed, and who that person was, their ideas, dreams, job, family. A sobering experience to anyone entering the exhibit, yet to those who have lived through the hell of the Arapaho warmachine find it indescribable, a visual of their deepest pains and traumas. To the common person, the exhibit is free, showing what they all have experienced, but to the rich, the politicians, the foreigners (the poors can’t travel of course), they all have to pay a hefty fee. They have to pay for the horrors of what they get to avoid, of what they don’t have to experience, because there’s no other way to force them to suffer in the same way, Van Gogh can’t pick who has to fight, all he can do is present the horror of it all, and maybe, hopefully, get them to change just a little bit.

POP OFF KING! Guzmao decided at the end of this episode to really kick it into high gear, now almost entirely securing the south Pacific. Like, hot damn look at that. In addition they also take northern Burma from Afghanistan, and some of India back from Turkey (neither of those appeared on the minimap though). Also the Incans took Waitomo again, so Guzmao still has a few Antarctic colonies to knock out to really secure things. Timor definitely number one, no one else comes close.

RIP to a real one, to the best one, to the defier of the odds (or well, one of them), to the one with the gall, the one who said fuck it and still settled the Gobi when they died from it in every test, to the one who stole my heart and did better than anyone could expect. Mohave really did do way better than anyone thought they ever could. Nearly every single test they sent their settler to Central Asia and were so incredibly weak and just got rolled over. But this run, the true run, they fought their way through, still settled Central Asia, dominated the coast, marched into Japan as a true weeb, made an actual decent sized colony out of Central Asia during total war, and let me draw them with the Miku hair. Damn they played a good game. Yet I still think they deserved higher, first maybe, of course, but more realistically they should be getting 5th, or 4th. Pour one out for the greatest. Bless the sub and bless the heavens, bless the world with Mohave’s presence. It’s all downhill from here.

Sun Ra, the legendary jazz artist who escaped the carnage at Kamahnulya, writes his last piece. His melodic piano and driving synth sounds give a soundtrack to the end of the world for the last of the Mohave, a somber tale and somber tune. Beats that give the people a little bit of support in the wake of their end, the fallout in the hours, days, weeks, and months after the fall. Sun Ra wouldn’t be able to escape the mechanisms of the Arapaho, following the same fate as so many of his fellow Mohave. But his music would live on, bringing hope to those who would survive, to those who were now under the thumb of a new government.

Across the world in West Africa, Mali had actually managed to take back Kangaba and even Tegdaoust a turn or two ago, but now are facing the Incans taking both back and even taking Fez. The Incans may be losing in their west, but they are winning on this front. More importantly is that Mali finally took Bari and has secured those Med cities they lost so many slides ago. It’s not really more important, but it’s finally over geez they should’ve done that ages ago. Now they gotta go push out the Incans again.

There’s a large build up of units in the Middle East, will it be enough? Who knows… Anyways this slide shows Turkey taking back a city from Brandenburg and Arapaho, but the slide minimaps missed Timor-Leste pushing all the way to Kandahar, which Turkey takes back. But Ateturk doesn’t take back Sarh and Sana’a which were also taken. Maybe Thebes will fall to Timor-Leste before Mali, it's feeling more likely…

To go back to the boring front for some reason where Turkey took back one city, Erg-34kon, but are likely going to lose it soon. They also keep fighting Afghanistan over Khovu-Aksy, but are yet to touch Avi Mota yet. Y’know, from the start of this episode, you wouldn’t have expected Afghanistan to be down to 8 cities in China, stuck between three much much greater powers.

We also get a shot of the other city Turkey took back, Klaipeda. Not sure why we are getting these when we could look at how Timor-Leste took four cities from the Incans and are now in the Galapagos. (Sidenote I finally looked it up cause the doc keeps getting mad about it, apparently it is not “Incans” but just “Incas”, and I’ve been getting that wrong this whole time and I’m not gonna go change it so sucks for those of you who are pedantic about that spelling. I wonder if I got this wrong in my previous narrations too or not?) Anyways, Brandenburg really is trying to push on London but is just failing, their big army is just doing nothing. I suspect the complete lack of planes compared to Turkey’s many many planes. But y’know, props to Fredrick Willy for managing to go even with Turkey this entire war, though I will say Mali has gone fairly even with Turkey but also did it so much more excitingly.

Burgos has been shelled for years now, and a massive Incan army has set up around the city. Yet, because of the world, they can’t do anything. The ice protects them, there’s no way in. They haven’t figured out how to paradrop. Isabelle lives on another year, another episode. Forever shall they stand in their icy home, in safety from the world (ignoring the bombs). Though sadly we won’t get to have the nice narrative conclusion of ending where we started here in Burgos because there is one more slide…

We end this glorious episode with the Arapaho war machine coming into conflict with the Timor-Leste war machine. Guzmao really has put himself on top of the world, can he be stopped? I don’t know, we’ll have to find out next week. For now, the clash of metal crushes the lives of all they pass by. Bullets sing and the flow of blood shows no end.

Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed what I wrote, got all the reference, and I’ll be back for narration for mkx4 (hopefully Episode 5 again to keep the streak going). This game is almost over, I’m hoping Timor-Leste takes the crown, that would be the greatest of ironies, the greatest possible upset. I’ve been Orange, and since it’s 10:30pm here, こんばんわ！(If you can read that you’re a fucking weeb)