Episode 10: I Put a Spell on You – S5

Release Date:

March 24, 2026

Narrated by:

Lasqueto

Viewing: Vertical

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1: Hi

Hey hey people, Lasqueto here. I’m the in-house artist for the CBR and a power ranker, but this week I’m your narrator. This must be uhhhh, the third time I’ve taken a shot at writing an episode? Pretty sure it’s the first one I actually followed through on and finished, though, so you’re gonna have to put up with me for a whole episode. It’s gonna be a bit of a narrative heavy one, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And of course, as always, the CBR is filmed in front of a live studio audience (the showrunner’s wife).

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Are You A Horse?

2: Are You A Horse?

Scythia might have learned to fight wars good, but they’re still huge stoners.

3: Basket Case

Pomo or Tlingit? It’s the big debate this season, maybe only behind Pomo and Teotihuacan. What is it about Pomo, anyway?

4: Your Money or Your Life

Big shoutout to everyone crazy enough to give us money every month (fr tho, it’s a huge help). We also have a range of stickers and magnets available, drawn by yours truly, so place your orders now! Y’all really like Pomo, huh.

5: Hall of Shame

Last week’s biggest loser was Wassoulou, who plummeted a whole 16 places, barely keeping out of the bottom 10. The main reason for that was, of course, their war with Aures. That’s ongoing, by the way, so they could fall even further…

Anyway, without further ado…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Aaaaaaaand We’re Off!

6: Aaaaaaaand We’re Off!

The Pegu war is a right mess. Bangladeshi and Lanfang ships struggle not to crash into each other, while on the land, soldiers from both armies race towards the walls of Hongsawatoi. The city’s bound to fall, it’s just a question of who to.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Cold Wind Blows

7: Cold Wind Blows

Samori Toure surveys the troops in Madina as the refugees start trickling in from out east. The wind blows into the city from across the Sahara, yet somehow it feels bitter cold. He shudders.

Somewhere in a cave deep in the Tell Atlas Mountains, Dihya sits beside a firepit, the light of the flames glinting off her crown. Her enemies say she’s a sorceress. They’re right.

She mutters something, casts a powder into the fire. It burns green, and for a brief moment the likeness of Amina can be seen, before vanishing into the flames.

The Queen of Zazzau awakens from her sleep with a jolt. “SAMORI TOURE MUST DIE!” she screams. It’s not an unpopular sentiment. The people still remember the loss of Turunku, and even if they cannot regain their lost glory, there’s still a chance for revenge. Troops immediately start marching along the coast, bound for Wassoulou.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Methodism to the Madness

8: Methodism to the Madness

With Tlingit trounced and the other coalition partners beaten back, the people of the Anishinaabe find more strength in their faith. A council of the priesthood is carried into power off the back of this, and Pontiac made head of the faith. Anishinaabe joins Pomo and Ket as one of the Cylinder’s theocracies.

The fact it’s a Methodist theocracy takes some of the oomph out of it.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of It’s Time to Get Away

9: It’s Time to Get Away

The Guaycuru establish a fishing outpost on the far flung island of South Georgia. It also serves as a potential refuge for Eso if things fall apart on the mainland. Not a bad call, given how scary Chono’s starting to look.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Passing That Rhetoric Check

10: Passing That Rhetoric Check

Up in the northern frontiers of the Kipchak empire, Togortak summons his Tarkhans. They line up outside the city of Kara, dwarfed by the scale of the enemy host. Ket has them outnumbered two to one, and the men are getting nervous.

Togortak calls for silence. “Tarkhans! Gentlemen. South America or the Serengeti - there’s hardly a square foot of land in this world we haven’t spilt blood on,” he picks up a handful of earth from the ground. “But now we find ourselves fighting on our own soil - Kipchak soil. So I ask you, gentlemen, you can fight for money, but can you fight for freedom?”

With a great roar, they all charge.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of North Sea Scramble

11: North Sea Scramble

The Hanseatic league joins in on the scramble for the North Sea by settling Stralsund. The area’s turning into a proper melting pot - three civs with claims and counting, and ships from all corners of the world. A notable absence is Umhaill, though they do have a settler on the way.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I’ve Never Met This Man In My Life

12: I’ve Never Met This Man In My Life

Back in her cave, Dihya casts three more dashes of powder into the fire. Three more faces appear.

Thousands of miles away, the queen of Pegu and the presidents of Yunnan and Bangladesh all suddenly scream “SAMORI TOURE MUST DIE!” The main result of this is to confuse the shit out of everyone, because no one has any idea who that is. Regardless, if they ever meet the guy, he’s dead.

Amidst all the confusion, Lanfang manages to slip in and capture Muttama. The capital will probably be Bangladesh’s at this point, but at least they’ll have the Gulf of Thailand on lock.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Dripping Off The Meat Grinder

13: Dripping Off The Meat Grinder

Meanwhile in Arabia, Sumerian troops march on Qarnawu and Inabba’. The campaign seems to be running out of steam though, and given the terrain it’s doubtful anything more will happen. Sumer’s unlikely to break through, but Ma’in probably won’t rebound either. Both sides settle down for what’s likely to be a brutal war of attrition.

“I thought you said you’d be back by 7,” says Eannatum’s wife.

“Just another few turns, babe.”

Joining the Minaean high command is Janis Balodis, a Latvian general who actually served as second-in-command to Karlis Ulmanis. We’ll see if his experience will help Ma’in turn this around .

CBR In-Game Screenshot of What I Did On My Holidays

14: What I Did On My Holidays

I’ve heard Seychellois Madagascar is lovely this time of year. Great beaches, no borders, and most importantly far far away from the war-torn mainland. Five stars - would happily visit again.

Off in the distance we can just about see Kalonga Mazula’s last ditch attempt at taking Mankhamba. It won’t go anywhere, but that settler could easily grab another spot along the coast. King France-Albert keeps an eye on it. He could always use another future foothold on the mainland.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wife Guy No Cry

15: Wife Guy No Cry

Sumer’s war with Pakistan is, shockingly, backfiring. Uruk is starting to look in danger. Eannatum expected a rout; he starts panicking.

“This can’t be happening to me - I’m a wife guy! What kind of sick fuck would do this to a wife guy?”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Expedition

16: The Expedition

Things are looking pretty peaceful in the lands of Caral. Enjoying this era of prosperity, the people start looking out into the great blue pacific, and wondering what new possibilities it might hold. A settling party sets sail from Bandurria, heading into the empty lands of Polynesia.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Lesser Antilles? They Don’t Look That Bad to Me

17: Lesser Antilles? They Don’t Look That Bad to Me

The Yanomami, surprised to see the Lesser Antilles up for the taking, send settlers up to colonise them. The Xaragua don’t seem to notice. Seems like they’re busy with something…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Let’s Make Like a Banana and Split

18: Let’s Make Like a Banana and Split

Buoyed by religious fervour, the Anishinaabe turn their focus onto Pomo. Trouble is, they’re getting a bit carried away and just charging in without any target in mind. Splitting your army does not a good invasion make.

19: Saladin Sane

Another familiar face joins the Minaean cause. This time it’s Saladin, of Ayyyyyubid fame. He must be a pretty scary guy, because Sumer immediately sues for peace. I don’t blame Eannatum; he’s got bigger things to worry about.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Madina in Danger

20: Madina in Danger

With the last pockets of Wassoulou resistance around Turunku crushed, the Aures turn their attention to the west. Samori Toure, watching them approach from the walls of Madina, braces for the worst.

And the cold wind blows on.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Look at all those Wallachian chariots hahahaha

21: Look at all those Wallachian chariots hahahaha

Circassia has a hotshot new general in to help in their conquest of Sumer.

“Trust me, I’m the real deal,” says Quintus Fabius Maximus Verrucosus, who gets mad if anyone tries to shorten his name, “I helped defeat Carthage in the second Punic war, you know.”

Ismail Berzeg gives this due consideration. “What on earth is a Carthage?”

“I think I heard the Phoenicians talking about it once,” says one of his advisors.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of For The Love Of The Game

22: For The Love Of The Game

Jacob Morenga does not scream “SAMORI TOURE MUST DIE!”. He hasn’t even been cursed at all. He just really hates the guy. Wassoulou’s too far away for him to do much, and he knows it, but it’s the principle of the thing. In the meantime, he focuses on building back up, the war with Maravi having left his empire rather sparse.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Land of the Deal

23: The Land of the Deal

Tang recently entered the medieval era. It should be a moment of triumph, but the people aren’t happy. That business with the man coming back to life in Ryukyu left everyone on edge. He keeps saying the darnedest things, too.

Japan keeps bulking up, settling Najima in Shandong. It’ll be tricky to defend, but could be a good beachhead for the inevitable war with Tang, when that finally happens.

24: Snap

After years of careful work, the soothsayers of Xaragua have finally unveiled their secret weapon. They claim it can give advice, warn of threats to the kingdom, and above all, can tell the future. They call it the Oracle. Xaragua will languish no longer. The future is bright, and it begins today.

Anacaona steps into the inner sanctum. The chamber is vast and cavern-like, totally cut off from the light of the sun, but she can just about make out a pedestal at the centre. She approaches and sees… a fortune cookie? Puzzled, she picks it up, snaps it, and a slip of parchment flutters out.

“Nothing ever happens.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of North Sea Scramble II: Scramble Harder

25: North Sea Scramble II: Scramble Harder

More and more settlers pour into the North Sea, with Kalmar’s Roskilde being the latest addition. Scotland is leading the race for sure, with at least four on the go. Umhaill’s meanwhile, appears to have run aground off the Hebrides. Not a great look, Grace. That Canadian colony is close to getting cut off, incidentally.

Where is Grace O’Malley, anyway?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Take me to Snurch

26: Take me to Snurch

Standing in his palace at Debre Berhan, Zara Yaqob admires his new robe in the mirror. The cut is excellent, of course, but being Phoenician-made, the real appeal is the colour.

“Tyrian purple, you said? How do they achieve such a rich hue?”

“I believe they use snails, my liege.”

“Snails??”

Disgusted, Zara Yaqob casts off the robe and summons his generals.

“I never want to see the colour purple again,” he growls. “Oh, and if anyone so much as mentions escargot, you’re leading the charge into Nashaq.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Mmmm… Chicken Pizza…

27: Mmmm… Chicken Pizza…

Japan constructs Chichen Itza in the city of Osaka. On a clear day, you can see all the way to Honshu from the top of the Kukulcan; it’s really quite breathtaking. The golden age bonuses can’t hurt either.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Without a Paddle

28: Without a Paddle

A lone Spearman scales the walls of Muttama and opens the gates from the inside. The city is Pegu’s once more!

This would be far more impressive if Hongsawatoi wasn’t currently crumbling under Bangladeshi onslaught. This is a tactical victory for Shin Sawbu yes, but strategically she is still, as they say, up shit creek.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Zenata Riders on the Storm

29: Zenata Riders on the Storm

The Aures begin to siege Madina in earnest. Realising the city is all but lost, Samori Toure makes a hasty retreat back to his capital to prepare his defenses. Meanwhile in the south, Zazzau horsemen are starting to engage the enemy near Kerouane.

Another dash of powder, another knife pointed at Samouri Toure’s back. Dihya is rather getting the hang of this.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Desertion Excursion

30: Desertion Excursion

Togortak did his best to rally his Tarkhans to the cause, but it was too much for some of them. One fled down here to Gujranwala. It’s a border town, newly settled and right on the front in the event of a war, but for the time being it’s peaceful, and much safer than the home country. The lone Tarkhan rides through the hills and gazes up at the Himalayas around him.

31: At The River

Far to the North, Rouran and Itelmen are divvying up the frozen shores of the Arctic.

“Just don’t make me deal with any rivers,” says Harchin, nervously. “No rivers. I hate rivers. They’re where the ravens live. I hate ravens.”

“Your loss, man,” shrugs Yujiulü, settling Dubo and Tutuyshan along the banks of the Anobar.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Something… Happened?

32: Something… Happened?

No sooner has Anacaona read the parchment, a messenger bursts into the room.

“Sire, the Karankawa are invading!”

“Oh god… sorry, what, the Karankawa??”

A fleet of Karankawa triremes gets into formation off the coast of Mamey. Joseph Maria himself paces on the deck of his flagship, overseeing the bombardment. His fists are tightly clenched.

“This time I won’t screw up. This time I won’t screw up. This time I won’t…”

He tries very hard to put any thought of peace deals out of his mind.

33: Shrimptown

“I’m sick of being a chieftain,” says Felipe Camarao. “It lacks a certain je ne se quois. What about…” he snaps his fingers, “Khan? Yeah, I could be Shrimp Khan! I wanna be Khan of the Shrimp Khanate!”“I am NOT calling you Shrimp Khan,” says Apoena.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of An Elephantarch Never Forgets

34: An Elephantarch Never Forgets

Just as Circassia calls off the war with Sumer, a new one breaks out right next door. It’s Bactria this time.

Ever since Phoenicia lost Byblos, their eastern territories have been totally cut off. Demetrius notices this and sees a golden opportunity to expand to the south. He declares war, and the Elephantarchs start marching south into Persia.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Bali Parley (Barely)

35: Bali Parley (Barely)

The Bunuba wars are heating up. The Ternate theatre seems to be stalling, which makes sense given Bunuba’s now fighting on two fronts. New South Wales’ main focus seems to be the city of Gurang Ngadja, on Bali.

Jandamarra reads the latest correspondence from John Macarthur, sighs, and starts writing his response.

“Look mate, no, I’m not letting you have Bali, not after the last time you visited. I’m not spending another Sunday picking up VB tinnies off the beach. Find somewhere else.”

Macarthur isn’t happy. “Why do they need Bali so much anyway? It’s wasted on them. Dumbcunts don’t even know how to party.”

He stops for a second, and a grin slowly spreads across his face.

“Help me get a letter to Luo Fangbo. I’ve got an idea.”

Sitting in his office in the capital, Luo opens the envelope and reads it. “Now there’s an idea,” he murmurs, and gestures to his assistant. “Ganxing, call off that war with New South Wales, will you?”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Samori Toure Deve Morrer!

36: Samori Toure Deve Morrer!

The fire burns low, painting the cave in shades of black and dull red. Dihya sits very still in the darkness. You might almost think she’s asleep, but no, she is merely deep in thought. With careful deliberation, she draws one more pinch of powder from her bag. A slow smile spreads across her face. The last few were mere practice. This is the one that really counts.

Another face appears in the fire. It’s Joao’s.

The people of Odienne and Ad Medias are caught completely off guard when they suddenly find themselves under attack. Portuguese soldiers are marching in from Leira. Samori grimaces when he hears the news. It’s official - Wassoulou is at war with every single one of its neighbours.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of This is the Place

37: This is the Place

After years of wandering, the lost band of Pegu have finally settled down.

“I know it might look like a desolate expanse of snow and ice,” says Jhan, their leader. “I know a polar bear ate Htaw the other day but… there’s just something about it. I think this might be the place. Maybe here,” he gestures at the frostbitten landscape, “we can build paradise.”

The village is named Mat Maluim. It’s not an easy life, but in their own way, the people are happy. They have no idea that far to the south, their countrymen are being slaughtered.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of That’s gotta be a typo, right?

38: That’s gotta be a typo, right?

Hanseatic Triremes smash into the walls of Tren In. The people of the League remember the sack of Rostock, and they demand vengeance. Rakvere was merely a pittance. Jurgen Wullenweaver is out for blood.

39: Interrogation

In the woods near Chineshisheliu, an argument is breaking out.

“You! You’re not a raven, are you?” asks one of the spearmen, suspiciously.

“Who, me?” says the Tlingit scout, backing away

“I dunno, Javatche, she’s got a pretty raven-y face.” says the other. He lowers his spear.

The scout turns and runs, heading for Avacha. The spearmen, struggling not to trip over their spears, make chase. “She’s a gods-damned raven, and I know it! Don’t let her get away!”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Evil Intimidating Horse

40: Evil Intimidating Horse

The Japanese-born admiral Katsu Kaishu is seeing to the shipbuilding progress in Dimalurru when he hears shouting from the soldiers on the walls. A great rumbling sound fills the air and the sky is blotted out by a cloud of dust. He rushes to the battlements and looks out into the Outback. Horsemen, hundreds of them. It’s the Rum Rebellion - no, the Rum Battalion!

Far behind the battle lines, Macarthur paces his stables, bottle in hand and swaying slightly. “Horses! I like horses… we need more horses!” he slurs, and takes another swig.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Polynesian Potential

41: Polynesian Potential

The expedition continues on across the Pacific, missionaries in tow. “All this land, ripe for the taking,” says one of the captains. “We’ll have to send word about this. Think of the possibilities.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of #Pontiac-Pomo-Peace

42: #Pontiac-Pomo-Peace

Pontiac makes peace with the Pomo, realising he isn’t really getting anywhere.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Lemme Just Squeeeeze on Past Ya

43: Lemme Just Squeeeeze on Past Ya

Space is running low in Siberia, but Qara Khitai manages to squeeze in the twin cities of Illiq and Yarkhand in the northern mountains.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Things I’ve Seen…

44: The Things I’ve Seen…

A few Japanese ships hover in the straits leading into Nanzan. The sailors shudder and mutter prayers, knowing who dwells within the accursed city.

Sho Shin staggers through the streets, glassy eyed and raving. “Those Itelmen… they aren’t settling the rivers,” he growls, “why aren’t they settling the rivers?”

45: Smaures

Madina falls, as expected. The Aures now have a clear shot at the Wassoulou capital. They start gearing up for a final push. Meanwhile in the north, Portuguese ships start attacking Ad Medias. Zazzau’s advances in the south don’t seem to be going anywhere though.

Dihya adds another log to the fire and settles back. “And now, we wait,” she says, to no one in particular. She fights the urge to start toasting marshmallows.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of All Falls Down

46: All Falls Down

Muttama falls to Lanfang for the second, and likely final time. Hongsawatoi, meanwhile, is on the brink of capture. Bangladesh has the city surrounded on all sides, and the defenders are quickly running out of able bodied men to man the battlements.

Shin Sawbu quietly slips out of the city in a little boat, and sails up the river to Dagon. The capital will fall within the day. Time’s running out for Pegu.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Stark Raven Mad

47: Stark Raven Mad

The two spearmen are almost to Avacha when their path is cut off by a man on horseback. It’s Yurii Hlushko. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He looks pretty pissed off.

They shuffle their feet awkwardly. “Uhhh, well there was this woman…” says one. “She was a raven woman,” mumbles the other. “Can’t be having ravens, mister. Got to kill her, like.”

Yurii kneads his brow before finally snapping. “I’m so goddamn sick of you lot!” he growls. The spearmen back away, anxiously. “You never shut up about rivers and ravens. And now, you have the audacity to barge in here looking to kill people? Well, if that’s what you’re looking for, so be it.” He unbuckles the war horn from his belt.

Soldiers pick up their weapons and start marching north. Green Ukraine is at war with Itelmen again.

From the safety of the woods, the scout looks on, smiling slightly. All according to plan…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Do they give out DUIs for horse riding? I never actually thought about that

48: Do they give out DUIs for horse riding? I never actually thought about that

Jandamarra suddenly finds himself on the back foot, with Ternate suddenly conjuring up a counterattack and moving on Galela. New South Wales is also gradually chipping away at the defenses of Gurang Ngadja.

The Rum Batallion, however, has been a resounding failure. The riders keep getting lost and falling off their horses. “Guess too much rum can be a bad thing. Who’d’ve thought?” says Macarthur. “Next time we oughta try whiskey.”

49: Hawaii Pom-o

Now that the war’s over, Essie Parrish desperately needs some R&R. She decides to construct a second resort in Hawaii, on the Big Island this time. She’s even considering a third one by the look of that settler.

I wonder where that fleet of Japanese ships is heading.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of She Let Me Hit Cuz I’m Newfie

50: She Let Me Hit Cuz I’m Newfie

The first of two northbound Karankawa settlers stakes out a claim on Newfoundland. In the corner you can juuust about see that Tlingit settler, still headed eastwards.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Capital Punishment

51: Capital Punishment

Hongsawatoi falls. It’s almost a wonder it lasted this long. The Kingdom of Pegu is now reduced to the lands around Dagon, a meagre prize for whoever decides it’s worth the effort of taking. Yunnan eyes up the remains of their old rival, thoughtfully.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Baltic Breaktime

52: Baltic Breaktime

Estonia seems to have weathered the first wave of attackers. Taking advantage of the respite, Lennart Meri hastily sends out peace offerings to his more distant enemies.

Yeah, I see that on the sidebar, we’ll get to it soon.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Flat Fuck Friday

53: Flat Fuck Friday

That horizontal purple line on the map isn’t actually the equator, it’s Luba. Ilunga Sungu heard about the concept of going wide and didn’t quite get it. He’s done a pretty good job of committing to it though, now perfectly splitting Africa in two.

The one outlier is the city of Kabongo, sitting rather too far south to truly be part of the line. Clearly these people are not truly committed to the horizontal cause, and have been consequently shunned by the rest of the Luba.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Another Snail in the Coffin

54: Another Snail in the Coffin

Ethiopia’s war against Phoenicia is going at a snail’s pace, no pun intended. The defenders of Nashaq have the Ethiopians held back in the mountain passes, and a steady stream of biremes keep the city supplied from the sea.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of You Have Bought Yourself a Boat

55: You Have Bought Yourself a Boat

In a twist no one expected, the main theatre of the new Itelmen-Grukraine war is at sea. Grukrainian ships have Tarein on northern Honshu completely surrounded, and are preparing to fully take it. Seems unlikely the Itelmen will be able to retake it, but they should be able to hold off Grukraine in the straits. Malka and Utkholok will be safe for now.

A Japanese settler tries to snake his way through the battle on the way south. “Sorry… ‘scuse me… coming through…” The North is getting too crazy these days. He’s going back to the capital.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Echoes of MacGregor

56: Echoes of MacGregor

Old Sheehays looks around the newly settled outpost of Tesinigh.

“What did you say they called this place?”

“Florida, milord.”

“Florida huh.” Sheehays looks thoughtful. “Can’t say I remember hearing that name before. And yet.. I feel it awakening something in me.”

57: (X) Doubt

The battle rages on outside Mamey. The Karankawa engage the Xaraguan fleet to the north, while in the south Teotihuacano ships take a pass at the city itself. Yanomami is there for moral support.

Back in Yaguana, Anacaona keeps glaring at the slip of parchment in her hands. “‘Nothing ever happens’ my ass,” she mutters.

58: Lmao

France has appointed Rommel as one of their generals. Did I mention Ronald Reagan’s gonna be running for the Democratic nomination too? Strange world we live in.

Meanwhile up north, Umhaill continues to reinforce their continental holdings, settling Bunowen in Normandy. The region’s been at peace for a while now. Maybe too long. The armies are getting restless. Everyone holds their breath waiting for it all to boil over.

59: Ebb and Flow

Samori Toure makes a daring push down the Niger and retakes Madina. Portugal is still causing problems up north, but Zazzau’s invasion seems to have petered out.

Amina herself is starting to have second thoughts. “Why did I declare this war, again? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate that guy, but… I don’t know, something doesn’t feel right.” She doesn’t stop fighting, though.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Everybody Hates Sho Shin

60: Everybody Hates Sho Shin

A sort of anti-zombie coalition has been forming against Sho Shin. Antizo, if you will. “He’s a freak of nature,” says the captain of the Teotihuacano ship currently bombarding Nanzan. “All that stuff he’s saying about a room with 63 chairs. It can’t be right, can it? You can get in real trouble saying things like that.”

Erich Maria Remarque pens his new novel, ‘All Quiet on the Ryuku Front’. This prompts Humabon to go “Umm actually it was quite loud,” and then declare war again for the hell of it. He then realises he forgot to send any units.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Boar and the Unicorn

61: The Boar and the Unicorn

“We can’t keep doing this,” whispers Mary. “What if someone finds out?”

Grace looks up at her and smirks. “Fuck ‘em,” she says.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Tarein Me Apart

62: Tarein Me Apart

Tarein falls, and the naval battle between Grukraine and Itelmen begins in earnest. A Tlingit ship sits at anchor safely out of harm’s way, watching, raven banners flapping in the breeze.

63: Pole Position

Sheiyksh and Essie Parrish might hate each other’s guts, but the same doesn’t always hold true for the people. Here we see a Tlingit and a Pomo artisan working together on a compound of totem poles on the border - a rare show of unity in a land so heavily divided.

People from as far away as Caral and Yanomami have come to see the exhibit. That’s up until some Tlingit officials rock up on the shore in boats. “You better knock that off,” they say. “There’ll be no art made with those barbarians.” The Tlingit artisan is taken away.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Signed and Sealed

64: Signed and Sealed

Months of grueling warfare have finally paid off. Gurang Ngadja is New South Wales’.

John Macarthur jumps off the boat and wades ashore through the surf, keg under his arm. “I beg you to be careful, my liege,” says the captain of the ship, ducking to dodge a Bunuban arrow. “The enemy is still in the area.”

“Oh fuck that,” screams Macarthur, “Let’s go party, lads!”

Ternate’s fully turned things around in the north, now threatening to retake both their lost cities. Jandamarra is torn in two directions, not wanting to lose his Indonesian holdings but also wanting to preserve his new gains.

Sitting in his office in Dongwanli, Luo Fangbo signs off another document. “That one’s for Pegu,” he says to his assistant, Ganxing. “Make a few copies, will you, we’ve got a few places to send it.”

Ganxing hurries off, and Fangbo leans back in his chair. “Mat Maluim… Mat Maluim… where even is that anyway?”

65: Paradise Lost

The villagers of Mat Maluim are getting ready for another day of fishing when a strange man rides into the village. He identifies himself as Ganxing, a company representative of the Lanfang Kongsi, and that he bears news of the recent treaty signed by Shin Sawbu, a name the villagers barely remember. He presents a writ to Jhan, who reads it aloud.

“Under the terms of the recent treaty, all colonial possessions of the Kingdom of Pegu are to be ceded to the Lanfang Kongsi. Current inhabitants are henceforth asked to vacate their property within three to five business days.” He grimaces and looks around at his people. “Paradise is lost.”

As the former residents begin to tearfully load up their boats and sail away, Ganxing looks around and sneers. “Wait, this is what we signed for? This shithole? What a fucking ripoff. God damn.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of No Snurch, Just Church

66: No Snurch, Just Church

Ethiopia’s capital may be small, but its architecture is some of the finest in the world. They’ve just unveiled what I believe is their first Monolithic Church. Offers a few bonuses for faith, production and great works of writing. Given they need hills to be built, you can expect to see a lot more of these.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Youres? No, Oures

67: Youres? No, Oures

Just as Joao’s warships are about to enter Ad Medias, he notices a new flag hoisted above the city. Or rather, an old one, because Aures have just snuck in and retaken the city.

Madina falls back to Aures again, and the front is back to the capital. Samouri Toure’s desk is swamped with apology letters, the latest being from someone called ‘Yujiulü Mugulü’ from a place called Rouran.

“Hey man, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for, like telling everyone I wanted you dead. That really wasn’t cool of me, man. Cuz like, I don’t even really know who you are, man.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Abject Snailure

68: Abject Snailure

Ethiopia still hasn’t made any headway against Nashaq, barely managing the chip the stonework on the walls. Hyksos is actually looking pretty dangerous here, at par with Ethiopia, even.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Greenland Up For Grabs

69: Greenland Up For Grabs

The Tlingit settler had heard the stories but hadn’t believed them. “So there’s this place called Greenland.” they’d said, “and it’s one long coastline, totally uncontested, ripe for the taking.”

Now here she stands, with the eastern coast stretching out on either side of her. This seems as good a spot as any. “They’re gonna love this back in Kaachxanáak'w,” she thinks.

And so the first settlement on Greenland isn’t Scottish, or Umhaill, or even Onondagan, but Tlingit.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Those Ages Do Be Golden

70: Those Ages Do Be Golden

The second part of Hideyoshi’s plan is finally complete, with his unveiling of the Temple of Heaven in Kyoto. The wonder provides extra food and faith during golden ages, which crucially synergises perfectly with Chichen Itza’s length buff to them. Hideyoshi doesn’t have much use for faith - he’s not particularly devout - but the food will be very useful indeed.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Lanfang From The Top Rope!

71: Lanfang From The Top Rope!

Lanfang declares war on Bunuba! That chain of paperwork started so long ago by Macarthur’s letter has finally come to fruition. The ships attempting to retake Gurang Ngadja suddenly find themselves on the front line of a new and potentially terrifying war.

Macarthur, meanwhile, is out on a pleasure cruise. It’s foggy, so he can’t see a thing until the boat shakes beneath him with a loud crunch, and comes to a halt.

He rubs his head. “Aw jesus, what did we hit?”

The first mate squints out at the buildings around them. “Dodinga, I think,” he says.

“Gosh,” Macarthur looks bemused. “Wasn’t my intention but I’ll take it.”

A carrier pigeon lands on the rail next to him. The first mate unstraps the message and reads it. “It’s from Luo Fangbo,” he says. “He’s taken up your offer of war with Bunuba.”

“You’re joking, really? Honestly, I totally forgot I did that.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Love Don’t Live Here No More

72: Love Don’t Live Here No More

Just as Sarepta starts falling to Bactria in the North, Pakistan takes Uruk in the south. Things really aren’t looking good for Sumer

Eannatum rushes after his wife, “Inanna, baby, wait, it’s not as bad as it looks. I can still fix this”

She scoffs. “I knew I should’ve married the quarterback.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Dagon’s Da-gone

73: Dagon’s Da-gone

Shin Sawbu makes her last stand at Dagon. She knows it won’t be long now. Even if there were any reinforcements, they wouldn’t be able to reach her. The city is besieged from both ends of the valley. There’s nothing she can do.

74: Tarkhan’t

The Tarkhans are still, against all odds, holding back the Ket. Their ranks are starting to thin a bit, though - only one of the original Tarkhans remains in Kara. The Ket’s army, meanwhile, is bigger than ever.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Pinoys Vs Zombies

75: Pinoys Vs Zombies

Humabon did in fact manage to scrape a fleet together in the end, and now has Nanzan under siege.

Sho shin stands alone on the docks, face grey, arms wide. “Humabon! Brother! You needn’t do this! We have so much to discuss! Have I not told you of endgame-”

His monologue is cut off by a boulder straight to the chest. He goes flying across the harbour, crashing intp a wall and leaving a dent in the brickwork. He slowly gets up, sighs, and lurches off, but not before stopping to pick up his detached arm. “Can’t be forgetting that,” he mumbles.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Cry Me a River

76: Cry Me a River

Green Ukraine finally makes their way through the mountains and starts besieging the Itelmen outposts on the Arctic Shore.

Yujiulü Mugulü watches on. “I told him he shoulda settled those rivers, man,” he says. “Gotta settle those rivers. But did he listen? No.” He shakes his head.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Settler I Hardly Knew Er

77: Settler I Hardly Knew Er

After beating Tlingit at war, the Anishinaabe are beating them at settling too, founding Onigamiinsing in the north of Hudson Bay. This has the added effect of nearly totally cutting the Tlingit off from moving eastward. Another settler in northern Quebec looks to further strengthen their hold on the bay. Pontiac might have to be careful, though. Onondaga have a pretty sizeable force in the area.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Connecting the Dots

78: Connecting the Dots

As Portuguese ships make their way down the coast, the first outriders of the Aures army arrive outside Bissandugu. The siege has begun.

Samori Toure is still puzzling over all the letters. “All these apologies. For what? Who accidentally declares war on someone like that? I’d get it if it was just one, but this many?” He looks at the official declarations again. “And these from all over the world, and yet the phrasing is so similar. Something’s definitely wrong here.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I suppose it’s more of a sideways cross now

79: I suppose it’s more of a sideways cross now

For centuries, central Africa was a no man’s land. Nomadic settlers wandered the lands, never stopping anywhere for long. That was up until now, of course. A group of Luba called the Kitabi have suddenly decided they want to stay put, and founded a city of the same name.

“You dare break from the line?” says Illunga Sungu, outraged. “You may fly our flag, but you will never be true Luba. Get out of my sight!”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Frank Nzappa - Hot Zaps

80: Frank Nzappa - Hot Zaps

Patrolling the lands outside Kitabi is a pair of Nzappa Zaps, a kind of Luba swordsman that specializes in capturing cities without resistance and inspiring artists. Despite this, Illunga has them on much more mundane duty, which is keeping an eye on the errant city. “Don’t let them forget they aren’t a part of the line,” he tells them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Sarepta Interceptor

81: Sarepta Interceptor

Sarepta starts crumbling under Bactrian onslaught. Ethiopia, take notes. This is how you invade Phoenicia.

82: Homecoming

Jandamarra leads a charge south towards Jijidu, surprised to find the city so lightly defended. The New South Wales invasion force seems to have largely collapsed in fact. As for John Macarthur, he’s nowhere to be seen.

“Some of you are from Jijidu, right?” he asks his cavalrymen. “I didn’t want to promise this until it was possible, but this might be our best chance yet. Men of Jijidu, you’re going home!” Cheering, they all ride off towards the city that was once theirs. They start to dare to hope it might be theirs again.

83: I Ship It

Mærsk Mc-Kinney Møller is in the midst of negotiating a charter for his shipping company in Edinburgh when he has a thought. “Has anyone seen Mary?” he asks. “No one’s seen her for nearly a week now,” says the charter officer.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Would You Look at the Time

84: Would You Look at the Time

The Karankawa are scattered to the winds, and the last few Teotihuacano ships are sailing low in the water, punched full of holes by Mamey’s defenses. They won’t pose the city any danger now. It’s all they can do to not sink.

It looked rough for a while there, but thanks to the bravery and fortitude of the Xaraguan people, nothing ever happened.

Back in Yaguana, Anacaona stares at the fortune, a mix of relief and disappointment on her face. “I don’t know what I expected, honestly, but I suppose I should be grateful,” She smacks her lips. “Mm.. can someone fetch me another of those cookies?”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of If I Was Essie Parrish I’d Start Worrying Right Now…

85: If I Was Essie Parrish I’d Start Worrying Right Now…

Sitting aboard a Trireme outside the Tlingit capital, Adam Smith pens ‘Wealth of Nations’.

“Wealth of Nations, you say?” says Sheiyksh, “which nations?” He turns his gaze towards Pomo, thoughtfully.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of 20th Century Chinese Warlords Vs Zombies

86: 20th Century Chinese Warlords Vs Zombies

Cebu’s had enough of taking potshots at Nanzan, but fortunately Long Yun’s here to take over

“Can I have a go?” he asks, sailing into the strait.

“Be my guest,” says Humabon.

87: Revelation

Ad Medias is under attack again. Will Wassoulou flip it again?

Meanwhile back in Bissandugu, a new commander joins the cause, one Ettore Fieramosca. Originally from the Papal States, he’s fought for armies all over the world.

“So you were talking about all this weird stuff with the wars and apologies?” asks Ettore. “I heard about something out east, actually. Bunch of leaders suddenly screaming that they wanted to kill you. Very strange.”

“Yeah that’s the really strange part. It’s the same story everywhere. It just doesn’t make sense.”

“Could be magic, I suppose,”

“Could it now…”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Dark Night of the Soul

88: Dark Night of the Soul

Ships fill the horizon outside the Bunuba port of Mindi Rardi. Hundreds of them. The word fleet doesn’t do it justice - it’s an armada.

The sky over Gurang Ngadja is bruised purple and orange as the sun dips below the horizon. John Macarthur sits on the beach, listlessly watching the Kongsi troops coming ashore. One of them starts rolling the kegs away onto one of the ships. In the fading light, the Lanfang banner rises above the promenade.

“It’s just not any fun anymore,” he mutters and tries to take a swig from his bottle. It’s empty. He groans.

The vanguard of the Lanfang Armada sets sail from the harbour and heads for the mainland; off into the night. Bleary eyed, Macarthur watches them go.

“God… I just wanted to get one up on you, mate. I didn’t want this.” He falls back into the sand, head in his hands. “Jandamarra I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Would you look at that sidebar…

89: Would you look at that sidebar…

The Onondaga prophet Ezekiel travels westward into Ponca lands, looking to spread the good word of Midewiwin.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of North Sea Scramble III: The Revenge of the Scot

90: North Sea Scramble III: The Revenge of the Scot

More Scottish settlements are popping up across the North Sea - the latest is Arbroath in northern Iceland. Another party is headed further westward, towards Greenland. The Tlingit watch them approach, warily.

The Umhaill settler is still run aground on the Hebrides. A crew of workmen has just arrived to try and dig the ship out of the sand. “How the feck did you manage this?” asks the foreman. The settler shrugs.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of State Mandated Ravens

91: State Mandated Ravens

Chakazhuzh falls to Green Ukraine, with Kyllush set to follow. In one final fit of pique, Yurii Hlushko mandates the city convert to Sgáanaang, the Tlingit religion.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Shut Up and Take My Salem

92: Shut Up and Take My Salem

Qara Khitai advances towards the Mysore city of Salem, Yelü Dashi at their head. The men roar and clash their weapons, hungry for bloodlust. Dashi reaches the foot of the walls, cups his hands to his mouth and calls out, “Tipu Sultan! We have you outnumbered. Surrender Salem to us now or face imminent destruction!”

“Yeah, go ahead, it’s yours,” says Tipu Sultan from the top of the walls. He tosses down the keys to the city. “I wasn’t really using it anyway.”

Yelü Dashi stands there as Tipu’s retinue vacates the city and starts the journey back across the Tarim. He stares at the keys, then back at his army, and sighs. Nobody likes an anticlimax.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Unstoppable Might of Tang Vs Zombies

93: The Unstoppable Might of Tang Vs Zombies

Yes, as you doubtless noticed, Taizong’s finally going in for the kill. “That… thing had better stay dead this time,” he growls. The first Tang soldiers start arriving outside Nanzan.

Long Yun throws in the towel. “Yeah I can’t really compete with that, can I.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Sight for Mysore Eyes

94: A Sight for Mysore Eyes

Tipu Sultan arrives in Mysore finding it more or less how he left it. That is to say, it’s crazy crowded. They ran out of city spots a while ago so the land is absolutely rammed out of work settlers. I think I might be able to see a spot north of Calicut, but if there is, the settlers haven’t found it yet.

Tipu also makes peace with Taizong, but apparently decides not to give away Karwar.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Tarein Turnaround

95: Tarein Turnaround

Mustering together all their naval might, the Itelmen have stormed back into Tarein. What seemed like an easy grab for Green Ukraine is now looking a lot more contested.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Some of y’all are gonna be extremely normal about this

96: Some of y’all are gonna be extremely normal about this

It’s here! It’s happening! It’s a thing! It’s Pomo vs Tlingit and Teotihuacan! Fetch your popcorn, folks - this is gonna be big.

Our first look at the war is the Tlingit-Pomo front. Pomo’s army is a bit sparse, and very spread out. Tlingit’s meanwhile is much more concentrated in the north. Looks like their plan is to sweep down through Pomo’s great plains territories into the Rockies. It helps that they finally made peace with Pontiac, so they can really focus on conquest. Closer to their core, most of their force is naval. Given most of Pomo’s cities are inland, Tlingit might struggle to do much in that theatre.

Outside Behe’pal, the totem poles, once a symbol of unity between the two peoples, have been taken down and replaced by a mundane lumber camp.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Y’all got any Nan Madol puns I got nothing

97: Y’all got any Nan Madol puns I got nothing

After weeks out of sight, Mary, Warlady of Scots finally reappears. She arrives back in Edinburgh to officiate the opening of Nan Madol, an extension to the city built on artificial islands in the Firth of Forth. The project is forecast to massively increase the productivity of the seas near the capital (that’s +1 to gold, food and production for you stats nerds).

“Is there anyone you’d like to dedicate this to, my lady?” asks Mærsk. Mary smiles slightly wistfully, but says nothing.

98: Dragon What?

Up in the northern fringes of Europe, Hárekr I is crowned first king of the Bjarmians. He insists that everyone call him the Dragon King. Absolutely no one does.

Bjarmia’s war with Estonia has stalled out. Their Ashen slayers keep getting stuck in bogs.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Look you try coming up with 109 witty slide titles

99: Look you try coming up with 109 witty slide titles

Space is running out everywhere, even in the Sahara. Aures settlers scramble for one of the last available spots, but Hyksos beats them to it. They squeeze Maketi in south of Meskiana. As far as cities go, it’ll fall the second Aures so much as sneezes.

100: Boned-nuba

The first ships of the Lanfang Armada are starting to arrive off the coast of Bunuba. More and more pass through the straits every day, some heading east to Yaranggi, others southward. Mindi Rardi has fallen, and Galela looks soon to follow. Bunuba’s about to get completely kicked out of Indonesia, and that’s the least of their worries.

“They’re gonna destroy him,” mumbles John Macarthur. He’s still on the beach, sand caked into his hair. “I mean, I hated him… kinda… but he didn’t deserve this.”

Luo Fangbo claps him on the shoulder. “Oh cheer up. Don’t forget, John, you did ask for this.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Don’t Tread on Me

101: Don’t Tread on Me

Zara Yaqob is having a revelation. “You know what I hate even more than snails? Snakes!” He promptly orders his generals to declare war on Ma’in. He somehow convinces Mysore to join in too.

If this goes anywhere I’d be genuinely shocked.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Out Of The Bangladesh Into The Yunnan

102: Out Of The Bangladesh Into The Yunnan

Sheik Muhabar Rahman, realising the diplomatic penalties of killing Pegu outweigh the benefits, decides to sue for peace.

Shin Sawbu is just about to let herself breathe for the first time in countless days, when a party of soldiers comes down from the pass outside the city. Long Yun is at their head. “You thought it was over, didn’t you,” he grins, and throws down the gauntlet.

Pegu’s troubles aren’t over yet.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Little Tete a Tete

103: A Little Tete a Tete

Jacob Morenga is bored. It’s been a while since the war with Maravi; why not get ready for round two? He puts down a citadel between the cities Tete and Sena, splitting the Maravi in two. It’ll make a good launching point for when he comes in to finally finish them off.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Now That’s a Proper Line

104: Now That’s a Proper Line

What started out as a simple expedition has turned into a traffic jam. A chain of Caral boats stretches all across Polynesia. Some people say you can walk from the Galapagos to Samoa without getting your feet wet.

105: Rapa Who-i?

Hotu Matu’a doesn’t care. All that business with wars and settlers and trying to “win the game”. It’s so gauche.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Essie Escalation

106: Essie Escalation

Things heat up even more in the Great Pomo War. Essie Parrish drags Teotihuacano’s vassal state Karankawa into the war. It’s unclear why. Maybe she’s hoping the two will trip over each other trying to get through the mountains. Regardless, Pomo should have a much easier time defending on this front. However, they are still fighting on two fronts, which is always risky.

Essie Parrish watches her troops hunker down in the foothills, when a thought occurs to her. “Perhaps it’s time to call in an old favour,” she wonders.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of World War Pomo

107: World War Pomo

And that old favour was from Old Sheehays! With a great cry, the Susquehannock join in the fight on the side of Pomo. Karankawa now find themselves fighting on two fronts, and this new one is wide open. Susquehannock troops are already on the way to Coapite.

What started off as a regular border conflict is turning into a continental-sized war. Already the teams are taking shape. On one side, Tlingit, Teotihuacan and Karankawa. On the other, Pomo, Susquehannock, Ponca and Xaragua. Will the big guys roll over the little guys, or will the underdogs triumph against the odds?

Whatever happens, things will never be the same again.

108: Counterspell

Wassoulou, against all the odds, Wassoulou is starting to hold their ground. The battle for Ad Medias is raging on, while outside the capital, the Aures Host is starting to dwindle. They’re not out of the woods yet, but the people are starting to hope.

Samouri Toure strides through the ruined countryside outside Bissandugu. “Black magic!” he says. “It all makes sense now. She’s a sorceress! To think I scoffed at those rumours. All those attackers - she must have put a spell on them. It’s unbelievable.”

He turns to look up at the sky. “Dihya! “Wherever you are…” he shakes his fist. “Cheat all you want, witch, but you’ll never grind us down!”

Dihya watches him in the flames of her fire, and frowns. It had all been going so well up until then. Perhaps even sorcery has its limits. But nevermind, magic or no magic, there’s still a war to be fought out there.

With a sigh, she puts out the fire, and steps out into the light.

109: Deadshot

The newly formed Republic of Teotihuacan is gearing up for war.

It’s a beautiful day in the capital; the sun’s shining and a gentle breeze blows through the trees. They’re throwing a full dress military parade to send the troops off in style. President Spearthrower Owl watches the festivities from the top of his Pyramid.

“Funny thing, war,” he muses. “All these different peoples and cultures, kings and queens, we couldn’t be more different. And yet, the one thing we can really find common ground on is beating the shit out of each other.” And with that, he looks straight at the camera and grins. “What is this, some kind of Civilization Battle Royale?”

Roll credits. See y’all next week.

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