Episode 11: Band wagons, drug wars, and an end to abominations. – S5

Release Date:

March 31, 2026

Narrated by:

PlatonofGlaucon4

Abstract

This episode features some pretty tasty action, as well as an enormous amount of irrelevant war declarations. Get comfy, and prepare to separate the wheat from the chaff, in more ways than one.

Viewing: Vertical

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Back once again for the renegade master

1 / 0

1: Back once again for the renegade master

Hi folks, PlatonofGlaucon4 here. I’m thrilled to be able to bring you another action-packed episode of CBRX. Before we begin the festivities I’d like to apologise for the lack of Vampire Diaries lately. Vlad hasn’t given me much to work with so far, and while I like the idea of Wallachia remaining a time capsule, stagnant in progress, as we so often see in vampire lore it hasn’t been conducive to OC.Let’s hope this episode brings some plot advancement for Vlad, and all of our favourite despots.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wars engulffing North America? This better not portend anything.

2: Wars engulffing North America? This better not portend anything.

It was tough picking OC this week as there have been so many awesome offerings. Thanks to everyone who contributed.First up I’d be remiss if I didn’t highlight OrangeChirssy’s Church of the Cylinder 10: The North American Thunderdome.North America is by far one of the most entertaining theatres in this edition, and the characterisation of our various contenders is on point.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Europeans, know your limits!

3: Europeans, know your limits!

Second we have JDT1706’s Know Your Europeans! Meme. I’m a sucker for a meme, and for Calvin and Hobbes, so apologies to anyone who drew something totally original, this one just got me in the comfort zone.

4: I am once again asking..

As usual, thanks to everyone with the disposable income and generosity to keep this project running. It’s a great undertaking that I’m proud to be a part of, so in the immortal words of Bob Geldof: For God’s sake, just give us your f’in money.

5: Wass down!

I came into this season firmly behind Wassolou, I have a soft spot for West African civs, don’t ask me why. They played hard early, and had a chance of being a regional power for a hot minute. Then things went wrong. Aures moved into the area and did everything that they did, but better. It’s pretty clear at this point that Wass will never recover their fleeting former glory. Their slide in the rankings this week is deserved, and reflective of their newly rumped status. So now without further ado…

6: A desert rose

Muhammad Ali Jinnah smiles as he reads the note he has been handed by the returning scout. Uruk has fallen. That had never been in doubt. His smile is inspired by the waft of perfume from the parchment. Jasmine and rose delight and overwhelm his olfactory senses as he reads the words..“My dearest Mu-mu, I long for your touch. Do not keep me waiting any more. You must march to Lagash this second, where I await your sweet words, and warm body. Moreover my husband yearns for me to regale him with tales of your prowess as a lover. Lady Innana, Hotwife to Eannatum xxx”Elsewhere Ma’In recruits Great General Janis Balodis, who served under Karlis Ulmanis. His tenure under a more successful leader pays dividends as Ma’In strikes an embarrassing blow to Ethiopia, making land in Africa, and engaging in skirmishes with what should be an attacking force.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Some call me the gangster of love. Some call me Maurice.

7: Some call me the gangster of love. Some call me Maurice.

Speaking of effective generaling the Kipchaks have recruited Maurice of Nassau, son of William the Silent, to marshal their defensive forces. He has managed to use his expert knowledge of laying sieges to organise an effective resistance. Under threat of the newly innovated volley fire that Maurice favours, Ket forces seem reluctant to cross the border, or move at all for that matter. A Ket commander surveys his camp, all around men are lying on the floor, some drooling, others muttering maniacally as they twitch on the ground. He pokes one man gently with a spear. He seems not to notice, as he continues to grab at something unseeable floating above him.“K-holing,” sighs the commander “every single bloody one of them.”Despite this miraculous defence the Kipchak core looks very empty, and an attack by Vyatka, Qara-Khitai, or even Bactria could cause them some serious issues.Mysore DoW the Kipchaks, but barring some serious open borders treaties this is an irrelevance.

8: Ad Medias

In West Africa this year’s Portugal augment their reputation as least lazy yet by capturing a city. Ad Medias is once again a source of border gore as Wassoulou is once again bifurcated. A couple more flips look likely here before all is said and done, but I think Wassoulou may stand in the end. It seems they have weathered the storm, as the torrents of Portuguese, and especially Aures units slow to a trickle.In non-regional news Rapa Nui declares war on Pegu in a desperate attempt to not be ranked last in the next power rankings. I’m not holding my breath.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Haters gonna hate

9: Haters gonna hate

I’m not going to sugar coat this, I don’t like Rapa Nui. They were fun for about an episode, maybe two at a push. Here we see them continue to refuse to play the game. They’ve recruited Haile Selassie as a great prophet. My working theory; they’ve gotten into Scythia’s stash, converted to Rastafarianism and think that this will somehow help them achieve enlightenment. Haile Selassie wishes he’d been born anywhere else so that he might have experienced the wonders of the cylinder. Instead he sits in Anakena praying that something, anything, may one day happen to alleviate his boredom.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Zombie apocalypse

10: Zombie apocalypse

It’s pretty much all over for Ryukyu at this point. Tang have them surroundedLet’s take a second to appreciate the big brain on Cebu here. Tang have been baited into purging the zombie menace from the world, and in doing so eating a massive war monger penalty. Theoretically this should take the heat off Cebu for a while, allow them to consolidate their new holdings, and potentially draw their nearest competitors into a war against the regional power. This would leave Cebu in prime position to capitalise with one of their famous hit and run incursions whilst their neighbours are distracted.Mary calls out Togortak for a square go. All aboard the bandwagon, I guess.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Why can’t we be friends?

11: Why can’t we be friends?

The Pomo city of Shanel is in a bad way. Essie Parrish can’t even hope for the classic split force AI attack to save them here, as their northern city stands directly between the bulk of the Tlingit forces and their southern target of Ka’Tuuli. The Tlingit military looks terrifying, massive and with a good mix of units, Essie’s best bet here is to sue for peace as soon as possible.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Foreshadowing is a narrative device…

12: Foreshadowing is a narrative device…

Peace is made between the Ket and the Kipchaks, who were ostensibly winning the war given the final formation of the battle lines we see here. The price of peace was probably high though and it’s very possible Togortak’s economy will be crippled for the short term. Not an enviable position to be in with such a large Vyatkan army waiting in the wings.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Slaps the difficult terrain of the great lakes region. This baby can grind up a lot of Onondagan troops.

13: Slaps the difficult terrain of the great lakes region. This baby can grind up a lot of Onondagan troops.

As pointedly ignored in the previous slide Tadodaho has declared war on Pontiac. There are two initial theaters here, one in the north around Penewobecong, which has already taken a little damage. In the south Onondagan troops will have to fight their way up the shores of lake Michigan if they want to approach Moningwanekaaning.Ashinaabe’s Hudson strait, and James Bay colonies haven’t come under immediate siege, but they are dangerously isolated. If Tadodaho commits to this front these cities should be easy pickings. Onondaga don’t have a UU to help them out here, but they do gain a flat bonus to combat XP, which is increased, and gains a strength buff, if they are fighting in hills. Unfortunately there are no strategically placed hills for them to exploit this bigger advantage.With a couple of pretty hefty choke points it will be interesting to see if Onondagan troops can make headway or if this will become a grinding stalemate that leaves both exhausted.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Life is Goud-a.

14: Life is Goud-a.

The Pope awards himself the cheesy title of Julius II, ‘The Conqueror’ in recognition of snagging that one Phonecian city in Greece.His options for further conquest look very limited. Despite his Swiss Guard sporting some relatively early pikes the French and Wallachian armies look like they could turn the Papal lands into a cheese toastie if they apply the heat from both sides. If Vlad doesn’t act soon though his army will be no match for a fully Medieval force.Aures may be a little depleted from their recent warring with Wassoulou, but Julius definitely doesn’t have the might to contest the Med at this moment in time.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of From the desk of Grace O’Malley

15: From the desk of Grace O’Malley

The legal department of Umhaill Inc. fires off a contract to Togortak. “Dear occupier, we intend to exercise a legal option on the city of Suun as soon as the current lease has ended. We demand immediate access for our surveyors to begin to appraise the territory and its properties. Failure to comply will result in a summons to appear in front of a Judge, who will issue a writ of compliance.Grace O’ Malley C.E.O. Dictated, but not read.”Bactria recruits general Johann Tserclaes. Johann, being a devout Catholic is appalled to be recruited by an empire that has adherents of both Orthodoxy, and Islam. His first order is that the heathens assembled before him”get in the sea!” This is misunderstood and they attempt to besiege Sarepta from the Caspian.Circassia is starting to look hegemonic here.

16: Ad Victoriam

Off screen Wassoulou are able to retake the originally Aures city of Ad Media from Portugal. I doubt it’s done flipping yet though.As usual, I promise I didn’t read ahead. Vyatka joins the Kipchak bandwagon, becoming by far the most relevant member. Unless they concentrate force in the south, which they are pointedly not doing, Ioaan’s armies will have to fight through the mountain passes, or else range far to the North to find a more open vector for attack.Is Togortak ready for another valiant defence? He’d better be, or else it’s all over for the Kipchaks.“Everytime I think I’m out, they keep pulling me back in.” - Togortak, probably.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Henry Ford owned a newspaper which he used to publish articles based on the already discredited anti-Semitic hoax,

17: Henry Ford owned a newspaper which he used to publish articles based on the already discredited anti-Semitic hoax,

Henry Ford finds himself in Germany, recruited by the Hasa. He is charmed by the volkish myth of the common people. This better not awaken anything in him…The American Nazi tells Jurgen Wullenwever that his citizens can have a carriage in any colour, so long as it is black. “I have no need for funeral carriages!” Protests the King of the League, “I’m not at war with anyone.” An advisor leans over and whispers to him, “Estonia?! Bugger! I knew I was meant to be doing something!” He roars. He turns apologetically to Ford “Okay Hank, I’ll take one hundred, to start with.”Turn 147 is off to a grim start.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Buyer’s remorse.

18: Buyer’s remorse.

Over to Asia, for a shot of Green Ukraine now. Yurii Hlushko’s navy meager navy pulls off a daring capture, or the Itelmen city of Tarein. Sorry, did I say daring? I meant boring. I voted for Grukraine, and I’ve been disappointed ever since. Even seeing them do something here I’m struggling to care. In fact this probably wasn’t even their doing, it was probably that stupid Raven messing with the Itelmen again. See Yurii, you aren’t even the main character in your own narrative!What’s even more concerning is that there are enough triremes here to recapture the city, which could lead to the shame of losing a city to the Itlemen.

19: FFFFFFFFF

“What is dead may never die!” yells Sho Shin as he is dragged from his throne room by a pair of Tang swordsmen. “Yeah, that’s right pal,” the one on the left sneers, “they said you were a zombie, but I didn’t expect you to smell like the dead.” He and his partner laugh uproariously, until a bright light begins to shimmer around Sho Shin’s body a second later the immortal has disappeared leaving only a faint buzzing sound echoing in the courtyard of the former royal palace of the Ryukyu.Ryukyu had a funny old game, reaching the dizzying heights of #20 in stats at the end of episode 3, only to hit rock bottom after a disastrous war against Japan. After that they never recovered, being picked apart by stronger regional contenders, until they were eliminated by Tang in 61st placeWait, what do you mean that wasn’t it? Okay, so through sheer gumption they were able to self-resurrect, then proceed to do nothing of note until the rest of the world got too creeped by the idea of zombies and Cebu tricked Tang into eliminating them in 61st place, again. F for Sho Shin, eliminated first, and second. Technically.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Cheese Grater.

20: Cheese Grater.

“Cheeses save us!” Wails Julius II waving the note above his head. After chasing him for sometime an advisor is able to wrestle the ill omened letter from the Pope’s hands. As he reads he turns as pale as feta.“We’ll see who the real conqueror is. Dihya x”“Ring the alarm bell!” Orders Julius, having regained some composure. The bell ringer makes for the large rope in the corner of the room.“No, not the giant bell, the Babybel! We only need to alert the palace. They can see what’s going on outside!,Bring me my greatest military minds immediately! Send for Jack Pepper and Gordon Zola!”“Of course, your holiness. When’s Lee Dale arriving?”“Shouldn’t be long, he’s stationed at the rock fort. Ah, here he is, what news Lee?” “The main cheese store has been hit, boss. De-Brie is everywhere!”“Eeeee-Damn!” Swears the Stinking Bishop of Rome.As much as I’d like to see some serious action here, neither side possess overwhelming force, they're fighting over a body of water, and just for funzies Dihya has thrown down a citadel in the middle of it all. Yeah, this war had cheese grater written all over it.

21: Berry good.

Xaragua recruits the Great Merchant Berry Gordy. Gordy founded the hugely influential Motown label, signing some of the biggest names in soul, including Aretha Franklin, and Stevie Wonder. Little to report war wise here, as both Sperthrower Owl and Anacaona have sunk almost all of each other’s boats.Off screen the Kalmar Union makes peace with the Kipchaks.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Their vision is based on movement

22: Their vision is based on movement

Karankawa have been quietly settling on New Foundland, and whilst their new holdings of Caoque and Kouyam are under threat from Old Sheehays’ navy they have managed to sneak a settler on to the Labrador peninsula. It seems unlikely the Susquehannock force in the area is enough to secure even the half health city of Caoque, but stranger things have happened in the CBRX. This island could just as quickly become New Lostland for Joseph Maria.The Umhaill citizens in Murrisk sit incredibly still, hoping no one sees them and draws them into the patchwork of wars that covers North America.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Anikiev le batard

23: Anikiev le batard

As turn 148 begins Ioaan Anikiev Myshkin also declares himself the conqueror. This epithet is currently hotly contested, and whilst he has seized lands from the Kipchaks in previous campaigns Vyatkan forces are yet to do so in this go around. In fact, so far only one unit of swordsmen, and one of spearmen have crossed the border into Togortak’s lands. Let's find out if he can live up to the title.This attack does seem to be focused in the north, as pointed out earlier this makes for a difficult approach. Are we about to see another masterful defence against a superior opponent from the Kipchaks. I hope so.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of There’s a Breville out the back

24: There’s a Breville out the back

Julius is running around the throne room, waving another note. This time his advisor merely waits for him to tire out, before plucking the note from his hands.“You’re cheese on toast, pal. Max Robespierre”As with the Vyatkan assault on the Kipchaks there are some narrow mountain passes in play here. That should slow the French attackers down some, but whichever way you slice it the Pope wasn’t ready for a two front war.In the Med things are progressing slowly, although at this early stage it appears that it’s the Stinking Bishop of Rome that has the lower melting point.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Between Angels and Insects

25: Between Angels and Insects

Rouran declares war on Green Ukraine. Yujilulu has neglected to move his forces for the correct side of his empire to mount an attack in this direction, but equally what manpower Yuri does possess is committed to the Itlemen front. Will this go anywhere? We’ll have to wait and see.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Look at the big brain on Banuba

26: Look at the big brain on Banuba

Jandamarra decides that having lost his settlement on Bali to Langfang, and Galela back to the Ternate that the next obvious move is an assault on the holdings of the only enemy that can’t attack him, unless he moves his units into range of their city, and its ranged defender. C’mon Bunuba, you’re a science leader, you’re smarter than this.

27

Shanel falls to the Tlingit, and Sheiyksh I orders his troops to continue south towards Ka’Tuuli. If they are able to take this city it will mark the first completely coastless city for the Tlingit empire. If Sheiyksh realises that the center of the map is viable it things might be about to get uncomfortable for all the North American civs. The northern part of the Pomo core looks pretty desolate, Essie Parrish’s best bet might be to write off anything north of Kadi’u and hand over the remaining city without further loss of life.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of “I certainly shouldn’t have told him it’s illegal”

28: “I certainly shouldn’t have told him it’s illegal”

Jacob Morenga is a pretty chill guy. He’s making peace with Wassoulou, he didn’t bother taking Kolonga Mazula’s coastal cities, his cities are in no rush to explode in population, even his government is listed as “Some Government”. I’m imagining him as the Cayman Islands banking exec from the Simpsons, sitting fanning himself, complaining that it’s too hot, and occasionally exclaiming “Oh crap!” when he realises he made mistakes a while ago.He’s definitely got the strength to claim the southern Maravi holdings, and he could use some of that AI fishing boat magic to help with his population crisis. He has settled his own coastal city, in Otjandjomboimwe. It is, however, bereft of sea resources.He’s recruited Sargon the Great of Akkad to train his recruits. Sargon, a decidedly un-chill kind of guy wishes he was born in Pakistan, Phoenicia, or even Ma’In. Anywhere that would put him within striking distance of Sumer, and bedding distance of Eannatum’s Hotwife. Hopefully Sargon’s bloodlust will liven Morenga up a bit.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of …used in storytelling

29: …used in storytelling

As 780AD arrives Xaragua celebrates the new decade by opening another wonder near their capital, Paro Taktsang. The Tiger’s nest is a monastery, built high in a mountain. Legends tell of a flying tigress who transported its founder to the location, in this case, a solitary mountain outside Yaguana that now provides one faith and one culture. The monastery itself provides modest bonuses to the capital that do not synchronise with the luxuries found there. It also gives an engineer point, which I suppose is nice. Maybe they’ll use it to get another wonder down the road… Just out of shot Spearthrower Owl sheds I tear. “I was going to build that.” He says quietly.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of If you scream into the void for too long…

30: If you scream into the void for too long…

Ma’In are still doing a fine job of holding off Ethiopia, they even have a settler out. This isn’t a good look for Zara Yaqob. Sure it’s a difficult angle of attack, and none of us are expecting miracles, but what are you trying to prove here? You’re shouting into the void at the cost of hundreds of wasted hammers in production. This is humbling. At a time when the bloom is already off the rose this hubris really isn’t improving your international standing. Showing some degree of self awareness Zara makes peace with Phoenicia.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Where does Yuri keep his armies?

31: Where does Yuri keep his armies?

Japan declares war on Green Ukraine! Like so many others Toyotomi Hideyoshi has failed to do even the most basic preparation in terms of coherent battle lines, but in this case it probably won’t matter. Yuri’s armies must up his sleevies, cause they aren’t carpeting his empire. I count 11 land combat units in total, and not one of them in position to try and stop this new invasion force.Japan are fielding several of their unique unit, a pikeman that upgrades to a musket when capturing a city, and earns a promotion that gives courthouse effects when garrisoned in a conquered city. This war could be huge for Japan, as it presents an opportunity to secure a mainland empire, be the first civ on the cylinder to boast muskets, and their unique promotion means unhappiness shouldn’t impede their progress as much as it does for most. The Itlemen have also recaptured Tarein. That will show the raven, I guess.

32: Ad Undas

Dihya is determined to destroy Samori Tore, even at the cost of her very last unit. Aures forces have regrouped and are having another crack at driving Wassoulou into the waves. Ad Medias would be in trouble, but there are no melee units nearby to affect a capture before all the bowmen are whittled down by the city’s ranged attack. Aures just about have the numbers, but the fighting here seems fatigued, I’m not sure how much more progress is possible.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Cast into bondage

33: Cast into bondage

Uruk now wears the chastity chains of Muhammad Ali Jinnah, as it is annexed into his empire of domination. The city could be recaptured, unfortunately most of the infantry are in the capital enjoying the hospitality of Lady Innana, Hotwife to Eannatum, while he listens at the door.Much to the hilarity of Johann Tserclaes, Bactria's heathens continue to get in the sea, as they make little to no progress against Sarepta. To celebrate this minor victory Hiram declares war on Pegu.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Maybe they’re both drunk

34: Maybe they’re both drunk

Bunuba is still attacking Quellon as the Langfang fleet arrives at their shores in earnest. Jandamarra has lost access to all of his vacation spots, and Yaranggi has taken a not insignificant amount of damage.A New South Wales naval detachment drifts drunk and directionless off the west coast. We’ll call them the rum armada.

35

Pomo’s colonisation of Hawai’i continues, as they have another settler heading for Kauai. They’ve got a fairly decent defence force in situ, and whilst there are more foreign vessels in this shot they belong to several similarly coloured civs, so no one bunch looks too threatening to Essie Parrish’s supremacy in the area.

36

We return to North America proper for another shot of the Asinaabe versus Onondaga war. We can see that Tadodaho has expended a lot of their military for no material gain. The Hudson and James Bay cities now have higher defence values, making them less choice targets for what remains of the invasion force. It might be time to think about cutting losses soon.Itelmen and Maravi join the Pegu bandwagon. Easily done, as it’s going nowhere, and slowly.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Doggy doggy what now?

37: Doggy doggy what now?

If I can tell my Susquehannock from my Onondaga, Karankawa has some room to breathe here. They’ve sunk most of Old Sheehays’ triremes, and managed to settle a city on Labrador. Joseph Maria, and the Labrador peninsula, what is this, a crossover episode?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of “Dear Yuri, why are you called Green Ukraine when your balls are clearly all frozen and blue? Shin Sawbu”

38: “Dear Yuri, why are you called Green Ukraine when your balls are clearly all frozen and blue? Shin Sawbu”

New year, same irrelevant wars being declared. Bangladesh, Yunan, and even Pegu, sick or being the butt of everyone else’s DoWs all commence hostilities with Green Ukraine. By which I mean they send Yuri rude letters, this will come to nothing.

39

The cheese grater war continues in the Med. Aures’ reserves look healthier, but the Stinking Bishop isn’t beaten yet, and holds the lines at sea, and on land, for now. Catel Gandolfo has either flipped off screen, or starved.Bangladesh makes peace with Estonia, to better focus their efforts on Grukraine. Ha!Ethiopia makes peace with Maravi, to better focus their efforts on not being humiliated by Ma’In. Ha, ha, ha!

40

Having wasted a good portion of their remaining troops on not capturing Quellon Bunuba have also let Dodinga drop to half health. If this city falls they are trapped on the mainland with John Macarthur for the foreseeable future. Given that Ternate can walk pikemen over from the relatively developed city of Soahsio this seems pretty likely.Is it just me or does Caral look like the strongest civ in this snapshot? Their new settlement of Potao looks great, so long as no one tries to boil it, mash it, or stick it in a stew.

41

Rapa Nui recruits another great person that could be doing literally anything if they had been born literally anywhere else. Instead the talents of Akamatsu Mitsusuke are squandered lending an unutilised minor combat buff to a spearman guarding an island Hotu Matu’a can’t even be arsed to settle. Not much is known about the exploits of the samurai in our world, and it looks like it will stay that way.

42

Pomo are able to settle the city of Koi. Tlingit triremes immediately attack the new settlement, but lack the force to affect regime change. The Japanese sailors in the area are interested in the idea of large areas of water devoted to Koi, although they have something different in mind.On the Sub our golden age comes to an end. What does this portent for the simulation? We can only pray the leaders don’t start emulating Rapa Nui en masse, that truly would be a dark age for the CBRX.

43

Bactria begins to embark elephants, under the orders of Johann Tserclaes. The sheer weight of the elephants keeps sinking the boats, but thanks to AI UI spam they have LOTS of elephants, and Tserclaes is adamant that if they can land just one or two of the heathen beasts in the city…Meanwhile Demetrius’ core is looking mighty empty, and in this neck of the world that usually means we’re about to see a whole bunch of head slapping, nose tweaking, and ear pulling as the three stooges of the steppe vie for an opportunity to get one up on each other.Circassia continues to look hegemonic, though their unit composition leaves something to be desired.

44

The north-eastern Green Ukraine city of Nikolaevsk-Ussurisky is taking serious damage from a land army marching south from Hiroshima, keen to take advantage of their conquest based bonuses.The Itelmen city of Coast is back in the yellow, but we can’t discern if it is in real danger from this shot. Rouran riders have reached Grukraine territory, and other than a great general replacement with no effective improved functionality between them and Iman things are looking really bad for Yuri.

45

A letter arrives in Lagash, postmarked from Pakistan. It reads: Give me Kish, or the consequences will be dire. I am done playing games. Muhammad Ali Jinnah.“What’s this?” enquires Eannatum coyly? “He wants to kiss my Hotwife? Better give him what he wants.” Eannatum turns red, and conspicuously positions the letter in front on his crotch.“My King,” an advisor implores, “that is not what the letter says, are you sure…”“Silence!” Declares Eannatum. “I said give the man what he wants. There is no shame in it.” This last more quietly, and then “I’m going to my room now, no one disturb me for at least an hour.” With that the city of Kish is ceded to Pakistan.Elsewhere a Kipchak UU is hanging out in the Seychelles. I love this, it’s like having a bonus game of Where’s Wally woven into the tapestry of each episode.Against expectations Poenicia are still more or less fine.

46

Estonia establishes a monarchy declaring Lennart Meri their one true king. I’m not sure why. Maybe just in recognition that he survived until 820AD.The war for Scandinavia has turned into a 3 way fish grinder akin to the Li’l Lisa Slurry plant. Maybe if this conflict goes the distance to the nuclear age we can get some three eyed fish slurry for a Simpsons toofer. Seems unlikely though as Scythia have a huge army on Estonia’s border, and they are gazing longingly over towards their exclave of Bergen. Who is going to stop them if they march for it? Not the Scandinavian stooges.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Ateas and Olgit get the munchies

47: Ateas and Olgit get the munchies

Ateas stands in front of his troops, sword in one hand, spliff in the other. He takes an almighty toke. Then he panics. Shit! He thinks. What was I doing? Oh, man. I’ve got no idea why I came here. Man, I’m messed up. Okay, I’ve got my sword with me, must be about to do a war… Who on though? Ah, man, this was such a good idea five minutes ago. Hey look at that cloud, it looks like a sheep. No! Must not get distracted. In the course of following the cloud his gaze has drifted fom the Estonian border to the one with the Vyatkan lands.“WAR WITH VYATKA!” He suddenly declares. Yeah, that sounds right. Many miles away Chief Shaman Olgit is stirred from his k-hole by the mighty cry. Shit, we’re at war with Vyatka he thinks, I don’t remember agreeing to that.“Uh, war with Vyatka.” He shrugs towards his troops, then turns and begins to rack up a massive line.I’m calling this one ‘The War, On Drugs’.In sleepy central Africa settlers wander aimlessly. If they bump into a party of colonists from another civ they say “Dr. Livingstone. I presume?” then fall about laughing. Anything to pass the time.Luba’s UU the Nzappa Zap can be seen here. A swordsman replacement that can conquer cities without causing resistance. That’s cool, shame we have no chance of seeing it in action.

48

Qara-Khitai becomes a monarchy. They’ve slowly developed a core, and shown some impetus to try and break out of their starting location, but it’s probably too little too late at this point. Scythia is determined to make Trans Siberian doomsday a thing, and both Pakistan and Bangladesh to the south are much stronger. They have shown more aptitude in war than Rouran, but just barely. Speaking of which there are units here that would be better served attacking Grukraine, they should get a wriggle on.

49

Off screen Dodinga falls back to Ternate, as predicted. Verkhoshizhemye looks like a viable target as soon as Olgit’s troops emerge from their K-holes, and get a nice bowl of special K in them. Once they manage that they should be able to eat the Vyatkan city as an afternoon snack.Elsewhere the Kipchak defence continues. Pretty valiant for a civ ranked #54.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Buckley’s chance

50: Buckley’s chance

It’s fair to say Jandamarra’s chances of escaping his drunken neighbour are dead for now. Fortunately for them, so too are most of their would-be invaders. It looks like the mainland will hold.“Ahh stuck on this island, with that bloody bogan.” Sighs the Bunuba leader. “‘Ere Bruce get me a ciggie and a tinnie, I’m crook at the idea of being stuck here with that drongo!”“Yeh, fair dinkum.” Bruce replies. He throws Jandamarra a can, and a packet of cigarettes, turns around to fiddle with a tape deck, and suddenly AC/DC are blasting out across the outback.“Accadacca?” Nods Jandamarra approvingly. “Noice.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Dave’s not here man

51: Dave’s not here man

The Scythians may be REALLY baked, but it’s not holding them back from warring, unlike their K-holing ally. They have managed to encircle and damage both Nikulitsyn and Dymkovo, in the far south. I’m not sure if they have enough force concentrated outside the capital to make a push there yet, but either way Trans Siberian Doomsday is laying track straight through the steppe.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Pontiac, Star Chieftain

52: Pontiac, Star Chieftain

Asinaabe and Onondaga, however, are screeching to a halt. The former now have the numerical advantage in the north, but little chance of leveraging it into something useful. In the south the situation is reversed.A Xavante Tsaworo’wa has been taking a pleasure cruise in Lake Huron for a few decades now. The unique scout replacement probably isn’t much good to them anywhere at this point, so why not let them relax?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Setterwatch 820AD

53: Setterwatch 820AD

Onondaga settles the city of Otiahanague on Greenland, and has another settler off the city shore. Karankawa still hasn't put down roots, despite having been on the island for years. Old Sheehays has also dispatched a settler which seems to be heading that way, can’t let the paths of Onondaga and Susquehannock diverge too much, right? Finally there is a Scottish settler wandering snowblind across the middle of the island. This concludes settlerwatch 820AD edition.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of California sobering

54: California sobering

Oh, look Xarugua did get another wonder. Cheers Anacoana, Spearthrower Owl is crying now. Choking back tears, Spearthrower sends his new general Shajar Al-Durr to attack Baja California. Al-Durr was the first Mamluk Sultana of Egypt, and played a role in resisting the seventh crusade. She hopes to lead a crusade into Pomo lands, but like our timeline’s crusades she may be doomed to failure, due to her strategy of embarking units to be sunk immediately.

55

Next up is a shot of the Cebu capital, Singhapala. It has a decent population, and a reasonable defence force, including a Timawa unique unit. This pikeman replacement is amphibious, can pillage titles and trade routes for free, and gains a temporary combat bonus if it does so. It’s a really good build for this part of the world. I like Cebu, if we’re lucky Humabon is planning his next surprise war, to capitalise on this power spike.

56

Another new turn, another new wonder for Xaragua. In the city of Gonaibo, east of the capital, the The Great Mosque of Djenne opens to the public. The largest mud-brick building in the world, this wonder provides a free mosque to the city, minor boosts to culture and faith, another engineer point, and extra spreads for missionaries that will help Anacoana spread her none-existent religion. Like their previous offering it has a stats sheet score of 2.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I’ve not seen this many stoners in one place since Snoop Dogg’s entourage had a smoke off against the entire crowd at that Phish reunion show.

57: I’ve not seen this many stoners in one place since Snoop Dogg’s entourage had a smoke off against the entire crowd at that Phish reunion show.

Scythia are one step closer to relieving Ioann of his southern holdings. Ket forces still haven’t showed up.This reminds me of one time when I went to a punk festival as a teenager. We opened up an abandoned B&B as a squat, to stay in for the weekend, not realising it was a crack house. The second day of the festival the dealers turned up, beat some people up, and tried to kick us out. It took about 12 hours to resolve, during which there was a standoff between the dealers, the punks, and the local police, which was suitably rowdy. During this time several people were K-holing in the front room of the B&B, oblivious to the whole situation. This is like that. Except not as funny.Oglit looks up long enough to declare peace with Phoenecia, after realising he can’t astral project his army into the middle east.

58

Wassolou is able to secure peace with Aures, and whilst their empire is more coherent than before the war but make no mistake this is a terminal rumping. They’ve lost some big cities, but more importantly they’ve lost any routes to viable conquest. Short of pulling a navy out of nowhere, and taking it to Portugal this is the death of possibility for Samori Tore. All that is left now is to wait for a great power to come and end their suffering.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Plum tuckered out

59: Plum tuckered out

John Macarthur tries to blink. He’s so dehydrated only one eye pops open. His tongue feels like it is host to a blackhole, drawing all moisture from his mouth into some netherrealm. His one open eye stings in the sunlight. “Aww, good on ya, you’re awake cobber. It’s nearly midday, ya bludger. Bet ya feelin’ awful crook, eh?“Nah,” croaks John Macarthur, “yeah, nah, yeah.”“You were legless, eh?”“Nah… yeah.” “Well, if we go get a Maccas, and skull a stubby, ya reckon you’ll be ready to go back and scrap that drongo Jandamarra again?“Yeah, nah…” With that New South Wales and Bunuba make peace again.Bunuba seems to have fended off the Langfang fleet, things might not be looking up, but they are looking more stable.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Same guy, right?

60: Same guy, right?

Grukraine makes peace with the Itelmen, and manages to get the city of Chakazhuzh in the deal. Could they be any more excited?They immediately assign Great Admiral Matthew Perry there, at his own request. He says he finds the city name hilarious, and wants to station there to work on his comedy act.If Rouran comes knocking though, it might not be so funny after all.

61: Voodoo child

Lennart Meri shakes his head, then rubs his eyes. He very clearly remembers declaring war on Samori Tore, but he can’t remember why. Dihya’s spell is broken, and Estonia makes peace with WassoulouCloser to home the Li’l Lisa Slurry plant continues to churn flesh, wood, and metal into a high-protein feed for farm animals.Scotland has snuck a new settlement into Scandinavia, in the form of Lithgow, and has another settler roaming the snow. The Kalmar Union’s settlement of Stavanger will make this a difficult set of colonies for Mary to supply.

62: World War V

Frustrated at his lack of progress against the stinking Bishop, Robespierre declares war on Wallachia. Everyone knows vampires are vulnerable to a stake through the heart, but Maximillien has heard that beheading will do the trick two, and he knows a thing or two about taking heads.He may literally be putting the horse before the cheese cart though, as his horsemen will have to navigate the Alps to the north or Julius’ territory in order to get to Vlad.

63

Just as Japan looks to have Nikolaevsk-Ussurisky in capturable range they are down to their last swordsman. Will they be able to take it before the swordsman dies? Maybe.The Itelmen have brought the city of Coast back up to green health, and reverted to its former name of Tarein. I don’t understand what Japanese civs have against northern Honshu. With all the ghouls and goblins in this game, maybe Toyotomi Hideyoshi thinks it's haunted.The Japanese have recruited Great Admiral Marc-Joseph Marion duFrense, to bolster their invasion. In our timeline duFrense is known for having been killed by Maori tribesmen after making landfall in New Zealand. Toyotomi will be banking on him sticking to the seas in this reality, fortunately that’s how Great Admirals work here, so there doesn’t seem to be any great threat to MJ here.Mysore declares war against Yunnan.

64

Here we see a shot of the front. Psych! Bangladesh is still in the way and neither side seem to have secured open borders ahead of hostilities. Tang has settled the new city of Caozhou within their existing borders and has another settler south-east of the city.Bangladesh has a settler up in the Himalayas, Yunnan has two milling around their borders. Not to be outdone, Qara-Khitai have three in this slide, and are better positioned to actually settle a city than their rivals.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of You know what would be aaaaaa-mazing right now? Pizza.”

65: You know what would be aaaaaa-mazing right now? Pizza.”

The first domino falls as Sycthia takes Nikulitsyn.“Domino-ooo-hoo!” Shouts a seriously toasted Ateas as he rides through the gates of the city. Dymkovo will fall next turn, Ioann’s ass is steppe grass, and Ateas is gonna smoke it.Off screen the Ket forces continue to rack up massive lines, and not much else. Returning scouts bring rumors of a new style of music called dubstep playing non-stop in Ket lands, but no one really understands what they are talking about.

66

It’s turn 153 and Xarugua makes peace with Teo, giving up a city in the bargain, but crucially not one containing a wonder. On the plus side the city of Mamey has a nice population and makes an excellent staging point should Spearthrower Owl wish to resume hostilities with Anacaona in the future. Or, for that matter, attack the southern coast of North America.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of “One thing about Central Europe I never could stand, all the damn vampires!” - Jurgen Wullenwever

67: “One thing about Central Europe I never could stand, all the damn vampires!” - Jurgen Wullenwever

The Hanseatic League declares a Holy Crusade against the forces of darkness. Swearing to bring an end to the nefarious Vlad Tepes.In his dimly lit throne room Vlad twists the head off of a soldier, lifts the man’s headless body up off the floor above his own head, inverts it, then chugs the blood flowing from the frayed neck.“If y’all wanna see me kick The Hanseatic League’s asses, gimmie a Hell yeah!” He exclaims.“Hell yeah!” Echoes the cry from the castle’s courtyard as thousands upon thousands of soldiers answer their murderous leader’s call.In a desperate attempt to save face Bunuba declares war on Pegu. Have we even seen Pegu in this episode? I guess none of these wars are paying off so far…

68

Hyksos and Phoenicia jump on the World War V bandwagon, although this may be a really bad move on the part of Hiram, as most of Wallachia’s famously enormous army is near the border with Sidon.

69

They’re out of the K-Hole, this is not a drill! Awake, and with a balanced breakfast in their bellies the Ket forces wash over the city of Virkoshizhemye. Kipchaks join the anti-Pegu bandwagon. I’m a little disappointed. I assumed they would sympathise with Pegu’s plight, being the target of the world’s second largest current coalition.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Essie, you’ve got bigger fish to fry!

70: Essie, you’ve got bigger fish to fry!

5 turns have passed since we were last here, but Shanel is safely in Tlingit hands. Very chic.To the south Ka-Tuuli is almost completely encircled. Shoulda made peace when you had the chance, Parrish.Ponca joins the Pegu band wagon.

71: Great Scot!

Xaragua, and much more relevantly Scotland declare war on the Kalmar Union. Those North sea colonies don’t have a single naval defender. Surely Mary will make short work of them?Caral declares war on Karankawa, just to be different.

Amina makes peace with Samori Tore in a war I forgot was happening, seriously both sides have been pictured loads here, and I didn’t even notice. Zazzau hit a power spike soon-ish, they have a unique knight that has a reduced penalty against cities, and syncronises with their unique ability to boost general production, xp, and military tech. If they bide their time they may be able to finish off Wassoulou, gaining a few cities, but more importantly access to fresh meat, such as Portugal.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Yeah. Fair enough, I guess,

72: Yeah. Fair enough, I guess,

We finally cut to Ethiopia for their new wonder. Another with a score of 2 on the stats sheet. The Churches of Lalibela, built by the correct civ and in the correct place, give or take. Unfortunately the wonder’s effects don’t synchronise as nicely as the lore. Ethiopia gains +3 faith and +1 Great Artist point. They give +1 faith to all specialists, this could boost Zara Yaqob’s ability to purchase the Pesedjet religious building Daoguans, which provide +2 Faith, +2 Science, 5% Culture. A nice bonus but it won’t win them the game.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wonder why they bothered

73: Wonder why they bothered

The Seychelles wonder isn’t much better. Dome of the Rock grants +3 happiness, and a prophet, to spread their non-existent religion. Dome of the Rock also scores 2 on the stats sheet.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Is this normal?

74: Is this normal?

So many irrelevant war declarations here! Circassia versus Pegu, Bjarmians join World War V, Cebu versus Pegu, Circassia versus Yunnan, Bactria versus Pegu…Cebu versus Pomo might have legs if Humabon can upgrade his fleet soon and sail for Hawai’i, but right now it’s relatively irrelevant.

75

Yeah, I didn’t miss the one relevant dec in there, I just assumed we’d cut to it now. Circassia becomes the senior partner in the coalition of light that has begun to wage World War V. Ismail Berzeg will be looking to paint the black sea in a different shade of green. And vampire blood, plenty of vampire blood.

76: Ad Absurdum

Portugal slips a trireme into Ad Medias. Both sides look exhausted, I know I am, even so this may not be over yet.Ma’In and Mysore get in on the Pegu hate. Pakistan joins in on the Kipchak hate. New South Wales declares war on the Pomo. Is a new coalition forming that could actually be relevant at some point in the not too distant future? I sure hope so!

77

Japan still haven’t finished off Nikolaevsk-Ussurisky, but they’ve got Svobodnyy down to capture range, and have several of their unique Ashigaru poised for the coup de grace. If they snag a musketman in the deal, Grukraine will not be able to stand against them, the musketman has a base combat strength of 24, nearly as high as Grukraine’s capital.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of My empire is so… big. Look at it, like have you ever just stopped and, like, looked at your empire, man?

78: My empire is so… big. Look at it, like have you ever just stopped and, like, looked at your empire, man?

Scythia captures Dymkovo, and despite all the pipes they’ve blazed they don’t seem to be slowing down yet.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Graters gonna grate.

79: Graters gonna grate.

Castel Gandolfo’s defence force is down to one old man on the battlements screaming “You shall not pass!”Aures must take the city now, but it will undoubtedly flip a bit more before it's with its forever owner. The Stinking Bishop’s navy might be busy fighting the Wallachians, but they are only on the other side of the city, hence poised to make a recapture.To the north France has done what the French do when faced with a bunch of cheese, and eaten it for lunch. There are precious few defenders left now.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of It would be better, though.

80: It would be better, though.

Ahhh, Keynes. Nice fella, couldn’t have been more wrong about the consequences of the mechanisation of industry. I wish we had fully automated luxury communism, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.

81

Bangladesh makes peace with Wassoulou. Diyah’s spell had worn off sometime earlier but Sheikh Mujibur Rahman had been having a well deserved nap until now.Teo peace Ponca, whilst Xavante declares war on Karankawa is a futile gesture. They’ve even recruited a new general for the occasion, much good it will do them. Xue Yue, known as the Patton of Asia was famed for fighting communists. If Xavante survives to the age of ideologies maybe they’ll be able to make use of this knowledge. They’re under no immediate threat right now, and have recarpeted, but they have no prospects, survival is the best they can hope for.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Twos across the board

82: Twos across the board

It’s 900AD, or turn 155 to you and me. Yanomami builds another wonder with a stats sheet rating of 2. It’s Hagia Sophia, free prophet, free temple, yadda-yadda. At least Davi Kopenawa has a religion to spread, even if he had to borrow it from someone else. Coralic Pachaism does give faith for plains, which Yanomami has plenty of, and access to some pretty nice science focused religious buildings. In this case the wonder may actually be worth it.Spearthrower Owl is crying again.

83: Nae bother

Margarete may have managed to bring Aberdeen down to about half health with a detachment of trireme sent from home shores, but Mary is unquestionably winning here. The Kalmar Union’s colonies will soon be Scottish

84: So close…

Japan finally takes a city from Green Ukraine, but it seems that they did it with a trireme, not a land unit. Silly Toyotomi. Their land army has actually thinned out significantly. The horseman sent to capture Nikolaevsk-Ussurisky is nearly dead, and contrary to my prediction it looks like they may struggle to progress from here. They do have a couple of settlers on the mainland though, maybe this war was an excuse to traverse Grukraine’s lands in search of new city spots.Qara-Khitai makes peace with Estonia. Cute.

85: Lost Boys

Joao declares war on the Kipchaks, just to prove he isn’t lazy. Around the Bosphorus Vlad’s units are being thinned out. As his generals lament, his economists rejoice. The Leaguey Weagueys are breaking through in the North, and Scythia have citadelled Targoviste. Don’t worry Vlad, it’s always darkest before the dawn… Oh, wait the dawn will kill you. Bugger.Scythia’s own capital looks kinda undefended right now, but no one is in a position to make a move on them, and besides with their mounted unit bias empty now might not mean empty in a turn, or two.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of With apologies to Irvine Welsh

86: With apologies to Irvine Welsh

Mary personally headbutts her way into Sigtuna, spitting broken teeth from her mouth. “We call that a Glasgey kiss whare ah’m frum sunny.” She tells a crumpling Kalmar guardsman. Rokside is shitten it sen.

87: Let’s roll

Scythian forces seem to be spreading out to encircle the Vyatkan capital, as they did with the southern cities. This really could be doomsday for Ioann.Ket seems to be K-holing again.The Bjarmians have annexed Shabalinskoe.

88

Aures declare war on Ma’In, mainly for vibes.We see the massive, and massively empty Tang core. Good job they have no natural predators.

89

Cheeses’ right hand man has lost his grip on Gandolfo, it could still flip some more, but his chances of owning it at the end of the war are looking less appetising than a slice of that plasticy stuff they melt to the top of burgers.A french catapult moves within range of Benevento. Better get kneebound Julius.Italy is a graveyard, the Mediterranean is thick with blood.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of They’re dead, Dave

90: They’re dead, Dave

Europe is a graveyard. The Baltic sea is thick with slurry. Still the Hanseatic League half-arsedly harasses Tren In. Really drives home the futility of war, eh?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Everybody is dead, Dave

91: Everybody is dead, Dave

Old Sheehays captures Quouan, somewhat boxing in his old rival Tadodaho. Good for him. Joseph Maria doesn't have anything like enough power in the area to take it back, so I guess this is status Quouan.Canada is a graveyard. The North Atlantic is thick with blood.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Read as David Attenborough

92: Read as David Attenborough

Away from all that hard death we are treated to signs of life. One of, if not the most populous cities on the cylinder, the Seychelles capital of Victoria. I’m not sure what it’s done to earn this highlight, other than be large, but well done, I guess.Grand’Anse Mahe looks kinda new, maybe that’s it.

93: Ad Infinitum

Wassoulou retakes Ad Medias. Can that one Portuguese trireme flip it again? Maybe.North Africa is a graveyard. The Atlantic is thick with blood.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wrong place, wrong time

94: Wrong place, wrong time

Wassoulou’s campaign season may be winding down, but that doesn’t stop them producing a new general. Thutmosis III was perhaps Egypt’s greatest warrior Pharaoh. With what he has to work with here he’d be lucky to conquer this world’s Egypt, yet alone alone someone noteworthy.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Always leave them wanting more

95: Always leave them wanting more

To mark the end of the episode Ethiopia completes construction of Kandariya Mahadeva Temple. This grants 3 production per religion present in the city. This wonder has a stats sheet score of 3, so I assume that’s in every city, not just the one with the wonder. Even so Africa only really has one religion, so it’s not a major boost.And on that slightly anticlimactic note I must bid you adieu.

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