Civ Battle Royale May 05, 2026
Poblano
G’day all Mr. Poblano here with a sizzling hot new CBR episode. I’ve finally learned that these things are called episodes after I killed the little part of me that remembered when they were called parts. You may remember me from hit inventions like “the haiku” and “poblometrics.” What will this episode be remembered for?
Once again Sonicfan provides us with a beautiful map of the world, from which we can see the impending domination of Europe by France.
I dont know what this comic means because i have never understood art and i am an uncivilized barbarian. however. ponca’s eyes are really funny. haha.
As we have not yet achieved global socialism as a species, and communist aliens have not yet visited us, the civ battle royale still requires funding. These brave people have done so, cutting off a small part of their soul and donating it to the CBR.
Everybody wrote Vyatka off. They said they couldn’t do it, they got off to too slow of a start. But they forgot the underlying grit in Vyatka, and they will overcome this start. It’s all about Myshkin. Let’s go Myshkin. Love da Myshkin.
Unfortunately for the person who wrote a Vyatka slide 2 seconds ago, they just lost Koloperem. With three comp bows nearby and a swordsman within two tiles in the sea, they should be able to retake it. However, if the swordsman dies(which is very possible due to embarking), the three comp bows on the island will serve to block the Vyatkan units that could retake the city.
After an entire episode of “will they, won’t they” over Nikolaevskoe, the city falls to Rouran. Or actually, it doesn’t fall, really. There is no slide which shows a city capture, and the two civs have made peace. Most likely, after an extended siege, the inhabitants of the city opened the doors to Rouran and peace was made on a limited basis.
In Douglas Adams lesser known novel, “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency,” I’m given to understand there is a scene where the titular character encounters a couch in an apartment that he has to remove. However, he encounters great difficulty and begins to wonder how the couch got into the apartment. After conducting a thorough investigation, he shows that there is no possible way for the couch to have gotten into the apartment.Anyway, the couch is pegu.
After an aggressive citadel from Pakistan, Mysore’s empire is connected by a slim single tile. If Bangladesh chose to employ Pompey to build a citadel in the single unclaimed tile next to it, Mysore could be split in half.
The Scots employ the services of Keumelahayati, who is notable for being the first woman admiral in the modern world, although the historical sources on her are extremely limited. In any case, Scotland will have to hope and trust in those limited sources because her navy is severely outdated compared to her neighbors.
And here we see the final shot of Zazzau Great General Tecumseh before he is unceremoniously shot for embarking within two tiles of a city. Well, maybe he’ll live since Ethiopia has very little in the way of ranged units.
Ma’in now has a Mo’onarchy, proving once more they are an outdated civ who should be abolished.
Bunuba refuses to give up on the dream of sailing north and conquering, even as Bunuba is attacked on the continent and has repeatedly lost its previous expeditions. Maybe this time will be different, as no unit can take back Quellón.
Pomo is coming very close to retaking their former city from the Tlingit, but they have to watch out: the Tlingit are fielding Crossbowthem, and there is a serious power spike associated with those units.
Karankawa makes peace with Ponca, but unfortunately for them its not over. Now, Ponca can found cities within their borders! Or, well, they could. If they had settlers. And if there was a valid location.
No it doesn’t. But if it did, the Hyksos would have a very healthy lead in the religion game.
You know who wouldn’t have a very healthy lead in the religion game? Ponca. But it’s not the size of your religion that matters, but how you use your beliefs.
Rostock flips, and it’s starting to look like both sides are pretty exhausted from all this fighting. Once Estonia can end this war at the worst possible time and/or give Rostock away in the peace deal, both sides will be able to recover a bit.
Right on queue, the New South Welsh fleet and their… great merchant? set sail to end Bunuba’s latest attempt at expanding north and possibly take Miluwindi while they’re at it. Meanwhile, Baraa looks quite free if New South Wales could be bothered to send a real army. Wait, free Bara?
Though it will definitely be retaken by Ma’in, Phoenicia at least briefly succeeds where Ethiopia has previously embarrassingly failed. Phoenicia needs all the moral victories it can take.
Thursday, October 31st. Portugal declares war on Umhaill. Unfortunately, João forgot that he no longer owns Porto and thus, has no way of actually fighting Umhaill.
You know who has a navy and can use it? Seychelles. You know who isn’t using it on this slide? Seychelles.You know who this great artist is? Seychelles.
Pressure continues to build on Hiroshima from both Green Ukraine and Itelmen. If Hiroshima falls, it would be the worst tragedy for Japan since, well, um, you know.
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the crossbowthem!” he said.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.Pomo flips their former city one last time, while sending a huge contingent of horsemen to die against Tlingit’s modern army in the south, perhaps hoping to succeed in distracting them.
But you know where the Tlingit aren’t succeeding? Seychelles. I mean, Greenland. Scotland is holding onto the former Tlingit city of Shis’g’i and onto their own settlement of Ayr against the Onondaga forces. Whoever owns Greenland, controls the world. So this is a huge battle.
If you were thinking to yourself that Cebu was in a tight spot in that Tang war, you were wrong. How embarrassing for you in particular, reader! Cebu is looking quite strong in this picture and Tang quite weak navally. In the OC for next episode, someone will depict Cebu as the chad and Tang as the virgin! Ha!
We’re tired of spying on Mysore. What has Mysore given us? Nothing but lies! Wait, no. Misread that. We’re moving to Mysore and frankly, we love that. We love Mysore and appreciate all the true and real info they will give us.
See, look at that beautiful empire. Who wouldn’t want to live in this sprawling metropolis? I certainly would and I would gladly take that assignment. Mysore is one of the best civs on the cylinder to live in and I am truly rooting for their success!(do you think they bought it?)
Adama flips back to Zazzau, and further, Fatika is at very high risk of falling. This could end up being a pretty nice coup for Zazzau, pushing the frontline up for any future wars against Ethiopia and enveloping lake Chad.
yeah, so wassalou i hate to break this to you but you don’t want to use a great engineer to rush build a single unit so. you’re kinda screwed here mate. at this point your opponents are just aurès farming. its time to give up the ghost. give up the goat? idk how that saying goes. whatever it is give it up.
We’ve had Douglas Adams, but what about William Adams, the legally distinct Scots great merchant? This is really nice for Scotland because it lets them perform a trade mission that gains them significant influence with a single city state
Did I call it? Did I call it? Yes. I did in fact call it. You should stop expecting Phoenicia to be relevant, that ship sailed when they lost a city to the Papal States. The Papal States! Have you seen how garbage Julius’s game has been? Hiram is worse than that guy!
I’m calling it right now: Svobodnyy will fall to Itelmen, while Hiroshima falls to Green Ukraine, completely subverting expectations. Himeji will not fall, however. It has a castle that I hear is pretty good.
Bunuba’s great wall makes it very difficult for the New South Welsh (I love saying that) to attack them. However, this doesn’t make it any easier for Bunuba to push back, which is unfortunate. The highest priority for Bunuba in this war has to be Sorell. Taking the city would secure them Uluru and undo the two New South Welsh citadels.
A couple very strong civs on the east coast, spiritually quite similar, each having their own independent successes. Let’s hope they don’t have to fight in the future.
In a war I remembered was occurring, the Anishinaabe lay siege to the Ponca capital and boy it’s not looking good for Ponca bros. With Trebuchets and longswordsthem, they only have to get in the right position and Nanza will fall in an instant. This also means they’re only a tech away from crossbowthem, which would really clean house with Ponca. Yikes, fellow Ponca fans!
Remember my prediction from earlier? Well, funny thing about that. Green Ukraine not only failed to take Hiroshima, they gave away an unthreatened city to Japan, who, not content with merely letting one mistake occur in a single screenshot, burn the city to the ground. Could have made it much more viable to hold Hiroshima long term if they kept it!
Polo!
Remember when I was just hyping up that nice little coup for Zazzau. Well now they’re following in Ma’in’s footsteps and losing cities and adopting a mo’onarchy. The trebuchets are a nice development for them, but they don’t have the frontline units on the frontline to support them.
Speaking of dumb losers, Phoenicia retakes Eritrea and Ma’in has no hope of taking it back this time. Or maybe it never flipped and I lied earlier. Oops? Either way, Sumeria is attacking Ma’in, but this push will not go anywhere.
The Papal States continue to hold on against France by the Grace of God. wait no, that’s the Grace of Hopper, great admiral.
Circassia and Bactria slug it out in a Caspian Sea naval battle. For now, the balance here is relatively even. But if Bactria ever annexes Sarai, having three cities on the Caspian will probably enable them to significantly outproduce Circassia in boats. However, Circassia has more reason to research naval tech, so perhaps they’ll end up seizing a tech advantage here and win the battle.Or, most likely, this will stalemate forever until one or both civs are swept up by more powerful neighbors. That’s life.
Pakistan says its time for Phoenicia to die, and you know what? They have a point. Phoenicia looks pretty weak here in the east, and its kind of a miracle these exclaves haven’t fallen already.
Never give up Ponca fans. Despite what I said in the last slide on Ponca, White Eagle didn’t hear no bell, and he launches an offensive against Tangouaen that honestly might succeed. The only nearby reinforcements are obsolete catapults, and the city is relatively low in defense. While the Nanza offensive has yet to make a breakthrough, my point remains- it’s only a matter of positioning before Nanza falls extremely rapidly.
Not very much is happening in this shot of Lanfang’s beautiful empire, so I’d like to take this time to thank Lanfang’s biggest fan, JDT, for helping me with my Phonetics and Phonology project by recording Indonesian words.
I think Mysore bought my kind words, because they just leaked us some juicy info! They’re plotting against Lanfang. Unfortunately, Bangladesh is in the way and triremes can’t cross unclaimed ocean.
We move our spy now to you know, mommy, with the hopes of finding out if it is possible for South America to be interesting in CBR.
And what a lovely new empire we find ourselves in! Hopefully we’ll find out some juicy deets like who’s dating who in south america.
Seems like Bunuba was in agreement on how high of a priority to place on taking Sorell. They are actually significantly damaging it, but I’m not sure that Bunuba has a big enough advantage here locally to pull it off.
With this shot of Bjarmia, we can see that the civ has achieved a net zero in snow cities in its recent wars. Porvoo is comfortably in their hands, while Koloperem seems to have become comfortably Vyatkan. A couple civs make peace with Myshkin, but not Bjarmia. Bjarmia is too committed. They know its all about Myshkin.
Meanwhile, France finally makes peace with the Papal States. This war went nowhere, but France is no worse for the wear at the moment: they have quite the sizable carpet, and they can point it at any of their neighbors.
Maybe Japan made the right decision to burn half the population of Niko-whatever, because BOTH CITIES FALL TO THE ITELMEN!!! QUOTH THE RAVEN, uhhh, rip bozo Japan and Green Ukraine?
Not only does the Ponca hype offensive completely fall apart, the Susquehannock decide to add insult to injury, or perhaps injury to injury, and declare war on Ponca. This is a very, very tight spot for Ponca, and the course of these wars may determine if Ponca makes a fairly early exit.
Somehow we’re still getting rumors from ol’ Tipu Sultan, but there’s not much to report from this screenshot. Isn’t everyone plotting against Pegu at this point?
Wallachia has a strong empire, and, inspired by Luba’s internal settling in the line, has added Fagaras to their empire. This resembles the historical clearances in Europe during this time period. Neat!
The assault on Ayr essentially dissipates, but there are still melee units and siege units vaguely nearby. It wouldn’t surprise me to see Onondaga regroup and take Ayr. Meanwhile, Tlingit peaces out with Scotland, confirming the fait accompli of Shis’g’i. By the way, shis’g’i is pronounced in a fun way. The ‘ mark after consonants means they are ejectives. This means that, instead of using your lungs to make the sound, the movement of your glottis creates the sound. Tlingit has many, many ejective consonants. Also worth noting here that the
Morenga declares on Luba. Kabongo is the most likely target, but, comparing these two carpets, it seems unlikely to fall.
Bunuba maintains the status quo ante bellum with the New South Welsh, but unfortunately this is a tactical win and a strategic loss. Unless Bunuba manages to pull off a string of victories in papua new guinea and indonesia, they will continue to be outscaled.
Qara Khitai declares two wars, but neither is relevant. However, this slide does reveal a huge burst of war declarations. Let’s start going through these declarations on the next slide.
Tang declares war on Pegu, and in order to get to Pegu, they join a massive coalition against Yunnan. Right now the only relevant civ in that coalition, however, is Tang, The only other civ that could help create a breakthrough is Cebu, but they aren’t in the war yet.The only place where Tang really has an advantage here is in advanced naval units and the fact that Yunnan has somehow not developed pikemen. At this moment, it seems unlikely Tang will make a breakthrough unless we see a naval breakthrough. And we’ve seen lately how that’s gone for Tang.
Ignore what I said 5 slides ago, Onondaga makes peace with Scotland. Ayr will never fall. However, Onondaga makes huge strides in taking control of the critical region of Greenland by settling two highly important snow cities.
Susquehannock and Onondaga join together to fight Karankawa, much to the relief of Ponca, who now has less to worry about from their fight. Also, the Hanseatic league is in the war against Karankawa. yeah.
Tlingit may have one less city in Greenland, but they have one more belief in their religion. And what’s more important?No, seriously, I’m asking. Is a city in Greenland more valuable than a religious belief?
To answer my question quickly, the beloved gamerunners have decided to show the religious belief in question. And to be honest? It’s quite good. Better than a city in Greenland, even. +1 food and growth in all their cities with the religion is quite good, even if some of their rivals can benefit.
Vyatka now has a solid hold on Koloperem, showcasing just how much heart they have. They also have some shot at Glassisvellir, with a catapult in range. The real problem for Vyatka is Glazov, which prevents them from reinforcing the arctic ocean with more naval units.
The flip fest in Chad continues, but even if for the moment it leans Ethiopian, the development of trebuchets should push this battle in Zazzau’s favor. As long as they don’t peace out at an inopportune time
Japan declares war on Pegu, which is an excuse for us to look at William the Bastard. Unfortunately he can’t really help take an island city.
Here’s a shot of the most hated civ in the game, Pegu. half their land is on fire, but life goes on.
Umhaill and Scotland join in on the great clearances, with Doona, Ballynahinch, and Haddington appearing on the isles.
Itelmen declares war on Rouran, but with Green Ukraine in the way and all of two tiles of space to move around in the arctic, this is unlikely to go anywhere. Still, its good to mark out these two civs as long term rivals.
As I’ve said, its really a matter of positioning with regards to Nanza, and now that Anishinaabe has managed to get units in place, the city has rapidly lost health. It’s not looking great poncels…
The future looks bright for the Aurèmpire. They’ve got a great foothold in the Mediterranean, and they don’t have too many rivals on land in Africa, at least while the civs to their south are eternally warring. Still, their carpet looks pretty thin.
Remember that plot from earlier? Well, Tipu wasn’t lying. But unfortunately, neither was I about how impossible it is for Tipu to attack Lanfang. Medieval empires are famously very particular about maintaining rigid borders in the open ocean.
We moved the spy to Seychelles but we keep getting the same rumors: screw lanfang. Is this thing broken?
Sending a spy to the cafeteria is crazy. Maybe we’re trying to catch a broadcast of Taskmaster New Zealand? Watch Taskmaster New Zealand.
Wow,, great work Estonia!! You made a peace deal without giving away a city.
Another shot of beautiful Wallachia where… oh my god look at the Scythian citadel. That’s crazy is that new? Oh wait no its in the older shots of Wallachia. Oh god did I miss it earlier? Oh wait no its in some screenshots before that in the slides. Maybe i still missed it though. Damn. thats a hot citadel.
There’s a great Japanese Joe in the screenshot. I can’t be bothered to look up who it is because its obviously Joe from Ashita no Joe. hey wait if there’s a joe in the tv show why is it called “no Joe”. Gee, boxers sure are dumb
This war has been going on longer than Jyh and Senshi’s discord argument that I’m currently reading in CBR discord. Much like that argument, this war is going nowhere and nothing has changed. Join the discord https://discord.gg/565JwaMsuQ
Rember when I said this would go nowhere? Well, the carpet of Luba is thinning out a bit thanks to the pressure of Morenga’s horsethem. While they can’t actually threaten the city, they can make it possible for ranged units to take positions and siege Kabongo. However, the hilly nature of the terrain means there's actually only three tiles south of the city from which the city can be shot. Rough!
Wow, Potala Palace! This boosts sovereignty and grants a great prophet, which may grant great profit in the form of extra food from that new reformation belief.
Ponca adeptly counters the sudden loss of their capital to Anishinaabe by simultaneously settling a new city, making them net even in terms of city count. So basically, this loss doesn’t even matter. Poncels stay on top.
What. Under absolutely no threat from France, Vlad Vluckles under the pressure and gives away Bucharest. France takes the opportunity to weaken Wallachia, but recognizes Bucharest is completely indefensible and decides to raze it to the ground. Maybe the Papal States will fill in the gap later.
Somehow I missed this earlier, but Mysore, in declaring this war, puts their own city under great threat. Luckily for them, they have a galleass and trebuchet which should make it quite easy to defend the city.
It’s not looking… great… for Ma’in, who has more pillaged tiles than non-pillaged tiles in its empire. Still, the rough terrain should allow them to hold against Sumer and Phoenicia.
And now, Ponca is +1 in cities this episode! Total ponca victory!!!! Anishinaabe also do not have any melee units in range, so this may hold for a bit.
>does nothing>competition just keeps shooting themselves in the footWhat is this civ strategy called?
Portugal makes peace with… Sumer?, which gives us an excuse to look at their empire. It’s fairly respectable, but their options for expansion are fairly limited. The path to beating France runs through Africa.
Berytos is safely in Pakistan’s hands, but Sarepta will be a much harder nut to crack. Pakistan’s best bet at this point is probably suing for peace and hoping they get the city in the peace deal. Personally though, I hope Phoenicia gives away the Eritrean city because that’d be a much better bit.
The Luba-Herero ends in the expected stalemate. However, this really starts to cause us to ask the big questions: if not into Luba, where can Herero expand? How do they continue to build their power? And what can we do to see more boys kissing in our life?
Bjarmia and Kalmar make peace. It was always going to be unrealistic for Bjarmia to cross that mountain range. If Bjarmia is going to expand, it’s going to have to be south, because Myshkin and Margarethe have proven to be too much to handle.
Somehow, Tlingit’s crossbowthem have not proven decisive in this conflict, and Pomo continues to hold against a technologically superior force. I guess that’s grit.
It’s even funnier the second time! Estonia makes another peace deal where they give up Rostock to the Hanseatic League for no reason. Perfection.
Bunuba makes peace with Chono, which lets us see that A: the New South Welsh made no dent into Bunuba hereB: Bunuba is finally fielding carracks and galleasses! Huge for their naval development.
Peace could not have come at a better time for one Chono settler, who was being harried by a Bunuba galleass. While they may have lost an indefensible city, Chono continues to grow their polynesian empire in the hopes that it can help them win in South America- or at least provide them somewhere to escape to.So long, CBR viewers! I am graduating from university in two weeks! Suck it, my haters!
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