Episode 19: Tippu Tip’s Tip-Top Tin Pot Pit and Other Twisted Tales – S5

Release Date:

June 09, 2026

Narrated by:

Aladar

Abstract

Whether you aspire to see the sights, build commercial empires, lead a spiritual flock, physically conceive a literal flock, or simply survive against the odds, episode 19 is one for the dreamers.

Viewing: Vertical

Jump to scene

First time, short time

1 / 0

1: First time, short time

Hello! My name is Aladar, and this is my first attempt at narrating a CBR episode. I’m also the creator of the single least scientific and most pointless statistical metric the sub has ever seen - xLASI! If anyone has any feedback on the narration or xLASI, I’m all ears.

I’ve gone for quite a bit of narrative worldbuilding here. If that’s not your thing, the final paragraph or two of each slide is more straight-up, so you can skip to those.

Please forgive any mistakes, typographic or otherwise.

2: Pomo Woes

The Sub’s premiere Pomologist and comic creator Orangechrisy’s latest creation shows just how rough the Pomo have had it lately.

Perhaps their luck will improve this episode…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Lots of Lazy People

3: Lots of Lazy People

This is a graph of my own making. It shows the Activity Score (AS) of each civ on the Y axis, while on the X axis we see the total population of each civ.

This shows a fairly strong correlation between having a large population and doing a large number of things. Given that settling and taking cities yield significant AS, this is a bit of a chicken-and-egg graph.

We can point and laugh at lazy Pakistan and Teotihuacan though, and note the impressively active Portugal and Lanfang.

4: Blessed Be the Donators

Here’s the list of the most honourable class of human beings in the world - CBRX Ko-Fi supporters. Shoutout Convicted Melon for knowing a good civ when they see one.

5: Gritchaks

As one of the main Kipchak enjoyers I would like to take this opportunity to shine a spotlight on the fact that Togortak has risen 12 positions in the InfoAddict statistical rankings over the last two episodes. In addition, they currently boast the ninth-largest military on the Cylinder.

The fact that this meteoric rise from the ashes has been rewarded by the Power Rankers with a -1 compared to last week’s position is perplexing to me. So there.

Also, these guys are better than the Pomo at standing back up after they get ganged up on time and time again.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Aavo, Slayer of the Ashen Slayers

6: Aavo, Slayer of the Ashen Slayers

Aavo stood atop a pile of dismemberment. His fingers were frozen to the point of uselessness. They scrabbled against dented, ruined steel as he tried fruitlessly to prize open the visor on his mangled helm. On his tongue blood and sweat mingled with the ash which those insane Bjarmian bowmen lather themselves in before battle.

A boulder from the sky slammed into the main square of Vinuskogr, knocking him from his feet. To the east; hoofbeats. The reinforcements would be too late. Aavo had slain dozens, perhaps hundreds of Bjarmians to claim Vinuskogr for Estonia. Would anyone ever even know?

Estonia takes Vinuskogr, and Lennart Meri looks last episode’s narrator QuantumBotany in the eyes and cocks one eyebrow. This should flip, but I think Estonia will hold this city in the long term. Their eastern reinforcements look more than a match for Bjarmia here.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Right place. Wrong time.

7: Right place. Wrong time.

Here’s Jacques Specx! Appropriately enough, he was a Dutch merchant who undertook trade missions to Tokugawa-era Japan. He also went to Korea, where we find him in this screenshot!

Japan looks solid, if unremarkable here. Karymchin looks tempting, but I wouldn’t want to pick a fight with the Itelmen if I were Hideyoshi.

Tang, meanwhile, looks devoid of land units as they often do. They don’t exactly seem poised to make use of those cannons up in the north.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Did you know that Fernando Alonso made his debut in the 1730 Lanfang GP?

8: Did you know that Fernando Alonso made his debut in the 1730 Lanfang GP?

The constant warring and frequent successes of the last few episodes have left Luo Fangbo with a taste for dopamine and adrenaline. Now, things are quiet and the great Lawspeaker is bored, so he’s taken up racing. He orders the construction of a long, twisty strip of road and names it Sepang. Perhaps, one day, people will be able to One perfect Formula of that new-fangled gunpowder stuff and he’ll be able to race a rocket around Sepang, or something.

Lanfang infills a little. While they have plenty of boats, rather too many of them are still relying on oars for propulsion. Luo has one of the healthiest treasuries on the cylinder, so I’m not sure why he’s still sporting any Galleasses at all.

9: The Citydel

Citadels are nothing new, but Taizong just built a new one and he’s so proud of it he’s taken the unprecedented step of actually giving it a name. In a speech from his palace’s balcony, the Tang king announces to the masses that this new fortification shall be known as ‘Handan’. Handan, because he’s “‘bout to be Handan Grukraine their arses on a platter”.

A single voice wafts up from the crowd below; “Huh?”

This innovative citydel combo will make for a great staging post for a future Tang invasion of Green Ukraine. Or, it would if Taizong could spare more than a handful of knights, muskets and cannons for the cause.

10: Traditions.

Do you remember when, back in like episode 5, squadrons of Bunuba swordsmen came flooding across the outback in a time when most people were still figuring out exactly which shape of rock was best to tie to a stick? The descendants of those swordsmen, thousands of years later, are still wielding the exact same swords as their ineffectual ancestors.

That being said, New South Wales isn’t doing much better here. Despite their slow progress, Baraa could be on the cards for them, as Bunuba’s potential pool of reinforcements is running low.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Tippu Tip’s Tip-Top Tin Pot Pit

11: Tippu Tip’s Tip-Top Tin Pot Pit

“Here’s a tip – get tip top tin pots and pans for tipper topper prices at Tippu Tip’s Tip-Top Tin Pot Pit!”

Kal-si-wa, infuriated, tears down one of the thousands of fliers for Tippu Tip’s Tip-Top Tin Pot Pit that have begun to plaster the city walls of E’lem. Not only was the marketing insufferable, the man himself was a war profiteer, capitalising on the scarcity of copper in the region following the Tlingit assault on Po’tol and the Teotihuacan commandeering of the southeastern mines. She sighs, and looks at the crumpled paper in her left hand. Will the wars never end?

This is not news, but things look extremely bad for the Pomo. Spearthrower Owl, who really takes the “Throw” part of his name to heart, has plumped for an invasion force of thousands of crossbows and his friend Dave who has a horse at home. Even then, Dave might just have what it takes to deprive Essie Parish of yet another city.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Pride of Ponca

12: The Pride of Ponca

The Ponca are washed, and at their peak they were only ever wannabes. White Eagle knows it, his people are washed wannabes. But they do have a sense of humour. In the smiley face city of Wain-Xude, they begin to produce a new type of bowman. In an admirable display of self-deprecation, White Eagle looks himself in the mirror and dubs his new creation “Washa’be”.

Time is short for the Ponca Khan. He has to make jokes while he still can.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Sgaanaang Gang

13: The Sgaanaang Gang

Tlingit rifles amass around the city of Behe’pal. Some of them are from the city, and a few drops of Pomo blood yet course in their veins. Not that it matters. The Pomo threaten the glory of Sgaanaang. Their cities must fall to the Tlingit so that Broadcast Totems may be erected at their hearts. The riflers of Behe’pal know this, and they feel no emotion as they watch their wayward cousins to the south scramble to defend themselves.

The Tlingit have riflemen, their unique xaa, cuirassiers, and even a few cannons. The Pomo heartlands may not be long for this world. In northeastern Maka’hmo things look even more immediately dire, even though the Anishinaabeg forces are mostly lacking in gunpowder for the time being.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Triangle of Failure

14: The Triangle of Failure

Some people have been hot on Guaycuru lately because they knocked the Shrimpers around a little. Suddenly, it appears the shrimp has a scorpion’s tail. A credible force is encircling Catu, while Jacu is in no imminent danger whatsoever from the Guay.

Whether Potiguara will reclaim their erstwhile city is unclear. What is clear is that the Guaycuru onslaught has sputtered to a halt.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Slide of Two Halves

15: A Slide of Two Halves

This slide tells two extremely different stories.

On the right hand side, we see an insane fumble. While the initial Chono assault on Caral was indeed devastating, Olleta had failed to restock his forces at the front, and Qhapaq was on the verge of retaking Caballete. Aspero, meanwhile, was under no pressure whatsoever. And that’s not even to mention the naval assault Caral had mounted on Chono’s pacific holdings.

On the left hand side, we see Caral preparing to finally do what they and Chono should have done long ago. Anakena is deep in the red. Prince Hotu Matu’a doesn’t even know. When his brother and chief military advisor Oroi burst into his chambers and tried to tell his prince the terrible news, Hotu didn’t even look at him. Instead, he raised an arm, patted Oroi on the crown of his head before rolling over and snuggling deeper into his myriad blankets. “Snooze, five minutes” were the only words the never-great leader of Rapa Nui could muster.

He was busy dreaming of Uluru.

16: Priorities

Caral’s diplomats have a history of success, almost reaching Tang levels, so the cession of the unthreatened Aspero to the Chono may seem strange. However, inside sources indicate that Qhapaq assembled his finest negotiators and briefed them on the importance of the lands across the sea. “I want an empire” he exclaimed fitfully, “cede Aspero if you must. We must preserve our right to the isle of Danggu at all costs!”

17: Priorities II

Following the war, the Chono still boast quite the fleet. While these ships could have helped in the Pacific theatre of the Caral-Chono war, sending them to the colonies’ aid would have violated the core principals of Chono governance such as “just kinda chilling” and “watching the seals in the bay :)”.

This slide does show us that Chono has a lot left in the tank if they feel like using it.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Sammy’s Revenge

18: Sammy’s Revenge

Sirullah looked on in resignation as a Cebuano caravel careened onto the shoreline and into a small fishing hut he had just finished building. It wasn’t much, but he had been proud of his hut. He’d even mounted a fish above the front door as decoration, which he’d named Sammy.

Sirullah was part of a small group of debtors who, to work off their debts, had been ordered to found a new settlement near to Ternate itself. The official in charge of the expedition had told Sirullah that his role was “strategically vital in preserving our great Sultanate in the face of the northern invaders”.

Sirullah pondered his newfound role as a crucial part of Sultan Balbullah’s strategy. Sammy fell from the shattered doorframe and flopped onto the face of the Cebuano captain. Nice, thought Sirullah.

Foramadiahi predictably falls to Cebu. More Ternate itself has begun to take damage as well, though it will be a couple of turns before Humabon can do more than lob a few rocks at it from the next island over.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Ethiopian Escalations

19: Ethiopian Escalations

“Ow!” Sisera exclaimed, “What did you do that for?!”.

As a veteran knight of the Hyksos army, he had been doing his duty and staring across the border at the Ethiopian knights for a good thirty years by now. Everything had been normal until a few days ago, when some of the Ethiopians had started riding towards Sisera and his friends. Perhaps Apophis had signed an open borders treaty, Sisera figured.

But then, one of the Ethiopian knights had hit Abdikheba in the shoulder with a long pointy stick thing, like really hard. Poor Abdikheba even bled a little.

Now one of the Ethiopians had ridden up to Sisera and hit him in the chest! Luckily Sisera was wearing his armour to keep mosquitos away, but it still hurt.

Ethiopia has made a modicum of progress into Hyksos lands, but with front lines packed with knights and not much else, this war doesn’t seem to be going anywhere fast. Apophis, inexperienced in the art of war, settles the city of Ugarit along the Nile.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hanging on in there

20: Hanging on in there

Maravi is a bit like someone in a film who is hanging off the edge of a cliff by their fingertips. Herero is the antagonist. With every citadel they stomp on Maravi’s fingers, weakening their grip on the African continent.

Seeing as Maravi haven’t had much to shout about in, well, ever, let’s take a moment to appreciate their UU. The Zimba Marauder is a Pikeman replacement, and while it’s not exactly Kolonga Mazula’s ticket back into the game, it does have a really cool model and icon.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Trip Time with Tippu Tip!

21: Trip Time with Tippu Tip!

The Pomo, casting around desperately for anything that might save them, aim to appease their gods by reforming Bole Maru.

The Teotihuacan assault on E’lem is yielding little fruit thus far, while the Tlingit riflers are making heavy work of it up at Kaci’badon. Essie doesn’t have melee units in place to flip Po’tol, but it would be futile even if she did thanks to Tlingit’s naval superiority.

Meantime, Tippu Tip takes a trip to Ta’Tem, tries to set up Tippu Tip’s Tip-Top Tin Pot Pit - Ta’Tem branch.

22: It is done

Once again, Oroi burst into the chambers of Hotu Matu’a. He had to wake his brother, his Prince. He had to warn him.

But when he opened his mouth, it was not words that came out. Instead, the bloodied tip of a Caralian pike protruded from his mouth. Then he crumpled to the floor, dead.

The Caralian pikeman then approached the luxurious four-poster bed where Hotu Matu’a lay. He drew a dagger. The Prince was smiling in his sleep. He knew nothing of the man who had come to end his life. Hotu was dreaming.

Dreaming of Uluru, and what could have been.

Caral seizes Anakena and reduces Rapa Nui, at long last, to 0 cities. However, the eagle eyed among you may have noticed the Rapa Nui settler a few islands away to the West. Perhaps this was what Hotu needed to finally settle the pacific.

23: #tbt

In a move critics are calling “extremely outdated” and “logistically impractical”, Yelu Dashi harkens back to the good old days and hatches a plot against fellow member of the Toxic Thruple Demetrius.

As a diehard Kipchak fan, I welcome this development with open arms. If nothing else, it means that the extremely frightening-looking Qara-Khitai are not plotting against Togortak, at least for the time being.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Avengers: Endgame (as in, the Pomo’s game will soon end)

24: Avengers: Endgame (as in, the Pomo’s game will soon end)

Essie Parrish is telegraphing her plans re: the Tlingit and has chosen a reformation belief called “Judge And Avenger”. While this sounds cool, the ability to purchase certain military buildings and courthouses with faith is unlikely to do much for her in her fight for survival.

25: The Choice

Hotu Matu’a’s dream ended abruptly. He’s awake, properly awake, for the first time in what feels like years. But it’s not his magnificent four-poster bed surrounding him, nor is it that interminable alarm clock that wears his brother’s face. It’s metal, cold steel.

At first, he thought he was alone, but on the other side of this strange, beeping room sits a man silhouetted against a giant, bright screen behind him. The man turns his head to look at Hotu.

“Am I still dreaming?” Asks the Prince of Rapa Nui.

“No, you’re awake. This is reality. I’ve been alone here for quite a while.” The voice was subdued, sad. “What were you dreaming about before?”

The question took Hotu off guard, “Oh. Well, I was dreaming about the most amazing thing. There’s a huge, magnificent red rock somewhere out there. The first group of settlers I ever had sent back missives about it. I’ve been captivated by it ever since.” He sighed. “I wish I could have seen it while I was… still there…”

“Well, I’d say you have two options. You can take a seat here with me, and see your rock on the big screen. Or, you can jump back in there and go and see it for yourself.”

“Can you do that?” asked Hotu in wonder.

“Of course,” Hotu’s eyes adjusted, and the rotting visage of Sho Shin sharpened into view before him, “I did it myself.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Opportunity Knocks

26: Opportunity Knocks

All of a sudden, Anishinaabe’s conquests look devoid of defenders. With the combination of their UUs, some trebuchets, low city defence scores and the distracted Anishinaabeg forces, Ponca could realistically snag a couple of cities back if they declared war right now. They won’t, of course. But they could.

Karankawa may have been reduced to a one city rump, but at least they still have one megaboat.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Mission: Uluru

27: Mission: Uluru

Hotu awoke again. There was no metal, no zombified world leader, no beeping. He was on a seashore, an unfamiliar one.

“My Prince, what has happened?” A Matato’a warrior stood over him, holding out a hand.

Hotu took it, and hauled himself to his feet. “Anakena is fallen, but it matters not. I must see the red rock with my own eyes. I must see it while there is still time.”

The warrior looked around nervously, confused. “V- very well, my Prince. While we uh, while we work on that, may I have the honour of welcoming you to your newest city, Mataveri.” They gestured at the collection of ramshackle buildings dotted along the coastline.

Janos Hunyadi, standing aboard a Caralian frigate, looks through a sextant at the pitiful settlement he had been tasked with attacking “for the glory of our overseas empire”. He spat. He was better suited for defending his homeland against the onslaughts of invaders. He should have been at Caballete. Instead he was here. Qhapaq’s name escaped his lips as a whispered curse.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Pale Blue Imitation

28: Pale Blue Imitation

Despite the Itelmen’s scientific comeback as a result of the broken tenets of Sgaanaang, they are still sporting a navy composed primarily of triremes. Could money be the issue? Sure, their treasury isn’t exactly bursting at the seams, but nor does a singular moth emerge from Harchin’s wallet when he opens it.

Across the Bering Strait, the Tlingit are busy infilling where they can. For the Tlingit, “where they can” means “only on the coast”. That settler is threatening to obliterate the customs house upon which they stand. Also of note is the surprising concentration of Tlingit ships within the Arctic Circle.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of An Empire of Grain

29: An Empire of Grain

The birthrate in Pakistan has created significant pressures on the farming and food industries there. A young Pakistani man by the name of Henri Nestle grew up in the metropolis of Lyallpur. His family home was near the southern gate, and as a boy he watched the seemingly infinite stream of grain carts process into the city to support its swelling masses.

What if, Henri pondered, what if someone set up bakeries among the farmsteads themselves? Wouldn’t it be better, more efficient to produce the final product onsite, and *then* transport it to the cities of Pakistan?

Just a few years later and Henri has built himself a veritable empire of these bakeries, each one more massive than any bakery anyone had seen before. Now, when he went to his old home in Lyallpur, it was an infinite stream of *his* baked goods which processed into the city. It was *he* who nourished the people of Pakistan.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Balbullah, the Pathetically Apathetic

30: Balbullah, the Pathetically Apathetic

Cebu’s assault on the city of Ternate is progressing well. The Ternate themselves are putting up remarkably little of a fight. It’s not like they couldn’t do more if they wanted, they’ve got some pretty serious ships further south. But it seems that the capital city of his Sultanate is of little interest to Balbullah. Maybe he’s found better cloves further south.

In Foramadiahi, it turns out that the Cebuano captain has a great sense of humour. He had demanded his men find the person whose fish-face prank he had fallen into. Sirullah had thought of running, but where would he even run to? So he allowed himself to be found. To his surprise, the captain, roaring with laughter, clapped Sirullah on the back and appointed him the governor of the Cebuano puppet council charged with managing the day-to-day of the city. Sammy the fish now sits upon the doorframe not of Sirullah’s meagre hut, but of the town hall of Foramadiahi.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Auspicious Beginnings

31: Auspicious Beginnings

Pontiac, when asked by his advisors what he would like his newest island settlement to be called, was uncertain. When pressed, he sarcastically vented his frustration, “Psshh, ahh, Best Town?”. His advisors, not wanting to test his patience further, nodded and shuffled from the room.

The emptiness seen earlier in the southern reaches of Pontiac’s Episcopal Empire is mirrored on the north, at least on land. Luckily for the Anishinaabe, the Tlingit forces are thin on the snow-covered ground as well. If anyone could try to capitalise, it would be Tadodaho of the Onondaga, but we all know that won’t happen. He’s too busy trying to find a way through the mysterious black curtain north of Sganawadih. In his heart, he knows there are bountiful, verdant expanses on the other side. If only he could get to them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Heavy is the Head that wears the “Least Awful Civ in Eastern South America” Tiara

32: Heavy is the Head that wears the “Least Awful Civ in Eastern South America” Tiara

This slide really demonstrates the reversal of fortunes between Potiguara and Guaycuru in the Gua Wars. Potiguara has Catu en-semi-circled, and they’ve begun to chip away at its defences. The Guaycuru forces have mostly perished, and now much of what remains to defend the north is siege machinery.

It’s funny, when Potiguara was the favourite in this fight, Guaycuru emerged victorious. Now the tables are turned and Guaycuru is in the ascendancy, it is the Shimpers of Potiguara who have built an advantage.

Xavante, on the back of their most active episode of the season so far (where they registered a WHOPPING 18 Activity Score), could press their advantage and use the retaken city of Wedeze to mount an assault on the sparsely defended Guaycuru capital. But they won’t.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Three Things in (Qhapaq’s) Life are Certain

33: Three Things in (Qhapaq’s) Life are Certain

Qhapaq knows three things beyond all doubt:

1 - That his overseas settlements are where the game will be won and lost.

2 - That it’s very important to go into the Aesthetics social policy tree in a domination game.

3 - That it’s vital he maximises his culture output, so that he can get to the bottom of the Aesthetics tree faster. If he gets enough culture, maybe he can invest in the Patronage tree too.

With these three certainties in his mind, Qhapaq orders the construction of Uffizi in his Papuan holdings at Hanga Piko.

This wonder is not very useful at all in the CBRX. It scores a 3/10, which means he only gets +4 Activity Score towards lowering his xLASI.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Feeling the Squeeze

34: Feeling the Squeeze

Oh man. That’s rough buddy.

Not only has Ma’in been citadelled down to just 9 total tiles, three of which are out of workable range, both Estonia and Ethiopia have declared war on them. This doesn’t mean much yet, but it might be a sign that a coalition is brewing. If Sumer and/or Phoenicia jump in on that, this could be curtains for Waqah’il Sadiq.

Over in the west, the Ethiopians are making glacial progress against the baffled forces of Hyksos.

35: Booooring

A peace deal with Lanfang allows us a look at the cylinder’s other squeeze toy, Pegu. One advantage of your mid neighbors stealing your land is that your strong neighbour has a narrower route of attack.

The logistical difficulties inherent in any attempt to invade Dagon by the one-tile-wide path available have rendered this conflict an inadequate source of adrenaline and dopamine for Lawspeaker Luo Fangbo. Thus, he has called the whole thing off. Any gunpowder near the Pegu front is to be sent to Sepang, where Luo has found a couple of likeminded scientists willing to strap small rockets to horses.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of How to Fight Wars Horrendous

36: How to Fight Wars Horrendous

The Bunuba have got pretty good fundamentals. They’ve got solid tech, they’re routinely one of the least lazy civs on the cylinder, they settle reasonably well.

Unfortunately, Jandamarra is one of the worst military strategists around. Look at that assault on Jijidu. The man may as well be loading his crossbowmen into trebuchets and launching them into the city walls. Meanwhile, the defence force of Darlngunaya consists of a trebuchet, and essentially nothing else. With those crossbows in the west, Jandamarra would stand a chance of defending Darlngunaya, and perhaps that trebuchet could be useful in an assault of Jijidu. Alas, his incompetence knows no bounds.

Still, New South Wales are splitting their assault between two cities here, so perhaps the Bunuba will emerge unscathed after all.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Jandamarra Stays Losing

37: Jandamarra Stays Losing

A few thousand kilometres to the east and the Bunuba are losing a war here too. A compact but effective Chono taskforce has been granted a break from their strenuous seal-gazing duties to mount a successful targeted assault on Kurnangki.

The open warfare in the Pacific has scuppered Hotu’s planned pilgrimage to Uluru thus far. Hearing of his plans, Jacob Morenga is inexplicably infuriated, and declares war, swearing that Hotu Matu’a will not see the red rock as long as he lives.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Rage of Apophis

38: The Rage of Apophis

A few weeks ago, Apophis had received word from the Ethiopian front. A noble knight by the name of Sisera had come to his court in Avaris and spoke of the shocking brutality of the Ethiopians.

By the time Sisera removed his shoulder plating to show Apophis his bruise, Apophis was already apoplectic with rage. How *dare* they. Sisera spoke of an Ethiopian knight making a knight of Hyksos bleed *real blood*. What animals, what barbarism had overtaken this beautiful, peaceful world of almighty Atum’s creation?

Galvanised, infuriated, Apophis screamed out for vengeance, it mattered not against whom. The whole world must pay for the unspeakable crimes of the Knights of Ethiopia. The Phoenician ambassador made to scurry quietly from the throne room. He was seized, and put to death on the spot.

The whole world must pay.

The next day, the Aures-born military advisor to Apophis quietly made peace with the Ethiopians. It was not a good thing to fight on two fronts. She was sure that Apophis wouldn’t notice.

The Hyksos and the Aures declare war on Phoenicia. Just glancing at the Mediterranean here shows that Phoenicia could be in some real trouble. Meanwhile, Ethiopia and the Hyksos make peace.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of An Exercise in Futility

39: An Exercise in Futility

It would have been difficult for Ethiopia to get much out of this war, and peace seems like a sensible choice. However, it does rather feel as though a stalemate all-but-guarantees that these two middle powers of Africa will never be truly relevant.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Red Rock Music

40: Red Rock Music

Rock band The Velvet Underground made their name in Tlingit lands, but they wanted to spread their sound as far and wide as they could. Someone had told them about a glorious red rock of incomprehensible size in New South Wales. They had decided to seek it out; it sounded like a great place for a concert.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Tadodaho is a Steppeaboo

41: Tadodaho is a Steppeaboo

Deep down, the soldiers of Onodaga feel that they should have spawned on the Eurasian Steppe. They could have fit right in with the Kipchaks, Qara-Khitai and the Rouran. Instead they are a North American outlier, an army of mounted knights in a world of gunpowder and archery.

Worth noting that the eponymous capital city of Onondaga has a shockingly low 9 population. This may even fall further, as the new infill settlement of Sehawi has further reduced the capital’s workable tile count.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of An Unspeakable Act

42: An Unspeakable Act

Forces loyal to Balbullah had conducted a surprise assault on Foramadiahi. There, they found a Ternatean man by the name of Sirullah administering the settlement on behalf of the invaders. And traitors are not tolerated.

When the Cebuano captain came to check on Sirullah’s progress, he was welcomed instead by soldiers of Ternate. They were light work, but when he sought out Sirullah at the town hall for an explanation, he saw the man’s headlessless body strewn across the steps.

But he wasn’t headless, not quite. Where Sirullah’s head had been, there was instead the head of a fish, a familiar fish.

Dread flooded his veins with icy blood, and the captain raised his eyes towards the top of the city hall’s doorframe…

What he saw there meant that he would never rest until the forces of Balbullah had been banished from the cylinder once and for all.

The Cebuano recapture the flipped Foramadiahi, while they ramp up the pressure on the Ternatean capital. Humabon demonstrates his extreme competence once more, and Balbullah is on his knees.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of More Like BYEram I ‘the Brave’, Khan of the Phoenician Horde

43: More Like BYEram I ‘the Brave’, Khan of the Phoenician Horde

Israel Putnam feels that he simply must conquer the Levant. He’s not exactly sure why, but he’s been trying to convince Ismail Berzeg to initiate a fresh attack on the Phoenicians for years. Now, his time has finally come. Maybe they’ll even name a small town after him or something.

The core of Phoenicia is now in extreme danger. Naval attacks from the Hyksos combined with a land invasion by the Circassians seems to spell nought but doom for Hiram, even if Ismail has been a little slow in getting his forces to the border.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Unbothered, Thriving

44: Unbothered, Thriving

Yanomami is another civ who posted their most active episode yet in Episode 18. Here in Episode 19 they’re trying to keep up that momentum by infilling where they can. After a scare at the hands of Xaragua and the Portuguese, it looks like Davi Kopenawa will be able to maintain his borders after all.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Totemic Times: “Ta’Tem, Tippu Tip in Trouble - Tlingit, Teotihuacan to Triumph?”

45: The Totemic Times: “Ta’Tem, Tippu Tip in Trouble - Tlingit, Teotihuacan to Triumph?”

Spearthrower Owl’s mate Dave had to pick up his kids from Mesoamerican Ballgame practice, so he went home. This forced the Teotihuacan military policymakers to come up with a plan B - two melee units. With Ta’Tem at half health, this revolutionary approach seems to be paying dividends.

Tippu Tip has been forced to take refuge inside a citadel after a coalition of Pomo basket-weavers stormed Tippu Tip’s Tip-Top Tin Pot Pit in Ta’Tem. His metal containers were a threat to their proud industry, and his relentless profiteering and infuriating marketing had left him with few willing to defend him.

As expected, things are looking yet grimmer for Pomo. If you squint at the very top of the slide, you can see that the Tlingit have frustrated Anishinaabeg ambitious by taking the Pomo city of Maka’hmo.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Scattergunning Wonders

46: Scattergunning Wonders

Sheiyksh I looooves a wonder. While he tends to be smarter about it than Anacaona of the Xaragua, he is not immune to the occasional dud. Harmandir Sahib is a 3/10 wonder which grants some faith and culture from merchant specialists.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Symbolic Literacy is Important

47: Symbolic Literacy is Important

Logan, a New South Welsh Pikeman, was about to storm the city of Darlngunaya when he saw a banner flying above the city. It bore news; a burgundy-on-pink civilisation had made peace with an orange-on-burgundy one. He couldn’t believe it - all this effort and MacArthur bloody goes and makes peace before the final push?

Dejected, he shouldered his pike and turned around. It would be a few hours before word spread around camp that the peace had been between Herero and Mysore. But those few hours were enough for the Bunuba defenders to regroup before the assault. Just his luck.

Darlngunaya, despite the cunning deceit of its citizens, is about to fall. The Bunuban crossbow charge on Jijidu has ended in a predictable fashion.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Ternatean Whispers

48: Ternatean Whispers

As cannonballs fly through the air in the city of Ternate, so do rumours. The besieged Ternateans have taken to telling increasingly tall tales to while away the painful, hunger-filled days.

The latest story told of a man with the head of a shark who had liberated the city of Foramadiahi from the Cebuano invaders. Other versions of the story said the head was that of an octopus, or a lobster, or that the monstrous hero was actually a Cebuano villain.

Ternate falls to the red, as Balbullah continues to misallocate his military resources to the defence of Foramadiahi rather than his capital. It is only a matter of time before the amphibious Timawa UUs slither their way into the Sultanate’s capital.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hardship Posting

49: Hardship Posting

Fyodor Ushakov, much like the Caralian Janos Hunyadi, is cursing the name of his immortal leader. Harchin, in his infinite wisdom, has given Ushakov command of 7 Itelmen triremes, all of which are stuck in the middle of the ocean until such a time as open borders can be agreed upon with Japan.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Someone Buy him the Book

50: Someone Buy him the Book

Here is Jandamarra proving the point that he’s pretty good at everything that isn’t military strategy. He makes peace with Marin Olleta of the Chono without giving up any further cities in the deal, despite the Chono’s overwhelming military advantage both in the Pacific theatre and overall. For Olleta, Kurnangki makes a fine addition to his collection of pacific island outposts.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Advance of the Warrior Queen

51: Advance of the Warrior Queen

Amina of the Zazzau surprised many pundits by successfully taking Kerouane off the Wassoulou last episode. Now she looks to go one better, and knocks forcefully on the door of Bissandugu, the Wassoulou capital.

Samori Ture may be ejected from the Cylinder sooner rather than later. That’s fine though, it will give him more time to practice his route tree for the Philadelphia Eagles.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Another W for the People’s Champ

52: Another W for the People’s Champ

Humabon threatened to seize the city of Ternate way back towards the start of the game. Back then he just had a few triremes, but he came close. Now, after a protracted siege, he has finally claimed the Jewel of the Sultanate as his own. He contemplates stopping, consolidating his gains. But his new chief naval commander is insistent - the Ternateans must be crushed.

Balbullah doesn’t need to flee. He had long since abandoned the de jure capital and moved his court to Sidangoli. He is, however, starting to really sweat. Timawa soldiers march over the horizon.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Bjarmi Army Can’t Take Jarve

53: The Bjarmi Army Can’t Take Jarve

The Bjarmians, feeling the heat from the Estonian attacks, have developed a new military stratagem. It's called “fortify in place and get shot at”. So far, it’s a roaring success!

Kohtla-Jarve is scratched, but barely. The Estonian forces seem more likely to march on Vina and Gandvik than to defend their own lands, so it’s possible that the Bjarmians may push through here by sheer weight of numbers.

In the west, Vinuskogr seems to be firmly in Lennart Meri’s grasp. A monument to the Estonian heroes who fell taking the city is erected, but no names are inscribed thereupon.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Flaming Retribution

54: Flaming Retribution

The New South Welsh seize Darlngunaya. As punishment for their deceitful tactics, the city’s residents are forced to watch their homes burn as MacArthur orders the settlement razed.

New South Wales still has a little gas in the tank, but not much. Jandamarra has pumped out some more defenders for his remaining cities as well. This war will probably be nothing but a meatgrinder until its conclusion.

Now that the fighting in the region has died down, Uluru is open to tourists again. Excitedly, an envoy of Rapa Nui stationed in the desert town of Sorell pens a letter to tell his Prince the good news!

55: Faded Dreams

But when the letter arrives, there is no prince left to receive it.

Hotu Matu’a of Rapa Nui is eliminated, and finishes in 60th position in the CBRX Season 5. He was a leader who dared to dream, and to dream you need to sleep, so that’s exactly what he did for 99% of the game.

Rapa Nui will go down as one of the silliest and least effective civs in the history of the CBR. From day one, they were unfocused and insistent on making incomprehensible moves. But that also made them, if not a fan favourite, then a kind of curiosity for people to gawk at.

Hotu will spend the rest of the season sitting alongside Sho Shin, watching the slides change on the big screen, always hoping that the next will yield him a glimpse of the object of his dreams.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Is that an Aures worker?

56: Is that an Aures worker?

The Potiguaran siege of Catu is going every bit as poorly as you might expect of Felipe Camarao’s forces. Surprisingly, a two-ship sortie against Laguna Los Paces is yielding marginally more success. With both ships at half health, it is doomed to fail. If only Felipe had, I dunno, 12 spare Galleasses laying around to help with the mission. Oh well.

The Guaycuru seem equally reluctant to commit any ships to this naval skirmish, to the extent that the Great Admiral Fuma Kotaro is mounting a defence of Laguna Los Paces without so much as a dinghy to command.

To celebrate the arrival of Hotu Matu’a aboard the submarine, a golden age is declared.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Bactria Could Never

57: Bactria Could Never

Circassia has a rare opportunity to actually use the modest navy they have built in the Caspian in the form of the siege of Sarepta. Naturally, Ismail Berzeg orders his sailors to queue behind an embarked swordsman instead.

Despite this, the Circassian offensive looks like it should claim Sarepta with relative ease. Berzeg’s troops look to be making progress against Phoenicia in the south-west as well.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of This Slide is Actually About the Kipchaks

58: This Slide is Actually About the Kipchaks

In “Oh right, I guess I kinda forgot that was happening” news, Dihya and Robespierre make peace. The packed nature of the Mediterranean meant that the Aures never stood much chance of doing serious damage to Bordeaux.

For his part, Robespierre has *technically* dealt with simultaneous invasions on three fronts. Exactly how impressive this feat really is, I’ll let you all be the judges.

Of significance to nobody but myself, I believe this is the first sighting of the singular Kipchak trireme who was forcibly ejected from the Caspian several episodes ago by border expansions. My white whale is slain.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Frozen Conflict, Frozen Peace

59: Frozen Conflict, Frozen Peace

Another peace deal in a war with an extremely narrow front comes in as the Itelmen and the Rouran call it quits. I wonder just how many units were sent to their frozen deaths in an attempt to attack Chakazhuzh or Kyllush.

While the wriggling riders have been rendered obsolete, the Rouran are sporting a few Nönörs in this slide. Surprisingly, the Rouran forces here look exactly as outdated as those of Green Ukraine.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Cannot Beat the Yan Lifida

60: Cannot Beat the Yan Lifida

Amina is making stunningly effective use of her UU, the Yan Lifida, a knight with a reduced combat penalty against cities. Bissandugu is all the way in the red, and Sanankoro is at half. The Zazzau force isn’t huge, but it’s certainly effective.

Samori Ture has built three settlers in the hopes that Amina will burn down his cities, leaving him room to pull off his patented mitosis-manvouevre. Perhaps he should have built a few more military units instead.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Counter-Attack

61: The Counter-Attack

When Balbullah was brought news of the fall of his city, he was furious. “We cannot let these invaders take our most precious lands without a fight. Organise a counter-attack, NOW!” He barked at his advisors.

“Well, we will need more ships, my Sultan…”

“SHIPS? Why would we need ships? Build land units.”

“But, my Sultan, we have nowhere to land our forces near Ternate, there’s a Scottish scout who won’t budge…”

“WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT TERNATE” bellowed the Sultan, “SEND A RELIEF FORCE TO FORAMADIAHI THIS INSTANT!”

The advisors, in unison, sighed. Balbullah had heard the tales of the Shark-headed hero of Foramadiahi and was hell-bent on bringing him to Sidangoli to defend the new Ternatean capital.

Cebu has a pretty firm grip on Ternate, though depending on turn order Balbullah might be able to flip it once. Humabon has begun to put pressure on Sidangoli, showing no signs of letting up. Foramadiahi appears destined to flip for all eternity.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Don’t Call it a Comeback

62: Don’t Call it a Comeback

Essie Parrish has, somehow, regained control of Po’tol. It won’t last long, but the Pomo population will take any kind of morale-boosting victory they can get at this point.

In Kaci’badon, Sheiyksh I’s forces are whittling away at the city walls. Ta’Tem is set to fall, or it would be if not for the two Pomo longswordsmen holding the line, blocking the passage of the Teotihuacano knights. Once Spearthrower Owl can sneak one through, the city will be his.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Green and Pleasant Lands

63: Green and Pleasant Lands

Anacaona’s Queendom is, frankly, a lovely place to live. The cultural arts are flourishing, the grass is green, and the times are peaceful.

However, the Xaraguan fleet has dwindled significantly following the abortive attack on the Yanomami. If Anacaona isn’t careful, the tranquil atmosphere of her island(s) paradise may be abruptly torn to pieces at the hands of her neighbours.

64: One-Two Punch

Bissandugu and Sanankoro fall in sequence, and neither is put to the torch. All of a sudden, Samori Ture is left with one sole refuge, and even that is under serious pressure from the Zazzau fleet.

Admittedly, there are a couple of swordsmen in place to flip the Wassoulou capital, but this land belongs to Amina now. Honestly, she thoroughly deserves it.

Now, let’s contemplate what might happen if she turned the wrath of those Yan Lifida to the north…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Apophletic Fury

65: Apophletic Fury

The former Ma’in city of Kaminahu is the first target of the newly-energised and enraged Apophis. If the city does fall, it will likely turn into a protracted flipfest which drains the resources of both Phoenicia and the Hyksos.

Further north, the Cricassians are flooding into Phoenician territory, but they are yet to leave a mark on any of Hiram’s cities.

Sumer should join in here, even if they have to deal with Seychelles in the south. This is their final chance to salvage even a fraction of relevance. A general actually, proposed this to Eannatum - he told the general to read the shirt.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Charge of the Pale Brigade

66: Charge of the Pale Brigade

Kaci’badon falls as a glorious cuirassier charge sweeps through the entire region, vanquishing every Pomo defender left standing. The Tlingit waste no time in setting up a Sgaanaang Broadcast Totem, through which spiritually-derived messages can be transmitted back to the capital.

The Pomo have settled a new city in the vain hope that their conquerors may not notice. The Tlingit army is at the gates of Co’kadjal, and Essie Parrish can do little but look on in horror as the realm she built to honour the spirits of Bole Maru crumbles around her.

Tippu Tip sits in a lake. He notices that, with the fall of Kaci’badon, this lake is the only way to get from the capital to the city of Catca’mkau. Did somebody say: “toll bridge”?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Opportunity Slips Away

67: Opportunity Slips Away

Demetrius of Bactria finds the flattest plot of land he can, and names it after a mountain range.

Looking at the state of play here, I fear the Kipchaks have missed their moment. They’ve slowly been building up a top 10 military on the Cylinder in the last few episodes (at least in terms of numbers). The Bactrians had been one of their two truly viable targets, but Demetrius has clearly given the order to replenish the Bactrian army as well. Worse still, the Bactrians have researched machinery and the crossbows which come with it.

It’s fine though. What I *really* want Togortak to do is punish the hubris of the Scythians, whose lands lie bare of defenders.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Queen of Clean

68: Queen of Clean

Amina has decided that she isn’t interested in taking a massive diplomatic hit in return for a tiny, irrelevant settlement on the western coast of Africa. So, she’s magnanimously offered Samori Ture peace. Ture, keen to prolong his life, readily accepts the terms.

This has been an enormously successful and potentially game-saving war for Zazzau. Don’t get me wrong, it will still take a lot of work from here, and Dihya could roll over and crush Amina’s Queendom at any moment, but two good cities and a third mid one is nothing to sniff at. It’s not like Zazzau has any neighbours worth worrying about (apart from Aures).

The Wassoulou, despite it all, remain optimistic. They’ve always had more heart than most civs would in their situation. Nothing demonstrates this better than the fact that every single land tile that Samori Ture owns has a settler on it. You never know.

69: The Good Life

Pontiac has had a very active few episodes, and he’s decided its time for a rest. He makes his way down to Tangouaen, his favourite city, and orders his people to build him an enormous, luxuriant pleasure palace. In no time at all, the industrious citizens of Tangouen realise his dream. They call it; Versailles.

This wonder gets a 6/10, not for its +5 to culture, but for its 50% extension to We Love the King Day celebrations.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of History is Written by the Victors

70: History is Written by the Victors

A Bjarmian swordsman, standing in the main square of Vinuskogr, hacks furiously at the monument the southerners had erected there. Once the job is done and the disgrace stands no more, the Bjarmians build something new in its place. A statue. A statue of a mounted Bjarmian Knight crushing a heavily armoured, fleeing Estonian warrior beneath the hooves of his horse. Coarse, runic letters are etched into the Estonian’s armour. They spell out the words “Aavo the Spineless”.

Any previous statements to the effect of “it looks like the Estonians have solidified their hold on Vinuskogr” were clearly a joke and should have been disregarded as such. The Bjarmian forces around Kohtla-Jarve are in reasonable shape, but they are vulnerable to bombardment from two frigates, a city, and a crossbowman.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of To the Victor go the Spoil Heaps

71: To the Victor go the Spoil Heaps

Darlngunaya is no more. The New South Welsh army stands atop piles of rubble and ash as they ponder their next move.

In Sorell, an envoy from Rapa Nui waits. First patiently, then anxiously, then distraught. If Hotu hasn’t replied to the news that Uluru is open to tourists, it can only mean one thing. One day, after months of dwindling hope, the envoy puts down his quill, finds a scythe, and heads out into the fields to work.

NSW’s troops are not very well placed here, nor are they plentiful enough to pose any further immediate threat to the Bunuba.

72: Elevenses

Joao looks south. Amina has left some food on the table, and breakfast was a while ago.

Even the most optimistic citizen of Wassoulou’s faith in the future is shaken by the Portuguese declaration of war. To be perfectly honest, Kankan is a meagre prize, but it’s also a much more realistic prospect than the Yanomami cities Joao was angling for earlier.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The War of the Horn

73: The War of the Horn

On paper, the Seychellois declaration of war on Zara Yaqob of Ethiopia is a perfectly logical step. Ethiopia has some decent cities, multiple wonders, and the Seychelles have certainly outstripped them technologically.

However, things may not be quite that simple. Ethiopia is entirely landlocked, and the Seychelles have far more navy than army. What’s more, France-Albert is busy low-key bungling what should be a simple conquest of the Sumerians. Whether these factors will make any difference once the Ethiopian knights and longswords feel the force of a Seychellois musket, only time will tell.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Ta’Tem Topples to Teotihuacan

74: Ta’Tem Topples to Teotihuacan

Shajar al-Durr was deeply frustrated with her performance as the leader of the Mamluks in CBRX Season 4. She had failed to do much of note, and hers was perhaps the single least memorable showing in the whole season. She wanted a fresh chance to make an impact on the Cylinder, so she lobbied on the Sub to be allowed to re-enter the frey as a general.

The good news is that she was successful, the bad news was that she drew a spot with Teotihuacan, one of the sleepier civs. When, during a strategy meeting, Spearthrower Owl announced that the invasion of Pomo would be conducted by some guy with a horse, Shajar was appalled. Was she doomed to irrelevancy again?

No. She couldn’t be. She dug in her heels. She took on greater powers and responsibilities from within. Finally, she was trusted to lead the attack on Ta’tem. When the city fell before her she released a scream of relief. She had finally done *something*.

Ta’tem falls to Teotihuacan, and it looks like Essie will spend valuable resources flipping it rather than committing to the defence of her capital from the looming spectre of Sheiyksh I.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Drawing the Short Seal’s Whisker

75: Drawing the Short Seal’s Whisker

Despite the increased infilling opportunities provided by the city settle distance mod, civs have still been eager to establish arctic, and in this case antarctic, refuges.

The Chono settlement of Guafo is the latest such venture. That knight must be cursing their luck. Couldn’t they have been stationed in a pacific island colony instead?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of “Who Shall my Donatello Be?”

76: “Who Shall my Donatello Be?”

To be blunt, Cosimo hated it here. He loved nothing more than the arts. He had enormous wealth, and he desperately wanted to commission sculptures, murals, anything really - so long as it was beautiful.

But the Kipchaks didn’t have time for beauty. Cultural matters were extremely low on Togortak’s list of priorities. What use was a horseman carved from marble when you could invest in the real thing instead?

The Bactrians have settled another city at the centre of their desert lands, though this one is less ironically named. The Kipchaks, to my chagrin, still lack crossbows. To make matters worse, there’s a Scythian musketman on the border. Ugh.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of All According to Labɛn (Labɛn means plan)

77: All According to Labɛn (Labɛn means plan)

The Portuguese navy has forced its way into Kankan, and Samori Ture has fled to the hinterlands. He turns back to look at his last city, torn from his grasp and burning. Wait… burning! There was yet hope!

Samori Ture has three settlers and three swordsmen left to his name. It’s not quite over yet, but the chances of him surviving the episode are slim to none. His only hope is to keep at least one settler alive, and resettle the city as soon as the Portuguese have finished razing it. Can he pull it off?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I wasn’t familiar with the Seychelles (questionable) game

78: I wasn’t familiar with the Seychelles (questionable) game

I didn’t see the vision before, but I see it now. By declaring war on Ethiopia, France-Albert has opened up an extra tile or two with which he can mount an assault on Manhiyat. What a stroke of genius!

Manhiyat is taken to the yellow, but the Phoenician fleet of Caravels is well placed to initiate an interminable flipfest if needs be.

Over on the Sumerian frontier, the Seychellois are really having a tough time. I like Eannatum, but he’s posed way more problems for the Seychelles than he has any right to. I’m sure we won’t take any cities, but it’s a bit embarrassing for France-Albert nonetheless.

Much further north, the Hyksos continue to exact retribution on the Ethiopians by throwing themselves rabidly at the Phoenicians. It makes sense.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of “Two Injured in Whale Attack at Yaguana - Here’s Why Davi Kopenawa is to Blame”

79: “Two Injured in Whale Attack at Yaguana - Here’s Why Davi Kopenawa is to Blame”

Reports indicate a whale was tossed ashore at Yaguana by a storm. Two Xaraguans are apparently injured, with one requiring a two-hour hospital visit. More on this story as it develops.

This war has had little effect other than eviscerating the fleets of both Xaragua and the Yanonmami. Theoretically, this leaves the door wide open for Teotihuacan to capitalise. Given Spearthrower Owl’s penchant for slumber, such a move will likely remain in the realm of theory.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of “Espace Vide” didn’t have the same ring to it

80: “Espace Vide” didn’t have the same ring to it

France-Albert gets in on the ironic city name game, settling “Flowery Mountain” in Antarctica. He had to range far and wide to find the perfect plot of land for the bit. He doesn’t regret it, though I would imagine that knight does.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Tang Historical Society’s 1st Annual Naval Reenactment

81: The Tang Historical Society’s 1st Annual Naval Reenactment

A group of Tang naval history enthusiasts learned of a group of trapped and obsolete Itelmen triremes and saw an opportunity to stage a grand reenactment of the naval battle of yore. They invited the Cebuano, the masters of trireme warfare, to act as consultants. With their help, they could ensure the utmost historical veracity of their performance.

When he was approached for the role of commander of the Itelmen forces, Fyodor Ushakov hurled himself overboard. He was last seen doggy paddling furiously in the direction of the Itelmen capital.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Pomo, soon to be no mo’

82: Pomo, soon to be no mo’

The Pale Brigade has immediately uncovered Essie’s “secret” settlement of Kowi’cal and lain siege to it. Catca’mkau is in the yellow and taking cannon fire, Ta’tem may flip once, and only once, more, and Co’kadjal itself has begun to take damage. Of the Pomo’s remaining cities, only E’lem is unscathed - for now.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Someone forgot to say “green light”

83: Someone forgot to say “green light”

Lapu-Lapu is a Great General, he even has the badge to prove it - which was given to him by Felipe Camarao himself, by the way!

But that doesn’t make him a *good* general. In fact, judging by his botched siege of Catu, he’s nowhere near.

Despite having had their former city mostly encircled for this whole episode, the Potiguarans have made precisely 0 inroads. It’s like the whole war has been frozen in time and space for the last 15 turns. Even though they’ve had ample time to do so, the Guaycuru haven’t done much in the way of producing units to defend themselves either. Just pathetic all round.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Forgotten War

84: The Forgotten War

If, like me, you forgot that this war was even going on, don’t worry! We aren’t the only ones. Herr Wullenwever himself appears to have forgotten about it as well.

There is little to note about this war. The Wallachian forces have undertaken minor plundering raids into Hanseatic lands. Small skirmishes have taken place between these raiders and the Hansa’s patrolling soldiers. Vlad has built a fair few of his Lefegii UU, but his chariots per capita is far too high for the Wallachian army to be considered a genuine threat by anybody.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hong Bao’s Adventuring Party

85: Hong Bao’s Adventuring Party

A small delegation of Tang privateers, frigates, pikes and cannons have been given to the charge of Hong Bao. A messenger from the great Taizong bore him an enigmatic missive. His orders were to “see that it is done”, whatever that meant.

Ever since, Hong Bao has been sailing from port to port completing sidequests in the hopes that one of them is the “it” he was required to complete.

Ternate seems to be running low on melee units with which to foment the destruction of Foramadiahi. The Chono city of Quellon is empty as ever, begging the question; “How did Qhapaq not take that in the CC war?”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Someone Get Pontiac a Cognitive Test

86: Someone Get Pontiac a Cognitive Test

Pontiac has been relaxing to the max at his new palace of Versailles. It’s got to the point where senior Anishinaabeg military officials have begun to worry about him. He hasn’t emerged from the palace in months, and almost nobody has been allowed to see him.

Then, word comes from deep within the luxurious halls. Theocrat Pontiac has issued a declaration organising the Anishinaabe into a Theocratic State. When they receive the news, his generals exchange concerned glances. They already *were* a Theocratic State - they had been for hundreds and hundreds of years. What mind-addling substances was their great leader taking in that accursed place?

The Anishinaabe declare themselves a Theocratic State. They already did this in episode 10, slide 8.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Devastation is Opportunity

87: Devastation is Opportunity

Here we get a better look at the Cebuano-Ternatean conflict. Balbullah, previously unconcerned with the fall of his capital, is really shaking in his boots now. Sidangoli, where had chosen to reside, is under heavy pressure and looks liable to fall in the next couple of turns. Worse yet, his counterattack to reclaim Foramadiahi has bogged down entirely.

Word spreads around Cebu that the war is all but won. Prophets, merchants, traders and migrant workers all flood southwards in droves, hoping to become rich, great, or simply just useful rebuilding the war torn Ternatean homeland.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wife guy, underdog, what’s not to love?

88: Wife guy, underdog, what’s not to love?

I’m a Sumer fan, and even *I* would never have thought that they had any chance of scratching a Seychellois city, let alone threatening to take one. France-Albert’s regional navy looks unimpressive and outdated, while Eannatum is making use of a savvy open borders deal with Pakistan to provide naval support to his assault on Eridu.

“You remember our home in Eridu, honey? The one where we would watch the goatherds at work while we created flocks of our own? Well, no promises, buuuuuut…”

The embarrassment of the Seychelles continues, as Eridu is besieged by Sumer.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Squeezing, but not very hard

89: Squeezing, but not very hard

The Hyksos have fallen just short of raising the banners of Apophis in Kaminahu. The current placement of units indicates that the Phoenicians may have a small and sorely needed reprieve before they feel the wrath of Apophis once more.

The Circassians aren’t really playing their part in this war. Initial movements looked promising, and they still have a strong force arrayed across their border with Hiram’s territory, but they seem to lack some hunger. They should be threatening Akko by now, but the city is as yet untouched.

Melqartpilles built himself a business, and a name, controlling the manufacture of Phoenicia’s world-famous Tyrian dyes throughout the southern regions. To capitalise upon his success, he released a self-help, how-to-get-rich-quick book in which he advocates for brutal backstabbing, scheming, and generally unpleasant behaviour. His disciples describe themselves as “Melqart-pilled”.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of And then there were two

90: And then there were two

The three Wassoulou swordsmen didn’t hear no bell. One of them has given their life in the desperate attempt to cling on to Kankan, while another has battled their way into the town centre. Samori Ture’s tattered banners are hoisted once more.

Off the coast, a fleet of Portuguese vessels sit ready to strike. As the freshly raised banner flaps in the wind, the Portuguese captains order their navigators to set course for Kankan.

For now, all three remaining Wassoulou settlers live on. There is still hope.

91: Snuffed Out

Spartacus has masterminded an upheaval of fortunes at Vinuskogr. The Estonians had flipped the city back, but now it rests in Bjarmian hands with no Estonian melee units in sight. The nearest is at least 3 turns away.

This is disappointing for Estonia. Obviously, expectations for Lennart’s Band of Meri Men have not been high, but they are prone to showing isolated sparks of promise. Each and every time, however, these sparks fail to ignite much of anything.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Shepherd for the Anito of Ternate

92: A Shepherd for the Anito of Ternate

Motoori Norinaga is one of many Cebuanos who has sensed opportunity in the isles of Ternate. A middle-ranking cleric in the Anito spiritual order, Motoori grew tired of the lack of avenues for advancement in Singhapala.

Occasionally, they would receive delegations from the Ternatean Anito clerical order based in Sidangoli. Part of Motoori’s responsibilities had been to receive these delegations, to make sure they were comfortable. He was curious by nature, and he learned much about the worship of the Anito down south.

Now, the temporal authorities governing Sidangoli were on their knees. Motoori intended to be the first cleric through the doors when the defenders capitulated. He was the ideal candidate to take charge of the Anito faith in the conquered lands, even if his “superiors” in Singhapala couldn’t see it.

Sidangoli is in the red, and a Timawa is well placed to finish it off next turn. Once it falls, Galela should follow soon after. Humabon might not need another war to finish his food.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Totemic Times - “Tlingit Toast Triumph, Tippu Tip”

93: The Totemic Times - “Tlingit Toast Triumph, Tippu Tip”

Tippu Tip had been in Catca’mkau the city recruiting architects and labourers for his bridge project when the siege began. Almost immediately, he began to plot. The winds were blowing one way only, and he’d be damned if he was going to go out on the losing side. One by one, he disposed of the city’s leadership figures. Bit by bit, he made the case for himself to assume control of the defence of Catca’mkau. After some months of scheming and campaigning, Tippu Tip was placed in charge, whereupon he immediately surrendered the city to the Tlingit. He hoped that this act would endear him to Sheiyksh I and the Tlingit leadership.

But the Tlingit do not look kindly on betrayal. Tippu Tip was indeed granted a role in the Tlingit plan; that of kindling. And it was so that Catca’mkau was set ablaze.

If this burns all the way down, and it looks like it will, the Ponca would be wise to capitalise on the empty space and settle a city or two. Of course, they will do no such thing.

Ta’tem is safely in the possession of Spearthrower Owl and Shajar al-Durr, who is leading the interim governing council of the city.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wanting it (Kankan) More

94: Wanting it (Kankan) More

Kankan has flipped, again, and Samori has flipped it back. The poblometrics on this guy! He’s so full of heart, or grit, honestly I can’t separate the two conceptually. There are still two living swordsman, though concerningly, he is down to just one settler. Portugal doesn't seem to be letting up any time soon.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Totemic Times - “Ket Konvene Kouncil at Kellog, Kondemn Kara-Khitai”

95: The Totemic Times - “Ket Konvene Kouncil at Kellog, Kondemn Kara-Khitai”

The first global council of the game will be convened at Kellog in 5 turns! This is sure to grant us observers key insights into the nuances of the cylinder’s geopolitical dynamics, as well as their preferences when it comes to breakfast cereal.

For instance, the Ket despise Qara Khitai. This hatred has driven them to demand the world enact the first ever embargo against them. Additionally, Methodism has been proposed as the world religion, presumably at the behest of the Anishinaabe. Maybe that’s why Pontiac felt the need to reaffirm his theocratic credentials.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of *Hacker Voice* “I’m in.”

96: Hacker Voice “I’m in.”

Nearby lies the fallen Kingdom(?) of the Vyatka. If it wasn’t so outdated, and sneakily padded with scouts, this carpet would indicate some significant comeback potential. It may still signal an impending upturn in Ioann Myshkin’s fortunes given just how barren both the Scythian and Bjarmian borderlands are.

Togortak, not a man for subtlety, has ordered a fully-armoured platoon of knights to perform reconnaissance. Against all odds, they’ve found themselves deep behind Vyatkan lines. Of course, these two are not a war, but Togortak is immensely proud of his subterfuge regardless.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of We Will Fight Them on the Beaches (of Foramadiahi only)

97: We Will Fight Them on the Beaches (of Foramadiahi only)

Sidangoli raises the white flag of surrender, and a force of Timawa warriors march in. Balbullah has managed to flee the scene, but he’s clearly not as willing to let Sidangoli fall as he was with his capital. The units still in attendance should manage a flip or two before the curtains close on the Sidangoli theatre of war.

Speaking of flips, Balbullah’s mastermind counterattack on the vital strategic outpost(!) of Foramadiahi is about to come to fruition.

Honestly, Ternate settling Foramadiahi in the midst of Cebu’s invasion has been disastrous. All it has accomplished is to confuse their AI into throwing unit after unit into the abyss in the name of retaking this useless settlement.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of You Have Idle Units Ready for Orders!

98: You Have Idle Units Ready for Orders!

This entire portion of the New South Welsh army appears to be undergoing an existential crisis following their decision to raze Darlngunaya to the ground. That, or they’re experiencing analysis paralysis as they come together as a committee to plan their next move. What else could explain their more or less total lack of motion for the last 5 turns.

A few, though not enough, units are making a go of it at Yuwa in the west. If the rest of these guys could pull their finger out, another Bunuban city ought to fall.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of And Then There was One

99: And Then There was One

A Portuguese knight charges into Kankan; a Wassoulou sword clatters to the ground.

Joao has retaken Kankan. Samori Ture now only has a swordsman, a settler, and a dream. I don’t think it would be fitting to prematurely eulogise a civ that has shown repeatedly that it is willing to fight to the last.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Curse You Ho Tu

100: Curse You Ho Tu

A Cebuano Timawa lands upon an unclaimed island. To them, it seems like a perfectly good spot on which to settle a city. As Cebu is forbidden from settling cities other than in the most extreme of circumstances, they rely on the creations of others to expand their empire. That Hotu Matu’a lived so close to this place and never placed a city there is perceived by Humabon as a direct slight.

Furious, he declares war upon the very memory of Hotu Matu’a.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Breakthroughs past, present, and future

101: Breakthroughs past, present, and future

There are three things of note occurring on this slide.

First, the Seychelles have capitalised upon their cunning strategy of declaring war on Ethiopia so that they may use Zara Yaqob’s lands as a staging point to attack Manhiyat. A queue of Phoenician caravels waits to reclaim the city. France-Albert has won a battle, but a whole war lies ahead.

Second, Eridu is still in the green, and Sumerian overextension into Seychellois lands looks like it may backfire massively. The Seychelles have muskets ready to penetrate the soft desert underbelly of Eannatum’s holdings. This can’t catch the Sumerian leader by surprise. After all, he knows all there is to know about penetration.

Third, the Cebu have been expert city snipers so far this game. That Timawa outside Qarnawu has the potential to take this status to a whole new level.

102

The Cebuano forces in Sidangoli have been eliminated. While this setback is only temporary, Motoori Norinaga feels its keen sting as he stands alone on an isle of ash. This wasn’t the glorious parade through the city streets he had envisaged.

Balbullah, removed to the relative safety of Soahsio, fist-pumps the air wildly upon learning that *both* Sidangoli and Foramadiahi have been retaken. And on the same turn no less! His delirium is such that he neither notices nor cares when one of his advisors brings him the news that Galela has fallen under siege.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of All According to Pescado Negro (Pescado Negro means Black Fish)

103: All According to Pescado Negro (Pescado Negro means Black Fish)

Two Guaycuru settlers charged with founding a new Antarctic outpost make landfall on a frozen wasteland. The journey has been long, arduous, and above all, lonely.

On the shore, one of them points to a pale blue crab. “Pescado Negro!” he says, grinning.

The other lets a moment pass. Then, he bursts out into raucous laughter.

Together, they are alone, and they have lost their minds as one.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Tang Taizong, Feather De-ruffler Extraordinaire!

104: Tang Taizong, Feather De-ruffler Extraordinaire!

Apophis has been inconsolable with range for years at this point. Ever since he heard of Sisera’s mistreatment at the hands of those barbarians to the south, he had hardly slept for anger.

With this in mind, it’s easy to understand why, when he was brought yet more news of Ismail Berzeg’s underperformance in the assault on Phoenicia, he proclaimed that the Circassians too would pay for their crimes.

Their leader’s unstable mental state has led the Hyksos nobility to turn to the finest diplomat the cylinder has ever seen. No lesser negotiator than Tang Taizong himself could smooth over Apophis’ insane tirades and tendency to murder ambassadors in a blind range. When a Hyksos envoy made the request to Taizong, he replied “Sure, why not. I’m pretty sure this place can run on auto pilot for a while.”

“What’s a pilot?” whispered one court attendant to her neighbour. Taizong’s nose began to bleed.

Hiram has held Kaminahu, and the Cricassians have roundly failed to do much of anything in the north thus far. If either Hyksos or Circassia make a breakthrough, their war will become immediately relevant. An enticing prospect.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Machine of State

105: The Machine of State

The moment Taizong left for Hyksos, his most senior bureaucrats sprung into action. Their great leader would expect equally great things from *them*, they knew. They had to be bold, to take risks.

So, they organised a risk assessment all-hands for next Thursday. Once Thursday rolled around, each bureaucrat came armed with a list of suggestions. War against Yunnan was quickly ruled out - have you seen Kunming lately? Rouran, Cebu, Japan, Qara Khitai and even Qara Khitai were ruled out one-by-one. All of them ranked highly on their internal risk matrix, rendering them uncountenanceable.

Spirits were waning - lunchtime was soon. A voice piped up from the back “Let’s just declare war on Pegu and get out of here”. The proposal was unanimously approved.

106: ???

What an eyesore. What an abomination, an insult, frankly. I’m expected to narrate this?!

The Xaragua make peace with Yanomami. The war had been going nowhere, and the Yanomami were ready to settle for a white peace. Anacaona, however, is just too nice for her own good. The Yanomami had gone through so much effort, and at her own instigation too! They couldn’t leave empty-handed.

Gonaibo, a city of 23 population, and one of only 4 relevant cities in Anacaona’s ownership, was given to the Yanomami free of charge. This is shockingly reminiscent of the Xaraguan cession of Mamey.

But that’s not all. Davi Kopenawa received this incredible gift - a massive city, contiguous with his territory, complete with the Great Mosque of Djenne - and gave the directive to burn it all to cinders.

Idiots, the lot of them. You know what? I refuse. Coiot, I’m done. I’m not narrating this utter nonsense anymore. What’s that? This is the last slide? Oh… alright then…

Supporter Comments

Supporters can leave one comment within a week of release. Comments close 6/16/2026.

No comments yet.