Civ Battle Royale June 30, 2026
Rhoze
Today, battle lines are drawn and important choices are made all over the cylinder.
Hello all. It’s Rhoze, creator of many esteemed contestants this series, such as Vyatka, the Potiguara, and Bjarmaland. I’m here to narrate for you again and definitely not writing this half an hour before the episode goes up!
Yay maps, I love maps. I wonder how much it’ll change by the end of your time with me.
Let us remember Ternate, who was never exciting, but did exist, and no longer does. May Babullah enjoy his seat in the iron fortress of the afterlife, as all the heroes of the cylinder one day will.
Wow! Donators! Reminder you too can donate money to help keep the CBR running and get cool perks.
Lanfang is on an interesting path - how far can they take the war with fan favourite Cebu?
Immediately, Cebu sues for peace, managing not to lose any more. The only remaining question is who will be quickest to claim the smouldering ruins where Sidangoli and Parlan once stood? Given Lanfang has a settler on the screen, and Cebu’s historical propensity (or lack thereof) for founding cities, the answer seems weighted.
Rostock is yet again the subject of conflict. What’s new this time is that both Estonia and Scythia are advancing on the city, damaging it. Perhaps Ateas’ armies will prove the weight by which the scales finally shift?
As seen last episode, Japan has managed to send a small fleet of galleons to attack papuan Caral, and with Potao defended only by two units and a lot of fishers, the city is already down to half. Tang, New South Welsh, and perhaps even Itelmen units are all closing in on Caral’s western holdings.
The final Ternatean guerillas seem to have wandered away from Soahsio, hoping to wait for peace in the mountains and then find somewhere remote to settle and rebuild. It’s a long shot, but their only one.
Mask man decides he actually doesn’t want Kanjak Sangir back that badly. Most impactful Kipchak war. Can’t wait to see how Aladar tells us this is actually the next step in their master plan.
A Zazzau scout has somehow taken damage and is taking some time to recover and relax on the corpse-littered frontlines.
Streams of Chono units snake through the vast Pacific. It’s hard to tell if these were bound for the Ternate invasion and have since turned around, or if they’re headed at an unknown northern target.
Yeah pop off queen use all those zero bordering tiles you have to invade Estonia. These two jokers gave away cities specifically so they wouldn’t border each other. God.
I guess the annihilation of Essie wasn’t enough action for North America - old rivals Tadodaho and Sheehays put aside their differences to take down the rising star of Pontiac. Looks like this is a holy war, so I assume the actual trigger was Anishinaabe attacking Onondaga. Unfortunately, the AI not knowing about holy wars seems like it could be Pontiac’s downfall, as he now has to deal with a lot more units than he planned for.
Feels bad for Zazzau. Cut down early one, but recovered and did cool stuff, only to get ganged up on and beaten back down. Mek’ele and Gondar are on the edge of falling back to Ethiopia, and Kushaka is being heavily damaged by Luba’s navy.
Pakistan completes the Louvre, deciding they need culture. As if they don’t have enough tiles already, ugh.
Of all people, Tang sneaks a bloody boat in to take Potao. And starts to burn it down. Sure, whatever.
Not knowing where to turn, the harried Ternatean settler sticks close to Soahsio, knowing that without any melee units, the occupied citizens won’t hurt it. This can’t last forever though. Babullah hasn’t been seen in years, but they can’t give up like this.
Pleeease Catu has been surrounded for centuries pleeeaseeee. This level of incompetence is astounding. Did the code fairies sneak into the dll and slap a big ol’ “if you would attack, don’t” for Potiguara? The Guaycuru cities are barely defended from Potiguara, let alone the threat of Chono or even Xavante at this point.
After wresting control of the world congress, Luo Fangbo uses his unassailable platform to single out his biggest enemy right now - Bangladesh obviously. Someone else has also had enough with the Anishinaabe.
Gondar and Mek’ele fall again in a single swoop, though still hotly contested. The assault on Kushaka has at least been fought off, though I doubt Amina can be feeling good about her situation.
Mysore’s southern islands have been battered but not beaten, and the invasion seems to be petering out. Wouldn’t be surprised if Hassan at least gets flipped though.
Yayoi Kusama, hailed as the most successful living artist in our world, finds herself patronized by the city-state of Dagon. The chains of citadels imposed by Yunnan and Bangladesh surely cause more than enough social friction in the remnants to Pegu to need her talents.
The cold scale of fate slams to the ground as Lennart Meri surveys the streets of Rostock once more. Having contracted the flashing devils of the steppe, he must now hope that his prize was worth the price - and that he can hold on to it.
Roving New South Welsh ships stumble across a Mysorean research outpost at the vanishing edge of the cylinder. Pedro Menendez de Aviles, captain of the nearest port, is shaken away from admiring his plunder, and alerted. He brusquely tells the messenger that two ships are enough, and returns to his gilded fascination.
In the once-thriving suburbs of Manthimba, only thick wreaths of smoke survive, fed by gentle flames dancing slowly from one dry stem of grass to the next. Entranced by the vision, a nameless Herero artist sketches manically, using the ash that flits endlessly through the choked skies when paint runs out. Even as tired and hungry Maravi soldiers close in, her desperate fingers don’t stop moving, wanting, needing to capture the stark, foul, beauty that reflects in her eyes alone.
Oh also Herero recaptures Sena I guess, good job.
Caral strategically making peace with their closest and most terrifying foe (the Kipchaks) gives us an excuse to look at their core. And we observe that Qhapaq’s priorities are right where they should be - carpeting Big Rapa’s former waters with fishers.
Mysore decides that with drunken ravagers closing in on his southern holdings, he needs a wonder and builds Fasil Ghebbi. It buffs units within two tiles of the city only by 33%. Bro is the jam in a Pakistan-Bangladesh sandwich and he knows it.
Yeah it’s not going well for ol’ Pontiac. Holy wars almost feel like tricking the AI yknow. Anyway Gekek is done for, and likely Susquehannock. Good for them Susquehannock is great. Reminder to download Susquehannock on steam now and try out the civ.
Wheeee it’s the middle east isn’t Circassia awesome you guys? This isn’t new but isn’t it cool how Tyre has been citadelled away from Phoenicia’s other cities? Yeah sure man Pakistan gets 10 yields in its farms doesn’t that seem fair?
Yeah I got nothin not sure what we’re looking at here lmao, tell me how blind I am in the comments.
Lennart Meri kneels, frantic, in the dust before a gently billowing rider, who doesn’t quite seem all there.
“You promised me victory. You promised me Rostock!”
The figure vanishes. Lennart Meri is kneeling alone in the mud.
Maybe he always has been.
Yep there goes Gekek. Old Sheehays can probably push to Mashipinashiwish if he wants, it’s barely defended. The Onondaga are also damaging Manistee, though with a siege crew made only of knights, I can’t see the city actually falling.
We’ll also note here that Ternate reaches peace with Chono, presumably catapulting the final settler into neutral territory, to search for somewhere to found a new home.
Oh okay that’s a lot more knights than we could see just now. Maybe quantity beats quality sometimes. Saginaw is looking very vulnerable.
Eagle-eyed minimap scourers will have seen E’lem flip back and forth, but Spearthrower Owl has run out of melee units. Maybe he should have been Spearholder Owl if he wanted to capture more cities, eh?
Laugh.
Olgit foments resentment against the wriggling empire, Rouxuan a stain on his orderly designs.
Also like there’s been a lot of discussion about Tlingit’s busted religion, but Ket’s is pretty broken too. Look at that defense. Bro is basically uninvadeable until planes.
This is too many bloody names. Posh git. You should create a citadel, now!
Amina is holding Mek’ele again, at least for the moment.
Goddd I hate Pakistan. I just wanna say I told you! I told you it’d be really ugly and give them population they have no right getting! Look at this- wait.
Hold on, let me check something- oh thank god. (Or rather thank Chrisy15)
Did you know the word “fuck” and its children appear four times in the Pakistan lua?
Bye bye Potao. Oh hey look there’s some empty land. Just in time for a newly not-in-mortal-danger settler to go looking for somewhere to rebuild.
There are also Tang, Chono and even Japanese settlers in this image so little guy needs to move fast if he wants to rescue Babullah from his incomprehensible immortal prison.
In a way I’m starting to admire the Maravi and how they refuse to give an inch of land without an endless fight. Grit off the charts.
Bjarmaland is a strange strange creature. It’s as if they can only succeed against stronger enemies and fold to weaker ones. You’re losing to the civ with no capital! What did I do to deserve this.
“If we queue up politely, they have to let us through the ice eventually, right?”
“Look carpet boy, I know we don’t see much action usually but is all the roleplay necessary?”
“Hey dude Lennart likes it okay? We’ve got a thing going on.”
“Sure man.”
Tong Yabghu was qaghan of the seventh-century western turkic khaganate, ruling over its golden age. Must be bored out of his mind working for Sumer, facing down the Seychellois non-invasion.
Mooniyaang is straight to the red within two turns. Go on Tadodaho!
Don’t think it’s possible for the Tlingit to be in the modern era after only seven turns, so I assume this means half the world’s civs are in the industrial. Isn’t equality nice?
Pontiac has actually managed to send a small force to retake Gekek, and more importantly signs peace with Onondaga without losing any of the northern cities. Tadodaho, you wimp!
Like, Harekr took Shabalinskoe back when Vyatka was still big and scary (just). And now he loses multiple cities after Vyatka was brutally cut down. ????
They said he couldn’t do it, but Ismail Berzeg shows the haters what’s what and dual wields war declarations on Sumer and Bactria. Now he just, uh, has to fight them. His navy is outnumbered in the Caspian and his army has moved away from Lagash for some reason.
Without thinking too much you’d assume Hyksos and Phoenicia vs Wallachia would be relevant, but there’s one* tile to work with. Also Phoenicia is the aggressor.
Sheiyksh runs out of city names, and decides the blasted ice island he settles on next needs a name reflecting its character - Liverpool.
Also NSW has already settled a Liverpool so what’s going on there huh?
Never mind Old Sheehays backs out too. This is some Tang-ass diplomacy from Pontiac, he wriggled his way right out of that one.
It’s time to play spot the difference! How many minor units have moved or not over two turns! One unit that hasn’t moved is a Ternatean settler! Wow!!!
Yeah so seeing as there’s no city-states and Lanfang has the Forbidden Palace, they’re just going to be world congress host for the entire game. Too bad diplo victory isn’t on.
Sergio Leone, pioneer of the spaghetti western, finds himself in the mountains and valleys of western Tang. Tang films (they have films now don’t worry about the tech tree shhh) favour the wily diplomat over the rugged gunslinger, but maybe that’s about to change.
NSW decides Hanga Piko is too annoying to invade and turns around to assault the much more open Danggu. Caral doesn’t even have any units that can reach the city, it’s as good as gone.
Brooo please how are you damaging Sombrero Negro more than Catu what?? What???? Is it my fault? Is this punishment for having them up before release?
It’s time for your regularly scheduled religion checkup! Pesedjet is the biggest religion in the world, followed by 133 of its 788 cities, or almost 17%, giving the Hyksos horde 33 happiness. Sgáanaang is second, with 92 cities getting 460 culture and 460 science. Caral’s Pachaism gives them 64 (or so) science and culture. Bangladesh’s Shaktism has given them an injection of 6900 gold and 345 culture from first-time converts. Samanism gives all of Olgit’s cities +49 defense.
Pohakantenna and Puata Tupuna have been reduced to minority religions which hold no sway even in their once holy cities. If Wallachia had been able to spread Bogomilism they’d probably be doing a lot better, it’s got some crazy beliefs.
A very pretty map illustrates all that visually. We can observe the largest pocket of heretics is in Germany, Britain and Ireland, just like real life.
Poor Zazzau. Mek’ele gone again and both enemies riding hard at Fatika. We can also see Amina’s defensive units are running out fast. She needs to get out of this war as soon as she can.
Fed up of Hideyoshi’s inability to acquire goods or expand, rebel bands of knights spring up in the Japanese mountains.
Also Japan and Itelmen are close enough to have open borders now. Good for them. Maybe they can consume Yurii together.
Oh.
Oh dear.
It appears John Macarthur is celebrating the industrial era with “invading Mysore part 2”
Bekala’s dead, it’s gone.
Yep, there goes Danggu. Caral’s single unit nearby is blocked off by Chono and also a ranged unit anyway.
Fueled purely by spite (and also some coal), Rouran takes the second ideology of the game, defying their ancient foe to the south and adopting Order. These two are certain to come to blows once again now.
In a world where everyone hates everyone, is it any surprise that all embargoes come to pass? No more trading for Anishinaabe.
Same over here. I wonder if this makes coalitions against Anishinaabe and Bangladesh more likely or not?
Quickly grabbing the third ideology with its grubby factories is Pakistan, choosing to align to Tang. The implications of this- hold on a goddamn second why does that Qara-Khitai settler have a circular border?
The Hanseatic citizens are very sad about losing Rostock again and need some hip hop to cheer them up. Woolweaver is looking pretty weak here, if I had any confidence in Estonia’s competence I’d say Bremen could be in danger.
Uhhh yep Bekala gets completely drazongolated and Chitradurga is next. Good luck!
Circassia has gotten their troops together and is finally damaging Lagash. Not by much yet, but a narrator can dream.
Cebu has enlisted George R Crook, an american general who made a career out of fighting native americans, notably Geronimo. Fun fact, this is the same Crook from “Standing Bear v Crook”, the case the Ponca UA references. The bastard is probably dancing in his underwear about the state the Ponca are in in the cylinder.
NSW hates fun dear lord. Caral has also blocked the Ternate settler off from even reaching the coast anymore.
Zazzau is still going through it. Just go for peace Amina I don’t want to watch this anymore.
Ok so the UU upgraded to rifleman and kept the missiles. Can they even be used? @NopeCopter you coded this civ what’s the answer.
Damn, Teotihuacan sneaks a unit back into E’lem, wow. It’s gonna fall again but good on you for trying. Ta’tem hasn’t even taken any damage yet, I know the terrain is hard Sheiyksh but still. Dawgless.
Harchin is plotting against… Karankawa (ok sure) giving us an excuse to look at the Itelmen. The navy is decent but the land army is poor. Western cities like Chineshisheliu and Koazhchkhozhu only have a few units between them. The broken religion ™ doesn’t provide any production so we need some focus on that Harchin.
Man…
Luba finally breaks into Kushaka. Kittur Chennamma, queen of Kittur and rebel against the British, oversees the northern front.
Kittur when :pray:
The Seychelles make peace with Phoenicia, and now that they have nothing to be scared of to the north, begin to advance on Nashan. A trail of pillaged citadels smoulder silently in the desert to mark their attack.
The fourth ideology is claimed by Chono, aligning themselves with Rouran against Tang and Pakistan. Now, looking at this, if Olleta could just kill Guaycuru already that would be great thanks. It would be so easy.
Lennart’s deal is sealed as the war ends with Rostock finally in his grasp. Also it’s taken me until this slide to realise he could have been attacking the cut off Rakvere. He just likes the bordergore I guess.
Looks like Phoenicia and Hyksos have open borders already, amazing. Not sure what this is highlighting, sorry. Maybe we’re just taking a moment to admire Tyre being citadelled off from the former Ma’in lands. It is very funny
Anacaona feels like she hasn’t been at war enough lately and attacks Xavante. Good luck getting there. Which city do you think she’s going to be giving up this time? Guava? I bet she’d give away Yaguana if she could.
The Seychellois invaders are getting a little landsick spending all this time off the waves, and need some music to keep their spirits up. Buddy Bolden was a pioneer of jazz, who must now keep playing even on the frontlines.
Chono gets citadelled by Xavante and escalates to the highest level in response. I can’t see Olleta actually taking a city through all these mountains, but perhaps Apoena will end up intimidated by the military difference anyway.
I’m deliberately not looking at the right side of the screenshot.
You’re sleepy, Dihya, you’re sooo sleepy. You would never join in and attack your best friend Zazzau.
That said, Zazzau might be empty in the west, but the Aures isn’t exactly full. I suppose it’s quite hard to be in the Sahara.
Ok Tang is really empty, what is Taizong doing with all his production? Rouran and even Grukraine could capitalise on this. Don’t know how quickly the different ideology maluses kick in but a war seems inevitable and profitable.
Makawana is surrounded on all sides. I’d say it’s guaranteed to fall but we’ve seen Morenga fumble these before. Desperate to see something change down here regardless.
The fifth ideology goes to Ket, also picking Autocracy. Rouran is now stuck between two rivals who disliked them anyway, and will even more now that ideology is involved. This could end tragically for the wriggling man.
The Seychellois cannons seem to have found a focus on Ur. The Sumerian defense is faltering in both the north and south. With such unfavourable terrain and a squeezing alliance, this war might not end until Eannatum is gone.
Teotihuacan is the sixth to adopt an ideology, also becoming autocratic. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that E’lem has fallen again and Ta’tem is finally taking damage too. The still unaligned Tlingit is relentless.
While the New South Welsh mastery of the seas may be terrifying, they’ve left their land relatively empty. Almost might be worth Bunuba taking another crack. Keeping the few troops left in the outback entertained is Randy Newman, known for scoring films for Disney and Pixar.
Makawana indeed falls… and is set ablaze. I’ll take what I can get. The resettlement spot is almost guaranteed for Herero too.
The Xavante give up trying to squeeze through a single tile at Caral, and throw themselves at the new, much more open front of Aspero. If Olleta moves any defenders up he’ll be fine, but as it stands the city could be threatened. One of a throng of Great Musicians playing the charge is Jackie Wilson, a prominent figure in early soul nicknamed “Mr. Excitement”.
The “Sidangoli space”, as those of us in the smashed settlement spots community have been calling it, is claimed by Bunuba. They also exhaust their city list, giving the new settlement a name befitting the similarity of the hills and jungles of Sulawesi to the Mongolian steppe.
Don’t look at the right edge of the screen if you want to preserve your innocence.
Remember when I said Bremen might be in danger? I never specified from who. The woolweaver hands it over for peace. Carpet boy, not expecting such a responsibility and not wanting to deal with it, promptly sets it on fire and hopes Ateas is too busy “worshipping” at the capital to notice. Looks like the league has the closest settler anyway so they might just reclaim their own spot.
The Anishinaabe, shaken but whole despite the recent invasions, also adopts Autocracy, aligning itself with Teotihuacan. Pontiac, despite his rise, is in a tight spot, and needs to fight as hard as he can for every chance.
New South Wales also joins the Autocratic wave. They do border Order Chono for a decent amount of Polynesia now.
The Seychelles storm into Ur, and scare Sumer into immediately giving up Nashan as well for peace. With all Sumer’s forces now forced north, Circassia’s chances of snagging the capital are dwindling.
The Herero army quickly swings north and brings Quelimane down to yellow. The longer this goes on, the more capable Morenga becomes of grinding this out into a capital claim.
NSW claims the spot where Carreteria once stood. They straddle a terrifying expanse.
There we go. Sheiyksh just needed a healthy dose of ideology envy to destroy the walls of Ta’tem. Shetqale and Dali are both now open to attack.
The screen fills with only Tlingit. A vast expanse, and many settlers more, just waiting. That said there are only a few land units left up here, so maybe Anishinaabe could pull off another reversal with the right timing.
The Vyatchan advance seems to have stalled, not able to get into the right position around Glasisvellir. Ogedei Khan got lost on the way to the Scythian steppe and has been too embarrassed to say anything, so he’s thrown everything into the Bjarmy war.
It really feels like nothing can go right for Amina. She had the crazy Wassoulou revenge as a single bright spot only to be plunged down even further again. Kushaka is hers again for now at least.
Yeah so NSW is just comically evil. We saw a few slides ago that the Ternatean settler was even on New Britain, only for John “feed me more islands” Macarthur to park in their way. No revivals allowed.
Having used his seat as eternal head of the world congress to isolate Bangladesh, Luo Fangbo now makes it his next target. He seems to have the technological edge, and former capital Hongsawatoi is right on the frontlines.
Ok smile. Go back to Catu, Felipe. You’ll get there eventually, just keep trying.
Pontiac finishes the Doge’s Palace, a republic-only wonder (despite Anishinaabe apparently being a theocracy) that gives an additional trade slot and increases sovereignty, whatever you do with that. He’s been embargoed, but maybe that’ll force him to use it on a much better internal route anyway.
Meanwhile Rouran completes the Crystal Palace, which provides a little GP generation and some art slots. Good for them.
And that brings us to the end of this week! There’s been ups and downs, but never forget to look inside the margins on both the left and right. See you next time.
Supporters can leave one comment within a week of release. Comments close 7/7/2026.
Sign in to leave a comment.
No comments yet.