Episode 24: And Thus Opens the Doorway of Night – S5

Release Date:

July 14, 2026

Narrated by:

Orange

Abstract

Beyond the seams, beyond the pale, the world is rocked with the path of the future. Yet the pain of life obscures the pleasure of progress; Ashes and gold, blood and copper.

Viewing: Vertical

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Lying On a Bed of Roses

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1: Lying On a Bed of Roses

Hello hello, it is I, Orangechrisy, here once more to narrate this wonderful mess we all love. I’ve been jumping between a big civ modding project and depression for a few months, so please excuse my lack of Lazy Portugal Shows, they take a fair bit more thought to make than my normal comics, I know what I’m gonna do for the next time I just, need to gather the motivation. You know how it is. In the meantime though, I found a new icon style for UBs and UUs, and I’m learning more about improvement models. Did you know that how the game handles shadows is completely nonsensical to understand? Well I sure do know now.

With that all said, I think it’s about time we move along before I go mad over how little info there is about certain aspects of this game… Where’s Deliverator when you need them, I don’t want to be the one with the most expertise in this shit.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Lying On a Bed of Roses

1: Lying On a Bed of Roses

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Woah What a Sick Comic

2: Woah What a Sick Comic

Thanks me, great choice in what you did this on, very funny.

Note to self: Figure out what to do a comic on, maybe Pakistan’s conquest of Sumer? Wallachia giving away even more shit? Probably that one…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Here’s a Little Lesson in Trickery

3: Here’s a Little Lesson in Trickery

Showing off Archimedes’ lil goober version of Tlingit who desperately wants to not be seen as the villain despite the fact that they definitely are. Sorry you got some bullshit and also killed Pomo, you’re villain number 1 in my books.

Also hey check out this fantastic video by /u/altbcidk (aka vijver), it’s so good.

4: Websites Are Cool

Look at all these people helping keep the site running, only you can stop server costs.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Again We Meet Little Ghost

5: Again We Meet Little Ghost

There’s quite a few ghosts now, and the only way forward is to face the past, see the wrecks of what is lost, and forge anew a path built from their failures.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of At the Húb of the World

6: At the Húb of the World

The Cuirassier Corps sent west to Xáin-Wude are the ones who drew the short sticks. Each soldier spends their mornings huddling in their blankets, their afternoons shuffling their horses around the snowy peaks, their evenings wishing they were part of the many sent south, and their nights hardly able to sleep from the shivering.

Those fighting to take Húbdon are just thankful they don’t have to siege the mountain fort.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Kamiina Botan Fully Blossoms When Drunk

7: Kamiina Botan Fully Blossoms When Drunk

Seychelles does seem like they are finally maybe picking up steam, and Kamina falls to their fleets. Next up is Mankhamba, beyond that? Much harder to say. Musumba could be vulnerable but Luba does have some up-to-date units, they’re only a bit behind.

Also hey someone should go kill Maravi.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of It’s Coming Home

8: It’s Coming Home

What a day for footy, as I’m writing this Spain beat Belgium in 2-1 and from what I saw of the first half, Belgium just did not have it. They got a nice goal but I saw so many rough passes, like c’mon. Anyways, it seems we also have an exciting match today between the Union and the League, with the League taking an early possession lead advancing down the left side to Abendroth, Abendroth to Peterson, PETERSON TO FAHLING, CUT INSIDE AND - off the top bar. Just barely missed the shot. But with pressure like that they’ll be sure to get another shot soon. All of Ribe is riding on this game.

Also Scythia stops burning Bremen right before it disappears, ensuring the citadel spam remains and Hansa has even less space to work with. Thought that mod had stopped working or something earlier in the game but guess not?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of All the World is Watching

9: All the World is Watching

From the journal of Arif Sharmin, Divisional Commissioner of Rajshahi, Bangladesh. Dated July 19, 1917.

“As Boreas steps, the world waits. As Boreas runs, the world watches.” These were the words stamped into the shimmering archway leading to the main grounds of the Fair, and these words I have come to understand deeply throughout this long day in Michilimackinac. The city as a whole feels like it has been transformed into a showcase of the Anishinaabe, a blistering demonstration of power that few others could dare to attempt. When I entered the central plaza, wrongly assuming I would find myself quickly heading towards the pavilion of my own sod, I instead felt my emotions seized and my heart stayed. Every building awash in the new Romanticist stylings, art obscuring every surface it could, sounds, oh the sounds, clamoring to be heard by all who could, granting us visitors the melody of the world. It felt as if the future was in my grasp and yet, while Boreas ran I could do naught but gaze in wonder as he led us to the new era.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Where the Clouds Stop

10: Where the Clouds Stop

Qhapac has been watching as well, not the World’s Fair, but the world itself. He’s seen the recent change in how the strongest rulers rule, consolidating even more power amongst themselves somehow or calling for their government to be of the people (though they seem to all still hold the power themselves…). Qhapac has been watching all this, and stuck between the autocratic regimes of the north, and the soviets to the south, he decided he needed to go a different way. Freedom he calls it, and freedom it shall be.

On the side, a non-war war starts and a few end, not much to report. More interesting is Huaricanga falling, will Caral be able to snipe it? Maybe this is the freedom Qhapac was talking about.

11: Húbdown

When delivered with the news of the recent capture of Húbdon, the Cuirassier Corps attacking Wáin-Xude are reported to have responded with “We’re so happy for you” and then quietly “fucking bitch fuck this fucking shit ass city fuck those bitches down south”. Further requests for comment about the alleged use of harsh language were ignored by the Corps.

Shetqale has almost fallen to Tlingit too.

12: Night Witches

Speaking of the Tlingit, they are stockpiling quite a whole lot of planes along their border with the Itelmen. I count 32 here, vs the approximately 0 of the Itelmen. They best be hoping there isn’t a war in the works soon.

13: Ready to Die

But maybe not quite yet, as Xavante manages to get a peace deal with one of their neighbors, the Chono. However they are still about to lose Huaricanga (assumedly to Yanomami who goes before Caral), and the Yanomami army is still pressing the offensive. The capital has been hit, but Biggie Smalls’ latest album has also been a hit, so who here’s really the winner?

Also damn that’s so many musicians that Xavante have. They’re dying and just belting out the tunes in response.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Open Sky, Open Mind

14: Open Sky, Open Mind

RELIGION WATCH: Caral’s Pachaism has gotten a reformation! They nab Merit and Endowment, letting them use faith to buy a bunch of science buildings, quite useful! They have like 20k faith so they could really use it here.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Cocoon, Entwined

15: Cocoon, Entwined

Lanfang once more takes the former Pegu capital as Shin Sawbu probably looks on in indifference at this point. Bangladesh will probably retake it next turn and then Lanfang again since they have frigates and whatnot.

Lanfang also builds Brandenburg Gate, letting their units get even more XP in the city it was built in, whichever city that was, along with some other small bonuses. Quite nice.

16: See You Again

The ol’ swapperoo happens as Tlingit marches into Shetqale and Teo runs around and manages to sneak into Ta’tem. And yet, there’s no attempt to resurrect the glorious nation of Pomo? What is wrong with everyone here? Anyways Tlingit has another 13 planes down here, that’s gonna help clear the way.

17: The Last Two

Despite the search effort by Pakistan to find Eannatum and his hot Sumerian wife, all leads lead to nowhere. Jinnah soon gives up, and declares the search, and the war as a whole, over. Sumer is no more, and never will be again.*

*Don’t quote me on this in 20 episodes when someone randomly decides to resurrect Sumer if you do I will cry

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Toba or Not Toba, That is the Question

18: Toba or Not Toba, That is the Question

Potiguara closes in on Misión el Toba, and also continues to not want to send any fleets south. Really two episodes ago I did not expect this war to go like this, I thought Guaycuru had it in the bag.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I Got a Story to Tell

19: I Got a Story to Tell

The Notorious B.I.G. heads back to safer lands as Huaricanga falls to Yanomami, working his way through the crowds to reach Apoena to say he’s got a story to tell. Afterwards, Apoena is left utterly confused at how this story about a girl cheating on someone seemingly named “Nick” with Biggie relates to the fallen city, but he isn’t one to question music, it’s known to work in mysterious ways for the Xavante.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Guards! Guards!

20: Guards! Guards!

The Revolutionary French National Guard is the place to be for all the young up-and-coming soldiers of the French Empire. They give culture when leveling up and gains XP from selling and constructing Guillotines! Or in Minecraft terms, the National Guard uses French cities as an Enderman XP farm.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Three for the Price of One

21: Three for the Price of One

We pan back over to Lanfang to see the architects behind the Brandenburg Gate, Shreve, Lamb, and Harmon. They wanted to name it the “Empire State” but Luo Fangbo said “Nah that sounds stupid, you can’t just put two synonyms together like that”, and proceeded to suggest they go for something foreign sounding, like from the Hanseatic League perhaps.

NSW finally stopped hanging around Ross to go attack Shanzhudaya, though Lanfang should be able to send the frigates in soon enough to clear things out. We also get a glimpse of the Rum Corps, NSW’s unique UU, which starts with extra XP based on Luxury happiness and spawns a luxury when capturing a city. Also some useless wars are started and ended.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Who Decided That Blues Had to Be Cool!?

22: Who Decided That Blues Had to Be Cool!?

Seychelles decides to join on the Autocracy train, clearly the main ideology of this game at this point, what a bandwagon. Mankhamba also gets lightly damaged.

23: Fireworks

Tlingit managed to nab Ta’tem back last turn and with the incredible power of planes has taken Dali much much quicker. The age of flight is a wondrous one, for those who know how to soar at least. Archimedes is evidently not one who can, Teo slips further.

Yes I see the right side, I’m looking at these slides more than you.

24: Born Again

Can’t keep these beats down in this beat down as Xavante retakes Huaricanga (with Biggie’s musical support “Kick in the Door”), with Yanomami’s takeover having helpfully pushed Caral back across the Andes. They won’t keep it of course, there’s a few Yanomami units who can easily take it back, but it’s the effort that counts. They’re fighting, and that’s more than some can say.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Duets: The Final Chapter

25: Duets: The Final Chapter

The rivalry, by some miracle, is, is… over? The Yanomami, in their assault to retake Huaricanga, surrounded, and captured, their most notorious enemy. It’s not long before Biggie Smalls is being transported north to create a rap duo the world will never be prepared for. The Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur, sitting bars together. Truly enemies to lovers is one of the greatest tropes out there.

…No I’m not gonna write Tupac/Notorious B.I.G. yaoi, but I will say there is some out there, and it’s not nearly as much as I expected. C’mon fanfic writers, get on it!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of It’s Grey After the Dream Ends

26: It’s Grey After the Dream Ends

Ah there we go, Susquehannock attacking Xaragua. Xaragua recently founded Gonaibo (founded between the last two slides of the previous episode, yep, in the upper right of slide 99 the settler is there and it’s Tlingit’s turn, and then slide 100 is after the rest of the civs that turn go, including Xaragua, so the city is on the map), and it seems like it might just get taken immediately. Now, Xaragua does have one big saving grace: Frigates. And uh, that’s it. That’s all that Xaragua has, they can pretty easily be outproduced. Can’t wait for them to somehow manage to defend Gonaibo and then give away Yaquimel.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of As the Dagon Watches

27: As the Dagon Watches

Bangladesh pushes back into Hongsawatoi after Lanfang seems to have decided they did it and went home? They look like they’ve started sending things south, and by south I mean east to the Gulf of Thailand instead of any front, leaving the former capital ripe for reconquest. They do still have frigates tho, so like, they can probably retake it soon enough.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Repainting Efforts

28: Repainting Efforts

The Bjarmians manage to flip back Umpi and Koloperem’, weeeeeee. I can’t wait for Estonia and Scythia to take these civs out.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of What is and isn’t Shown

29: What is and isn’t Shown

Seychelles takes Mankhamba down to yellow, and yeah they’ll take it. So I’ll call your attention to two other locations: Up north Ethiopia has been sending an army to try and fight Seychelles, badly, it doesn’t seem like it’s making much progress. And to the bottom left, where you may notice the camera isn’t showing the Luba-Herero war. Clever viewers will realize this is because that frontline was fated to never be changed, it is so.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself

30: And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself

Yada yada Potiguara slowly taking Guaycuru’s capital down, yada yada Yanomami slowly pushing into Xavante, NONE OF THAT IS IMPORTANT HERE. IT’S PANCHO VILLA WOOOOOOOOO.

I could write some narrative bit with him but instead I’m gonna soapbox about the Mexican civs I’m making, cause I’m making a whole bunch all centered around the Mexican Revolution so of course Pancho Villa has to be one. I’ve been pushing through this project which is probably too much for me given I’m gonna increase my number of released civs by about 50% at once, but like, it’s getting there. Probably August at this rate. Need a bunch of leaderscenes, text, music, unit models, mod support, and a bit of balancing, and a few other small bits. So basically I’m gonna have half the civs in the vote there next time and I’ll still probably lose. Wooooooo!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hanseatic Miku

31: Hanseatic Miku

Corner for the League, Union’s been on the backfoot this whole game and another corner kick is not what they want to be facing. Svensson’s gotta be hoping the ball gets kicked out of the box before any League players can touch it, but despite their size, the League’s known for their impressive jumps. Jauch lining up, there’s the kick! MERCK! A- And Svensson gets a hand on it, sending it over the net. Another corner. The players are already lining up again.

It seems like it’s currently the extra time break in the match between England and Norway, England up 2-1. Norway’s gotta push hard to tie it up and send the game to penalties unless they want to pass the Miku to yet another country.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Mo’ Prora Mo’ Problems

32: Mo’ Prora Mo’ Problems

Tang decides they don’t want to have any happiness issues anymore, so they build Prora in Zhengzhou, giving them a whole lot of happiness, about 10-11 right now. The resort town is sure to be a big draw for everyone around, but they may want to avoid advertising to the Rouran…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I feel like I could use Kamiina Botan Blossoms When Drunk for like a whole bunch of slide titles at this point

33: I feel like I could use Kamiina Botan Blossoms When Drunk for like a whole bunch of slide titles at this point

Hey it’s a good manga, and now anime, I really gotta get myself to watch anime more so I can catch up on things, but I can confirm the manga’s real good at least!

Anyways NSW decided Shanzhudaya was too much trouble to be worth it (Lanfang didn’t do anything) so decided to shift around the island to reach Mindi Rardi on the other side. It’s already down to ~75% but will they be able to go all the way? Uh… I mean. Maybe? You all know I don’t have any faith ever in the southeast Australian civ. But Lanfang really should bring south their massive frigate armada instead of letting it rot up north.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Does the Caspian Count as a Warm Water Port?

34: Does the Caspian Count as a Warm Water Port?

I for one totally forgot these civs were at war, but Scythia seems to have remembered and has sent a contingent to Sarai. It probably isn’t going to go anywhere. They also make peace with Phoenicia.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Why are We Here? Just to Suffer?

35: Why are We Here? Just to Suffer?

We take a quick look over at the former Rapa Nui and Ternate lands on Papua New Guinea where uh, nothing much is happening. Though Bunuba’s frigate buildup seems interesting, I hope they fuck up NSW or something, at least attack someone to get back into the game.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of All Eyez on Me

36: All Eyez on Me

Tupac for one, isn’t quite sure what to make of the directive sent to him. A rap duo with his greatest rival? When said rival was violently captured by soldiers in Huaricanga and likely isn’t going to be thinking favorably of the whole deal? Frankly he thinks it’s a plan crafted by dumbasses who don’t know anything, somewhere way near the top with ties to Kopenawa directly. But all things can be made possible with a bit of “force”, and Tupac is pushed along to agreement, and is soon sent out to meet his rival-turned-involuntary-partner.

37: Full Moon

I also forgot this war was still something ongoing, but seemingly 10 slides ago Caral took Nthakataka, and Teo’s just retaken it. It’ll definitely be taken again but then probably flip again and who knows after that. Teo has no navy whatsoever so Caral’s small one is seemingly enough.

Also while checking for that flip I saw that Fatika flipped to Zazzau and then back to Ethiopia too.

38: Ultramarine

From a dispatch recovered in Dongwanlu, sent by General Guifang, Head of the Java Theater. Dated November 17, 1923.

This is the fifth request I’ve sent this month. I am no longer asking, I am demanding to know where the navy is. Unless I have been getting habitually lied to, by yourselves, then our navy consists of hundreds of newly made frigates, and if the financials I have seen are also not fabricated, by yourselves again, then they have cost a pretty fortune. So, I demand of you: Where the fuck are they? Java has been getting swarmed for months, and the latest report from the west is that they are beginning to take islands off the coast of Sumatra as well. I am well aware that the northern fleet has gotten the vast majority of the new ships, you can not blatantly lie to me anymore about them. I am also well aware of the influence Admirals Taiji, Sibo, and Goenang have among the government and the lack of such influence of those of us in the south.

I will put it bluntly: I know of the corrupt dealings that have been made with the northern navy, and the only reason I have not gathered my men and marched on Dongwanlu myself is because if I do so then the whole nation will be overrun by the booze-slingers, and I care far more for this country than you seem to. So I will request once more for you to send the northern navy to reinforce the southern front, let them prove their mettle and the gold spent on them, let them prove they are not just hogs who swim in coins and bullshit.

39: Goneaibo

The Susquehannock offensive quickly takes Gonaibo down to yellow, though I do see the odd Onondaga ship blocking the way, and Xaragua really needs more ships to fight back. But that attack in the northeast has been blocked at least, they just need to bring their ships in the east over, and start pushing back the western attack before they can just run into the city enough to take it down. It does only have 18 strength after all.

Maybe Guava will be the city that gets gifted away? Xaragua’s got options.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Your Fascination, My Fear

40: Your Fascination, My Fear

Xquenda sat in a cafe in Waraqah, she had been in the city for a few months, slowly gathering rapport and ingratiating herself with the local elites. And yet, despite her time there, every time the planes fly overhead, their motors sputtering through the sky, panic seizes her. She’s seen the reports, people parading in the streets as they hear about another block in Bejucal or K’Naahb’Nal being flattened to ash and bone by bombs dropped from the domain of the gods. Before she had been sent out, she had told her husband and their children to flee south, he had remarked “How can we run when we’re asked to?” And what was she to say to that? She who was about to cross over enemy lines in an attempt to gather intel, gather plans, gather any information she could to fight back the invaders. Nothing at all.

She flinched in her seat as another one went overhead, maybe that would be the one to kill her family, maybe they were already dead and she had nothing to go back to and the bombs it would drop were meant to destroy the memories she had that existed there, blown apart limb from limb just like the bodies until all that remained was her husband’s confident smile without a face to attach it to.

She blinked a few times to clear her eyes. Finished off the coffee in her cup, stood up, gathered her folders, and stepped out into the city, headed towards the airbase for her work. Steeling herself for the sounds to come.

41: Hypnotize

Yanomami continues its assault towards Abelhinha and Etenhiritipá, engaging in the same strategy they had around Huaricanga: Capture the music. While the other artists aren’t as well known, aren’t as popular, each one takes away from the Xavante, and each one is held at gunpoint as they are transported into Yanomami lands. As Biggie Smalls sits in his wagon, gun towards him at all times, his captors drone on and on about the plan, the duo he’s being slated to be a part of. But there’s not much he can do besides say “Fuck that shit” every few sentences.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Trapped at Sea

42: Trapped at Sea

Teotihuacan has a solid fleet if you solely look in their lands that are trapped away from any front line they have, and if you ignore the lack of frigates. Caral on the other hand, with their small but advanced fleet, has retaken Nthakataka easily and looks to advance towards Waka’. It should be noted that Teo has like, barely any ranged units around here, there’s a field gun next to Waka’ and a galleass outside, but besides that it’s kinda just the cities themselves that can shoot these ships.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Real Folk Blues

43: The Real Folk Blues

Robert Johnson helps to give some levity to Mysore with his blues, hoping it can give them some morale against the encroaching Pakistan horde, by which I mean their UA that steals tiles and population. They have been keeping up with tech though, so if they can get to planes they’ll be able to hold decently well against Pakistan.

44: Baka-wan

Lanfang is offered peace and immediately accepts it, only after realizing it was just Pegu. NSW has in the meantime taken Bakuwan and is pushing more on Mindi Rardi. The Lanfang fleet continues to hate the concept of fighting and prefers to play spin the bottle up north.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Fate is Useless

45: Fate is Useless

Janos Hunyadi, self proclaimed admiral, has spent the past few days sending angry letters to the high command requesting more melee ships, which are promptly ignored because “You were hired to be a general”. Hunyadi of course finds this preposterous, he’s at sea, leading a bunch of ships, and that in itself should qualify him as an admiral. And yet the melee ships just don’t come.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of We Really Hate Navies

46: We Really Hate Navies

Teotihuacan has been sending a detachment south, around the Caral attack, to go invade Mataveri and secure another Polynesian island. Now you may think “shouldn’t they focus on protecting their homeland?” but to that I’d say:

Anyways Teo brought some galleasses but forgot the melee ships, and galeasses probably aren’t gonna be enough here. They do have plenty of units to throw at the shores to their death though!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The One to Revolutionize the World

47: The One to Revolutionize the World

From the research notes of Heron of Windsor, Head Engineer of the Windsor Estate. Dated January 17, 1923.

The experiments today have been a resounding success, I believe with a few more tweaks I’ll have something truly revolutionary, excuse the pun, on my hands. It’s making me feel as giddy as a young child with candy, but how can one not when they are on the brink of changing the world? Power, oh glorious power… Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself. I must make a request for more copper, as pure as my assistants can find.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of John Field, Inventor of the Field

48: John Field, Inventor of the Field

Looks like the camera is taking a quick break from the action to give a friendly spotlight to John Field! He’s one of the originators of this beautiful game, though it’s said he always pushed for matches to take place at night, something about that time of day entranced him. No one playing wanted to do that though, so instead let the area the game was played on be named after him to make up for it. Say what you want, but I’m glad it went that way so we can actually see the action here, the fans in the stadium too I’m sure.

With that said, let’s look away from Field and look back at the field. The Hanseatic players are pushing pretty heavily, maybe they’ll finally get the opening they need to have a shot go in.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Shrimply the Best

49: Shrimply the Best

Potiguara has done it, they’ve conquered a capital, they are now in an exclusive club of I believe 9 members? I believe that even puts them above Tang, so Potiguara second place when? High places for such a small civ still. And yet, they are already pushing on Laguna Los Paces, bringing it down to yellow. Chono could never.

50: Why-Dude

From a report from the 34th Field Gun Brigade. Dated March 1, 1923.

Fuck this stupid siege and whoever decided it was a good idea to attack it. Hey! Don’t write that down asshole! Put on the report that progress is being made but that we are in need of more supplies, especially blankets. Fucking didn’t even give us enough for the horses… -Hey! Stop writing that!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Location Accurate

51: Location Accurate

Pixinguinha is yet another artist taken in the Yanomami assault, with the reports from movement south of Abelhinha it seems that has been their primary objective actually. His upbeat and quick choro music has been a hit among his captors, making him play for their amusement.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of It’s All Your Fault

52: It’s All Your Fault

Ethiopia still holds onto Fatika from when it flipped a while back, but Zazzau muskets and lancers have been charging in, trying to overwhelm the battlefield. They have Fatika and Kuta down to yellow, while Adama is completely ignored. But they could really use a bit more siege weaponry to help out, but at least Ethiopia doesn’t seem to have many units in general.

Hyksos I beg to Set for all that holy to PLEASE ATTACK ETHIOPIA LIKE THIS IS SUCH A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO EXPAND WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO DO SO.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wreckage Maiden, Sparkle, Bottom of the World

53: Wreckage Maiden, Sparkle, Bottom of the World

Guaycuru’s remaining cities still have some heft to them, Jesús María is a massive 28 population, and Misión Pilagá is a solid 18, both have many frigates around them (hmm I wonder if those could’ve been useful somewhere else…). These cities definitely can’t be taken by Potiguara, so they are just snacks waiting for Chono to step in, if they ever do, but for now they are a home away from home for Eso and also the home for a bunch of frigates that aren’t being used. I’m sensing a theme in this episode…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Men Men Musumba

54: Men Men Musumba

Mankhama falls to Seychelles, can they push to Musumba too? They don’t have too many land units to attack with, but Luba only has like, two field guns nearby. Though maybe Seychelles should focus on the encroaching Ethiopian army up nor- Ah who am I kidding they won’t be able to do anything lol.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Blame it on Blamey

55: Blame it on Blamey

Thomas Blamey, yet another general-claiming-admiral isn’t doing the best at taking Gonaibo. It’s down to red, but it’ll be Xaragua’s turn next and they should be able to take out most of the units adjacent to the city at the least. Frigates really are gamechangers it has to be said. And yes, I’ve been here the whole time.

In other news Guaycuru flips and then loses their capital again. I spent like 5 minutes trying to figure out who and how until I realized there was a cuirassier behind the city nameplate.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A General’s All You Need

56: A General’s All You Need

Hunyadi does manage to pull a melee unit out of his ass and retakes Nthakataka. Teo should be able to retake it without much trouble again, but boy that’s gotta hurt. A city so close to their core being flipped quite a few times by a very minimal navy. Bet they sure wish they still had Cholula.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Azure Paler Than the Sky

57: Azure Paler Than the Sky

With the fall of Mankhamba, which Luba did little to defend, they propose a peace and Seychelles quickly accepts so that they may focus on the super grave and important and deadly threat that is Ethiopia (everyone act scared). In the meantime Luba can focus more on their war with Herero which astute viewers may notice we have seen no proper screenshots of. That is because nothing is happening because why would anything ever happen between those two?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of C-C-C-Caral Line Formation

58: C-C-C-Caral Line Formation

Geoffrey O’Hara (I see you copy-pasted-from-a-google-doc apostrophe), while fighting among the defenders of Mataveri, starts using his musical talents to inspire them, and ends up creating the hit song C-C-C-Caral, it quickly travels back to the homeland where people can’t stop singing it, and soon enough the song has become an anthem. Unluckily for O’Hara, they forgot to send more frigates over, so Mataveri is likely to fall just from those few galleasses and muskets.

59: Backvere

It’s the classic “Hanseatic Hail Mary” play here, they’ve stationed Justus well offsides, and you’d think that’d make them be playing a man down. And well, you’d be right, but at the same time the Union seems fully willing to bite the bait, and is keeping a man back themselves to keep watch and make sure Justus can’t screw with their positioning. It’s really quite poor playing from the Union today, they’re playing so defensively, and their players feel slow to run for the ball. The only saving grace is the League can’t make a shot on goal seemingly ever.

60: Gone-aibo

The assault on Gonaibo turns out to be a success! Well it’s likely to be taken back, but that’s still quite the victory for Susquehannock, whose citizenry must be celebrating massively for this achievement, so much that they make peace with Yunnan. Old Sheehays has certainly started bringing more ships south, but still none of them are frigates or privateers, it really is a battle of quantity vs quality here, and currently quantity is winning.

61: Whine-Xude

The Anishinaabe have brought Harold Bloom to the frontlines, he immediately starts criticising things, should’ve expected that one from a literary critic it has to be said. The conditions are deplorable, the city undesirable, the loss of life wasteful. There was no point. Yet on they suffered, for Pontiac needed to control the Rockies, denied at Maka’hmo, he would not be denied here.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Sakura Bakuwan O

62: Sakura Bakuwan O

“Why won’t they fight?!” Guifang shouted to anyone who could hear him, which mostly consisted of the commanders under him at their headquarters in Mindi Rardi. “I’ve requested over and over for them to send the royal navy, what blasted reason could they possibly have for refusing?!”

His commanders stood around awkwardly, eyes drifting off from sleepless nights spent organizing supply lines and setting up fortifications and moving regiments and manning the ports and, well, doing everything they could to survive. None of them had an answer, they had all tried. They knew Guifang wasn’t yelling at them, merely towards them in his exasperation of the anger they all felt towards the leaders of their country.

As Guifang deflated back into his chair, shoulders fallen in defeat, another rested his tea and spoke up. “If I live through this battle, and I see any of those admirals, any of those governors, I’m going to shoot them just as I’ve shot the damned drunkards.” This seemed to finally give the general a chuckle.

“Yes,” Guifang said, “Let us all live through this so that we may kill those bastards in the north with our own hands.” He took a swig of his own tea. “That’s an order.”

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Mazula Devouring His Son

63: Mazula Devouring His Son

Holy shit we finally got a shot of… Francisco Goya! Ignore the western half of this slide, it's not important nothing’s happening over there. Let’s instead talk about Francisco Goya: He was a pretty neat painter I think.

For real though his paintings about the Peninsula War are absolutely incredible, and Saturn Devouring His Son might be one of my favorites, something about it is just, so great, maybe it’s the kind of goofiness of it mixed with the subject matter, and what it means at least in my mind about the times Goya was living in. Also if you want to have a nice time there’s a wonderful youtube video by Jacob Geller titled “Art for No One” that discusses the Black Paintings among some others, highly recommend.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Rock of Ethiopia

64: The Rock of Ethiopia

The namesake of the Rock of Gibraltar, Tariq ibn Ziyad, has joined the Ethiopian cause to try and retake Mbewe from Seychelles. So far he’s seen minor success, damaging Mbewe, but I don’t think it’ll be enough to go much further.

Also hey is that the home of the Fresh Prince up there?

65: Aliens

The past few decades have had quite a hullabaloo about weird artifacts, and as the Cylinder’s greatest mind of magic, Dihya has a theory: Aliens. Aliens have probably taken over some part of the Cylinder, and the most likely target is that of the teleporting knights, the Kipchaks. She quickly declares war once she realizes.

We get a nice shot of Aures finally, they don’t have nearly enough of a land army as they should, but at least they have frigates when their neighbors don’t? Also can we please get a better shot of Portugal so I can do some narrative stuff with João? I’ve been hoping to this whole time as penance for my lack of motivation for the LPS.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Eternalhiritipia

66: Eternalhiritipia

Yanomami’s War of Music continues as Etenhiritipá goes down to yellow and Xavante is down to 6 musicians. Some are smartly hiding at the far end of the civ, but others are right on the frontline, ready to try and blast some tunes to blast away the invaders. But their numbers are dwindling, I think soon the music capital will change.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Bouquet of Salvia

67: Bouquet of Salvia

Okay sure we can ignore the Bjarmia/Vyatka war a bit longer, not like that city capture will mean anything. In more important news, Xaragua has retaken Gonaibo and is on the offensive? They are actually pushing into Susq’s waters. Now this is gonna be the tricky part, because they can make easy work of Susq’s navy, but every ship they lose is consequential. Xaragua can not compete on production, so they have to hope they can turn that army towards Tesinigh or something quickly before more galleasses and galleons arrive.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Irrelevant Ends

68: Irrelevant Ends

Lanfang makes peace with more irrelevant parties rather than doing much to use the big army and navy he has to actually go fight the two enemies he has who are actual neighbors. I mean, what’s a capital even worth anyways?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Escaped By a Hare

69: Escaped By a Hare

O’Hare manages to get out just before the city falls to Teotihuacan (as well as Nthakataka again). However, as I’ve said before, Caral has frigates nearby, they can probably take this back. But they really should try to send more, I can see them just sitting around there in the east.

It seems Aures has managed to get a few more friends to fight the Kipchaks, and Estonia and Tang also decide to jump on Bactria. None of these are relevant. Can the Kipchaks and Bactria just fight each other already?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of You Can’t Make Me

70: You Can’t Make Me

We get a nice look at Shibata Katsuie, a samurai and general once trusted by Oda Nobunaga but here taken under the command of Illunga Sungu to do nothing, because no war is happening here. What a lovely peaceful day.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Umpti Dumpti Had a Great Fall

71: Umpti Dumpti Had a Great Fall

Mercenaries in Bjarmia seem to dislike that Umpti fell and rebelled! This won’t do much especially since those muskets should tear them apart. But it’s the thought that counts. Also shout out to the Phoenician subiremes.

Why do Estonia and the Bjarmians have open borders? Go fight again.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Tower of Campanella

72: Tower of Campanella

Architect Zaha Hadid is petering around the southern Susquehannock lands looking for the next location to build her next monumental work. The new age, one of flight and gunpowder and smoke, and it needs a new design to represent the places that make it up. Hadid knows she will be the one to lead that movement, now if only she could find the right location…

Susquehannock has a very empty backside here, luckily Onondaga sucks ass so won’t do anything, but if Anishinaabe decides they’ve had enough of fighting the mountains they would be able to walk into like 4 cities.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Empty North

73: The Empty North

Because Onondaga for whatever reason failed to settle any of this land earlier, Anishinaabe has slowly been citadelling it over and over until they control all of it. If they drop another on that Great Prophet they could easily fit two cities in there, which is two more than Onondaga because as I said in the previous slide, Onondaga sucks ass. Also sad times for the Umhaill outpost as they’ve lost most of their tiles to this.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Prince Who Runs Through the Night

74: The Prince Who Runs Through the Night

Prince Friedrich Carl Nicolaus, Captain-General of Teotihuacan, failed in his job to protect K’Naahb’Nal. Frankly he had no chance to succeed from the start, when the planes were flying overheard and he was given intel from across enemy lines suggesting that they had many more planes in production. The Captain-General protecting Bejucal is likely getting a bit worried he’ll share the same fate.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Queen of Country

75: Queen of Country

Of course one who doesn’t back down in the face of terror is Dolly Parton, singing her heart out for the country she loves. “Apoena, Apoena, Apoena, Apoena” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as her original chorus, but it would have to make do.

76: またね！

Caral ships come c-c-c-crashing into Mataveri, quickly retaking the city and preparing themselves to push on Sippar and Okaseta. O’Hare, now on a frigate, tells the captain of the ship he still has a desire to f-f-f-fight, so westward they sail.

Still, imagine how much easier this would be if the rest of those ships near the coast joined the battle?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Blinding Blonde

77: Blinding Blonde

Debbie Harry, as one of the only blondes in Bangladesh, starts a band named after her signature calling card, butterscotch brownies. Anyways Lanfang still doesn’t want to try to take the former Pegu capital back so are just, sitting around as the Bangladesh soldiers get to listen to some rock music.

78: Mentality

Ismail Berzeg decides to jump on the autocratic train, what a classic. I wrote about this in the PR slide for them earlier today but to restate for those who don’t read the PRs (which should be no one), Circassia’s in an interesting position where they have a fair bit of strength but the geography makes them both really annoying to invade and really annoying for them to invade others. The main open path is the south, so this new front with Pakistan may cause some problems down the line.

79: Bannerfall

Nurhaci rejoins the royale this time under the command of Vlad, unlucky for him as Vlad does not have a need for generals trying to create great empires. No, the Wallachian state is based on giving: Give your neighbors love, give your enemies cities, and give away all your money. Nurhaci grumbles to himself and decides to just get a home and sit around there until Wallachia dies.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Workers of the World

80: Workers of the World

A mass wave of Cebuan workers hailing from the west are trying to reach their Hawaiian colonies but are blocked by Tang ships, Japanese territory, and an unsettlingly large number of Tlingit frigates heading towards… Oh dear… Hmm that’s not good for Spearthrower Owl…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Forged Tenth

81: The Forged Tenth

Guifang’s eyebags have never been darker, and yet as he sits in a fort on the outskirts of Mindi Rardi, watching for potential landings, he is also furiously writing. Writing page after page of hate, dripping with anger, every profanity under the sun, hurt. Deep, deep hurt, from a betrayal beyond forgiveness. A betrayal not towards him, at least not specifically, but towards the whole island, to the whole people of Lanfang. He passes another page to a courier to stack together to send out later.

A few minutes, and a few pages, later, another courier comes running in, out of breath. He stops writing.

“Sir! It’s Bakuwan!” The courier says with staggered breath, “It’s been recaptured!” He takes a second to refill his lungs. “The front is not lost.”

Guifang turns to the first courier, “Before you send these out, please tell the other commanders of this news. Tell them that we will persevere no matter how much we are thrown out to die.” As the courier leaves to relay the message, Guifang feels a lump deep in his throat and his vision blurs. The still out of breath courier turns away, it is unbecoming of a general to cry, but who could say what that joyous sniffling sound is behind his back, not him.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Fuck tha Police

82: Fuck tha Police

Oh sorry wrong police, this Police is the band. Another in Yanomami’s growing musical entourage. However it seems they’ve changed their focus a bit, Etenhiritipá will probably still fall, there’s three cuirassiers next to it and a crossbowman, but they do have a solid shot of stopping it (crossbow/musket/pike at the southern one, other musket to block the next cuirassier from getting close, and musket on the right to kill that cuirassier. City and the cannon can attack the crossbow or that stopped cuirassier). Will they do that? Uh who knows, AI is known to be shit.

83: Cronyborg

Tlin “Bullshit Religion” git grabs Kronborg in Dzantik’i Héeni, which seems like quite a nice wonder. +25 HP in all coastal cities (of which they have many of) and +50% naval unit production in the city it was built in. Overall gonna make Tlingit much more annoying for rivals to conquer. Booooooooooo.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Jonca (Jeans Ponca)

84: Jonca (Jeans Ponca)

The latest report from the soldiers sent to siege Wáin-Xude states “This is so awful some Poncan business guy is trying to offer us something he’s calling ‘jeans’. We don’t understand why, they do not help with the cold. Please send us more blankets, we haven’t gotten a new shipment in ages.”

The home office places it into the pile of papers to be thrown out after taking a glance at the sender, left unopened.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Moon and No Make-up

85: Moon and No Make-up

Hideyoshi decides autocracy is in fact the best path forward, because only in a fascist, or fascist adjacent, state can he command everyone to place the reverence to his helmet as he believes it deserves. And to be fair, it is a very cool helmet. So big the holiday for it takes up three days instead of just one.

Japan’s got real good states, but they are in a bit of an awkward position it has to be said. Their neighbors are Tang (stronger), Cebu (protagonist plot armor), Itelmen (basically in the same boat), Green Ukraine (sucks ass and needs to die, but that doesn’t help the neighbor issue much), and technically Tlingit across the waters (open borders!). Their best bet for next moves is to probably either go after GU, or build up their frigates and take a proper stab at Itelmen before Tlingit does.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I Don’t Want a Happy Ending

86: I Don’t Want a Happy Ending

She sent the letter out as soon as she could, through a Cebuan trade ship docked in Howth to Bida’Miwina, and from there by horse to the southern coast where the carrier met up with a Teotihuacan fishing boat who brought it to La Esperanza under the cover of night to avoid the planes. Xquenda had done all she could at that point, having moved to the island city’s airbase the previous year. Her eyes had grown sharp over the war, showing little emotion beyond a simmering anger for those who watched for too long. She knew there was a possibility they had run, but she had seen the reports, seen the talk of another city block being brought down by the bombs, a city block in Bejucal she knew far too well. There was little chance they were still out there, a true Teotihuacan doesn’t back down from war. They would be her own personal heroes now.

Yet a month later, a report came back to Howth from the naval front: “The damn fools have nothing to resist us!” She had heard of the Caral incursion in the south, with that invasion and her reports about the incoming Tlingit fleet, why hadn’t they built more ships? Her message had evidently been overlooked, and for that the people would gain more heroes, more bodies who fought for too long.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Comrade Girls, Shoot the Enemy

87: Comrade Girls, Shoot the Enemy

Guaycuru brings in the communist Lê Duẩn (whose name does not show properly in civ) to join the ranks of Admiral-Generals that’s been in vogue for so many civs. He’s already helping out by getting the Guaycuru peace! With the Papal States! Hmm, that's not very useful. But also they lost Laguna los Paces! Wait, that's also not good.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Crumbling Coastline

88: Crumbling Coastline

Nthakataka falls again, as well as Los Horcones to Tlingit up north. Tlingit still has not figured out how to make a navy on the western coast. This is, just awful for them. Caral is beating them up and will keep flipping Nthakataka as long as they can keep sending melee ships up, and Tlingit is about to take everything else. The colonies are also in complete danger.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Even Gods Can Fall

89: Even Gods Can Fall

The Warrior Queen of Zazzau refuses to go down. She started this game being shafted and continues to be shafted at every opportunity but she will not back down, SHE WILL NOT GIVE IN. Amina retakes Fatika and Kuta on the same turn, and surrounds Adama, ready to take it back. With Luba having backed off it seems to have allowed Zazzau a resurgence, all units going east, Ethiopia distracted with a useless war in their own east, Hyksos still watching from above. Set has abandoned these fools, the only truth this land knows is the smoke of a gun.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Bakuwan Bakuwan Bakuwanwan

90: Bakuwan Bakuwan Bakuwanwan

A yell cried out, barely legible over the sound of cannons. “PEACE HAS BEEN MADE WITH BANGLADESH!” it said, it was not what Guifang was wanting to hear, especially as he had heard that Hongsawatoi had not been retaken. No, this was nothing to celebrate, not now, likely not ever. The front with the southern drunkards had slipped, the lack of reinforcements was becoming too great of an issue. And intel suggested that they still had many ships staying around the outpost of Ross. For now Guifang had to hope that the frigates bombarding Sebawi might somehow convince the thick heads of the government and the northern navy to send help south. But for now, he just penned another letter and considered what was needed to defend the city, they’d been in this position before, they’ll be in it again. His tea went cold, maybe the invaders were onto something with their choice of drink.

91: Extra Cheesy

Aures has decided it is time yet again to make the Cheese Pope pay, she could’ve chosen to attack Zazzau but well, that’d be a bit too mean. The Papacy though has been doing nothing, just hanging around, eating cheese, thinking about Set, thinking about what cheese Set would like most. But as with Ethiopia, Set is not here to save the Pope, Dihya will make sure of it.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Modern Major General

92: A Modern Major General

New South Wales is the next civ to enter the Modern Era, most likely through flight. Which is not great for Bunuba. See the thing is that I’ve been hoping for Bunuba to attack NSW this whole episode because I mean, look at them, I’m always anti-southeast-Australian-civ and they have so little army on the island while Bunuba has built up a carpet. If they attacked any earlier they could probably walk into Gubbio, Sillamäe, Chibisa at the least. But with NSW planes on the horizon, that balance may shift back around, though they still gotta start building them. Time’s probably out though.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Reshooting the Afterglow

93: Reshooting the Afterglow

Susquehannock is really trying to prove that quantity is better, as they throw a horde of ships and not quite ships at the Xaragua navy. Most of these should get munched up and sent to watery graves, especially the non-ships trying to invade islands, but the Xaragua fleet is getting battered nonetheless. I do gotta say, this may mean Susquehannock’s chances at a better future might just be kaput, cause like, Xaragua is probably their weakest neighbor and they are currently losing this war.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Whispered Words

94: Whispered Words

Nthakataka flips and flips again back to Caral, and in the north Bejucal falls while La Esperanza stands on its last legs and wew that Tlingit fleet is looking scary. So at least on the info sheet from the end of last episode, Tlingit is first, Teo is 10th, and Caral is 36th. Teo is 2 techs behind Tlingit and 3 ahead of Caral. A third of the army and half the production of Tlingit, and twice for each of Caral. How this compares to after this episode, well, there’s a quote from the PRs that just came out as of my writing this: “But don’t get it twisted, Spearthrower Owl still is and will be a worthy competitor in this game. They still have the might, the production, the science and the heart to pull through and conquer their way to a solid empire that can contend in the top 5. [...] They still have what it takes.” I don’t think this will be said again after what’s happened…

CBR In-Game Screenshot of And Someday, Together, We'll Shine

95: And Someday, Together, We'll Shine

And here we are at the end of the episode, witnessing the fall of Etenhiritipá, the War of Music nears closer to its conclusion. Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur, glowering at each other, are shoved into a room and told to make music together until they get over their rivalry, their partnership is going to become the greatest musical act South America, and possibly the whole world, has ever seen. But for now it’s two guys getting their anger out in raps in a studio in Marimbú, being watched and listened to and judged by Davi Kopenawa himself.

Some notes from the minimap: Bjarmia retained control of those two cities on the frontline. Ribe didn’t fall to Hansa, meanwhile France citadels Hansa. Herero settled the spot they had razed from Maravi. NSW does a bunch of settlement infilling, and Seychelles adds one to Arabia, and Xaragua finally gets a second city on Hispaniola despite them having been able to since like the beginning. Not the most action packed episode all things considered, so I hope my writing was good enough to keep you interested.

Thank you all for reading this, it’s been a good reprieve from my modding project, and next mk I hope to have more than 1 civ in, so that’ll be fun. I still have a comic to make, and maybe I’ll have the motivation to go do another LPS because *SOMEONE* didn’t take any shots focusing on Portugal, and cause I’m gonna be busy with a game jam soon, and I really gotta get the ideas I have down before there’s just too much to cover. So with that, have a good summer, I’ll probably see you again in ~20 parts, fuck Tlingit, and here’s how Pomo can still win!

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