Civ Battle Royale February 04, 2026
Bulletproof Cookie
The rules of war are still being written and existential beliefs take hold of the masses in the worshipping of supernatural deities. Through these events and the need to accumulate resources, who will prosper in this increasingly connected world?
I hope you’ve settled into a comfy position because we are live with the third episode of the Civ Battle Royale X Season Five! You’ll be shown around by this week’s narrator Bulletproof Cookie. Bullets may have not been invented yet in this timeline, but blades are being sharpened and arrows are soaring through the air. Try not to get caught by either!
Sonicfan0511 has humbly graced us with not one but TWO maps! One for episode 1 and 2. You can see when comparing what a difference those 16 turns make at the crucial moments of the early game. And the map will surely fill up more from here.
Lasqueto offers this humorous (or heartbreaking depending on how you view it) depiction on Hotu Matu’a’s concerns over where his spare settler has wandered off to. Could this be the episode where we see him be reunited with it?
(That or it gets dognapped…)
Are you one of our observers? Perhaps a sailor? Even better, a navigator? Hats off to you great people for supporting the cause regardless of tier. Every little dollar fends off the capitalist seagulls that dare to pull us off the air.
Coiot: Introducing our new Supporter screen. For the past years I had been making this by hand (and many times forgetting to update it), but now our supporter screen is built using the live supporter data at the time of each episode release.
New to the screen is showing each supporter's fav civ choice, as chosen when loging into the website. For now I've defaulted everyone to picking Pomo (no particular reason), so if you see your name up here and would like to change this, login in the upper-right above to have your selection displayed for the weeks ahead. Your civ selection is also your civ icon when leaving comments.
This week’s focus on the Power Rankings goes to Tlingit for ascending 21 places up to 2nd after reaching 5 cities, and I too like the dopamine rush from a straight line of settlements forming in a Sid Meier’s Civilization video game.
The dawn of a new era shines over the lands of Ryukyu as the ideals of the antiquity age have reached Sho Shin’s council. Judging from the tech intel documented on the sub’s info sheet for this season, I assume the people have mastery of the art of horseback riding.
Conflict erupts in the middle east as Chieftain Eannatum seeks the seizure of another civilization’s capital in what he deems will demonstrate the sumerian empire’s might to his neighbours.
Sumer’s army of unique Vulture Units (that replace the Warrior unit) begin the seemingly impossible task of traversing past the pastures of sheep sandwiched between the mountains to advance on Qarnawu. The Ma’in capital’s terrain defense will be aided by a Spearman blocking the path and a Chariot Archer stationed to fire arrows at the intruders.
That’s not the only city Waqh’il Sadiq I had to worry about being attacked, by the way…
The eponymous capital of Caral completes the construction of the impressive landmark known as Cheomseongdae. And if the rating the sub’s most brightest observers have given it is any indication, then Caral could become a scientific powerhouse as the populace grows within the city. Best to keep an eye on these folk.
East of them sees the ancient warfare between Xavante and Potiguara come to an abrupt end. But what does Eso plan to do with that lonely settler by the riverside?
It was in 2120BC that the word a new god had entered Pontiac’s consciousness as the people of Anishinaabe embraced the teachings of Methodism.
However, it was not the only development of a new faith in this time. The Bangladeshi citizens adopted their own religious teachings as Dhaka became the holy city of Shaktism.
As Eannatum’s invasion of Ma’in angers Yelu Dashi into publicly denouncing Sumer, Muhammad Ali Jinnah now has to worry about his capital being invaded, too. Tipu Sultan declares war on the Pakistan people, who are defended by several archers.
The infamous Rapa Nui settler continues its trek across the great Australian desert all while another new religion is founded in the Bunuban holy city of Junjawa. It is named Ngarranggarni.
With the African war between Herero and Luba dwindling in relevance, the two sides call off the hostilities for centuries to come.
Portuguese leader Joao II opts to settle the coast of Iberia which leads to a weird presence of french forces in the middle of it where the land is still ripe for collecting. Is Joao dreaming of a naval empire?
So let’s take a closer look at the benefits of those new religions. First, there’s Methodism. I’m not sure why their follower belief is called Pagodas when belief allows them to buy Mandirs but I like the idea of Pontiac thinking that the Mandirs are actually Pagodas and refusing to be corrected on the matter (kinda like that bit where Mr. Burns believes Don Mattingly has sideburns that need to be shaven off).
Ngarranggarni’s beliefs are also listed. Faster border growth when cities are connected to the capital and a culture boost for the palace.
As for Shaktism, extra gold and culture when cities first convert and thankfully Sheikh Mujibur Rahman knows what a Stupa is.
Well now that we’re done with religions let us proceed to…
… Another religion? Eastern Orthodoxy paves its way to Circassia’s now holy city of Shache. Will we soon see fireworks between the now religious civilization and the Catholicism following Scythians?
Remember when I said that Qarnawu wasn’t the only Ma’in city in danger of being attacked? They were still at war with the Phoenicians. And Hiram I is pleased by his messenger’s news that Haramum has been seized from the enemy. And they still have plenty of muscle to topple Kaminahu as their next target should the army continue to push south.
The number of Bactrian units around Demetrias is concerningly low. With a small group of Qara-Khitai approaching the city, Demetrius I may wish to regroup those units within their own territory.
Central American warfare erupts as Spearthrower Owl throws down the challenge against Joseph Maria. Joseph responds by firing arrows at a wooden boat carrying a Teotihuacan settler.
So here’s Eastern Orthodoxy’s beliefs. All that centralised production and science sounds really nice.
With Umhallian ships still damaged from the third millennium B.C. war against the inferior Scottish resistance, Grace O’Malley has already ordered the annexation of Dunfermline into his growing empire. I believe this is the first annexing of a captured city for this season.
The Tang dynasty increased its number of settlements to seven, with the emergence of Zhengzhou and Baoji. Taizong has played the early expansion game well but will need to consider keeping his new territory defended with a standing army in the event his neighbors come knocking on the door with clubs and arrows. The decision to settle Zhengzhou a considerable distance from the rest of his kingdom could backfire as well.
The Ternate remain at war against Lanfang but thankfully Babullah has not much to worry about in 2040 BC as the two Triremes that blockade Sidangou will be flicked away in no time.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I think we have reached the point already that we can officially call off any chance of the Ma’in being a major contender in their region, let alone for the battle royale as a whole.
With the Hyksos Militia throwing themselves into the mix, Waqah’il now has a 3-on-1 disadvantage, and Kaminahu is in big danger of falling too. The only thing that could make this outcome worse is if Hyksos discover Optics and embark their units across the sea.
Another potential holy war down the road emerges as the Ponca found Pohakantenna in Nanza. North America now has its second religion which will surely give problems for Pontiac.
Referring to the religious overview once more, the religion of Pohakantenna offers +1 Happiness for every 8 followers as well as the ability to faith purchase Gompas that provide extra food and gold.
We switch to the Info Addict to glance at a couple of rankings. First, we have Military Manpower. The Maravi are the current mightiest military with 63,592 soldiers under Kolonga Mazula’s command. The other civilizations with more than 60,000 soldiers are Ethiopia, the Hansa, and the Guaycuru.
In terms of technology discoveries, the Ternate civilization leads the pack with 14 discoveries.
The two civilizations that are featured in both lists are the Onondanga and the Bunuba. Whether their bias towards might and science leads them to establish themselves as regional powers remains to be seen.
And before we return to our ancient warfare slaughterfest, pictured here is the Minimap overview. Look at that straight line to Tlingit coastal cities!
As we wrap up the 2000s BC before it enters the history books, we check in on West Africa to see the Aures have wedged Thamugadi between the puppeted Turunku and the rest of the Wassoulou settlements. And what is that army west of Vescera have in store?
Central Asian tensions calm significantly with Yelu Dashi agreeing to make peace with Demtrius… For now.
France-Albert Rene continues to gain a foothold on mainland Africa with the founding of Glacis. Doesn’t look like a great expansion to me but maybe the Seychelles will make the most of it.
The promise of a fourth city brings jubilations as Luba enters a golden age. A Zazzu settler considers a forward expansion towards the happy civ.
Eastern Europe is beginning to become a little crowded. I heard the best solution to this is to invade your neighbours and take their land. I got that advice from Vladimir Pu- Oh wait, too close to home?
My suspicions were correct as the Aures have marched those aforementioned troops towards Bissandugu. The capital’s terrain is probably enough to ward off this wave of attackers, but it marks the start of a new conflict.
Pomo (possibly in light of the emerging Ponca religion) ends the conflict against their North American rivals. Will they use this time to settle the rest of Western USA?
In other news, Xaragura settled their third city in Gonaibo. Good on them.
The astute Phoenician soldiers are poised to enter Kaminahu should they keep up the assault. Just don’t let a Hyksos melee unit wander in before you.
But yeah, this must be sad for Ma’in supporters seeing their civ already falling to bits.
The holy city of Anakena enhances its religion Tupuna, which we will surely be glancing at their additional chosen beliefs shortly.
Speaking of Rapa Nui, have you taken a very close look at the minimap these past couple of slides?
After a 2000 year trek across the pacific and through the Australian subcontinent, the Rapa Nui finally decides to settle down and establishes Hanga Roa next to some riverside cattle. It is a move that I’m sure won’t agitate John Macarthur in any conceivable way whatsoever…
Luba’s golden age is disrupted by that scary Maravi military that is apparently really strong and now Luba must fend off their attackers.
The Putana Tupana follower beliefs offer faith (and marginal culture) gains from unit kills and the ability to build totems. Their enhancer belief adds faith and culture yields to citadels. So look forward to that when the citadel spam occurs.
The Aures offensive does not sway Samori Ture from settling Kerouane by the coast. The Zazzu have another settler that is considering a coastal expansion of its own.
You can barely notice it in the top right corner, but the puppeted icon means Kaminahu has been captured. I believe that was the Phoenicians judging from the last time we saw the city, but I’m only 98% sure of that.
Seychelles decides its time to expand its presence on their southern island and settle Grand’anse Praslin and Beau Vallon. This puts them at seven cities (and the autocorrect on Google Docs REALLY didn’t like the last three words in that sentence because it kept telling me there was a grammar error).
Japan settles Hiroshima in Northeastern Asia. Yurii Hlushko and Harchin will not be happy about the Japanese presence on lands that are (in their mind) rightfully theirs.
Yelu Dashi switches his attention from Bactria to the Kipchaks and ropes the Ket into the throwdown, the latter of which is escorting a settler to Ulytau’s doorstep.
A missed opportunity for a canal city as Teotihuacan’s new city of Pa’Chan is settled between a lake and a coast with some nearby fish.
Having dismantled the Aures wave of soldiers, Samori Ture enlists the help of Princess Pingyang as a Great General to help his early game expansion plans. The Chinese princess and general is probably worth more than a quick blurb and you should consider reading more about her if you have a particular interest in Asian history, Women's history or even just history as a whole. The only daughter of Emperor Gaozu, she was key in helping her father overthrow the Sui dynasty with the capture of Chang’an (their capital) and establishing the Tang dynasty as ruler of China.
Scythia’s wars against Vyatka and Wallachia cause Ateas to enlist the help of a Great General of their own. The enlisted is actually fairly geographically accurate as Mikhail Kutuzow was a Russian field marshall who served under Catherine The Great and held off Napoleon’s attack. Oh, and he survived being shot in the head twice. Sounds like the type of fellow who could help turn the tide in your favour.
Tipu Sultan looks to expand throughout the Indian subcontinent. With Calicut settled northeast of the eponymous capital, a spearman escorts another settler up north adjacent to a river. Two archers provide a distraction to Pakistan's own spearman, with one of the arrow firers on their last legs.
Lennart Meri receives a distress signal from his Estonian messengers, who reveal that the Scandinavian neighbors have declared war, with Bjarmian troops coming from the north to threaten Narva and Parnu. Meri responds by launching a coastal assault on the Kalmar Union city of Vassa for Margarethe I’s part in the coalition against the Estonian people.
The eastern coast of America is further claimed by Susquehannock with Oscalui located in Florida, and another settler can be seen within Conestoga’s worked tiles. But the real question is what plans does that escorted Karankawan settler have as it ventures past Onodangan lands.
The Potiguar military introduces a special unit of battle that Felipe Camarao will be expecting great things from. The Phusa is an amphibious spearman replacement that spawns another of the same unit when a city first trains it (you can see the second unit adjacent to the one highlighted). The city-state bonuses will unfortunately be irrelevant for the purpose of this game.
As all the early game squabbles commence, the Chono quietly move forward with their expansion plans. Aysen is settled with two more settlers traversing to find suitable spots to settle down.
The religious game in North America becomes more complicated with the Pomo entering the fray and founding Bole Maru in Co’kadjal.
Its followers will observe Ramadan which will bolster faith and culture at the expense of every granary’s food output. Religious pressure from the city is also greatly strengthened.
Humabon sends a fleet of Triremes to attack the Ternate capital while the civilization is still preoccupied with Lanfang.
The prioritising of further organising their religion Sunni leaves Pakistan falling behind in the expansion game as the Mysore city of Keladi is settled right next to the Pakistan capital.
Honestly I’m not sure whether the Lanfang populace are expecting great conquests from Luo Fangbo or have just given him the epithet of “the Conqueror” just to mock their leader’s lack of progress against the Ternate enemy. Given the Ternate ship parked on the shores of Minghuang, I am cynically believing the latter.
The Ket found both a sixth city in Serkovo as well as the new religion in their nutritious capital, Samanism.
Our favorite gothic inspiration has also been busy. Craiova is established in the Greek peninsula and Bogomilism is founded in Targoviste.
They are not alone in expanding as the Papal States introduce Ascou to the cylinder.
Cities with Bogomilism as their majority are sure to get a lot of centralized production once their infrastructure is properly built.
Samanism is backed by not only Glacier Spirits but Guardian Spirits too. Oh, and Gurdwaras can be faith purchased.
Pakistan is opting for a faith purchasing strategy, with extra income and culture from their farms and… Okay, I’m pretty sure it’s not actually this, but I’m not the only one who reads part of that last word and thinks “Hydroponies”, right?
The Bjarmians invade the poorly offended Estonia territory and if Lennart isn’t careful, he could be kissing goodbye to his northern provinces. Wassa is lucky that the Bjarmian assault will save the city from actually flipping.
As life in Hiroshima begins to grow in size, Green Ukraine bangs the drums of war as a small army marches closer to Tigil.
And now Dihya declares war on Amina, which only serves to needlessly ramp up the difficulty level on her assault against the puppeted Turunku.
Anito joins this season’s roster of religions as Cebu found it in Singhapala.
Also, the Ternate capital is being blockaded by the wooden boat bunch and is actually taking damage. Can Humabon continue the offensive?
The Zazzu settler is forced to retreat after the hostile declaration of war from Luba.
Chinese conflict arises as Shin Sawbu, disgusted by Long Yun’s puny expansion, sounds the horn as soldiers eye Geiju as their objective. Unfortunately for Long Yun, most of his military are placed nowhere near the threatened settlement.
Still at two cities, the Guaycuru has the army to militarily expand but has yet to make progressive use of his might. You may wish to consider your third city soon.
The Maravi decide to declare war against Sumer for reasons that this narrator doesn’t understand. With Pakistan stagnating in its expansion, a Sumer settler gets in position to forward settle the civilization.
There are also a lot of Seychelles units parked around Baie Sainte Anne. A prelude to an invasion?
You may have noticed the Ket’s unique unit in an earlier slide, but to properly introduce them, the Fish-Oil Bowman is an archer replacement that inflicts a poisoned status on units it attacks, causing the unit to lose HALF of its HP when it next moves. Ouch.
So what’s the deal with Anito? Well, they have lower tile acquisition costs and can faith purchase cathedrals… Wait, how can there be TWO God Of War Pantheons?
As we check back on the Chono, we see the two settlers have decided on their chosen locations and found Puyuhapi and Dalcahue, the former of which another settler is ready to depart.
The Luba settler from earlier picks a home close to Okahandja with the city being named Kabongo. Herero also expanded in an earlier slide with the addition of Okakarara.
And those Sumer Vultures based in Ur will be tested as France-Albert has given the go-ahead from those aforementioned Seychelles units to commence the invasion. Could we be witnessing the beginnings of a major naval power?
Dihya recognises her misjudgements in both diplomacy and warfare and accepts the military operation has been a failure. She reaches an agreement with Samori to end the pointless bloodshed and Turunku remains in Wassoulou ownership.
I also forgot to mention this earlier, but Kajuru was founded amongst all the drama.
The first of many wars for the Australian subcontinent erupts with Jandamarra ordering several squads of Swordsmen to capture Launceston as the first target. Beginning this conflict on the backfoot, John Macarthur will have to weather the storm while not letting the Bunubu outnumber him in the expansion race.
A Rapa Nui archer gradually sails to Hanga Roa to provide a garrison to the city while this is all going on.
For whatever reason, the Hanseatic League pile on Sumer in a growing coalition against them.
The middle of mainland Europe still has plenty of space to settle, something France have done with the appearance of Toulouse.
A Babylonian golden age (that began earlier in the episode) swiftly ends upon the sub’s inhabitants feeling let down by the Luba/Maravi conflict coming to an abrupt end despite the promise of a mighty Maravi force.
Vlad III Tepes gets in on the Sumer isolation movement and does so as the city of Turnu is founded.
We can already see a Hyksos missionary ready to spread the religion of Pesedjet to the other civilizations of the region.
With Estonia distracted with battling Bjarmian forces, the citizens of Vassa start repairing the damaged defenses of the city. Aarhus is also erected in Norwegian shores.
The Pegu military have yet to mobilize to their full potential, but Geiju is already being prodded by the enemy’s pointy spears.
The Ternate capital of Ternate continues to be blockaded by the Cebu fleet. The capital’s high defense (at this stage of the game) is proving to be a key advantage against the dwindling mass of boats still floating.
The Ryukyu have had somewhat of a quiet episode this week, but there’s an opportunity for a naval escorted settler to settle a city in southeast Asia.
And the episode draws to a close with a glance at the Japanese cities that are within reasonable distance of Kyoto. Yonezawa brings their city count to 6 with two extra settlers preparing their journey to find good spots for the seventh and eight. Korea remains yet to be claimed.
Hopefully your supported civilization had their moments in the spotlight this week, whether it was good or bad. That or they were the Rouran.
Tune in next week to see what shenanigans the gang gets up to in the following turns! Who knows what twists may occur this young into the game. Bulletproof Cookie singing out and retreating to the submarine’s lounge to take a rest.
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