Episode 9: Wartime Blues – S5

Release Date:

March 17, 2026

Narrated by:

Vijver

Abstract

Wars break out all over the cylinder that could seal the fate of some civs, and everyone decides that a certain color just suuucks.

Viewing: Vertical

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It’s Go Time

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1: It’s Go Time

Hello everyone, and welcome to Episode 9 of the Civ Battle Royale Season 5! My name is Vijver (pronounced as vy-ver), and I’ll be your narrator for this week. I used to follow the CBR back during Mk. 2, but I fell off around when X1 started. I came back toward the tail end of X4, just in time for total war, and have been active ever since. It’s been a lot of fun and this season has been so cool so far! This will be my first time narrating, and I’m excited to get into it with all of you. I apologize in advance for all the terrible puns coming up in the slide titles. Actually you know what, no, I’m not sorry at all.

1: It’s Go Time

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Ryu Only Live 2wice

2: Ryu Only Live 2wice

Here’s JDT’s nice edit, inspired by Ryukyu’s miraculous self-revival. We thought they were goners, but we were fools.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Teamwork Makes The City Lost

3: Teamwork Makes The City Lost

Another good comic from Orangechrisy, giving us the lore on why Tlingit would effectively give away their city for free.

4: Thank You, Supporters

This show is kept running by our awesome donators. Join the CBR Ko-Fi for cool perks, and get your name on this very screen (don’t forget to rep your favourite civ too!)

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Power Rankings

5: Power Rankings

One of the biggest climbers this week is Luba, who, with the capture of Mankhamba, have turned W I D E.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of North Sea Racing

6: North Sea Racing

We start this week’s action with a look at the Umhaill and Scotland cores. Since last we saw them, Umhaill settled Burrishoole on a one-tile island. They also have another settler on the move. Maybe they won’t overshoot Greenland with this one?

Meanwhile, the League and the Union have invented a new sport, which seems to be some sort of race of whose settler can cross the North Sea the fastest. Place your bets now!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wake Up Babe-ullah, New War Just Dropped

7: Wake Up Babe-ullah, New War Just Dropped

Not content with sitting still for too long, Cebu declares war on Ternate! Their units aren’t really in position for an attack, however. On the other hand, most of Ternate’s navy seems to be vacationing by those Polynesian islands. Looks like Babullah’s going to have to cut that short to defend their home.

8: Going Green

Green Ukraine has fully swarmed Tongchuan, with just a lone catapult there to defend. The city hasn’t taken that much damage yet, but I doubt that will remain the case for long. Kaifeng is also looking rather surrounded, though no damage has been done yet. Tang has some backup sitting fortified in Chengdu. They should probably start mobilizing those units to help defend. Who am I to decide what they should do though? You go do whatever you want, Taizong, I’m sure it’ll end up working out in your favor anyway.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of But This Is Not A Perfect World

9: But This Is Not A Perfect World

Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could say something exciting about the nth Pegu-Yunnan war right now? Something like “Whoa, Pegu coming in out of NOWHERE with the capture of Geiji!! Yunnan is scrambling, I’m not sure they’ll be able to recover!”

Unfortunately, I can’t say that. They peaced out once again with absolutely nothing of note happening.

On the other hand, Rew has taken a bit of damage, presumably from some Bangladesh boats.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Big Day For Trans Stoner Priestesses

10: Big Day For Trans Stoner Priestesses

On the Scythia-Vyatka front, things are looking more exciting. Vyatka has recaptured Nikulitsyn, but it’s not looking at all certain that they’ll be able to hold onto it. Dymkovo is also getting peppered, and Kotelnich is in the red. Slobodskoy is also facing a pretty big assault. Let’s see if Scythia can follow through and make some real gains here.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Sho Shin Of The Dead

11: Sho Shin Of The Dead

Ryukyu is looking real barren after their miraculous self-revival last week. They’ll be around for as long as Tang allows it.

A zombified Sho Shin is reported to be wandering the streets of Nanzan at night, mumbling something about coffins, a big screen, a simulation. Yunnan and Rouran are so horrified by the sight of this, and promptly declare war on Ryukyu.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Inland Cities Are For Losers

12: Inland Cities Are For Losers

That’s a nice looking flotilla of triremes for Tlingit. They could probably make good use of it to take some cities, but they seem content with just hanging back for now. They have also settled the new-ish city of Hoonah. It’s on the coast. What else did you expect?

A lone Ryukyu trireme sails the Tlingit coasts. The last order they got from their ruler was to get the hell out of there. So they did, the remnants of their burning homeland behind them. As far as they know, they are the only remnants of the Ryukyu empire left.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Game Of Timing

13: A Game Of Timing

You might have already noticed in the notification bar, but here we see it live: Yanomami makes peace with Xavante and Teotihuacan. Yanomami times it just right, peacing out while holding the flipfest of a city called Cholula.

At the very top of the screen we can see an ambitious Karankawa settler looking to establish control of Florida.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Crisis Aveirted

14: Crisis Aveirted

Somehow, Portugal has regained control of Aveiro, and I’m not sure if France can muster enough strength to take it again. Porto looks pretty secure for them though. Robespierre has established a great foothold in Iberia for himself, which will be hugely beneficial for potential future Portugal-eating endeavors.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of They’re Doing A Thing!

15: They’re Doing A Thing!

Bjarmia sends out a pretty decent invasion force, although Shabalinskoe hasn’t taken too much damage as of yet. Hopefully for Bjarmia their units don’t get too distracted by other cities.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Insult To Insult

16: Insult To Insult

After an intense shouting match full of shocking and surprising insults hurled at each other, Pakistan and Qara-Khitai call it a day and make peace. The insults will probably not stop, that wasn’t part of the war to begin with. Pakistan is eyeing a cozy spot between the mountains for their next settlement.

We can also see an attempted offensive at Mysore’s city of Karwar, but I don’t see that going anywhere right now.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Are You Tyred Yet?

17: Are You Tyred Yet?

Byblos looks like it’s firmly in Circassian hands now. Luckily for Phoenicia, their very minimal military is mostly concentrated on Tyre, with their spearmen providing a solid defense against the many Circassian horses trampling the place.

A Sumerian and a Circassian settler have an intense staredown. That tense moment could be ruined at any time though. Both settlers are vulnerable to enemy units.

18: Break Out

Scythia delivers, capturing Kotelnich from Vyatka! Nikulitsyn falls to black, and it and Slobodskoy might just fall next turn. Dymkovo is in the yellow, although a peacekeeping Scottish (I think) scout is making things a bit harder for Ateas there.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Desert Fox’s Trap

19: The Desert Fox’s Trap

Some big action in the Sahara as Aures declares war on Wassoulou! A big army is approaching Kabadougou, and Samori Toure’s options for reinforcement are… limited. On the Aures defense, Thamugadi is very lightly defended, though there really aren’t that many Wassoulou forces nearby, so it’ll probably be fine for them. The more worrying point for Aures is Ad Medias in the west. Honestly, I am all for anything that helps resolve the horrifying West African border gore.

Also, I count 8 settlers roaming the Sahara, even though there’s only room for like 3 more cities there. Better hurry up if you still want to plant your flag here, guys.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Who Needs War When You Can Catch Some Good Rays

20: Who Needs War When You Can Catch Some Good Rays

We get a look at the tranquil Hawaiian islands, now featuring the recent Pomo settle of Kula’Napo. What a chill and peaceful place. There are also a bunch of Ternate triremes who might have missed the war memo and are still enjoying their relaxing vacation.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Here Comes The Mooniy

21: Here Comes The Mooniy

A bunch of Susquehannock triremes have sailed a long, long way, and are doing heavy damage to the Anishinaabe city of Mooniyaang. Considering the fact that there’s only a sad little catapult defending, this city won’t last for too long. If they want to, they could even sail on and try to go for Saginaw as well.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Barbarians. In The Tang Empire

22: Barbarians. In The Tang Empire

A wild barbarian has appeared in the middle of Tang’s lands. I think that means that Tang is facing major happiness issues, getting so low that rebel units have started spawning. Nothing their military can’t handle, of course, but being this unhappy can become a pretty big issue for them if they don’t get it sorted out real quick.

23: LULuru

We get a look at Australia, with their novel north-south split of the land. Something worth pointing out (thank you JDT) is that Bunuba have taken control of the Uluru tile, however, the tile is outside of working range of their cities. This means that they won’t get any of the tile yields, instead just getting a global happiness boost.

24: Hissore

Here’s the heart of Mysore’s empire, who have nicely settled the south cone of India. Their carpet of units could have been pretty useful up north though. Pakistan is sending another settler around south.

With the Pegu boats coming in to defend, Rew is looking safe and sound against the Bangladesh attack. Watch out for those Lanfang boats from the other side though.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Religion Watch

25: Religion Watch

Religion map! At a quick glance, it looks like Hyksos has the most cities following their Set cultists. But like, Set isn’t even that interesting of a category, there’s like no structure there. I’d like to see some Grp cultists next time.

Dumb math joke aside, it’s tough competition for religion in North America especially. Some nerds who are smarter than me will probably have more interesting things to say about this map.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Arctic Outpost

26: Arctic Outpost

The Kipchaks, deciding that they prefer things colder, have ventured a settler all the way up to the frigid north, settling Gerey in the snow. Should be free for the taking for the Ket, should they ever decide they want an extra city.

The Pegu settler has ventured to the very north of the map. They are now trying to figure out a way to go beyond the creepy black void that’s blocking their path. Surely, there are incredibly fertile lands there, just waiting for Pegu citizens to work them!

CBR In-Game Screenshot of How About Ab or Ring Instead Of Set

27: How About Ab or Ring Instead Of Set

Hyksos has a cute little core, and they have managed to squeeze Wadjet in just east of Noph. They have a bunch more settlers wandering around, but I don’t think there’s any more room nearby.

On the side we can also see that Circassia is not making much progress against Phoenicia. The Cheese Pope is giving his best to try and take Sidon, but that’s going nowhere either.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Estonia Bestonia

28: Estonia Bestonia

Estonia has decided they also don’t like Wassoulou, so they symbolically declare war on them. It’s a good excuse for us to look at their core. Tren Ín is a new addition here, and I don’t think there’s any more room for new cities now.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of End Of Intermission

29: End Of Intermission

After some chill slides to check out some empires, we return to action as Luba also joins in on the war against Wassoulou. They’re pretty far out and probably won’t achieve much here, but at least it feels a bit more realistic than Estonia’s declaration. Luba could probably make some gains if they were to declare war on their direct neighbours of Zazzau, but fighting those two Wassoulou triremes is also important, sure.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of West Coast Pickings

30: West Coast Pickings

If we pretend that this is the only fighting in the Aures-Wassoulou conflict, things are looking very favourable for Samori Toure. He has Ad Medias surrounded with units, with no Aures defense in sight. I’ll be honest, embarking your chariot might not be that useful, but with enough units they should be able to whittle this city down to 0. As I said, if this helps resolve some of the border gore here, I’m all for it.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Not Quite A Ma’in, More Of A Starter

31: Not Quite A Ma’in, More Of A Starter

Sumeria has mobilized a pretty solid force against Ma’in, though the mountains make things pretty hard for them. Given the frankly kind of pathetic Minaean military, given enough time Sumeria would probably win.

To aid their defensive cause and attempt to prolong their existence just a bit, Ma’in have recruited Janis Balodis to their side. Historically, Balodis served for the Russian Empire, before joining the army of the newly established republic of Latvia in 1918.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Unsqueezing The Box

32: Unsqueezing The Box

A double city capture as Scythia captures both Nikulitsyn and Slobodskoy from Vyatka! With just a composite bowman nearby, Slobodskoy looks unlikely to be flipped back. However, Vyatka might still have something to say about Nikulitsyn. Dymkovo is starting to look pretty exposed as well. This war is turning out very well for Scythia.

In more boring news, Scotland has also joined the anti Wassoulou dogpile.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Consternateion

33: Consternateion

Bunuba turns Ternate’s war into a two front affair, and they’ve come in ready to brawl. Already Dodinga is at half health, and it’s surrounded by Bunuba boats. Ternate’s navy is seemingly still out vacationing somewhere else. I’m not sure Jandamarra’s going to be able to make any gains besides Dodinga though, unless they mobilize their navy over to Sidangoli.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Trouble Is Rewing

34: Trouble Is Rewing

The Lanfang navy has joined the fight against Rew, meaning the city’s in some real danger of falling now. They are lead by Admiral Artemisia. Historically, she was queen of Halicarnassus, and she personally commanded ships during the naval battle of Artemisium.

Over in Africa, Herero declares war on Luba.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of All The Cool Kids Are In The Wassoulou Smells Club

35: All The Cool Kids Are In The Wassoulou Smells Club

Uh-oh. Wassoulou’s in real trouble now, as the Ket have now joined the coalition against them. While this is obviously not of any consequence, we do get a nice look at the Ket core, which they’ve been building out nicely, padding the area with plenty of cities. And they have 3 more settlers on the way too. They’re also slowly spreading their religion, which will make their cities harder and harder to take as it spreads more. As a reminder, they get +1 City Strength for every city following their religion.

The Pegu settler, mad that the black void was impassable, has gone back to land. Maybe we’ll see a little snow city from them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Pontiac Gets The Last Laugh

36: Pontiac Gets The Last Laugh

Anishinaabe have padded out their core with Baawitigong, and Shgagwei is looking solidly theirs. Pomo is mounting an offensive on Waawiyaataanong, but there’s some solid defenses around in the area. On the right side, just behind the notifications, we can see that Mooniyang is in the red, but the Susquehannock boats seem to have forgotten what they were supposed to be doing there. All in all, the triple threat against Anishinaabe has not done a lot for the aggressors.

The Papal States also decide that Wassoulou smells. At this rate, who’s isn’t at war with Wassoulou?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I’ll Be Seeing You

37: I’ll Be Seeing You

In real life, the Xavante are known for collaborating with a heavy metal band to make an album. In the CBR, they opt for a very different genre, getting jazz legend Billie Holiday on their side. As far as I know, this is the first Great Musician we’ve seen.

We also see the Caral core, who seem to have focused a good amount on building up their navy.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of And The Winner Is…

38: And The Winner Is…

The Union gets there first before the League, winning the North Sea race. Their prize is getting to settle Sigtuna on a two tile tundra island. I’ve seen better prizes, but you gotta take what you can get. A dejected League settler treks on, looking for other places to settle.

39: Getting Rewed

Artemisia leads her fleet well, as they capture Rew from Pegu. There’s not a lot of Pegu boats around, so it’s looking to stay yellow. Sadhuim looks like it might be in some trouble now too, provided the Lanfang boats don’t get distracted by the units around the Pegu capital.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Crisis Aveiry Real

40: Crisis Aveiry Real

Portugal and France make peace, with the French ending up with Aveiro after all. This was a very good war for Robespierre. João might be trying a bit harder than Maria, but it’s not looking great for his long term prospects.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Tyred Of Fighting

41: Tyred Of Fighting

Phoenicia and Circassia also call things off, with a clear Circassian victory, gaining Byblos from this war. This really cuts Phoenicia in half, with their eastern holdings looking pretty difficult to hold on to, should someone like Pakistan or Bactria decide they don’t like Phoenicia. Maybe Hiram will use this time of relative peace to finally build up some military units? The Phoenician settler seems to have been captured by Circassia, by the way.

We also see a notification that Scythia has once again captured Nikulitsyn, which was apparently flipped back by Vyatka off screen.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Moo For Shabalinskoe

42: Moo For Shabalinskoe

Steady progress is being made by Bjarmia against Shabalinskoe. They might pull off the capture here, though there’s some resistance from Vyatka left.

The wriggly Rouran boys also hate Wassoulou.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hilly Settling

43: Hilly Settling

Pakistan has settled Gujranwala, though they might want to reinforce it, considering those Bactria units near the border. On the east side of their empire, there’s a staredown between the Pakistan and Mysore armies. Will this turn into action anytime soon?

Also, check out Karachi on 30 population. I’m not sure there’s other cities as big as that, though admittedly I am not paying attention.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of If You Win, You Gotta Do It In Style

44: If You Win, You Gotta Do It In Style

Fashion designer Paco Rabanne decides to bring his designing talents to New South Wales. They’ll be walking around in pretty clothes there very soon. According to John MacArthur, this is an integral part of their strategy to end up victorious.

45: Mid-off

The battle of bad North American civs starts as Karankawa declares war on Ponca! I doubt Karankawa’s going to be able to make any gains. If anything, it’ll just soften them up to make a future offensive from Teotihuacan easier. Hey, at least they’re trying to do something about their situation.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Saharan Showdown

46: Saharan Showdown

The Aures military has brought Kabadougou down to the red. The city looks sure to fall soon. Some Wassoulou units make a desperate attempt at Vescera but it ends up looking pretty sad.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I’m Out Of Fitting Rew Puns

47: I’m Out Of Fitting Rew Puns

The Pegu boats have disappeared, but perhaps that one spearman could flip Rew one more time. Admiral Artemisia, meanwhile, has decided to go sightseeing in Hongsawatoi during an active war. You could call it strategic scouting too, if you want.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Saharan Shutdown

48: Saharan Shutdown

Indeed, as the Aures turn is processed, they capture Kabadougou. I don’t think Wassoulou has any chance of getting it back. On the west side, Ad Medias is holding on, and if Wassoulou keeps those units embarked there’s not a great chance of taking the city. Surely, it’s part of their master plan, just like turning the entire cylinder against them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Big Bunuba Bang

49: Big Bunuba Bang

And as we saw in the notification last slide, Bunuba has captured Dodinga. There’s also a solid army headed towards a barely defended Sidangoli, but there really aren’t enough land tiles for all those units to stand on. They better get their boats over there fast if they want to have a chance at taking the city.

Ternate is unbothered, and gets ready to settle another city at the frontlines of the war. I, uh, recommend against this.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Getting Back To Work

50: Getting Back To Work

A Japanese fleet led by Marc-Joseph Marion du Fresne explores the islands in the Pacific. The Ternate navy seems to have finally received the war message and are begrudgingly headed home, their vacation cut short.

51: Too Many K’s

The Ket team up with Kalmar as they get into a kerfuffle with the Kipchaks in some real K-on-K action. The Ket claim they are the most special K, meaning they should be the ones holding Kara, and perhaps Ak if that counts as a K city. A small army is headed out of Kangatovo to knock the Kipchaps down a peg.

The Kipchak defense is led by Almanzor, historically the chancellor of the caliphate of Córdoba. Eh, a C is almost a K, right?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Not Going Green

52: Not Going Green

The force surrounding Tongchuan has… vanished. Poof. Gone. Where did it go? Who knows. Somehow the city is on full health. Kaifeng is taking some damage, but a bunch of those Green Ukraine units have overshot the fighting, pushing way further than is probably wise right now. Surely they can gain SOMETHING out of this war, right??

The city of Svobodnyy is new, at least.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of I Love The Ponca City In The :) Mountains

53: I Love The Ponca City In The :) Mountains

The Ponca make peace with Onondaga. I didn’t even realise they were at war to be honest. We get to look at the tiny Ponca core, and as expected, all that Karankawa is doing is throwing their units into a meat grinder. If all that’s left of those units is their fingers, they’re probably dead. That’s not a great result for them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Immortalized In A Video Game

54: Immortalized In A Video Game

A few Xaragua triremes harass Uaxactun, but there’s no great shot of them actually taking the city. The kissing birds also recruit Great Admiral Xu Fu. Xu Fu was historically a court sorcerer in the Qin dynasty. He was sent by Qin Shi Huang to find the elixir of immortality. He never returned from his second voyage. Perhaps he found some kind of dimensional portal, leading him to end up some 2000 years in the future inside of a Civ AI simulation. That’s not a fate I’d want to have, honestly.

The Karankawa settlers are still deciding whether they want to settle Florida or not. I get it, it’s a big decision, take all the time you need.

55: No Comment

Green Ukraine- uh, I, uh… What?? I don’t know what to say here. Those Tang diplomats are on another level, man.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Feeling Sadhuim

56: Feeling Sadhuim

Sadhuim is almost fully surrounded by enemy ships, and won’t hold on for much longer. Logically it would end up in Lanfang hands, but maybe Bangladesh can snipe it. Admiral Artemisia, wearing some suspiciously Pegu-themed souvenirs, decides that they should strategically not bother with Hongsawatoi for now.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The People Want War

57: The People Want War

To celebrate the success of Scythia’s war efforts, Ateas smokes some good stuff with his priestesses. They advise him that the power should be with the people, as Scythia declares itself a republic.

The only vulnerable looking city from Scythia here is Nikulitsyn, but there’s only a single Vyatkan melee unit in sight, so I’m not sure it’ll be flipped again.

58: Galela Figaro

New South Wales’s navy is now fronted by Peter Wessel Tordenskjold. He was a Dano-Norwegian navy officer, whose greatest exploit was to destroy a Swedish supply fleet.

On the top right of the screen we see that Ternate has settled Galela, which instantly starts getting harassed by Bunuba boats. It might actually buy them some time to reinforce Sidangoli.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Blood-soaked Trees

59: Blood-soaked Trees

We take a look at the meatgrinder that is the Potiguara-Xavante war. Bet you forgot about that one, huh? I did, at least. Because literally nothing has happened.

60: K Then

The recent Kipchak settle of Gerey is getting attacked by a bunch of Ket units and it looks like it will fall soon. That army seems a bit overkill, honestly. Could have sent like half of those units to the south, where the Kipchaks are actually putting up a fight.

Pegu settler update: deciding whether they should settle this bit of snow or the snow just over there.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Something Bjappens

61: Something Bjappens

Bjarmia has put Shabalinskoe in the black. There are no melee units next to the city, but if they can get a spearman to move nearby they could take the city.

In other big news, Bjarmia decides that one war isn’t enough, so they decide to go in for another round with Estonia. They really don’t have a lot of units ready to fight here, and if anything, those Estonian spearmen near Shabalinskoe could hinder their effort of taking the city.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Moment Of Reprieve

62: A Moment Of Reprieve

Ternate and Cebu make peace after a rather uneventful war. Maybe Cebu got intimidated by the sight of Great General Rafael del Riego. Del Riego led a military uprising in Spain that led to the Trienio Liberal, a three year period between 1820 and 1823 where a liberal government ruled the country.

The vacation fleet now needs to hurry south to help defend against the Bunuba invasion.

63: Feeling Blue

After Wassoulou, it turns out that after Wassoulou, the new blue civ to hate is Estonia. We have Ma’in, Pegu and Seychelles joining the coalition. I don’t think there will be any problems for Estonia here, even if their direct neighbours join in.

64: Bungling It

Ternate retakes Dodinga, using a horseman which upon closer inspection was sneakily hiding behind the Bjarmia-Estonia DOW in slide 62. This might get pretty rougher for Jandamarra than intended, since his boats have already mostly moved on to other targets, and there’s a pretty sizable force now working to defend Dodinga.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Don’t Hold Your Horses

65: Don’t Hold Your Horses

On the frontlines of the recently declared Herero-Luba war, not much progress is being made by either side. We do see a bunch of horses surrounding Kabongo. Seems like Jacob Morenga really loves his horses, huh? Like half of his military consists of them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Blue Is Not What You Gotta Do

66: Blue Is Not What You Gotta Do

The Kalmar Union, not wanting to be left out of the latest anti blue trend, joins the war on Estonia. There’s a decent force around Vassa, but I’m not sure if it’ll be enough to pierce Narva.

This must be why Estonia gave away Rakvere to Hansa. They saw this coming and didn’t want to feel the humiliation of a city getting taken from them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of If They Ever Take Cholula, It’ll Be The Panama Caral

67: If They Ever Take Cholula, It’ll Be The Panama Caral

A sizable Caral fleet is approaching Teotihuacan coasts. There’s a couple of Teotihuacan boats there to meet them head on, though. They certainly have ambitions, you have to admit. If they break through, they might be able to harass Waka’.

Off screen, Nikulitsyn is flipped once again by Vyatka. Seems like that one spearman reached it after all.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Captured One City Now We’re Heading Southbound

68: Captured One City Now We’re Heading Southbound

Bolstered by their success, Aures targets Turunku next. There is no opportunity for reinforcement from Wassoulou, so we will probably see this city flip soon. That’s what happens when you allow Aures to cut your empire in half.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Declare War On Blue, No Matter Who

69: Declare War On Blue, No Matter Who

Having made peace with Phoenicia, Circassia directs some of their forces toward the Sumerian capital of Lagash. The Sumerian army is probably still distracted with attacking Ma’in (or they’re all banging their hot wives), this could turn out bad for Sumer.

Circassia, Bangladesh and Yunnan also join in on the new anti blue coalition. Seriously, what did those guys do wrong?

70: Pegu’s Pegged

Bangladesh ends up being the one to take Sadhuim. No Pegu units are anywhere close, so it looks like Pegu’s dreams of island hopping are over.

Artemisia, realising she probably got scammed in the Hongaswatoi gift shop, orders a naval invasion of the city in response. A bunch of Bangladesh units are also approaching by land. This could spell real trouble for Pegu if they don’t manage to peace out very soon.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Just Out Of Reach

71: Just Out Of Reach

Seeing that Lanfang is distracted by a war in the north, New South Wales attempts to capitalize and declare war on them. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of room to reach the Lanfang cities because of the Bunuba cities in the way. On top of that there’s some peacekeeping Bangladesh boats blocking the way too. I like the ambition here, John MacArthur, but I don’t think much will come of this.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Keep It Down, Will You?!

72: Keep It Down, Will You?!

Tired of Pakistan’s constant complaining about making too much noise at night, Sumer declares war on them. Simply speaking, this is incredibly stupid. This means that Sumer is now facing two fronts, while the bulk of their army is distracted fighting another war. If Pakistan can mobilize properly, they could make good gains here.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of More Than A Meatgrinder

73: More Than A Meatgrinder

Looks like I spoke too soon earlier! Húbdon goes down to yellow, and Karankawa’s army looks like it could win the city given a bit more time. Even if they win the city, it’s not going to do a lot for their winning chances, but at least they make themselves more interesting.

74: Arctic Gains

The outpost of Gerey has, as expected, been captured by the Ket. Olgit’s going to want to move all of those units south now, if he wants to have a chance at taking Kara. The Kipchaps seem to think that settlers are useful for fighting, using two of them to help defend Ak.

Pegu settler: back in the water. After a thorough investigation, they have concluded that snow just isn’t their vibe.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of South American Slumber

75: South American Slumber

The Xavante and Potiguara make peace, satisfied that the trees are now stained red with blood. That’s how the South America goes, isn’t it?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Resolving The Border Gore

76: Resolving The Border Gore

Aures gets Turunku down to red, so they’ll probably be able to pick up the city soon. On the other side of the Sahara, Ad Medias looks to fall soon to Wassoulou. Overall, I doubt Dihya is going to complain about this two-for-one city trade.

I’m just feeling happy that the border gore here is about to be fixed within a single war.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Red Alert: Things Are Bjappening

77: Red Alert: Things Are Bjappening

To add to Vyatka’s already disastrous episode, Bjarmia follows through and takes Shabalinskoe. With just a composite bowman standing next to the city, odds of it being retaken are slim.

On the left side, we see an Estonian army making their way to Bjarmian territory. This could be a problem, as they outnumber the defense by quite a bit. Seems like Lennart Meri felt emboldened by the entire cylinder declaring war on him.

78: Rapple Nui

About three quarters of the way through, we finally get a shot of the glorious one-city Rapa Nui empire. They have put a few spearmen on some islands, who have been ordered to pretend they’re cities. I don’t think anyone’s going to fall for it. Maybe build an actual settler, Hotu Matu’a.

To turn their fortunes around, they enlist the help of Steve Jobs. Perhaps this will increase their stock value. I recommend investing! (I am not liable for any potential losses)

79: Aures Farming

Turunku falls to Aures, and remaining Wassoulou units are dwindling. A single swordsman could be their last hope for retaking the city, but that won’t last. Wassoulou’s play to take Turunku from Zazzau in the first place was great, but it was just too out of reach to properly hold on to.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Rest And Repair

80: Rest And Repair

Scythia and Vyatka make peace, with Vyatka miraculously holding on to Nikulitsyn. That really could have easily been taken by Scythia, but gaining two cities is a great result for them nonetheless. Vyatka still has plenty of cities left, but this is a big blow for them. Time to lick your wounds and rebuild, there’s always next time.

81: yawn

Welp, that was uneventful. Luba and Herero peace out before anything could even take place. A disappointing war for all involved.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Wriggle Wriggle Wriggle

82: Wriggle Wriggle Wriggle

We get a look at the Rouran core, with plenty of Wriggling Riders wriggling their way through the land. A bunch of settlers mill about, looking for some space to put down a new city.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of It Finally Happened

83: It Finally Happened

Wow, Japan actually settled northern Honshu?? They waited a bit too long though, as the Itelmen manage to put down Taren in the very north. I know people have been complaining about Japan not settling to the north. Is this good enough for you guys? It’s something, right?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Breaking Out Of The Frigid North

84: Breaking Out Of The Frigid North

Bjarmia makes peace with Vyatka, securing Shabalinskoe for themselves. Two brave Estonian spearmen would like to have a say in that, though. I don’t fancy their chances. On the left, Estonia continues their steady advance towards Bjarmian lands.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of A Cleaner Divide

85: A Cleaner Divide

Ad Medias falls to Wassoulou. Ahhh. Look at these non-gory borders. What a beautiful sight. Makes me feel at peace inside.

86: Going Broke

The Susquehannock invasion of Mooniyaang has completely evaporated, save for one low HP trireme. I’ll admit I had bigger expectations here, I have no idea what happened to that attacking fleet.

Onondaga settles Onontatacet on some frozen islands, because why would you settle the wide open forest close to home?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Dihya Wears Prada

87: The Dihya Wears Prada

Ethiopia selects Wassoulou as their lumpy blue civ to declare war on. They think this has nothing to do with them. They try to tell the world that they take themselves too seriously to care about who they declare war on. But what they don’t know is that Wassoulou is not just blue. It’s not cerulean. It’s actually coral.

They are also blithely unaware of the fact that in 175AD, Dihya did an invasion of Wassoulou. And then I think it was Lennart Meri who joined the coalition? And then Wassoulou quickly showed up in the war declarations of five different civilizations. And then it filtered down through the mid tier civs and then trickled on down into some tragic rump state, where Ethiopia, no doubt, fished a war declaration out of some clearance bin.

And it’s sort of comical how they think that they’ve made a choice that exempts them from the war industry when, in fact… They’re declaring war on a civ that was selected for them by the other leaders on this cylinder… From a pile of “blue civs”.

…Apologies, I got carried away completely. In terms of what’s actually happening on this slide, there’s actually still room for a city or two around where those Ethiopia and Luba settlers are having a staring contest. Will it really matter if you blink first if that makes you the first to settle a city?

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Double Trouble

88: Double Trouble

Sumer is now dealing with the full wrath of two angry neighbours. Lagash is almost fully surrounded with units, though the city itself hasn’t taken any damage yet. On the eastern side, a large Pakistan force is knocking on the door of Uruk. I don’t think they’re going to wait for Sumer to open the door for them.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of The Yellow Storm

89: The Yellow Storm

A wave of yellow encroaches on Pegu lands, with the first land units starting to make landfall near Muttama. Bangladesh is applying pressure as well. That defence does not inspire much confidence, Pegu. It’s time to start praying to whoever it is that you worship.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Chono Mentioned!

90: Chono Mentioned!

Bunuba captures the fresh Ternate settle of Galela, as well as having retaken Dodinga somewhere since we last got a shot of this war. In response, Chono declares war on them. That’s the first time I get to mention Chono, which is sad to say for me as a Chono supporter. Much more relevantly though, New South Wales also declares war on Bunuba. We don’t have a clear picture of the frontlines, but that’s something exciting to look forward to for next episode.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Blue? More Like Boo

91: Blue? More Like Boo

Hansa decides to join in on the anti Estonia coalition, and quickly starts harassing Tren Ín. Neither side looks too interested in this war, however, given the lack of units at the front. Maybe Lennart Meri will decide to gift Hansa another city, as a treat.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of My Dearest Apologies, Ponca

92: My Dearest Apologies, Ponca

Karankawa, feeling so guilty for even dealing some damage to Húbdon in what was supposed to be a peaceful and uneventful meatgrinder, makes peace and gives away Coco while they’re at it. This is incredibly baffling. They had Ponca in the red!! They were going to capture the city!! And instead they give a city away?? Oh Civ AI, never change.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Must… Settle… Coast…

93: Must… Settle… Coast…

Tlingit sends a few units toward Shgagwei, but it’s barely an actual effort. A bunch of Anishinaabe units march toward Pomo lands, but not a lot is coming out of it as of yet.

Tlingit has also settled a one-tile snow island with Aangóon. It’s certainly a choice.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of You Could Also Just Buy Fewer Stakes

94: You Could Also Just Buy Fewer Stakes

And to finish off this episode, we see Wallachia continuing to refuse to declare war on a direct neighbour. At least Estonia’s a bit closer. You’ll do it next time, Vlad! Wallachia’s empire is carpeted in mostly chariots. Burning a bunch of those would benefit them greatly. Maybe it’ll get their science back to double digits again.

And with that, I have been Vijver. Thank you for reading (or listening to) this week’s episode. I had a lot of fun narrating for the first time!

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