Power Rankings: Episode 19 – S5

Release Date:

June 15, 2026

Narrated by:

Power-Rankers

Abstract

Power Rankings! The rankings…of power! Dun dun dunnnn!

Viewing: Vertical

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Rapa Nui

1 / 0

1: Rapa Nui

JDT:

The Civilization Battle Royale has been privy to some very, very bad civs over the years. Byzantium got their ass beat by Sparta within the first 10 episodes and then spent quite a while longer writhing in pain, exiled with no hope or prospect of doing anything. Xia got curbstomped so early that they might have the unbeatable record of earliest CBR death. Minoa was placed in the singularly most hopeless TSL ever conceived in an AI game and never got to do anything. Peru-Bolivia’s two singular contributions to the game are cucking over fellow bottom feeder Gran Colombia and completely breaking the game’s code for trade routes. The Comanche took over 60 turns to settle a second city, sending settlers on worthless expeditions and getting quashed very fast by the Arapaho. And the Shawnee played the game on sleep mode, settling one city and otherwise just letting themselves get bullied by the Crow, Seneca and Osage. Why did I mention such storied entries into the Hall Of Shame? Because, dear reader, I believe that Rapa Nui is worse than all of them.

If the Comanche failed to reach the starting line Rapa Nui failed to even come into the stadium. At least at some point the Comanche tried to play the game. Rapa Nui never got close to that. Voted in sort of as a meme, I had personally dreaded the entry of Rapa Nui for years, as every single indication showed they will be an uncompetitive, boring civ that I simply do not prefer over other regional civs like the Abemama, Samoa or the splatted Maori creeds. The conceit of them was simple - they spawn next to South America, meaning that unique to every other Polynesian civ, they can in theory start the game by settling parts of Peru. Of course, this was easier said than done. Caral is a coastal civ, making even settling there harder, and even in the circumstance they settle there history dictates they’d simply be the worst Andes civ of all time, serving little purpose other than gameruining Caral. This wasn’t the most common opening though. Usually, they just did average Polynesian civ stuff - settle the islands, faff around for a while then die when they get outscaled by whoever is the most powerful in the Pacific around turn 300. However, when the game began, something truly unfathomable happened - Rapa Nui decided to do neither opening.

Instead, they decided to pull a Comanche, pushing their second settler westwards in a grand expedition into realms unknown. It was a truly exciting series of episodes, watching and speculating where the settler could go, as it moved past Micronesia and New Zealand, and wandered deep into the Australian outback, grazing the seemingly divine site of Uluru before deciding they’d rather not reach enlightenment, and finally settling down the completely indefensible colony of Hanga Roa in South Australia. Not long after, Rapa Nui firmly demonstrated that their only dedication in this game is to being a living meme, because instead of settling a normal third city site they put down the city of Hanga Piko in Papua New Guinea. Of course, neither city lasted long in their grasp, which makes sense since they were very far and the civ refused to build many more settlers nor actually build or research stuff. However, in another move of dank memery, they decided to do a move that would fundamentally change the calculus of the game - in the face of Bunuba conquest, they gave Hanga Piko to Caral, allowing Caral to start colonizing Polynesia and preventing New South Wales and Bunuba from asserting dominion over the region.

After Hanga Piko though, came the waiting. The dreadful, agonizing waiting. At this point, we knew that the only thing that awaited them was death. They refused to build any additional settlers, refused to declare any wars, refused to build any wonders, refused to build any military. They just sat there and waited, patiently smiling and hoping to get put down. The moment a civ realized they can just throw boats at Rapa Nui with complete irreverence, they were toast. And in the meantime, they proceeded to sit still and do literally nothing for 7 episodes. Then, in Episode 18, it finally happened. Needing to inspire confidence after getting snatched by Chono, the Caral opted to invade them, following up from a very abortive invasion from Cebu. Despite initial concerns from Caral’s complete lack of melee ships, the power of Frigates and a couple of stray pikemen were enough to secure Anakena, ending the story of the worst civ that the CBR has ever seen.

…or so we thought.

Ever the memelord, and wishing to replicate the Senzu Beaning Sho Shin brought to Ryukyu, Hotu Matu’a settled the city of Mataveri in the Pitcairn Islands, extending their lifespan for another… 18 slides. Yeah unlike Sho Shin, Matu’a was too lazy to actually peace out with Caral, resulting in the Caral ending this second chance at life promptly. But nevertheless, this final act showed the true value of Rapa Nui, and a maxim that defines the CBR - any civ can be remembered. You don’t have to be the best, the fastest, the strongest or the coolest. Sometimes, just being incredibly stupid and giving us viewers joy and whimsy for an hour of our tedious lives is more than enough. Hotu Matu’a, you are in every respect, truly the bottom of the barrel. But we wouldn’t have it any other way in this silly, crazy world of ours. F.

1: Rapa Nui

JDT:

…or so we thought.

2: Wassoulou

NopeCopter:

Every season, there are a few civs which dramatically underperform, betraying all expectations. Often, it’s more than a few. There are a few different factors behind this phenomenon. The first and most obvious is just that the CBR is a volatile beast. Even when the PRs are provided with plenty of high-quality test runs, even when a civ is known from prior games to be an absolute monster, one wrong roll of the biases or one odd occurrence can lead to a dud game. This is a large part of what makes the CBR so interesting: anybody can win on the day, so to speak. On top of that, game-runners have historically intentionally picked more interesting runs to see through to the end. This isn’t exactly rigging the game, since the final run is chosen far before the endgame, and it doesn’t even apply here since X5’s final run was just the first one to make it past turn 200, but naturally this is going to benefit underdog civs. Then there’s the fact that not every test game is created equal. Balance adjustments are made during testing, making old tests unreliable, and runs which only cover parts of the map can give the illusion that a civ may be better or worse than expected thanks to a lack of enemies on one side. Heck, some Power Rankers don’t look at the test runs at all, and non-PRs rarely get to see many test runs in the first place!

Regardless of the reasoning, though, civs underperform in every CBR, and X5 is no exception. Some high-ranking civs have started impressively only to be cut down, like the Pomo and Vyatka. Others never seemed to try at all, like the Ponca and Yunnan. But Wassoulou is a particularly odd case, because they were the victims of something more sinister - in effect, they were assassinated.

Starting way back at the beginning, Wassoulou was a civilization that was voted in amid a lot of uncertainty. Having been coded only recently and not officially released, the mod was effectively untested in the field of battle (don’t worry, I made sure the code worked, obviously). In fact, they only even received their icon the day before the voting map was released! After being voted in, then, there was a question of whether or not Wassoulou was a legitimate player. And after some initial tests… they were like, fine? They generally came out on top in West Africa, but rarely went much further, and Zazzau was a worthy opponent. However, both of these civs probably looked more impressive than they were, since much of their empires were worthless desert (which was probably why they never went anywhere). Textbook regional power, really. Somehow this translated into “Wassoulou is a top competitor”, though, and Wassoulou came to be known as a serious contender from the throne.

However, there was an issue: the Aures. While the Aures did have a couple of good test runs, they were by and large underperforming, and the developers in particular considered them unacceptably terrible. And so… the Sahara was buffed. Massively. The desert was shrunk down significantly and made a whole lot greener, using the argument that the Sahara was indeed much greener in 4,000 BC. And thus, the Aures received one of the largest mid-testing buffs of any civ in history.

Now, it would be easy to call this sabotage on the part of the game runners (I tell myself this to cope), but in reality it really wasn’t all that unreasonable. The Aures didn’t need nearly that much of a buff in my opinion, but they probably did need one (the Maghreb is pretty infamously terrible), and the southern side of the Sahara was also reduced, which meant Wassoulou and Zazzau also benefited from the change. Even after the terrain modifications, Wassoulou was still GENERALLY better than the Aures, even if the two were a lot more even. The main issue from the PR side is that most people didn’t change their rankings to reflect this new reality, giving the impression that the Aures were more of an underdog than they really were, although honestly the Aures weren’t exactly expected to beat out Wassoulou anyways. All of this set the stage for the Episode 0 PRs, and then, Episode 1.

Wassoulou’s start was… mediocre, to say the least. A normally expansionist civ, Wassoulou began Episode 1 by ignoring Settlers entirely as Zazzau and especially the Aures absolutely exploded onto the scene. Most wrote this off as nothing more than a slightly odd first few turns, but a few noted the similarities to X2’s Nigeria and Burkina Faso, where Nigeria had a quiet first episode of building up before launching a brutal invasion of the expansionist Burkina Faso. Shockingly, in Episode 2, this actually happened. And what’s more, Wassoulou actually made it work! They marched their troops across the wide-open Sahel and managed to capture Turunku from Zazzau, right in the midst of their core. They hadn’t started building Settlers of their own yet, but they’d just irreversibly crippled their greatest threat. They had time.

Or, in a just world, they’d have had time. Because the CBR is a cruel, cruel place, and just as the final run always has civs that underperform, it also has civs that overperform. This time, one of those civs was the Aures, who had begun an early settling spree unique in both its intensity and its cruelty. Rather than filling out the Maghreb as one might expect, they instead decided to immediately forward-settle both the Papal States and Wassoulou. Vescera was placed right on the Niger River directly between the Wassoulou core and their new city capture. It was a brilliant call - Zazzau was too weak to be a threat after this defeat, and Wassoulou was both distracted and exhausting their military forces, so grabbing the fertile river lands and reinforcing them before anybody could do anything about it basically suffocated both Sub-Saharan powers in their cradle. But the Aures weren’t done. What followed was Thamugadi, another Aures city even FURTHER south, completely severing Wassoulou’s new conquest. And then, as the cherry on top, they declared war on Wassoulou, stamping out the rest of their military and forcing them to keep to the south as they settled out the Maghreb. By this point, Wassoulou had started pumping out Settlers of their own, but it was too late. The Aures had taken the most valuable land, cut off Wassoulou’s westward expansion, and forced them to keep from settling north while they took what remained of their expansion opportunities. Wassoulou’s only real mistake was not settling sooner, but even then they were decently on-pace with other civs in theory - they’d just been placed next to a civ that wanted them dead at all costs.

The Aures didn’t have the military to actually threaten any city captures on Wassoulou, so they made peace and allowed Wassoulou to expand somewhat. Wassoulou got back on track and began playing about as well as they could, pumping out Settlers and fortifying their position, but Wassoulou simply couldn’t compete with Aures’s output. They expanded their new eastern colony of Turunku, but without connection to their capital, it wasn’t worth much. They began expanding north, even nabbing part of the Maghreb that the Aures had neglected, but the Aures popped down a Sahara city perfectly positioned to deny as many potential Wassoulou city spots as possible, only to follow it up by cutting off Wassoulou’s Maghreb holdings anyways. It was a horrifically efficient dissection of a competent, ambitious civ’s opportunities - Wassoulou packed multiple Settlers they simply could not use, and even as they tried to rebuild, the Aures grew faster in tech, production, and city count. Their only respite came in the fact that the Aures were burning valuable resources and focus on an irrelevant war against Zazzau, but that could only last so long.

Now, I think it’s worth a quick detour to discuss Wassoulou’s real-world history, because it’s not something a lot of people will know. To summarize, on the eve of the Scramble for Africa, trader-turned-warlord Samori Ture leveraged his connections to conquer a sizable portion of West Africa. This was a fairly common occurrence in the region, but what’s remarkable is what happened when the French came knocking. Despite being completely outgunned, Samori Ture managed to fend off the French, adapting to their tactics and outmaneuvering them in battle, forcing them to accept a treaty. He then did everything in his power to modernize his state and continue resisting the colonizers, including sending young soldiers as servants to the French to spy on their officers, modernizing his military, and even stealing the secrets of gunsmithing and setting up entire villages to serve as makeshift assembly-line factories. When he finally got too confident, launching a disastrous siege and alienating his merchant power-base by trying to adopt Islam as a more stable unifier, he still made life hell for the French, using scorched-earth tactics and even conquering an entire second empire after his first empire fell. In short, Samori Ture was a stubborn bastard who made the most out of a hopeless situation, and that’s what he did in the CBR, too.

Eventually, the Aures finally got sick of invading Zazzau through a two-tile gap and declared war on Wassoulou, instead. The poorly-defended exclaves of Turunku and Kabadougou fell immediately, of course, and the Aures even dragged a whole third of the roster into a coalition to back them up (most notably including Portugal). Wassoulou was, however, able to snag Ad Medias and finally reconnect their Maghreb city with their core. This was, of course, a disaster - Wassoulou went from a mid-tier with some hope of stabbing the Aures in the back to effectively a civ waiting to die in the eyes of the PRs, especially after Portugal leapt in to harass Wassoulou by sea. Within two episodes, they fell from 33rd to 57th in the Power Rankings. They looked ready to die.

But then, as the Aures marched on the gates of Bissandugu, something incredible happened: Wassoulou locked in. Not enough to actually turn anything around, of course, but they completely halted the Aures approach. This was likely more down to geography than anything, with a line of reasonably-strong cities able to cover for each other and split the Aures’ attention, but the Aures were eventually convinced to make peace with Wassoulou without any further city gifts. It was a small win, albeit one that unfortunately didn’t mean much in the face of the Portuguese armada still bombarding the north. Here, too, though, Wassouloiu continued to prove their stubbornness. Odienne and Ad Medias continued flipping back and forth far past the point of reason as Wassoulou just kept finding the strength to contest the cities one more time. Sadly, this resistance was ultimately futile as both cities were given up to the Portuguese for peace, and Wassoulou was reduced even further.

The very next episode, the relentless Aures once again declared war on Wassoulou. Given they were still exhausted from the Portuguese war, one would naturally assume that Wassoulou was about to die. Instead, they once again showed their grit, actually retaking the lost city of Madina from the Aures for a brief, glorious moment before falling back and once again holding the line along the coast. By this point, the Aures were clearly superior on a tech and manpower level, they’d even surrounded Bissandugu, but they just couldn’t seem to put a dent into even one of Wassoulou’s remaining cities. The Portuguese rejoined the war, too, but Wassoulou just kept on trucking. Until they didn’t.

At around turn 200, owing to issues with game loading, the mod which controlled the city distance limit was disabled. This, apparently, also re-enabled razing as a by-product. Around this same time, Wassoulou pulled their final, greatest trick. They surrendered a city to the Aures for peace. Kankan, a 16-population city that had taken no damage, was given away, blocking off the Portuguese fleet… and then the city was promptly burned to the ground. Now, normally, this would be an absolute tragedy on all fronts (see Xaragua giving a city to the Yanomami). But, aside from the obvious benefits of ending one existentially threatening war and blocking another (well, until the city finished burning), it turned out Wassoulou had an ace in the hole: those very same Settlers that they’d been shut out of using by the Aures all those episodes ago. With the lower city distance limit, Wassoulou had just enough room to squeeze two cities into the space where one city once sat, thereby somehow managing to gain a city out of a peace deal where they gave a city away. They’d even made peace with Portugal in the meantime. What a flex.

After this, it seemed like Wassoulou might be fine for a few more episodes. After all, they’d just gotten out of war with their only two neighbors. Well, unless you counted the tiny sea border with Zazzau, but Zazzau sucked, and there was no way the war was going to go anywhere. At least, that’s what everybody told themselves when Zazzau, fresh off a disappointing war with Ethiopia, launched their own invasion of the beleaguered Wassoulou. Heck, that’s what SHOULD have happened. But over the course of the 15 episodes or so since their first war, Zazzau had been dragging themselves out of the dirt, slowly crawling up the stats rankings, waiting for exactly this moment. They secured open borders with the Aures. They spammed their Unique Unit, a Knight with a lower penalty against cities. And they went All. In. What first looked like a nothing war between rumps turned into a flip of Kerouane, and then a genuine existential threat to Wassoulou. Zazzau stormed through Wassoulou’s defenses by both land and sea, completely bypassing whatever had stopped the Aures. Wassoulou never stood a chance. Zazzau’s revenge, against all odds, was complete.

Zazzau ultimately left Wassoulou with a single worthless city to avoid the elimination penalty, but Wassoulou was at least granted a somewhat honorable demise by Portugal, who declared war right after the finish the job. As they fell, Wassoulou did manage one last defiant gesture, flipping their last city several times (heck, they might manage it once more next episode), but their final fate has been sealed. After so many wars in a row, they’d finally been snuffed out.

So… was Wassoulou a bad civ? It’s kind of hard to say, really. They certainly weren’t a civ without ambition, or an incompetent civ - they died with three Settlers in their final city, if they had room to expand they would’ve. Their biggest mistake was not settling earlier, but they had a plan and they executed it well (not to mention they started settling in earnest pretty early on anyways). Perhaps with perfect play Wassoulou could have beaten the Aures, but in the end it feels like they were a competent civ that made one risky move and got punished for the rest of the game for it. So it goes sometimes. At the very least they were stubborn enough to put up a decent fight before going out, even if it was far too early for a civ of their caliber. RIP Wassoulou, may your struggles see you rewarded in some other game. F.

3: Pomo

Reformer:

Well, this is probably it. Tlingit and Teotihuacan have come collecting once more, and the team agrees that this is potentially it for Pomo. 3 cities remain, all vulnerable to at least Tlingit, and history shows that Tlingit is more than willing to drag a war on until Pomo is gasping for air. Tlingit’s tech advantage is overwhelming, and Teotihuacan is a pest. It comes down to which of them gets the elimination. It is a shame to see how far Pomo has fallen, from such lofty beginnings…but I’ll leave such lamentations for the eulogy to come.

4: Ternate

Cloudy:

The floor has fallen out for Ternate and the end is nigh. With Cebu pushing as far as Sidangoli, no Ternate city is safe, and Humabon shows no signs of slowing down, putting elimination firmly on the cards. At least it’s an honor to be taken out by the protagonist, and Babullah’s spirit will be absorbed into the unstoppable Cebu war machine. Or something.

5: Ma’in

Reformer:

Mountain stronghold checklist:

All good!

6: Pegu

ItsTruckMonth:Pegu’s life is one of suffering. On the one hand, they are the stoppable force: a simple city-state locked in the Burmese highlands, left with a handful of primitive units to keep what remains of the once-average empire. On the other hand, this terrain, alongside their also-pitiful neighbors, makes them an immovable object, well, for now at least.

Both Bangladesh and Yunnan have citadeled Dagon to where the border now lies simply on its city limits, and units from both ends are essentially breathing down the neck of Sawbu. They lie simply one relevant war declaration away from being lost to history.

But then again, maybe Sawbu has accepted this fate. Taking in from one of the great Buddha’s teachings: serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.

7: Karankawa

Shaggy:

Ring the bells! Sound the horns! Drop the balloons! Everybody, celebrate! This is Karankawa’s single biggest rank jump this season, rising a whopping 3 whole places to tie their highest placement since episode 2 at a comfortable 54th. Ignore the whole “getting rumped down to just their capital and a single escape plan city” thing, those cities were just bogging Karankawa down in the bottom of the bottom tier. They still have a gigaship to be proud of and have somehow finagled themselves out of the level of imminent destruction that the civs below them are facing.

8: Ponca

Reformer:

Ponker is here to watch Pomo die. Can you blame ‘em? It seriously looked like Ponca was gonna get reduced to a city-state in the Rockies well before any real calamity befell Pomo. And now here we are. Ponca outliving Pomo, indubitably. What a fucked up world we live in.

9: Maravi

Leman:

Maravi continues to exist as a thin, failed sliver on the coast of South East Africa. We’re on that stage where the most interesting thing that’s gonna happen to Maravi is who kills them. Personally I’m hoping for a Pakistani colonization. No I will not explain how they get past Seychelles, that’s for you to figure out.

10: Phoenicia

Orange:

Poor poor Phoenicia, it will be a pensive period when they finally perish. The purple pariahs are possibly the posterchild for past possibilities.

Phoenicia is yet again at war with a lot of people at once, without enough of an army, and without having had the chance to go take out Sumer. It’s sad, our purple bois did better than we thought, but they are still stuck in a death circle now. At least they will lose like, one city max to Hyksos.

11: Yunnan

JDT:

They’re worse in this game than I am in Deadlock. And they’re more hardstuck than the average player in Ritualist rank.

12: Xaragua

Leman:

This episodes ended with Xaragua handing a city over to Yanomami, who are absolute dorks. That’s always disappointing to see, but at least this one makes sense. Yanomami could probably eventually take a city from them anyways, and Xaragua sucks. Honestly, it parallels how they gave a city away to Teotihuacan like 10 episodes ago. In another 10 they might hand Guava over to Susquehannock.

13: Sumer

Orange:

Sumer is doing fine against Seychelles, sure it’s a bit because they are distracted, but also cause Seychelles apparently just sucks at moving across southern Arabia. In the latest shot of the front, Seychelles has two whole units in Sumer territory, while Sumer has quite an army sent to retake Eridu which won’t retake it but like it is representative of their current state. Really what Sumer needs to do is peace out and go turn their army against Phoenicia while they are fighting everyone else around them, or else Sumer will just become further and further squashed.

14: Papal States

Meg (LynnWinn): The Papal States have thrown the game further than the Holy Hand Grenade, they probably will just be a vestigial limb of a civ for a few more episodes, then die a hopefully exciting death. A dead girl walking.

15: Green Ukraine

Semi:

Meat Potential Civ still exists, and they went up a rank over the under-serious-attack Phoenicia. This is an indictment of Rouran, Itelmen, and Tang, all of whom could digest GU in one war. Japan gets a pass.

Also I guess we’re getting to that point in the game - Khabarovsk, despite being an inland near-Tundra city with no real floodplains, has 29 population. That, combined with a certain Sgaanang religion in the northern cities, is boosting GU’s stats well above where they otherwise would be for a five-city rump.

16: Wallachia

NopeCopter:

Wallachia, despite their neighbors’ most bare-bones efforts, is still alive and kicking. Geography has saved them from Circassia and Hansa (well, maybe it’s more a lack of effort than anything), the Papal States suck, and Scythia still hasn’t rebuilt their military. Too bad none of this matters even a little bit, because Wallachia is too broke and behind on techs to do anything of substance. At least they’re only losing about 10 Gold per turn instead of hundreds! They gain a rank this episode primarily off the backs of other civs’ failures, but that’s only because they’re doing the bare minimum of not giving away random cities to strangers. For now.

17: Xavante

Shaggy:

Xavante is kind of turning into the South American Hyksos in my eyes. They are maintaining a mixed carpet of updated and obsolete units, not really threatened existentially by any of their neighbors but still relegated to stagnation, and have an apparent unwillingness to take advantage of opportunities their neighbors seem so willing to give them. Guaycuru is depleted from their unsuccessful attempts at incorporating shrimp into their diet and nibbling away at Potiguara. So depleted that Xavante could very swiftly surround either Catu or Misión el Toba and try to break out of their cursed location. I fully expect them to continue to act like a South American Hyksos and disappoint me, but they still get a nifty 4 rank jump this week as the stagnation around them lifts their prospects.

18: Vyatka

Semi:

Another cold episode in the tundra for Ioann Anikiev Myshkin. Ten cities and just 13 food surplus means that Vyatka’s science is below the Xaragua that just gave away a near-30-pop city, a Phoenicia whose entire empire is seemingly being besieged, and a Papal States who…Yeah. Oh, and another cause for that low science might be that they’re hopelessly bankrupt - at 55 GPT underwater due to that insane carpet, they’re only above Pomo and the “Wallachia 2.0 but they’re rumped so we don’t notice it” Maravi.

But hey - they do still have a carpet, and (at least in my mind, other rankers don’t really agree) a weak Scythia offers opportunity. With Estonian and Circassian help, who knows? Perhaps a little capital recapture is back on the table.

19: Potiguara

Orange:

Potiguara is winning? Somehow? Barely? I mean, I’m kinda hoping they just drop and Guaycuru rebounds to conquer them. I don’t think they are actually gonna take a city anyways. It’s as shrimple as that.

20: Bactria

Reformer:

Bactria, upset at being unable to break Phoenicia to enter Middle East, founds a city by the name of Caucasus to feel better.

That’s it, that’s the scoop. Now onto Hansa.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of Hanseatic League

21: Hanseatic League

Shaggy:

Hansa has mastered the art of not defending themselves with units and instead relying on the incompetence of an invading force to defeat itself without needing much Hanseatic intervention. That strategy is paying off with Wallachia, who has some criminally underpaid troops pillaging Hansa’s borderlands in a bid to stave off deserters I guess. Hansa drops one rank this week in the shuffle of the lower mid-tier civs and only time will tell if they will stagnate faster or slower than their neighbors.

22: Bjarmians

Shaggy:

Nothing ever Bjappens. No net gain for either side in this iteration of the Bjarmian-Estonian war (or is it the Estonian-Bjarmian war). Rest assured, we will be very excited when something does Bjappen.

23: Hyksos

Semi:

Hyksos fully grappling with the consequences of waking from their slumber ends up +2 ranks. And overall, it was a pretty good episode. I had always been in the camp that these Cultists of Set were comparable to the decaying husk known as Ethiopia, so I wasn’t too surprised that the war didn’t go anywhere for either side. Nonetheless, though, the net ending of that war confirms that Stalemate Africa is still very present this season.

No, I think it’s the other war that bodes quite well for Hyksos. The DOW on Phoenicia is, in my opinion, exactly what they needed to do until either Aures or Ethiopia really gets hit with a coalition war. Circassia jumping in too brings only further benefit. And it’s a clear tech advantage for Apophis - crossbowmen, galeasses, and carracks versus composite bowmen, pikemen, and caravels.

(*whisper whisper whisper*)

Aw c’mon man, why does the Sinai peninsula have to be so narrow that this war is effectively stalemated until Circassia gets enough south.

(*whisper whisper whisper*)

Wait, Apophis declared war on WHO??? WHY WOULD YOU DECLARE WAR ON YOUR COALITION PARTNER??

24: Kipchaks

ItsTruckMonth:At first glance, Kipchaks seem to be out of the running. Sitting just below average in stats outside of a respectable military, multiple powers that border them, and overall a claustrophobic situation that has locked them into Central Asia.

Enter stage left: Bactria.

Bactria has less production, fewer techs, and half the military manpower. It will be tough. It will be bloody. It will require grit. But if Togortak can pull it off, he may just be able to claw his way back into this fight.

25: Estonia

Cloudy:

Come on Estonia... you can hold Vinuskogr... I swear it’s not that hard....

Estonia spent this entire episode at war with the Bjarmians with shockingly little to show for it, despite capturing a city and flipping it back and forth until it was an ashen husk of its former self. But it’s still not clear whether they’ll still hold it at the end of the war, and the Bjarmians keep pushing them back. It’s not really a good look.

26: Ethiopia

Shaggy:

And just like that, the war I’d been hoping for for almost a dozen episodes is over with no material results other than confirming that Ethiopia is indeed washed. Since assisting in the rumping of Maravi, Ethiopia has turned every war into a stalemate that ends up with their opponent realizing that they can actually try fighting wars and then the opponent starts making gains in another direction. It happened with Zazzau and now it is happening with Hyksos. Ethiopia is like a crappy service job where everyone leaves after a couple months because they realize they can spend their time better doing something else. Oh, and they’re going to have to once again try keeping Seychelles away from the interior of Africa. Maybe they’ll negotiate a peace deal in a few turns and Seychelles will go grab a city or two off of Pakistan.

27: Umhaill

ItsTruckMonth:

Bring me a bottle or Two, me lad

Bring me a bottle, or four

For the company fine, o' women and wine

Is what I’m looking for

Bring me my big ole knife me lad,

Bring me my rusty ole gun

For the wine and the women ain't coming for free

and there’s plenty o work to be done

There’s plenty of folks here about here me lad

Who’s bellies and purses are fat

They drive company cars, smoke expensive cigars,

and have men to take care of their hat

They don’t give a care for us poor hatless fools

Though out in the gutter we sit

But the thing bout full bellies and purses me lad,

is both are well easy to slit

Bring me a bottle or two me lad,

Bring me a bottle or four,

Shake the dust off my cloak, bring me my best smokes,

and leave all your regrets at the door

So make sure your ole knife is sharp me lad

And make sure that your powder is dry

For the world is awash with fools, blood, and gold,

And all men are just waiting to die.

Oh, the nice sea shanty I provided to you was not that relevant? Well, it's more relevant than anything Umhaill’s done recently lmao.

28: France

Semi:

There were six mentions of the word “France” in the episode this week. All of them were the narrator using the name of the Seychellois leader, France-Albert Rene.

In other news, Portugal has passed France on both the stats sheet and PRs. The era of the revolutionary banner being feared across Western Europe, and existing as a counter to Scythia’s dominance of the east, is over. RIP Robespierre’s chances 2026-2026.

29: Guaycuru

Orange:

Guaycuru’s war against Potiguara looks to be turning against them (not much, Potiguara’s just attacking with comp bows and knights really), which is surprising, because Potiguara is categorically weaker, in like, every way. So how is Eso fucking this up so badly? Where the fuck is their army? Who knows. Maybe wherever the majority of his army is is stuck in his exclaves, unable to escape to help out. But the units that aren’t are also not really helping out, so 50/50.

30: Luba

Cloudy:

Another week at 31st place for Luba, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see further increases in the future. With some infilling, new military techs, and a decent unit carpet, they actually look stronger than either Herero or Ethiopia right now, and with the right timing and right coalition partners there’s a possibility they might break out. But I wouldn’t hold my breath as yet.

31: Zazzau

NopeCopter:

Zazzau, against all odds, has done it! They’ve finally enacted their revenge and crushed Wassoulou! They didn’t end up dealing the final blow, but make no mistake: it was by their hand that Wassoulou was eliminated, and they took home the lion’s share of the spoils. Zazzau has been slowly crawling their way back up the rankings since their defeat in Episode 2 which tanked their stats, and now they’ve finally almost reached the top half. They’ve proven their determination to keep going, if nothing else, through their efforts - some of their wars, like the ones against Ethiopia, haven’t gone so well, but they have been trying.

Now, though, the big question remains: does this win even matter in the grand scheme of things? Sure they just got three new cities, but they’re disconnected from their core, and the Aures are still looming overhead. Not being able to defeat Ethiopia even with perfect timing is a really damning situation, and Luba isn’t exactly looking breakable right now. Even after all this, is Zazzau just Aures food waiting to happen? The answer is… probably, unfortunately. Despite all the declarations that the Aures are frauds, they do still have eight more techs, double the cities, 1.5x the production, and Frigates in a Mediterranean full of mid-tiers or worse. But, to be fair, Zazzau probably isn’t dying too soon - after all, they have Open Borders with the Aures. The Sword of Damocles hangs high above Amina’s head, but she can celebrate this win for a bit longer. Perhaps declaring war on Ethiopia right now could even net her another taste of sweet revenge.

32: Kalmar Union

JDT:

A nothingburger episode with other civs getting better sees the Kalmar Union go down by two. Nothing has changed at all, just being very mediocre in a region of very mediocre civs. My one question is: how the fuck are they getting outteched by Estonia?

33: Onondaga

ItsTruckMonth:

North America’s in shambles. Pomo is getting torn limb from limb by Teo and Tlingit. Ponca have been brutalized by the Anishinaabe. The Susquehannock have left the Karankawa civilization worlds apart from itself. And then there’s Mr. Low Cortisol themselves: the Onondaga.

Onondaga is a roughly average civ: a respectable army size, solid production, and poor science output. An average civ could have a chance anywhere else, say through joining a coalition and getting some of the pickings. Unfortunately, the Onondaga are not anywhere else, as they are stuck between the Anishinaabe, a top 5 civ, and the Susquehannock, a top 15 civ. That said, Onondaga’s respectable stats of their own could pose a challenge to either’s imperial ambitions.

If you can’t expand anywhere, you might as well make yourself too annoying to kill, I guess.

34: Portugal

Cloudy:

Portugal scores a big rise this week, perhaps more than one could justify when all they did was eliminate a civ who had a single three tile desert city, but I would actually argue that this was a long time coming. Once barely better than a rump with a stats rank in the 50s, their stats have steadily improved, reaching 32nd this week—and the increase isn't baseless. Their navy has become a source of trouble across the north Atlantic, from episode 18’s temporary city capture against Yanomami to this week’s swift dispatching of Wassoulou. João has a big naval tech bias and now that their population and production are no longer quite basement-tier, that bias is translating into an actual edge over many of their neighbors. It’s not out of the question that Portugal could even regain territory they lost to France in a future coalition. Will it happen? That remains to be seen—but it could.

35: Herero

Cloudy:

Follow-on from my Luba write-up: I think we may have reached peak Herero. Maybe my colleagues have said this before but I’m adding my voice to the chorus. I think it’s all downhill from here, and in a few episodes we’ll see the Seychelles and Luba ripping through their army of outdated knights to conquer the Kalahari. Jacob Morenga isn’t weak yet, and there’s still an outside chance he breaks out, but the writing is starting to appear on the wall.

36: Caral

ItsTruckMonth:

CARAL-CHONO WARS HAVE ENDED. PEACE (AND IN MY CASE SOBRIETY) IN OUR TIME BAYBEE.

In all seriousness, though, Qhapaq has made it out of the war, but pretty bruised. While they only lost three cities, all were core mainland cities, leaving them with only 4 on mainland South America, the least of any civ on the continent. That said, the peace deal sees them jump up a good 7 spots in the PR’s, likely due to them still retaining solid stats, especially in tech.

That said, long-term prospects are fading as Chono and Yanomami begin pulling away. Perhaps Caral’s best chances lie out in Polynesia?

37: Bunuba

Orange:

NSW is on the attack again, and they have burned one city. Will any more happen? Ehhhhhhhhh, probably not. Bunuba is facing that war weariness of being a constant target, but they are still decently strong. Keeping up in tech well and the Great Wall still gives them a lot of protection, good since they don’t have much of an army. But really, they need a bigger break, they need time to consolidate and grow, and be the aggressor themself against Ternate or Lanfang instead of fighting NSW again and again.

38: Circassia

Semi:

I’ve asked this question twice over the past two weeks in the PR server: how are these guys still in the 20s? Let me lay out the case for Circassia, as I’ve got them up in 17th (and in all honesty, I should have them higher).

1: Defensibility.

Circassia is an extraordinarily fortified civ, with their core in the Caucasus mountains. They control the only fleet on the Black Sea, and the Caspian Sea is accessed only by Bactria and the Kipchaks. From the north, they’ve just fended off an attack from Scythia, and threatened to even take one of their cities before agreeing to a white peace. In the south and west, wars with Wallachia and Phoenicia haven’t been defeats, either, and there’s no big power to threaten them from that area (i.e., there’s no Turkey or Pontus this time around).

2: Options/future plans

The neighbors of Circassia aren’t exactly powerhouses, as outlined above. That gives them plenty of outs later into the game. As mentioned, though Scythia’s out of the negative happiness, they still look considerably worse than Circassia, and are far more vulnerable to a coalition war. As I talked about on the Vyatka slide, I can’t imagine relations there are great, and Estonia (I feel) would jump at an opportunity to take on an actually geographically feasible opponent. Moving east, while it’s hard to take on the Central Asians in the short term, when it becomes actually possible to perform amphibious invasions, both the Kipchaks and Bactria could be food. And Phoenicia, to the south, is seemingly falling already. Obviously, detractors point to the failed war against Wallachia, to which I say - did you see how many troops Vlad had? And not only is Phoenicia there, but the massive metropolis of Lagash is wide open for a northern conquest.

3: Statistics

What’s the third ingredient to a great civ? The stats sheet. And here, they’ve got every neighbor beaten handily - even a Scythia that’s just emerged from the depths of unhappiness. They have 352 science to Scythia’s 319, near-equal 348-341 production, and an eminently respectable 41 techs (even Pakistan has only 43). And that’s against the best neighbor - Wallachia has just 250 EfSci, Phoenicia 210, and Phoenicia 190.

4: xDAWG

These guys were ranked 60th after Episode 2. Second to last. Talk about a Cebu redemption arc all you want, but the Filipino civ’s lowest-ever rank was 57th.

All in all, it’s hard not to see these guys as the eventual winners of the Middle East, as confusing as it’s been this season. But hey, maybe that’s just my rose-colored glasses.

39: Bangladesh

ItsTruckMonth:

Honestly, don’t know what to say about good ol’ Bangladesh.

On one hand, they have solid stats: above-average production, techs and science output, and a decent military.

On the other hand, they find themselves in a rough neighborhood, being surrounded by Mysore and Lanfang, with their only feasible expansion route being through the last Pegu city. Not only that, but Mysore was giving Bangladesh belt to ass before Lanfang got involved.

Simply another poor soul stuck between a rock and a hard place.

40: Mysore

Leman:

Awkward episode for Mysore this episode as Pakistan peacefully nibbles away at their edges through religious conversion and citadels, completely cutting off their northern panhandle from their Deccan heartland. Their stats still look good thanks in part to their boom and bust UA, but honestly, we’re all starting to wonder if there’s much of a future for Mysore here. I’m not really sure what they’re gonna be able to accomplish.

41: Yanomami

NopeCopter:

In a world where the Great South American Stalemate is finally crumbling and the Chono are beginning to realize their potential, the Yanomami find themselves in a very precarious position. The least precarious position of all non-Chono South Americans, mind you, but still precarious. They’re currently, in theory, in the perfect spot to take advantage of the chaos and grow into the definitive secondary power on the continent - Caral is bloodied, and the Potiguara are spending all their manpower failing to defeat the Guaycuru. Instead, they just almost lost a war to Xaragua and then burned their undeserved prize. Xaragua, even if they do have Frigates, is a four-city civ who only failed because they didn’t have enough melee units. That’s an embarrassment if I’ve ever seen one. What’s worse, Teotihuacan to the north has an actual navy now and is even (very slowly) expanding, making the odds of a second upset look a little low. The Yanomami still have some admirable traits - a solid navy, borders with a lot of weaker powers, the Panama Canal, even a hypothetical route to Europe - but they really need to learn how to actually win a war before they become nothing more than a second Ecuador.

42: Qara-Khitai

Leman:

Really quiet episode for Qara-Khitai here. Didn’t do a whole lot, but at least they maintained their rank. Soon enough that’s not gonna quite be good enough especially given that Tang and Ket keep looking stronger and stronger. At least turn on Kipchaks dude.

43: Japan

Reformer:

Japan just vibes this episode, maintaining their top20 stats. It’s a respectable life. Sure wish you researched Navigation sooner rather than later, but I suppose, if nobody declares war on you, grabbing other techs is fine. Just keep feeling that Tlingit religion flow in…but wait, what’s this? In Japan’s southern territories, another religion is sneaking in, that of Bangladesh’s. This one’s a lot weaker, so that’s rather unfortunate. If only the AI realized it wants Tlingit’s religion, it could start getting missionaries to keep Bangladesh’s religion at bay. Alas. Japan will have to make due with only most of their cities having Tlingit’s religion.

44: Scythia

Leman:

Scythia’s kind of pathetic war with Circassia comes to an end finally, and they managed to gain nothing. Their lands are empty and their neighbors probably hate them. Honestly, the only thing going for them is that their neighbors (literally all six of them) are absolute ass.

45: Cebu

Reformer:

FUCK YES CEBU! YOU DA GOAT! THAT’S MY GOAT! Goddamn I love this civ. Cebu is absolutely butchering Ternate, a civ that has in the past resisted both Lanfang and Bunuba. And Cebu is doing it without Navigation, too, because who tf needs frigates to succeed navally, am I right or am I right. Ultimately the conquest of Ternate puts Cebu in a great position to contest Polynesia, and beat up Bunuba whenever they’re particularly weak. But the problem is that it extends their border with Lanfang, and brings them ever closer to NSW. Of course, these were going to happen anyway. Either Cebu gets closer to Lanfang and NSW, or they get closer to Cebu. This is no doubt preferable. Just, please, get frigates sooner rather than later. You’re not in THAT big of a rush, since Lanfang doesn’t have them either, for some reason. But that won’t last for long. So please. Once you’re done with Ternate– and hopefully you leave them with one shitty city– get those goddamn frigates online. You’ll thank me later.

46: Scotland

Leman:

A big city count gets you pretty far, Scotland’s is still pretty high, for a European. They’ll still need to use those cities to build some boats and bowl over Umhaill. But until then, they can probably coast for a while.

47: Susquehannock

Semi:

A quiet episode for Susquehannock, as the war with Ponca is reduced to a one-tile wide corridor and some rebuilding is necessary after the vigorous action of the last two episodes. They’re also in the Pomo coalition as moral support, but this is probably more of a diplomatic win than anything - they don’t have open borders with Karankawa or Teo, and would be too far away to do anything anyway.

The next target is, I think, one of two civs: Onondaga or Xaragua. Xaragua is very digestible right now, given their exhausting war against Yanomami that’s left the civ entirely empty of naval assets. Onondaga, meanwhile, would be a tougher nut to crack, but would bring greater rewards and a better situation in case of a future war with Anishinaabe. Either way, Old Sheehays is here for the long haul.

48: Itelmen

Semi:

Itelmen continue reaping the profits of a religion they didn’t even found, as they finally stabilize at 13th place after their rocket up the PRs. And in all honesty, I can’t see them moving anytime soon. Their biggest headline this episode was making peace in an irrelevant war with Rouran - irrelevant because GREEN UKRAINE STILL EXISTS WHY DOES GU STILL EXIST. Anyway, Itelmen’s still in a fine position, though somewhat like Thule from last season. Rouran and Japan are still respectable top-20 civs, and Tlingit is once again the King of the Cylinder. Hopefully for Itelmen fans (and all crow haters) they can break out, though with each Asian neighbor getting their own little bit of Sgaanang, that’s getting harder.

49: Lanfang

JDT:

Lanfang has a quiet episode where they did nothing and were practically highlighted in nothing. Their circumstances, on paper, remain the same. Same stats, same enemies, same positioning. Ok, their stats got slightly better, which is always a good thing. However, there has been one very major change - their free space in terms of expansionism is all but gone. Cebu is mauling Ternate, leaving them in the elimination chamber and securing at least 2 cities, with the likelihood of them securing at least 2 or 3 more high. And if they manage to secure Sidangoli, Lanfang can kiss most ambitions of going east goodbye. In this circumstance, Lanfang would be left in a difficult situation. Yunnan is terrible, but they have very good defensive terrain and strong city defense. Cebu and Bunuba are doable, but any assault must be done in opportune moments and they are anything but free conquests. Bangladesh and Mysore are pipe dreams thanks to their stats and geography. And once you peel behind all of these fairly decent powers, you start getting down to the monsters. Tang, NSW, Pakistan. Ok, Japan exists as well but the route there has been cordoned off by Cebu. Point being, Lanfang’s window of opportunity to become a monster is shrinking by the day. It will take shrewd planning for them to get out of this predicament. But I believe they can do it. They have the stats, and I think they have the strategic acumen to pull a rabbit out of this hat.

50: Teotihuacan

Cloudy:

Teotihuacan has so far defied the expectations of our more pessimistic rankers by capturing Ta’tem from Pomo and also threatening E’lem, which will probably fall next episode. Nevertheless, they haven’t managed to return to the top 10 (mostly because a certain ranker put them 18th out of spite... not naming any names lol). Considering this is the first time Teotihuacan has ever captured an enemy city, as opposed to being gifted the city or flipping back their own city from Caral, maybe there ought to be more fanfare. But for now, 11 it is!

51: Aures

NopeCopter:

The Aures had a pretty embarrassing episode, not because of anything they did, but because of what they haven’t done. Zazzau of all civs just ended up breaking Wassoulou, who by all accounts should have been a free meal. The Hyksos are somehow looking like they might take cities off of Phoenicia. The school of thought that “the Aures are top-tiers because they can win Africa/the Mediterranean basically by default” is suddenly looking a lot less attractive. And worst of all for this idea, the Seychelles are suddenly on a warmongering spree, invading not only Sumer but also Phoenicia and even Ethiopia.

However, the Aures also hold onto their 10th place spot, because, well… none of this actually seems to be as damning as it sounds. Zazzau conquered Wassoulou, sure, but they don’t exactly look like a threat even with the extra cities, especially since they’re cut off. The Aures still hold naval technological supremacy over the likes of the Hyksos and Portugal. And the Seychelles are so far utterly failing to beat any of the civs they’ve declared war on. The Aures really should be feeling the pressure to make their next move now, but it’s far from being too late for them. They’ve just gone from “they could do basically nothing and still win” to “they could do basically anything and they’ll win”. Of course, in the late game this failure to grow quickly might bite them in the ass, but in the short-term, at least, they still look pretty well-positioned.

52: Seychelles

Meg (LynnWinn):

The Seychelles has been a solid civilization for a while, but with their most recent wars they have their limits, which are shorter than their ambitions. They can have extremely strong games, but at this point they need to solidify their army & make incursions into other neighbors… without risking losing their own cities at the same time. The next few episodes likely will decide how strong they get.

53: Pakistan

NopeCopter:

Pakistan is weird, man. They’ve got some truly insane stats on par with the best of the best, except for their city count, which is about half of the other top tiers’. They could body just about any of their neighbors, except they keep choosing to invade Sumer, who they’ve made SOME gains against, but nothing really decisive. They have neighbors who look really scary, except they’re all seemingly kind of awful at the game. So… is Pakistan a paper tiger who just looks impressive? Or are they a potential game-winner who could wake up and take their spot on top of the leaderboards any second now? The current PR consensus is somewhere toward the latter, but it’s hard to say.

54: Rouran

Orange:

Rouran keeps growing slowly and steadily, but we’re all just waiting. Waiting for them to attack Tang. They gotta attack Tang one of these days. The Tang border is empty, the Rouran one isn’t. Knights aren’t the best for taking cities, but it is an army. Please Rouran, go attack Tang.

55: Ket

Semi:

I don’t like Ket. Let’s start with that. They’ve just kind of sat there as this season’s Big Siberian Blob. And yet…man, they’re just a really good civ. Their position on the board? Fair, with access to Kipchaks, Vyatka, and possibly Rouran. But they don’t need to worry about defending their cities, because all of them are ridiculously high strength due to the busted Defender of the Faith belief - Sulomay and Serkovo are at 84 and 85 strength. The neighboring Kipchak cities have 30 strength, and even the strongest-on-the-cylinder Tlingit have 40. Heck, even Yunnan, the civ with the absolutely insane UA that grants the capital 25% of the defensive strength of buildings built in other cities, has a weaker capital than Ket!

And here’s the other thing with Ket. Of course they have a third-place 550 production. Of course they have the biggest raw army score on the cylinder. But in a split from previous Siberian giants, they have exceptional science, too. Their 524 EfSci puts them eighth, ahead of more expected, traditional scientific powerhouses like Lanfang, the Seychelles, and Teotihuacan.

But man, I wish they would just do something. Anything.

CBR In-Game Screenshot of New South Wales

56: New South Wales

NopeCopter:

New South Wales is finally, finally actually starting to make progress against the ever-stubborn Bunuba. However, that progress is being made in the shittiest way possible. As soon as they captured a city, they burned it down. Their Happiness rests on a knife’s edge, which is very bad for a civ that needs to make some gains fast to convince the world they aren’t frauds. The main thing keeping them afloat is their ridiculous stat line that stands out even compared to all their high-tier neighbors, but when half the PR team is still sold on the idea that Australia is an inescapable prison, they’ll need a lot more than that to move above 5th.

57: Anishinaabe

Meg (LynnWinn):

Despite them doing basically everything they need to do to shoot up to superpower status, they are mostly strong due to the weakness of most of their neighboors, & good fundamentals. If they want to succeed more than just swallowing a few Pomo cities as they die their little death, they need to have a stronger core built up & probably go after their neighbors who have not been as lucky or ambitious as them.

58: Chono

Orange:

Well, it’s a bit disappointing that Chono bowed out so quickly, they gained three cities and lost one, so it’s not like, a super big win. For how much power they had, for how long we’ve waited, to barely go above even, to back out after 20 turns, it’s a poor showing. Yet, they have still proven some of their mettle, and so they stay here in the top 3, with superb stats for having done fuck all at the bottom of the world. Coasting to the top for real here.

59: Tang

Reformer:

It’s an uneventful episode for Tang, to the naked eye anyway. Let’s look under the hood for a check-up.

Tang remains unhappy, hampering their growth. Understandable at this size, and easy fixes are still some ways away. In the meantime, though, they’ve done wonders with their tech, nearly catching up to Tlingit– only one tech between them now. Their production remains solidly in second place, though failing to grow, presumably on account of struggling to get new pops, on account of the unhappiness. Blasted thing. Finally, military wise, they are still militarizing, though slower than other top15 civs. Perhaps their greatest weakness, especially considering the northern frontier. Rouran has grown mighty strong recently, and Q-K could probably deal damage with their UU as well. Finally, let’s return to techs. Tang is breaking new ground here by researching MANUFACTURING, a critical Enlightenment era powertech that will allow Tang to take their production to another level, before leading straight to Industrialization. That’s right, the race to ideology is on. And Tang is well-positioned to be the first civ with an ideology.

All that to say, that’s still a 2nd place civ you’re looking at, but things could change dramatically very soon.

60: Tlingit

Shaggy:

It’s getting really hot in my neck of the woods this time of year and Tlingit knows exactly what hits the spot: fresh-pressed orange juice. They are squeezing the living daylights out of Pomo and their state-of-the-art units are breezing through the orange defenses. It is no longer a question of if they will eliminate Pomo, but when. Teotihuacan is having some Mesoamerican difficulties invading cities to their north and Ponca is in a similar spot to Pomo, so Tlingit will be the eventual inheritors of the bulk of the remaining Pomo lands. With their favorite punching bag on the verge of losing all of its stuffing, it will be interesting to see who they eye for a walloping next.

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