Civ Battle Royale February 10, 2026
Strawman2000
As civs fight to establish themselves in the pecking order, genius plays and embarrassing fumbles define the futures of nations. But which players are genius and which are embarrassing?
Hello and welcome everyone! Welcome to a new episode of your favourite virtual bloodsport, the Civ Battle Royale!
I am Strawman2000, long-time lurker, occasional shitposter, and your narrator for today. I’m sure you’re as excited as I am, so without further ado, let’s dive in!
_Archimedes_ shows us a comic about a strange pattern this season. We have a weirdly large amount of contestants creating strangely large lines- though one is much better at it than most.
Take a good look at Sonicfan0511’s expertly crafted map, because it’s about to go out of date. It may be a sisyphean effort, making these maps, but I for one love each and every one of them.
Did you know you can react to slides if you donate on Ko-Fi? It is very cool and impressive. You should totally put a fire emoji here to show how cool and impressive you are.
With an impressive 8-spot leap, the Tang have claimed the top position in the power rankings. Will they be able to keep their rank, or will they be exposed as frauds and tumble down, like so many before them?
We open this episode on Western North America, where the Pomo have established quite a decent core for themselves. They’re not nearly done either, with two more settlers out looking for spots to weave their baskets.
The Ponca, over on the other side of the Rockies, seem much less inclined to peaceful expansion. If they were to point their formidable army at one of their neighbour’s exposed cities, they might be able to snag some land, but for now White Eagle seems more interested in defending his fortress city Wáin-Xude and rearing the absolute horde of bison in his territory.
From their outpost in Hanga Roa, the Rapa Nuians look on in awe as a massive Bunuba army wielding the latest technology starts attacking the city of Launceston. “Sharp metal sticks instead of blunt wooden ones! What kind of person could have thought of that?” one of them remarks. “If I had known this continent was full of bloodthirsty geniuses, I would never have come here,” another adds.
Up on the North-East coast, two settlers belonging to the warring nations engage in a staring contest.
Spearthrower Owl has recruited William Morton hoping he could help build some grand temple or palace, some piece of architecture that could awe foreign dignitaries and his own populace both. Maybe he should have read the man’s resume a little closer, as Morton showed up to the first day on the job with a canister of strange gas, looking for rotting teeth. Let’s hope the first man to use anesthetics for dental surgery doesn’t put Teotihuacan to sleep.
Unless you’re a fan of Karankawa of course.
War! Vlad decides the citizens of Sidon look like they could use a good staking, and declares war on Phoenicia. Only, he seems to have forgotten to notify his army, which is still stationed around his capital. Since they are also still at war with Scythia, I don’t see this going well for either civ involved, both of them now in a two-front war.
Also in this slide: the Circassians still don’t seem to know what to do with all the settlers they trained, and we get a look at the Phoenician’s unique Trireme, the Bireme.
Up in Scandinavia the Bjarmian assault falls prey to the computer’s well-known inability to focus: if only they committed their full army on either Narva or Pärnu, they would surely be able to take it. As it is now, however, it seems like this assault has very little chance of succeeding.
If one thing can be said about Hiram I, it’s that he’s ambitious. In a game like this, where big swings lead to big rewards more often than not, that is often a good thing. But when you are already in a two-front war in the Middle East, that ambition may be closer to a deathwish. Now neither he nor his Sumerian opposition have much of an army ready on the front lines, but keeping on the good side of at least some of your neighbours when your empire is mostly indefensible desert seems prudent. Especially when just last turn you were fighting the same enemy.
Now this is how you do a war declaration! Hiram and Vlad should take notes. Sho Shin declares war on Japan, and instantly a fleet of triremes surround Momoyama. The Japanese fleet is a few turns away, so the city has a good chance of falling to Ryukyu quickly- Sho Shin only has to seal the deal.
There are also a few unguarded Japanese settlers floating around. An enterprising trireme captain may have the chance to grant their lord a great gift…
The Pegu assault on Geiju is progressing steadily. At this rate, in only a turn or two the city will fall. Maybe that will convince Shin Sawbu to start expanding some more? Her closest rival Sheikh Mujibur Rahman is spreading his lovely green-and-orange colour scheme all over the place, while Pegu is left in the dust with a mere two cities. Not like Yunnan is doing much better on that front, but at least they have some settlers heading out to places they can actually place cities.
Tired of leading his horses through the dense jungles, Eso decides to give up on attacking the Xavante and instead focus on domestic matters. His people have recently settled their third city, and he is sure no civilization could come close to rivaling his own. “Yes, surely it is time to sit back and enjoy these gains,”he thinks. “Or maybe I should prepare to send my entire army even further away?”
We get a look at the Seychelles heartland- or heartsea really. Some very large cities, some newer additions, and overall what looks like a thriving empire. It may be hard for them to break into Africa, with the Maravi clinging to the coastline, but if they can build up their core on Madagascar and the Horn they might just be able to surprise.
The Tang are at war with Rouran and Yunnan, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from this slide. Sure, they may be entering a Dark Age, but they have a strong core and a formidable army, with plenty of room for expansion left. It’s still very early in the game, but if they keep up I can see them becoming quite the regional powerhouse.
(Also, don’t mind the notification bar, I promise we get there)
Julius II dons his cheddar armor, puts on his brie helmet, and unsheathes his gouda sword. The Phoenician Biremes have sailed the waters near Ascoli for too long, spreading lactose-intolerant lies against the Faith and altogether being nuisances. It’s a fondue crusade against Hiram, who is running out of neighbours he is not at war with.
Despite Julius’s proud declaration, it’s unlikely anything will come from it- much like most of the real-life crusades.
General Robert E. Lee taps his forehead. “Last time I got beaten by those guys from the North, so if I work for the Northernmost guys I can find, I’m sure to win!”
The Ket certainly love their ice and snow, and as their pantheon gives them faith and culture from snow they can actually make some use of it. Now if only Olgit could get over his aversion for defrosted land, he might be able to keep up with his neighbours. They won’t stay as far away as they are forever, after all…
As Yurii Hlushko’s strike force on the Itelmen’s only river city falters, Harchin orders his people to spread ever farther out. They’ve got three settlers out in the snowy wastes already. Breaking out of Kamchatka isn’t easy, but the Itelmen are making a good effort. Could they be the true heirs to the Chukchi?
Pakistan and Mysore are at peace without any exchange of territory. Pakistan is running out of room quickly, with all their neighbours encroaching on their territory. They do have the first composite bowmen we have seen, so if they can press this advantage quickly they may still be in the game. The window of opportunity will close soon though, but at this point there is still everything to play for in this region.
Over on the notification bar, Joao has found Prester John to his great joy, and Hiram managed to tick off one of the enemies on his hit list. Speaking of which…
Poor, poor Ma’in. At this point I think it is fair to say their game is as good as over. Hiram comes out of this war with not only the two cities he took, but also a free city on top from the peace deal. Looking at the armies, or lack of them, Yathill was never in danger of falling, so he should count himself lucky. Now he has the chance to focus on the bevy of wars he’s still embroiled in, and consolidate his gains. While Phoenicia is performing impressively so far, let’s not forget they are still in the Middle East, surrounded by unfriendly neighbours, and severely lacking in clear expansion routes.
Capac orders his men into linear formation. “If we all stand in a line within sight of the city walls, they will surely surrender out of fear!” Davi Kopenawa is unimpressed by the show of force, and responds with his own mind games: “if we have no military, they will believe we have forces they cannot see!”
The Xavante settlers, meanwhile, wander the jungle looking for the perfect place to found a city. They have only two criteria: it must be overgrown and impossible to invade.
After a somewhat slow start, Luba is recovering somewhat, and have staked their claim on the Congo basin. Them, Maravi, and Herero are looking fairly equal in terms of infoaddict score now. Will one of them overtake the others and become the undisputed master of Southern Africa? Or will they keep each other in balance, crab-bucket style, for an outside power to swoop in and pick them apart later? Ethiopia up North is starting to look scary…
Speaking of which, that’s quite an army you’ve got up there, Zara Yaqob. Is that all for Amina?
Jozef Poniatowski can’t help but feel uncomfortable in the lands of his Vyatkan employers. He has the strange feeling like more of this place should be on fire somehow. Indeed, in a more spherical world, he was commander of the Polish army under Napoleon during his Russian campaign. Jozef keeps his strange feelings to himself, though he does complain about the cold to anyone who will listen.
The western steppes are getting crowded quickly, and a convoy of Estonian and Scythian settlers will only fill up the area more. Vyatka looks like the top dog around here for now, but not by such a margin that they can just coast to regional domination. Ioann Anikiev Myshkin is going to have to put in some more effort to keep his position here.
All those good things I said earlier about Tang don’t matter much if they can’t project that power. You might be top in the infoaddict rankings, with a solid core of cities and room for more, as well as a formidable army, but if you let little three-city Yunnan besiege your cities you’re going to have a hard time earning anyone’s respect. While I respect Long Yun’s initiative here, it still seems doomed to fail. Those units would probably be more useful to break Pegu’s siege of Geiju, or maybe to snag Tang’s more vulnerable outpost of Zhengzhou.
Speaking of Pegu, their settler seems to have heard of the Rapa Nui settler’s voyage, and has gotten inspired. Did something go wrong in earlygame unit orientation, and were all the people who wanted to be scouts pointed at the settler course instead?
In the very corner we can see Ryukyu’s assault on Japan has not yet resulted in a city capture. I had such high hopes for these guys too…
Like Phoenicia, Zazzau is at war with most of its neighbours. Unlike Phoenicia, their neighbours have armies. The peace treaty with Wassoulou only marginally improves Amina’s situation: Ethiopia’s army is even larger than it looked like a few slides back, Luba looks ready to capture their settler or the city it might found, and the Aures are getting all up in their business on their Western border. It’s not looking life-threatening quite yet, but it will take some clever diplomacy for Amina to get out of this situation without losing any more than she already has.
I swear this isn’t the same slide we saw before, Jandamarra’s assault is just stalled out for… very good reasons I’m sure. He’s arrayed his army in Caral Linear Formation, waiting for John Macarthur to maneuver his defensive army into position. Maybe he’s upset about his settler losing the East Australian Staring Contest?
We saw them a couple slides ago, but here we get a close look at the Scythian unique unit: the Gorytos Archer. This chariot archer replacement starts with a free promotion and some more power. It’s a strong unit, and Ateas should make use of them quickly. He is already at war with Vyatka and Wallachia, either of which would make excellent target practice.
As if he heard me just now, Ateas declares war… on Sumeria. So close.
Down in South America, the Potiguara are becoming one of the region’s powerhouses. While the Xavante settlers still have not found their perfect settling places, Felipe Camarao gets the chance to box them in from the East. That’s not to say they are completely safe: if Guaycuru were to turn that enormous army on them, Catu and Jacu could flip before you could say ‘shrimp’.
While the Ryukyu have managed to bring Momoyama down to the yellow, the Japanese fleet has arrived quicker than expected and broken the siege. Sho Shin blames the failed assault on his advisors and generals, and decides he should be the only one calling the shots. Ryukyu is now officially a monarchy.
While Ryukyu had a flying start, they have stalled out since. With Japan and the Tang expanding in their direction, opportunistic plays like this one seem the best way for them to break out- provided they succeed of course.
I was hoping Ryukyu would continue making aggressive plays, but I did not expect them to dump a city right on Lanfang’s home island of Borneo. While this colony seems undefendable and destined to be eaten by Lanfang almost immediately… well, it probably is. But I really do appreciate Sho Shin making these big swings.
Lanfang itself is looking in great shape. With four rapidly growing cities and two more on the way, Luo Fangbo has no real rivals in his vicinity. His triremes are still harassing Ternate too, ostensibly just for shits and giggles.
Zara Yaqob’s coronation as Prince gives us a reason to take a look at the Ethiopian heartlands. The land here is swarmed by builders and little else, though the terrain looks like it will be even more productive once the infrastructure has all been built. The Ethiopian army in their expedition to Zazzau has hit an impassable barrier in lake Tchad. Looks like Amina can breathe a small sigh of relief for now.
Observant viewers might have spotted it already, but Pegu and Yunnan have made peace. Shin Sawbu really dropped the ball here; by all accounts, she should have been able to take Geiju. Yunnan, on the other hand, now has a chance to construct a bit of a core down in Indochina, a region that Pegu would otherwise have been free to claim.
The Pegu settler heading North has left Bangladeshi lands in search of something grander. The North pole perhaps? Vyatka is a long way away still…
Caral tries a radically new strategy in his assault of Mokaritateri: “If we form a curved line around the city, they can see more of our warriors at the same time!” Davi Kopenawa continues to be unbothered.
In the spirit of ingenuity, Caral enhances Pachaism with some additional beliefs. I’m sure we’ll find out soon what they are…
Impressed by the throngs of people in Huaracanga, the believers of Pachaism believe proper worship may only come from cities that are sufficiently large. Such crowds must also come with places to house them, so Caral came up with Madrassas- like the Mosques they had already, but you get smarter and more cultured in them.
Circassia attempts to escape the Scythian Squeezebox to their North by expanding into the Caucasus and the Middle East. Most of their neighbours are at war with each other, so they have a chance here to build up a bit. The good news is that they are no longer stuck on the shores of the Black Sea; the bad news is that they are now stuck in the Caucasus and the Middle East. Yeah, it’s still not looking great for Ismail Berzeg.
Ateas returns from a visit to the Scythian Catholic trans stoner priestesses refreshed and full of inspiration. Will he put some effort into any of the wars he is in? Will he send his horse archers against Circassia or Estonia, whose lands look lightly defended and ripe for the taking? Will he send his settlers to the fertile and unclaimed lands of central Europe? Or will he call a conclave to expand the tenets of his religion?
Oh damn it, it’s the last one isn’t it?
The Phoenician people now call their beloved ruler by a new name. He is always away on the front lines of some war, only occasionally returning to Tyre with the spoils of war from his conquests, and tales told by his soldiers how he fearlessly trades with the nations around him: their treasures for their lives. They call him Hiram I the Brave, and cheer when he parades through the streets of the Phoenician capital.
Yeah, a guy who keeps picking fights with all his neighbours at the same time can certainly be called brave.
Qara-Khitai is still at war with the Kipchaks, though his army is hesitant to approach the enemy. I can’t blame them, that firing squad of archers certainly looks daunting. Yelu Dashi has recently doubled the amount of cities under his control, with the addition of Chachi and Almalïq, though his core is still looking quite sparse. Out here on the steppe there is no room for mediocrity or stagnation; if you do not claim the lands around you, one of your neighbours will- and then your own lands too.
Back in Australia, Jandamarra’s once so dangerous assault has completely evaporated. The outback is back to its previous stalemate. Bunuba is expanding quickly, adding Jijidu to its arsenal of cities, but New South Wales controls the fertile east coast. It’s still all to play for down under. Interestingly, neither power seems interested in claiming Uluru for now.
Lennart Meri’s Estonians have managed to repel the Bjarmian assault, and even settled an additional city in Kohtla-Järve. I quite like these plucky Baltic guys. They are clearly outmatched by most of their neighbours, but they are making just the right plays to keep their heads above the water.
Bjarmia, on the other hand, I expected more of. If they prove unable to break through Estonia, they might just have to resign themselves to existence as a rump state on the icy top of the world.
After a war in which absolutely nothing happened, the Tang and Rouran make peace. Surely, since neither civ was ever in danger of losing anything, it would be silly if this was anything other than a white peace, right?
Right?
The spirit of Lazy Maria must be haunting the cylinder, because I have seldom seen such an undeserved gift. What was Yujilulu Mugülü thinking, giving away a city for free? Such levels of self-sabotage will be hard to recover from.
The Seychelles have been building up an army in Baie Sante Anne in the background throughout this episode (did you spot it?), and now France-Albert Rene is confident enough to send it to the Sumerian city of Ur. The army looks large enough to easily take the city, but I have seen too many fumbled assaults this episode to call a winner here.
Tlingit’s cartographers have plotted and re-plotted their maps, and they are absolutely certain: the Pomo city of Catca’mkau stand in the way of Sheiyksh’s master plan: a perfectly straight line of cities crossing the North American continent from the Bering Strait to the Gulf of Mexico. Naturally, this means war. Tlingit war bands are crossing into Pomo territories within days of the decision.
Essie Parrish, upon hearing the news, responds calmly. “The fools will no doubt apply Caral Linear Formation. Such tactics are easily countered, if you know how to make circles.” She continues weaving her round basket.
Following her victory over the Scottish, the people of Umhaill have gained a new respect for Grace O’Malley. The ship’s captain is granted more and more internal political power until at last she is officially crowned Prince of Umhaill.
The British Isles are shared fairly equally between Scotland and Umhaill for now, but Mary has the better opportunities of expansion on the mainland. Grace must act quickly if she wants to prevent her rival from outpacing her in the future.
Another look at the Potiguara shows the new settlement of Amarelão boxing in the Xavante further. Apoena’s settlers have been roaming the Amazon for a long time now. At this point they should just pick a spot and go with it, before they are too late.
Old Sheehays continues his campaign to claim the entire Eastern seaboard. At this point the Susquehannock are starting to look very scary, uncontested as they are from the Mississippi to Quebec. Although, that Karankawa settler might be able to throw a wrench in the Sheehays’s plans.
To their North, Onondaga is doing a decent job of keeping up with them, though their location squeezed between Susquehannock and the Anishinaabe puts them at a bit of a disadvantage.
Essie Parrish, unbothered and thriving, settles yet another city in E’lem. The North of her lands may be threatened by Tlingit armies, but she simply does not care. Spearthrower Owl, for his part, should care about this new Pomo expansion. He will soon share a border with the Pomo, the only question is what resources will fall on his side of it. If he’s smart, he’ll send those settlers near Sak Ha Witznal North, to claim that defensible terrain before Essie can.
The Karankawa are also in this slide.
Wait, the Xaragua have done something? Two things in fact? This game is full of surprises. Newly crowned Queen Anacaona sees her people settle a new city on Cuba called Mamey. How exciting.
The Anishinaabe enhance their religion of Methodism, and we get a good look at their core. Pontiac has a nice collection of cities here, and plenty of room to expand to his West and North. It’s hard to say for sure this early in the game, but the civs of North America seem very well balanced so far. At this point I could see basically any of them grow to be the continent’s major power, with the exception of Karankawa. Even the Ponca, though they are lagging behind the pack, still have enough time and room to catch up and then some.
Oh, this area is going to look so bad on the maps. Samori Touré rubs salt in Amina’s wounds by settling Kabadougou right next to his recent conquests. Meanwhile, Ethiopia plants a flag in the desert, and Wassoulou creeps closer to the Maghreb, where the Aures also seek to claim land. If there is anything these civs have in common, it’s their tendency to scatter cities all over the Sahara with no regard for proper cartographic aesthetics. With the flat land and long distances from their respective civilizations’ cores, I expect many of these exclaves will soon change hands, but until then I fear we must have to deal with some degree of bordergore.
Wallachia and Scythia make peace. Vlad, normally known for his bloodlust, commented to his aide that he ‘always felt so bad putting horses on stakes’. In the streets of Gelonus Ateas was overheard saying he “just didn’t feel like fighting right now, or something.” The two rulers, clearly seeing eye to eye, therefore agree to pretend their nations were never at war in the first place. I’m starting to get really suspicious of that Scythian Catholic incense.
While the Hansa’s obsession with the coastline is in character, it has left the interior of Europe fully up for grabs. Wallachia seems to be the first to take advantage, founding Turnu and sending another settler out into the Central European wilderness.
Out of embarrassment for Yujilulu Mugulu’s monumental blunder during his peace summit with the Tang, many Rouran citizens seek isolation in the Siberian tundra. The first town they settle on the shores of lake Bajkal, they name after the tears of shame shed by the patriotic Rourans. Further North, two Itelmen settlers continue their trek through the snow, no doubt harassed by swarms of crows shouting well-meant advice.
“Caw! Don’t forget your gloves and scarves, it’s quite chilly out, dear! Caw!”
That sort of thing.
Not only did the Itelmen destroy the Green Ukrainian’s expeditionary force, they even settled Chineshisheliu in their direction, as if to make their defiance abundantly clear. The Green Ukrainians themselves seem unbothered. Why would they care? They’ve got lots of valuable fertile land just waiting for them to settle it, and all the time in the world to do it.
Although, the only thing worse than making bad decisions in this game is making no decisions at all. Not only does stagnation cause defeat, it’s also boring. So far, Green Ukraine has scored high on potential, and not very high on actually doing something.
We take a bit of an intermission to check out some of those enhancements to religion we’ve been seeing. Methodism has become a religion of contradictions. Sure, they love peace and contemplation, with their new Peace Gardens in addition to their Sacred Groves and Pagodas. But to fund all that beauty and mindfulness, the faithful are routinely squeezed dry of all their belongings. The Treasury Mandate and a new Mandatory Tribute will ensure the prospering of the Anishinaabe’s capital, at the cost of their rural population.
The Bunuba, desperate to gain an edge over their rivals New South Wales, turn to foreign aid. They find a man from the unsettled jungles of South East Asia, a man with a lifetime of experience fighting empires much more powerful than his own. But when Vo Nguyen Giap surveys the outback, Jandamarra realises he might have forgotten to mention an important detail in his briefing. The general turns to the immortal leader, and asks: “where did the trees go?”
It is turn 69, and Uluru still hasn’t been settled.
ALARM! ALARM! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!
Rapa Nui send out another settler into the wide world. It is truly anyone’s guess where this one will end up. My money is on Northern Honshu. Wouldn’t it be great if they’d be the ones preventing Japan from being the first Japanese civ to fill up their home islands?
The Guaycuru are only doing slightly better, still sitting on three cities. For a civ that was marketed to be the terror of the Pampas, they are swinging far below their weight so far. In their absence, the Chono pick up the slack, expertly boxing in Eso to their North-East. It’s all fine by me; I prefer sea lions over horses anyway.
While we are here talking about the Chono, let’s take a good look at their unique unit, the Walt. They replace the composite bowman, but start with the survivalism promotion, and have the very cool ability to drain movement and experience from adjacent enemy units. I like the unit icon too, it's very stylish.
The citizens of Pegu have noticed that their immortal ruler has been down in the dumps ever since she proved unable to capture Geiju from Yunnan. Deep in the night, in dive bars and alleyways, they forge a plan to cheer her up. “What if we got her a present?” one offers. “Yeah, like a crown or something! Rulers love fancy hats, after all,” another adds. This plan is met with general approval throughout the land, and a mere week later, Shin Sawbu is surprised by a large crowd standing at her balcony offering her a crown in the shame of her beloved peacock stack. Moved, she accepts, and so Shin Sawbu is officially crowned Queen of Pegu. Now let’s hope this motivates her to start playing the game a little better. The Pegu settler heading North has since disappeared out of sight.
Jacob Morenga dares to upend the fragile balance in Southern Africa and declares war on Luba. Rather than focusing on the lightly defended and exposed city of Kabongo, he opts for a much more ambitious strategy: a Caral Linear Formation so expansive it spans the width of his entire empire. Anyone taking bets on whether this strategy will prove effective?
They’ve been around for a little while, but here is a close look at the Guaycuru unique unit: the Haliaganék. This Horseman replacement restores the movement of nearby friendly units when it defeats an enemy unit (or clears a barb camp, but it’s rude to call other people’s cities that). This one in particular is guarding a settler- perhaps Eso is finally waking up?
The Tlingit, undisputed masters of the Line, are seeing some success with their rendition of the Caral Linear Formation. Perhaps it’s due to the power of their linearly arranged cities adding to that of their formation, or perhaps it’s the duo of triremes, but Behe’pal is falling into the yellow. It looks like the Pomo’s reinforcements are arriving just in time to break the siege.
Despite the war, life goes on in both nations. The Pomo add yet another new city with Maka’hmo, while the Tlingit enhance their religion.
And we instantly get a look at Sgáanaang’s new tenets. The Tlingit add Torii gates to their repertoire, and begin worship of preachers through an amazing and futuristic technology called the “TV”. No one on the cylinder quite understands it yet, but Sheiyksh is sure this will give his people’s religion an edge over all the others. It’s hard arguing with an immortal leader, even when they aren’t making sense, so the followers of Sgáanaang just roll with it.
Queen Margarethe is settling Scandinavia jigsaw puzzle-style: begin with the edges, then fill in the middle. It’s a prudent strategy, especially with the Bjarmians getting themselves stuck in Estonia. Aarhus and Malmo block the Norse coast from intrusion from the West, with a third settler on its way, while another settler heads out to plug the gap between Copenhagen and Vassa. I really have no notes on Margarethe’s strategy so far. If she keeps this up, the inevitable clash between the Union and the League might just become a clash of titans.
The crowded western steppe gets even more crowded as Vyatka plops yet another city down. Nikulitsyn completes the Eastern part of the Scythian Squeezebox, though Ateas did manage to slip a settler out North before the borders there closed around him. Further to the East, the Kipchaks get in on the fun, attempting to construct their own squeezebox, targeting Vyatka this time. It’s just not quite as good as the original. Vyatka have two more settlers out and more than enough room to use them.
When a bearded man smoking a cigar entered Lagash, the Sumerian people knew at once who he was: this was the hero of legend Gilgamesh, come to defend their empire from the Seychelles invasion. Che Guevara wisely doesn’t contradict them; he sees these people need every bit of hope they can get, pressured as they are from all sides. Frustratingly, the minimap covers Ur completely, but the state of the Seychelles units in frame do not speak of a successful assault.
Hiram I of Phoenicia continues to live up to his epithet and settles Sarepta audaciously far away from his core. In fact, the newest Bactrian colony of Eucratideia becomes one of their closest neighbours. Who ever thought Phoenicia would break out so far from their starting position?
Whoever is in charge of the Tang diplomatic corps deserves a statue. For the second time this episode, Taizong receives a city through diplomacy he had no chance of taking through warfare. The victim of the mysterious golden-tongued diplomat this time is Long Yun, who is persuaded to give away his largest city. The Tang have all the momentum in East Asia now. This has become their game to lose.
“Hey Bill, if you turn the map just so, the place we picked for our new city looks just like an armpit!” “Crikey, Sammy, you’re right! Besides, ol’ Jimmy has already started digging for precious metals out in the desert… I know just what to call this place!”
I would not want to live in Pitt Town.
Imagine a big temple. Now make it bigger. No, even bigger. Yeah, that’s about right. That’s about how big Tadodaho’s new temple is, built right between lakes Erie and Ontario. It’s a bit of a wonderwhore-more wonder, granting 15% more production towards constructing more wonders.
The poor Bjarmians have so little going for them, but at least they have a religion. In the spirit of looking at the bright side of things, they now get two additional beliefs on it. Good for them.
On first glance I thought that settler East of Kohtla-Järve was the Pegu settler that had disappeared off the radar, but on second inspection I’m pretty sure it’s the Scythian settler that escaped the Squeezebox instead.
Now that the minimap no longer hides the Siege of Ur, we can see that the Sumerian army has put a wedge through the assaulting Seychelles forces. The city itself does not have a scratch on it. The attack was so meaningless to Eannatum that he settled Eridu right under France-Albert’s nose. My earlier hesitation to predict Seychelles success was clearly warranted.
The Sumerian people are so overjoyed at their leader's successes on the battlefield, aided by the legendary Gilgamesh, that they completely accept him gathering more and more power to himself. When one day Eannatum appears in Lagash demanding to be called ‘His majesty’, it is quickly taken in stride. Che Guevara, for his part, is not a fan of this new development.
The Japanese too are now ruled by a king. His Royal Highness Toyotomi Hideyoshi can cross another item off his bucket list: his people have staked their claim on the Korean peninsula. He’d be wise to expand his holdings there quickly, as the Tang on the other side of the Yellow Sea slowly approach Korea from the North, with their new settlement of Kaifeng.
Northern Honshu is still empty, but what else can we expect from Japan in the Civ Battle Royale?
The Hyksos are joining the settling game too late. All the good spots in their vicinity have been snagged by the Aures and Ethiopia, and all that is left is bare desert. While deity AI is perfectly capable of turning the most barren land into workable cities, the Set cultists find themselves at a major disadvantage. Caught between stronger and more active powers, all they can do at this point is play a quiet and opportunistic game and hope their neighbours forget about them.
The Bjarmians love their luxuries. While before the faithful of Forn Siðr merely danced the night away during church-sponsored ragers, now they have introduced long tables packed to the brim with all kinds of delicacies to the parties. Whoever finds themself passing out, full of food and drink, wakes up with an enormous headache, wearing monk’s robes. Someone has to clean up the mess, after all.
A bunch of notifications, but they will have to wait. The original Caral Linear Formation, the seminal example of the strategy, has officially failed. Mokaritateri stands strong, and Caral’s army has all but vanished. Surely this momentous event will be evaluated by students of war all over the cylinder. Capac, for his part, is just happy he managed to settle another coastal city to use his unique ability. He’s doing better than the Xavante in that regard; their settlers still roam the Amazon.
Portugal and France make peace, and we get a look at both of their empires. Robespierre had the right idea by attacking one of his neighbors, he just chose the wrong one. That army of his had a hard time squeezing through the Pyrenees, but if he were to point it at the Scottish city of Inverness, he might just snag the city. That would mean he would finally have a coastal city, something he has so far avoided. Is Robespierre afraid of Grace O’Malley?
João still has the interior of Iberia to himself, but after that, where will he go? To his South lies a very dangerous Aures, and the Cheese Battle Pope to his East looks to be a formidable obstacle too. Across the Atlantic, maybe?
Right on the edge of the frame, the newly settled Wallachian city of Bucharest perfectly blocks off the Pope’s exit out of Northern Italy. Julius must be furious.
Japan and Ryukyu bury the hatchet as well. For just one turn, it looked like Ryukyu might really hurt their Northern neighbor, but this war ended in a white peace and both belligerents fully exhausting their navies. I can see exactly one trireme left in this entire shot.
And rounding out this round of notifications, Yurii Hlushko’s Green Ukraine build the Terracotta Army. I wonder if he has a target in mind for his newly acquired forces…
My God, I was so wrong. I completely misinterpreted the Tlingit master plan. It’s not about the Line. It was never about the Line. Sheiyksh’s master plan is so much more daring, so much more ambitious. It was always about the Coast. The Tlingit will not rest until every place where the ocean meets land falls under their banner. Only in that perspective does their new settlement of Séetká make sense. Was the Caral Linear Formation in Pomo lands a genius distraction? Does Essie Parrish know? Who will warn her she is playing checkers with a man who has been playing Civilization 5 all along?
Jacob Morenga, too, breaks with the Linear paradigm. Instead, he has broken his forces in two groups and attempts to encircle both Katende and Kabongo simultaneously. While the assault on the Luba capital seems destined to fail, Kabongo might actually be in some danger. That is, if Morenga manages to get a melee unit to the city before the ranged squadron pelting the city has taken too many losses.
Further to the North, a daring Zazzau settler walks unprotected in the midst of a Luban army, while near the East coast a Maravi settler looks to prevent the Seychelles from setting foot on the African mainland.
A Portuguese settler sets foot on the Maghrebi coast, aiming to plant a flag on this new continent and claim it in João’s name. Little does he know, just beyond the hills to his South, a new settlement flying Dihya’s flag has recently risen. Too bad João, you snooze, you lose.
Bloodthirsty tyrants like to stick together, and so Vlad III Tepes and Oliver Cromwell have found unlikely friends in each other. Cromwell left his home isle when it became clear the Irish were there to stay. His travels have taken him to Wallachia, whose ruler saw a kindred spirit in him. Now the two spend their time alternating between putting enemy soldiers to the stake and appropriating the land of local farmers. Truly heartwarming.
Circassia settles another city, bringing their total up to 6. Not bad, honestly!
The Ma’in comeback is real! They have just doubled their city count, if they keep that pace up they’ll be up to 100 cities by episode 9! They already have another settler waiting in the wings. We clearly have a future winner here.
The Seychelles assault in Ur has completely evaporated at this point. Neither Eannatum nor France-Rene Albert have enough troops near the battlefield to truly threaten each other, so this war promises to devolve into a production-wasting meatgrinder if peace isn’t reached soon.
The Karankawa have some fight in them after all. While Spearthrower Owl has been spending inordinate amounts of effort maneuvering his troops through the hostile terrain North of his empire, Joseph Maria has dispatched a fleet of triremes to raid Hix Witz. A shame the city has only a single coastal tile the triremes can attack the city from, otherwise we might have seen an upset here. As it is, a single Teotihuacan boat is enough to defend the city.
On the home front, the Karankawa have finally realised they need cities for their people to live in and have finally settled a third city. They have two more settlers out, though not a lot of room to place them. Spearthrower Owl, for his part, is content to focus on matters of faith, and enhances his people’s religion.
Anishinaabe squeezes in a city on the Great Plains, right under the noses of White Eagle and Tadodaho. Ponca is being outpaced by all their rivals, though their military is looking formidable. Pontiac’s settlements on the plains look lightly defended; can White Eagle capitalize on it?
In the grim history of the CBR there is Just War. If Spearthrower Owl can’t get his hands on world wonders by building them himself, he will get them the hard way. Just War is probably one of the better tenets to pick in a domination game, as long as he remembers to spread his religion.
Margarethe adds Turku and Bergen to her empire, and closes the interior of Scandinavia off to all but the most enterprising of rivals. Only the Bjarmians could sneak a city in there from the North-East, but they could hardly be called enterprising, now can they?
A few miles outside of Roha, on the shoulders of a great mountain, stands a magnificent temple. Its pillars are tall and straight, its proportions perfect, its facade decorated with beautifully painted reliefs. Inside the temple, where only the devoted are allowed to enter, sits an enormous statue of a powerful, bearded man, made of ivory and gold. The Ethiopians do not know who he is. All they know is that he is named Zeus, and that their warriors are filled with zeal and fervour just for knowing his statue sits there in his temple on the mountain. Isn’t that enough for worship, for faith?
The race for central Europe has begun in earnest. The Wallachians may have been the first to stake their claim with Turnu and Bucharest, but the Hanseatic League has for the first time left their shoreline to settle Kiel in these dark woods. Even the Pope has somehow found a way to get a settler past the Wallachian blockade. It is now wandering the land, looking for sheep or cattle to provide the milk for some exquisite cheeses. Further to the East, a Scythian settler prepares to settle an outpost right on Vlad’s doorstep.
The Scythians and Estonians both had settlers right in the neighbourhood, but it’s Vyatka who wins the race to settle Shabalinskoe. Tough luck for Ateas and Lennart Meri; their settlers have to spend more time looking for room in the tundra which is really starting to fill up quickly. Even the Bjarmians have gotten a city up here. Imagine that! The Bjarmians!
Casimir Pulaski might be an expert in fighting from an underdog position- he fought for both Polish and American independence after all- but leading the Karankawa to victory might be too ambitious even for him.
Also, Teotihuacan and Ponca are at war now, I suppose. Don’t see that going anywhere, but I’ve been wrong before.
That Itelmen settler is very far from home. Perhaps here in the middle of Siberia he can finally rest, leave the incessant cawing of the crows behind. The neighbourhood here knows a thing or three about relaxation, at least: the Ket are having a very quiet game, slowly but steadily expanding through the tundra, while the Rouran don’t seem to care a whit even about their own cities. Maybe this is the exact kind of area that could use a far-flung colony to shake things up?
Vlad and Hiram kiss and make up, leaving behind Wallachia’s second least impactful war with a neighbour this episode. At least a farm got burned in this one. For Phoenicia, peace might be just what they need. They have had one hell of an early game, and the last thing they need now that they have gotten themselves something of a powerbase is a coalition war. Hiram should use this precious time to consolidate, recalibrate, get himself a bit of a unit carpet, and then carefully choose his next target. He’s a larger-than-average fish in a tiny pool right now, but the little guppies can still hurt him if they join forces.
The Tlingit assault on Behe’pal is rebutted, but Sheiyksh’s choice of target speaks to his coast-hogging ambitions. He has recently gotten his hands on composite bowmen; perhaps round two of this attack will go his way. Essie Parrish better watch out.
Herero and Luba make peace, unsurprisingly with no exchange of land. Jacob Morenga would be better served filling in the empty spaces in the South of Africa instead of repeatedly sending his nation’s young men to die in the jungles of the Congo. Knowing the AI though, we’ll see a third war with the exact same outcome soon enough.
And in our last slide of this episode, we get a look at the Kipchaks as they make peace with the Ket and with Qara-Khitai. Yelu Dashi gained nothing at all with his double-backstab maneuver, and probably lost a good chunk of his military along with the respect of his fellow leaders. Not a good look for him. This chunk of the steppe is swarming with settlers and Bactrian elephants, but we’ll have to wait until next week to get into that!
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